Saturday In House Gist - Part 1

Gists don land oooo...LMAO!

GIST ONE

THE PROPHECY

Hello Stella and bvs,I greet una.I don't know what to call this my story.

On the 30th of June, one of my friends,called me and said that in her church that their prophet,that God is using him to help people.I told her that I don't want prophecy wahala.But my friend refused to give up,she said that I should come and know what the remaining six months of 2015 has for me.After much talk,I decided to go with her to her church to see her prophet on Friday 3rd July.

When we got there, she asked me to collect card #150 and they gave me the card.The prophet didn't come until 5 hours later.When it was my turn I went inside his office to see him.He started talking and everything he was saying was out of place.I told him that ''all these things you are saying, I don't have any problem like that''...I told him my problem.He said this one is a covenant problem, that I need covenant oil and covenant stone to solve this problem, that there are two types of covenant oil and stones,the Malaysia oil and Malaysia stone,India oil and India stone.

 He said that the India stone and oil is stronger than the Malaysia oil and stone,that I should go for India stone and oil,.I asked him how much for the India stone and oil, he said that he will call the seller to know the price.He started calling,for more than twenty times,the seller didn't take his call,the prophet started praying and was speaking in tongues, binding and losing, he now called the covenant stones and oil seller,he now picked .The prophet put his phone in loud speaker, I was hearing everything and he asked the seller, how much for India stone and oil he said that oil is #30000 and the covenant stone is #44000,while the Malaysia stone is #30000 and the oil is #2200,the prophet now told him that he will call him back.The prophet told me that I should go for the India stone and oil,that is very effective.#74000 me I no get that kind money,I told him that I don't have #74000 there,the prophet now said let him ask the seller if he still have plenty India stone and oil, the seller said is only one india stone and oil that is remaining, that if he sells that one,that before he will travel to India again to buy covenant oil and stone,will be in six months time.The prophet started begging the seller on my behalf, that he should reserve it for me.
The prophet now asked me if I have any money ,I said yes ,but is only #28000,he said I should drop it and go and bring the balance.I asked him the size of the covenant oil and stone,that makes it so expensive, he said the oil is size of syringe and the stone is the size of his palm,but there are very effective. 

The chair when I sit down,my heart dey beat fast,for my mind I say who send me come here,na i compose myself,I now told him that I don't want to pay twice,that i have my ATM card with me,and UBA is very close to the church,that I went to use the ATM, he said OK.

As I was about to go out of his office, he said  seed offering,one glass box is on top is table,I drop #1000 there.As I was going he said hurry up,you know it's the last India covenant oil and stone till the next six months,I said yes sir.

As I come out from the Church, if una see my legs race as if somebody dey pursue me,na so I jump enter bike go house. When I reach house na so I just dey imagine na so I for lose my money say I wan know  the remaining six months of the year, I for buy covenant wood and kerosene, no be only oil and stone.

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GIST 2

NEPA DON TAKE LIGHT

Aunty Stells of life I hail you and my fellow BVs.

As in house gist dey hot I decided to share one fun memory from my adolescent years.Its kinda long though...

When I was in secondary school I had these two friends Dave and Chuks.we were all at the peak of adolescence and you know that's the time when all those crazy and adventurous feelings spring up.Just mere passing of a fine girl and you will feel things moving and changing shape.

We had this bros in our  compound who was our hero being that the bros can knack for Africa,he comes home everyday with different girls.He was literally living our dream life so we dey respect bros scatter.Anytime he comes back with his girls we'll go behind his window and peep from an opening to view the actions and bros no dey ever fall hand.

Since the hole from which we peep was very small,we had to come out with a time table amongst the three of us one person will peep and will be giving commentary for the others to knows what's happening,the next day the second person will peep and the cycle continues.The first day was my turn and I did it well,the second day was Dave's and he also did a good job.When it came to Chuk's turn na there kasala burst.

Now here's a little introduction of my friend Chuks; Chuks is that one friend everybody has who can't speak in a low tone.Even when you are gisting others might think he's warning or scolding you cos the pitch of his tone is always high.There was an instance someone asked chuks weda I have difficulty in hearing cos he always shouts when talking to me,chaii that thing pain me for days.

So when it came to Chuk's turn to peep bros and give commentary we advised

chuks to keep it low cos he is suffering from 'hyper-shoutingnemia'.So

chuk's position for window and the commentary started,it seemed that day

bros was on top form cos Chuk's was giving commentary in a loud tone and

we didn't seem to care that bros might hear us.

Chuk's went thus -  omo them don naked o,them dey kiss,bros don push the babe for bed.Oh men bros don stop o,e dey come close to window,e don bend down pick something...my eye oo,Nepa don take light.

I was like Nepa never take light na,light still dey but my friend chuks don blind for one eye.

What happened was as chuk's was shouting bros overheard from

inside,approached the window,bend down to pick a little stick and poke

chuk's eye so as the vision from that eye went dark Chuk's thought

Nepa has taken light.Luckily for Chuks it didn't really get to his eye

but his eyelid was swollen..

From that day anytime Chuks see bros na just to dey bone pass,even to greet am sef na problem.That was how chuks got the pseudonym 'nepa don take light'..

Went to his family house lately and everyone is still wondering why up till today I still call chuks 'nepa don take light'..them go wonder tire cos I no fit

blow my guy cover..Growing up was really fun.Hope I win sha so I fit

recharge my guy' Chuks Nepa don take light's ' phone..

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GIST THREE

ERRRM....ALL GIST NA GIST

Hi Stella,

You are doing a very good job. Keep it up. The lord is your strength.

My boss dad passed away, so I and my colleagues went for the funeral. As we WERE  coming back the following day, we decided to eat in a restaurant. As we were eating, a guy and a lady walked in and sat in a chair close to us and ordered their food. While they were eating, I noticed that the lady was struggling with her fork and knife, the guy asked her, Are you Shy? The lady answered, why shall i shy?

After eating we left, we were five of us in the car, three guys and two ladies including our boss.

We arrived Nasarawa State at 9pm, three guys in police uniforms stopped us and ordered us to come out, we obeyed thinking they were police men. We never knew they were armed robbers, they asked us to lie down, we obeyed, they collected our money, phones, ipad and lap tops, the other lady had only three hundred naira and the Nokia phone she bought three thousand naira, they refused to collect the Nokia phone, they said she hid her money and expensive phone in her bra and they asked her to take off her blouse, she did and they were touching her boobs in pretense that they were looking for money. When they finished and couldn’t find anything. They asked her to carry her bag and follow them. I was scared and I said to myself, they will rape my colleague. 

Immediately their leader said to my colleague, go back. He told his gangs that they were here to rob and not to rape. So he came back to where we were and said to our boss, we collected ipad and BB phone from you, we want more money from you because you are the boss, our boss told them that the guy they collected twenty eight thousand naira from is the boss, that he is the driver and he hasn’t be paid for the month. With that they asked us to go.

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GIST FOUR

SHAVING STICK BROUHAHA

Ok so this gist is not really an amebo gist cos it happened to me.

When people talk about ibadan people this and that. I was usually always defensive cos I had relatives living there till I went to visit some of my family members in a remote place in Ibadan. Na hin I come believe say all those yabs wey people dey take yab Ibadan people,  na so so true talk (at least for dem chronic Ibadan interior people)

Back to my story. After spending like ‎a week there, I desperately needed shaving stick. So I went to a nearby kiosk.

Me: (in yoruba) I want to buy shaving stick 

She: colour wo? (what colour?)

Me:‎ colour ke? I said I want to buy shaaa-ving-stiiii-ck. I spelt it out carefully.

She: (scratches head) ‎yes nauuuu. Color wo? Red wa, pink wa, other color naa wa

Me: (tired)  OK ‎, bring it lemme see.

To my surprise, she brought out lipstick. I felt like slapping her cos I was not even feeling too good that day. I just said thank you, Eshe and I left the place. Unknown to me, my suffer head just start that morning.

 Na hin I waka go down down to another shop wey dey also sell all those things. As I reach there com see her pleasant smile so, na hin I relax, say this one go dey okay.

Me: madam, I need shaving stick.

She: (in Ibadan accent) how many packs.

Me : one,just one‎. I need only one, I'll get pack later.

She: (in yoruba): Aunty, how will you buy one pere, it's not possible, it's only pack we sell.

Me: why is it not possible. I only have money for one now abi is it not shaving stick . I was getting a little impatient.

She: Ehn nau...Aunty,nobody sells one PERE jare. Lemme bring it out for you to see 

I was standing there, wondering what she was talking about when she brought out:

TOOTHPICK!!!

Ho‎nestly, I was so pissed off. The funniest thing was that the third shop I went to later had the shaving stick but when I got home, I discovered some hair in between the teeth. 

My brothers and sisters, Omo na to carry my small bush for under armpit jejely till later in the week when I was able to get a pack at the supermarket. HIV is expensive...

SDk's love child.

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GIST FIVE

THE FEAR OF KIDNAPPERS

Good day to you Mrs Korkus

Straight to the gist, na on Thursday I leave for school say make I dey

go Lag o, my T/fair no come complete na so I say make I go enter soole

(cheap bus by the road side). When we reach Ibadan and the conductor

dey shout Eko Eko Eko, na so one old woman enter, as we get to the

last bridge for Ibadan, na so the woman come dey shout say ''egbemi sile

ooo, gbomo gbomo, egbami ooo, Challenge ni monlo nibo lemorile? ''

(please drop me o, kidnappers ooo, na Challenge I dey go where are you heading to?). Immediately, everybody wey dey inside the bus too come dey shout say ''kidnappers drop us o, we no dey go again o. For my mind I don dey

ask God for forgiveness and I dey pray seriously. 

One woman say:

modaran! Talorami nise? (I'm doomed, na who send me to enter soole).

Everybody don dey fear, maybe na because say na sudden the scene be o,

we no know. Na so the bus park, come see as everybody dey pick race, me sef no remember to carry my bag, in fact I no look road before I cross. I don

run pass where dey fit chase me reach.

For where I stand, still panicking,  Na so people gather come dey ask

us say wetin happen, dey don wan start to dey beat the driver and the

conductor sef.

The old woman come talk say: na Challenge in Ibadan I dey go and den

dey carry me go another place, if not for say I too sharp, na for

dungeon we go just find ourselves. Everybody come ask her say, shey

she no hear when den dey shout Eko Eko ni? 

She said her mind no dey there, as she think say na Challenge the conductor dey shout, she say she's been troubled by her son who just ran mad and the stress is too much for her. I really pity the old woman.

People come dey ask the rest of us say, shey we no know Lagos route

again ni as we too dey shout and dey run commot for inside bus? Na so

everybody come turn to dundie,  Nobody even have the time to think

about that because of the fear of Ajaale wey they discover in Ibadan

last year.

Na me people abuse pass, been the youngest among the passengers, say

as I be youth, why I no use brain before I wan go jam for motor? When

den settle am finish and people dey enter back inside the bus, fear

and shame no allow make I follow them enter the bus again o, I jejely

carry my bag and go enter bus for park ni, I come dey beg say make den

collect #500. God bless the mum wey dash me #200 join, who knows maybe

she be BV sef, thanks so much ma.

The fear of Ajaale (dungeon) is the beginning of wisdom now. Non of us

will be a victim of kidnappers IJN.

Till I come next time, abeg help me manage this one like that and have

a lovely weekend.

One gist made me laugh like mad here...part two will follow tomorrow and then we will decide the winner for the 5k.

Last week's gist was disqualified because of too much hyping so make una easy today oh.

The lady who promised to pay for last weeks winner can as well forward it to this week since we didnt have any winner...Madam abi you don change mind as you quiet?