Stella Dimoko Korkus.com: Polygamy - it’s Misconceptions And The Yoruba Culture...

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Friday, 21 October 2016

Polygamy - it’s Misconceptions And The Yoruba Culture...

A lot of times when I speak to people about Polygamy, it’s causes and effects, I have noticed that a lot of them have the idea of what Polygamy is misconstrued. 





It boggles my mind how little understanding they have about it most especially when they come from a region where the idea is generally accepted. We are never too old to learn so let me start by defining Polygamy –


What is Polygamy?
Polygamy is a state of marriage to many spouses. It involves marriage with more than one spouse. When a man is married to more than one wife at a time, it is called polygyny. When a woman is married to more than one husband at a time, it is called polyandry.

Now, I have a child from a previous union. His father has moved on to have more kids with other women. Is my child from a Polygamous home? Absolutely NOT! If I get married today to a single or divorced man and have more kids with my husband, am I in a Polygamous situation? Absolutely NOT! The word that describes that is called “Blended.”


In other words, in other to call yourself a Polygamist, you actually have to be married to more than one woman at a time. If you are simply dating other women and married to one – you are considered an Adulterer, not a Polygamist. If you are dating several women and not married to any – you are considered a serial dater and not a Polygamist. If you have kids by different women and are married to none, you are then considered a serial sperm supplier or simply a man with kids by different women and not a Polygamist.


What Polygamy isn’t and how the Yoruba Culture has it misconstrued
Before I continue let me just state that Polygamy is not unique to the Yoruba People. Out of 1,231 societies noted, 588 had frequent polygyny. I am not privy to how these societies do their thing but I am familiar with how some people view what Polygamy is in Nigeria. Of all the three major tribes in Nigeria, the Yorubas and the Hausas are more “culturally” inclined to participate in Polygyny. For the sake of argument, and not writing an entire book on this subject, I will be focusing on the Yoruba culture and how it tends to misconstrue what polygamy is.


Before I continue, let me properly reiterate what polygamy isn’t

1. Polygamy isn’t marrying one wife, divorcing her, then remarrying another wife, this is called remarrying.
2. Polygamy isn’t having children by multiple women and not marrying anyone of them.
3. Polygamy isn’t marrying one woman and having kids with other women.
4. As long as you are not officially married to two or more women – This is NOT polygamy and you are NOT a polygamist.


Stop Confusing Yourselves

A lot of times, I’ll hear some Yoruba people say they are from a Polygamous home but when you fact check, you realize, their father probably only married one woman, whom he cheated on and had kids outside with other women. If this is your story, you are not from a Polygamous home. If your father was not married to and cohabiting with more than two women at a time, you are not from a polygamous home. This is not to say that is the case with everyone. Yes, some people are genuinely from a home where two wives married their father and they lived as a unit. Most times, I have also noted, these people never have good stories to share. 

A lot of times, the kids from the favorite wife are treated better than the kids from the not so favorite. Also a lot of times, the man does not have resources to care for the kids from multiple women, so these kids end up looking to the streets to care for themselves or the women end up bearing the burden alone, while the man works on bringing in more “wives.”


I cannot begin to stress the importance of Monogamy as it applies to child rearing, but that is a story for another day. Anyway, I have noticed a trend with the Yoruba culture. For some reason, men who have children out of wedlock and their families tend to be the worst at facing the reality of the situation.


When a woman has a child by a man, she automatically becomes “Iyawo Wa (Our Wife).” This in my opinion is wrong. It is fair to the woman, to always call a spade a spade. It is fair to the woman, to make her “Iyawo Wa (Our Wife)” if you really want her to be your wife. Words are meaningless without action.
Without judging, women also contribute to this problem by allowing men get away with not being 100% clear about her position in his life. Put yourself in an unserious man’s shoes for a second – If you have a woman willing to have your child without being married, and such woman claims to be your wife knowing fully well, you have not proposed to her or performed any marriage rights, wouldn’t you simply leave things as is? I feel such a man would enjoy the ride and be less inclined get married to the woman,  after all we have the liberty to accept how we wish to be treated.


Of course there are exceptions, this does not apply to women who have your child knowing fully well they are just your partner and are ok with that position. Note:  not everyone wants to get married and be a wife, some women are content with being in a loving relationship without marriage and this to me is perfectly ok. We all know what works for us, as long as we face reality and don’t call it what it is not, we tend to live happier lives.


I believe it is people who cohabit or date without being married, but still claim husband and wife that ultimately misconstrue the idea of polygamy and ultimately end up unhappy when they eventually don’t get what they want.


Why I Think Polygamy is Bad
Polygyny is bad in my opinion because I firmly believe it is impossible to love two women equally. Personally I believe Polygamy breeds hate, envy, jealousy and so much more. I feel it is wise to end one relationship properly before starting the other. I have no problems dating a man with children as long as he is very clear about my position in his life as his one and only women. Sharing willingly is never an option.


I also feel it is very wise to make sure all parties know exactly where they stand so nobody ends up getting hurt. Leading two or more women on to believe they are loved equally or they are your “wife” when you have not officially married them, will only cause problems if your actions speak otherwise. I have seen new wife and ex wife get along very well because both parties have moved on and the man has made his position clear to both women. I think when men dilly dally with lies and confusion, problems will arise.

Some people quote the Holy books when trying to justify polygamy, the most popular being the Quran. The Quran may say it is ok to marry 4 wives, but it also clearly states, if you can love them equally. Last time I checked it is virtually impossible to love two people equally, not to speak of four. There will always be some bias somewhere. In my opinion, that quote from the Quran is pretty much telling you to stick to one woman because it is impossible to love more than one the same way but as usual, people will fine tune and twist the holy book to suit their desires.


Like I stated previously Polygamy is not unique to Africa or the Yoruba people, here in the United States of America, polygamy is practiced by some Mormons in Utah. What I find unique is that, irrespective of culture, the issues that arise are the same. I read an article about an American lady who grew up in a polygamous home. She spoke of the jealousy and pain polygamy brought into her life as a child and to me, her story was not that much different from some of the ones I have heard from some Yorubas who grew up in Polygamous homes. Sometimes, I wonder why anyone would want to purposely put their children through that. In my opinion it is one of the most selfish things to do as a person.


We were not designed to share a spouse
Another reason I feel polygamy is bad is how the human brain is set up. As much as some like to deny it, humans are not designed to share a partner permanently or temporarily – unless your a swinger and that is how your sexual desires get fulfilled. We always feel good knowing we are the one lover that matters most to our partner. This is one of the reasons jealousy is an emotion attached to love. 

Tell me, how would you feel watching your man or woman go spend the night with someone else and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. Ask yourself honestly, how would it make you feel? I am sure you know the answer deep in your heart.

I feel to successfully share a spouse, the feeling of love must not be there. People get married for different reasons and one of those reasons for some are security and convenience – not love. I believe those who are willing to share are there for either security or convenience. The sad part is that polygamy does not guarantee this security. It actually does quite the opposite. Most women in a polygamous marriage live a life of insecurity wondering and waiting for what will happen next and most women who enter a relationship as the second fiddle tend to be the most jealous.


In Conclusion
This article is not intended to judge anyone or their personal life choices. We can’t all be the same. It is more to clarify what polygamy is or isnt because truly I am tired of hearing it misconstrued. It is also to help those who are not sure where they stand with their partner understand their position. As long as you are happy with your situation, go for it but do not call it what it is not just to make yourself feel better. Facing reality is a part of life and the sooner you do it, the better.

 It will leave your happier and more fulfilled once you come to terms with things and work on changing it only if you feel the need to. I also think kids from blended situations tend to get along better when their parents get along well because there is no confusing causing avoidable issues.

Culled/Caption: tonipayneonline


WOW,Thanks for this Toni..


59 comments:

peace maker said...

Good to know

Doppelgรคnger said...

I see what you did there and I want to believe she said this before her ex husband did.

Loveme Jeje said...

Am i writing for an exam? who get time to read all this.

Payne next time summarize biko.

Anonymous said...

long live OBA EWUARE II......oba gha tor kpereeeee.....iseeeeeeee

Bee10 said...

OK that is the reply to the interview of her ex.

Miz Cindy said...

Too long, can't read + we went to school and we know what polygamy is so..

Allergic to bullshite*

Ayo said...

Reason why she left that unfortunate 9ice

Anonymous said...

What polygamy is is "selfishness" and insatiable libido on the part of those men involved. That was not God's wish from the beginning. A man leaves his father and mother and cleave to his wife (not wives); and the two become one flesh. Note that it is "the two" and not "so many". If the women involved should be sincere to themselves, they are not happy having to "share" a man with another; that is not the way God made the woman's heart to function. If you call it "culture" then it is a "bad culture".

Mama Afrika said...

All this long epistle ontop poligamy? Ok na

Anonymous said...

Dear Toni Payne please is 9ice a polygamist or a monogamist? Madam Yoruba men are polymist in nature. Your long writeup won't change it. Fact is you are the confused one here. Thank God you mentioned it in your write up, why should a married have two extra women cohabiting with him and bearing him children when he hasn't wifed them but you all still call them 1st wife, 2nd wife and 3rd wife. What do you expect the children to say, that they're bastards or illegitimate children? This is the way it has always been amongst yorubas especially the muslims. Thank God you people gave it a name 'Iyawo Saraa'(dunno if I got the spelling correct)

Anonymous said...

Toni hasnt healed from Nice ooo, see long write up ontop mata as he said he will marry more than one wife! Toni, people know the truth about polygamy and your write up is nice, but truth is that people will still be selfish and dillydally with multiple women Men are bastards

NIRVANA said...

Toni does this Yoruba Polygamy inclination encyclopedia have anything to do with what your ex husband said about marrying plenty wives?

Expectant mom said...

Very well said. Toni is very intelligent. I love her.

onlydaughter said...

Yes.....was worth reading! Pfftt

Anonymous said...

Not well researched despite the lengthy bit about Yorubas

Naijasinglegirl said...

Gats to look for how I can convince my project supervisor for my masters thesis to let me write this topic so I just copy and paste.

plumpy j said...

All this long talk on top POLYGAMY.

Becky Divine said...

Nice write up
Polygamy is bad!

Unless the man in question is super duper rich and can afford to take good care of them respectively.. then the quarrels and fights can be avoided.

But still..polygamy no be beans

la effizy said...

Stellastico!!!
I see it!
I smell it!
I feel it!
This is a sun SHADE!!!

Anonymous said...

Tanx,you can give ur hubby sis to read

Sholamatty

Hannah said...

Please get your facts rights. Mormons are not polygamous. I am Mormon i.e. (a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints) and I can authoritatively tell you, on the strength of my 15 years membership, that being polygamous is a sure ticket to excommunication from the church.

Hannah Idowu Dideolu said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ThatYorubaChic#wifenotcook said...

And she replies her ex kwakwakwakwakwakwa

Kim Kardashian Aka portable queen of sdk blog said...

9ice n ex wife again.... I will jump n pass biko

Mrs. Romas said...

I hate polygamy and i don't support it in anyway.
Everything lies with the woman most times, why call a man who has not paid your bride price, my husband, or allow his family call you their wife when they didn't follow him to pay respect to your family.

Toni Payne, move on already.

OliviaSilk said...

I am Igbo,Should I read?

Mao Akuh said...

Nice write up Toni.

But wait o, you must finish it o..
I want to ask a question...You said when a man marries a woman but had plenty kids from different women is called cohabiting abi na wetin she call'am again? But what of the children... WHAT ARE THEY CALLED? I'm asking because those kids need to know where they belong maka tomorrow.

Mao Akuh said...

You will find one Mormons who's a polygamist if you investigate Ma'am.

Ammie said...

Hian...start but couldn't read to the end biko
I know what polygamy is

I am the queen and the boss of this blog said...

I didn't read oh!...
Yaraba people should stop justifing their promiscuous abeg...

I am the queen and the boss of this blog said...

Gbam!...
Correct anonymous!...

I am the queen and the boss of this blog said...

Even with all the money...they can never live in peace without one getting jealous...
The jazz nko?...
Story for another day!...

KARMAisabitch said...

Hannah better google mormons in Utah and educate yourself

Anonymous said...

This is lovely, God bless you.

Anonymous said...

Queen! Queen!
I raise Beyonce hand for this your gbaguan!

reemah said...

Hehe. Intelligent write-up though

Anonymous said...

NSG, I love your blog, keep soaring high. On a lighter note, so you are in school for masters prog, and you go say no money, how naa, sisterly. Lolz.

Starjoy said...

Nice writeup!

reemah said...

Osheeeey PUNdit! Hehe

Anonymous said...

This is lovely. It is actual fact, God bless you.

D mbaise gurl said...

Polygamy is bullshit for all I care. My uncle with his plenty ego and money married two wives and had eleven children. His wives and kids are always fighting. We refer to their house as Fuji house of commossion. The worse now is that his first wife has relocated to America with her five kids so as to give the second wife room to 'enjoy her husband' as she always say. Now the second wife had moved out too. My uncle is sick. He has Parkinson disease. No wife or kids to take care of him. He has a male house help that takes him to clinic . thank god he has little cash to take care of himself. His house is empty. Living a bachelor life at old age. Na wa. Thank God the IBO community frowns at polygamy.

Iris said...

Please don't come here and try to confuse people. It is only because after several years of fighting the US government, a faction of the LDS church broke away and decided to follow the government law on marrying one wife, that extended to other countries

But the true position of Joseph Smith and the church leaders after him was that a man must be polygamous befor he can gain entry in the seventh heaven. This is fact!!! In fact, there are some hardliners in Utah who till today still struggle to hold on to polygamy as a way of life believing it to be the original teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith...#fact!!!

Anonymous said...

Poor write up. If you really want to make a meaningful write up please endeavour to do a proper research and back your vlaims with facts.
I am really dissapointed. Excessively long with no concrete fact

Anonymous said...

Poor write up. If you really want to make a meaningful write up please endeavour to do a proper research and back your vlaims with facts.
I am really dissapointed. Excessively long with no concrete fact

Jasmine said...

You are smart

Jasmine said...

She hasn't healed at all

Jasmine said...

Lol. You are 'in the abroad' and u r smart.

Some girls r not smart

nnuku Sexy pant-like boxers. 08170506432 Order now said...

Nothing concern me with yoruba o. Lol

Morgana said...

Those that are crying that polygamy us bad should pray that they don't become sis gwegs oh ....wait until you are a single woman @ age 40 and above ...I don't like polygamy either but women who do it usually do so out of frustration. lets restrain from judging anyone

sisi eko said...

Lol you noticed this too. I think 9ice was quoted as saying he would marry more than one wife just days ago. And now this is coming from his ex. Hmmm

Anonymous said...

Afeez take note.

Anonymous said...

Afeez alias Marc take note...

Anonymous said...

Afeez take note.

Bootylycious diva said...

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Anonymous said...

The writer obviously is not well informed about the Yoruba culture. To get a true sense of the practice of polygamy in Yoruba land and how pervasive it was she would have to go up a few generations, maybe to her grans generation. Education in Yoruba land is what reduced the practice of polygamy and it is still recognized in our marriage laws in Nigeria which provides for marriage under native law and custom

Anonymous said...

Everyone has got right to their own opinion. But scientifically human are not monogamous in nature -- both sexes. About 57% of men cheat and 43 percent of women cheat; the gap isn't so different. We all crave for new feelings; same with our food eating habits. Talking about the Yoruba culture this lady Toni Payne clearly dont know anything about the Yoruba culture and I doubt she knows anything about her own culture with the borrowed foreign/slave/colonial name she bears - sounds like a lost one.

If you would want to talk about African men in general being a man myself and a topic that interests me. The Igbo men are as polygamous as Yoruba men but due to cultural and faith alignment with Christianity and stigmatization they keep their concubines secret. They pay for rents and take care of other women secretly (bear kids with them) but will never claim them publicly. While the Yoruba man dont see this as shameful. The colonials themselves who have put this doctrine down for the Igbos themselves are serial monogamist. Marry-divorce-remarry and they can repeat this circle in a continuous loop till death. If two or more consenting adults decides this is how they would cohabit; I believe they have right to their way of life. Just the way people have fought for their rights to be able to marry same sex; or have homosexual relationship. Its a new age and a global world. You should maybe focus your subject on fairness in any of this relationship. But life itself isn't fair.

Anonymous said...

Everyone has got right to their own opinion. But scientifically human are not monogamous in nature -- both sexes. About 57% of men cheat and 43 percent of women cheat; the gap isn't so different. We all crave for new feelings; same with our food eating habits. Talking about the Yoruba culture this lady Toni Payne clearly dont know anything about the Yoruba culture and I doubt she knows anything about her own culture with the borrowed foreign/slave/colonial name she bears - sounds like a lost one.

If you would want to talk about African men in general being a man myself and a topic that interests me. The Igbo men are as polygamous as Yoruba men but due to cultural and faith alignment with Christianity and stigmatization they keep their concubines secret. They pay for rents and take care of other women secretly (bear kids with them) but will never claim them publicly. While the Yoruba man dont see this as shameful. The colonials themselves who have put this doctrine down for the Igbos themselves are serial monogamist. Marry-divorce-remarry and they can repeat this circle in a continuous loop till death. If two or more consenting adults decides this is how they would cohabit; I believe they have right to their way of life. Just the way people have fought for their rights to be able to marry same sex; or have homosexual relationship. Its a new age and a global world. You should maybe focus your subject on fairness in any of this relationship. But life itself isn't fair.

Anonymous said...

Everyone has got right to their own opinion. But scientifically human are not monogamous in nature -- both sexes. About 57% of men cheat and 43 percent of women cheat; the gap isn't so different. We all crave for new feelings; same with our food eating habits. Talking about the Yoruba culture this lady Toni Payne clearly dont know anything about the Yoruba culture and I doubt she knows anything about her own culture with the borrowed foreign/slave/colonial name she bears - sounds like a lost one.

If you would want to talk about African men in general being a man myself and a topic that interests me. The Igbo men are as polygamous as Yoruba men but due to cultural and faith alignment with Christianity and stigmatization they keep their concubines secret. They pay for rents and take care of other women secretly (bear kids with them) but will never claim them publicly. While the Yoruba man dont see this as shameful. The colonials themselves who have put this doctrine down for the Igbos themselves are serial monogamist. Marry-divorce-remarry and they can repeat this circle in a continuous loop till death. If two or more consenting adults decides this is how they would cohabit; I believe they have right to their way of life. Just the way people have fought for their rights to be able to marry same sex; or have homosexual relationship. Its a new age and a global world. You should maybe focus your subject on fairness in any of this relationship. But life itself isn't fair.

get fact right said...

Everyone has got right to their own opinion. But scientifically human are not monogamous in nature -- both sexes. About 57% of men cheat and 43 percent of women cheat; the gap isn't so different. We all crave for new feelings; same with our food eating habits. Talking about the Yoruba culture this lady Toni Payne clearly dont know anything about the Yoruba culture and I doubt she knows anything about her own culture with the borrowed foreign/slave/colonial name she bears - sounds like a lost one.

If you would want to talk about African men in general being a man myself and a topic that interests me. The Igbo men are as polygamous as Yoruba men but due to cultural and faith alignment with Christianity and stigmatization they keep their concubines secret. They pay for rents and take care of other women secretly (bear kids with them) but will never claim them publicly. While the Yoruba man dont see this as shameful. The colonials themselves who have put this doctrine down for the Igbos themselves are serial monogamist. Marry-divorce-remarry and they can repeat this circle in a continuous loop till death. If two or more consenting adults decides this is how they would cohabit; I believe they have right to their way of life. Just the way people have fought for their rights to be able to marry same sex; or have homosexual relationship. Its a new age and a global world. You should maybe focus your subject on fairness in any of this relationship. But life itself isn't fair.

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