Stella Dimoko Korkus.com: Sunday In House Gists

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Sunday, August 09, 2015

Sunday In House Gists

Saturday in house gists HERE

Sunday in house and Saturday could not be done as one post but only one winner can emerge from both posts.......Please drop winner in the comment section and only comments with blog ID will be counted becos of...........well,you know!

Some of you are missing it,if the gist is not funny,did you learn something or not?Not everyone has the skill to deliver a funny post so please excuse 'em!
I enjoyed all the gists and encourage more people to send in...Pretend to be a writer.LOL






GIST NUMBER ONE 
THIEF OOOO

One evening in my hostel off campus, i was watching a movie and the volume was loud so i didnt know that my hostel was being robbed. Next thing i heard was thief o, thief o. I quickly stood up, turned off my control switch and everything went off, i had not closed my door as at then cos it was just to 8(pm). I just rushed and locked my burglary by then my hands were shaking and i was crying. After closing up everywhere even the louvers, (i was just in panties and singlet so i quickly wore a jean and a sweater). I went to the kitchen, carried a knife and picked my phone and entered the toilet and locked it. 

I was holding the phone with my left hand, the knife with my right hand and then dialed my mum's number and thus went the convo in Igbo- "Mummy ndi ori noo na hostel m o, nwa gi nwanyi anwukwa nu o, nyee daddy phone, kene ru m umu nwanne m o, hey Jesus atoo kwa nu m o. Meaning- Mummy thieves are in my hostel o, am dead o, give my dad the phone, greet my siblings for me o, hey Jesus am in trouble o. My mum was even in church when this happened so she gave their pastor the phone n he prayed for me. Eventually, the vigilante group and the police came and started harrassing my hostel guys that they are the thieves! 

mtchew.

 My friend that stays downstairs was robbed so she told me her own story when she came up to my room after the robbery. Her boyfriend visited her and she was just coming out of the bathroom when they kicked down her door. The conversation between her boyfriend and one of the thieves= 

Thief: So guy you dey with woman dey press breast, wear chain for neck dey form big boy. 

Boyfriend: Bros no be so o i swear i never press anything since i come, abeg abeg na truth i dey talk. 

Thief:(pushes my friend to the bed and her towel shifts) Choi see breast o, oya guy come press am make we dey watch you. 

Boyfriend: God forbid! I no dey press. 

Thief: If i woze you(hits him on the cheek) 

Boyfriend: (kneels down and feigns tears ( she said he feigned it and didnt actually cry so i no know) Bros abeg abeg i take God beg you i no wan press. Bros abeg. The thieves now took his chain, their phones and laptops plus money and even her ATM card on the table and asked for her pin which she gave them. And left, locked them inside and entered another person's room. Anyways we upstairs were lucky cos before they came upstairs to rob, someone already called the vigilante group who now called the police and came with them. The next day i packed my bags and left for home, infact almost everybody left the next day cos we were done with exams... . .  
From #Precious.


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GIST NUMBER TWO
A LESSON LEARNT

My wife will starve me for this gist, when she reads it. Don't know if it qualifies as a gist though, lol.
Back then I had this friend who was hell bent on sleeping his then girlfriend. The daughter of their family friend and sister to his other friend. Who was 4yrs his junior, he had been dating for almost a year. Having not been successful at it he came to me, his friend for help. That the girl is this and that but refuses him sex.

Now, I'm that younger playboy well taught in the trade, by aunties who had molested, educated and initiated me sexually. I was so good at it. So we started out, but each tip and trick kept failing. As bae kept rebuffing and always finding her way out. There was nothing I didn't suggest except for drug and rape and none worked until He started asking for refund of monies paid to me for the tips and trick.

 I on the other hand was intrigued and upset to know the so-called little rat that was that intelligent and wise, to decode our moves. I met the beauty and sized up her IQ. So I opened my book, digged deep and gave one last tip. She succumbed but guy was too drunk to do anything. 

Then I told him that perhaps God didn't want him to have anything to do with the girl. Angered by it all, he broke up with the girl disgracefully.

2months later, I met the babe at a party and one thing led to another and we started dating. Then I realised she was the opposite of what my friend pictured her to be - total contrast of it. Pricked by my conscience, I confessed, then she broke up with me but I was already helplessly in love. See playboy turned mumu for love. I begged and begged, sent emissaries, for where? Babe no send me.

Then it damned on me,I was sick and had a sickness only she could cure.


Today she is my wife with 3 awesome boys, a good woman inside out, upstairs and downstairs. I learnt to "never misplace a wife material for a girlfriend, whilst I take a girlfriend material as wife." I was busy dating bankers as potential wife, not knowing my wife was right in front of me. And I almost lost it.
giftedgyptian@yahoo.com


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GIST NUMBER THREE
S*X FOR RENT


This happened to my neighbour (Mr N) and our randy landlord (the wife owns the building) several years ago. LL was hitting at our wives. But was so much on top Mr N's wife matter. Asking her out for drink and pepper soup. The wife connived with Mr N. That time Mr N had just lost his job and we the tenants rents was about to expire.

So on this fortunate day, our randy Landlord was caught pants down with Mrs N. We served as witnesses and he was made to write official rent receipt duely stamped for us. Mr N got a years rent, while I and the other tenant got 6months rent each.
When the time to pay came,the Landlady came as usual to trouble us with rent. We showed her payment receipts. She didn't find it funny that all the tenants had paid to her husband who is the care-taker Without her knowing. It caused problems between them, when LL could not account for what he spent it on. They separated before our rent could expire again. Till we left that place, they were never back together.



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GIST NUMBER FOUR
THE ROPE


 A couple of years ago when i was like 10 years old, on this fateful
sunday morning my father was searching frantically for his belt to use
together with his suit as he was a pastor and he had to be corporately
dressed as was the church rules.

   That sunday he searched everywhere even inside the pot of soup, all
to no avail. He even asked to try our(myself and my brother) belt, it
barely got to half of his big tummy.
  He headed to the backyard and came back with a piece of rope. I sat
down expecting to see a miracle, maybe as Jesus turned water to wine,
daddy will also turn rope to belt.

  Ladies and gentlemen when i saw my father pass the rope through the
hook of his trouser and tying the knot, my mouth was as open as yours
is now. No one could dissuade him then as unfortunately mum being a
nurse was on morning duty then. My brother was appalled.
 We got to church expecting the worst, and all i was thinking of was
how this man was gonna embarass us today o. Sunday school went well,
praise and worship and all others also, when it was time for the
sermon i was loosening up thinking everthing will be ok.

 He got on the altar and started preaching calmly at first, it got to
a stage that he became animated, throwing his hands up and down to
emphasize his point.
As he was doing that the knot of the rope started manifesting beneath the suit.
  I looked towards my elder brother the look on his face was like he
saw a ghost. We started making eyes, squeezing our faces, all in
attempt for dad to notice us and rearrange; but he didnt, instead he
got more animated jumping up and down.
 I was sure a sizeable or at least few would have seen the Rope.



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GIST NUMBER FOUR FROM SATURDAY IN HOUSE GIST.
IT WAS INCOMPLETE BUT RESENT AS COMPLETE

This gist happen when i still dey school sha ..so for exam me no dey
wan carry last as me dey train myself and my younger sister i no dey
get too much time to read much na so i go dey carry my ok shoes and
bag dey waka everywhere to sell make we see food chop oh . Na so exam
reach oh for hall me dey like remove my shoe and earing or anything
that will make noise for my body put inside my bag cos me no dey stay
one place  na so i go dey jump from chair to chair cos i no get enough
money to pay any lectura so as they share paper finish and for my mind
i dey happy say the invigilator na the guy way they  tost me so for my
mind i say today exam go sweet oh so we begin dey write as invigilator
dey look away me dey change seat cos i sabi all the guys way no book
well well for class na so i go dey write oh if i finish for one person
i go just change for another person na so i dey do so tee  the man
come dey ask wether i be ghost say he go turn see me for another seat
turn again  See me for another place again he come ask me to go back
to my seat i come go back na so i dey my seat the raise my neck up to
complete the one way i don dey write i no no say the guy way dey close
to me dey copy from me too so as the man see us he shout so as am
turning to face my book na so the guy way seat beside me raise his
head up na so both our lips jam my lip stick come full his mouth na so
the invigilator come ask us to stand up say we dey kiss for exam hall
i just stand up the guy beside me dey swear say na lie everybody for
class don dey laugh already  cos the guy never notice say lipstick dey
em mouth na so the invigilator come dey vex for me and i don tell am
say na mistake he no wan hear na so we write exam finish that day oh
as we come out the guy come dey tell me say i must kiss am oh make he
kukuma commit the offence way dey punish am for na so me and play play
dey drag my my mouth oh na i come dash am one little kiss make he take
hole body dey go home


Gist has no comma or full stop,i didnt even know how to edit it.

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GIST NUMBER FIVE

Chinco 419 Wahala

I had this Prof that talks so fast when lecturing that makes it difficult for student to note down notes. So i decided to use shorthand so that I can get everything on paper for the D day. Most of his lectures were centered around malicious attack on the network and so I chose to use 419 for malicious - abi no be same thing in pigin?

I had this Chinco girl in my class that could not communicate properly in English. She approached me one day and requested for a copy of my note, which i willingly gave her.

On my final day of the exam, it occurred to me that the Chinco girl will not understand jack in my note. I started laughing out loudly thinking to myself "how chinco wan take understand wetin 419 mean?" She fit go think say na network code.

I hoped she passed the class sha, since the exam was online and i didnt have her contacts.



Thanks to all the posters.....Lessons learnt.


71 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Some r funny but no much lesson,d ones wt lesson ain't funny, which do I vote for me? Funny one or d one wt lesson??
      I will definitely be rite bck

      Delete
  2. Replies
    1. The one where d girl got served won......from saturday IHN

      Delete
  3. Mtschewwww......
    No 3 on yesterday's post won!!!!
    Incomplete poster.......which kain primary sch u go?
    I didn't learn anything!!!!!!!
    Mtschewwww

    ReplyDelete
  4. Stella,abegi no mind them jari. Some people are so frustrated in life that nothing is funny to them.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I will go with gist number four about the use of rope for belt.
    Great sex don't make great relationship but.....
    Kindly click

    Rules to Keep your Heart Safe from Heart Break Stories.

    Today Christians: Do you Think God is a Drifter?

    ReplyDelete
  6. Lmfao gist number u tried. Gist number 2) hummmm I think ur gist should be sent in as chronicles of hope. Anyway I enjoyed reading through and I also learn a thing from it.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Gist 5 joor... Reluctantly.
    SDK if something nor sweet make we nor complain again? What is there to learn in a Joke? Its meant to be funny not educating .
    BTW Gist 2 I think you gist was very Sweet not funny per se, better than some Chronicles of hope.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Gist number 4) if to say u add Maggi join am at d end d gist for too make sense. I enjoy reading it and I laugh hard too. I hope u win

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah! I enjoyed gust number 4 a lot! I laughed so much I nearly peed on myself!
      The one about exam hall kiss was also hilarious!
      Abeg I enjoyed these gists. Thanks Stella, u made my night!

      Delete
  9. I give it to today gist number 1.....una Try sha.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Gist 2,The price should go to the man who was toasting his wife for another person.

    Rope gist Hahahahahaa, thanks for the laugh.

    @ gister number 4- when I saw ur half posted gist yesterday I thought it was an interesting gist unfortunately it was such a dry gist. U mentioned u suffer to pay ur sch fees, if u are wise, u will read books to avoid wasting more money on sch fees and extra years. To think u are not even bothered that u might fell the course is such a put off.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fell bawo? Miss know it all, U can't even spell fail.

      Delete
  11. Buhahahahaaa.... No 3 got me laughing... Daddy pastor ooooo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. gist no 3, the rope is hilarious!

      Delete
  12. Mhzzbee international9 August 2015 at 14:46

    First and the last gists got me rolling

    ReplyDelete
  13. I'll still give it to #2 & #3 ystday

    ReplyDelete
  14. Between gist one and the rope I don't know which one to choose. Gist 2, So you dated and married your friend's ex?hmm interesting.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Gist 4 is damn hilarious...
    I cried while I laffed.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Still gist 3 from yesterday.

    ReplyDelete
  17. D 2 gist no4 are funny but I give it to today's n04(rope)

    ReplyDelete
  18. Stella, stop hyping.
    No lessons learnt.
    Gist not funny.
    Hian!

    ReplyDelete
  19. Stella is it that you don't knw how to source for news or what? That you always post nonsense. We are talking about IHN now this. Nawao

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. When did being creative become a sin?
      Must we read about Boko Haram all the time?
      Just stop this nonsense

      Delete
  20. Gist 2 & 3 did it for me. 2 especially. I liked that to one studip ex that nearly raped me ontop sex matter. I was saved on that day by his friend. Who walked in just on time, the fight no be here. He was an angel sent by God to rescue me that day. On my own I'd have been raped. But thank God, IK where ever you are, may God never allow the enemy to turn your kind heart for evil.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Lol.

    Buhahahahaha buhahahahaha.


    I have forgotten all I read.

    ReplyDelete
  22. IHG don land ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Amebo na work! Aproko na hobby.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Negodu gists.....
    Yesterday was so so dry. poster 3 are you sure we were never tenants? 2 or 3?
    I'll pick 2, simply because it is something that we people often ignore. We keep looking for our spouses in posh cars & exotic places. But in most cases they may be that person we so often notice on bikes. Or that person that treks past us. Or that innocent introvert person on our BBM or whatsapp.
    Then for most guys, do unto others as you wish yourself. Because what goes around comes around. Do good at all times for the sake of tomorrow - e chi di ime.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Gist no 3 of Saturdays in house gist is d winner..
    Other na learners

    ReplyDelete
  25. Errmm gist no 4 from Saturday ihg does it for me
    Copy copy gal

    ReplyDelete
  26. Todays's IHG dikwa:
    DryyyyYyyyyyyYyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyYyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy



    Anyways a winner must emerge! I vote today's gist number 4- ThE ROpE. Ws just imagining wot wud hv happened iof ur father"s trousers had fallen lyk d walls of jericho. Hehehehehehehehehehe.

    ReplyDelete
  27. The hostel robbery gist was interesting, until after the phone conversation with her family. You for just formulate something, make d gist blend well.

    Anyways, the first two paragraphs made me laugh so hostel robbery gat my vote.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Ezigbo lesson learnt!!
    BTW, gist 2 should be a Chronicle of Hope....

    ReplyDelete
  29. Hahahahahaha, today's gists are a lot better.I enjoyed most if not all of them.1,3and 4 from yesterday all left me in stitches.But I'll go with 3 cuz it comes with a moral

    ReplyDelete
  30. Stella abeg make we give am to gist no 4(Rope gist). The gist had me laughing inside the metro like a mad woman.

    ReplyDelete
  31. I so so pick gist 2. Though 3 is good also for it lesson, to those randy landlords who prey on the problems facing their tenants to expoit and break homes. But 2 is my pick, most people don't understand karma. Just wondering though, if the friend had eaten the bae.Gister 2, would you still have married bar? Lol, anyways thumps up.

    ReplyDelete
  32. Stella please ask gist 2 send in his full gist as chronicle of hope for the weekkend. It really sync. And don't ask why?
    I'd go for gist 2. Alot to learn from the things left unsaid. And it is more real, such that I could relate to it.
    Gist 3 though was funny and sad. Damn all those iss landlords. In this case, he wasn't even the owner, his wife is. Such a preeeeeeeek. Had gist 2 not being there I'd have chosen 3. But 2 is it for me.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Gist number 3 of yesterday got me. From what am seeing that's d winner. It was funny and educating.

    ReplyDelete
  34. Gist number 3 of saturday won!

    ReplyDelete
  35. Hostel robbery.

    ReplyDelete
  36. d rope gist made me laugh..dey tried sha,dah babez own on exam malpractice dosen't seem real sha

    ReplyDelete
  37. I vote gist two of yesterday, the forceful deliverance

    ReplyDelete
  38. Copy copy gist number 4, e no easy to copy

    ReplyDelete
  39. Gist 2 of yesterday joor. The deliverance story

    ReplyDelete
  40. Yesterday's gist 2...

    ReplyDelete
  41. Narrative 2 did it for me 'A lesson Learnt'.

    ReplyDelete
  42. I vote number 4 the rope, still the most hilarious.

    ReplyDelete
  43. 3 of saturday, my pick.

    ReplyDelete
  44. Got served no 3 got me, rope got me too.

    ReplyDelete
  45. Gist 3 of yday and rope got me

    ReplyDelete
  46. Still prefer Saturday's gists 2 n 3... Plenty plenty things wey no suppose to happen for this world... mtcheew

    ReplyDelete

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