Stella Dimoko Korkus.com: Labour Room Drama 210

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Monday, 29 January 2018

Labour Room Drama 210

This is as recounted from a man's perspective and it is too hilarious!...LOL





Hi Stella,


This is my pirated version of your popular ‘Labour Room Drama’ series. I call it pirated because my version is an extremely cheap knock-off version of my wife’s story and to compare my story with hers; the absurdity of that can be easily likened to the heat from the fire on a match stick comparing itself to that of the sun. For lack of a better word for describing something both beautiful and scary, I would call it the night of TERRIBLE BEAUTY.


Let me give you some background information. You see eh! I am haemophobic, and this is not in the ‘ha-ha! He is trying to be white kind of way’; It is the ‘dread the sight of blood, will completely pass out if I smell it for too long’ kind of shit. Yah! The whole nine yards. Truly sucks!

A few years ago, I went to visit a friend who had been shot by the not so gentlemen of the night and on entering his room, just 10 minutes into the usual “So sorry bro, the devil is a joker dialogue,” the devil started joking with me. I started breathing fast and I had to take the bed next to him. At this point, some very naughty and mischievous voice in my head just told me, “you better leave this place before you become his roommate for real”. It was so embarrassing.

When my wife got pregnant, she never missed a chance to spell it out in very clear words that I will follow her into the labour room. I am pretty sure she was always careful not to say hospital when she meant labour room. She will usually not fail to remind me of how we did ‘the do’ together, and how it is a joint responsibility till the very end. In-fact, it was one of the things we considered before picking a hospital for her delivery. Yes! My baby is that kind of woman, and if she is reading this, I want to tell her in Bruno Mars’ voice “Girl you are amazing, just the way you are”.


Our friend Joan did not help matters. You see eh! Joan is a professional baker, and the day I asked her to bake simple cake for me, the babe just went psycho on me: Do you wantBanana Cake with Cream Cheese Frosting or Coffee Cake with Kahlua Chocolate Ganache? It felt like my first day in French class. Joan is that detailed, so you can imagine what it will feel like when someone like her takes out her time to explain why a man should not be allowed into the labour room. Hmm! Go in peace the Mass is ended. No thanks to Joan.



So Stella, shey you know how people work-out and gym to get their body in good shape? Well! I did that to my mind. I kept reading some mind-tasking online and offline articles on men experiencing the labour room process for the first time and I must say, some were extremely graphic, while some were very cryptic, as though the writer was trying to spare us from a traumatic experience. Some were very helpful and some were not so helpful. In truth, some were written by angels as a guide to help men like me who were shit scared and didn’t have a choice, while some were written by demons looking to scare their uncle. I just tried to stay positive sha.


Soon enough, the D-day came and I called my old man and asked to borrow his wife. He laughed really hard because he understood why and I don’t need to tell you that the call lasted over 20 minutes, filled with advice and many lines of how I should be a man (like my genitals were not enough to prove it). Me I just needed the woman to be there jor; she was far too experienced and all these scary tales by moon-light ‘labour room drama’ we read here didn’t help matters, I just needed a backup plan and she was my best bet. I know some haters will be calling me mummy’s boy now. Well! That one concern una o. I don’t even have Panadol to drink on this matter.

It was exactly 10:05 when our own drama started. Luckily, we had everything packed and labelled ‘Baby’. I rushed to the bag, while my wife and mum went straight for the car. I drove to the hospital with a skill that only James Bond can understand and in no time, we were with the doctors. The doctor checked her, and said something like she was four meters or four centimeters dilated, I just don’t remember, because all I could think of was “who is this idiot touching my wife with this level of alacrity?” The dude was enjoying it too much and Iyawo just smiled at me as though she could see through my pettiness. (Abeg o! Who knows any hospital that has only female doctors?)

Soon, she was invited to the labour room and as planned, I stood up to join her. One of the nurses politely informed me that I was not allowed to join her. I went on explaining how we were assured that I could when we came to register for antenatal at the hospital. I was wearing that look of disappointment all through the conversation. I never knew I was that good of an actor, I must have been because my wife started giving me this pity speech like I was just refused VISA to America and she and the baby were given. LOL. Ok, jokes apart, I really wanted to be there, even though I had that part of me that was scared. I didn’t want to go and faint there and they will now leave her emergency and focus on mine. That will be like stealing the spot-light from her and it is just not fair (tongue out), it is supposed to be her moment naa. She went off and I thought it would be easier to wait.

Note to future self: Waiting is definitely not easier.

A while later, my phone rang, and behold, it was my wife. She was like “baby I forgot the coconut oil and the JIK at home, could you please go and get it.” I was more curious to understand how this woman was still sounding ok. She even told me to get drinks from the fridge and ended the call with ‘I love you.’ Haa! This woman is badass o! She doesn’t sound anything like the stories I read. This one pass Hebrew women o.

Little did I know that in her own case, the blues was playing before the raggae. At about1am, shortly after I came back from the house, Nna mehn! Egwu e changie (the music changed) just like that. I started hearing a very different ringtone. It started sounding more like a Nigerian woman giving birth. Ewoo! Kai! This thing is painful o. Chi muo! All the ‘tushness’ just disappeared.

I grew up reading comics and books from very descriptive writers like J.K Rowling, so my imaginative capacity is off the charts, and I believe you can understand when I say every scream from the labour room seemed a thousand times louder in my head.

One other man whose wife was also in labour, just laid comfortably on one of the chairs and probably cruised away into dream land. I envied him. How does one do that? This dude is superhuman I thought, because the most comfortable I ever got was when I sat on the edge of the chair.

I prayed all the decades of the Rosary and asked all the Saints I could remember to intercede. With each scream, some kind of electric vibe passed through my body, and I could certainly sense that my heart was not beating right. I mean, normal heart should sound like ‘bum bum’, but mine was sounding like the sound track to the Terry G’s Ginger song. It was not a funny something o.

I heard my wife cursing and praying at the same time, followed by some gibberish words of how she would never do it again. One minute, she will shout “I can’t do this anymore” and the next minute, she is saying “I can do this”. Sometimes it is “don’t touch me” and just moments later, I am hearing “touch me”, I have never seen anything like this before.

Just at precisely 4:42am on Monday 24th July 2017, I heard another cry, and for the first time that night, crying was a good thing. Who knew that crying could bring such indescribable smile to my face.

A few minutes later, a nurse came out to meet me, and she asked, “Are you Mr Okafor?” I said yes, and she said those beautiful words that still makes me smile even as I am typing this; “Congratulations sir! Your girls (mother and daughter) are okay. You will be allowed to see them soon.” Who remembers liu kang’s uppercut in mortal kombat? That was me. I have known for a while now that colours have different shades, but that fateful day, I also learnt that happiness has different shades too, because what I felt was a different kind of happy.

I don’t even want to start explaining how happy I was when I finally held her in my arms. Any first time parent reading this will definitely relate.

My Nma turned six months just three days ago, and she is the most beautiful, smart and energetic baby I know. She is just a delight, and I have attached a picture to show you what she looked like then and now.

I will sign out by praying for all the couples looking unto God for a baby. This year, God will hear your cry like she heard Hannah’s cry and blessed her with Samuel. This I pray in Jesus name. Amen.





Awwwww,i just fell in love!..Look at this baby!!!







Martins you are tooo funny...I love your Narrative so much....God bless your home ...Madam well done oh...you try!!!..Kisses!

50 comments:

  1. Well, it's the end result that takes away the painsπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This guy wee nor kee pesin. Nice writeup, beautiful couple. God bless you guys

      Delete
    2. Beautiful daughter you got there. Why is your wife's tummy still big after six months? Tell her to work on her tummy. Young tush mum like her going around with big tummy is not ok.

      Delete
    3. Shut up and stop body shaming

      Delete
    4. No, you shut the hell up @ 15:38
      The truth is always bitter. Are you the wife? Go work on your tummy.

      Delete
    5. Oh my goodness.
      Your write so well.
      What a welcome relief from the forced engrishes one reads everyday.
      Your baby is beautiful.
      Keep on being a good daddy, okay?.
      God bless your wife too.
      Y'all are too beautiful

      Delete
    6. My own tummy is still big 2 yrs after and I love my body like that. My own motherhood badge.

      Delete
    7. Stupid anon 15:05. Jealous fool, I know u are ugly. Go born your own, let's see how you'd be. Anu ofia

      Delete
    8. What if the picture was taken when she was still pregnant?? Dis body shaming wen una dey do nor good ooh hian

      Delete
    9. Shut up anon - you are so stupid. Leave the poor woman alone, you miserable git

      Delete
  2. Beautiful. Beautiful Nma. Beautiful couple.

    My friend told me how her father fainted when they asked him to come to the theatre room to hold the her mother.

    They asked for blood, his HBP rose up very well that they even had to pursue him out.

    Hahahaha the father said i will never look down on my wife anymore.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Interesting read. Looool
      God bless ya and fam.

      Delete
  3. Beautiful baby, beautiful couple. God will continue to bless your home




    *Larry was here*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for showing us ur baby pix. Not all those for ur eyes only Stella..As if we want thief the baby..lol.She is really really sweet. God bless ur family bro

      Delete
  4. God bless baby Nma, dad and mom.
    You are a great writer sir; very captivating to your audience.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Lol....very funny narrative. You write so well and u have a very beautiful family. May God continue to bless you guys.

    PS: LRD is now officially open for guys to send in their story. I hope this post will encourage guys to join in.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Lol na wa! You are good. God bless and keep your family.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Nice one Man...It's not easy. Egwu e changie got me in hitches πŸ˜‚

    Uncle Martins oh, you said Your friend Joan is a "radio"....you na "CNN" oh 🀷

    You wrote like you majored in English and languages.

    Your girls are cute.

    Oh my ovaries @the little one. So adorable 😍😍😍

    ReplyDelete
  8. Awww I remember this couple. Nma is really "Nma". You have a beautiful family. God keep you all.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Wow,interesting narrative....u have a beautiful family.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Lol. I really laughed reading this. God bless your home.

    ReplyDelete
  11. This poster is so funny and your baby is lovely. I want.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Wow! This is Beautiful

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  13. Beautiful baby!!!May God bless your home

    ReplyDelete
  14. Omg omg..i love love this story..i was just smiling like mumu althrough😁😁😁😁😁😁God bless your lil girl and God bless your home.
    Beautiful familyπŸ’‹πŸ’‹πŸ’‹πŸ’‹πŸ’‹

    ReplyDelete
  15. Awww..she so fiiine like divine

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  16. Most interesting labour room drama
    Amen! Amen! Amen to your prayers

    See cute pumpkin, beautiful parents
    May your joy never cease 😘😘😘😘😘

    ReplyDelete
  17. Loving them. Nma baby is so Nma. Thank God for safe delivery and life. More blessings. Nice write up.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Thank God we get to see this baby... unlike others who tag their pics " for your eyes only". Una see testimony so?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Shut up seun
      Not everyone likes exposing their family on the Internet. It's a matter of choices. When you have yours, bring your family pics here, your life, your family, your choice.

      Delete
  19. Beautiful narrative .... Awesome family

    ReplyDelete
  20. Awww beautiful baby, beautiful couple. And a big AMEN to your prayers. 😒😒😒

    ReplyDelete
  21. Awwww. I want baby too😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍

    ReplyDelete
  22. LolsπŸ˜‚..this is so funny..
    Cute family.. Love ur baby

    ReplyDelete
  23. Wow.....I love this. You have a lovely family

    ReplyDelete
  24. You are a wonderful husband. God bless your home.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Very beautiful family. May God continue to bless and keep you all in love.

      Delete
  25. Awww! S sweet story, cute couple ,lovely baby.
    The closest I have been to a labour room was in 2013 accompanying my heavily pregnant sweet sis run up & down the stairs o the hospital garden while awaiting labour.Lol, when the main thing was about o start I quickly left cos I was scared to be there.
    I also have phobia for human blood,it makes me throw up & feel dizzy like I am about to pass out. But I don't mind chicken blood.haha

    ReplyDelete
  26. Such a pleasant read,a pretty baby and lovely parents,more blessings to your family bY Godsgrace

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  27. DAT baby is too cute..Oga I enjoyed ur writeup lol and Amen to ur prayers.

    ReplyDelete
  28. This lrd just made my day. Very funny and interesting write up. The baby is cute. Lovely couple.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Awww Lovely write up. So captivating. And your baby is so cute. I read with my teeth wide open. God bless and keep your family

    ReplyDelete
  30. Awwwwwwww!
    You won't looove this family????
    ?Dad-✔️
    Mom-✔️
    Nma-✔️✔️
    Captivating and hilarious πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ€£πŸ€£πŸ€£πŸ€£
    Boy you are good πŸ˜‚

    ReplyDelete
  31. Awwwwww
    Your baby is soo cute.

    Beautiful family.

    ReplyDelete
  32. Very engaging write up, Beautiful family.

    ReplyDelete
  33. This is by far the best LRD I have read, I laughed altru the read. And your baby is so cute. Chai

    ReplyDelete

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