Stella Dimoko Korkus.com: Nigerians Una Well Done Oh...

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Thursday, 10 November 2016

Nigerians Una Well Done Oh...

'Good morning to everyone, especially Nigerian Americans. They need it most.



 Happy elections. Don't think I'm crazy for greeting you happy elections, in Nigeria we greet people about everything. You have to get used to this now because you are coming back home. So, Eku election.

I very much understand that you will soon be sent packing from there, so I have taken it upon myself to prepare you for the transition. You have just a little time left there, utilize that time to learn more about Nigeria that you are coming back to.

In Nigeria, we don't have light. Buy power bank while coming. Don't say I didn't tell you. Buy power Bank from there because the ones here are just like your marriages, they don't last. Buy a quality one from the abroad when coming. Also, make sure you charge your phone full before coming here. You should also save money for generator. Buy rechargeable lamps and plenty torchlight too.

Also, save enough money for subscription. There is no free WiFi here. For those of you that will be settling in Lokoja, Jidenna and Co, I'll advice you to buy a glo line. Their network is strong.

Save enough money for emergency transport. You will be deported to Nigeria and by the time you get to the airport, you will need to board a keke from the airport to the badagry refugee centre, from where your ancestors had been shipped to America before. Fuel don cost, transport don increase.

Do you eat moi moi? Learn it. In Nigeria you cannot sit down and order pizza anytime you want. The only order you can make is when you yell to the moi moi seller across the road to bring hot moi moi for you.

Learn proper home training. In Nigeria the only time the police will arrest your parents for hitting you is after you are dead already. And they will later settle the case as "a family affair". If you think you can come here to speak 'innit' for your parents, it's the neighbours that will help them beat you.

Are you a graduate? Doesn't matter. There is no job. Your American accent will not give you a job, except your father knows someone who knows another person that knows a politician, you won't have a job.

Dear American Lover Boy, Nnewi girl will not go Dutch with you. As a matter of fact, no Naija girl will go Dutch with you. You have to prove your masculinity by paying for the date. No one is splitting the bills with you when you take a girl on a date.

When you bruise with a stranger in the market, PLEASE CHECK IF YOUR PENIS IS STILL INTACT.

Learn the Nigerian names of common products. No one will sell "sausage rolls" for you. If you can't call it the Nigerian name- "Gala", no one would have time for you. Noodles is "Indomie". Pasta is "spaghetti". All seasoning is "maggi".

Dear American girl, you cannot dress anyhow you like. Your neighbours will eye you. The random old woman in the market will hiss at you. The random lady in the bus will preach to you. The area boys will jeer you. You might want to report "harassment" to the police, they will arrest you for indecent dressing.

Dear lovers, in Nigeria we don't show public display of affection. You cannot be kissing your boyfriend under the rain. The old woman passing by will invoke thunder to strike the both of you.

These are some of the basic tips to help you adapt after you have been deported. More to come'.

POSTED BY Victor Daniel on FB


128 comments:

peace maker said...

Lol.hilarious

Cutehajia said...

Heheheheheheeh... LMAO

LOLLAH said...

The writer is silly...are you happy that some people might be sent home?

SDK Babe @amaq_collections..fashion designer at your service..bbm 58DB44B1 said...

Hahahahahahahahahaha choi
Nigerians have a crazy sense of humour walahi

Loveme Jeje said...

hahahahaha, my cousin just left 2 days ago to go and start life there.

It is well with them. Nothing will happen. Trump will not do anything to them. It is just the muslims fanatics and core muslims that Trump will deal with.

You forgot to add
Mama put not is that a restaurant?
Dodo not chips
Garri not wheat.

hahahahaha

Shantelle's Empire said...

Lol. But why did the poster call Jidenna?

Etsako Girl said...

Hahahahahahahahaha

nkiruka alonge said...

i cant stop laughing over dis post,u cant kiss in public old woman passing will invoke thurnder,hahahahaaa!

plumpy j said...

Haaaaaaaa,very funny.....

candy yumyum said...

Nigerians and their great sense of humour.

Miss Brown said...

Lmao@ check if your penis is still intact and 'an old woman will invoke thunder to strike both of you'

Mao Akuh said...

hahahahahaha

Oluwakemi Hannah said...

So hilarious.

CherryCee said...

πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

Pretty-mind said...

Hahahhaha------- Funny one.

To my friend 'Vee' I pray this dosn't affect u.
Even though we've not spoken for a whyle. I still lurv u

Amebo said...

Yes ooo, all seasoning is Maggi and again you can here as a man and be hugging another man anyhow, they will call you homo and in worse Case you might be lynched

Cutebagmaker Lagos - souvenir bags/purses, fabric bags, school bags, lunch bags, etc. 08174520392. nationwide delivery said...

Lol. Funny peeps

BeeVee Boo's Barny said...

Hehehehe

Imoh Sandra said...

This whole thing cracked me up big time.

Anonymous said...

Whats all these deportation??? Na so dem they deport ni..as we know everyone must have moved on from Donald trump win! Dont live USA tho

Imoh Sandra said...

This whole thing cracked me up big time.they should come back.

Imoh Sandra said...

This whole thing cracked me up big time.they should come back.

Stella maris Baby said...

Just passing.

Suoebi(Niger delta finest) said...

Lwkm chai simply hilarious

Debi said...

Lol @ PDA

Hourglass said...

πŸ˜‚πŸ˜†πŸ˜…I had a good laugh

Quick Weight loss with Green World Slimming Capsules Abuja. 08037495373. said...

ROTFL o....i can't do this laughter alone o... i'm sharing to my contacts mbok. Hahahaha..lol...

Gaza Gyal said...

LWKMD oooo

Roseflower said...

I find the Jidenna and slavery part a bit insensitive though.

Tayan Taylor said...

Lol,Trump might do otherw

Tayan Taylor said...

Lol,Trump might do otherwise

Amebo said...

My grandma pls calm down it is just for the laughs. You people here have a way of seeing a problem with everything

Bootylycious diva said...

Trump has won ,so if you hear your name kindly return to your real hometown with immediate effect -

Kanye West-Ngor Okpala
Jay-z - Oguta,Imo state
Tinie tempah-Opobo,Rivers state
Lil wayne- Benue
Kendrick lamar-onitsha
Acehood-Awka
50 cent-Oshodi
D game- Ondo
Nas-Ikwerre Rivers
Snoop dogg-Ogwashiukwu Delta
Wale-oyo state
R-kelly- Lokoja
Meek mill- Badagry
Young thug- Festac
Birdman-Nsukka
Taio cruz- Ibadan
Trey songz-Mbaise,Imo state
2 chainz-Kaduna
Juicy j-Akwaibom State
Rick ross-delta state
P diddy- Ajegunle
Beyonce- Owerri

This is the first batch..... will upload the 2nd batch once fully compiled.

Lange said...

Stella This post was made by Victor Daniel on facebook. Please give him credit. I don't know why people keep stealing the young man's post and not giving credit. I am sure it's one of his followers that sent it to you without attaching his name. Please help his ministry grow by giving him credit.

shola akorede said...

Lol

Anonymous said...

Is this supposed to be a joke? Haha. Ignorance of the highest order. No one is coming home so deal with it.

Kim Kardashian Aka portable queen of sdk blog said...

This is getting out of hands.
Trump is not going to wake up one morning n start deporting people just like.
The due process must be followed.
Illegal immigrants are the one to be worried that's if they will find out.
This is campaign promises, not that some are not going to be implemented.
Same way buhari deceived a lot of Nigerians with CHANGE and lots of unfulfilled promises.

Anonymous said...

Lol.I luv my 9ja.

Sophisticated Mimi said...

Bwahahahahahahahaha

Anonymous said...

I forgot to laugh...writer, we don't say innit in America ok...all in the name of tryna be funny, you goofed ...we ain't gonna be deported so get that out of your wacky brain..we would always visit home (nigeria)when we want..be deportation ? Far be it from us...the fact that we don't want trump, does not mean we are not legally leaving here..I VOTED.. and for HILLARY...now run along and go sit your $5 ass down before I make change..

Olaide Davies said...

Lol una no go kill person.

crouchingTigress said...

Lol

oluwatoyosi said...

Your sense of humor.

oluwatoyosi said...

Very funny.

RiRi said...

Lmao
This writer bad gan..so funny.

Anonymous said...

Mtchew! typical of Nigerians. FYI, the people that should be scared are illegal immigrants. You're glorying in the idea that people that left this harsh country for a better life might be sent back. Misery indeed loves company.

cakes by Bella's, Abuja. 58DA8ADF, 07080305132, @cakes_by_bellas said...

Hahaha, too funny

QUEEN AMY Loves ACCESS BANK said...

Trump won't do anything to them.

Anonymous said...

I Love This, Innit,,,

Christabel said...

After reading this ' I felt very bad . Why can't Nigeria be like America? After suffering here, you will na die and go to hell? Somebody say tufiakwa

The General's Wife said...

Hahahhahaha hahahhahaha

There is this one too.

Trump has won so if you hear your name,please kindly return to your real hometown with immediate effect!

Kanye West-Ogidi
Jay Z-Nnewi
Tinnie Tampah-Obosi
Lil Wayne-Igboukwu
Kendrick Lamar-Agulu
50 Cent-Onitsha
The Game-Awka
Snoop-Oraukwu
Nas-Awka-Etiti.

LUCILE COCONUT OIL ABUJA 07059605320 Pin- 2BC6235E said...

Kwakwakwakwa,you ain't serious right?

viva ciara said...

Lol @ hot moi moi.

Kachi said...

This really cracked me up

Adanne said...

Hahaha haha hahaha
Hehe he he he he he he nsogbu dikwa.
#onlyinnigeria

Akinjide Rasheed said...

Very funny 😁.... Can't stop laughing πŸ˜†

Akinjide Rasheed said...

Very funny 😁... Can't stop laughing πŸ˜†.

Adadioramma said...

So hillarious. TEll them to come home with good and quality luggage case, if not, na Ghana must go them go use carry your load from Airport. They should also come back with plenty dollar o, as recession no let people see road here.

LADY PRESTIGE BEADS.08034205152 said...

Lol... Nigerians find comic relief from even difficult situation.

Yetinde said...

Haba now.....Stella they can order pizza now;that's if they'll be living in Lagos urban Sha and Abuja..,,.

Anonymous said...

I feel bad as a Nigerian American, almost half of my naija people might be deported, am super sad for them and grateful I came here with the dv lottery.

ChyAdaJesus said...

Choi πŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ˜…πŸ˜…πŸ˜…πŸ˜…πŸ˜…

Mrs T said...

I don die with laughter oh. This people no go kill person.make I go share am for my Facebook joor.

Tessbaby said...

Hahahahaha becos we dont want to be like them chikina.

Tessbaby said...

Take a chill pill. Dona is not that meanπŸ˜…

Anonymous said...

This is so hilarious..jeez..Naija pple funniest in d world..

D old woman will invoke thunder LMAO!

Anonymous said...

Big nwunye general,y list igbo ukwu for Lil wayne,biko,its J-z- igboukwu

Anonymous said...

*Bia

Mrs T said...

I don't know people you roll with, majority of the peeps I know here are legal. There is no fear or panic but this write up is super funny

Anonymous said...

Do you mean Lizzy?

Bubble gum said...

Ignorant folks nobody is coming and so of y'all opening ur incomplete and discolored dentition to laugh. You'll be sliding into our whatsapp and fb msger begging for money food,rent,and crying abt how laugh is harsh in naija etc

Barr. Oma said...

Very funny
For those that are angry,its just for fun ok,no body want it to be a reality so cool down. I just love my Nigeria people, they have good sense of humor.
I saw one on Facebook "this one am hearing ascent everywhere even in the bus,are they back already"πŸ˜€πŸ˜€πŸ˜€πŸ˜€πŸ˜€

Becky Divine said...

Lmao

Anonymous said...

So FunnyπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

Anonymous said...

U r madder.hahahaha

iam Owen said...

Juss kukuma kill me...gezz dis is funny menh...my namesake owen dat went to d abroad last month never dey off load ur bag oh...cos u fit dey cum back next week....is joke I is oh....Lol

Nmasinachi said...

LMAO. too funny. Truth be told though, it cost too much to deport one person, talk more of the thousands out here. America go go bankrupt be that. Lol. Anything is possible with Trump tho.

Flutter said...

Lmfao... very hilarious

Shantelle's Empire said...

Since you say i'm your grandma,address me in a respectful manner.

You couldn't have just said the poster included Jidenna just for laughs? You had to yarn dust.
Gone are the days i give trolls attention. So? Begone!
Leave this 'grandma',go elsewhere and play with your mates in the sand.

Cisca Chesca said...

Hahahahaha

Shantelle's Empire said...

Lol @ 50cent oshodi.

Fancy Face said...

πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ this so hilarious!

MARSHMALLOWS! said...

True talk! Ignorance is killing my people.

Starjoy said...

πŸ˜‚ πŸ˜‚ hahahahaha

Barr. Oma said...

*accent

Anonymous said...

Not funny

Edo finest said...

Is this supposed to be funny or maybe i have lost my sense of humour..Oh well,i only feel for the illegal immigrant cos me and my family aint go nowhere..

Anonymous said...

i was about to type same thing, fyi mr writter we do not say innit, next time do a research stop displaying your ignorance, i doubt donald trump would deport anyone and even if he decides to, its going to be undocumented people living here(people with no legal rights to leave here). funny but i forgot to laugh

Anonymous said...

Hohoho,so funny especially all seasoning is maggi nd showing of public affection will attract d old woman invoking thunder..well done o

Anonymous said...

Ha ha ha ha ha, ayaf laff tire.

Anonymous said...

@lang...... Did you even scroll to the end before running your mouth. The writer's name name is boldly written but you must be noticed

Fuck you said...

πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

Fuck you said...

U blind...whatsπŸ‘†There

Fuck you said...

Shut up...ewu

Ny babe said...

This is getting ridiculous. Is nigeria any better? By Gods grace i have a dual citizenship and I'm resident in the US. Dont create unecessary fear and tension for Nigerians without papers here. Its unfair.really bad and insensitive. Haba.. Trump's tenure will favor us whether the devil likes it or not. Nigeria isnt better biko

Ny babe said...

I just mavel at people's ignorance. The write up is just bland and uncomical.... i actually forgot to laugh...

Rose Law said...

Because you Wana post a comment at all cost, you refused to read very well. Go back and read and be a good student next time.

Anonymous said...

Chai, Una No Go Keee Person.

charitybino said...

So funny.

crystal said...

Too funny.

my opinion said...

Lol at kissing under the rain

My boyfriend and I back in uni were the definition of PDA

All those local hypocrites wanted to kill us with their thunder eyes n jealousy!

Wouldn't exchange that love for anything! Had sooooo much fun!!!

Bad boys wey sabi knows how to make life amazing...

Pipi Lee said...

Lmaoooo

Anonymous said...

Lmao!@ kanye West ngor okpala

Anonymous said...

πŸ˜‚ nwunye general cracked me up

Chikito The Professional Fire for Fire said...

There are some things I'm certain trump said/did just to get attention. I don't think he will deport anyone and stuff like that. So fear not.

diamond in d house said...

Kwakwakwakwakwakwa, Stella dis 1 weigh me ooooooo. No b small advise ooooo.

Anonymous said...

Lollah, you be illegal immigrant? Na queshon I ask o

Mad king πŸ‘‘πŸ”₯πŸ‘‘ said...

In Nigeria, you're father land we don't say ,"legally leaving here" we say," legally living here" thank me later...

Mad king πŸ‘‘πŸ”₯πŸ‘‘ said...

Your

bitchplis (BentOuttaShape) said...

Some people actually found this dry n silly piece hilarious? vigorously shaking my head

Frost said...

Who told u all, people will be deported. Those were just campaign promises

Ny babe said...

Waa gbayi

Ny babe said...

Stella why are you so selective in posting comments? What are you scared of? Just asking .

Anonymous said...

I can't laugh, it's just so funny

Anonymous said...

Apollo dey worry you that's why you didn't see that she gave the writer credit.

Anonymous said...

And also the Nnewi girls part, what's that

Anonymous said...

Can't you see that his name is down dere

IJAY said...

Lols, Jayz Nnewi, na na na

Snow white said...

Can't stop laughing

Anonymous said...

Look at all the haters. LOL. Nobody is coming back to that hell hole anytime soon or ever.

Anonymous said...

people I know n roll are different to an extent.

Anonymous said...

Trump can't just send people home like that shai,it will take awhile

Ede said...

If he wants to deport, its the llegal residents. Citizens and green card holders cant be deported. Pple need to understand that. Its getting really irritating.

Mama Pikin said...

If USA were Naija,the headlines in today's dailies would have read:

1.Clinton demands recount of votes( Guardian Newspaper)
2.Accept defeat and let's move on Trump urges Clinton ( The Sun newspaper)
3. Shops burnt,Igbos slaughtered in Bauchi following mass protests(Daily Trust )
4.Clinton to Trump - Don't celebrate yet...(Arewa news)
5.Multiple rigging uncovered( punch news)
6.Election results in Bayelsa,Kaduna and Lagos awaited (Nigeria Standard newspaper )
7.Truck driver with tonnes of suspected ballot papers arrested( Channels News)
8. Election free and fair after years of military rule in Nigeria for the first time - international observers (BBC news)
9- Church leaders judge election free and fair(Nigerian Herald newspaper)
10-Igbos blamed for election rigging- many killed,thousands flee the north ( FCT news)
11-Clinton heads to court,I will not accept the polls( AIT)
12- Lavish party in government house following big election victory ( City news)
13-clashes in Ajegunle - Democrats demand re run( AIT news)
15- The true forces behind Trumps victory (Newswatch)

The list is endless!

Naija aaaaaaaaaaaa

Duh said...

My sense of humor must be dead. People rejoicing at people likely being deported is just sheer jealousy/bitterness and nothing else. This write up is a complete balderdash.

Tochi Iheme said...

Lol

Fingertrickz #iMix #iProduce #iMaster #freeBies said...

As in the thunder ehn, no be here o

Mosi Jubelo said...

This broadcast has reached here... Nawa o. Lol

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