Is it possible that About two in five of all victims of domestic violence are men,contradicting the widespread impression that it is almost always women who are left battered and bruised?
Is it possible that the number of men attacked by wives or girlfriends is much higher than thought.?
"Domestic violence is often seen as a female victim/male perpetrator problem, but is it possible that we have men out there who suffer same fate as the women who have cried out in the Domestic violence diaries we have read on this blog?
Male victims of domestic violence can and are frequently victims of abuse in the home, either at the hands of their female or, in the case of same-sex relationships, their male partner.
Abuse is a control issue - abusers believe they have the right to manipulate, control and humilate another person, and this belief is not only held by some men but also by some women...true?
Are Many of the effects of abuse for the male victim of domestic violence the same as for women? Are they are likely to feel deeply shamed, frightened, experience a loss of self-worth and confidence, feel isolated, guilty and confused about the situation?.
If a man is attacked by his wife or partner,does he just sit down and take the beating?can a man get emotionally damaged by a womans words?can a woman deal a man the same blows as we have read in the other DV diaries?
Men can be victims too?Tell us your story!
My dad is a victim of domestic violence, my mum died when I was 9 and when I was 11, he re-married this woman.
ReplyDeleteThis woman has done so many horrible things to him, he controls his life and everything he does, when they have a small arguement, she's say a lot of abusive words to my dad, and she'd start to hit my dad with anything she finds.
One time, she hit my dad with an iron, and my dad went into coma for 10days,
Daddy has tried to divorce her a lot of times (8times) and yet she'd come back begging for forgiveness and all. But this woman is a devil.
I ran out of the house because of her,
I lived on the streets before I found my place in lagos,
She does a lot of horrible things to this man, but the man is too quiet and he never raises his hands on her.
She also smokes indian hemp and drinks too much alcohol. Its so sad that I can't do anything to help him.
A lot of men are being abused by their wives...
Yes stella God bless u 4 dz post. Am A man and also A victim of physical,emotional n sexual abuse.i married my wife as A virgin n since den she has bin complaining dat i cant satisfy her sexually so she resorted 2 kipin male friends outside our matrimonial home,she has also abused me physically which i'v vowed dat i will neva lay my hands on my wife evn if i catch her sleeping wit anoda man on our matrimonial bed but d worst of it all is dat she refused 2 teach me how 2 be A lion in bed since she claims she has got enuf experience b4 we got married,all dz is bcos i love her but she kips calling me A weakling*crying!!!*
ReplyDeleteI am speechless right now!!!
DeleteLol Seriously brother are you crying? (⌣̊ , ⌣̊)
DeleteOmg......
DeleteAnon 6:45, pls get a life..does that man sound like his having a laugh or what part of his story is 'lol' worthy. Seriously a man took out time to put pen to paper on an issue like this..u shld know its serious!. This is why men usually die in such silence and feel like there is some sort of gender inequality when it comes to the issue of dv which isnot supposed to be the case. Some men are just on the reserved side and unreasonable women try to take advantange of that...please give him space to breathe,hemust av felt a lil weight dropped off his shoulders sharing this..
DeleteIf udont av anythn positive tosay, shut the hell up!
I pity men wey marry ladies smokn indian hemp.cos der own wahala na worst.
ReplyDeleteHahahaha...this is a serious topic! Over to the men folk! Tell your stories...
ReplyDeleteLucinda
i know of a man (Nigerian Igbo man) who lives in the U.S. With his wife. He lost his job and the wife became the breadwinner. He tried to find a new job but couldn't get any that could suffice. The wife would then abuse him verbally, call him incompetent. This act made him cry and complain to everyone. (He was on the quiet side). It wasn't as if she did it privately, it was so open that relatives felt the plight of the man and asked him to divorce the woman but he wouldn't. One day, while she was attacking him verbally, he pulled out a gun on her and killed her. He is in jail today.
ReplyDelete@anon2 u dont have to cry,bak to the main topic,i believe its possible especially in the western world where the women can get away with it due to their law and all,but for naija hmm dat wan me no no ooo
ReplyDeleteIt happens to men also, som women ar wolves in sheep clothing, dey pretend a lot b4 they got married n show their true colours afta marriage, just dat it is usually verbal, sexual n emotionally n rarely physical abuse
ReplyDeleteIt happened to my uncle n his life never ever remained d same again.
ReplyDeleteYes stella men are victims also! I have a neighbour who is presently goin tru hell in d hands of his wife. This man dares not speak outside if not he wil receive d effect wen he returns home. He is the wife's "house boy" if am permitted to use dat. She sleeps around wit men to the extent of even bringing home her boyfriend into their home to live wit them. What she told her husband and people who cared to listen was dat the bf is her pastor and he's havn accomodatn problem. Bt people who knw em well confirmed dat he is her lover. All this shits happens under the "weak" husband, She left to abuja last week leaving her 5kids behind wit d reason dt she wants to start a business in abuja. My country people abegi which business a married woman wit nothing dey go do for abj??? This woman starves this man food, sex and peace. She had even poured him hot soup for not supporting her outside wen she was quarellin wit a neighbour. He is a walking ghost now from whom he used to be. I just pity him seerz!
ReplyDeleteLyk seriously? Could he be under a spell or smfin..
DeleteDats what people say o! Even d man go dey complain to people say he's tired bt can't talk out. If u c ds man u go feel for am badly! She succeded in chasing away all his friends and family that no one can even come to his rescue.
DeleteMen re victims o!what do you call a man under the influence of mama Dolphin's chicken ala carte?any man jazzed and made to do his wife's bidding while she cheats on him is a victim of domestic violence!Them many!some of us fit misconstrue am as love but most times dem don bury the man picture for cemetary turn am to Zombie!All those wicked women who ve robbed single women of their true future husbands with jazz,receive Fire!!!if u like say what God has joined together let no man put asunder!well,I say,what man had joined together via demonic manipulations must be broken!Nonsense!Signed:wide eyed!
ReplyDeleteThis topic made remember my former neighbours. The man lost his job and his wife totally took over. One day his friend took him out and he got drunk, his wife beat him blue and black that day. She pushed him out naked in the rain. The worst was, he passed out there till morning. Even the children will abuse him at the slightest opportunity.
ReplyDeleteJust like a woman, a man has the right to walk out of an abusive marriage too. Its not rocket science abeg. In this situation, the man snapps and kills the woman not intentionally but out of frustration.
ReplyDeleteCome to think of it, I bully my husband and even attack him verbally saying all sorts of derogatory words...knowing he is powerless. hmmm, God help me I am stopping right away. Stella, thanks for this post. its an eye opener.
ReplyDeleteMy own papa is a living , hes a living vegetable. My.mum has used jazz on his head that she even holds the family chdquebook. And im.the unfortunate kid that is bearing the brunt cos i stand up to her. She has practically made me a begger on the streets. I still thank god for mylife.i managed.to graduate from sch and married. The story of how zhe tried to stop myarriage is for another day. Right now.i dare not send money to my dad. She snatches it from him. Evem when i shop for beverages fpr him, she collects them and would not give him its so bad that even the maggi cubes is stored in hr room and is only uaed to cook when shes around. Im talking about no other person than my mum and im a female. I pray each night that if her behavior is heriditory..may i never inherit such
ReplyDeleteAnon July 15, 2013 at 12:32 PM please get your story straight;
ReplyDelete"i married my wife as A virgin.
she claims she has got enuf experience b4 we got married"
Where's the truth in those statements?
All the women who use gbewudani on their men and eat chicken without breaking the bones nko? Isn't that abuse of some sort?
Then there are the ones that slap the men, smell their undies and check their dicks for God knows what. There are plenty out there just that men don't talk about it like women.
Anon 8.00pm pls read and understand b4 rushing to type ur comment, I wonder wat u pple gain by putting others down, wat he was trying to say was he as a man got married to his wife as a male virgin, the woman was already experienced in bed b4 marriage and is too selfish to teach him bedmatic skills
DeleteHe meant he was a virgin when he married her and not that she was the virgin. Read and understand first before passing comments. You can thank me later.
DeleteConsidering how my husband treats me I pity no man going through domestic violence . I worship my husband , think the world of him , pray for him , protect him advise and make him my number one , I respect him also but what do I get he is a chronic woman chaser , if he goes on a plane to Enugu trust me he must catch , in Abuja he uses his power and might to chase women , his phone is full of women's name , went to the cinema to meet him before I got there he collected a woman's number and was toasting her , he looks quiet but na real devil . He told his girlfriend to look for school for my daughter ---- am alive and well , well read and not a bad idea for any man .
ReplyDeleteI have decided to look at him oooo I want to gather myself financially , make. myself happy and generally ignore the man , am believing God to expunge my emotions , I have told him no one will take my place instead na another person go take ehim place as he prefers other women to me . If you see him going for mass you will think he is next to Pope Francis , na front ehim dey Siddon , his donations to church nko ? But na Babanla runzs man . So call it Jazz or woman power some men deserves what they get , me i won't jazz him nor commit adultery , but one day I know I will find a man that will be romantic and match him money for money , ( abi that's what is still keeping me here ) as I cannot leave and my enemies will laugh . Feeling better .
God that means I ve Bn abusing my husband too. I went to club to disgrace him Last Friday, cos he is always out on Friday night, then I saw used postinor 2 in his car , I went all out on him, I gave him disgrace of life but he didn't lay a finger on me he is a Public figure, he came home all sober saying he can't go out with his friends again cos they said he can't control his wife, he has Bn quiet since and look very sad.
ReplyDeleteAbeg Abeg Abeg,we are talking abt responsible men who did nothing and their wives fustrate them,not your type of husband.. Abi na u drink d postinol u see for him car? Ish..AIDS is real o..
Deletewoman don't back down. You did the right thing. What do they mean by control?? That is your man and you have a right over him like he does you. So if he does anything inconsistent, set him straight. Abeg free thos fools. They will ruin him and ur marriage. Good thing he can't hang out with them. Club ko club ni. You guys shud club together. Is the club meant for married men and single ladies??? Bastards propagating adultery!!! Mofos
DeleteThe Male Victim
ReplyDeleteThe vast majority of recorded incidents of domestic violence are of men on women. Society, although aware of the male victim, treats him as a joke. In reality he is a man in fear, a man in isolation, a man stigmatised as weak. Why? Because he does not conform to the stereotypical male image.
In law, a male victim faces two obstacles; firstly to prove he is a victim, and secondly, to ensure that his children are protected and do not become the new victims. Men very often remain in an abusive relationship for the sake and protection of their children.
Most men react by staying silent. Often this silence is encouraged by factors such as fear of ridicule and, the realisation that it is unlikely his partner will be evicted. Even when a man has proved he is the victim it seems his only course of action is to leave the home. He is then separated from his children and often experiences difficulty in obtaining realistic and regular contact with them. He is in fact treated as the perpetrator rather than the victim.
Male Victims come from all walks of life, social backgrounds and cultures.
Male Victims suffer society's stigma for not protecting themselves.
Male Victims become depressed in their isolation, feel suicidal and sometimes take their own lives without disclosure.
Male Victims are victimised because they fail to conform to the Macho man stereotype.
Male Victims are perceived as wimps.
Male Victims are disbelieved because they are men.
Male Victims are refused the status of victim.
Male Victims are caring, sensitive men, good fathers and providers. They want help for the abuser not further abuse from society and the caring agencies.
Male Victims are removed from or asked to leave their homes because it is the easy option.
Male Victims have no support systems in place. They have no "listening ear".
Modern medicine is aware of certain conditions which may cause people to be violent but we expect such sufferers to seek help or medical treatment. Men are expected to take responsibility for violence and abuse but no excuses are accepted. Yet when a female is violent society provides a list of excuses: Post-natal depression, stress, PMT, eating disorders, personality disorders, menopause, addictions, childhood traumas, provocation, self-defence etc. Although most men will be sensitive to these problems, they should not have to suffer violence as a consequence.
ReplyDeleteWhen a woman is violent and abusive in a relationship, it is not necessarily assumed that she is a bad mother. If a man is violent towards his partner, it is automatically assumed that he is an unfit parent. The law presumes that the children are almost always better off with their mother. Consequently the only options for men seem to be to put up with the abuse or to leave the home, since under the law there is no real protection for them.
If a male victim seeks help, society should offer the same protection and help to him and his children as is given to female victims. Women should be judged by the same standards as men, and women who are violent should be held legally responsible for their actions.
.....Men in abusive relationships employ various methods to attempt to diffuse potentially violent situations:
ReplyDeleteThey may:
go into another room or lock themselves away in a safe place
leave the dwelling, go to family or friends
sleep in their car, shed, garage or wherever they can find shelter
promise to do whatever she asks or demands
accept responsibility for all sorts of untrue accusations
cover up for their violent partner.
These are all survival tactics but will not stop the attacks. However, most men will do anything in the vain hope of stopping the abuse. What they fail to do is record the incidents, injuries or pattern of events. They fail to tell any family members of the situation and make excuses for their injuries even vrhen they attend the hospital or the doctor. They fear the humiliation and stigma of disclosure even when the abuse is life-threatening.....
....If men attempt to report incidents of abuse they are met with blatant discrimination, disbelief, gender bias and comments such as the following:
ReplyDelete"You must have done something terrible to her to deserve this!"
"Look at the size of you! Maybe she was just defending herself!"
"We can't arrest her - what about the children?"
or
"Why don't you just leave?"
"Give her time to calm down. "
Society seems to want these men to go away because there is no simple solution to their plight and there are no support systems in place to deal with them....
For all the men going through DV always remember that WHAT DOESN'T KILL YOU MAKES YOU STRONGER!
Mutewww men r a wicked jor I don't feel sorry 4 dem any of dem!
DeleteAs a victim of spousal abuse (domestic violence) for almost two decades, I have posted some tips above here on this blog for male victims like me and hopefully it would help encourage you all to seeking help where necessary. What I went through in the hands of my ex-spouse can be better imagined but to God be the glory, He delivered me from her spell and bondage. It is well!
ReplyDeleteI know a top ranking army officer whose wife is always woooo zing and beating him up in public , she would hang round the office as soon as she sees a lady near him , she will jack him up all with his red neck give him one or two hot slaps . It's his boys that will start begging madam oooooo , this has been on going since he was captain , infact when soldiers go for route match they poke fun at their oga no mentioning his name oooo else na guard room . Guess he is still there cause of his children . Zara
ReplyDeleteBABE, HAS THIS MAN EVER PROPOSED MARRIAGE TO YOU? HE SAYS HE NEEDS KIDS AND IS HE SEEING YOU AS A VEHICLE THROUGH WHICH HE CAN GET KIDS? IF YOU GET PREGNANT, THIS MAN WILL BE HAPPY. IF THIS MAN ENDS UP NOT MARRYING YOU; HE HAS NOT " COMMITTED ANY CRIME AGAINST YOU" BECAUSE HE NEVER PROMISED. EVEN IF YOU ARE BOTH MARRIED, IS THIS HOW YOU RUN THE UNION; HIDING SECRETS AND VISITORS? WELL SUFFICE IT TO SAY THAT YOU STARTED WRONGLY; WITH THE WRONG IMPRESSION; SEX FIrST.
ReplyDeleteHello Stella,
ReplyDeleteI have been following the stories on your Domestic Violence diary and I would like to ask your readers a question: so do we all conclude that once a woman beater, always a woman beater?
I have heard it being said that once a man hits his partner (wife or girlfriend) it never stops. However, I know my very close friend's husband beat her up once while they were dating and he apologized. They got married about a year after and have been married for almost 4 years and it has NEVER happened again. I also know of a girl whose boyfriend beat her black and blue once cos he caught her cheating but he has never tried it
From all the comments I read on your blog, I am beginning to think that if a man ever hits you, you should walk. I sent the link to a few of my friends and now we all have this image of Nigerian men being serial wife beaters.
I would like to hear from people out there. People are married or have been in relationships with a man or men who abused you in any way (financially, verbally or physically) and then they stopped or changed. What happened to make them change? Do you agree that some men can actually change their abusive ways? Also, I would like to hear from the men who have in the heat of the moment, have in one way or the other abused their significant other. Was it something you did once and never did again?
FYI, I do NOT in any way condone domestic violence of any sort (big, fat no-no). I kick against it any chance I get and believe there is no excuse for it but a part of me really wants to believe that in some cases, some 'abusers' can be granted a second chance. As I said earlier, after reading the DV diaries, I think a lot of women out there might not be willing to do this and as such lose out on God's transformation of their partner or potential partner. I just want to hear from people whose stories ended on a positive note.
Do I sound naive? Abeg, blog readers, don't curse me out oh. I know say una no dey waste time to stab the messenger :-)
It's only the grace of God that can make them stop because there's a demon behind violence.
ReplyDeleteStella, whoever advised you ask this question advised you well because i know that on your own, you are biased when it comes to DV.
ReplyDeleteMEN die much more younger than women. Have you ever wondered why? It could be anything but men have lots of things they dare not talk about.
DV is one of them. Imagine a man going to tell everyone he is being molested by his wfe. Its hard. They would even laugh at him and call him a weakling. Its a painful, horrible and wicked thing that many women do. Killing their husbands slowly. A woman's weapon is her weapon and she can kill you with it
he who finds a wife has found a good thing but i think a lot of people take it lightly. Women full ground but how many are wife materials? Abeg. Bad women, we dey tank una.
i know quite a no of men who hv been victims of DV, one or two got out of the rlship the others are still there. DV is not something the men easily open up to except u re a witness to it. the feel less of a man, been tagged a weakling, woman wrapper n soo many diff names by the society. some women abuse their husbands either bcos the are richer than him, the hv a known family name. the abuse on men is usually verbal, emotional and sexual rarely as physical as that mated on the women. the female abusers can even go as far as breaking and destroying stuffs around the house at the slightest provocation.
ReplyDeletemen indeed are also victims but at a ratio less than women victims.
@anon #1,2 July 15, 2013 at 12:32 PM, i must tell you that i feel for you because of what you are going through and i feel sorry for the men that have shared their experience on this topic.
ReplyDeleteam a woman and i know what it feels like to experience this from a woman that you provide for, may God give you the courage to walk away from an abusive marriage someday, and give you the courage that you need as a man so that you can rightfully be the man he created you to be. stella this is the best post i have ever read on your blog.
#38, I am a woman and you should be ashamed of yourself. I am sure you have a son or one day you will have a son. Would u pray for him to be victim of DV? would you make that wicked statement you just made to him?
ReplyDelete