Stella Dimoko Korkus.com: Chronicle Of Blog Visitor Narrative.....

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Tuesday, February 12, 2019

Chronicle Of Blog Visitor Narrative.....

Hmmmmmmm..........






STAND ALONE NARRATIVE

HURTING BADLY AND CONSIDERING DIVORCE...


A year ago, my husband told me he would never have a child with me until I have a job. He said it so condescendingly that I cried for days, his exact words, date and time he said those words are still fresh in my memory. And not once did he apologize, he just continued living like nothing happened.



I was hurt beyond words but I used his statement to challenge God and I worked harder towards getting a job.
I didn’t have a job but I wasn’t broke. I could take care of the child on my own, my mother still continued giving me monthly allowance after marriage so I still had a few millions in my account that my husband didn’t know of, I told him how my mum sent me money every month before we got married and he said that nonsense must stop after marriage so I just kept it from him.


My mother sends me money monthly even now that I have a job. Most times I spend more than what she sends to me on her but she said she simply can’t stop. I’m her only child and we went through a lot together after my dad died.


Along the line he got demoted at work and I got a job that same month and I now earn more than he does. He doesn’t know that as I told him I earn 50% of my actual salary.( my husband gets intimidated easily especially when it has to do with money).


Now, he wants to have kids, he’s desperate for children but I have lost interest . I noticed I lost interest the day he told me to get a job first.
I still want kids, but just not with him.


He knew how badly I wanted kids then, even his mother accused me of not getting pregnant cause I wanted to continue my “baby girl for life” lifestyle after marriage.


Her exact words were “widows don’t always bring up the best children, that she doesn’t even know what my husband sees in me, that I’m too curvy and fashionable to make a good wife. That my mother could only have 1 child so she’s not surprised I can’t even get pregnant” and some other things she said that I’m too embarrassed to type here.



 My husband heard all these and still kept quiet. He didn’t tell his mother what his real problem was. He just kept quiet and let her pile up all that insult on me.


My mother may have been a widow ( I mean who plans to lose their husband when their only child was just 15 years old?) But She was very strict with me. I married as a virgin. My husband was the first guy I ever kissed. He thought me everything I know about s#x.


I couldn’t tell anybody what he told me cause I didn’t want to involve a third party in my young marriage.


I swallowed all the side comments from his people, my mother begged me to tell her what the problem was, I told her nothing.
I resent my husband to the point of hatred, one night he tried to touch me and I fought him off like he was a rapist.


He was surprisingly gentle with me and asked me what the problem was, I broke down and opened up to him. He cried with me and apologized and asked that we see a therapist cause I still couldn’t let him touch me afterwards.


I’ve been seeing a therapist for 6 months now but my mind seems to be made up.


I want a divorce. 


My mother thinks it’s too extreme but I have honestly tried to make it work.
Please what do I do?
Is my mother right? She’s the only family I have and my husband stopped me from keeping friends so I don’t have anyone to talk to.



*Some things though bad,have a reason for happening........
If he still loves you and has shown some remorse,then forgive him and try to start building...The past is destroyed and hurts but what is in front can be better.....If you Mother in la is still alive ask that your hubby go and tender an explanation to her with you present,Maybe she will also apologise to you....
If you have made up your mind to take a walk,then i wish you all the best....

124 comments:

  1. O girl Abeg, waka...... Men who stay mute when their woman is being attacked for no cause of theirs are not supposed to be called men.

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    Replies
    1. Eiyaa...I feel 4 you poster. Some men can just push their wives into hating them. Anyways, if you can find it in ur heart, forgive him. At least since your mum thinks same...Just give your mum grand kids ok...don't do it for your yeye hubby...do it for yourself and mum. Plus make sure he goes to his mum and tell her the real reason you weren't pregnant all the while coz that woman's owes you an apology too...all the best

      Delete
    2. Y are you people too quick to ask one to leave her home. Na wa oh

      Delete
    3. If she waka, wont she remarry. What are the assurances that the next person will be better.

      Poster,please forgive but have a back up. Do not open up to him completely about your financial status.

      Delete
    4. My sister, things are falling in place for you, yet you want to ruin all by yourself.
      The worst you have seen and heard is the worst that could ever happen. Words hurt more than actions. However, to have shut the door of your heart to love is hurting you more than the pain he caused you.

      Your mind is made up but what happenes when the next man offend you again with words? You opt out again?

      Stop hurting yourself more, forgive and move on. Enjoy the beautiful things life has to offer only when there is no resentment in you.

      Delete
    5. Anonymous 15:39, God bless you and yours. I dont understand people on this forum any more. The only advice most of them have is walk away, divorce, leave her, leave him, etc. Where are the virtues and characters for good living? Where are the ideals and right attitudes that we need to live a good life.

      Let us assume without conceding that the guy is wrong for such error and the mum worsened the case, does that now mean the marriage must break?

      Where is forgiveness? Where is reconciliation? What is the place of maturity in marriage and adjustment in marriage?

      This lady might probably be seeing another guy and she needs our validation to move out of her matrimonial home.

      Poster: Your husband was just trying to build a good and robust financial plan for the family. His salary might be poor and he knew that having children with maybe N100,000 in this Nigeria might be a suicide mission. He wanted you to bring something small to the table to ensure the child does not lack anything good. He is a good planner ( my view).

      The Poster seems to be a liar as well because she has kept many things away from the guy eg her salary, the fact that she gets financial supports from her mum. To the extent that she has millions in her account. She might be keeping other things as well including extra marital affairs.

      Let me tell you, if you leave him, you will marry another man, fine; but you may be going from frying pan to fire. Your guy seems to be a good one but you keep grudges and malice too much that a seemingly simple case of building a better financial plan together is perceived to be a negative issue to you.

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    6. Best comment on this too malicious and unforgiving. Leave him na . He’s a man another correct babe will marry him sharp sharp

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    7. Poster I will advise you to forgive your husband. People can't just mind what they say to people. What his mum and himself said to you is bad but if he is remorseful about it just forgive and gradually you willwill s loving him again. Pls try and get pregnant fast because in the end you will be happy you did. @Blessed Princess

      Delete
    8. Why will the husband stop you from making friends though? Why do african women allow their husbands treat them like slaves? Like this is your partner, not your master. He can keep friends, but you can't. What kind of life is this? What right has his mom to talk to you like that though?

      Delete
    9. Poster think and think again before you act! Believe me I know it is in men genes to be insensitive a times with their words, but in all, marriage ought to be all about communication, understanding, loyalty, trust and love.

      When your hubby hurt you with words, you should've had an honest conversation with him concerning what he said to you and how it hurts...cos keeping mute is the cause of the hurtful feeling you feel now.

      Secondly, your hubby isn't loyal to you cos if he could just stand and keep mute while his mother attacks you verbally, then there isn't any form of loyalty whatsoever between you two....so you guys should sit and also have a long conversation on that as well....

      Madam, marriage isn't a bed of roses....rather, a school of learning....along the way, you will see some weeds and thorns on the roses, but it's your place to remove every weed and try to break off the thorns as well....that's how you enjoy your marriage....

      Packing and leaving your matrimonial home and hubby based this isn't gonna give you the closure you want....and trust me all you want is closure....stop carrying things in mind against your hubby....communication and loyalty is the key here....

      I wish you well as you make the right decision of staying and working things out with him....#StayWoke

      Delete
    10. Poster remain with that man and watch him manipulate you some more

      You better leave him and his mum
      Go out there and breathe

      Glad your situation flipped

      Don't mind all these perfect manipulators turn preachers
      Eg Anon 1640

      Delete
    11. “Write the vision. Make it plain upon tables, that he may run that readeth it”. Your story made this verse pop up in my mind.
      Let me just write down the summary of marriage, it’s an institution of offending and forgiving. Over and over and over till death.
      Marriage is work. If you are bouncing out because you are hurt, more so as a result of zero communication, chances are you will repeat same thing in the next marriage. Your next husband will say or do something that cuts deep and you’ll keep quiet and hate him. Then eventually leave.
      Immediately your spouse offends, say it out. Now it’s different if after you have communicated your feelings and they are ignored.
      Forgive your husband. Tell him how a resolution should play out, and build from there. Learn go let go of things cos he’s bound to offend you again. Soon. That’s marriage. A freaking roller coaster.

      Delete
    12. When it was the Chronicle of the bay husband. All of una hala stay .pray that us his flaw..now see this man ..bad mouth ..poster did not include cheating..and maybe he is remorseful..una hala...waka....


      Poster I say do you biko...or follow Stella's asvice..me I don tire sef

      Delete
    13. A wife said resents her hubby to the point of hatred. He's mean to her, let his mother insult her, her mother and the fact that she's a widow, he let her take the blame and unprintable insults for not having kids early, he has esteem issues to the extent that she lied about her salary and other things, this same uncaring man isolated and cut her off from friends etc. And so.e people are still chastising those advising her to leave. If she one day kills him due to the hatred she has grown to feel for him, you people will be the same people saying why didn't she walk? Poster, please do what is best for you and what your heart can take. If still feel that much disgust and hatred for him, it is understandable and you can leave. My husband is not a perfect man at all but he hasn't done half of what you've described up there and he hasn't abandoned me in the middle of wrongful persecution either. You're the one who knew where your shoe hurts.

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    14. You people here are just so stupid and so quick to tell women to leave their home, like you will take such advice if you're in such situations.
      Awon da bi mo se da.

      Poster, just try and settle things with your husband. You love each other before now and you can rekindle the love all over again..
      Cheers.

      Delete
    15. If it's a rich gay man, blog visitors will say STAY, don't move anywhere. If it's a straight man who is just not tactful, blog visitors will say RUN, DIVORCE him. Stella, your blog visitors are witches, walahi!

      Delete
    16. WALK AWAY SIS!

      THAT MAN WILL NEVER BE HAPPY FOR, AND WILL BE INTIMIDATED BY ANY OF YOUR SUCCESS.

      Move it!

      Delete
  2. There was no courtship in this relationship. what did you agree with him about having kids or there was no discussions?
    This is the tragedy of having a sex riddled dating and nothing more. Both of you seems to be singing different keys entirely and that is the bane of many a woman in NIgeria.

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    Replies
    1. Sex riddled dating, kwa? You didn't read where she said she married as a virgin?

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    2. Some men present a different face during courtship then change after marriage.

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    3. Annon 3.04, did you read this post at all? Or you didn't understand the part where she stated that she was a V till she got married? When they call us lazy now we will start vexing

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    4. Sex riddled dating? Did you not read where she married a Virgin? Some of you are so fixated on sex on who is or who isn't doing it that you become damn idiots.

      Delete
    5. Frothing at the mouth and barely skimming thru the story so you can quickly judge and condemn. Did u read that she was a virgin till marriage? And why do people like you think virgins make the best partners and therefore fantastic marital bliss? Good marriages are built on the grace and mercy of God as well as mutual hard work and consideration of both partners. I got married as a virgin by the way.

      Delete
    6. Poster if you can't forgive him abeeg take a walk and never look back. That's why my people say words cut deeper than sword. He's forming lovey lovey bcos you're now earning well,so what happen if you lose your job(God forbid that for you)? He will change again okwaya? Your husband love towards you is not real,it is superficial. His love is directly proportional to what you can bring to the table. He's a very very wicked man. I repeat if you can't forgive him dust yourself up and take a walk. God hates divorce not divorcées. The joke is now on him.

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    7. Get pregnant outside mk him blv d babe is his.... Vengeance

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    8. 16:14 you obviously did not read well before vomiting the rubbish u wrote here..she seems a liar cos she dey fear you abi? So you think if her husband had treated her nicely or been understanding concerning his not ready to have kids yet she would have been traumatised by his actions? Why let his mum think the worst of his wife?. Only a fool will not see that the guy is sober now cos he is broke. U expect women to tolerate all bullshit from men and not react cos they are the only ones who must keep sacrificing in marriage. Poster if you no longer love him move on. Except you are sure he has really changed then try if not better part ways now no child binds you

      Delete
  3. It takes God to heal your heart and enable you love this man again.
    Ask for His help.
    Seek His face concerning this matter and He will answer you.

    Meanwhile, your husband has to write his wrongs.
    He has to clear your name from you MIL and say the truth.
    He has to woo you back all over, until you fall inlove with him again.
    Hope he is ready to.
    If you need to stay apart for a while to clear your head and heal, kindly do so.

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  4. I'll suggest you forgive him, give him a second chance if you still love him enough to build a home with him, he should clear your name with his mum too.

    Also, be discreet with your finances with him since he gets intimidated by it. Please don't be in a haste to divorce him. I wish you all the best.

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  5. Stella i think that man is sober because he has lost his job and his wife now has money, radarada. my dear i think you deserve better, someone that will love you genuinely, thank God you dont have a child for him yet. amo iru won😒😌

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    Replies
    1. Exactly! He's humble cos of his work situation. And cos she now has a job, wants to use a child to trap her - he knows Nigerians will tell her to manage if she has children. Even if he felt he wasn't ready to have children before, there's a way to tell a wife. The man is wicked; doesn't want to have children out of love or to extend family line, but to trap her. He doesn't even feel for the children he's about to bring into the toxicity he has created. Then, he's also cut her off from her friends - isolation. Tactic of an abuser.

      Original poster, if you're reading this - your situation is a domestic violence case waiting to happen.

      Delete
    2. My exact thought too. It's only broke men that are humble. Now that she's working and earning, something he never saw her doing, he's now forming love crier. Weakling.

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    3. 3.10pm, you are so right. He's sober only temporarily. His default mean character will resurrect.

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    4. You have all said it all. He wants to trap her. Only broke men are humble.

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    5. Exactly I think this poster''s husband is only sober because he doesn't have money. Personally I smell domestic abuse. He is abusing you poster emotionally. He warned you to stop collecting money from your mum, stopped you from having friends, it's only a matter of time before he stops you from contacting your mother, and that will happen when you have kids. His excuse then will be take care of the children.the signs are there. Research what domestic abuse/voilence is and you will see some signs that are similar to your situation. And
      If you are honest with yourself, the number of things you hide from him is more than what you tell him. You might not even be free with him ( is that then a marriage). If you haven't opened up to your mum, please do so quickly before its too late.

      This guy will trap you and you won't have the opportunity to call for help. Remember you are the only child of your mother. Don't let her mourn you in her old age.

      It doesn't even help your case that his family especially his mum are abusive towards you. If his behaviour gets worse then there's no one from his family you can report him to that will see and address his errors correctly. They will support him and make your life hell.

      Lastly poster please seek the face of God. His will is not for you to suffer In marriage. Marriage even will all its hardship is to be enjoyed, it's for both partners to support and help each other. You are probably already living like a prisoner. Check your heart well, think clearly because once he starts to earn better money and he discovers all your lies he will treat you worse. There are still Godly men out there dont be deceived with all this talks of husband don finish for outside.

      May God help you. Please search your heart and make the right decision. Forgiving him doesn't also mean you should endure rubbish all in the name of love. This one no be correct man. Na horseband not husband.

      Delete
  6. Babe pls forgive him, think of the good times uguys has together nd yes he has to go explain to his mum, starting from d fact that he married u a virgin nd didn’t want kids initially, pls forgive him

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  7. My dear please forgive him, it's even better to have all your kids for one man than remarrying and having kids for different men, who knows what you might encounter in the new marriage, what if the new man does not want to see you first child?

    One thing I noticed from your write up about your man is, he's too selfish and money conscious, just continue hiding your finances from him, but my greatest fear is, if care is not taken, you might eventually divorce even after having another child




    *Larry was here*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hanty go back and read again, but this time try to understand before commenting.

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    2. Larry you hit the nails on the head......

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    3. Mama ada which nail.did she hit?

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    4. Starry Larry. That you statement about its better to have all your children for one man is what keeps a lot of women in abusive relationship. Simply because they don't want world people to be counting baby daddy for them. Isn't it better for her to leave now that there's no child before things gets worse.

      Delete
  8. Stupid man! Remorseful because no money again..

    Madam, follow your mind

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  9. Hmmmm, marriage is hard work.

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  10. I pray that God will send you your true husband. This is #OneChance you've entered and deep down, you know it.

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  11. If your husband make things right, starting with his mother.
    Please, dump him like a bad habit.
    If your husband still can't let you have friends,
    Dump him like a bad habit.
    Sorry to say, your husband is inhumane, and wicked.
    But, taking look at his mum, you know where he learnt from.
    If he doesnt make things right with his mum, that is, tell her the truth, what he said and why you are not pregnant, also tell her to stop talking down to you,
    Please my dear, dont reconcile.
    If he does all this.
    Find it in your heart and forgive him.

    d.

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  12. THROW THE WHOLE DAMN FAMILY AWAY! THE MAN AND HIS MOTHER.

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  13. Poster, your story is so saddening. Your husband sounds too greedy and driven by money than anything else. Don’t bring a child into that environment. He is the type that will oblige you to pay your children’s school fees and share rent payment with him and still want to claim “head of the household” and demand respect....that is where men of nowadays are getting it wrong.
    Since therapy is not helping matters, it is best to leave.

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    Replies
    1. Dear Poster, your husband now wants kids desperately cause he is threatened you will leave him and feels he can tie you down when you have a baby for him.You said it yourself that he has inferiority complex where money is concerned. And for allowing his mother pile insults on you when he knows the reason for your not being a mother yet is evil.

      Delete
  14. Im wondering... how good are therapists in Nigeria sef? or maybe poster doesnt live here... Anyway, I think you need some space from him for now... Try separation first for three to six months, see if you still wanna continue with the marriage, if not, please take a walk, dont settle... Thank God kids re not involved, just yet... All the best dear

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    Replies
    1. I follow you wonder too! I need to see a good one in Abuja, BVs any recommendation, please?

      Delete
  15. I'm very sorry as this hits very very close to home. I think you should move on. He is not a good man. Period. Full stop. End of story

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  16. Please you have seen his true colors. Move on with your life. That man does not love you.

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  17. Do whatever your minds tells you.I wish you the best.

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  18. a separation should come before divorce. You both will have a chance to truly reflect on what you mean to each other. It will also show him that you can walk away, survive and thrive without him.
    If you eventually reconcile after that, your marriage will be stronger with more respect for your feelings-which is currently lacking right now. if it leads to divorce, then so be it. I wish you the best.

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    Replies
    1. Well said sis. Poster please take this advise.

      Delete
  19. Let go of the offences, both of you should see a good and godly marriage counsellor cos your husband needs to work on himself also, for your finances don't open up all to him, after giving birth do things in the name of your kids and write your will, not because you are dying but people can be dangerous

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  20. Your husband is a very selfish man...He's only remorseful because you have something doing .
    If you forgive me then do but if you can't then just move on with your life

    ReplyDelete
  21. This story shock me. What kind of man is this your husband. He is so myopic in his thinking. It seems like love varnished out of your marriage the moment he felt he was the only one contributing financially in this marriage. He must be a bitter person for him to have made that statement. He is a pretender. Anyway since they said marriage is for better for worse, then there is room for forgiveness, you both can work it out. But always remember he will still make nasty & demeaning statement when faced with any challenge in future, so get ready to ignore & forgive. It is bad mouth, unforgiving spirit & forcing opinion on wife that spoilt marriage of old couple that I know. Marriage of over 29 yrs. The wife got tired & left when their children were all grown.
    Again if you can't deal then take your walk. All the best.

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  22. My Dear just walk away such men are toxic find a New man rich or poor he will make u happy that your husband is a gone case if u decide to have kids with him he might turn them against u

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    Replies
    1. My dear, sometimes the grass is not greener on the other side, this one u know, forgive and move on, do u know what the next one will bring, yes he is humble bcos he has been demoted but God does things to humble people n make them better than what they were before. He was afraid of carrying the responsibility alone which wasnt a good idea but he may had been wrongly advised. Biko, ejor, please my darling forgive him and build a home with him, u are already a wise lady to keep some funds and information to yourself, continue and support the family too. Biko, whether the next one will be more callous u dont know, not easy to start afresh nor find a good man, they are very very scarce. His mother should back off but still respect her and forgive her too, have children for your mum who wants one and is willing to take care of the child from her actions towards you, pls meet her secret heart desire, my darling pls

      Delete
    2. So when a man is afraid the only or perhaps the best way to express his fear is to start using vile words bah

      Stop the manipulation with you don't know what blah blah blah

      So she can't give her mom grandkids except it's with this guy that used his own hands to tear down the love she had for him?

      As you done go deactivate other preeks for town Abi?

      Poster do whatever makes you feel free and better as your nickname is not suffer head

      Delete
  23. Poster, please forgive him

    Make sure you ask him to explain everything to his mother so you can clear your name.

    You made a wise decision by keeping your finances away from him

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  24. @Stella
    Nice yarn you gather there. All them sisi wey dey say make she waka na bittrleaf naija sisis wet full here

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  25. I read this story on FB n it had more than 200 comments. U still posted it here. Anyway separate from him for sometime n see how things go.

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  26. Leave the marriage*guys like that don’t ever change**Him getting intimidated when he knows you have more than him is enough to walk away*

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  27. Please forgive him. You held onto the resentment for too long and such resentment actually make things worse. Please approach therapy with an open mind and watch how different the outcome would be. You can take a break or a vacation to clear your head away from him. But please don't divorce him just like your mum adviced.

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  28. I am a psychologist and I can tell you for a fact that man is only sober because he has been demoted at work. Your huskies support be your confidant, your best friend, your ride or die and not being down your self esteem or make you feel bad. Please leave that Martian’s stop thinking about what people will say. Get a divorce, focus on yourself and work and the right man will definitely come along. Life is too short to be miserable. I wish people would start living life for themselves. All the best dear.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you. The heart of man is wicked no one can know it!!!!! He won't change he will only adjust

      Delete
  29. Hmm. This is tricky. I would have said you should forgive him if his actions had been more positive. Yes you've been for counselling but talk is cheap. The hard work is to start undoing all the damage by speaking to his mum in your presence about how everything was his fault to begin with. Oga is only humble because he is broke and he wants to tie you down with a child. I think you should do what makes you happy but i would personally take a walk.

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  30. I don’t think you should forgive him. A man you can’t even be honest about with money. You have to lie about your income because he will be intimidated? A man whose mother was so horrible to you because you had kids children yet, it was his fault and he said nothing I. Your defense, he sounds like a horrible man who doesn’t deserve you. You sound lovely and smart and raised by a wonderful woman. Leave now while it’s still easy because there are no children involved. My two cents. Find someone who deserves you. This man will make you regret forgiving him later. His personality is wicked. Follow your instincts, they are there to guide you.

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  31. Having read the unedited story in the Spontaneous Post this Morning, what your husband did was bad, which has distanced your emotionally from him. It's now like living with a stranger who does not have your interest at heart. This love/marriage is too young to have gone sour so soon....

    Like your mom advised, try separation and during this time, try to put your self together as regards to what you really want. Marriage is not easy, neither is divorce., infact life is a daily struggle but we choose to win and stay winning.

    After your TIMED period of separation if you two decided to continue on this journey, then take your time and court afresh, bringing all factors(money, sex, masturbation, number of children etc) to the table. Also have an indifferent/impartial therapist go through these factors and decisions with you and your husband.
    Also remember that life/relationship is all about compromise. Both of you should be willing to make positive changes for your desired future. Best Regards.

    ...Phenomenal.

    ReplyDelete
  32. The only reason your husband is interested in you is because he feels that you are now useful to him. Him telling you that he is not interested in having a child with you unless you get a job is to give him the freedom to be able to dump you without any strings, if you end up being a burden to him. He wants a child now as a means of tying you down to him now that you are financially empowered. A man that can not protect you from attack from his people does not care for you not to talk of love. Its OK to forgive him as that will give you peace of mind but be wise. Madam follow your mind. Ground no level for where ya husband dey.

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    Replies
    1. He’s trying to rope her in so he can gain her trust, take advantage of her money and abuse her even more when she’s down and out, classic abuser tactics but trust people to advise her to forgive and trust someone that has shown no traits of being a good person

      Delete
  33. First thing u need now is to go on ur knees and pour ur hurt to God.my dear nothing God can not do.there is a song that sings Jesus go with me.i can not go alone.jesus go with me I can not go alone.the road is very rough and full of many dangers.jesus go with me.i can not go alone.tell God to help u genuinly forgive ur husband.marriage is made of two forgivers.
    If there is another thing I have learnt in marriage don't take the blame for ur husband esp when it has to do with his people.he can even join them to bad mouth u and u will not know.so there and then u would have told his mom the solution lies in his hands.why do couples hide finances.here I blame ur hubby.when ur spouse is trying to be transparent with u;u should encourage it.now first step forgive Him..when devil tries to remind u rebuke it.people married more than thirty years had their up's ND downs.then spend quality time him but If u feel choked with no kids try to get some air;u can visit,spend some days in a hotel etc .make conscious effort to see his good side;his struggles.start from there.but this to me Is is not enough to divorce him.even sometimes in marriage u feel choked and need space.my dear pls try loving him again.dont allow u can stand on ur own financialy get to u.esp when u know ur mom will Las Las support u cos u are all she has got.....

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    Replies
    1. All the women in long term abusive Nigerian marriages have they not prayed and fasted enough? Abeg

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    2. Tenth this your advise miss road o

      Or did she say that she forgot about God's existence when things were difficult for her?

      Now don't your advise waste away

      I will recommend it to her wicked husband

      Love ti ku finish finish

      Poster take a long walk
      Misery is not your surname

      Delete
  34. The decision is yours to make, if you don't love him again as you said please walk again instead of staying with him and loving or making out other another man .it will be very bad,so please do what pleases you. Stupid and rubbish men everywhere mtcheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew

    ReplyDelete
  35. Of what use is a husband that cannot stand up for his wife? A man that will allow his family bash and insult the wife and carry false news about her. Similar story to mine. I have lost interest and hatred for them all has set in. I will first revenge and hit them so hard before I know the next line of action.

    ReplyDelete
  36. My dear writer,
    You never dated anyone before this marriage, which is a good thing dont get me wrong. But experience will teach you that people will say outright mean things to you in relationships, even in friendship, doesn't mean they dont love you.
    Even if you leave this marriage, you must learn how to forgive. It is paramount to any successful relationship or marriage. He is remorseful, and going to counseling with you my dear it is time to forgive.
    Those are just words in which if he had gently and persuasively said those words it wont have hurt the way it did.
    Forgive.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's not what he said. It's what he did. He watched her crave a kid for a year and he didn't budge. Someone that can deny you a child for no good reason is not a good person. Leave matter

      Delete
  37. This is just the case of a man with an oversized, about-to-spill-all-over-the-place, overbloated Ego, with a terrible home training.

    The bane of his problem is glaringly showcased in his mum's speech.
    Since he listened to you once before, why not have a heart to heart talk with him, describing the intensity and gravity of his words and action towards you all along, and suggest he goes to therapy with you?

    You have been getting therapy while leaving behind the bag of trouble at home. See if he is open to counseling. There are so many dysfunctional men, covered in good looks and good clothes all over the place.

    Take Stella's advice of talking to the mum and seeking an apology, only after all the missing plugs in his fuse box have been replaced.
    His is a fundamental issue, and until it is dealt with from the root, his inner demons have free work permit to show up and dance zanku on a perpetual codeine diet anytime the AC is off.

    All the best poster.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lmaooooo @ free work permit and your last paragraph. So funny.

      Delete
  38. Just Imagine the trash a supposed mother said to a human being and woman for that matter. Some people are stupidly insensitive. Poster, only you truly know the situation of things with your husband. Try a separation first and see how things go, if you can forgive him fine. I just wonder how you will forgive that insensitive mother in law of yours. Weak man that cannot defend his wife. Sorry jare poster, please continue hiding your money biko

    ReplyDelete
  39. My dear, Its sad that you are going through this. For this marriage to work, you must both be in love with each other, although there's more to marriage than just love.
    If you can cast your mind back to the loving man you once met and married, when you had them butterflies in your stomach, maybe that can rekindle the love and mend the broken relationship.
    I wonder why people will come here and just say "waka" , take your time and properly analyze the situation before you take a step you might end up regretting.
    Just as Stella said, he must go back to his family and explain all to them, you deserve an apology(a real one) from them.
    Do all you can to make it work if you still love him. If you try and it still doesn't work, then take a walk. Goodluck

    ReplyDelete
  40. If u both love each other, i'll advice u plan and have children

    ReplyDelete
  41. Hmmmm. You took a lot gaskiya. Why is he now crying? I know the situation of his work is the reason for his humility. When he bounces back financially, he will go back to his default settings. Do what gives you peace of mind madam.

    ReplyDelete
  42. Money will always show you the true nature of a person. It's his humiliation at being demoted and no longer can Lord over you that is talking now. If deep in your heart you cannot deal with him then by all means part ways. As an only child that you are I can understand the deep desire you had to start a family immediately and have many children. However, his statement was a blessing in disguise, you got work, and you are able to grow personal wealth at a time when so many are suffering. If you had gotten pregnant when he got demoted maybe your money in the bank would be all done by now. Continue to grow your wealth and look for a small piece of land, condo or house to purchase so you have other assets to your name. Many ppl will disagree with what I am about to say, but you should have given his mother fire when she opened her beak to insult your mother. Never let anyone insult your mother and you sit and take it forming humble and good girl, you tell her where to shove her opinion and take her Satanic ass and crawl back up into Satan's asshole that she dropped out of. Imagine your mother a widow who has gone above and beyond to see you through life and this demonic woman should speak against her like that. Don't wait for no husband to defend you, defend your mother always and don't give af about anyone's feeling. If you want to move on move on. Sometimes these mofos and their witch azz mommas need to know they didn't do you any favors by marrying you, it is you who are doing them the favor. Bout curvy body and fashion, bitch is just jealous her box shaped ass don't look good in anything.. Mtschhw.

    ReplyDelete
  43. 1. he married you because you’re hot and because you’re “humble” ie easily mistreated and meek
    2. He gets easily intimidated and was turned on by the fact that you were unemployed and he could lord it over you
    3. When men allow their mums insult their spouses it’s because they enjoy the abuse and use their mothers to abuse their wives by proxy
    4. You not having a baby yet could be a sign that you should free that marriage. You’re literally being given so many chances to depart from that abusive situation
    5. Marriages that last long are often not necessarily good marriages. Just marriages where the wife endures
    6. Don’t be surprised that when you have children he will make you quit your job and use your unemployment to punish you for the time you had more money than him. By then society will make you stay with him “because of the children”.
    7. Your mum is encouraging you to stay because single mothers need to prove to society that they can raise good daughters due to negative stereotypes

    He may not love you, but love the control he has over you and the image you give him. He’s a terrible person and bully by nature who needs to make those around him feel bad for him to feel good. He’s looking for how to rope you in and oh girl he will so punish you when you’re at your most vulnerable eg when you’re pregnant or nursing. You’re a beautiful successful woman with a good (ie virgin) image and deep down he thinks you’re too good for him. He needs you but somewhat hates and is jealous of you which is why he doesn’t want you to have money but doesn’t want anyone else to give you money.

    Everyone saying forgive here would tell him to get rid of you if the roles were reveresed. We make it seem like husbands are scarce but no one gets remarried faster than women who have been married before. Daisy danjuma, the woman on this blog that married 4 times, Clarion chukwura etc. Husbands are not scarce. It’s women with self esteem that are.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anon 16:47 your head is too correct!! You are a very wise somebody! I’ll copy this advice and keep going back to it cos I have someone who is in this situation. Your words are wisdom!!!

      Delete
    2. Spot on! Especially that number 3

      Delete
    3. Anon 16:47, you are not far from the truth. I think this marriage has more problems than the way he talked about your job before a child.
      My personal opinion is that he is a very controlling man and is only remorseful because he knows he will lose a lot if you leave him. He wants you to have a child now to hook you because you are successful in your career. First, he stopped you from having friends. Then, he didn't want your financial freedom through your mother (because of his ego). He probably thought you won't get a better job than him. I also think the resentment you had for what he said to you was your saving grace. If not for that, you would have been deceived by the love you have/had for him into not seeing what he truly is. I fear having a mother-in-law that not only thinks that of you and your mom, but is bold enough to say it out loud.As much as I can't advice you to leave or not, I will say you should evaluate things properly and make the best decision for YOU. I think it's all those other things that you didn't write in this post that is making you want to walk away. I pray God gives you wisdom. Open up to your mom completely, including the small details. She might understand better.
      If ever you both decide to work this out (hopefully after a trial separation), make sure he is on-board with the way you want your marriage to be going forward. If he has changed, he won't have a problem with that. Also ensure he knows you can walk out at anytime if he decides to be smart and act stupid.
      I wish you the best.

      Delete
  44. comment.message just wiped ..tired of retyping. .follow ur hrt..leave that lousy rout u call a husband,hi for someone who loves u for the real u..not a greedy ,selfish n foolish man.he doesn't know ur worth.he thinks virgins can't take a walk...in all u choose to do..follow ur heart..CHEERS

    ReplyDelete
  45. Poster if you know or want to give it a try again please let it be on your own terms, that man hurt you really bad and he needs to prove beyond reasonable doubts with action of course that he has changed. You better start keeping abi having friends, no man is an island,the same man that doesn't want having friends has plenty everywhere but wants to cage you, that should be in your list. If after you have given him your terms and conditions and he agrees and has shown actions den i will advise you give it a try but chill a little on kids so you see whether he has truly changed

    ReplyDelete
  46. I thought I have read this story before.

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  47. Beast of a man. Is he not supposed to take care of his family?... abeg u better walk away oo because he will start again.

    ReplyDelete
  48. Don't decide now. Let it dinner for a bit. Let it rest. Take your mind off it for now . Watch and try to enjoy your marriage. No kids for now. If your heart goes back to him then good. If still nothing then you'll move on. For now, don't do anything

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Pere!!!

      Thanks you Anon 1718

      No manipulation whatsoever in this your advise

      Delete
    2. Pere!!!

      Thanks you Anon 1718

      No manipulation whatsoever in this your advise

      Delete
  49. So I have made up my mind not to be bothered cos of a man. A man that can go that far.........deny his wife of the chance of getting pregnant is WICKED. He can kill. Better to flee from such a man

    ReplyDelete
  50. Hey baby girl, my candid advice, stick with the devil you know, you guys can talk things over. What assurance do u have that the other guy you eventually meet isn't even worse, there's no manual, no long or short rule to marriage, it's what you make of it that matters. Think about it, every man loves kids and he was only planning ahead, I feel like there's a communication gap, partly because you are angry he's taking side with his mum, and not saying a thing, which I totally understand, if possible, take him out you guys should plan and strategize together on way forward, but you also need to wear the dress of forgiveness and let go, remember two wrongs don't make a right. What makes you also think if had said I need a child immediately, it comes? Children are God's gift, they come naturally from God, not by mere words or the amount of times you wish for it. Baby girl you can do better, please try and make it work. Baby dust to you. Ps forget mum inlaw ooo, na old age they worry her lol.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Chief manipulator turned preacher i hail you o!

      Poster you dey see am so?

      Na only when man want something things go well

      So when you wanted children so badly it didn't matter and children weren't God's gift at that time?

      Poster better open your korokro eyes take see the huge pit wey dem wan dig for you

      Delete
  51. My dear if u can please forgive him.

    ReplyDelete
  52. Childrrn can bring back the bond in a marriage. Or you can try seperation and see if u miss him.

    ReplyDelete
  53. Even if you forgive him...please keep your finances to your self.
    He is only remorseful because life has humbled him. If he goes up again, the ready for part two. YOU CANT TRUST HIM!

    ReplyDelete
  54. My dear Poster,Sorry to say but your husband is toxic.Somebody that wouldn’t allow you have friends,why did you allow him confine you like that?whats all the rules and regulations for in your marriage?you think he has changed,sorry,he has not even started with you.I know people will say the devil you know is better than the angel you don’t know,never you believe this lie Cos you are going to leave a life of misery with him.I am not saying you shouldn’t fast and pray oooo,but for how long will you be going to the mountain to do that?as if life isn’t hard enough.am not saying you should leave your husband oo but you wear the Shoe and you know where it pinches.You are young and you have your whole life ahead of you.So you really want to spend the rest of your life with this man,in this toxic environment?Life is full of risks,if you do not take it,you will never know.The ball is in your court.

    ReplyDelete
  55. I think your husband's problem could be pride and ego and not an absolute lack of love for you. Maybe he was worried about his small earnings and was unsure about how he will sustain a family with his earnings . Maybe he was worried that he might not be able to care for children , perhaps because he thought that caring for a child could be difficult and very expensive. So rather than presenting it as his problem which could have hurt his manliness and ego, he decided to paint it as your problem. When all he should have done was talk to you sincerely about his fears and challenges.

    Maybe the noisy masturbation was to make you think he didn't need you. But that was disrespectful and rude. How long did he stay without sex before coming to you?

    Does he provide money for running the home? Does he buy you anything to show love and appreciation, Beyond these issues, does he show you love? Has he given you reasons in marriage to still believe that he loves you still?


    I feel sooooo hurt that I would ordinarily have loved you to move out,BUT THAT WOULD NOT BE RIGHT.

    Sometimes when we get closure and an understanding of why people behaved the way they did, it makes it easy for us to forgive and let go. Seek to understand why he acted the way he did. Ask him in all sincerity why he deprived you of sex, when he could have simply talked to you about his concerns and you guys would have taken the dignifying option of family planning / birth control.

    Ask him why he stood by and watched his mum blame you for not having children?

    Ask him why he watched his mum run you and you mum down.
    Ask him why he refused to shield you from his family /mum.


    Ask him why he couldn't be the head of his home and protect you.

    Ask him why he couldn't talk to you with respect and dignity and as a friend.

    He should explain himself please, don't allow him to just cry and say I am sorry, let him give you answers.

    After you have had an honest talk with him, and have understood why he acted the way he did, then you can make a decision about your marriage but not before then .


    NOTE: some men marry without an understanding of how to deal with issues maturely, some get that maturity before marriage. A few are Willing to learn in marriage, if yours is teachable, as hurtful as his actions are, please be patient with him, forgive and work towards mending your home.

    Be strong warrior sister, you will be fine.

    ReplyDelete
  56. Poster I understand ur pain, if u can forgive him pls do. Put it behind you and move on for the seek of ur mother not ur hubby. Some men tends to be humble when they are broke but once they get back on their feet they wl misbehave. I had/have a first hand experience. Pls be patient...

    ReplyDelete
  57. Are you seeing someone else already? Deal with the spirit of bitterness eating deep into your marriage. Forgive him and move on,but if you are having an affair and comparing him with your new "angel",that is a path of destruction. Don't make a decision that you will regret later.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What in that whole story indelicate that she’s having an affair. Or you’re implying that a person cannot become disinterested in a relationship unless there’s another one to comepare to? Or you mean the things the man has done (stayed in the post) is not enough for her to feel the way she is? Why are we women our worst enemies and judges? How did adultery enter this issue? You are not a good person

      Delete
  58. I trust myself, i cant collect blame wey no be my own lai lai. i will disgrace that husband in presence of his people if anyone dared me. na me one mother inlaw go run down on top her pikin fault? them never born them well

    ReplyDelete
  59. it doesn't seem like he is remorseful at all...
    are you sure he is not feeling down/humble because of his finances and salary palaver

    ReplyDelete
  60. To be fair poster, if you had a job and you were solely dependent on the income from your job and your husband did not have a job,would you be eager to have a child? Every single BV that has advised you today would tell you not to have a child till your husband gets a job. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM. No matter how desperate your husband is to have a child. As long as he doesn't have a job nobody would tell you to go ahead especially if to your knowledge(no side money) you are the only income earner. So it is very fair that he wanted you to have a job before children. I have no problem with that. You should have actually wanted that for yourself. Now about your mother still sending you upkeep. Again if the roles were reversed and you wrote to Stella to post your chronicle that your jobless husband was still receiving allowance from his parents but wants to have a child, BVs would be shocked! I know I would be. Most likely you would be advised to leave the marriage as you would be seen as permanently tying yourself to a loser in the name of marriage. Don't get it twisted, your husband was not wrong in wanting you to get a job and asking you to leave your mother to enjoy her money. However, I think you should leave because he is abusive emotionally and verbally and thats the worst of it. Letting his mother be condescending towards you is sickening and has the aura of more troubles in the future. He is a bully and the part that struck me was the isolation from friends. That's dangerous!

    But I must point out one thing I noticed in Nigerian women, they never have jobs till they have been abused or beat down in marriage. Why? The logical thing every adult should strive for is to be self sufficient by means of a job or business. Time and time again there is a recurrent theme of jobless until abused by spouse in the chronicles and even from small talks. Your husband most certainly was not wrong in that aspect and if the roles were reversed NOBODY would think you were asking for too much! The worrisome part is the verbal abuse from him especially how he said it and the insults from his mother. Anyway your call to make. I have dated a few Nigerian men and they aren't really that different. They are almost always intimidated when the woman is self sufficient and their extended famiies are always their priorities before their nuclear family. If you go on with yout divorce and you don't want the next man to be like this, be sure to date out. I can bet my left boob that all the BVs advising you have similar husbands. The men and women in that country are so extremely flawed when it comes to relationships and marriages. They measure marriage successs by the length, the amount of children and material wealth. If you go on to divorce, make sure you take time out to do some introspection and know that you also played a role in the demise of your marriage. I really can't imagine a jobless friend telling me she wants kids. I would certainly tell her to pause till she has a job. Both of you were and are the problem.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You have said it all.. sometimes, we need to look at things with positive lenses. Must we wait to hear the wrong things from the right people before we improve on ourselves?! The guy may have been extreme with his words but trust me, he didn’t say those things with the intention to hurt her.

      He probably said it like a military officer who tells his soldier he is a “shàege yaro” with no harm intended. Sadly, we can say things with no harm intended but cannot determine how the person we say it to interprets it.

      May God forgive our mouths.

      Delete
  61. This is why oyibo dey prefer dogs or cats rather than to have child or become family with certain kind of people. It is well.
    Please go & adopt child(ren) from orphanage, because ur biological kids witg him can attract extension of his contempt & hate against u.
    In that way u r safe with his non biological child, should he wake up 1 day to give u another stup1d condition.

    For me, I rather have dogs at home than to be a family with someone/ people who hate me.

    ReplyDelete
  62. Please i beg u madam, i honestly feel your pain. I think leaving d marriage is being too extreme. Please forgive him. I think he truly loves u. Sometimes people we love say d wrong things unknowingly. Please give it a thought

    ReplyDelete
  63. sometimes in life you let go of what people do to you.i have experienced the benefit of forgiving and letting go.those telling u to walk away are in more terrible marriage and are ready to swap places wit you.your husband is not a terrible man.mother inlaws will always have there opinion.the next man might be worst.SELAH

    ReplyDelete
  64. A lot of Oyinbos with cats and dogs couldn’t have kids or don’t want kids. Their cats and dogs cost them more money than kids. I had an oyinbo friend with 2 cats who said she spent $40k on surgeries as they aged before they eventually died. She tried for years before IVF became more successful to have kids but could not!

    The Animal Care industry is $billions from Pet Day Care to Dog Wash to snacks and vaccinations. If you don’t take care of your dog you could go to jail because of a dog or cat! It’s not the “Roro” security dog some people are used to. No one should wish to replace children with them!

    ReplyDelete
  65. @Poster your husband may have been going through stuff that made him insecure about his job! You mentioned he was demoted. It could be that he saw it coming and wanted to give your kids a good life hence his insistence on you getting a job.

    We need to ask our spouses how work is going. Some workplaces are hell and you can see the handwriting even before something happens. He failed to stand up for you with his mom. That’s the most rational way to analyse your hurt because you mentioned his demotion. Demotion doesn’t happen overnight!

    ReplyDelete
  66. Here is my bluntness, i had fears of bringing a child into this world without taking extra good care of him/her. I told my wife after first child that we are not having anymore kids until we move to the next step in terms of finance and she asked me why? I told her that i am scared of she suffering if anything happens to me tomorrow (google 5 common fears about fatherhood). She understands my point and we doubled our hustle. You were more concerned of how hurtful his words were and harboring them in your mind than finding out the reason behind those words.

    Most comments are about him wanting a baby because he is now demoted and doesn't have much money as before. Now, he is not even aware of your millions and the exact salary you earn then how is it money or ego abi pride. You are a very retaliatory person. You hid your millions because he said you should stop collecting from your mother but the trend is that you are of age and married, you should be giving her and not the other way round. The only way you can give her is to get a job. Your husband never abused you, all he wants is for you to be able to stand on your own when he is not there and be supportive. if he doesn't want you to have friends why then do he want you to get a job? Be wise.

    Lastly, you said you really want to have a baby but you are not sure you want it with him is that the level of the resentment or hope i am not smelling extra marital affairs. I am not going to tell you anything about the mother in-law because it is ignorable. Good luck in your decision. To be honest you are immature and inexperience...life will teach you starting with this your decision.

    ReplyDelete
  67. Poster, I will advice you to give your marriage another chance by forgiving him so you can move on with your life for your mum especially who wants kids. You can take some time away to clear your head before taking this route though so you are very sure you still feel something for him. The. When you are back he must first take you to his mother and explain the whole reason why you didn’t have kids on time. Also the Mum should apologize to you for all she said about your mum but please open your ears and heart, don’t never let anyone intimidate you emotionally nor financially. Have your kids, love your husband again but don’t let your guards down. If at all he wants to start his ways agin in the future tell him you are taking a walk and this time for good.

    ReplyDelete

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