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Friday, October 21, 2016

Abroad Husband

It is almost that time of the year again when all our brothers return home from "the abroad". Soon, they will come from all parts of the world- America, Europe, The Philippines, Malaysia, South Africa and even Sudan- to celebrate Christmas. 





It doesn't matter where they come from, they will come with a black American accent. Even the ones that came from Sudan will come with pounds and dollars. Because the default currency for "the abroad" people is dollars. Abroad person that is spraying Cedis, is that one abroad person? 

They will come to the village, and they will be at every ceremony spraying dollars and pounds. They will wear their starched laces and their original gold chains. I don't care the authentic quality of the chain, but as long as it is from 'the abroad', it is original. They will bag chieftancy titles that ends with "Ego". 

They are the real MVPs. The Mr Steal-your-chic-and-convert-them-to-wife. They are always single looking for a wife at home. Yes, they are not bastards, they come back home to marry. 

You have a boyfriend who is just a civil servant. Fresh young man who is just starting life. You think you love him until your mother tells you about Emeka, the "abroad guy" that just landed in town. She reminds you about how you both used to be really close friends before he left to 'the abroad' when you were just 3 months old. Mama tells you he wants to marry you. You take a look at Emeka and you see the glory of the Lord shining around him. You admire his British-American accent and his fresh money. You think about your boyfriend- mtchew, who "young man with Dreams" epp? You suddenly start hearing the voice of the Lord telling you that Emeka the abroad guy is the right one for you. You suddenly realize that at 23 you are no longer getting any younger and you can't wait for a graduate who is just starting life. 

Emeka spoils you while he is in the village. You both keep in touch as he leaves for "the abroad". You don't see him again but you still talk on phone. You are now both engaged and you are happy, you are dating a guy in Indonesia with an American accent. 

Two years pass, you've seen Emeka only once. Because body no be wood, you have a side boo in your town who lubricates the engine when the oga is not around. But you are still engaged. You are getting impatient. You were 23 two years ago but now you are 35, or you feel 35. You nag, whine, write three different please-hide-my-Identity messages to "Dear Amanda". Sacrifice 2 goats as burnt offering to the Fadalurd above. After some months, your prayer is answered. He fixes a wedding date but cannot attend the wedding because of work. So you just do the wedding with his enlarged picture anyway. That picture he was wearing a suit, that one. That's the one you kiss when it's time to "kiss the bride". 

After three months, no Emeka. You realize you are now a western union wife. Another series of Dear Amanda messages, burnt offerings and pastor visits, God finally touches Emeka's heart to come home. He comes home for a few months to get you pregnant and go back. When he goes back, the real Lord - not my "Fadalurd" - decides to remember you this time and release you from your misery. You somehow realize that Emeka has two beautiful children with his abroad wife of 10 years now. Your eyes will now clear. 

You finally wake up, after 300 posts cursing Emeka and other men specifically, you decide to join the Association of Online Feminists of Nigeria. Dear sister, Kolewerk. You are not a feminist, you are just an aggrieved mega idiot who hates men, and that is not feminism. 

Christmas is coming, if you like, follow abroad husband and go.


Culled from Victor Daniel Facebook handle.


127 comments:

  1. Hahahaha! Abroad husband.

    Abeg I dey wait for my leboo! He is coming home this December.

    I hope he pays my dowry before going back. If not, na break up be that oo. I cannot come and waste my time.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ideato on Anon mode.
      Anyway back to the post, very well said. A 1000 like for this post. God bless for sharing this. They are always single and a time waister.

      Delete
    2. As a western union wife that you is na.

      Delete
    3. Stellostic, they don dey come home oh. I get 2 suitors already, one UK guy and the other from Australia, they are here to get a naija girl and marry.

      See pressures, I'm getting confused even. The UK guy stingy sha but the Aussie one is a spender o. I want to consider him, that's if we're both going to Australia by December. I no fit shout!

      But this Facebook message is scary. Why the guy wan spoil person joy na.

      BTW, it's Friday people!

      Delete
    4. Uk guys work hard for their money ooooo...

      Delete
    5. Why won't they be stingy, too much tax on top their money

      Delete
    6. UK guys are 200% stingy najia guys beta pass them,SA guys are givers oo but na ashawo guys them be,Germany&Europe guys na pay as u go,USA guys na osho freeoo with packaging, Malaysian,indonesia,Brazil,China,Mexicoguys na doro money spender, Dubai guys na storytellers they usually comeback with female cloths,shoe & bags askin anygirl they met to help them look for buyers so with,India& Czech republic guys, but u see African county returnees they chop money wella u will be amazed so chick ima knw how I dy go nah for dis Xmas money for hand back for ground cos wen they will go back they won't tell u fiam of they go ooooo!

      Delete
    7. Amacastel you're right, Africa country returnees dey chop money wella and they are not stingy.

      Delete
  2. Hahahahahahahahahaha...
    The writer is a hater!...
    I'm sure a girl left him for an abroad husband!...and yes,abroad husband has helped some women's ministry!...
    Is it not better to marry a loaded abroad husband with an oyibo wife than to end up as a frustrated gwegz?...
    Abegi abegi abegi!...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Linda , your comments always crack me up.
      I love you

      Delete
    2. I thought as much,what's the writer painment in abroad husband,abroad man onece snatched your girlfriend ba.contonue hating and grieving over lost girlfriend that is now another man's wife.

      Delete
    3. And after all he will be sending you dollars and pounds. Who poor local husband epp? my husband you can stay "in the abroad for ever, just dey send money, our neighbour emeka will help you to produce our childrens, okwaya?"

      Delete
    4. Na ya people dey like this kin arrangement pass. Neverdowells

      Delete
    5. 😁😁😅😅😃😃😂. Linda nnem you no go kill me ooooo

      Delete
    6. Don't mind the hater, who poor single local man epp

      Delete
    7. Chai, the Queen and boss, u don cray finish. Don't I just love u? U are loved.

      Delete
    8. Why always d name "Emeka"? Am not likin dis ooooo!

      Delete
  3. Replies
    1. This write up is 100% correct,they just come and waste your time .den they go back,

      Delete
  4. This is so funny, all the sisi waiting for "the abroad" brothers to arrive will not listen.
    Provided he's from abroad, some won't even care to know where in the abroad he's from.

    I wish them luck though, some are truly looking for wife and not all of them are married in "the abroad" lol.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The thick sarcasm in this write up is killing me! Lmaooo. Abroad horseband! *all of a sudden u realise u r 33 and u r not getting any younger* *who young guy with dreams epp?* *you join the nigera online association of feminists* ikwakwakwakwakwakwa

      Delete
  5. Am already @home Anambra rocks, after 3yrs, home sweet home.
    #JOeFIRSt

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. from the abroad or from lagos?😆😆😆

      Delete
    2. Lol, i tire.

      Delete
    3. Abroad husband no help me abeg.
      Was i not the woman that wrote her chronicle last month.
      Do you know that when i asked him to open up to me,he said he doesn't have money to come back home.. Yet he wants to relocate to another country..
      This man left me in my sister's house since 2013 without a dime. Who can be more frustrated than I'm?

      Stella thank you for your advice sha,I found a sister in you.

      Delete
  6. Lol them I just got back (IJGB).
    Better be smart ladies, most of them have nothing to offer.
    They'd just use you and dump you the way you throw away an orange when done sucking out all its juice.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What I hate about them is the hours they spend in calling discussing about themselves only.

      Delete
    2. Haba! Why nah? The "in the abroad" guys have different categories. I wish I could spill. Sha, keep your eyes open ladies. U.S. A "in the abroad" abroadians are the most dangerous. If Stella opens a segment about the "in the abroad", I will lecture you and open Una eyes to some things. Fadalurd helep you all to get the marriage. (in sister Nkechi s voice)bikiafu!

      Delete
  7. It is abrodians. That is what my uncle wife called them when i went to the village last Christmas.

    They can deceive girls. I pray our ladies shine their eyes this time. Recession dey abroad too

    ReplyDelete
  8. Woman woman woman talk everywhere. Breathing space plz

    ReplyDelete
  9. Those boys can spend eh
    I must hook one this December

    Ifeanyi my Thailand ex boo thang was so sweet
    Fine boy with fine pocket
    I miss his money not him though.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lol babes idirokwa achi
      Abroad husbands don't trip me
      All these people that will just keep baby making machines at home and would be frolicking abroad
      I want my man by my side always biko

      Delete
    2. Chy babe you are a very very badt badt geuh 😁😁😁😁😅.

      Delete
    3. Lol
      Adim very serious oh
      I'm feeling the vibe already

      I must catch my groove this Christmas eh
      Man no die, man no rotten
      ChiChi baby the Onu gbajie boys.
      Hehehehehehehe

      Delete
    4. This comment has been removed by the author.

      Delete
  10. For the gullible single ladies.
    I don't do abroad guys cos the 419 no be here.... They are good in the more you look the less you see.
    They go just fuck u from Xmas to New Year n keep u hanging till the following year/xmas 😄😂😁

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What do you mean for the gullible ones?

      Pls keep your opinion. Not all abroad guys are into fraud or drugs!

      Delete
    2. Most of them are so please look well b4 you leap and yes they can only decieve the gullible ones

      Delete
    3. Did you just say you dont do abroad boys ,thought you are happily married 🙀🙀🙀

      Delete
    4. Diva, she's 'happily' married o

      Delete
  11. The writer is jealous because his girlfriend left him for someone in d abroad. Epele oh.

    ReplyDelete
  12. For the gullible single ladies.
    I don't do abroad guys cos their 419 no be here.... They are good in the more you look the less you see.
    They go just fuck u from Xmas to New Year n keep u hanging till the following year/xmas 😄😂😁

    ReplyDelete
  13. hahaha this cracked me up real bad

    ReplyDelete
  14. He/she who get ear,let him/her hear oooooo!

    ReplyDelete
  15. I have already booked mine meeting three coming in,I am so excited won't put my eggs in one basket again.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Looooooool,Anon 17:26, ur case dey heaven😂😂😂😂😂😂you no well atall

      Delete
  16. Hahaha very funny but true story sha ooh

    Eermm the fact is not all of them are fakes, some do take their wives back with them to their base. Or work their papers and bring them over later!

    But girls must sha continue to fall mugu to abroad guys. Cos seriously? who no like dollars and pounds? Ego a na ataro afufu wee libe (money wey person no suffer come dey chop)

    ReplyDelete
  17. Rotfl....hahahaha...babes shine ur eyes o before Una turn bebe...lol

    ReplyDelete
  18. My baby in indonesia is coming in, cant wait too excited.

    ReplyDelete
  19. The writer though. He must have been dealt with by the so called abroad guys. Nna hustle and become one of them.

    ReplyDelete
  20. #The things you are passionate about are not random, they are your calling. What you seek is seeking you*

    ReplyDelete
  21. This writer is a clown. A Lot of ladies are wiser ojare. Abroad husband doesn't thrill as much as it used to before.

    That doesn't mean that there are no gullible girls still falling for the Indonesian based American accent husband material o.

    ReplyDelete
  22. My friend catch one and na the wedding we dey wait for.

    Owerri na me and you this year. Amen

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Me sef na owerri girl and I catch one.lol

      Delete
  23. The queen why do I feel you married an abroad guy? Me I have an abroad guy that wants to marry me but I'm still praying about it but i will go there first n see for my self before I agree, plus he is a citizen so no body will leave me here to rot. But if I were to choose, I like Nigerian guys at least u know what d person is doing for a living and all. I never prayed for abroad guy mana nna mehn, aturnugazim anty gwegz biko, na him make me dey consider am. But d guy di very sharp, anagham eme ihe umuazi biko. The queen, di guy jikwu akwukwo, confirm red passport, odikwa ka anyi aga etinye isi dia, ke ife ilo? mmadu eme hozie gwegwegwe, akam no na gwegz because I'm still very sharp, I'm 30 mana aghazigam onwem ofuma looking 25. nga abanyezi d boat as a sharp Anambra babe. kikikikikik the queen the queen! your students are loyal and learning fast biko, oge adiro.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hahahahahahahah...
      I didn't marry an abroad based guy my sister!..
      Abeg grab the guy sharp sharp!...don't mind anyone telling you other wise!...
      Even if he has an oyibo wife,you should know that one na for Pali nah...
      But,Go and visit him first to see things for your self before committing!...
      Meanwhile,you never reach an aunty gwegz!...
      It starts from 40...
      Invite me ka m bia nuo manya ngwo!...

      Delete
    2. Ewu you don dey happy now,I met one like that and later found out he was married,citizen my ass,that one hid it so well but as a sharp girl muwabu I caught him.

      Delete
    3. Queen,one is one my neck at the moment,in SA with seven children from three different women,gave me his conditions which includes no too many questions,you must be in Nigeria forever,dont panic when you don't hear from me,i don't like my woman encroaching my space and privacy.then I asked him,is this marriage or enslavement.

      Delete
    4. None biko do fast and come over, I could use a friend here in maryland, like queen said, it has helped many women's ministry, it sure did help mine and family. All are not deceiver oh. Even while waiting in Naija,I still got a car and nice apartment and frequent remit. Who local epp? Have been doing local and nothing to show for it but heartbreak.do the let anyone tell you shit.i use to castigate them and never gave them a chance cos I don't have patient to wait for them but locals wasted all those precious time I could have used to wait for one abroad guy that came my way then. But God sent me another before my ministry go reach aunt gwegs,and my life has changed for the better. Don't let anyone tell you shut. Just keep your eyes wide open to sift through the fakes.

      Delete
    5. You ladies just want a ring and a meal ticket.

      Delete
  24. The writer is not talking to me. Me wey dey find how I go take make my own money.

    ReplyDelete
  25. It's not all abroad that is abroad o. That's how I was dating one in SA when I went to visit him found ou he lives in a one room apartment. Shares a 3 bed with 2 other guys. He didn't have a job and could barely feed. As I came back from that trip I use my tongue count my teeth.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hahahaha.... this is so funny.

      Delete
  26. This cracked me up, abroad husbands indeed. The truth is they themselves are broke too , working two jobs in the UK and Obamaland as security and plumbers... Who them EPP?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. At least they have jobs....

      Delete
    2. Who told u we r broke !!! Do u know £1 is like 500 naira now so imagine us coming home with ordinary £1000 2 spend 4 just 1wk . And mind u we r happy doing d 2 jobs cos at d end of d day we r getting paid than 2 stay in Nigeria jobless !!!

      Delete
    3. Ode, plumbers even make good money. Forget that thing; do you know how much these European labourers charge us here? They are self employed.
      Abegi jare

      Delete
  27. Abroad husbands, oka na ewu? Wayo full most of them body these days oh. Shine your eyes babes.

    ReplyDelete
  28. That's how one unserious guy i knew from way back, chatted me up,i was busy so couldn't reply on time and he started blowing one kind accent e.g whada heck is fucking wrong with ur damn fucking ass? U wanna fucking tell me u've been fucking busy? Oh jeez! This is fucking crazy mhen.....u try dis next time,i'm gonna kick ur ass. I asked him which country he is and he said he's presently "outside the country". When i asked which country he is, he said Ghana... Na so i open mouth..smh

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Big lie; not funny at all. What type of girl are you that a riff raff will use *F" words while talking to you?
      Abeg, comot here jare.
      Mtcheeeeeeew

      Delete
    2. Lmao!! You did not give him Nafdac slap?? Dulling geh... and he used over night bus to go there o..

      Delete
    3. I don't die, una no go kill person for this blog oh

      Delete
    4. Walahi, you've got talent....you are an original comedian. I laff taya on this one. Eshekpukpo.

      Delete
    5. Jixoxxxxxxxxxx
      See me laughing n tears coming out from my eyes
      Anno u'r crayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

      Delete
  29. Quite an interesting piece. One should be careful. That's how one came back the other time speaking "I wanna gonna". I did my mathematics and found out that he is an ex-convict. Omo, I pick race o!
    Some of them are walking up and down with one kidney sef.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lolz hahaha @ 1 kidney self

      Delete
  30. Abroad guys Wey Dey come home with so many disease...wen Dey don come spend their money finish dem go Dey look for who to buy dem return ticket...or if dem don pursue den for d country Wey dem Dey dem go Dey look to go another country...Abeg make dem come make we do visa for den very well

    ReplyDelete
  31. Owerri ebe ka anyi!
    I love Christmas so much!!!
    Ah!!
    All the agaramen, inamean guys.
    Enom sayin'
    Hehehheeh.
    @Poster... some work out though.
    Kolowerk 💃🏼💃🏼💃🏼

    I have "pana" on repeat in my mind.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hahahahahahahaha...
      Imela mkpole Iphie...
      I love una language die!...
      My favorite is ortu ocha!...

      I like Orlu and mbaise dialect too...
      I have over played pana!...I'm no longer enjoying it...

      Delete
  32. I don't know why I don't fancy abroad husbands... Can't imagine my life abroad,eating all kinds of concoction in d name of food and seeing mostly white skin everywhere.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. All Nigerian foods are in the US....even kwilikwili,gala,nzu,fresh scent leaf,uziza leaf,yam,palm nut,just name it!...
      Reject this your poverty mentality...

      Delete
    2. Which concoction? A beg I just finished my vegetable yam,ji agworo agwo.local way. You eat what you to eat.

      Delete
    3. Everything dey here even nzu my addiction

      Delete
    4. Lmao 😂😂😂 you don't mean it.

      Delete
    5. Lmao 😂😂😂 you don't mean it.

      Delete
  33. This writer is just pained but is using style to talk the truth.

    Ladies please shine your eyes, you can chop dollars if you are wise enough to use condom when giving them conga to shine, otherwise, flee from them motherfuckers.....

    ReplyDelete
  34. The writter should just say abroad boys ,married his gf ,which one be dogon turenchi

    ReplyDelete
  35. I miss abroad.. in Do Good's voice.

    ReplyDelete
  36. 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂,please I need a genuine abroad guy mbok

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lol. #Word. The init time wasters. He who hath an ear let him digest this epistle.

      Delete
  37. They are all not like dat o, i married an aboard guy , only saw him once , did introduction alone in Nigeria cos he could nt come due to the fact dat his papers were not released yet by home office , fast forward now , am with him now in the UK with a beautiful daughter and things are working well with us by the power of baba God.

    ReplyDelete
  38. The way guys talk be shaking ladies on this blog eeehn.. Yawns

    ReplyDelete
  39. Abroad husband don help me, i don drop 2 kids here for am and he comes home once in a year, i no care every month 100k de enter my account my kids attend the best school my business rest, 2 cars de ground to top it up he made me a landlady. And yes he is living in a room over there and he is building our second house here and yes I am the breadwinner in my family and no be juju.

    ReplyDelete
  40. Lol,make Femi come home make we marry or Sammy sef but emirates don sweet Sammy he no want to come naija again. Abeg my zenith suit me,he's been to so many countries and back to Nigeria to start his own business. I no dey find fish wey big pass my throat

    ReplyDelete
  41. This writer is sure pained, are the abroad guys not human being. They are there working their but off,denying foreign exchange to help Nigeria but when it's time for them to reap the benefits of being a Nigerian ,uour cone with your negative story.abeg go collect several sit back. Like queen said, they have helped many women's ministry. They are not the only ones that can waste time oh. The locals have mastered the art of time wasting with their many girlfriends and lies. Show me an abroad guy that wasted your 2years and I show you a local that has squandered your 5 years without remorse oh. At least with the abroad guy, you have at least some money coming in to make the wait bearable.but local will collect the one you have and spend it on another side chic. A beg find another story Mr cry me a river.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Abroad guys marry quick they don't waste time

      Delete
  42. Lolz my experience with one abroad guy that came home last Dec he was all over me and as a smart girl I played along tho he's rich currently doing his phd also a citizens my friends has started advicing me to pray about him I said Hmmmmm nottoo fast he took me out every day and really sound nice asked me out saying he's done with school he wants to marry, I told him to calm down a step at a time he tried to have Sex I told him he should give me time he should not rush. He talked abt marriage and how eager he is, he beg and beg for me to follow him when he's leaving, my friends all said it's an opportunity I should follow him but my mind was against it all thru I said when he gets there he should invite me that I needed to prepare and tell my family about it, he left Jan and I began a good search about him I searched and searched thru his facebook all his pictures all the people that do like his pictures I didn't find anything suspicious not convinced I went to his sister's husband page lo and behold there I saw that dis guy is married with two kids. I kept mute and collected money from him then I told him my parents are against his tribe. He stays in UK but his family stays in SA. Beware my sisters

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Its good to search well, that was how I caught bone idiot that lives in America has a family, hid them

      Delete
  43. Hmmm.... this one funny ooo, for me am waiting for my love he's coming bk Dec. Can't wait to see him...

    ReplyDelete
  44. Nice writeup guy,u actually have a point though bcus abroad guys to me Mbanuuuu,though not all of them are like DAT ohh

    ReplyDelete
  45. Instead of u,women to pray for ur husbands to locate u wherever he is,u pple are here talking and insulting abroad guys...dia abroad guys has helped a lot of girls schooling in naija,from buying them phones,laptops,money and so many other tins...women are much more than men and u need to pray serious to grab Ur own...it's all about u and Ur God...yes most of them are deceivers and mind u dat they re not fools,if u behave and respect urself when with them ,they treat u nice,open up to u and respect u but if u re too materialistic..my dear they can just deceive u and go.Be wise

    ReplyDelete
  46. 19 “Sir,” the woman said, “I can see that you are a prophet. 20 Our ancestors worshiped on this mountain, but you Jews claim that the place where we must worship is in Jerusalem.”

    21 “Woman,” Jesus replied, “believe me, a time is coming when you will worship the Father neither on this mountain nor in Jerusalem. 22 You Samaritans worship what you do not know; we worship what we do know, for salvation is from the Jews. 23 Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in the Spirit and in truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks. 24 God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in the Spirit and in truth.”

    25 The woman said, “I know that Messiah” (called Christ) “is coming. When he comes, he will explain everything to us.”

    26 Then Jesus declared, “I, the one speaking to you—I am he.”

    ReplyDelete
  47. D truth be say dat 20% of naija single guys dey abroad and who u wan them to marry.we get to many single ladies in naija,so tell me what those single ladies go do if dis guys don't come back and marry them..or u want them to be single mothers like our naija babes in United Kingdom...my sisters abeg marry any Man U love oh whether na abroad guy or not b4 u turn to gwegwez..I don talk my own,if u like reject abroad guys na u know.

    ReplyDelete

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