Stella Dimoko Korkus.com: Chronicle Of Blog Visitor Narrative...

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Friday, April 13, 2018

Chronicle Of Blog Visitor Narrative...

This is a long Chronicle from a non Nigerian who is Yoruba..Please read to the end and say your bit...Na wah oh!







STAND ALONE NARRATIVE

MONEY CANT BUY YOU LOVE OR HAPPINESS


Hello Stella,

First let me thank you for the platform that you offer us to not only get educated, but also to bring awareness on certain situations, to laugh, and also to share our problems. Your blog is part of my daily routine. If I don’t read it, I always feel like I am missing on something. For over 6 years that I have been reading your blog, my turn has finally come to share my chronicle ( which I never thought I would but life happens…).

I would like to apologize in advance for the length of the post and the probable mistakes I will make in my writing; I am not Nigerian, and English is not my first language, but I am Yoruba. My story is very long and I am tired of carrying the weight of it, I am at this point in life where I just need a little happiness to have hope… Anyway, let's start.

I am a 25 years old lady schooling in the US. I am the last of a family of 5 ( 2 bro followed by 2 sis) with my eldest brother being 42. Both my brothers are not married but the second had a little girl with his ex girlfriend. Both my sisters have kids with the eldest of the two being divorce from the father of her children. Our parents have been officially separated for 10 years but even when they were together, it wasn’t rosy: a dad that was never there or rarely talks to his kids and a mom who was successful financially but was pushing the stress of not having a husband emotionally present on her kids. We were raised in luxury but deep down (at least for me) it was sad. Forget about extended family, we didn’t have. Somehow, my mom has mostly been fighting her sibling and very few of my dad people ever set the foot in our house.


My family has been having issues for years now. I can’t start the story because I won’t finish writing it even in 10years. To try to resume it, it is the type of situation where parents are dislike each other, live more like roommates than partners and try to use their kids to fight each other. I have always been neutral toward both parents since I was kids, but my second brother and second sister were using the advantage that they were our mom’s preferred children to get what they want and hurt their siblings. Anyway sha, I've always look at them from my corner until 5-6 years when their fight went from private to public. Despite not being part of their thing, I tried to reunite them with no success so, I gave up. I cannot come and die for people who created their own mess, specially that I am the youngest. I still thank God for the opportunity to be in the US because I am far from them but I should admit that they really affected me emotionally.



My career goal is to become a doctor but I am the only of my family who has been living and studying in America and bump my head a lot because I was completely new to the english system with nobody to guide me. By God’s grace, I haven’t failed. I have my master in Microbiology and I am still working to get to medical school. With all their issues and me being new to the country, I went through terrible depression and a lot of thing but thank God, I came out of it. My grades got badly affected which is even why I went to do a master to raise my GPA because medical school is very competitive. I don’t know how soon I will get there but Thank God that my motivation to become a doctor is still there.


My problem now is that my boyfriend came to ask for my hand in marriage from my mom last January. My mom sat him down to tell him that my elder brother is not married nor successful yet ( yes, because he still depends on her ) so I can’t get married. She also told him about the family problem between her and my other siblings and my dad ( which I don’t know how that concerns the poor guy), and she was adding how I am the hope of family and she wants me to be a doctor because she spends money on my sibling to send them to school and all, but they are not successful. She was saying how she doesn’t understand why I am in a rush that even 35yo is not late to be married and that it is because she doesn’t want me to think about marriage that she will never tell me when people’s kid get married. My bf gave her many examples of women even of her age, who are doctors now and got married while in medical school but she declined. He gave her every answer possible but either she will keep quiet or repeat to him that my elder brother is her priority now or that I am the hope of the family.


Without my mom knowing, I went to introduce my boyfriend to my dad despite the fact that I haven’t talk to the latter in 2 years due to his bad personality but I thank God it went well. My bf didn’t ask him my hand just simple introduction. Our plan was to do the traditional in August but seeing how the thing got with my mom, we pushed it to December with the hope of my bf going back home in August to ask my hand from my dad.

Aunty Stella, My bf’s parents are one of the three “couple goals” I can name in my life. They are as old as my parents but their love will make you love love. They don’t have as much as my mom, but they are rich in happiness and love. His dad is the dad I never had, calling me everyday, praying for me when I have health issues or exams, giving me advice to move forward and how to do my business. It is everything I never had with both my parents and it seems like an emotional escape for me to be around his family. I pray God that they will always be like that toward me even after I marry their son. There is not jealousy among siblings and parents talk to their kids like humans not like goats.



I am really pissed aunty Stella. This my mom is the person who almost always call me a failure comparing me to other people’s children, knowing very well that even a lot of those I graduated with from high school and who went to medical school in our country, are still not doctors yet; less of me studying abroad in a language that I am still learning. The brother she is setting as a priority, never had even a bachelor. He will go register in universities and later drop out. Even when I graduated from high school , him too he decided to go back to school and drop after a year claiming that his classmates are too young. I can’t even tell his story because I have heard he used to be brilliant and full of ambition but my mom destroyed him emotionally and on every aspect to the point that she put him even in psychiatric hospital ( his story is a pity). It is sad to say that my mom has used her own hands to destroy her kids and not having a dad who took his role seriously, made it worse for us.



I really wanted to cut my family off for good this year until that marriage issue come into play. My boyfriend is 36yo and doing well for himself but I am not trying to rely financially on him. I’ve never prayed to leave my parents to depend entirely on a man but I know that he will do his best for us if I really don’t have anything. I have launched a small beauty brand ( even if it is not doing too good yet) and I am working on having a food business soon, that’s along with looking for a job. I hope that financially I will be free soon because I am tired of the dictatorship my mom put because of giving money. She really abuses her role (she will curse you, compares you to other people, and swear that she will crush you to death if you don’t do what she want). I know I won’t be rich tomorrow but I am thinking about delaying my entrance in medical school to whenever I am good to go because it is not cheap. Anyway, I've already told my mom after she met with my boyfriend that she shouldn’t be too proud about thinking that she knows the future and that it is marriage that is gonna stop me from reaching my goal. That anything can happen to me including illness or even death which she won’t have any control over, and that will still result on her loosing all the work she claims to have done on me. She was just there saying “ God forbid”.



Another issue I am having is from my second sister ( the one I follow). Aunty Stella, she had her wedding when her relationship was excellent with my mom, very lavish. She is actually the only one who had a very nice wedding since she was our mom’s favorite. Now that things are bitter between them, I feel like she wants to bring her selfishness to my story. Since I have been saying that I might get married in December, she keeps asking why I want a big wedding, why don’t just have a private one with family only? That she doesn’t think she will be there anyway because she is trying to get pregnant and if that happens, I shouldn’t expect her to be there (she already have one girl). Recently, she even told me that even pregnancy or not, she thinks she wanna relocate to London this year with her family and I told her that no problem, she will just fly back for my event but she said she doesn’t think so. She keeps coming with different excuses and I am getting pissed. Please, who doesn’t wanna have their wedding celebrated if they have the opportunity? I am even a very private person so a traditional wedding with 200people max is my ideal but with African parents, it is a dream. So, can somebody explain my sister attitude because I only see selfishness because she doesn’t want to be present at my wedding while my mom also might be there.



Why can’t I have a good family. On my boyfriend side, everybody is ready. His family will keep texting me so we can discuss what I want for the wedding. However on my own side ( the bride side), every body is selfish. How can me, the bride-to-be, been trying to get married and my parents are not even officially aware? It is all a mental gymnastic to tell them because you don’t want them to create wahala in the town or use their fight to finish you? How can I have a sister as selfish as the one I have, knowing that she greatly participated in the family fight by always supporting my mom on her behaviour until recently when Karma came back to knock at her door. Less talking of my brothers, we don’t talk, especially the 2nd one he is the pure result of not having a dad figure so I completely cut him off from my life.



It is a shame for me toward my boyfriend’s family seeing how they are acting like normal people while mines are acting like animals. I wanted to cancel the traditional back home and just have something simple with no family member in the US, but I don’t wanna be selfish toward my future in-laws; it will be sad to cut them of the joy of celebrating with their son just because he choose to get married to a girl coming from a crazy family.



Please aunty Stella and my dear readers, can you try to advice me on what to do? My boyfriend is asking me to calm down with my mother and try to talk to her so that the wedding can go but I refuse. My parents gave me hell growing up. Yes, I had a president life but they were always dictating their rules and putting their kids down at anytime. My happy day cannot come and they will be saying rubbish. I am even ready for them not be present, it will just be a big shame for me in front of the in-lawns and it will also be the talk of town. It is sad that marriage is slowly looking like an escape for me from my family because I already told my boyfriend that once we eventually get married, I don’t think our kids will know their mom’s family since they are really toxic.


I have to say that my family issue made me learn how money is nothing.
To anyone out there, if you have love, peace, happiness, and faith, know that you are richer than a lot of those that are rich financially because those things are what money can never buy.

Thank you everyone!



*This is sad...Family with ISH is not what anyone wishes for....I dont even know what to say...Please try to win all them over if you must have them at your wedding and look for a way to handle them after the wedding or you stay away for your peace of mind.
Stick with the family who makes you happy.
Money indeed cannot buy you love!

105 comments:

  1. You are not a Nigerian but you are Yoruba!...
    What does that mean?...
    Lemme continue reading

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    Replies
    1. hahahahahaha the queen onye nsogbu

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    2. I think she's Yoruba by tribe but a citizen of another country.

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    3. Ayamnotunderstandingthisonetoo oo.. I missed you this crazy woman

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    4. Some people from Benin Republic and Togo are Yorubas.

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    5. Yes, We have Yorubas in other countries aside Nigeria. There are Yorubas in Benin republic, Togo, Ghana.......

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    6. Where have you been? I miss you sha

      Yes, I have some people living abroad who always claim not to be a Nigerian but a Yoruba, na all of them sabi.

      To the poster, I will put you in prayer, this is too much mehn



      *Larry was here*

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    7. Meaning she can be if yoruba decent ....


      There are lots of Yoruba/Lucumi in other places .

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    8. Yoruba is not synonymous to only Nigeria. It’s a “mega group “

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    9. She is probably from Benin republic, Seme border @ queen n boss

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    10. Maybe theres a yoruba clan in cameroun.

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    11. What has that got to do with her long list of life concerns???

      For your information some People form Benin republic speak Yoruba. There are Yoruba clans in several West African count tries and even Brazil. Please enlighten yourself.

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    12. Should be benin republic. They have yorubas there.
      Just like angelique kidjo.
      Poster, it's well with you.
      Go ahead witj yoir weddomg so long your dad can accept to give you out in marriage.

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    13. I took my time to read your story, I must commend you your writing skill, You tried.
      1. Stop painting your family bad as no family is perfect.
      2. Assignment for you.
      Look for that one person your mum listens to, get the person and pray for God's intervention.
      3. Become your dad paddy for the sake of your wedding and after that set your priority.
      God will help you. Be nice to your mum and get that thing that makes her happy. Play along

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    14. Poster, Med school first after the marriage. Leave businesses for now otherwise you will not actualize your dreams. Marriage first, use the IUD and hold off on kids. Thereafter, kids, business and all can follow.

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    15. Her boyfriend is 36, did you see that part?? He may not have such time to waste.

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    16. There are Yorubas in Ghana and elsewhere.

      But to you poster. Yourmother and my mother are similar. She likes it when their children are not doing well because it means you need her and she can control you. The first step is to distance yourself financially. Once you are able to take care of yourself you can then negotiate what type of relationship you want to have with her.

      It is not going to be easy. You are used to a certain life. I can see with all this talk of a big wedding that the money may have a hold on you. Trust me, you will be fine and 10x happier when you are free from all the strings that come with your mothers money.

      You are ey lucky to have found a wonderful family in your fiancé's people. You can't buy that type of love. Do not let your mother stop you from having that.

      Good luck.

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    17. There are Yorubas in Brazil and in Jamaica. Some of you are incredibly ignorant in 2018. Google can help to cover the shame.

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    18. Ignorance n.a. disease chaaii

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    19. Anon 19:24 you for say Benin republic or togo but you just want hype yourself so you put Brazil and Jamaica,lol. You know most of them so called yorubas in Brazil don't speak Yorba so just identify with The Benin and Togo yorubas for now.lol

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    20. @5:40
      My god Mother's family identifies as Yoruba from Brazil.

      Like I said Google is there to cover your abject SHAME. 5:40.

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    21. Thank God you used identifies with but they don't speak Yorba, a lot of the slaves suffer from identity crises and look for African tribes to identify with,many of them claim Yorba for voodoo reasons,they are attracted to African religion and Yorba is one of the tribes that is still into voodoo full time. GO CHECK THEY DON'T SPEAK YORBA BUT MOST OF THEM WHO IDENTIFY WITH YORBA ONLY COPY THE VOODOO.

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  2. hmmmmmmmm this is sad.

    Just like your boyfriend said, calm down and all will be well.

    I dont want a situation where your mum will go all out and turn the table against you. Your elder brother not married should not be used against you.

    My dear since God has helped you and given you a good man, why dont you ask that Same God to help you to take control of any negative effect from your family.

    Truly money cannot buy happiness but it still rules the world. Me i like money i no go lie

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    Replies
    1. Become financially independent and watch your family grovel for your attention. Your mum is sad deep down that at her age she still feeds your siblings. Become financially independent and watch things turn around.

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  3. You have to be very careful before you sow a seed that would bite you in the ass in future.
    Family like yours exist but that does not mean you should expose them this way to your future in laws and husband before they’d use it to insult you later, humans are very funny.

    Please be calm and still talk to your mother to see reasons with you. Pick a date and let her know your plans, if after all this she refuses not to come then go ahead and have your day the way you want it. You’re 25 not 15 nothing too young about getting married at 25 as long as it wouldn’t stop you from pursuing your dreams. It is not your place to fulfil for your Mum the dreams her favorite child couldn’t achieve, you didn’t ask to be born by her. Don’t fight fire for fire, set a date, print card and tell her that your in laws are coming and also let your dad know. Your inlaws should come to your daddy’s house for the introduction and marriage rites as it’s normal so I don’t know why you’re letting your Mum and sister work you up. You’d be fine.

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    1. I don't think you read the story well. It was her mum that exposed the family ish to her fiance not her (she even added 'how that one take concern him')

      Poster be careful how u go about this so as not to lose a good guy in the end. Nor everyone is accommodating of external family drama

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    2. She didn’t expose the family. Her mum did!!

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    3. Mchewww. Look, the guy and his family will disrespect her if they want to in the future! Get that! A man willlive you if he will. You know nothing about Narcissistic and toxic Family, hence your ignorant talk 😡 better he knows now than later

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    4. Eka Joy, I read this part “... My boyfriend is asking me to calm down with my mother and try to talk to her so that the wedding can go but I refuse. My parents gave me hell growing up. Yes, I had a president life but they were always dictating their rules and putting their kids down at anytime. I already told my boyfriend that once we eventually get married, I don’t think our kids will know their mom’s family since they are really toxic“

      For her man to be urging her to tie loose ends and try to get her Mum to come around then it means she is acting on emotions rather than being diplomatic. She can have her Mum dancing around and act happier than her at her wedding if she simply calms down and finds a way to get to her heart. This is her mother not her step Mum or adopted mother. How is she even show her sister that she calls favorite is really her mom’s favorite? Toh what do I know.

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    5. Dopple unless you have experienced it you may not understand. Toxic families are the worst. If she can't talk to her fiance about it who will she discuss it with? It directly concerns him too.

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    6. I concur with your paragraph 1

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  4. Hian
    Poster,it's not a must that your mom or siblings would attend!...
    Go through your dad and do your shit!...
    What rubbish?...

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    Replies
    1. @queen, you just wrote my mind. If the dad was the problem, then we'll wonder who will give her out in marriage. Don't let your mum ruin your life. She will come around. She has lived hers the best way she could.

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    2. @Shapewhatever

      Why not have your own mind
      Must someone write your mind?

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  5. Replies
    1. Narcissistic family dynamics at play here. Mom is the matriarch whose decision can never be questioned. She'll always reign supreme and always focused on the family status. Narcissistic people are dead emotionally, so can never connect with you on that level.

      To them, money reigns and equals love. Yes, they'd give you materials things but can never be there for you, emotionally. Also, the 'golden child' is always found in such families. One child is enthroned so high and favoured above others. She can do no wrong in the eyesame of the narcissist. Then, there's also a scape Goat, who takes the blame for all the wrongs in the family. Who's constantly put down too.

      Poster, apparently, you've played the scape Goat role until recently, while your elder sister was formerly the golden child. Roles are about to changer cos you're the one whose about to elevate her(mom's)status in the eyes of people, which is way more important to her than your happiness.

      Enough of my 'rants', but you can google, narcissism or narcissistic family dynamics to equip yourself with knowledge of what you're faced with.

      As per your post, i'd advise you go on and do what ever makes you tick. Your mum can never be convinced to let you have your way, I can almost bet that. Your marriage does not align with her dreams, so forget about ever trying to reason with her. For every time you do that, you'd come out more burnt and all sad, so save your energy. Stand your ground and do what you must do. She'd crush you for that, believe me but you're better off being far away as possible from such toxic environment.

      I truly hope you find true love and everlasting happiness with your man and his people. No one deserves to be loved only based on what you're bringing to the table. Cheers to you, girl.

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    2. Thank you poster. I see you’re educated on the topic

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    3. 15:56 thanks though I am not poster

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  6. Honestly,if i begin to type,my advise self go long pass ur post but it is just well with u,this is what we d children experience when there's no love btw our parents or siblings,i remembered when i told my mum i don't want an elaborate nikkah,that i wanted a parlour get together which my dad supported, no names that she didn't call me and even said she won't come and she would inform all her siblings not to step out for d day,@poster,just try and persuade her and let her see reasons why she needs to allow u marry from d family that so much care about u,try whatever means u need just to get her consent cos she's just like my mum that would curse her child and won't feel remorseful or sad about it,eni ti tie ti jona,koni kona mo ti e,just be wise pls

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  7. Abeg, who read everything to the end? I get that ur mum is representing ur village ppl in Nigeria, & youre at war with ur siblings. Bond with ur dad this period till ure married at least.

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    1. hahahahaha Olodo, if it is rumour has it, you will finish it and tell us the stories.

      No be small representation from village people hahahahaha

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    2. Kwakwakwakwa@ anonymous15:16

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  8. Lots of tempers flying around in ur family....

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  9. it is a pity.
    May God guide you aright

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    Replies
    1. So this huge bowtie still hook you for throat?! Abeg you need air, no commiting suicide, we're in this hurstle together bro! No one is getting out easy.

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    2. Is it ya bowtie? Mr hayteen

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  10. It took me 5 mins to read everything. Well poster, I don't think it is right to paint your family 'all bad' in the presence of your prospective boyfriend and In-law. This is not totally right as people say that its not good to wash one's dirty linen in the public. You didn't even say one good thing about them even though they gave you a "president" life that others are praying for. Start by addressing this issue.
    From your story, I can deduce the faulty foundation in your family but your parents' blessings are very important. Don't do your wedding without their blessings. The only way you can convince your mum is to touch her soft spot or go through her favourite child or children, which are your second sister and your first brother. Look for their favours and make them your friend. I'm sure that your mum will listen to them. You can also have a signed contract or agreement with your mum concerning your medical school. Promise her that you will do it at a "stipulated" time and make sure you do. Then, pray about everything.
    I am not doubting that your in-laws have all good about them but I'm sure that they also have their imperfections. Learn from your guy that chose not to paint them "bad". No home is perfect.

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    Replies
    1. Good advise prudent
      U arep just on 👉point. Poster please take this advice


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    2. The mum did all the "dirty laundry" single handedly, family in conflict isnt something that stays hidden, no matter how you cloak it with a smile.
      You've not seen a stubborn parent thats why, nothing will get them to bend, you just have to go around it, like road contractors avoid a mountain while construction occurs! Poster, do u get the picture? Go around any immobile object!
      Its hard to stop someone who knows where theyre going - Micheal Jordan.

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    3. @Erased ink honestly I'm surprised people are advicing her not to air her family issues, that now I'm wondering if we read the same chronicle. After you have such a conversation with your proposed MIL and then you met the proposed FIL acting all chilled, you dont need an angel to tell you there's wahala somewhere. The girl didn't tell him her mum was troublesome, her mum showed herself. Arrgh!

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    4. Enough said 👏👏👏💜👏👏👏💜👏

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    5. The mum showed herself but she also said something like that her children won't be visiting her parents in the future. I also read the part that the man is telling her to calm down. If the man is to be in her shoes, I'm 100% sure that he will have a better way to go about the issue. The mum showed herself and the babe elaborated the "showing".

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    6. Prudent Tabitha if you don't know, you don't know

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  11. This is serious..don't know why's to even type for u poster cuz all I read was just like a script.

    I feel ur pain cuz I know how crucial happiness is to human life.

    Please,u need God in this situation,go on ur kneels and pray to God before embarking on any action,if possible,make it a day or two day fasting and prayer,seek God for direction but your parents are very important why

    Because,it's gonna be a continuous inherited curse if you don't stop it now,if you tend to sideline your parents most specially ur mom,u might end up putting ursef into a prob.





    Mc pinky

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    1. I pray God helps her or else like erased ink said she has to move round them or remain unmarried. She needs to free herself from them and pray for them from a distance after marriage. She can eventually reconcile with anyone who is ready to do so. I mean just check out the sister giving excuses. If you haven't been through this shit you might not understand. It is not about begging and giving gifts. It is about toxicity and psychological bullshit, even spiritual sometimes

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  12. Pls who read till d end? Summarize for u

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  13. I Dnt think it's a good idea washing all ur family's dirty laundry in front of ur future in laws... Nobody knows tomorrow, it might be used against u... Ur family is ur family no matter where or who u marry and Dnt use marriage as always of escape from ur family learn to stand on ur own then u can make ur decisions without them having a say but I still insist that u protect ur family from in laws....

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    Replies
    1. This kind of family you don't have to wash nothing. They will gladly wash it for you in public. They thrive on public display of bad drama. One person cannot cover it. Poster is very bold to even want them at her wedding. They will show themselves. Poster if your father will behave better go with him.

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  14. Sad, sad, sad
    Is your man Nigerian?
    Foreigners don't have the kind of family drama we have here.
    Talk to your mum alone, assure her that even after marriage you will not abandon them.
    Let her see the advantages, you can even lie that you will bring that your agbaya brother to the US after marriage.
    Make the idea appealing to her.
    Discuss less of your family issues with your man. The impressions never go away.
    The man's family is loved up, yours isnt, live with it.
    Dont make them an obvious cocoon for peace
    I understand how painful it can be but on the bright side a parent trained to to school abroad, so there must be a little love there.
    If your mum does not thaw after some time then you can follow your heart.
    But think long and hard before you take any drastic decisions.
    Again, if you want to go to med school, perhaps you need to focus on it and rest on the side businesses for a while, to improve your grades.

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  15. Nice read and really good effort with your English. You wrote better than a lot that schooled in English from the cradle.

    In as much as you will marry your boyfriend with or without your mom's consent; i.e. your dad taking the lead and receiving the bride price etc. . . . you have to be spiritually sound to confront the storm from your mom's end. That "storm" isn't going to abate even if she tags along. Your story is a typical story line of folks who have a diabolic covenant standing which usually targets the family to destroy. Whenever someone makes an alliance with Satan (by visiting mediums/babalawo for e.g.), the first thing that goes is peace and that is replaced with sorrows (Psalm 16:4). He talks the family apart (remember the story at Eden) and makes them hide from God the creator. I may not know exactly who made that diabolic connection but you probably know if your mom did. It is not hard to know who visits the mediums. Her reasons for not letting you married are flimsy and at best a script written there.

    Your best bet to weather the storm is to be firmly rooted in Christ; reading your scriptures daily, praying, fasting etc. You will come to appreciate God as a father when you did not have a proper family structure growing up.

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    1. 👋👋👋👋👋👋👋 poster, this right here is everything you need to know/do. I figured the problem in your family was spiritual. Don't judge your siblings too harshly, they are most likely being manipulated without their own knowledge.

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  16. My dear, I understand this story so well. I came from a similar family, there is no love lost between my parents, but the difference is that I am the eldest and I vowed to bring my siblings together. Literally encouraged all my siblings to look beyond our parent's faults and work hard to create a happy life for themselves. Thank God we are all doing relatively well and have managed to rise above the challenges that life threw at us.
    You should make sure that you are marrying your boyfriend because you love him not as a means of escape. I was engaged once to a great guy, when my parents problems were at its peak but the relationship fell apart because it became clear later on that I didnt really love him, I was just trying o escape my parent's troubles.
    Make sure you love your fiance for who he is and he is not a means of escape. It is good that his family is supportive of your relationship, so that means you can even do your wedding in the US and even just the necessary members of your family : your mum and dad perhaps.
    I will also encourage you to pray for your family. Remember that the devil has sown the seed of discord in your family and look at how multiple generations have been affected. Pray for deliverance; pray for your mum and dad and siblings. Also try to forgive. I went for a long time without speaking to my parents and our relationship changed when I chose to forgive them, seeing them as just flawed human beings. Believe me that resenting them hurts you the most. The day I forgave especially my dad, was the day I started living freely for me. Did it mean he is perfect, far from it, but it means I can relate to him better, forgive him when he errs and today my dad has started returning to the Lord.
    Also pray for your own family that you are planning to form. Coming from a dysfunctional family can affect our own character so much without us noticing it. I believe you should go on a serious fast about your upcoming wedding and your family issues; God will reveal things to you and you will come back to testify here.
    Poster be strong and courageous. God has got you. Your family problems do not define you, let them make you more compassionate and forgiving because you have seen the worst of life and now are preparing to enjoy the best. Also know that your future in laws did not become couple goals overnight. They worked at theoir marriage, overcame many problems and now can enjoy love borne out of care and belief in each other. I suggest you have a talk with your future parents in law. Ask them how they managed to grow such a beautiful relationship. You may be surprised to learn that they also went through their own period of trials.
    Finally poster you are not alone. Every family has problems and secrets. Yours is not the worse that I have heard. I have close friends whose family history is more shocking than yours but they have succeeded to have a stable life.
    I am praying for you and pray that the peace and joy of our Lord Jesus Christ will be your portion. God bless you my dear

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. @Anon 15.33- my story is so similar to yours..but with a dead mother, ridiculous extended family, and a deeply occultic father who attacks his 2 children spiritually. How do u handle marriage in such a situation...
      Do u invite such a father to your marriage and get his "curses" as against Parental Blessings.
      Trust me we are children of God...but physically what would suggest they do in this case...it's like inviting your arch- enemy to your place of honor....(like Haman to the queen's banquet)...We are definitely praying, but how would you handle this...

      Delete
    2. My dear Anon @ 18:01, honestly I don't know what I can tell you. When faced with the occult pray like never before. We serve a God who moves mountains and he has given us power over every dominion and principality. If you do not know how to go about the wedding, and getting your dad's blessings, pray for revelation and wisdom. Moreso be courageous. You seem to be living in fear of what your father's occultic activities can do; remember that as a child of God, you have conquered. However no one goes to warfare unprepared; the same way your dad is using all his energies in the occult; focus your energy on prayer. And you dont need to start running from one yeye prophet to another; God has given you the tools you need for your deliverance. I suggest you look up Derek Prince vidoes on youtube about spiritaul warfare and defeating the occult. You will learn so much about how to overcome the kingdom of darkness.
      Re: extended family members; that one is easy. I have learnt to deal with the family members that are close to me, any unnecessary or evil person, "we no get any business in common at all'.I can pray for them from afar.
      I pray for a breakthrough in yur case and a successful marriage; remember the Isrealites marched, prayed and danced around the wall of Jericho and triumphed after 7 days. You know your own wall of Jericho i.e your problems & your dad; start marching(not literally), fasting and praying unceasingly about it. You will have a breakthrough. Read 2 Corinthians 10: 4 -5; Ephesians 6: 10-18
      It is well dear. God bless you.

      Delete
  17. MY dear, clam down as your husband said. Be very careful of what you tell your husband about your family. There is nothing good communication will not do. Most parents want their children to finish school before getting married so that they will be independent. Guess that is what your mum wants.

    You need your parents and siblings in your life. I dont see any serious issue on what you wrote. You are just in love and feel everyone should understand how you feel. Calm down babe. Create time to talk with your parents and siblings. Let them see reasons, let them know how you feel, above, all, pray, pray pray.

    ReplyDelete
  18. You should know what you want to do being an adult. No one has the right to question or direct you in any way, manner and form, your life, your decision.

    My advise will be for you to go through your dad for your marriage rites and blessings, given the circumstance, your wedding ought not be too elaborate. Focus on the life after marriage and not on the wedding itself.

    Prior to the time of your wedding, send invites to your mom and siblings for them to attend and leave it there. Anyone that deems fit to attend should be welcome, those who don't, learn to give zero fucks.

    At the end of the day, do what makes you happy.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Your story has an untold story -how did the love of a family get so badly battered?
    if you can, get a copy of "Sin in the House -a revelation of the Blood covenant". It is on amazon bookstores. It helped me appreciate why my love life appeared to be always jinxed by family problems.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Poster, this right here is the truth 🖕🖕🖕

      Delete
  20. Poster, I have advised you but I need to go anon to share my own story.
    This is what happens when there is siblings rivalry. My own mum loves my sister very much and I see everything to my own advantage because my mum pampers my sister to a fault. She still feeds her while I feed myself. I grew to be very independent and her actions has pushed me to be hardworking. See, my mum that cannot keep her marriage is the one advising my sister about her relationships and she has lost 5 relationships all because of my mum's intervention. On the other hand, I have never for once told her anything about my relationship. I don't give her room for interference at all. She knows my guy but she doesn't know shit about how I run my relationship. My guy is aware of the issue at home but I balance things up by letting him know the good sides of my parents. He once asked me who I love most between my mum and my dad and I said 'my mum'. Most times, I lie to him just for him to respect my mother and siblings. I also know some bad things about his sides too but he also balances things up.
    I'm happy that I'm not my mum favourite because it has turned to my favour and I'm not sulking about it. Grow up Miss

    ReplyDelete
  21. Your mom has roots in the dark kingdom.
    pray for her but please do not take her
    advice in matters that relates to your
    family life.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Benin republic and Togo have too much of diabolic issues...

      Delete
    2. Na wa, so they are as diabolical as yorubas in Nigeria?

      Delete
  22. It is well o. Pls give your mom time n don't rush into the marriage. Involve God in this matter to touch your mom.

    ReplyDelete
  23. A win-win situation is always the best in situations like this. You don't need more drama and heartaches in your life right now. May God guide you and give you wisdom in these trying times

    ReplyDelete
  24. Poster I suggest you start getting close to your dad and tell him about you wanting to pick a date.
    Let him understand how much his support means to you and that you need him to stand up for you on this

    As for your mom speak with her,tell her that you have made up your mind to marry and that she cannot hang the failures of your other siblings on you.

    Promise her that you will do all she needs from you always even after the wedding to soften her mind but if she insists on not supporting the wedding then quietly cut her off and let your father stand in for you.

    As for the size of your wedding, do a wedding that you can personally afford and don't ask your mother for one penny. This is to secure your future marriage and so that she won't feel like you owe her your life after the wedding.
    DO what you can afford, even if it is a Palour introduction do it like that,it will save you the embarrassment of begging your mother for money for a big wedding,plus with that when you totally cutt off from her you won't owe her anything.

    Lastly stop telling your fiance about your family problems,it might be used against you in the future as an insult.Also you don't need your sister to attend your wedding as she is not God,so forget her and her silly excuses


    LEP😛

    ReplyDelete
  25. Dear poster, just tell yourself to love everybody regardless of their shortcomings.
    Then donot sell yourself cheap to your inlaws, do not expose the flaws in your family to them.
    Handle them all with wisdom by involving God first.
    All the best.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I second this motion.

      Don’t sell yourself cheap to your in laws but you need to keep your family at a distance for now. This is your life. Try not to blame your sister for her actions or words she was not raised with love just like you. Also, you have an opportunity that she may never get.

      Your mum might be looking out for herself but she is still you mum. You only have ONE mother in life so tread carefully. Most mothers who act like yours have very deep seated issues. Maybe she was also raised with no love. Try to understand her and appreciate the fact that she has given you guys a finacially privileged life. You can use it as a template for how NOT to raise your kids.

      I’m sure you will be fine. Don’t hate anyone just pray and face your future.

      Delete
  26. You aren't Nigerian but Yoruba. Are you from Brazil or you are Egun from Togo or Benin republic.
    Anyway pls for you to have peace in your life. You need to live for yourself. Some families are just toxic. I'm not doubting their love for you. But some ppl express their love in not so good ways.
    I know a girl that is not so close to her family. Because they give her more stress than love. She keeps her distance from them for her sanity.
    She's doing very well and has her own money anyway.
    If you are independent. Pls cut off from them for a while. Go to registry with your fiance. Celebrations can come later. I believe with time they will come around. The lady I know that cut off from her family not like she doesn't communicate with them,she does but to a limit. The person she is really close to and shows her real love is the grandma. That's the person she has kind of taken as a mother.
    Pls give all of them space and continue with your schooling and career. Do registry wedding for now. Good luck

    ReplyDelete
  27. Dearie, pray about it and be wise..But please, dnt do a wedding without the blessing of your parents.
    Please dear bvs, a friend of mine wants to buy Facebooks Friends, and Instagram followers.Please, how can he go about it?

    ReplyDelete
  28. My dear I feel your pain and get where you are coming from. Mu advice, which will not be popular and might be strange is to cut any toxic family member off. You only have one life. Your parents have lived theirs. If you are not careful they will completely ruin yours. I wish I had done so years ago. I was 45 when I realised that some parents are deeply flawed and they will never change. The moment I stopped caring about what anyone thought and decided to live my life was when things started working for me. You have a loving supportive fiance from what seems to be a good home. Marry him but do a small wedding. Luckily you are in the US and far away from everyone. Still pursue your goals of medical school but don;t expect any family support. For once in your life love yourself enough to put yourself to stand up to your mother and put your future family first, or else your future husband, children etc will also be under your mum's control. Please take it from me. Say no to emotional blackmail. Enough is enough.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Very well said. May God bless you too. Stella today's advice givers make me proud to be a supporte of your blog

      Delete
    2. Yaaaas!!
      Cut off any toxic person from your life so you can move forward. Even if it's family. Manoeuvre your way out of that situation, get what you want and move on.
      Shebi you people can see why Meghan Markle is most likely doing what she's doing now? Some people have families with zero love and they gradually withdraw.

      Delete
    3. Thank you. Finally someone that understands. Poster please take anon 16:06 advice

      Delete
  29. My dear poster, you see I'm in your shoes, same age, same desired profession, same situation with the parents only that my father is the stumbling block in my case and it is so embarrassing for me the way he acts to my intended in-laws.
    God will help us oh... I'll be reading the comments too as I'm at my wits end

    ReplyDelete
  30. POSTER, please stop exposing your family flaws to your future in laws because it might haunt you tomorrow. No matter what happens they are still your flesh and blood. All you need is now is patience , endurance and lots of wisdom to tackle this issue.
    Appeal to your mother and make her to understand , try hard to win her over to your side. In all, remember you can win all battles on your kneels. Pray and trust God to handle the marriage challenges.
    Congratulations in advance

    ReplyDelete
  31. All I will say is be careful of how you portray your family with your boyfriend n his family because whatever you say will be used against you in future.try to cover up for your family and see how you can settle the issue.love is blind but marriage is an eye opener.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. True talk!

      Delete
    2. When the mama don go cast herself? Only a foolish man won't see that there's some toxicity in that woman.

      Delete
  32. My dear, you must learn to speak the language your family understands. If they are crafty, be crafty. Since your father is on your side, align with him and move forward. Keep taking your fiancé to him, take his family to him and set a wedding date. Tell them your mother asked you to ensure your father’s full cooperation, before she comes in. When it’s all set, inform your mum and siblings. And please do proper prayer and fasting before you inform them, because your mother’s hands are most likely unclean. I mean, if she’s not in terms with ANY of her siblings, I can imagine the type of woman she is. (Which are the things men should check with picking a wife, but NO! They will be looking for who is living or not living at home 🙄)

    As for that your mother, she’s doing everything to discourage the young man. Can’t you see? families hide their issues from intending spouses, but she is even bringing hers out. *hiss* ignore your sister. It’s her cup of garri and hot milk. Why do you think she should have an opinion about your wedding? Yes, ideally a big Sister should lend her opinion. BUT honey, accept your sister isn’t the type and keep her at arms length. Look, being a doctor is good but it doesn’t mean you will find the right guy when you’ve achieved. And you seem like the type of person who will function better in a loving environment- the type your boyfriends family can give you. Now that you have found a man you love and who loves you back, with a supportive family; just lock it down. Your mothers reasons aren’t valid and if you go with them you will regret not shaking any table in future.

    ReplyDelete
  33. My dear I feel your pain and get where you are coming from. Mu advice, which will not be popular and might be strange is to cut any toxic family member off. You only have one life. Your parents have lived theirs. If you are not careful they will completely ruin yours. I wish I had done so years ago. I was 45 when I realised that some parents are deeply flawed and they will never change. The moment I stopped caring about what anyone thought and decided to live my life was when things started working for me. You have a loving supportive fiance from what seems to be a good home. Marry him but do a small wedding. Luckily you are in the US and far away from everyone. Still pursue your goals of medical school but don;t expect any family support. For once in your life love yourself enough to put yourself to stand up to your mother and put your future family first, or else your future husband, children etc will also be under your mum's control. Please take it from me. Say no to emotional blackmail. Enough is enough.

    ReplyDelete
  34. Just try and win your family now than ever, you can also get your dad to be very involved in the marriage arrangements . Please do not put your family down to your in_law .

    ReplyDelete
  35. Queen and Boss WELCOME ooo I really missed you

    ReplyDelete
  36. Poster, I do not really understand that part where your mum wants to stall your progress because of your older sibling.Our last born was the first to marry in my family, and this is a family of 6.We were all happy for her and rallied round her. To the glory of God,almost everyone is married now. So your mum didn't get it right on that one but you need to apply wisdom in dealing with her. Pray very well and ask for directions from God. You don't need an elaborate wedding in the midst of family brouhaha o. Just do it moderately and go your way jeje. May God guide you. All the best dear.

    ReplyDelete
  37. A lot of people here are writing rubbish! Sorry, but yes! We Nigerians are never educated about Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Most African homes are ruled by this saddening trait. A lot of you asking her not to wash dirty linen in public and stuff are mostly scapegoats yourselves. You don’t know any better! It’s considered okay to bully your children and stuff. It’s very saddening. You guys are just jumping on the wagon, typing and advising rubbish, because you are either narcissists or the scapegoats yourselves... so I can’t blame you. You guys need to go read about Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I’m a victim myself. And reading this lady’s story is just like reading mine. Poster, I want you to have this at the back of your head- YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT HERE! okay? YOU NEED A SUPPORT SYSTEM. If possible, get some therapy from a qualified psychologist as well. Her mum obviously outed herself before her fiancé, not the poster herself, for those who cannot comprehend.

    15 Traits of a Narcissistic Mother:

    They like to keep control
    They divert the conversation to center on themselves
    They get angry when things don’t go their way
    Ironically, they care what people think about them
    They use love to reward and punish.
    They find constant fault in their children and compare them with other “perfect” kids.
    Their children live in an emotionless void
    They never want to let you go


    They literally destroy their children even without knowing. Keep in mind they CAN NEVER CHANGE. They usually have enablers.....please people don’t just use the internet to gossip. Use it to educate yourselves. I’m so mad at the people judging the writer. Mchewww

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hmmm..... @destroy children without them knowing. Based on narcissism- It’s always what’s best for them and not what’s best for the child. God help us oh!

      Delete
    2. @Me, other people aired their practical opinions. They fact that they contradicts yours doesn't make them rubbish. You just lectured us about Narcissistic mothers and you didnt give the poster a way forward.
      You may be mad at people telling the poster how to maneuver her ways to have her heart desires but what exactly is your point?
      Yes, we may be scapegoats but is there no good thing about her family that she's painting them as devils?
      Her mother exposed herself but why did she have to tell her boyfriend that their children may not visit her parents? That is not wise of her. She would have even badmouthed her family to the guy before they even met her. No one is judging her please but she should learn how to make lemonade out of her lemons.

      Delete
    3. You write like someone I know...That said,your comment is apt and I hope the chronicle poster really reads this to understand her family dynamics so as to find a way forward.


      LEP😛

      Delete
    4. 18:44 unless you experience it you won't understand. It is not your fault though these are actually abnormal behaviours.

      Delete
  38. “Anyway sha”.... I cannot come and die”.... poster you write like a Nigerian. Just saying.

    ReplyDelete
  39. Is that why you have no advice to give?

    ReplyDelete
  40. Poster
    the only person you will need must in your traditional marriage is your real
    father,,only him or ur elder brother,and ur marriage will be blessed,,
    you can even invite ur father and one of ur family member over there as a witness and
    he will hand you over to your husband,,as a woman,,,,,big wedding in a trouble
    home is not good ,,,dont worry ur mother will be okey after the wedding
    only if she is not a witch that wanted to use ur marriage for somethings,,

    ReplyDelete
  41. You can only pray or show any love for such hurtful & bad family members from afar!!!
    Keep away!
    Keep long distance!
    Move on with ur own life & NEVER EVER MAKE MISTAKE TO LOOK BACK AT THEM!!!

    ReplyDelete
  42. My mum is also the problem in my life she doesn’t want me to marry so I have deviced a plan which is; my man will do court wedding with me before I take him to Naija to do a very small trad with my dad’s fam then we come back to the Uk plan and do a small trad for his family and my mum then the white wedding he has the money and I will give my mum 2 weeks notice to everything I told my guy it is because I don’t want noise he also doesn’t want noise and he agrees to my plan as long as he has me he doesn’t care.

    I am 31 my boo is 36 and the man of my dreams. I can never tell him about my mum I tell him we speak everyday and she is my besties is a lie o we have not spoken for 4 years. I ran away from her and her wicked family.

    ReplyDelete

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