National Conference - You Are About To Become A Delegate!

A lot has been said about the proposed National Conference. Many criticised the idea from the word-go. Some hailed it as the panacea to the malignant and defiant 'Nigerian syndrome' that seems to snuff the life out of everything productive.

Furthermore, the presidency released a list of the 'lucky' delegates that would 'deliberate' at the conference some days back, and some people took offense that their names were missing from the list.

Anyway, my name wasn't also on the list, but I think I have an idea that can make everybody laugh in the end.

You see, I know that we don't really need a National Conference! Why? Because even an average seven year old Nigerian kid can write a book on the myriad challenges besetting this darling nation. So what are we talking about?

Pay a visit to the Agege Railway line and watch weather-beaten Nigerians argue passionately and proffer thoughtful solutions to the country's many problems. Or you can visit Obalende in the early hours of the morning; you'll find discussants and panellists of different hues playing a game of intellectual table tennis; passing around fiery balls of wisdom that could perhaps save this nation from implosion.

It seems I'm getting a bit rusty, so can someone remind me, what exactly is the duty of Nigerian lawmakers? Are they not there to talk and make laws on our behalf? Don't they all have constituency offices where they're supposed to meet with and listen to the views of members of their respective constituencies?

Wouldn't the National Confab be duplicating their duties? Maybe we should just scrap the National Assembly then and have a National Conference Office in its place? (Up National...lol).

However, that suggestion wouldn't go well with the distinguished senators and their families, so I have a better plan and we'll get to it soon.

Back to the matter, wasn't there a National Confab in 2005? Can someone remind me again what was achieved? Oh, right, nothing!

It was simply an opportunity for some 'lucky' few to have a taste of the National Cake.

I have no problem with that; it's called National Cake for a reason: so that all of us can eat and clean our sinful mouths afterwards...hehehe.

Anyway, there is no problem, but there is a better way to approach this dilemma. So that the cake can indeed go round, we have to do it methodically.

According to my own approach, the National Confab could be converted into something like the National Youth Service Corps (NYSC), and it will run yearly or quarterly (you can bring your suggestions).

It would run for a month, and for that period, participants would be lodged in the best hotels and pampered silly like royalty. They'll do nothing all through but sleep, wake-up, watch TV, swim, have parties...basically, have the time of their lives.

At the end of the 'course,' delegates would be discharged with a 'paltry' sum of N5m. 

They can go and start businesses, or even move out of the country, who cares! After all, they have gotten their share of the National Cake. This process would then be repeated till the whole of Nigerians have gotten their share.

Some people might argue that it is a 'childish' plan simply because the delegates wouldn't be doing anything. But why should we stress them, after all, all the committees, probe panels that have ever been set up in this great country have never really achieved anything. Or maybe we should say, their reports have never been implemented (either way, all na the same thing).

The only difference this time is that we would be upfront about what we mean to achieve. Not that we would deceive ourselves that we're trying to TALK the nation forward, when in reality, it's just a pointless exercise.

What Nigeria needs is political will and a readiness on the part of all citizens to change positively.

People go to churches and mosques every other day, yet are still immoral and fraudulent. Don't they hear sermons that advise them that all these are bad? But they still do it anyway! Because they know that the benefits they gain from those activities outweigh the attendant negative consequences.

That's the same reason why the National Conference would not work: after talking, what next?

We don't need a National Conference to tell us that there are bad roads all over the nation or that the education sector is practically comatose, and healthcare is basically gasping for life.

Do we need a Sovereign National Conference (SNC) to tell us that corruption is a problem; or that tribalism and ethnicity are clogs in the wheels of progress?

Let's be sincere, we know what these things are. What we need is a strong and capable leader who is ready to lead a competent team of technocrats, scholars, politicians in fixing the battered soul of this nation.

I have read lots of articles from people calling for the convocation of the SNC; inasmuch as some of them have sound arguments, it can NEVER work if the outcomes are not implemented.

Good conditions of living bring out the best in people, while poor living conditions bring out the worst in them.

The average resident of Banana Island, Lagos, goes around with a smile and is courteous to his neighbours. A dweller in Ajegunle or Mushin (sincerely, no offence to residents of these areas), on the other hand, probably woke up in an aggressive mood and is further frustrated by the non-availability of resources in his environment. He will inevitably pick quarrels with his neighbours and even family. Do you get my analogy?

What Nigeria really needs is to get it right. Let the roads, electricity, universities, job opportunities, hospitals...be fixed, and let's see if anybody will still ask for National Conference.

I have said my own; I will be waiting in my office for the president to call me as regards the National Cake Conference Scheme (NCCS). I'm willing to co-ordinate activities for just $100bn. Of course, the country can afford it; it's filthy rich!

 Thank you.

 TOFARATI IGE