Stella Dimoko Korkus.com: A Surrendered Wife -Must Read For ALL Women

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Monday, December 05, 2016

A Surrendered Wife -Must Read For ALL Women

These few words might help those women whose Marriages are in turmoil right now...Please let as Many women as you can reach read this small eye opener...Some of you may come here and rubbish what you read but the choice is yours...
Be a Surrendered woman!



Californian Kathy Murray says she saved her marriage by giving up trying to control her husband. Despite considering herself a feminist, she follows - and now teaches others - the approach of a controversial book called The Surrendered Wife, which tells women to stop nagging their partners and start treating them with more respect.

The first time I married I was divorced by 26. I married for the second time at 32 but soon found myself sleeping in the guest room. My husband and I fought all the time.

Much of our fighting stemmed from the fact I thought my husband was clueless when it came to raising the children (we had four children between us aged from four to nine years old). We also quarrelled about how to manage our finances, and how often we made love.



I was working full-time as chief finance officer for a private school and also volunteered at my kids' school and in my community. My husband was a sales rep for a construction company but I was the breadwinner and acted like I was in charge.

I didn't tell anyone I was in constant conflict with my husband. I was embarrassed, angry and resentful.


My husband often resorted to watching TV and snuggling with our pets as I'd rage at him over ignoring my needs. I mean all men want sex right? Not my husband. He wanted nothing to do with me. It was awful.


The more I told my husband how he should be, the less he'd try. I couldn't figure it out so I dragged him to marriage counselling. But that only made things worse, so we sent our children to counselling since they too bore the brunt of so much of our conflict. That didn't work either.

So I went to counselling by myself and complained about my husband for more than a year. Spending thousands of dollars, only to find myself nearer divorce than when I started.

I'd cry, fight, yell and pout, thinking he would eventually come around, but he didn't. I lost weight, went to the gym and started getting attention from men which was tempting to act on, but I knew I couldn't do that, so I'd play the victim card and sulk. That didn't work either.


I was about to end my marriage when I picked up a book called The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle. I mean, they don't teach us how to be successful in marriage in school and the women in my life didn't share the secrets either.

It was incredibly humbling to recognise that I had something to do with why my marriage was failing and perhaps even why my first marriage failed. But it was also empowering.

I didn't know I'd been disrespectful to my husband or even that I'd been controlling and critical.

I thought I was being helpful and logical. I just didn't know that respect for men is like oxygen, so no wonder my husband was no longer interested in me sexually.

I'll never forget the day I first apologised to my husband for being rude for correcting him in front of the children, or the day I said "whatever you think" when I'd previously been extremely opinionated about what he should do


I had trained my husband to ask my permission for everything. And then complained about it for a year in counselling that he couldn't make simple decisions!

I relinquished control of my husband's life, choices and decisions and instead I focused on my own happiness. I was no longer acting like his mother and started acting like his lover.

We were fighting less and less and my husband started reaching out to hold my hand or pull me in for a kiss.

I had no idea that I was responsible for my own happiness. I thought my husband should make me happy.

I've now found subtle ways of getting my husband in the mood for sex, which is far more effective than the days of begging, crying or yelling about wanting it. Even if I'm not in the mood and he is, I often find myself getting in the mood just by being open to receiving pleasure.

My kids began to notice the change in our relationship too, and as a result, their behaviour improved and our home became peaceful and fun again.

Women often ask me if my approach is about dumbing myself down or becoming a submissive wife. I tell them I am a feminist. Surrendering is acknowledging you can't change or control anyone but yourself. That's empowering!

The six principles of being a 'Surrendered Wife' 

-Relinquishes inappropriate control of her husband 
-Respects her husband's thinking 
-Receives his gifts graciously and expresses gratitude for him 
-Expresses what she wants without trying to control him 
-Relies on him to handle household finances 
Focuses on her own self-care and fulfilment 
Source: Laura Doyle, author of The Surrendered Wife
From BBC



*If you have or buy this book,please share.....this will make a perfect Christmas present for mum,sister and friends.this is NOT AN ADVERT.



83 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Abeg who get soft copy to share?

      Delete
    2. GOOD WIFE OR NOT. ....IM DONE WITH MY HUSBAND AND HIS SO CALLED MARRIAGE. THIS IS IT FOR ME. I AND GONNA LEAVE UNDER SAME ROOF WITH HIM COME 2017. WE ARE DONE!!!!!! IF I KEEP DOING THIS I WONT MAKE HEAVEN. ...PLS I WANT TO MAKE HEAVEN. A MARRIAGE WHERE UR HUSBAND CONSTANTLY SEX CHATS EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING. CALLS ME A WITCH AND A PROSTITUTE.MADE ME FEEL LESS OF A WOMAN ABEGGGGGGGGG MARRIAGE IS ONE TOOL THE DEVIL IS USING TO DRAG SOULS TO HELL. I JUST BROKE AWAY FROM THAT SHACKLE LET ME CONCENTRATE AND RAISE MY BOY AND GIRL AND GIVE HIM ENUF SPACE TO CHEATTTT. MR A. IM NO LONGER UNDER YOUR ROOF. ..U CAN NO LONGER CAGE ME INTO BELIEVING IM WORTHLESS! ENUF OF 50 WAYS TO MAKING KEEPING YOUR HUSBAND. IM ABOVE THAT LIFE. ....IM ALL ABOUT READING 100 WAYS TO SUCCEEDING IN LIFE. ....50 WAYS TO LOOK BEAUTIFUL. ....1000 WAYS TO MAKING MONEY. ...5000 WAYS TO RAISING GODLY KIDS. IM NO LONGER ASHAMED. ...I'M NO LONGER SCARED. ....I'M NO LONGER LIVING UNDER THE BONDAGE CALLED 'WIFE' .THANK YOU JESUS FROM SETTING ME FREE. IT'S BEEN 3MONTHS SINCE OUR SEPARATION. .....NO SINGLE FRESH WOUND FROM MY VOILENT EX HUSBAND. LOOK HOW I GLOWWWWWWW. TAHHH

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    3. 'The Scarlet Thread' by Francine Rivers is a must read.

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    4. Hmmmm

      The submissive she's referring to is NOT what an ordinary naija man wants o!

      Submissiveness in Nigeria equals slavery:

      1) I slap you laff
      2) I cheat, look away and laff
      3) I collect your salary, be grateful and laff on
      4) I come home late drunk to stupor, keep on laffing
      5) I buy the latest car instead of paying kiddies school fees, keep laffing
      6) I bring friends over without informing you and demand you stand and cook for 15 immediately, what did I marry u for? Keep laffing
      7) I ask you for sex 20 times in a day, open legs and don't complain of soreness or tiredness. After it; laff on

      etc etc etc

      Submissive she's refering to is respecting a man and not turning yourself to his mama aka controlling him, finish! Funny enough the average naija woman already does this so what else???

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    5. Abi o. The average naija woman already do these, and still nothing!

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    6. Rubbish!!! Everytime it is all about men men men! Nonsense. Are they objects/articles that you can keep? My uncle destroyed his wife of 23 years who submitted to him even accepting ANAL sex from him. Yet he heaped a mountain of lies on her and drove her away. My own husband is an abuser, i mean chronic abuser. Whatever you do for or to him he remains same. His sister had once called him a SWINE (Pig) that will forever swine in dirty water. There is no level of submission that will help him be good.

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    7. I believe there's no manual for marriage! It takes the grace of God! Period. A lot of women die in marriage all because of submission and respect! This book only apply to woman outside Nigeria, where laws recognize women!

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  2. Very lazy to read now, will read it later




    *Larry was here*

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  3. Until i see surrendered husband, i will buy.

    Everyday only woman to do this, do that, dont do this, dont do that.

    Na only woman dey marry for this world, what about men?

    Anyway goodluck to buyers.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know it is Igbo girls that will take offense. Very rude and disrespectful group of people. Always dragging power with their husbands. With their funny looking shoulders and beards. Before you start insulting other innocent tribes, I am an Igbo man 100%.

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    2. As in eehh I tire my sister. Everyone woman this or that.mtchww.

      #i remain the feminist!

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    3. The word of God says women should surrender to their hubby while men are to love unconditional in return! The Muslims preach the same and so does our culture. This book is from a westerner and that goes to show their custom believes this as well, it's only their laws that gives both man, woman and children equal right!! Until we learn to accept the things we can't change, the marriage Institute will continue to struggle.

      MrsBee

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    4. @Mrs Bee, you put the cart before the horse. Please don't twist the bible to make a point. Men are to love their wives, and women to submit to their husbands. That's the way it should be. A woman is to return the love naturally. If she doesn't, then the man has no business with that woman in the first place. Hence the reason Ubi and Lilian marriage didn't work.

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    5. Gi Coco my bad for using 'in return'!! Regardless of which comes first, a woman should know her place to surrender/respect to her husband. If he's undeserving of that then he's not good enough for you. Shikena!! How can a woman be with a man who is not willing to love her or be happy with her? She will end up bitter and unwilling to respect such a man.

      MrsBee

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  4. Exactly what men want... someone you worship them and never have a say of her own! Mshewww
    The book will surely be interesting to read but we all know that oyinbo men and Nigerian men do not have the same mindset!

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  5. Please, how can I buy the book, or download an Electronic version of it
    Lately, I found out that the ideology of feminism is bullshit. Mind you, I am a literature graduate, so I know what I am saying.
    Feminism is just a literary ideology.
    I feel for women that are so into it
    Trust me when I say that people that Chimamanda Adichie that propagate it are not really feminists in their homes
    They just use it as a front
    So as an Nwa Ada Igbo that I am, I have decided to be a submissive wife when I get married
    It starts from now, so I am working towards it
    Please someone should bless me with a copy of it, or tell me how to buy it

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    Replies
    1. Sensible girl. Pls don't let anybody dissuade you from this thought of yours. I assure you you'll have a happy home. Good luck dear

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    2. Well said @Pen.

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    3. God bless you my darling. I wish women will have this your understanding. Are you in a relationship? My BIL is seriously searching.

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    4. Feminism has worked well for me and my very closeknit friends, so if it hasn't worked for you, don't sweat it. You being a literature graduate doesn't make you a lexicomane so take a chill pill.

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    5. Nobi's mum, not to sound desperate but I'm a young lady who rarely goes out. I'm open to meeting people via introductions. I don't mind getting to know your BIL through you. Who knows. ...😊

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  6. Someone should sow a seed in life or play santa with this mbok, anyway stellasco how much and where can we get it!

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  7. Stella i want oo!pls sone should play santa or sow a seed with it in my life,meanwhile how much is yt stella and where can we get it!

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  8. This was a nice ideal and a good advice to the young women and mothers out there.

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  9. SIMILAR TO THE POWER OF A PRAYING WIFE.......NICE BOOK I MUST CONFESS! WILL TRY AND ADD THIS TO MY LIBRARY ALSO....THANKS BBC!

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  10. *hondastanding*

    *hondastanding*

    *hondastanding*

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  11. If you like surrender,submit, beg ,cry. A bad man can Neva appreciate all this. A demon is a demon

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    Replies
    1. Just like the idiot abroad husband I just left, he is a demon, I gave him my all,frm praying to feeding him b/w am a great cook,from being respectful to never denying him sex, yet he will come to africa and get back to his baby mama in. "The abroad how he sleeps with me" he will tell a complete illitrate all that. Even u allow men work over u, some of them will still sleep with ur siblings,like my friend's hubby, but now she done nack am pigeon for head ooh and mumu na him e dey do, no work,the woman feeds him... But I just can do that, cos my kids r all boys...I prefer suffering any ill treatment frm him to nacking pigeon oh...

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    2. I dey tell u, nack pigeon,mk person no turn liability gv me, gt my kids to gv d best,i rada take a walk

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    3. I dey tell u, nack pigeon,mk person no turn liability gv me, gt my kids to gv d best,i rada take a walk

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    4. Am also waiting for a book title how to serenade your wife,complimenting her and men stop cheating book.when men in Nigeria realises that it takes two to build a happy home not the woman alone.wen a woman is submissive and all the tins that a gud woman does what else must she do o mbok?cut off her head?so that the man will be happy abi.until a husband loveshis wife like christ loves the church,submission n respect can't be complete

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  12. in general, I would say humility

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  13. Every time Submissive, I give up
    Lord help me to be submissive but if he take advantage of me ,me thunder fire somebody.

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    Replies
    1. Most men take advantage of that.

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  14. Cool,a submissive wife influences her husband but a nagging and power-thirst wife,drives her husband away from her. God wasn't stupid when he said we should be submissive to our husbands.

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    Replies
    1. Forgt dt tin dear,it takes d grace of God!some women r virtous yet thier wandering dick hubbys still misbehave.modt men take advantage of thier wife's submission,so dear!na0 only God

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  15. Hahahaha@ pretty dimple!

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  16. Tayan Taylor, you're as Stupid AF. I've been seeing your nonsense comments. Idiot she goat

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  17. Nice one. I am a better woman now!!
    I love u Jesus!!!

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  18. This book is not meant for Nigerian men sha...Igbo men in particular!

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  19. Nigerian Women are already submissive to their husbands... requesting more from them will turn them into dummies. This book doesn't apply here.

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  20. This book is for oyibo. We are already surrendered here. Our men are control freaks.

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  21. Even d bible said submit to ur husband not 'horseband'

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  22. I don't think this is going to work for Nigeria marriages. When she says she is a surrendered wife she doesn't mean that she has surrendered her entire being to her hubby. It means she let's him be him and doesn't worry about it. She just focuses on making herself happy.

    I think this can only work if you are financially independent

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  23. I need it for my mom cos I hate how she nags and disrespect my dad...her replies,not bin polite wit her comments...infact i wish I have the courage one day to talk to her cos am not happy wit my family nd am d only child.

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  24. A woman has to marry right to start with!! You can't marry a man without the understanding of love or a home or a man not willing to be happy and expect this ideas to work!! If you have a fair man with little lapses here and there, surrendering to be happy regardless, show him love, treat him with respect and occasionally tell him how you wish he changes few things is enough. This is going to be a good book!!

    MrsBee

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    Replies
    1. God Bless you MrsBEE!. MARRY SOMEONE WHO IS WANTING TO WORK WITH YOU, SENSIBLE AND HAVE THE SAME IDEOLOGIES AS YOU.. NOT A BABY!

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    2. I love you for this.

      Delete
  25. stellolo please hand me one too,biko

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  26. I especially like the part where she says the only person you can control is yourself. Issues in marriage stem up when a woman or man wants to control their spouse which results always leads to catastrophic and angry reactions.
    You owe yourself love and happiness, and not look to another human to give you that. Understanding this makes you whole, calm and content thereby making you a magnet to people which inturn yields happy, peaceful relationships.
    In all may God grant us wisdom.

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  27. @my opinion u no well . Lmaoooooo

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  28. well, that's for women who wants to dominate their husband

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  29. Hmm d kind of things women go through in the hands of men is much,if not for God it would hv been in my house"clash of d titans"but for d sake of peace i let go.it takes grace of God to surrender bcos it's not out of weakness bt just to maintain that relationship with God.
    May God help us all

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  30. It is a nice piece,but it takes two to tango.God says man love ur wife as Christ loved the church,then woman submit to ur husband as unto the Lord.some Men like to see women as if they are things because they lack knowledge of what God has ordained marriage to be.if both man and woman follow God's principle there will be no problem.

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  31. When some women jump into marriages like divers in an Olympic swimming pool, how would submitting to their husbands help.
    It's true that some men can be idiots and still cheat on you despite how well you treat them and submit to them. But that doesn't change the fact that women must be submissive to their husbands. God wasn't stupid when he said that.
    Doing otherwise results in a failed marriage with or without divorce.

    Some women after being used or maltreated severally due to submissiveness think that men aren't worth it. And eventually they fail to submit to even "Mr Right and compatible", the marriage would eventually crash, and they'll be the first to rant and point fingers and justify themselves with the bad traits of the previous men they've been with.

    SMH to them!
    That's one reason am not a fan of Chimamanda despite her achievements in writing.
    Promoting a useless notion called feminism. Deceiving women with convincing arguments. But still it's morally wrong. I hope she's actually submissive and doesn't apply all her rules of feminism in her marriage. Because it would mean she's only suffering and deceiving us, as such attitude can't make a marriage last in peace.

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  32. I totally agree with the woman who became surrendered. We mustn't allow the misdeeds of several men on their submissive wives deter us from being submissive. It's God's unchangeable rule and no man can leave peacefully with an unsubmissive wive.
    Feminism is a stupid hoax that would ruin marriages and send women to hell while they keep supporting it.
    People just make rules and create ideologies with convincing arguments that would create obscure confusion and lead souls to hell while they think they're happy and justified.

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  33. Stella release my anonymous comments na. If you don't agree with it, it doesn't change the fact that it's the truth.

    Though you've already released one though, lol

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  34. To the Anon above, if you are a woman, I pity your ignorance.
    Feminism is achieved so much for us women but the three most important milestones are
    1. The franchise of women, or enabling women to vote
    2. The penetration of women into the workforce, or women being given white collar jobs
    3. Birth control and family planning
    We are working on equal pay rights. That's happening soon. So if you think feminism is a hoax and you're a woman please
    1. Stop voting, because feminists died so you could vote
    2. Stop taking birth control and have 7 kids because we FEMINISTS fought so you could control your body
    3.Stop working. Because you biblical, feminist hating Christians believe a woman's place is in the home.
    It doesn't matter what you say; if you're a man or woman and you believe women can
    1. Vote
    2. Work
    3. Take Birth Control,
    YOU ARE A FEMINIST!! PLAIN AND SIMPLE
    Because these are things feminism has given us!

    ReplyDelete
  35. To the Anon above, if you are a woman, I pity your ignorance.
    Feminism has achieved so much for us women but the three most important milestones are
    1. The franchise of women, or enabling women to vote
    2. The penetration of women into the workforce, or women being given white collar jobs
    3. Birth control and family planning
    We are working on equal pay rights. That's happening soon. So if you think feminism is a hoax and you're a woman please
    1. Stop voting, because feminists died so you could vote
    2. Stop taking birth control and have 7 kids because we FEMINISTS fought so you could control your body
    3.Stop working. Because you biblical, feminist hating Christians believe a woman's place is in the home.
    It doesn't matter what you say; if you're a man or woman and you believe women can
    1. Vote
    2. Work
    3. Take Birth Control,
    YOU ARE A FEMINIST!! PLAIN AND SIMPLE
    Because these are things feminism has given us!

    ReplyDelete
  36. To the Anon above, if you are a woman, I pity your ignorance.
    Feminism has achieved so much for us women but the three most important milestones are
    1. The franchise of women, or enabling women to vote
    2. The penetration of women into the workforce, or women being given white collar jobs
    3. Birth control and family planning
    We are working on equal pay rights. That's happening soon. So if you think feminism is a hoax and you're a woman please
    1. Stop voting, because feminists died so you could vote
    2. Stop taking birth control and have 7 kids because we FEMINISTS fought so you could control your body
    3.Stop working. Because you biblical, feminist hating Christians believe a woman's place is in the home.
    It doesn't matter what you say; if you're a man or woman and you believe women can
    1. Vote
    2. Work
    3. Take Birth Control,
    YOU ARE A FEMINIST!! PLAIN AND SIMPLE
    Because these are things feminism has given us!

    ReplyDelete
  37. No be small swine in dirty water lmaoooo. Chai .was discussing tonite and I told someone the day a persons death comes being married will not drive the angel of death away neither will being married take u to heaven !!! If una wan die untop marriage na una sabi.

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  38. If she meets just one urhobo man,she wil def knw dat submission means trap, dey wil control ur entire life n make sure u do not av any say. Marriage sha,i guess it's jst overrated,dose in it wnt 2pull out,dose outside wnt 2enter, God help us all cos marriage wil def take many to hell.

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  39. Stella thanks so much for this. This is why I love your blog. Some other blogs have obsession for promoting egg plants pics, homosexuality and all the rubbish that wont add value to readers and our society. Thanks again.

    ReplyDelete
  40. Stella thanks so much for this. This is why I love your blog. Some other blogs have obsession for promoting egg plants pics, homosexuality and all the rubbish that wont add value to readers and our society. Thanks again.

    ReplyDelete
  41. Why always a piece on how a woman should act! Whatever happened to both parties putting a 100% to make the marriage work. No I don't mean 50-50. I mean giving it a 100% both ways. It should mot hust be about the woman hey...

    ReplyDelete
  42. <>This is actually an easier route for us ladies and probably the best but these are the things that make it difficult for most ladies apart from the obvious reason that’s that approach did not work for our mothers as most of them are living in regret now for being so submissive.

    1. Haven giving the man complete control over the direction of your life, will he also love u and only u? will he remain faithful to you? What is the guarantee that he will not betray you? What’s the guarantee that he won’t enslave you? we have all learnt for the older generation. yes they are still in their marriages but are they free? are they happy?

    2. This generation of women are highly educated, we can think and we grew up in a world where women were allowed to speak and express themselves (unlike our mothers) so its not so easy to become a mute just because u walked down the aisle. we express our selves in the office, get into arguments with collegues, we express ourselves in church, in school and every other social gathering. It won’t be so easy to just switch off once we walk through the doors of our homes… it means we are not allowed to be ourselves at home. Do u feel that girls would be truly happy at home? When she cannot freely express herself?

    3. Men are the biggest advocates of the philosophy that a girl should not expect a man to change just because he has married her. Well isn’t it the exact opposite that most men and this Stella’s article is actually saying? You meet a girl, she is expressive, active in discussions and decision making in her life and the work place, speaks her mind, thinks through things like everyone who went to school hence questions things that’s are not clear or logical to her ….and you date her, then you marry her, and then all of a sudden u want her to become opinionless in the home? You want her to not seek clarification from you actions or decisions that don’t seem clear or correct to her, she should not exercise her brain cells by taking part in healthy arguments, she is not supposed to have input in things that affect her and her family. Honestly Do u think that’s will be possible?

    4. She goes to work like u do, and spends her income on the home like you do. She takes care of herself for the most part. Buys her own clothes, pays for her hair, buys her cosmetics, fuels her car and also contributes to the home. Do u think it would be easy to then not have an influence or opinion of what direction her life will take?

    ReplyDelete
  43. <> 5. Before she met u and got married, she was probably working, had gone through secondary school, university and in some cases masters… she had dreams, aspirations, standards she had set for herself and a vision of what her life would be like. Do u think it would be easy for her to just hand u the wheels of her life and not ask valid questions from time to time and make her own suggestion on the direction that car is going?

    6. Now I am not saying that women shouldn’t be submissive but the level men of these days require may not be attainable without damaging her or enslaving her.

    7. The men want to eat their cake and have it … but it will be hard. Every little thing bruises their ego. They don’t have to say it we see it in their eyes. Women by our nature tend to know a little more, do u know why? Because we are humble so we can put our heads down listen, read, learn, watch (its even evident in the classrooms of our children, it doesn't necessarily mean we have higher IQs we are just more humble. on the other hand, Men feel they know everything so even when they have the opportunity to learn something new, even from their fellow men, their ego won’t let them. That’s why a man that even married a naïve wife, after some years gets intimidated by her wisdom and insight in a lot of things. Instead of using this asset to his advantage he gets threatened. But if u praise her and acknowledge her and love her for adding value to your life she will worship him.

    Imagine If for example she comes up with a better plan to make the family more money he praises her and tells her she is his best asset and makes mad love to her that night. How do u think she will react? Will she continue to be his ride or die chick, will she run to him like a little girl the next time she thinks she has a bright idea.

    Now imagine that instead he tells her that she doesn’t know what she is saying and shuts her down (just to protect his ego) even though hos idea has obvious loop holes… what do u breed? RESENTMENT.

    8. A strong man should see all these things and use it to his advantage, he can correct her when she crosses the line, but not stifle her,

    NOW THIS DOESNT MEAN THAT THERE ARE NOT SOME BAD WOMEN WHO WONT TRY TO CONTROL AND DISRESPECT THEIR MEN BUT I THINK I SPEAK FOR THE AVERAGE NORMAL GIRL….>

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  44. @ "just saying" .............You just said it.

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  45. God bless you Just Saying for your comment. You just expressed my thoughts. You are a wise woman.

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  46. Present twice.. .
    I want a submissive wife.

    ReplyDelete

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