Happy 15th Wedding Anniversary To Me...15 Unhappy Years - Blog Visitor Narrative.

I just finished talking with the poster of this on the phone and He is sitting some where alone having a drink and will be reading comments.

All names have been changed in this story for obvious reasons.It is a long but very interesting read and all i want to ask you poster is ......WAS SHE RAPED?she seems to have closed the door from pain.

The fact is that reading peoples experience in your DV Diary made me reflect on my marriage a lot and have often called my wife to ask if she thinks she is in an "abusive marriage"! She insists she is not yet our marriage is not getting any better.

Today will mark my 15^th year of marriage and in retrospect it has been one hell of a 15 year ride. This morning I pleaded with my wife:  

“Kufre, please do me a favour”, I said to her.  She turned to me and said

 “What favour?” and I replied 

“Please darling could you please try and cover up your body a bit more when you are around me and when you sleep, It’s blood I have running through my veins and not water, you know?” 

Of cause her reply as has been to everything I ask from her lately was: 

“Why”. 

I will get to the reason why I made this request from my wife of 15 years.

 When couples celebrate marriage milestones, it is often times not all praise, celebration and happiness as they make everyone believe. It is almost always just numbers and years of “How we go do”. While they make so much noise of love, patience, commitment and all, only they know the truth of their stories.

I married the Woman of my Dreams but through the years I have become more and more convinced that I am not really my wife’s Dream Man. Yes she agreed to marry me but I doubt now if she had a choice if she would have.

 I met my wife 26 years ago; we were both 19 years old then.  Though she was 3 levels above me in the university, for me it was love at first sight and I never could get her out of my mind from that first encounter till date. Back then in school, Kufre was a beauty to behold and still is till date. In her mi- forties today she is still a stunner.  

I was the envy of my friends back then in the university and today I still remain the envy of everyone both in my neighborhood and amongst friends and colleagues that know us. Her beauty radiates and glows, Kufre is effortlessly beautiful. Very few women can bring a candle near her; she is tall, elegant, very proportionately endowed. Clothes seat on her like her body was molded for a goddess. 

Back then in the University students and lecturers lust after her like he-goats on a heat; yes, she elicits that much bestiality in men. The intriguing fact in all these is that she seems so so unaware of her mesmerizing effect on men.   After 4 lovely children her body is still in a wowing shape. Her nipples still stand and pop like that of a 20 year old maiden, sometimes I ask myself: “why wouldn’t they stand firm” when she never allows me touch or suckle them!  

Her naivety till date is annoyingly sobering. Her humility and un-assuming posture to life is awesome but my dear, Kufre has the heart and hand of STEEL.  She is unwavering and very firm in whatever she believes in or sets her mind to do. Nothing stands in her way and once she’s taken a decision; forget trying to make her change it.

I recall in our university days, one of her lecturers was so bent on sleeping with her that he made life hell for her, yet she didn’t budge. She was so resolute that the lecturer kept failing her semester after semester. She ended up spending 2 extra years in the university and never passed that course until a different lecturer was assigned the course before she could graduate. This episode and a few other earlier incidences heralded the beginning of our “Off & On” platonic relationship that began in the university until we got married 11 years later. 

Not that in all of these 11 years I made efforts to get intimate with Kufre, of course I did times without number, but that became the source of constant quarrels between us. In the first 3 years before she graduated, sex was a no no! Initially I didn’t mind, believing it will change once she realizes how much I loved her but it never did. As we got closer and closer it became very obvious that she was not shifting ground at all, yet I was stuck. 

I was intrigued by this beautiful lady, whom everyone wanted and desired, who could get anything she wanted from any man yet she abstained from sex and kept herself intact. Guys in school couldn’t understand what it was with her, many tried and failed yet there I was always with her. We became an article in school, an inspiration to a lot of guys about how level/year of study had nothing to do with love and relationship in school. But alas, no one knew what I was going through. Everyone was convinced we were dating fully and very intimate but “my guy” NOTHING for me ohh!

The status quo never changed and she graduated after 3 years of sexless affair. I was to meet Kufre 5 years later when I went back to my Alma-Ata to run a one year program and coincidentally she had come to the University to collect the originals of her degree certificate. It was like we never parted ways, the 5 year silence seemed like just 5 minutes and all the love I felt for her the first day I set eyes on her 8 years ago came flooding back into my whole body! That day I convinced her not to travel back to her station so we could really talk and play catch up on each other’s life. She agreed and came to spend time with me in my off-campus accommodation. 

That night after dinner knowing her very well I simply bade her good night and went to sleep in a friend’s room leaving her to sleep alone in my room while her driver slept in her car. In the 5 years since we were apart, she was never able to sustain any relationship as the guys all bailed out after fruitlessly trying to have sex and she, adamantly refusing. 

The next day she left back for her station and we promised to keep in touch even though at that point I was an unemployed post graduate student and she, a 28 year old ravishingly beautiful, and independent working class woman without a man of her own.

I must say after that encounter for a few days I toyed with the idea of having her one day for a wife. That though vanished over time as I faced the vagaries of everyday life hustle of an unemployed youth. I was to meet Kufre again one year later when by divine benevolence I landed a contract job with a multinational company and I was posted to the same city as Kufre was living. On my very first night in that city I went in search of Kufre and there started this journey!

Need I say it? Kufre and I got married 15 months after that night when I went in search of her; we were both 31 years old. Everyone who knew us agreed that, in did ours was one “great love affair”. Exactly 11 years after that chance meeting in the four walls of the university. Our families and friends were all in agreement that nothing more could have been more right. They came from far and near.

Signs of trouble had always been there but I guess then I chose to ignore them and I was blinded by my obsession. Now that I look back I keep wondering why I never asked deeper questions into “Why she had remained unmarried despite her beauty, independence, humility and modesty?” 

I was sure it was God’s plan for us to be “man and wife”. Our first night after the traditional marriage Kufre insisted on going back to her own 2 bed-room flat instead of my newly rented 2 bed-bedroom apartment. Her reason was that we were not properly married yet as to her the White Wedding (which was 7 days away) is the truly recognized marriage by God and so she couldn’t sleep with me until after that. I was aghast! I could not believe what I was hearing, it took pleading and a little treat and the fact that I didn’t know how I will explain to my relatives  especially my mum (who were still around in my house) that my newly married wife wasn’t going to sleep in my own house but rather her own house. After a lot of argument and pleading she eventually followed me to my own apartment but of cause there was no sex!

Dear Blog visitors. I couldn’t wait for the White Wedding to come and go so I can start “eating” this apple that I have hungered for, for 11 years. Alas finally the Wedding day was here and it went smoothly. Fast forward to the Wedding night, nothing really spectacular, the much longed for sex just happened in a flash and we were too tired to even try a second helping.  I must say we were both fagged out from all the running around for the wedding, I more so because I virtually took care of everything from arranging the caterers, logistics, venue, entertainment right down to even buying cooking ingredients. Kufre all through this preparation never showed any keen interest in anything. It wasn’t like she wasn’t excited about the coming wedding but she just seems so naive and indifferent assuming that I will simply handle everything.  And seriously, I did. I never minded I was more excited and eager to get this over with so I can settle down to “chopping” this elusive beautiful lady that I have finally garnered to myself alone.

Right from the second day of our married life “sex” became a problem in our home. When we go to bed at night a gulf always existed between us on the bed. She clings to one extreme end of the bed while I struggle to bridge the gulf. For Kufre sex was and is a chore, it scared the living day light out of her. In bed, during sex, she freezes! Her limbs go stiff and frigid. My fingers on her skin is to her like tongs, she cringes at my touch;  Kissing her is like trying to pries a spanner open (clenched teeth) and penetrating into her is like trying to put ones dick into a clenched fist. 

It was always a struggle and at the end of this struggle I come pre-maturely most times while even struggling to penetrate. This went on like this for the first few months of the marriage despite the fact that we kept trying to make love. Initially I was very frustrated but I kept making excuses for her considering she had not had a regular sex life. Funny enough this didn’t mean that she turned out a virgin at the wedding night! There was nothing I did not try, I initiated oral sex occasionally but that was a taboo for her, a few times she tried giving me a “blow job” but she did it so disgustedly that I made her a promise never to make her go through it again.

Slowly and gradually the months crept on and she was not taking in, she started thawing down. After the first year and still no pregnancy her loathing for sex reduced and she became a little bit more tolerant of sex but it remained strictly a chore, which had to be scheduled, planned, wooed, she’s got to be cajoled, start dropping hints early in the day and to say the least loveless sex. In one year of marriage, I never heard my wife moan or express any pleasure during sex. It was just what it is: SEX! She couldn’t  stand been kissed, her breasts are no go areas, I must never use my fingers because of germs and she feels it is wrong to stimulate the clitoris as it amounts to masturbation which is sinful in God’s eye. 

In the midst of this crazy frustrating sex life every other aspect of our marriage life started suffering. Kufre apparently had no idea of what marriage entails; fair enough she likes been married and in-fact revels in it but that is as far as her knowledge of marriage goes.  

To outsiders I was the envy of all; I had one of the most beautiful women about town. My career flourished, I got converted from a contract staff into a full staff with full benefits and money never became a problem. Kufre had her own personal car and just before we got married I had acquired one for myself as well, so it wasn’t as if I had “gold dug”. 4 months into our marriage she lost her job but our finances never wavered as my salary could carry both of us on comfortably. By the second year of marriage she became pregnant for our first baby. I was excited that despite the bad sex-life at least there is something positive to cheer about the marriage. But that pregnancy meant the end of sex for us. For the first 5 months we barely made love once as she was afraid she might have a miscarriage, it was hell for me. To cushion this I plunged myself into my job, grabbed every opportunity to travel out of town so I wouldn’t have to be faced with my dilemma. 

The entire period of the pregnancy was quite trying, I could count on my fingers the few times we had sex all through the nine months and finally she was delivered of our Daughter. I waited patiently for 3 months to attempt one of our loveless sexes and it was still like others in fact even worst because she had delivered via a C-Section. Seven months after she delivered we had our first and last physical fight till date. Your guess is as good as mine: it was about sex. In one of our loveless encounters I had gotten so frustrated that in anguish I lashed out at her and slapped her and! BOY did I get SLAPPED back!

In all of the remaining 13 years till date that SLAP had remained the only physical altercation we have had as a married couple. I have since found ways of getting about whatever frustrations I face in the marriage and am sure Kufre has found hers as well. Through the years I have gotten into affairs that have helped me cushion the effects of the sexual frustration, we have since had 3 more lovely children who are growing perfectly well not knowing the ordeal mummy and daddy are going through. Kufre has since always accused me of been unfaithful even though she has never caught me and in all due respect to her I keep them well away from her. I know people might want to judge me but I was almost losing my head. At some point I lost my self-confidence and believed I had a sexual dysfunction. 

Since most times in the struggle to make love I always ejaculate pre-maturely and never heard my wife moan talk-less of reach orgasm for one day. It took my first extra-marital affair to restore my self-confidence. For the first time in 3 years after I got married i heard a woman moan at my touch alone, kiss me passionately, allow me to caress her nipples, clitoris and generally give her a head and been given one as well. That first time with Ibiwari, my mistress became a turning point in my life. We made love like I have never experienced it before and for the first time in a long time a woman reached orgasm with me not once but twice in one round of love making; when I came that night I poured out all of my 14 years frustration with Kufre! This was how Ibiwari became my tonic and the only antidote to Kufre.

My life pattern changed with the entrance of Ibiwari into my life. I quickly got her a 2-bedroom apartment and spared no cost in furnishing it. Her apartment became my escape, my love nest; I picked her up from work every day and spent time with her till about 10:30 pm every day before going home. That is how I started coming home late every night, and of cause by the time I got home I would have been filled food wise and sex wise by IB. The earliest I got home was 11:30pm cos we both lived at extreme ends of town. My routine became as predictable as ever. Every week end I had one business or the other out of town. 

My relationship with Kufre sunk further deep into the abyss, she became more and more depressed and in fact more inaccessible. All my friends and relations even my mum knew Ibiwari; she was welcomed in my mum’s home anytime any day. Ibiwari became all my mother always wanted her Daughter-in-law to be, she took time out to visit my mum, shop for her, be her companion and all. Kufre never bothered about my mother, in-fact she never called nor visited her. Even when my mum came over to my house she often got very cold reception from Kufre, not just her but my brothers too; even though not out of malice or “bad-belle” but just because it is not in her nature to play “miss nice” or perhaps she wasn’t raised that way or taught. 

Kufre didn’t seem to be bothered with anyone, not even her own relations. She basically lived in exclusion, she had no friends, and she visited no one and no one visited her. She was a strange one.  Nothing mattered to her except her business which she had built up to an enviable level over time. The children went unkempt every day; cooking in the house was a big issue with Kufre, house- keeping is a no biggy with her. Even when she has maids, she wouldn’t know how to get them to keep the house clean and tidy or do any chores. I practically run the home and am the one to enforce discipline in the children as they seem to overwhelm her. For the days I get home early or I intend to stay home and play “daddy” with the kids; from the moment I stepped into the compound I start issuing (often times in anger I shout and everyone scampers away) out instructions to put things in order, the house is almost always in a complete mess.

 I sweep, wash the toilets, wash curtains, hang laundries, do the dishes and do everything to make me comfortable for those few hours I will be home. Kufre has never offered to do my laundries nor undies; I do them and sometimes do hers as well. This is a very big and lovely mansion I built to the envy of everyone yet my wife can’t seem to figure out how to make it a home or make the marriage work.

Years flew by and my marriage stabilized with Ibiwaris’ unknown help.  4 years of dating Ibiwari she got proposed to by her old Beau from her past. I must say I spared no cost in her marriage preparations I practically footed the bills. She and the husband relocated to the Middle East. I could not go back to my Pre-Ibiwari days so I had no choice but to search for a replacement and that is how I met Ronke. 

I will like you to know that in all of these years with Ibiwari and Ronke I never shirked my responsibilities at home, I provided for the family abundantly, Kufre had had 3 change of cars in a period of 10 years and she practically wrecks the cars beyond scrap each time! My family never lacked, neither does my extended family and Kufre’ s family as well. God blessed me exceedingly and has continued to bless me. 

In all these my love for Kufre never diminished one bit through all these affairs I still loved her and have never stopped having sex with her despite it’s apparent bareness, I have explored through the years ways of trying to make her enjoy sex since I have found out that the issue is not my making but her state of mind. I have actually offered for us to see a sex therapist or shrink together and she has constantly refused and insists nothing is wrong with her but that I like sex too much. 

I have researched and forwarded every publication I can find on sexual figidity to her to read with all the offered helps and solutions to no avail! Over the years our relationship has suffered so much battering and damage that I have severally asked her if she thinks she is in an “abusive marriage”. She insists the marriage is not “abusive” but that she is not happy and she knows that I am not happy either. 

She’s often accused me of been selfish, unfaithful and very manipulative. Our home is not what happy homes should be and I complain too much and nothing she does ever seem right in my eyes. I love my wife and cannot stand losing her but I am suffering and am afraid that the children have started noticing that things are not right with mummy and daddy.

Today after 15 years of marriage I have quit all the affairs am involved in and yet marital sex in my house is not any different from what it was in the first month of been married.  Lately it has gone from bad to worst. Sex in my house has trickled down to an occasional once or twice in a month precisely 3 days to her menstrual period (just 2 days) which is the only time I can elicit some desire in my wife.  Any time outside that “window” no Jupiter on earth will make Kufre part her legs! 40 days Lent period is a nightmare in my house every year because Kufre during fasting will never as much as allow me touch her talk less initiate sex. The most frustrating side of this whole drama is that every night I go through the ordeal of watching my wife’s NUDE beautifully sculpted body of goddess lye at the far end of the bed yet she is so untouchable. Any attempt for me to touch her means she wouldn’t near that bed until I fall asleep. So for peace to reign I endure the torture every night, “wank” the few times I get so so horny and other nights I keep my erect dick in check!

So this morning as she got up from bed after she turned down my early morning love advance (the weather was really cold, and wet this morning) I begged her to:Please Stop Sleeping Nude so I would not commit RAPE on Day!

Oya Blog Visitors make una advise me!