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Stelakuko@hotmail.com
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Monday, June 10, 2013

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE DIARY---Part 2

         
                                       




 This is a continuation of the original DOMESTIC VIOLENCE DIARY POST

PLEASE DO NOT TRY TO REPRODUCE THIS DIARY IN ANY FORM  WHATSOEVER WITHOUT PERMISSION....THIS IS THE PRIVATE LIVES OF WOMEN HURTING WHO HAVE COME HERE TO TELL THEIR STORIRS BECAUSE THEY TRUST ME.....THANK YOU.


Domestic violence (also known as Intimate partner violence) should not happen to anybody. Ever.....But it does - and when it does, there is help. Maybe you have lived with abuse, maybe it happened just once; maybe you work or live next to someone who is being abused right now. Whoever you are  read this post and know that you can speak up,get help and/or get out and save your life!


In this diary Real victims tell stories of emotional abuse/trauma and beatings beyond belief by their spouses.
its a shocking eye opener and it is time we begin to listen to these voices,act,speak,stand by them and help them.

There are too many life threatening cases of love gone sour.
sit back and read real life shocking experiences .If you are just seeing this Diary,please start from the part one to understand better.click on the link above

I want to help so If you read any of these stories and want to reach out or you want to be reached,please send me your number and i will make the connection.
My email is Stelakuko@hotmail.com

The original domestic violence post attracted a lot of attention and i got calls and private emails from people and organisations who wanted to help some of the victims but their stories were told under anonymous'.
if you need help or counselling,please mail me.
if you wanna reach out and help please contact me.







200 comments:

MS KAY said...

LEAVING part 3.....part one

I am skipping a large chunk of the diary to this final part.... Like I said the dairy represents my life during the 19 years I spent.....maybe people will learn from this and live.....

After he kicked us out... And all the drama that went with it, we came back....again..... You wonder why I kept coming back... And l would want you to read my earlier posts... Some factors had not been sorted... Finances being a major aspect...plus the fact that He is such a charismatic person that when he begs.... He goes all the way... This time round he brought extended family to come....wrote an undertaken that he will never hurt me.... Pledged love and all... And we got back again.

This 3rd time he became a menace... He now decided from the night we moved back in not to sleep with or beside me......no more beatings oh....but he used every tool he had in him to finish me... Used every resource and was never satisfied .... He now will bring all of us me and the children to the table and report their "useless mother" to them... He withdrew the whip and replaced it with words.....abuse....curses...financial and emotional starvation......called a meeting and told those present that he will never sleep with me again...(he said he didn't have a reason)... he claimed his business had gone bad....while mine now chose that time to flourish...that I am a witch....a power......that I want to bring him down.... (Yes I couldn't leave... He literarily came to re do his vows with me when he came to appeal to my parents, so how do I go back and say the wahala started from the night we moved back in)

This time however I got a visit from a very unique person....she was a pastors wife...and ironically he had told her I was part of his problems, so she came to see me .....and I was shocked at what she perceived and then I told her my story....she wept and then told me her case was worse....that the abuse was soo bad that till date she has a 35year old daughter who had refused to get married...that she prayed and fasted and prayed and God answered her....HOW.....HE DIED...she told me he died ....like a fowl...and then she was free from abuse....I told her immediately that I didn't want that kind of answer from God as I didn't want him dead...

MS KAY said...

leaving 3....part 2

The journey to leaving started in January of 2006 I was in England when my sister Brought. Visitor to see me...she was a pastor and also a victim of DV....she said God told her to tell me IT'S TIME...that I will understand what it meant...that he said HE WAS READY TO FREE ME FROM THE VIOLENT MAN... I wept and told her I didn't know how to leave...she then asked me to do some simple things from that point on...I won't go into the plan extensively for obvious reasons....my email is available through Stella for those who want to know... But part of it included, saving aggressively, and taking little steps daily towards the leaving ...it was a gradual process....but I remember she saying that when the time comes, everything will work together...all those my little steps...

On a certain day in June 2006... I left....finally.... And till today I remember how it happened ....I came in from work...it was dark.....and as I was going in I saw him all dressed in black ...asking me all sorts of questions ....I was shaking trembling and explaining,....worked late traffic on 3rd mainland bridge...and how I had been calling to let him know.....then NEPA struck....and he told the Guard not to turn the gen on....he then calmly told me the marriage is over ...and that I should just get into the car and drive...back to wherever I was coming from....I went on my knees asking for forgiveness.....it was really late and he calmly told me to leave.....he was speaking so quietly ...it was so spooky... I wanted to call my children to help me ....he then warned me....not to dare shout...and that he had sent everyone to bed...so it was just me and him.....he told me he had a gun and that he will not hesitate to shoot me and he will tell everyone that armed robbers tailed me in and shot me....he warned me that its about to get bloody and I should leave....and I calmly got up from my knees ....got into the car.....and started driving...into the night....into the light

funmsy said...

This story is too scary to behold.just dnt knw what to write.

Anonymous said...

This beast you call a husband obviously hates u, how can it get to this level? Your wife and the mother of your kids? God you went thru a lot, too much , I cant just comprehend the evil,hate and callousness,God dey

bella said...

EwooooohhhhhH!!!!! Jesus!!! My heart is beating faster!*tears*i m really scared. madam dis Is a serious 9mare!!!!!I'm really scared cox I'm facing 1 wit my DAD. I m really cold now!!

Anonymous said...

I started reading about domestic violence on the last post! I couldn't continue! I was weeping! I kept feeling uneasy cause it reminded me so much about what I went through!
I was only 17 when all those were happening! Verbal, physical, emotional and psychological! Me, alone oh! Kai!
I'll come back and post when I'm emotionally balanced! It's one of the worst things that could ever happen to someone! I still cry bitterly when I remember! Worst part about it is that the memories keep springing up! I don't pray anyone should ever witness such!

Anonymous said...

All these ur domestic violenc...do u write about HOUSE GIRLS and MAIDS see in the hands of their madams???...all na domestic violence o! In as much as I hate and speak against domestic violence,some women/madams are sooooooooo wicked and heartless...my wife will be trated the way she trats our house girl period!...some women are witches and dey so deserve it!...nuffsaid

Anonymous said...

Stella! This is just shocking! Look at the amount of comments on this topic! This is just by the people reading your blog (and decided to comment) oh! You can imagine how much more there is! My God! Too bad tsk tsk!
I've also heard guys that say 'I've never ever had to hit a woman before but some women can frustrate a man into doing what he never ever imagined! Pressure, abuses etc! I regret terribly' please people, what is your take on this?

Ayi said...

I want to believe Rape falls under DV. I would go to work,cook clean and do all I could even stay up late till he returns before retiring to bed. It was the only wise thing to do considering he will be around for a month before going back to his U.S base. I'll have slept for an hour then ill feel his heavy body on min trying to force his way in. Can I sleep, I'm tired, I'm not even wet ure going to hurt me. He wldnt listen he will force his way ask me to enjoy it and roll off after coming. Sleep for abt 30 mins. This time my back is turned to him crying he will lift up my nightie, if I'm wearing pant he will tear it and penetrate doggy, if he doesn't hear me moan in pain he will push harder till I start screaming and crying. I'll be hitting him and trying to run he willgo after me and always overpowers me. Then he starts begging. This will go on till. Morning. Then at 5am he will say I ddnt let him sleep. Meanwhile I have to prepare food in the midnight if he gets hungry. He will sleep with another girl wen I'm out, wen I talk to him he will say its because he's not getting enough from me. This and many more happened so I decided to leave.

Ayi said...

And upon Mt.Zion, there shall be deliverance...Obadiah 1:17, Congrats Ms kay!

Anonymous said...

Dv is sometin everyone shud pray to God against, my advise to everyone is, wen u wake up pray for ur partner, whether u are a teen or an adult, whether u are in a relationship or nt cos my mum will say" shape ur world with ur words" and young people shudnt pick wat God ask u to drop, we need to seek God's opinion before we make decisions dat last a lifetime

Ayi! said...

Yes,Enough is Enough. Leave me he said if you can't give me enough sex. I had had enough so I was grateful for the escape route and left, he did not believe I would leave he thought I couldn't live without him. I proved him wrong and did not contact him, he said he was basking in abundance and I told him to enjoy. Then he called to say he wanted to give me another chance, I said I wasn't interested that I was fine ALONE! Then he said he can't believe I dont want to try sort things, Surely I had a PLAN B all along. I avoided him like a plague till he started calling to say he was sick and I was the doctor he needed to see, how he was changed and all that. I still refused to go back. I missed him and all, considering he said he had changed and was ill. I decided to pay a'visit' So we talked for hours. I did a bit of cleaning around the house and made him realise I'm not here to stay though. Maybe that's the mistake I made. So as I bid him farewell,after I was glad we had a good day and maybe we were making progress. He raped me there and then again. I don't know where he got the strength.I had become hard hearted and dnt expect more/less from him. I gave him a last chance which he still misused. Abusers are always sorry but never. Truly repent. They will take advantagee of you to the last.Some Men will try to diminish your Self Worth/esteem. He would say stuff like I'm not the prettiest. He's jst managing me. He will put u down,ur biz ideas and opportunity for growth. Some will go as far as insulting yur family and ask u not to get pregnant while they sponsor their gfs abroad. So much to say. But ill stop here, Unmarried women learn.The grass isn't always greeneer on the other side, Do a proper scrutiny of the men u date even though we know knowledge is relative, he won't change so much. The signs are always there we ignore it maybe out of desperation or love. Enough Is Enough!!! Need I leave out the God factor, be prayerful.

Anonymous said...

life is indeed a bitch, took my time to read all the post here and i cant help but marvel at the level of mans inhumanity to man, i sincerely pray God will heal peoples marriages that are troubled and change the hearts of those deeply involved in Domestic Violence,quite agree with the person that said marriage isn't meant for all here, it pays to be alive and enjoy life to the fullest than being "Mrs" somebody. may God help and protect us all, amen.
Bdee.

Anonymous said...

Mr. Man! Aren't you the one who lets ur wife treat the maid the way she pleases? After all u men have decided to absent yourself from the day to day running of ur homes and u dare come here to complain to say some women are witches! Please take charge of your home! You can correct ur wife without it turning into a physical matter! When it is time to show leadership and strength u men can't be found! It is when it is time to beat someone within an inch of her life then you show! Go and fix ur home! The house help is someone's child.

Anonymous said...

Anon # 6 11:01 pm, I want to believe that rubbish you wrote came out from your brain and not your ass?! You allow your wife to hire 2 or 3 house girls or maid, drive your madam or wife crazy and then she takes out her anger on the house help!!! And when madam is at it with the house girl/s where are you or what happened to your damn voice? Why dont you stop her or say something? Because you are here flexing muscles about how you will treat your madam or wife the same way she treats the house girl.......really? Abi there is something going on between you and the maid? This post is about domestic violence and I think you should google the meaning or read this post and all the comments again so that you won't give your wife ass whopping because she wants to discipline the maid. It is not by force to have maids/ house girls ohhh! Abeg domestic violence is different from domestic help, aight?!

Anonymous said...

Pls somebody help me explain this. My own domestic violence comes inform of emotional violence.
I have been married for 9 yrs now and we both have mutual respect for each other. My husband only allow sex when he is in the mood and not when I am in the mood. My problem is that since I married him, he has never turned me on. The only way I can enjoy sex with him is by letting my ex- boyfriend turn me on( pls I don't cheat bc my ex is even in a different state). We only talk abt nasty things on phone and sometimes practice phone sex. Once I do this with my ex, then I will be in the mood for sex but when I then meet my husband he will always say no. On the other hand, if he ask me for sex when I cannot first talk to my ex so he can turn me on then I will never enjoy it. He will be the only one enjoying it. I really don't konw what to do, meanwhile my ex doses not understand how much he has been helping with my sex life. I didn't tell him that I have to chat with him b4 meeting my hubby for sex. My ex is still single and will be getting married soon. I have 2 kids with my husband. I am confused. My question is should I tell my ex or my husband. I know my ex still loves me 100%. He tells me everything abt his love life but I'm scared that d moment he gets married, he will not be able to fulfill this job that he is not even aware of. Will this affect my marriage . Bc people out there believe we have d most perfect marriage. Everything in my marriage is ok except for our sex life. My husband might even begin to notice bc he knows that if I initiate sex, I take it to d climax but if he initiates it, it becomes so boring .

Anonymous said...

Why didn't you marry your ex if he means so much to u? Have u heard of emotional infidelity? Google it.

Ayi! said...

To Start with don't tell ur Ex about the role he plays in your love life that. He's not aware of. He could use that info to destroy ur marriage and I'm sure u don't wnt tht. U'll find. Urself meeting up to do the Act, trust me. I know Sex is an important part of marriage but u need to. Draw a line so it doesn't destroy u/d marriage. Remember the kids too.
Its time to have a. Heart to heart with your hubby, no be by shouting oooo, in ur calmest voice let him know how u feel, leaving ur ex out if u dnt wnt trouble. I hope he will nt see u as a whore. Try to start cutting communication with that ex. He's getting married soon and as a married woman u know how it hurts to realise ur man is keepn an affair. His fiancee can contact ur husband. Also find out if u are unappealing (sorry to say, no offence) find out what he likes, buy new lingerie, go d extra mile n be creative. Except he jst falls intod category of men that don't like sex and he's not cheating. If after all this he doesn't change and u don't wnt to resort to cheating. I dont know, maybe its time to get toys, bury urself in other things and enjoy d marriage like that if that's the only fault. All the best!

Anonymous said...

This is my mums story not mine pls advice me :
My mum has been married for 13 years and. She's 25 years older than him when they got married I felt life has finally gotten better as we were very poor and he was very rich but this man turned out to be a pathological bully . It started little by little , he slept with all the house girls which at that time were 4 , his cousins, relations kids ages 13 to 15 , he had a constant stream of girl friends who my mum started finding out about when she did he told her that she should be happy he married her and took her away from her squalor , that who would have ever married her but my mum is 40 and very pretty even after three kids , it got worse he hated her even making up, dressing well or going out tried making her quit her job but she was strong in that area so he made her use her money in the house as feeding money so that she has no reserves so as not to escape , he never allows her family visit and the worst of all when I was 13 he abused me and kept it on till I got pregnant at 14 then he took me to a clinic and paid for my abortion and told me that if I tell anyone he will kill me and my mum would never believe me , then he started sleeping wit her friends and as I got older my friends, cutting large checks for them and slowly my mums self esteem has reduced to nothing , when I finally got up the nerve to tell her about the anise she just cried and told me to push it out of my memories , that a woman's honor is in keeping her home , most nights she cries to sleep and all I can do is watch and pray for her as she sees it like her burden and one day he will change now he's 70 they've been married for 13 years and he's only getting worse , he's the youngest looking 70 year old and very strong ... Sometimes I wish I can expose him as he's a politician but my siblings are so young and they don't deserve the scandal pls advice me

Kemi said...

Thanks Stella for these expositories on Domestic Violence. If just one life is saved, it is a cause well worth it. People need to learn from these stories, to teach their daughters not to take "it" and their sons not to give "it".

www.joisaysblog.com

Sapele Babe in Lagos said...

Did you not date this man before you married him? If the sex wasn't right, why did you go ahead? Sex is a major part of a marriage. This thing you are doing with your Ex is bad. If you leave your husband,your Ex will not marry. These are some of the scary shit consequences of the internet,BB,FB etc age.
I'm not judging you my dear but......

Anonymous said...

I feel for you dear. Tears rolled as I read your story.

It's best you expose him to save your mum. She needs to be happy.

He cannot kill you cos he is not God!

Babino said...

God bless you Ayi from your previous write up you were a product of DV and you could still give such a superb advise to a fellow woman,God bless you plenty,am soo humbled and impressed by the advice you gave,you did not allow your previous experience in the hands of a man colour your judgement please keep it up God would give you a better man that would love and care for you totally in Jesus name,plenty hugs sis.

phil okes said...

I wonder what marriage has become. Please ladies don't take it, get out while you can. Run, walk or crawl out. Don't allow yourself become part of a statistic!

collins chinedu ezenwa said...

Why should a man beat his wife?I don't understand why and I wanna know why beating a woman is the only way a husband will get a message across to his wife whenever she does something offensive to him....there is no justification though but where did it all go wrong?
Then again people don't regard reasons for unique marriage(companionship)a model marriage is the one that stand the taste of time,and its achievable when there are factors like love trust patience and above all wisdom that comes from the fear of God...
Ask urself before marriage certain questions
1.Am I ready for this commitment
2.What's my reason and motivations for this decision
3.Am I under pressure(by age,finance,peer group,parents,social status etc)
4.Am I stable and mind matured enough
5.Am I going fast in order to run out fast
Love is not enough because you need real reasons to hold on to when the chips are down,love is abstract but trust Ȋ̝̊̅§ real
Don't allow room for a break in communication that's where it may begin,don't assume anything just talk about it
Dear lord God almighty please heal every broken home and those on the brink of a break up,beat any man that beats his wife and any woman that beats her husband
Change the mentality of the average nigerian cos its blooming in and with violence...
AMEN!!!

Anonymous said...

Which zoo did U̶̲̥̅ escape from?
Mumu oshi, anuofia!

If U̶̲̥̅ cannot talk with U̶̲̥̅̊я̲̅ wife n reason wv her on hw to treat †нƹ maid, then send †нƹ girl away. Is it by force to have maid ni? U̶̲̥̅'ll treat U̶̲̥̅̊я̲̅ wife †нƹ way she treats U̶̲̥̅̊я̲̅ maid. U̶̲̥̅ r just one big idiot. Is †нƹ maid U̶̲̥̅̊я̲̅ wife? Or didn't U̶̲̥̅  in †нƹ bible whr Abraham told Sarah to deal wv her maid as she pleased. If †нƹ matter gets out of hand, let †нƹ maid go, period!

Anonymous said...

Once had an aunt who died cos of domestic violence. She pays the bills takes care of the home......yet her hubby beats her up with the help of his sisters. As if that was not enough, he resorted to emotional abuse causing her to loose a twin pregnancy. All attempt by her family to get. Her out proved abortive as she insists that is till death do them part..... Now guess what.......two months after she died, he got another wife to replace her.

drracal said...

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Anonymous said...

This is my friend's story: Her husband, with whom she had two kids (a boy & a girl) with is such a brute, physically and emotionally. He taunts her in every way possible, in alliance with his mum, who hates the wife with a passion. The guy sleeps with anything in skirt, and sometimes, brings them home. Imagine a case where he tells the wife to excuse him and a female guest from the bedroom, as they both have business to discuss. In the bedroom, seriously? But she left them just to avoid quarrel. Few months back, my friend came visiting and started narrating an incident with him and her new maid. She has been suspecting he's sleeping with the girl who is about 15, then, this particular night, he thought she had slept, crept out of the bedroom at midnight, locked the door from outside. She got up to trail him, only to find that she had been locked in, so she went back to bed and pretended to be asleep. After a while, he returned, unlocked the door and went straight to their bathroom for a shower, then crept back into bed. She didn't say a word, only to wake up in the morning to discover a torn condom sachet in their wardrobe. She never asked him, she never said a word about it, other wise, there will be a row. She could ave upped and left all these while, but she would never leave without her children, they are her life. And she feels she isn't financially buoyant yet, and wouldn't want them to suffer the lack she had suffered in life. She doesn't have any of his family to run to, cos his mom controls the family and wont mind her being put through all that hell. She has finally saved some money, and is planning an escape with her kids. That being said, i would like to tell ANONYMOUS 8:42 AM, your mum is mortgaging the emotional stability of her kids. It would have done her a great deal of good if she had stayed unmarried and raised her children right, far from such contaminated environment. What morals will her children gain from a man who sleeps with every woman around, even relatives and abuses his wife? They will only be scarred for life. My aunt's husband is like that, he sleeps with every female in sight, his relatives inclusive, so much that at a point, he was being suspected of sleeping with one of his many illegitimate children. I once had a relationship with a very cute guy. On the outside, it seemed the perfect relationship, but inside, it was not that good. Any little quarrel we had ended up in serious fight, cos he will respond to every little thing i say. He nagged like a woman, bickered even more, his temper is like volcano. So, just when people were expecting us to announce the date, having travelled to see each other's families, we had a big fight that left me with bruises and that was it, i walked out. People couldn't understand why i had to, after all we were so perfect together, but i wasn't looking back. He begged for months, cried and asked me to come back, i was tempted to but my will to have a happy life held me back. Today he is married to someone else and now lives in Abuja, while am married to the most peaceful and easygoing man, who have amongst all things, calmed my temperament down, due to his way of treating issues. He gets angry though, but will not strike me. And there is no sane person who will see peace and prefer trouble.

Anonymous said...

My home is happy and we have over time gradually learnt how to avoid offending each other and also to overlook certain issues that ordinarily would have caused problem between us. So people, a lot of women suffer violence and men suffer it too in the hands of women, so i would urge people to quit before they are die in the hands of these abusive partners. And for the unmarried ones, learn to quit a relationship that is reducing your self esteem, no matter how close and in love you are with the person. Time will heal your wound, you will be alright with time and then you would have opened the door for a better person to come in. You need a complimentary partner, who will help your upgrade you not degrade you. Stella thank you for this forum, God bless your heart.

Ayi! said...

My dear while I symphatize with you, may I add that its not time to sulk. Its unfortunate that not everyone can be lucky in love, Sorry your mum falls in this category. DO. NOT wallow in Self pity, this is the time to be strong for you all, I don't know how old u are or ur position in the family so my advice will be limited, but I'm sure u care for ur mum. To start with that man can't do u nothing,believe me he needs his reputation more than anything as a politician. If he dies. Tomoro I'm sorry y'll may not be included in his Will and ull end up in poverty. If u are in skool get a part time job abd start saving. Tell ur mum to tie her wrapper, enough of playing dummy.she shd cut down her spendn in d haus and open an account in ur name and start saving. You have a duty to protect ur younger ones from rape. The rape and abortion wasn't your fault, the days of ignorance GOD forgives. Go on fasting and praying as a family, prayer changes a whole lot.Ur mum shd marry jesus, Affliction shall not. Rise a 2nd time. Pray that every Stubborn Pursuer/Attacker/Opressor must drown lk Pharaoh. Don't show u are Scared. Put on the whole amour of God and fight to finish with everything that u have whilee reducing ur dependency on him.

Anonymous said...

Are u serious?nigeria atimes I hate this country so much,too much injustice if it were a sane society the old fool would have been in jail.ur mum has been battered so much that she now see it norm.this way of life will definitely affect your future relatiOnship.i pray God help you.

Anonymous said...

My dear, have a heart to heart to with your mum. Yes it's not your fault that things like this are happening to you and your siblings. But let me ask you one candid question, if you had died aborting at 14, what would your mum have said to God and people around her? Is any man, any amount of money worth that sacrifice? Yes, it's not her fault that she married that kind of person, but the choice is hers to stay or leave. I, as a matter of fact, has no business whatsoever, with a man who impregnates my own teenage daughter, under the same roof and goes ahead to procure and abortion for her. People start to slow down on vanity and exuberance as they get older and a man who still philanders shamelessly at 70 isn't worth my time for whatever reason. At 70, your step-dad has almost lived his own life, your mum should be concerned about giving you children a stable upbringing, so that, when she is old and feeble, you will stable and responsible to take care of her too. As always, we determine the type of life we will have in the future by the things we do today. She should plan her life, save some money, get ready to work hard on her own, thank God she still has her job, and take a walk while she can still salvage her children. Some people are not just worth, even in the name of marriage. Someone said to pray for him, ok to pray, but someone people are so devil-oriented that the best thing is to move away from them. He is a politician and influential, so you can't fight him. Hence, the best option is to go far away from such a person.

Sistersshare247 said...

wow. am speechless

Anonymous said...

With a few exception to some women that are just naturally stubborn n troublesome, most women see hell in their marriages, I will say 30 percent are happy if not less. Imagine a man sleeping with his step daughter, with his relations etc. Y is your mother still in that marriage? If the man drops dead today won't she live her life? My dear, do u want this man to do to your siblings what he did to you? We fold our arms n never take drastic steps then when it is too late, we start regretting . What if you died aborting? What if your womb got damaged? I don't understand n it is sad.

MS KAY said...

LEAVING 4

Ija dopin OGUN si tan....olugbala jagunmolu Orin Ayo la o mako.....hallelujah.

Yes He opened the gate for me by himself........let me drive out by myself.....and I just drove...... What did I feel?.....nothing......absolutely NOTHING.....it was just me, myself and I......as quiet as the night had become....as still as the night had become ....so was I......and I just kept driving......and i remembered ........that day had started normally........... And I remember that the last meeting he had called with my parents, aunt and uncle...he had told them I should be home by 6...no matter where I was.... My aunt knowing that I work on the island (we lived on the mainland) had told him it was impossible.... Knowing the traffic situation and all that....his demands on that day were quite stiff....if I wanted the marriage I had to stop traveling (my Buisness had by now expanded....) I had to stop all expansion....and must be home by 6....obey or leave....my aunt refused to go home that day....between her and her husband they decided that she should spend the weekend with me..... I remember waking up on one of the nights she spent at around 2am she couldn't sleep and I saw her sitting up beside me....(remember he does not sleep beside nor with me) and I asked her to go to bed ...she asked me how I could sleep through all these.....wasn't I scared that I could be killed In my sleep....and that she was so scared she just couldn't sleep.....that how could I have been going through all these ALONE.....and she just was weeping........

I obeyed........ i had to move to the office on the mainland and by 6 I'm home....and he will be at home waiting and watching.....the irony then was that he will then go out as soon as I'm home without so much as a goodbye and sometimes may not be back till the following day..... Sometimes he will just go for days.... And no one dare asks...... I remember my poor pastor who decided to come to our house every Saturday morning just to pray for us (He was most likely to be home at that time).... First Saturday he wasn't back from his outing of the night before.... By the 2nd Saturday when the pastor came at 7am I was trying to cover up for him when my 7 year old told the pastor...."is it my daddy.... He didn't sleep at home oh....he doesn't always sleep at home".... The pastor prayed for just me and the children and left.....CHIKENA. ....that was the last time he came.....
The bad bad days were when I had to the island ....my children and I had to devise a monitoring regime....(yes....they helped.....my angels ....my best friends)....one of them will be asking him his movement on phone the other will be monitoring my own...... And I just about got it right most times..... Except this one day.....

MS KAY said...

leaving 4---continued

We sponsored an event on the island....and ethics required that I showed up....and I planned to just show up for 30 mins max....got there with my colleagues and staff...and wham.....found myself on the high table.....OH GOD...... My friend who went with me knew why I panicked....but .....she too was called to the high table..... I had to give a speech.....collect and give awards....and at 7pm I handed over to my friend and asked to be excused....the event was just warming up.....but i had to leave......how jittery I was.....no not the speech I had to give ....no I was scared shitless by now....I initially kept calling him.....he didn't pick....then sent texts....he didnt even acknowledge them.....then copied my daughter ..."please tell ur dad I'm at this event....I'm on the high table I will leave ASAP"... Her reply mummy please relax and just get a life for once...I wasn't relaxing at all.... Of course getting out of the island at 7 was not an ideal scenario.....I broke all traffic rules to get home....and...............I JUST KNEW I WAS IN TROUBLE.....oh I prayed that somehow he will be out and not know..... Or that he will be locked up in his room downstairs and not notice.... I prayed ....oh I prayed......but........HE WAS WAITING

As I was driving.... I think I was now somewhere near ebutemetta......from ikeja .......it was around 11pm or so.....and now I started singing..........Ija dopin OGUN si tan.....and then the tears came......yes like a flood....and at that moment a call came through.....it was a pastor I had met through my pastor.....he just called me....and in my tears I told him what happened ..... He prayed, asked God to calm the storm....asked me where I was....I told him...and he said...." turn back.....if you don't know where to go at least GO BACK TO YOUR PARENTS HOUSE.....and sleep there."....and that's exactly how I spent my first night......

Godchic said...

Ms Kay,I'm sry I just have to call u ur name Kemi,I don't know U,but all I can say to U is that I love U with the Love of God.I've shared ur story wiv every single person I know that would listen,I've stayed up and cried reading ur diary,I paint images in my head and ur story sends shivers down my spine.I'm 27,I'm a God addict,I'm educated,an entrepreneur,and very single...and I'm just not in a hurry to change my status.I just want u to know I'm one of those reading ur every word,and praying for U.may God bless U,and restore to u the years the locusts and the cankerworms have eaten.Amen

Anonymous said...

@ MS KAY......God bless you. I get so emotional and cry every time you write parts of your diary. To anyone who is a victim of domestic violence, get out and get help!! May God continue to protect you.........God bless you all.

@@@TRUST NO MAN

Anonymous said...

Amen IJN,its such a sad story,so so sad and to kno she went through it all made it sadder and scary. Please Godchic I love that your stance do not rush until you get the man your heart desires,God would provide him no matter how long it might take. Enjoy your single life,serve God more,build your business to the next levels. Please single ladies here do not mind the pressures anybody gives,be happy,be passionate about your career or business turn deaf ears to any form of pressure from anybody. Marriage is worth it when you find that man that gives you peace in your heart but it becomes worthless when married to an animal. Please check the man's fruit its very important please,make sure you have peace in your hearts of hearts when you think of marriage with him.May God choose for all the singles amongst us IJN.May you guys not experience DV IJN.Ve been there and I dnt wish it for my enemy,thank God He gave me the direction to opt out and to be patient till I eventually met the bone of bone. Its always at its sweetest when you wait for the right man.

Anonymous said...

Thank God you walked away, thank God you are alive, thank God for sharing this with us! God pushed u out of that marriage, u would have been dead n forgotten by now, I sing with you, I share in ur joy, u have lost nothing, at least your children deserve you if no1 else, thank God my sister, the storm is over,you won the battle.That was no marriage but it was BONDAGE.

Anonymous said...

Mıss Kay u r really a very Strong Woman, ı ve been glued to dıs partıcular post just bcos of u, ı ve been readıng and readıng and waıtıng for knew posts. Mıss Kay u are really strong, ve been wonderıng what stıll kept u dat long ın dat home. Waoh! May God Almıghty contınue to console u and gıve peace and fulfılment. U really deserve Hapıness,

Anonymous said...

To my dear lady who's step father abused,, and is still abusing her mother. I have a very similar case near home that I wish to share with you, perhaps it may help you.

An aunt of mine was a single mother of 4 beautiful girls. Very well educated, she wasn't super rich but she had enough to go round her kids. I think when loneliness kicked in, which is always the case with some single mothers... she agreed to marry this very very rich man. He's into oil and gas, so you can imagine the measure of wealth am talking. Anyway he literally transformed my aunt and her kids financially. She had the biggest grocery store in a part of Nigeria (state name withheld)....and she was such a kind woman with a large heart, she helped people a lot. And because of that she became quite popular.....

Then she started to grow lean and very sick. Money wasn't the problem as she got medical attention from the best physicians outside Nigeria, fully paid for by hubby. Finally she was diagnosed with AIDS. YES! That didn't end the trauma....2 of her daughters started to fall sick too. And in the end they were diagnosed with HIV too. The long and short of the matter is that this 'messiah' man that everyone was worshiping had been sleeping with my aunt's daughters too..without each of them knowing it. And he had been nursing AIDS that NO one knew about. He would woo them with money. And the first thing I said when I heard this rubbish was to cuss the daughters out for betraying their mother....

But then...I asked God to forgive me. When a man doesn't even have money, he has domineering powers to monopolize his victims...not to mention when there's plenty money at his disposal. But here we are.....only God knows how this came to be. As I write this my aunt is DEAD, and so are her daughters. Talk about the adversity that befell Job. This is not a scripted Nollywood narrative, it is a true life experience....these women were buried in shame as family members refused to divulge the sorts of ailments that perished mother and daughters. And guess what? this man is still alive, he's managing his ailment quite well too... bcos he can afford the best drugs. Looking at him you couldn't even tell that he carries the virus.

My dear lady, the worst that can be done to you mother hasn't been done yet, and that is for her to lose her life in the house of her 70yr old husband. If she were to die today (touch word) bet you'll start to narrate this same story, but then..it would be too late. This man can do the same to his own blood daughters too, men like this do not select their victims, they have a libido that they cannot control. Its a sickness. If I were you I would stand up to the bastard...yes. Trust me, the day you do that your mom will be liberated from the shackles of the sick maniac. You are the only person to do that, your mom has already been conquered and subdued by his demonic hold, you shouldn't fall prey too. Please help your mother out of that place so that the rest of her life will not be lived in agony...and before she attempts to commit suicide. Yup...and FAST too. God be with you!

Anonymous said...

Oh I thought I was very hard and would never be moved to tears so easily. Ms kay has broken all protocols. I cry.....as I sing along with you....Ija dopin Ogun si ton...Olugbala jagun molu...Orin ayo ni nwo o ma koo...Halleluyah!!!!!

Daughter of Zion

Anonymous said...

Putting all my feelings into this song,I also sing "Ija dopin Ogun si tan...Olugbala jagun molu...Orin ayo ni nwo o ma koo...Halleluyah!!!!!

Adetola D0Z

Anonymous said...

Just can't believe this HIV story, so sad, so so sad, am wailing! 2 daughters plus the woman! If only she had remained single? Sad! Pathetic, things dey happen sha, meanwhile the lowlife is still alive? Send his address let me go out snuff life out of him God Forgive me.

Anonymous said...

Miss Kay! Where are you?! Forever refreshing this post on my ipad! The Lord will bless and keep you ladies! May ur daughters never go through this torture! May ur sons grow and never follow in the footsteps of their fathers! My father of blessed memory used to have heated arguments with my mum and she can be such a spitfire when she wants to be but he never hit her, he would always just walk away till she relaxed.this is one character trait I pray my husband to be will have!and will wait till forever for the right man. Ten years now my mum has been widowed I can only imagine the loneliness she feels sometimes but thank God she didn't bring in any brute into our lives

BLOGLORD said...

MS KAY, You just left me speechless and in so much tears. For every pain and torture you went through, You will be vindicated.
God! I am so torn reading your diary.

MS KAY said...

LEAVING......5

I took a trip a few months before the June incidence....a Buisness trip....and a very short one.... But somehow I had been researching about DV.... I would just google or use some of the search engines of the time and just type phrases like husband beating wife or so....before I learnt it was called ABUSE....or DV...somehow in the course of my search for reasons....for answers.....and maybe how to be better behaved as a wife I came across a lady and after some emails to her...(I just couldn't tell her what was happening to me)....I made an appointment to see her... So my trip was 2 pronged......no....3 ....apart from business...and the appointment, those trips helped me do one thing.......SLEEP.....I was by now a very bad sleeper....I only slept deeply after 4am....when he comes in, and I hear him potter around the kitchen and then I hear him go to bed.... Then I sleep and not so deeply bc I could be woken up any time....for my talks...... So my trips helped me SLEEP.....

Yes I saw her.....my friend in UK....and I had to pay £100 for the session......I didn't tell a soul....I just called her, she asked me to come and I took the long train ride to that tiny village outside Birmingham......stupid me....didn't know you pay to see counsellors...but she understood it was my first time and ......we talked......first.....she too was a victim of DV....AND SHE LEFT AND SHE SURVIVED.......and now she just helps other women....and she just LISTENED as I told her my life...... Barely Interrupting except a few times to ask questions.....she was quite happy I kept a journal....and then she started talking......

She said she has before her 2 women ......one is very beautiful, bold , intelligent a strong woman...who can and is running a good business which means she takes good decisions and more so manages a thriving business employing people etc.....the second is timid...shy....afraid...afraid of taking decisions....and not sure of herself....she asked me who the women are...naturally I said she was the 1st, and i was.....naturally the 2nd woman.....no.....she said .....you ....KAY are the 1st woman....when you talk of your business your eyes light up...u become fearless....confident....bold...and suddenly you talk of yr marriaGe and the 2nd woman takes over and the light goes out..... Solution?....simple....from now on I should watch out for the 2nd woman and avoid her like a plague and always bring back the first woman into EVERYTHING..... Then she gave me other simple solutions and then told me her story.....

I came back from that trip pretty sure of what I had to do....and I started doing them....little things that seemed insignificant to some people.....but to me were giant leaps....started to AQUIRE things by myself..... And by that JUNE night ....when I drove out with only the dress I had on as the ONLY item I took away, I at least knew that the car and some other major things.....and most importantly MY MIND AND THE HEREAFTER were mine......now....that's a BIG step.........

Of course the morning after He woke the children up and looked concerned and told them that "your mother did not come home last night"....... And that was when I truly knew that God had delivered me from something on that JUNE NIGHT

Anonymous said...

stella i really want 2 appreciate u 4 doin a great job, i am a fan of this blog but this is my frist time of commenting. i've been following this dairy, & at a point i said to myself that my husband cant behave like this or treat like that.. i am 27, i ve been married for 8 years & i ve 3 kids. i am cryin right now bcos i just recieved the beatin of my life from a man that aways says he loves me and wil do anytin for me, it's stil like a dream 2 me. domestic violence is wrong and should not be allowed. i rise up 2day to say no to DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

Anonymous said...

May God vindicate all the women going through DV and give them the strength to leave when its time

Anonymous said...

Was a victim of DV for about 5 years from the first day i got married. I am an educated girl who worked hard but because of his own style of abuse, i was practically solely responsible for my 2 kids and i. This is for those ladies who keep saying they dont have enough money to leave an abuser. When my husband kicked me out, because in his words he didnt want to kill me, i had 7k in my account. He was the one that told me the amount because i had a bank account in the bank he worked. I left my kids and stayed with a friends elderly mum somewhere in ajah. I took my annual leave from the office and restrategized my life. 7k couldnt do jack for me. So i took a soft loan from a friend (first time ever in life i would be borrowing money). I rented a 1bdr in the same estate my husband lived. Borrowed and collected house hold items from family and friends, pots, cups, camp gas etc...you would be amazed at how many people would only be too glad to give out their wedding presents and other items clogging up their houses including mattresses and baby cots. Anyway i now had my own nice pad. Yes there was no gen or dstv but there was life. Mine! I now went to his and my parents and asked to collect my kids. They were already in school and thank God i had paid their fees for the term so i didnt have to worry about that for a while. They were ofcourse reluctant cos they had all been looking for me (had left my phone back home with the bastard wife beater). He had gone to report himself crying that it was the devil blah blah but i stood my ground and even threatened to kill myself...lol drama. Fast forward to 5years after today. I have a much better job. Live in a 3 bedroom. Kids in a better school. Not owing anybody. Took a mortgage loan and made a down deposit on a house in lekki. It didnt all happen overnight, was painstaken but it all worked out.The bastard doesnt feature in anyway in our lives but the kids are so so balanced and i thank God everyday for my not begging the guy to change his mind that night. My advice to other victims is to first realise that you may never have that stash of cash sitting down. Reach out to people and accept help offered with sincerity. Yes it is humbling to collect hand me downs but take it from me, the humility you feel after being beaten by someone who claims to love you is the worst kind.

fobzy said...

Hmmmmm.... Wat women go tru.. My God confort us, and make us stronger

Anonymous said...

Hi. Pls permit me to ask, when u say the abuse started from the 1st day of marriage, does it mean he was like that during courtship and u went ahead and married him, or one or both parties was coerced into the marriage?

I'm just trying to understand how this things begin as I believe this is a learning platform. I mean no offence pls.

xity said...

Shaken... My heart breaks at every experience. Ms Kay love the song

Anonymous said...

Tnx Ms Kay for sharing ur story...u r a strong woman.

HAUTEFE said...

I'm literarily crying as I type this Simply because I know beyond words what miss kay went through. Truth is I had my fair share of same but it was as a child. My father dealt more evil than I can imagine to my mum. Sadly enough I love him to death. He's a good father but was the worst husband to my mum and u know what? She died of heart attack when it all got too much. I was just 16 I had just left secondary school and I'm d oldest of her 5children. I'm so sad I can't even be coherrent in typing the details so please bear with me.
My father had 2daughters b4 marrying my mum(she didn't 'snatch' him, he was divorced already. I later found out that the woman frustrate,run leave her children sef&re-married)

san said...

Na wah o!. This is scary and an eye opener. May God help these wicked men to see the light IJN

HAUTEFE said...

she wasn't poor or dependent when he met her.she was already a primary school teacher with NCE and was about to enter university when he met her through her family friend 'uncle' who took my dad to meet a marriage material girl in her father's house...fast forward a few months down, she's pregnant with me, marriage plans set off. Info commes out, he's divorced with 2girls. My naiive mum insists they hide it from her parents till after the wedding- they did. School plans went on pause he even insisted she stopped work but she didnt

HAUTEFE said...

3:Those two girls are the most horrible creatures on mother earth(no beef). Did I forget to tell u that my dad's family lived with him? Oh! Yes!!! She was brought to his family house where I can tell u that his family took turns to beat her- I'm not saying stories I didn't witness. I'm 26, I can remember events as early as 6years(they have desroyed my brain with evil memories) my dad was abroad most of the time and the family toook turns with his girls to deal with the timid woman. Writing him letters then on how she's bad etc. I still have some of the retrieved letters in my possession.

HAUTEFE said...

Lemmi give an example. My dad's younger sister used to make pap for those girls with salt&told them my mum was out to poison them so they shouldn't eat her food. My mum would hide&give them sugar&when the story came to my dad's hearing, the girls changed d story that my mum gave them salt. At one time my dad said she shouldn't cook anymore, it became his sisters job to cook. He didn't eat her foor&if she had to eat in that house, it must be what his family cooks.I can remember countless times she gather gather-beaten by both girls&my father's siblings. All that was required for for one person to start the fight.

HAUTEFE said...

After 3children, she was asked to leave the house. She refused. My father packed us&sent to his friend's house in warri. He was rich&they didntell him d truth, they took us in. I remember in pain how a few weeks after my mum found out our location and on day she came to the house, we were upstairs&i remember the picture in my head how she was weeping downstairs&we were locked behind d balcony gate. They refused her seeing us coz my dad wouldn't approve. The message got to my dad, he then moved us to his house in lagos with some other of his siblings who then became our parents. We got registered in school there. To tell u how bad it was, my brotherthe third who was still a child in this matter didn't walk till he was over 2years. After many medical checks showing nothing is wrong, my dad was told its because of the emotional trauma,movements&lack of proper care.

HAUTEFE said...

While in lagos,my mum remained in the house in benin and refused to move on. She kept on searching for her children begging&writing letters to all concerned to help her locate her children. If u think this is home video, this is my life experience. At some point one of my dad's friend was good enough to give her address. She came to lagos. I'm sure y'all know what happened still. She came 4x to lag b4 she could locate us&that was 2ru another friend who managed to convince my dad to allow a supervised visit. Soon we were moved to another of his friend's home in the same lagos. That man&his wife,gave us hell. My dad would buy clothes&gifts(he's very good at gifting&bribery) for that family up to their 2nd generation- the wife's familyy&d man's family included.

HAUTEFE said...

3years later, business begins to fail and things begin to dwindle, on april 30th 1994 my dad agreed to bring us to see my mum in benin. I was 7years old. One thing led to another, my mum didn't let us go not even because she had too much fighting power but because the man no get money like b4. It was almost like abandonment. He needed to try&struggle for himself so she was the next best option. By now my dad was seriously indebted. People started coming to the house to ask my mother for him with all sort of stories sometimes with police other times with thugs or noisy family members.she would then lock us up b4 attending to the creditors. Iremember one threatening to take us away and since then we weren't allowed to even play downstairs.when she was doing her sandwich programme then, she'll lock us up,cut the yam&set a timer for me to watch d food. At 8 I knew all house chores esp the kitchen part.

HAUTEFE said...

My father left his daughters with his siblings in lagos,while the others remaining in the benin house started selling d properties away as usual she can't stop them its for their brother!!!I bet u even d tv was sold. His mum moved to the village&two others went to rent their own apartment 2geda. It was a struggle to cater for us on her own but they mocked her shey she wanted her children.there's no trade she didn't dabble in2-2nd hand clothes, crayfish, garri,pastries even learnt tailoring. Things were horrible and I then lernt d phrase "borroing 4rm peter to pay paul" coz she used it a lot.

HAUTEFE said...

When they all moved out,we moved from d duplex to a single room with public toilet&corridor house- face me I slap u lol. She kept all our remaining properties at differnt people's houses(she was afraid to sell them and they couldn't fit into a single room)We got enrolled in d school she taught(public schools) she made our uniforms from her old materials I swear down etc there was some stability, things got better, we moved to a room&parlour but still public toilet&kitchen then dear daddy started visiting.

HAUTEFE said...

(Let's be clear my dad isn't a bad father nor a bad man sentiments asides. He was just a bad husband and an abuser). Mummy got pregnant again. OMG was just in JS1/2 the beatings he dealt her even with that pregnancy ehn! Kick her stomach etc. She gave birth anyways to the 4th- a girl. Daddy moved to benin, got a job for N5000- no more big man and my dear teacher mum started earning more. Govt began to smile on teachers salaries and then sshe became a 'witch' big laugh. Poverty is a bastard. She helped him start&survive a new line of business then guess what, we were whisked to boarding houses in kogi state.

HAUTEFE said...

I won't lie I felt sad but more happy to be in boarding house. At 1st the joy was juvenile coz of all the 'as u go to college books I read' but more importantly I was secretly happy to be out of the line of fire. A home without peace. On holidays,me&my sister would go to lokoja,auchi etc visiting "uncles&families" at 1st coz daddy told us to then later na we go suggest am coz we no wan go home again.lol. When you're home u can't wait for holidays to be over too much nagging&fighting over nothing. He keeps asking her out of house coz he had made enough cash to rent a flat now. He'll beat her and throw her out she won't go, she'll sleep by d door in d cold sometimes we'll sneak her a wrapper but trust me d fear of daddy, hmm none of us could face him. Only d baby girl who'll cry. He recruited us to his camp took us out&did everything my 'strict&disciplined' mum won't approve for usI regret till date my weakness to fight for her. I didn't fight her with him but didn't do anything. Just always waiting to escape. So sad.

HAUTEFE said...

I got tired of uncles houses I used to just say it but Only once I REALLY sat her down in her room & asked her y won't u just pack out and get your own place but shortly b4 she died. I left secondary school at 16, got admission same year though I chose lagos for university(coz I didn't want to be near them) but as God would have it, I was admitted into uniben. By my matric my mum was heavily pregnant with again.OMG!!! There was this time he slapped her, she couldn't use d ear again. She went to her elder brother's place who kept her for a few weeks then brought her back himself. He came to beg my dad to take her back- hilarious. After she had the boy in my first year in school my grandma was called,the woman came in shock- no one knew she was pregnant. She had become isolated they only visited her at work collect money&go. My grandma came I witnessed her beGging again for my mum- like what crime did she commit that they're always begging for?

HAUTEFE said...

There's no pastor that didn't pray o. Inshort they kept on preaching submission which is interesting coz my ma is the meekest,timid village girl I know. She's intelligent&smart but horribly timid.Believe me there's no time in my entire life that I knew parental unity or understand family/marital bliss. My mother wasn't finincially dependent but never had the guts to leave. Children became the excuse as she would always tell me. I had no friends as they knew our home for the night fights,shoutings&all. I learnt to detatch from it all-selective deafness. I just don't hear or notice or even agree to be involved in the who's right&whos wrong gimmicks

HAUTEFE said...

.when the fights got too much we changed locations we only come 4rm school to see we're in a new house. My dad would have filled tour ears with her evils and then she'll give u her bit when she had d chance. Fear no go let me talk true coz I didn't want to offend any party esp daddy. So best is to shut up. I have never seen a woman more determined to make her home work she kept on trying-reading jehova's witness' books,and all sorts of things I found heart breaking diaries she kept(she's very meticulous sha).
Anyway long story short in d midst of it 17years into the matter and never ending tussle, they fought he traveLled and 8months after her last child while reading one of those her books at night in bed, she died.
The rest story is for another time

HAUTEFE said...

'm literarily crying as I type this Simply because I know beyond words what miss kay went through. Truth is I had my fair share of same but it was as a child. My father dealt more evil than I can imagine to my mum. Sadly enough I love him to death. He's a good father but was the worst husband to my mum and u know what? She died of heart attack when it all got too much. I was just 16 I had just left secondary school and I'm d oldest of her 5children. I'm so sad I can't even be coherrent in typing the details so please bear with me.
My father had 2daughters b4 marrying my mum(she didn't 'snatch' hiim). Inshort,she wasn't poor or dependent when he met her.she was already a primary school teacher when he met her through her family friend 'uncle' who took my dad to meet a marriage material girl in her father's house...fast forward a few months down, she's pregnant with me, marriage plans set off. Info commes out, he's divorced with 2girls. My naiive mum insists they hide it from her parents till after the wedding- they did.
Those two girls are the most horrible creatures on mother earth(no beef). Did I forget to tell u that my dad's family lived with him? Oh! Yes!!! She was brought to his family house where I can tell u that his family took turns to beat her- I'm not saying stories I didn't witness. I'm 26, I can remember events as early as 6years(they have desroyed my brain with evil memories) my dad was abroad most of the time and the family toook turns with his girls to deal with the timid woman. Writing him letters then on how she's bad etc. I still have some of the retrieved letters in my possession.
Lemmi give an example. My dad's younger sister used to make pap for those girls with salt&told them my mum was out to poison them so they shouldn't eat her food. My mum would hide&give them sugar&when the story came to my dad's hearing, the girls changed d story that my mum gave them salt. At one time my dad said she shouldn't cook anymore, it became his sisters job to cook. He didn't eat her foor&if she had to eat in that house, it must be what his family cooks.I can remember countless times she gather gather-beaten by both girls&my father's siblings. All that was required for for one person to start the fight.

Anonymous said...

*real tears* @ hautefe's life story

Rubynnia said...

Hautefe, does your daddy feel after all the torture and abuse he meted to your mom?

You love your dad but this same man ill-treated the woman who brought you to this world; how ironic? I guess we are different. You treat any person bad irrespective of your niceties, you are BAD in my own book.

Babe, please shine your eye very well before you marry. I pray what happened to your mom won't happen to you IJN.

Remember that abusers are nice to others but never nice to the person they abuse.

Anonymous said...

God have mercy. Hautefe you must have a heart of GOLD to still love your father.
Your mum(may her soul rest in peace ) died a fighter.

Women please wake up...the ultimate goal in life is to make heaven...I am yet to see where it is stated in the bible that being married will get u there ...so why kill urself in a marriage that isn't working? Why?pls tell me why?
I weep as I type....
My prayer is that someone out there summons the courage to do right for herself having read all this.
Stay blessed y'all.

Evie Daniels said...

Wow.. You make so much sense..

Anonymous said...

Hautefe your story made the tears fall. You need to confront YOUR FATHER! He needs to apologize to your mother's family and her children! This is too much men. Your mother's history will not contain what will happen to his sisters.

Anonymous said...

Hautefe u need to open ur eyes. Ur father was a bad man. He wasnt a good father. He used and manipulated and abandoned u as children. Up to now u cant see jhim for what he is. Ur mother was a fighter. May her soul RIP. its becuz of her u and ur siblings are something today. Not becuz of ur dad. Sad stort

Anonymous said...

*your mother's history book*

Anonymous said...

Hautefe, I think you are not being fair to your mom, not saying u should hate him but please what makes him a good father, if not God you guys would have ended up messed up cuz of his insensitivity and callousness, dumping your children at relatives and friends, today Lagos, tomorrow,Benin, that has it psychological effect on children. What if you were raped by one of these people or impregnated or even being sexually abused. Your father is wicked , very wicked ok ,a heartless father and evil husband, in the bid to hurt your mum, he was messing up every ones life and future.Women should begin to understand that their happiness lie in their own hands and not a man, they are not our messiah, love yourself and don't turn yourself into a old frustrated hag, if you don't want to end the marriage then bury yourself In productive things that makes you happy, But if he is beating you to a pulp, u better run, if you die there,someone else will reap the fruit of your labour . It is well,may God open our eyes.I forgot to add, if your hubby is sleeping around , be careful , you may have to stop having sex with him or use a condom, yes , use a condom, the way HIV is flying around now, some of these people are so bitter and just spreading the virus, dem no dey write am for head. Let's us use our head sometimes not our hearts and be prayerful and steadfast. It is well.

Anonymous said...

Thank you SDK for this forum and the narrators for opening up. It takes courage and integrity to speak out.Pray we all learn from this.

Babino said...

Honestly,the Hiv thingy and sexually transmitted diseases are the worst. Why would a married man sleep with another woman without condom? I dnt wanna say why would he cheat cos cheating is 90% of deir hobby,buh why without condom? What kind of callousness is dat? Now some would say they trust the woman they are cheating wiv,buh the truth is the woman also has anoda boyfriend out there cos she knows you are married and doesn't wanna put her eggs in one basket. That's how my uncle went and infected his wife wiv genital herpes,now d doc says it doesn't leave like dat,and she has to be careful how she sleeps wiv him henceforth. And the arrogant man wasn't even sorry he claimed its dirtyness that causes genital herpes chaiii some men are bastards oooo. I seriously felt for his wife cos he had made her soo timid and quiet,I had to pump some adrenaline into her to always learn to stand up to d man,and my happiest achievement in the short while I spent wiv dem b4 I gt married was that she gained courage and began to stand up for herself. I somehow feel miss hautfe saying her dad was a good man,dis my uncle is a good dad to his kid also infact I wud almost say he's a better parent than his wife,I just pray he wud change before she begins to grow and other kids begin to come also.

Anonymous said...

@Hautefe,
Sorry to say this, but your father is a wicked and callous man. If you think he is a good man, chancing of you getting victimize from your spouse is high. I am saying this as a Victimologist. I have worked with women and children that have been abused, and many of them talk like you. They later get victimized and revictimized. You have to acknowledge your father is a bad man, so it will make you a stronger person. Without acknowledgment you may also be a victim of DV one day! A word is enough for the wise... Take care, and be safe!

Anonymous said...

@Hautefe,
Sorry to say this, but your father is a wicked and callous man. If you think he is a good man, chancing of you getting victimize from your spouse is high. I am saying this as a Victimologist. I have worked with women and children that have been abused, and many of them talk like you. They later get victimized and revictimized. You have to acknowledge your father is a bad man, so it will make you a stronger person. Without acknowledgment you may also be a victim of DV one day! A word is enough for the wise... Take care, and be safe!

Anonymous said...

i hate men generally, i cant even have a boyfriend because i can remember... oh yes! i can. all those nights of fights, heavy fights back at home with mum and dad... i dont think i can let myself love any man... at least not now...

*jennifer....

Anonymous said...

This is the story from "the child's" point of view. Now for all who keep soliciting that a woman remain's with an abusive man because of her kids I hope u now realise that the consequencies of a dysfunctional home is greater on the child(ren) telling from this lady's story and many other kids out there being raised in such abusive homes.

Anonymous said...

I know the story is from a child's point of view. She is also a victim of neglect(child maltreatment). Dumping her and her siblings at one uncle or aunts house is neglect! It is not until be slaps or beats her you will call it abuse! In as much as he failed to provide proper care and attention to his children, it wil fall under child maltreatment. She has to acknowledge that before she will understand! It's had to acknowledge that one has been abused! I have been raped( sexually abused), but I didn't know because I couldn't come to terms with the fact that I have been raped!
I got counseling, and I had to come to terms with it. I can tell you from experience. I am a better person and I try as much as possible to advise people in the little way I can.
So, @Hautefe should acknowledge and get help because she could be a victim of DV when she gets married. She will see it is as norm, and won't want to leave. This is know as social learning theory.

Anonymous said...

Hautefeif this is not an adaptation from a movie, out already or coming out soon, then ur dad is/wasa mean man
If u don't see anything wrong in what he did to ur mum and his own children, then there is a problem
He has damaged u guys emotionally, psychologically, mentally I can go on, and ur reason for loving him to pieces is whati want to know cause if u don't see him as mean, then if you marry a man like him, it's a cool cycle right?
Read ur story back, ur mum was never painted in a bad form but ur dad evil/mean ways took over ur types, he needs to apologise to u guys and ask for forgiveness from God as the dead woman cannot accept his forgiveness again and moreover only God forgives

HYBunny

Anonymous said...

I had an abusive boyfriend when in university. He had nothing when we met but he slowly built a thriving business. I dated him for like 3 years. He started out being so wonderful and slowly started changing. He was so jealous and hit me even when he was wrong including when I caught him with other girls. Afterwards he will say it was the devil or I made him do it. It was never his fault. I couldn't leave for a simple reason. I loved him. My whole family begged and bribed me to to leave him to no avail. One day I just sat down and realized it would never end. The beatings, womanizing, degrading talk and all. I don't know how I got the strength but I left. I cried for months o. I still loved him but it was too much. He begged and begged but I didn't go back. I still don't know how I got the strength. I must say my family gave me a lot of support. Well I thank God. I've been married to someone else for over 10 yrs now and have 2 kids and I am very happy. Yes we have our differences but here we have mutual respect for each other. Ladies pls just sit and think things through. Think of the future. Pls. I hear my ex beats the shit out of his wife and I shiver. That could have been me.

Anonymous said...

I rili do sympathize wt every one dat has gone thru DV.for does who were lucky to get out am glad u did alive.for doz still in..pls be wise!only a living cn do anytin..wen u die d world will go on. Am currently dating someone and he says he's nt a woman beater cos he has sisters. But he's a complete control freak!a jealous lover,manipulates me emotionally n psychologically... Hmm after goin thr d part 1 of DV diary and here the part 2 I realise 1 can b abused emotionally,psychologically n otherwise...I'm forced to seek help and advice if I shd quit this relationship (we aint engaged oo jus bf/gf)or wait n prays he changes.becos truly am not happy even though I love him.
He would'nt let me go out wt my frnds even when he does I must b chatting wt him tru out or calling him truout to knw all ma movements. I'm currently serving n even wen I close frm work or leave for work its to d extent of must call n height of send pictures.he leaves me scared most times.I feel more in bondage dan in a relationshp.he's insecurity is totally affecting wt I hav calld love for him.I dnt put him undr any of the kind of pressure he puts me.I can't do anytin without him knowing first,if I leave our bbm chat for 2mins its quarel n quarel that gets me begging @ his feet.if he sees any pic wt me n a male friend its quarel.if I miss his call even wen @ work its hell let loose. We've had terirble fights.I've tried to talk abt or many quarel n reason on hw to settle dem sometimes he listens bt 2days later its same tin. We've had horrible fights.he's told me severally he doesn't trust me n I shud neva bring up trust talks. Once afta 1 fight he said he'll start trusting me..as if there is love wtout trust.am so confused D relationship is nt up to a year and he's showed me his total sef!aside he's horrible side he's caring n all.bt he's bad parts play out more n I've rili lost d happiness in d relationship. Do I go on wt him and hope he changes or take a walk?(despite wa family n friends may say and jus let mysef be happy n wait for sm1 worth me). P:s we've bin quarelling for Some days nw...and he's nt called to makeup n I dnt intend to beg dis time arnd.

-Bunny!

hautefe said...

I know I'm emotionally damaged forget those therapy talk. I'm telling you'all my story as a child from such background so men&women would have an insight to the children's feelings
My mother died at 38. If u know maths minus 16 abi 17 from 38 and know how many years she spent in agony.she left 5 of us(all for my dad o)
Lemmi gist u the evening she died. I Called my dad at her prompting, he said he was coming from lagos that day,she sent me to the market, I cooked rice,she called her siblings esp her immediate younger sister who was having some marital problem. She wasevery1's listening ear. Well we had dinner,she had double portion and when nepa struck during nta news she went in. I lay down but fear no let me sleep. Daddy is coming. He came, I served him food, mid-way he asks will your mum say she didn't hear me come? Choi I thought these people sef. U can't u eat&meet her inside? This woman sef y u no go greet am welcome sef una wahala too much. I walked to the room : mummy daddy has come I said from the open door she doesn't sleep deep so I didn't expect she didn't even hear him come in not to talk of my info which I fel was just courtesy. I went back and said I have told her. She didn't come. He finished eating&just as was putting the remaining in d freezer(on d corridor beside their room) I heard him bellow her name(witheld)why will u sleep like that?what kind of nonesnse is this? I just drop the food&walked there. Indeed she lay across my baby bro(8months)almost sufforcating him and indeed my dad hates lousy sleep/ers. He walks to adjust her. Pulls her hand and guess what? It landed flat he's like huh?! I think he was really angry at d dept of the sleep and tapped her while trying to move her from "his child" and the whole thing falls flat. Na there him shout my name come&see your mum. My dears no need to shout coz u know what I was right behind him I wanted to prevent a quarell but ended watching drama. He screamed for water,she always had block by her bedside I reached& gave him. He shout name. Nothing. Next he screams I'm done for. Neighbours came they took her to d family clinic not too far, the man referred them to central hospital where she was declared BID. Truth is d 1st doc knew she's dead just didn't want to accept her body

Anonymous said...

Guys I understand where Hautefe is coming from. You see, quite apart from the DV that mother's suffer, I think Hautefe's mom was not one of such that would seat her kids down to narrate her bitter experiences with their father. If Hautefe herself didn't witness all these, or perhaps if she doesn't have a retentive memory that is now allowing her to relive what happened, the likelihood is that her mother may have never provided her the details until now. Hautefe is able to still love her father despite it all because, like she said, it came to a point in the whole drama that she decided to operate 'selective hearing'. And it worked for her.

I can also relate to a chunk of it, tho my mother didn't experience DV, but the times she would have mis understandings with my dad, times she wouldn't speak to him for months, she never involved her kids. Matter of fact we wouldn't know. I remember some instances when my father treated my mom so wrong, times he would abandon her etc. But bcos she's a professional, strong intelligent career woman who's known quite well in the society for her outstanding performance to serve the public..bcos of this, my father nurtured utmost respect for my mom until he died. She wasn't dependent on him financially, thank God...he knew that.. and it automatically earned her a much deserved respect. So first, a woman should be financially independent.

Like Hautefe, I also love my father with reckless abandon. My mom knows that and she's mindful of what she says about him when am around, she knows I would be upset. Yet, there's no being I love more than my dearest mom, I would kill for her, yes! So we have to balance the equation, be methodical when it involves ur parents even if u must stand ur grounds in support for one that is suffering from the other.

Hating will not change nada, hating will not bring Hautefe's mom back unfortunately (I say that with utmost respect to her soul)....But if Hautefe must live d rest of her life happily, she will have to pray God to forgive her father. I imagine that by now her father will be suffering from his bitter conscience, and for d rest of his life it will suffice it. Kids who carry bitterness bcos of a bad parent often live their lives full of resentments...they are never happy. Seeing all that happened to her mom is enough trauma in itself, so I won't encourage her to stay bitter for the rest of her life. Its an excess baggage that she needs to do away with before she gets married, otherwise it'll affect her home too. Hautefe my dear, your mom has lived her life very well, unfortunately with loads of trauma, But u have to start to put it behind u.. start to live your own life too. Judging from what you have narrated here you sound a young articulate lady. Means your mom did the needful in her lifetime, tho tru hardship..she was able to breed an intelligent girl like you. So celebrate your mom's life and leave your father to his conscience. I would say...Keep loving him! Bless u

Daughter of Zion

hautefe said...

Truth is I have never seen my dad more broken than that time. I nEed to add here that I won't absolve my mum's people of some blame. They could have helped her either maintain her marriage or get her out but selfish bunch of people. Beware of advice u take home every1.
Now here's y I can't hate my father. I'm sure he'll give his life for his children-me inclusive I also decided in split seconds before she joined mother earth, that I had only one parent and none of those family people will pull 2ru for 5 of us even if I joined them in killing my dad. So yes I took his side. Plenty drama followed but I stood by him. I can't be orphaned and I won't let anything hurt my siblings. I don't regret my stand. I have been a good sister&mother figure and God has gone beyond words to favour us

hautefe said...

If u know maths my mum died at 38 her 17years of marriage from 1986 was all hell. I won't wish any of what I witnessed for my enemy. Its like tooth ache. I knew in my heart she died of heart ache,bp/heart attck as u may wish but I have never said it for fear that my saying it makes it real. I don't want to hate my dad, we had our rough patches after her death but I learnt how to manage him and left home quick enough. I have never slept in that house more than 5x since I left. U know y? I'm haunted. I have never gone to benin for xmas or easter also. I built a home in my new city for my siblings. They holiday here. As we talk, the last 2just left today after midterm break

Anonymous said...

Hmmmmm nice one daughter of zion. Hautfe keep loving ur dad and always pray for him,and most of all always pray that God should compensate you with a good man,a man that would wipe away most of ur bad childhood memories with his love n care,a man like father,a brother,a husband,a lover and to cap it all the bone of ur bones. Tell God dt u do not want to continue the struggles of yor mother in ur own marital life. Do not fret my dear,God would give you the best man.

hautefe said...

I'm a really out going person so no one knows what pains I have subdued. I even shock myself. Look those of u using children as buffer during domestic fights God wiLl punish u o. That's not his will for children. You'll account for it on the last day(its so painful).
After the funeral, I cried every night b4 going to bed,smiled the next morning. Not a soul understood what was happening. Lemmi tell u-remember I said I really asked her to leave? During his trip we had bonded&talked and I told her I wouldn't mind if she moved out&inshort she had my blessings. I always felt I'm the reason for their misfortune that maybe if she wasn't pregnant for me maybe just maybe they won't have ended up in marriage.

hautefe said...

she told me she had gotten a 1bed room close to her work place but wasn't sure if to take it coz its near one of her relatives,she gave me half and agreed to give me her salary that month to pay for off campus accomodation as dear daddy won't hear of me staying in school. So after I paid, she'll move herself to the apartment she found. She had registered for a course in uniben. I agreed to babysit. God bless asuu strike coz just b4 she died,my younger bro would refuse my mum from carrying him, she was even jealous&said ha when school resume she go get problem o I don tif her pickin from her little did she know!!! All our plans, a lovely day by all standards coz he wasn't home,she was cool(no transferred aggression)I was then saddled with all this responsiblity

hautefe said...

she told me she had gotten a 1bed room close to her work place but wasn't sure if to take it coz its near one of her relatives,she gave me half and agreed to give me her salary that month to pay for off campus accomodation as dear daddy won't hear of me staying in school. So after I paid, she'll move herself to the apartment she found. She had registered for a course in uniben. I agreed to babysit. God bless asuu strike coz just b4 she died,my younger bro would refuse my mum from carrying him, she was even jealous&said ha when school resume she go get problem o I don tif her pickin from her little did she know!!! All our plans, a lovely day by all standards coz he wasn't home,she was cool(no transferred aggression)

hautefe said...

Her death brought him to his knees, he hasn't remarried nor been able to get his business up again let me not lie everyday of my life these years I regret not having a mother. Forget all the facade my smiling face put on. I lost my innocence&youth catering for us as daddy no get money nor mummy's support to cover his nakedness
Fast forward a few years I got in a relationship an abusive one ah!!! I know u were expecting this. Anyway I didn't know. His mother&sisters thought I was too expensive. One said my perfume was too expensive. Like seriously?! I dated this guy from family house, hnd holder(see low self esteem o&need for approval) got him to start part time and he moved out of the place, proposed&naturally yours truly said YES!!! Then the 1st slap, the jealously,the late night calls&early morning appearance at our gate!!! Whew!!! Nameless and countless drama he beat me that noisy me go dey door 1st b4 I open mouth lol and his sisters advice? They know he hits his women mine took too damn long. His mum's?! That I learn to be a better woman. Who will I tell? I'm motherless remember?!

hautefe said...

Yes I'm motherless. I got used to it. Till date my front tooth hasn't stopped shaking totally from one of those fights. My right ankle has never healed fully after several xrays. I can't wear heels. One time after caring for him 2ru appendix operation this guy insisted on sex, the thing tore they re-sew&he came to beat me ontop. I still can't get how I let him beat me coz I could have over powered him o. It goes to show its just d mind these men subdue. The only thing I know is just b4 it ended, one night in benin as him start nai I run outside o began to run to his neighbour's place 2ru d back gate and he pursued. I don't know how till date, I stopped picked a stone&aimed. Guess what it hit his head just b4 his eyes and whoa blood. Idiot like me, I join carrry am go hospital, them stitch the thing&came back home with him. What if he kill me ontop. And YES I'm stupid making these same mistakes my ma did. Don't blame me. I didn't have aunts to turn to. No1 really honestly cared(Imagine a world where how are u was a genuine question not a greeting)

hautefe said...

God was faithful as just b4 the marriage plans concluded, things fell apart. I'm not averagely beautiful not to exaggerate. I'm a real figure 8, intelligent and hard working. I have sold underwears, moved to uk clothes since uniben and have 3shops in abuja as we speak,have a job&stay in one of the most expensive areas please I'm not trying to brag but we are doing excellent I got "wiser" faced my family&books graduated the university, my sister got into the same schoolL so did my bro(that 3 of us) and by every standard, we're doing well. I'm just struggling to help the last 2 who are 14&9years through life.
As for dear daddy, I cater for his every need. Now this is ironical. I love my dad coz I'm a christian- its d right thing to do hate destroys, I won't give it a chance plus I can't hate him jare I have already been brainwashed. My dad regrets his life everyday and has become a pastor. I see through his eyes his regrets.
This life is so funny now he has faced God- no wife,no money

hautefe said...

As for marriage, I tell u na there k leg dey d matter. I'm afraid. I feel I have bad choices in men I'm attracted most times who are charming&all like my daddy. Despite my exposure I feel like I'm still a magnet for abuse so I'm very careful especially with these blood suckers looking for easy landing. My sister keeps telling me not to always be a door mat or avoid fights because I got in a relationship where the sisters are showing same possessive tendencies& I'm here claiming I prayed about him b4 when even my gut feeling says different. My sister& I actually had the talk 3days ago where we decided he's abusing me emotionally& I should walk out. Reading stella's blog is helping me make certain decisions and make me realise I'm a walking repercussion of DV and I'm applying this acceptance as step one to healing.

Anonymous said...

@Hautefe,
Like I said earlier. Acknowledgment is the key! As a Christain it is good to forgive and forget, and you also have to let go of your past. Your past is holding you back and it is affecting your relationships.
Rebrand yourself by changing your ideas about what you want in a man and a relationship. You can start by reading inspirational books, building your networks, making friends that will understand you, and lastly turning to God with your whole heart.

Babino said...

Hmmmm@hautfe dnt worry,God would never allow you marry a violent man IJN. You won't continue ur mother's struggles and challenges by the grace of God. For the sake of ur siblings and your dead mom,you have to strive,try to marry a good man ooo,please u do NOT ve a choice in the matter,dnt allow your siblings loose u to an abuser again. You kno if u marry an abuser he wud yank u away totally from ur siblings?they are good at dat oooo,he wnt let u cater for them cos he wud want to be d Lord of ur manor. Pls kk,for d sake of ur life n future n ur siblings wait for the right man kk? One gift God gave we women is the spirit of discernment,somehow somehow we kno this man is good,or bad,but cos of d desperation to be loved we go into an abusive relationship,someone I know wanted to marry a guy,the father was not too sure of the man but she insisted,now they wanted to support her to make her happy,then 2days to d intro,d lady started crying profusely,ah d sister saw her n asked kilo se e?kilo de?what's d matter?she said she's scared,she went to call deir dad to come n intervene,d lady now confessed that she lost her peace and she's soo scared of the union she's about to enter into,them don buy food n drinks ooo,na so d papa say ah u r scared?for intro lasanlasan?den dis is God at work,let's cancel all,dt was ow she broke out of the intro n all. Dts ow the spirit of discernment works oooo,d lady wud loose her peace someow someow. Singles in d house pls let's be vigilant kk,wait for d rite man,he's out dere,seek God for him. While u waiting, better ursef,improve on ur xter,be loving n open hearted n most of all be prayerful. God bless us all.Hapi sunday.

Anonymous said...

@Bunny, you don't need any advise for your case o!! U r not happy in the rship, run for your life. Marriage is about happiness α̲̅ήϑ peace of mind.

Anonymous said...

Hautefe.....I sympathise with u but ur father is a bad bad bad bad man.y u trying to convince urself to d contrary.

Anonymous said...

Bunny I know ure opening up&all but after everything uve read here ure still asking if u shd stay...pls don't ask stupid questions. ..

«Enchantress« said...

Okk, I think is tym 2 share
Really I dnt knw whr am going 2 4rm or how to put ds 2geda, I jes hope u get my message.

My parents were married 4 about 25 nd somethin yrs..yes abt 25yrs...altho av only witnessed my mum being beat up by my dad jes once, during one of d 'reconcilation meeting'...bt she ws emotionally, psychologically, intellectually, nd every oda abuse u cld think of aside 4rm physical...d thing is am confused why ds woman(my mum) is stil praying n fasting to come bck home, my dad sent my mum out of d house (ds happends almst everytym) bt ds tym it got longa dan expected dt ws in my 300l dt shld be 2010...many pastors intervened bt ds tym guess d man ws tired nd had had enof.

Okk, lemme be explicit,my parents met in church, whr dy were both choir members, dy started dating n afterwards, she got pregnant,(ds shld b arund 1985, cos my sis ws born jan1986), my dad n few of his family members went to my mums family house in IB n askd 4 her hand in marriage...wen dy got dere, my dad postrated infrnt on my mums dad, den he asked my dad wat he does 4 a living,my dad tld him he is her police officer, my grandfada ws enraged on hearing ds n said he will neva give his daughter to a police officer dt dy re d most irresponsible pple on earth, my dad being d stubborn man he is afta so much plea 4rm his family members, my grandfada still insisted n tld dem 2 leave his house,den my dad wanted 2 stand up n leave(dnt 4get he postrated)b4 one of his relative pulled him dwn nt to stand up nd my grandfadas younger bro talked 'sense' into my grandfada n afta all d drama he gave he accepted n gave d blessing

Definitely I wsnt born al dose tym bt walai my father is a gud storyteller, av heard ds story more than one million tyms, it follows a particular order, dt afta one story I knw d story dt wee follow,loolz, so trust me, everyfin ere is nt a movie....my dad says ds is d day he regrets most in his life, dt he wld av resented wen one of his relative pulled him dwn wen he wantd to stand up nd leave, he said he wld av left, nd he wnt av to be wif ds 'woman', my mum.....nt 2 4get dt my mum ws alredy pregnant, dy got married bt nt LEGALLY, I dnt knw wen d problem started bt I knw I ws born into it..... To be continued

MS KAY said...

Leaving.....6....
part 1

Mr Kay can be described in 2 ways..... To the PUBLIC, he is the friendliest, charming, philanthropist extraordinaire....if his town were to have a governorship candidate it will be him.....about 50 ongoing scholarships, buildings to the churches, schools.....donating to orphanages.......so many of his FRIENDS constantly bailed out when in financial needs..... The list could go on ......to his own SIBLINGS.....he was and still is the best brother anyone could ask for....always meeting their financial needs...always giving....and on and on it goes.....to his CHILDREN he is the best dad......like I said earlier he DOES not beat them,,,,, NEVER...has never beaten them....calls them his princes and princesses......only talks to them quietly.....favors are given liberally. Whether deserved or not..... And there lies the paradox..... At home....inside our home he was everything to the contrary with me...... If we went to functions ....(we rarely go together) he will save all his wahala to when we get home......so there was no way people would believe me..... Till date some of my inlaws believe his story that i packed out, abandoned him and the children......some of his friends think I am the wife that cannot be satisfied.......with all that my husband (that wonderful man) has done....... I think the only people who really knew what was going on we're my parents....(he goes to report to them all the time any way), my children (towards the end most of the abuse....in all forms... were in front of them), when he finishes either the bearing or the WORDS....and as usual storms out....all of them.....all of them will rally round....saying SORRY MUMMY....the helps....like house girls, drivers....and other helps....(on a particularly bad one....where he plummeted my face like Mohamed Ali....the driver rushed to bring my parents)..... And my siblings...... They all knew and these 2 sides of him made my life a misery.....

So when he woke up the following day and innocently told my children "mummy didn't come home last night" they believed him...but the eldest was worried because I called her just as I was leaving the function to inform her of my movements.....so she insisted on calling me.....strangely as she told me....he had collected all their phones that morning, on the excuse that he was going to recharge it.....but my mum she wanted and needed to talk to them ... We later got through to one of the helps at home and he gave his phone to my daughter who then innocently asked me why I didn't come home last night....I asked her to come to my parents house but before that I told all of them the truth....yes they confronted Him with what I said....and he changed his story.......................he said 1. He expected me to beg him.....but that I just barged out angrily and drove off...2. That when I drove off he expected me to turn round and beg again.....3. That i just told him to go to hell and bragged that im off.........4. That Even now I must come back with my parents and he will call all his family and I must beg him in front of them all.....that is the only condition under which I will come back to his house...........

MS KAY said...

leaving 6
part 2



I took it all in....and later in the day all of my children came to see me.....my mum...(bless her) ranted and raved .....go and tell that your father.....it's over....we gave him a daughter....a living daughter and she will not die.......and on and on...... I sent them back for only one item......my BOX OF DIARIES.......luckily somehow when my daughter was coming she packed a few things for me + MY PASSPORT.....that so happened to have been in the overnight bag she brought..... As soon as she brought my box of diaries... I calmly opened to her all that had been happening to me.....(yes she knew anyway).....told her to go back and tell him all I said and listen to his comments....I then put my things in the car.....made one or two calls......took out my SIM card from the phone.....told my parents I wanted to go on a retreat ......and I disappeared..........

As at that day.....he had not slept with me for 5years......

«Enchantress« said...

Even as a daughter, derz nuffin u cn do to please my dad...okkk, lemme tell u dt wen we were mch younger nd til nw, my dad had ds unique way of hooting (car horn) once we hear his horn lyk ds everyone including my mum, his wife wil be running to fix every liTtle thing in d living room, while TWO pple rushes 2 d gate, afta d 'fixing' we go to d car to welcum him, afta dt we al result to d kitchen or d backyard.... D funny thing is even wen we re eating nd we hear d horn u, u jes gotta leave ur food,den finish ur food outside....

My dad threw my mum out a lot, I dnt usually knw cause of d fight wen I ws much younger bt b4 I knw it, mum is no longer home, pple re cuming to beg, dad is being aggressive on us, afta so much emotions nd begging, mum is bck home.....oKk, one of my dads tales, wen I ws jes 6months old, dad threw mum out, he said d shop he opened 4 mum to be selling foodstuffs wif so mch money, mum had 'chopped' d whole shop, dad claimed dt he has neva requested or taken anyfin 4rm d shop without paying, so aw cum d shop is nw dry, so he sent her out, he said he had had enuf nd wsnt ready to take her bck (ds ws nt d 1st sending out o) bt wen one of his frnds came to plead win him dt if my dad sees my body, he wil b forced to take her bck...on hearing ds, his heart cldnt take it n summoned 4 a meeting wiff mums family...afta evry evry n upon seeing my body, mum ws home again....(Contd)

funmsy said...

@ Ms kay this ur diary is just making me cry everytime I'm reading it,I can't imagine u went tru all these for 19years! God is good

Olanna said...

DV has more effects on the children from such homes. My father is d type of man dat believes in beating wives and children. To him, that's the only way to show he is the man. Till today he still has dat mentality. My mom, siblings and I have passed tru torture in his hands. I am not here to talk of his bullying attitude towards us bt to talk of the effects it has on me and entire home. D feeling I grew up frm my childhood wit is hatred. I remember vividly as a child of 4yrs in nursery 3, I blunty told my seat mate dat I hate my father. I can't remember wat made me say dat but I remember d gal running to our teacher to report me. My teacher ws horrified and asked me to say God forbid 3 times which I did. My father never showed love except wen he wants to show off to his pple tru material wealth. He would beat us to stupor at any lil provocation or mistake. My mom got a full load of emotinal and physical abuse in d presence of her child and behind closed doors as well. At a point all of us became sadists in d house. My brother also took his turn in beating all of us cos he is d oldest. Whenever we report him to our mother, its either she scolds us d more or wen she goes out he gives us double portion for reporting him. Tho a very intelligent child,I grew up not knowing wat self confidence is. I was very fearful and timid and constantly reminded how I can't do anytin right by my mom and everyone arnd me. My mom repeatedly put me down wit her words cos I look like my father. She calls me ugly, obanje and a loser. I didn't knw wat love was all about and I never loved myself. I never believed I could do anytin except in area of academics where I always topped my class. I finished secondary sch at 16 and dat was wen my parent's marriage finally fell apart. I had fantasies of being a virgin till I get married and hv a sweet home for myself,I equally dreamt dat by 20 I wld hv settled down. But wat I saw dat year of my parent's separation changed my thinking. Luckly or unluckly I gained admission into d university dat same year.I never knew love so I trusted all d love approaches I was gettn from men. I had my first bf at 17 bt within months he deflowered me n left me heartbroken. Then came numerous other bfs. I am a very calm and gentle gal who wanted love desparately bt I cldnt give it out cos I ws locked up. Men came n left me. I abused myself by sleeping with them in d hope of falling in love bt I never did. Years passed and I gaduated at 20. I am 25 now bt yet to find a steady job cos of d unemployment situation in the country, even wen I try learning a trade some inner voice tells me I can't. I have lost count of how many men I hv slept with and what torments me is d abortions I hv had all dese years(I hv done 7). I am totally ashamed of myself and I feel worthless. I feel dat no one wld want me again and I do wonder why God still has mercy by keeping me alive despite my sins. Tho my mom does not knw dat part of me but she constantly torments me dat no man will ever want me and an unconcious part of me believe her.

Olanna said...

When people describe me as intelligent, brilliant and pretty I wonder if dey were seeing clearly. Most times I hv cried myself to sleep pleading for God's forgivness n for him to queitly take my life at sleep cos of d guilt I habour. I hv equally become suicidal of late. I live wit my mother and every day she reminds me dat I am as useless as my father and I can as well die so she will hv peace of mind. I can't keep any male friend cos a part me tells me dat they are just for sex(did I mention dat I was molested by dat my elder brother as a child?). All my friends are females and to all of them I am a very wonderful friend to hv so they wonder why I never hv a relationship going on for me. I still wish to get married and hv kids bt so many questions keep coming to my head...who will get attracted to me? Will he stay wit me out of love or pity? Can I ever love? And d one dat bothers me d most is if I will ever bear children. I am really broken n damaged, sometimes I wonder d essence of my existence...

Anonymous said...

DeMyk says : Olanna, I am so sorry on behalf of men that have toiled with your heart and abused your body. You re made whole by the stripe of his (Jesus) wound. God will send you a very good man. Judging from what you have gone through, I am sure you will love for life. Just be patient with your mum and don't allow her nags get to you. As you well know, she is only taking out her frustration from your dad on you. Try and get a job no matter how small. It will help keep your mind occupied

Anonymous said...

Olanna sorry about everything, you are not bad , a lot of people have had abortions, bottom line is now you realise it is not right n a sin so don't do it again please.if your mom keeps telling you r better of dead or this and that,ignore al ds statements, infact this should motivate you, this should challenge you,make you determined to succeed in life.The bible says if we confess our sins he is faithful and just to forgive us, God knows you were helpless n taken for granted In your bid to find love and get out of the house.My dear you will have kids when you are married abortion or no abortion by Gods grace.Try n engage in productive things, intensify your search for a job, if you are good at any handiwork, face it, try not to be idle. On the other hand if you can afford to improve yourself , do it, masters or professional courses, just preoccupy yourself. An idle mind is the devils workshop.The ones who think you are a failure will eat their words when God starts to manifest in your life. Be prayerful and move close to God, ask for his guidance and direction, your husband will come, don't be desperate and don't be in a rush. Finally never engage in premarital sex again, any man that loves you will wait till you get married, abeg keep your body, you have been there and done that, don't let any joker cajole you with sweet mouth, love u dear n God loves u. All d best.

Anonymous said...

Olanna sorry about everything, you are not bad , a lot of people have had abortions, bottom line is now you realise it is not right n a sin so don't do it again please.if your mom keeps telling you r better of dead or this and that,ignore al ds statements, infact this should motivate you, this should challenge you,make you determined to succeed in life.The bible says if we confess our sins he is faithful and just to forgive us, God knows you were helpless n taken for granted In your bid to find love and get out of the house.My dear you will have kids when you are married abortion or no abortion by Gods grace.Try n engage in productive things, intensify your search for a job, if you are good at any handiwork, face it, try not to be idle. On the other hand if you can afford to improve yourself , do it, masters or professional courses, just preoccupy yourself. An idle mind is the devils workshop.The ones who think you are a failure will eat their words when God starts to manifest in your life. Be prayerful and move close to God, ask for his guidance and direction, your husband will come, don't be desperate and don't be in a rush. Finally never engage in premarital sex again, any man that loves you will wait till you get married, abeg keep your body, you have been there and done that, don't let any joker cajole you with sweet mouth, love u dear n God loves u. All d best.

Donnes Dola said...

₪☺ be small stupid question!$
U̶̲̥̅'re clearly unhappy, U̶̲̥̅ have a chance to get out n U̶̲̥̅'re still askn for permission to be happy? ♏v̶̲̥̅ dear, be wise. Wisdom is profitable

Anonymous said...

It's official! I love sdk! Why?? Because this is the first time I'm witnessing Nigerian women in particular stand for each other and offer words of support! So sterra! Thanks for making this happen! For some reason, I feel like I have sisters all over nigeria now! And trust me, that's a damn good feeling...
God bless us all!

Anonymous said...

My heart goes out to ladies dat have suffered in d hands of men. My eyes r filled wit tears. @olanna take heart ure still young and believe in God cuz there's nothing he can't do. @ms kay thank God ure finally free. My dad abused my mum emotionally,psycologically n financially bt thank heavens dat she got away(give d details later).

Rubynnia said...

Olanna,

Your thinking and mindset need a total repair and makeover.

Your dignity, self esteem and worth have been reduced to nothing due to the environment who grew up in. Your mother is like that to you because you remind her of your dad and she's taking the frustration of his actions and attitude to her on YOU(his carbon copy).

I kindly beseech you to read up this link to encourage and lift up your spirit: http://www.wivestownhallconnection.com/2013/05/i-cant-do-this-anymore.html?m=1#comment-form

No one can help you except you decide to help yourself and insist enough is enough! We can talk from today till tomorrow, if your mind isn't ready for a breath of fresh air and hope, it'll be a waste.

If people say you are INTELLIGENT, BRILLIANT & PRETTY, don't you think there's something they've seen in you that you can't see? It is said that it's others that see what we can't see.

You said it yourself that you topped your class in school, didn't you? Then babe, I'm saying it to be you are INTELLIGENT, SMART, BRILLIANT & BRAINY. No one that take that from you irrespective of the ugly and scornful words said to you.

My mom tells me everytime to always think good about myself even when I sometimes think bad. She says:"the battle field is in the heart." Haven't you heard that as a man(woman) thinketh, so is he(she)?

If you still harbour these belittling and doubting thoughts about yourself, my dear, na there you go dey but the moment you KILL those thoughts and start having great and positive ones about yourself, you'll see a MASSIVE turnaround in your life.

Regarding love life, love yourself first cos that's the most important thing. Build up your dignity and esteem and never let your happiness be dependent on a man rather let it be on GOD, your creator. Start that business, kill and destroy that negative thought of business failure; infact, challenge yourself by embarking on that business and imagine yourself making it big!

You've suffered enough! You only have one life to live. Please live it being happy and fulfilled. I'm ending with Christina Aguilera's song (modified for you):
You are beautiful; no matter what they say
Words can't bring you down
Your are beautiful; in every single way words can bring you down
So don't let them bring you down today!

PS; please pardon my long comment; just felt like uplifting her spirit.

Anonymous said...

mhen, i'm scared, but i am believing God that he will match me with the right man. the more i read, the more scared i am. the whole thing seem like a common thing in our society. i know someone whom the husband battered for any reason not accepted by him. one day she organized some thugs and paid them to beat her husband in her presence on his way back from work. afterwards, she took him home. he couldn't believe it and she made him understand that it is the same kind of hurt she feels when he hits her. when he recovered from the shock, it took him months to accept that she was the same person he used to know for their 5 years of marriage. but they are still together.
i feel the husband learnt his lesson somehow and i quote, "life is beautiful and we must love it, it is a gift from God, no man should cut it short" #bibian#

Anonymous said...

Heart and eyes filled with tear **dzy**

Anonymous said...

madam bunny why dont u pick anther name
I'm HYBunny
and I'm sure people wl think we r same
blog identity is very important, i dont want to identify wt anyone!
many thanks in picking a good name for yourself
may God heal all d women involved esp Hautefe, its not easy but God loves you(amen)

HYBunny

Anonymous said...

yes u can get married abd have children. give ur life to christ,surrender all to him and gp yp a bible based believing church whrre u will hear d undiluted word of God. let me tell u u cannot change ur past but u can determine ur furture by being strong. talk utself up,u have a glorious future ahead of u. God is still un d busi.ess of doing wonders.havent u heard of pe ople without womb havi.g children?i pray God will give u a abusive free husband and godly children. cheer up there is hope for u. a xtain

Joseph William said...

@olanna you're young and yes you are INTELLIGENTand PRETTY and i know you'll become somebody important in this life... GOD WILL BLESS YOU AND THE WORKS OF YOUR HANDS IJN

Anonymous said...

I don't know... I just don't know what to say.... What words can use to comfort you guys... What words are appropriate? What words can actually do he job properly, I don't know, I don't know what to say. The one thing I sure can do is remember you all in prayers, and I promise I certainly will especially the girl with the story of her step dad sleeping with her and am incredibly proud of you for still sticking by her even when she didn't stick for u. I wish had the same courage you do. You see have been thru hell and back and the hell again. My mum abandoned me and my siblings when we were pretty young and my dad was violent so we had no love shown to us and we had to do all alone by ourselves, I had no one to teach me about my period cycle, moved from one place to another, lost the only woman that could have made me and my siblings lives better (step mum), was sexually, physically and emotionally abused, was bullied, suffered from depression for yrs (was on pills), attempted suicide, literally use to live in the hospital and worst of all the low self esteem, the insecurities, the whole world looked down on me and still does.... But am still standing you know, am patiently waiting for that light at the end of the tunnel, although I do still gt little ideas of suicide but am also scared I might miss something if I go... Something new, something amazing. Well the moral of the story is I can't seem to forgive my mum, like let it go even though am not thinking about it. I understand that she was a victim of DV as well but regardless I feel like you are suppose to use your problems to make a better tomorrow for yourself and kids rather than pass down your pains and troubles to them... You know

Anonymous said...

Pls seek help... Get the appropriate people to help her... Help her to voice out. Please

Omotunde said...

These stories are so sad and heartbreaking to think women go through all this toture and bear it. I really emphatise with them and i am sure there are still a lot of women out there with so many more worse problems and they have no where to run to. I have a friend who is going through real toture in her home,she married very young and had two kids in quick succesion, her hubby beats her on a regular basis, hardly sleeps with her(they have seperate rooms)i have sent her this link hopefully she will read and gain from it. I am one of the lucky few to be blessed with a wonderful, caring man that will never hurt me, we have our arguements and fights but never as he raised a hand to me or physocologically or sexual abuse me, i give God thanks daily for this. i will like to advise all women going through DV , you can get out, whether you believe it or not there are still good men out there and God will lead you to such men. God bless you all.

MS KAY said...

April 06

PRAYERS OF AN ABUSED WOMAN

LORD .... I come to you, I need you.. come Lord, sit with me and just share this night with me......I'm awake Lord, can't sleep. I'm afraid Lord....I can't think...all my fears have come upon me......the darkness seems to enshroud me....Lord I am that woman at the well.....I am sitting alone..... I really don't know that to do.......I've got no more friends....no family.....the sky seems to be falling over me,,,,
YET....
You detoured for thr woman at the well... You knew she would be alone and you showed up....and ......it baffles me LORD....that......you just knew and you went looking for her.....come today.....come and look for me......come Lord......sit at my well and ....just come Lord...
You slept off in the midst of thr storm...as if you didn't care....there is a storm in my life.....it's all gone overboard now!!!!!
I'm frantically with worry
I worry
I worry
I worry
But you said...why worry when you can pray.......trust Jesus ...He knows the way..don't be a doubting Thomas just lean upon His promise....so....why worry...worry...when you can pray......
Wake up Lord...it's dawn.....I didn't sleep.....the storms almost swallowed me up.....wake up Lord and speak......peace....peace.....peace.......BE STILL

To be contd.

Anonymous said...

PH BABE

SDK, thanks for this post on domestic violence and abuse.
Well I feel so sorry for the women going thru any kind of abuse from their partners but I am also mad at these women for staying that long when u know u dont deserve to be treated that way.
I have had only 2 guys in d past that hit me and believe me, I hit them back.
One of them, his drunk friend was hitting on me, so I told my fiance to talk to him as I wouldn't want to be nasty to a drunk. Well he got mad and said becauae I think i am beautiful but he
was going to make sure no man talks to me again. I tthought it was a joke, when we got home he started hitting me aiming at my face and saying he would disfigure my face. Just cos i told him to talk to his drunk friend hitting on me. Well to cut the story short, I cut him bad and I know it will leave a scar on him. When he saw his blood he stopped and I told him calmly that if he respected me, he would have protected me from his drunk friend, but he didn't because he thought I was worthless and that he made the mistake of hitting me because I promised myself never to take that from any man.
I called a taxi and left him for good.
He called after I left for one week begging but nope. A real man would never hit a woman and I want a real man.

Anonymous said...

PH BABE

the other guy, called me I didnt hear him calling because I was doing the laundry and was not with my phone, well when he got home he started nagging and I apologised but he didnt want none of that.
I told him what I was doing and when I saw his calls and tried to call back I heard him drive in that was y I didnt call. While explaining to him, he
was undressing and the next thing I knew while I was talking he used his belt on me and was like did he ask me what I was doing that made me not pick his calls, that he doesn't care but whenever he calls, I must answer.
Well I just smiled, let him hang his belt in the wardrobe before I walked back to the wardrobe collected the belt and used the buckle part of the belt to hit him back and hard and told him the last time I checked I was in a relationship with someone I want to call my friend not someone who would hit me like I am nothing or treat me like I am in a military camp, threw his belt away picked my things and packed my bags and walked out with him standing at the same spot looking at me shocked I could hit back. When I got to his gate he came running with only his boxers on calling me to please stop and come back but I didnt look back.

Anonymous said...

PH BABE

Yes our society makes it hard for divorced women. But this same society makes the men think if u cant stand the heat, leave because there are million ladiea out there that would glady take your place.

Anonymous said...

PH BABE

I have seen friends being abused and used by their partners and I take it upon myself to make things right but during the fights they want someone's pity and understanding which I dont give cos I cant pity you or I dont understand y u choose to put yourself thru that disrespect.
I talk to them advise them, on some occasions I took pictures of the girls and threatened the guys that if they ever come close to my friends I would report to the police with the pictures of her condition.
I even gave some of these girls money.
One of them I took her to the airport, bought her flight ticket home to her parents and still gave her extra cash. She came to my house the night before all bloodied.
I left her at the airport, on my way home she called and was apologising that her abusive boyfriend begged her not to leave and she was waiting at the airport she wanted to give him a second chance. The boyfriend later called me abusing me, I told him that if truly is a man, je should try insult me outside and I will set a man like him to deal with him if he dares insult me
Well I told her good for her but 2 weeks later she was at my door with swollen eyes. I opened my door and calmly told her I had place for her to stay but won't let her in. My other friends were begging but I refused.

Anonymous said...

PH BABE

I met a lady through a friend that during a period when she didnt have a place to stay, she started living with her bf
this guy she was staying with she claimed loves her but was always hitting her and only does her from her number 2 and one day she was talkingabout how she has to also do the man's friends when he asks.
She was saying this like it was normal and she would do this because she loves the man and he loves her.
Well I talked to her and she started crying. I told her I could rent her a room with my own money because she was better than that and find somwthing better to do.
She told me she would think about it but I never saw her again.

Anonymous said...

PH BABE

I have a close friend that is in an abusive relationship and the guy uses her too. He takes all her money that she is now so broke and looks so unkempt.
They live in Holland. Because of this guy her kids were taken from her. He is not the father of the kids but she is still woth the bastard.
When I visited her I told her if she doesnt leave the guy, she should never ever call me because I hate friends who dont know and want what is best for them


Anonymous said...

PH BABE

I can be stubborn or hot tempered but I control it, I never disrespect my partner.
I believe in dialogue not argument.
I have never raised my voice on a man too but that doesnt mean when I see the signs of disrespect I will stay. No I won't.
If u can knowingly disrespect me in any way, to me I feel you think I am worthless that is y u think u can abuse, use or disrespect me. Well I also know I am not worthless so y should I waste a second of my precious time with a worthless guy that can never know, appreciate my worth or either he is not man enough so he is intimidated and wants to feel like a man by trying to break me and make see myself as he seees me.
If u see yourself as someone precious, you will never take nonsense from any man and if u see yourself like sh*t whatever sh*t he throws at you, you will and can take because that is what u made yourself, shit.
I have been there. I am divorced. My ex husband never hit me no matter how drunk the bastard got himself.
But he disrespected me and yes my family and friends all said I should think of what I was walking away from. The money, he is stinking rich. He never insulted me but to me marriage is not about the money. I am able to make my own money, so I told my friends and family that anyone that advised me to stay even when they knew I wasnt happy in the marriage I will see that person as my enemy that doesn't want my happiness. So they stopped bothering me.
I have been divorced for 3 years. I am in a relationship and he is begging for us to tie the knots but nope, not now.

Anonymous said...

PH Babe, u're a very good person, pls keep the good work n God will bless u, Stella Dee God bless u for giving us ladies dis opportunity to bond n share our pains on dv, i got my own share from my step mum n d first man i dated. May God heal every broken heart here and strengthen everyone of us here to knw when its time to work away.

Bella ragazz...

Anonymous said...

PH BABE

sorry for my typos.


Life is too short, take others like u want to be taken and dont let nobody take u likeu dont want to be taken

MS KAY said...

PRAYERS Contd
(Same day)

......and I toiled Lord.....I worked ..just like peter ...I toiled all night and what did I catch.......promises (empty)....aspersions on my character.......snide remarks....tiredness numbness from just working and working and working.....I worked Lord and caught nothing..... I worked Lord, because I had to .....my marriage didn't work, so something had to work......someone had to work.... And that was me......so when you entered boat.....when you entered my business.....it all looked so odd, I had lost all my self esteem....but You casually came in.....sat down...and said.....LAUNCH OUT
Ahhhh!!!!! It's not possible....it's never been done.....I'm tired..... And Low Self Esteem (LSE) my LSE became Lords School of Economics....and things began to happen and it's still happening even now..... The nets are about to break..... Shop 1,2,3,......ahh!!!!!!LORD

Lord it's darkest just before dawn, and as this day breaks forth into light, Lord let that light shine over me and as the darkness melts away into sunlight ....let the dark areas ....dark issues of my life melt away....let this new day bring a ray of sunshine.....give me a sign for good Lord that they may know that you are for me....show me yourself...show up today Lord and help me and be my partner...

MS KAY said...

Leaving 7....part 1

As I drove away from my parents home..... I really had no clue yet as to my destination...but In my usual way I started talking to God....over the years ....I found a very peaceful way of praying ....I just talk to God...I ask Him to come and sleep beside me ....especially on those nights when all I just want is a kiss and a cuddle.....I talk..tell Him how I feel....about my day.... I just have the normal conversations I should be having with oga with Him...and I always find peace and lots of indirect and sometimes direct answers.... On the night I was sent out...I had one of those conversations with HIM..... Suddenly the pastor of the night before (the one who asked me to go to my parents) called to see how I was doing...I told him I needed to just be away for a while just to be able to pray and meditate on my next steps...because I knew that oga will definitely begin his moves again.....and this time, I was not ready.... The pastor and his wife then asked me to come over to them.... I drove to the other part of town......very very far away.......... It was in this wonderful home of this wonderful couple that I spent my first one whole month..... I didn't tell anyone where i was...I had switched off my phone..... And I knew God had again ordered and directed my steps...... Yes I took nothing..... Lived in one boubou and some wrappers....but I didn't go out...all I did was just sleep and pray..... No... I couldn't pray..... The pastor and his wife did...,... They pray all the time in that house anyway....and they always ministered to people.....so people were always coming and going and prayers always being said....I just sat....slept...cried.....through it all.....WHY.........

MS KAY said...

leaving 7....part 2


Suddenly in my 2nd week into my stay...I hit an all time low......I didn't understand it,,,,all I did was just cry and cry.....the tears just couldn't stop.....every time....anytime....all I could do was cry....sometimes I would sob myself quietly to sleep...and as suddenly as it came ....the gloom lifted.....the cloud was gone........and God just kept on reassuring me....sending strangers to tell me things...sending strangers to reassure me..... Sending total strangers to feed me.... Sometimes maybe I'm missing my children and someone will just send a message to me....that they saw my children.....AND SOMEHOW....I NOW KNEW WHAT TO DO..... The strong bold woman that the therapist saw in London.....began to emerge and bloom in that period of ALONENESS.... I BEGAN TO TAKE FIRM AND BOLD STEPs........ And one day I woke up and told my hosts that I had a plan......we prayed and a month after I left..... I switched on my phone..... I WAS READY...............,,

Lessons

1. Leaving is not the end.....it's the beginning
2. When you leave expect the worst that can happen and then have a plan
3. Don't expect the world to back you up.....in actual fact prepare to be alone.....it's an ALONELESS life you are going into....get used to it
4. Some of your best friends (especially the married ones) will run away from you....you become a high risk..........and will not want you around them.....dont worry......will explain later
5. Expect help from unusual places.....
6. Leaving is not ONE BIG STEP......rather its taking lots of SMALL STEPS...THAT WILL ALL ADD UP LATER
7. Most importantly PRAY.....to GOD....ALLAH...... U need help from above.,..... You need help from around you ....and it's only the HIGHEST that can send that help....He delivereth me from mine enemies: yea, thou liftest me up above those that rise up against me: thou hast delivered me from the violent man. (Psalm 18:48 KJV) note that the arm of flesh may fail you....not also that it was a raven that God sent to feed Elisha at the brook. 1 kings 17.... So you need Help from above......
8. Finally Remember in the bible when God told Elijah to go back to the king and elijah said all the prophets That could help him had died....God told him that he had kept 700 prophets alive in a cave.............YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY WOMAN IN THE WORLD GOING THROUGH ABUSE.......AND YOU ARE NOT THE FIRST TO LEAVE......LOOK AROUND YOU.......WE ARE HERE.............that invisible army ......you will not walk alone.......

Deliver me, O Lord, from the evil man: preserve me from the violent man; (Psalm 140:1 KJV)

Anonymous said...

Ms kay, so short of words and in tears, all i can say is you're my HERO, as d wilderness has turned into a friutful ground for u, dat fruitful ground shall multiply n multiply and burst forth, into every corner on dis earth, d world is urs dear. Love u

Bella ragazz...

Anonymous said...

Wao!Goose pimples all over me!God bless u MS kAy!

Anonymous said...

Ms Kay, not everyone is strong enough to get to where you have reached and I am so proud of you that you were able to get to where you have gotten. It is easy for some to say just leave but not everyone can especially when you have seen the good sides of an evil man. After all no matter how much we are taught the consequences of sin and the evil that is the devil, we still fall prey from time to time as we are human. It is only by the grace of God that we can come out of despair. I learned a long time ago that when someone hurts you badly, it is ok to go as that person is not for you and we all deserve the best. That does not mean that we are all perfect. I also learned that it is ok to be alone for life or until the right person for me comes along. It is not easy as there are lonely nights. But I ask myself, is it better to have a husband that shares my bed but destroys me physically, emotionally and mentally or is it better for me to have my bed to myself with a sound mind and body? I pray that God gives all women and men facing such trying times in their homes the courage to get up and go. I pray that God orders every step they take and show them that he loves them above all else. I pray that from the moment they wake till when they lay down at night, that they feel God's embrace. I pray he sheilds them from despair and evil.

Anonymous said...

I am in awe of you, the strength that God gave you and also keeping you alive to tell your story to help others.
May God continue to help you and all the abused women.

As for me I think I will follow my sister to her kickboxing classes just in case my future husband decides to morph from husband to batterer I will reciprocate the favour.

I love you Stella !!!

andrea said...

Olanna am so sori abt dis,bt I tink I share a part of ur story on d self abuse nd desperation 4 luv(1 abortion tho),girl I feel d same way 2,am 23 nd sumtimes I feel I wld fall in2 a delayed marriage nd pregnancy,am a beautiful,ebony,petite nd a 9ce figured gal,buh I get abused by man,dey kum wit d lovey dovey attitude nd den dey disappear leavn ma bk 2 square 1,pls dnt judge me I ve 4 sisters nd only 1 of dem is married wit series of miscarriage,d oldest is 36yrs old.I dnt kno wat 2 do wit maself,pls if u ve any advice 4 me pls help me.

Anonymous said...

PH BABE

I have sent tried sending this link to everyone woman I know, whether they are in any kind of abusive relationship or not. Just so they could learn from other people's experience. or maybe they know someone too that this post could just be their turning point, A source of strength to finally put a stop to being dehumanised. every one sharing, u should know u can be a better
person, please u just have to know what is best for you and not what is best for ur family, society or your kids

If u r not happy how can ur kids be happy? If u r staying put because of the kids? U may not see but ur unhappiness is not only affecting u but the kids.
If that man kills u during those fights, u definitely know when u r 6ft under he will be getting his groove?

Will society or your family stop him from living his life, no?
Will society and family take care of those your lovely kids that u used as an excuse to stay the way u would love to take care of your kids, no.

Dont use finance as excuse please. I always tell ladies to remember in Nigeria there is nothing like child support, alimony. If there is a divorce, u will be the one out in the street, broke unless you have something to fall back to, sometimes the kids taken from u. So y would u want to be a fulltime house wife when u can do something and save for rainy days or save for your kids.
Most ladies tell me that their husband refused them working or starting any kind of business.
Well when I got married to my ex. He refused me to work.
I told him no problem but then u have to pay me to be a fulltime house wife, he agreed. I saved part of the money he was paying me and right under his nose I started my tailoring business in the guest chalet.
He came back one day from his numerous business trip and saw the guest chalet was a tailoring shop with boutique. He didn't know when I set everything.
He was surprised. He didn't say anything just walked into the house and I followed him and i told him well now I can be a full time house wife and a tailor the same time and all at home.
He didnt argue, he even supported me and gave more capital to run the business.
I started businesse outside, that he knew nothing of. Bought property, plots I would just fence and leave.
Well I wont say after leaving my husband all was rosy, nope.

I left the state to another state. Rented my apartment, shop and workshop.
Now I wouldnt have been able to do all these if I had sat as a housewife without income.
When the going was tough I even sold some plots to get back on my feet.

Anonymous said...

PH BABE

My parents divorce was experience teacher.
My mum started with my dad when he had nothing and believe me when I say nothing.
They worked hard and he made it
We had more than 11 cars sitting in our house. He had hotels, estate and companies.
My mum didnt have nothing and all these were only in his name all because she loved him and she thought he loved her.
Well, when he threw her out, he threw her out with nothing.
So I ask do u think I would want to make that mistake.
With no children, alimony or child sure, she left broke and empty.
My parents never argued one day but my dad decided to bring in a new wife as he became so wealthy claiming my mother isnt thoroughly educated so he wanted to marry someone more educated.
One thing led to another and he sent her out on a rainy night. Took her car keys with only the clothes she had on.
I have been there so I know.
My mum taught me and she taught bme well.
Never let anyone disrespect u, she always says, and never disrespect no one.
Always leave when u see signs of being disrespected cos u r too precious to be disrespected, she tells me

Mr. Jerry said...

Such a pathetic story! I mean no mischief, the man in question here is sick and it's very evident from MS KAY's story. What made him do all he did was not anything outside him, but sth inside him. He's a potential danger to himself and to those around him and, needs to see a Psychiatrist urgently. He's more to be pitied than MS KAY. MS KAY is a woman with strength of character. I celebrate her! She does not deserve to be treated so shabbily, in fact, no woman deserves such treatment. Am glad she's off the hook, the Lord Himself will be her strength. Her pain will be the gain of many. If this is a book, then it is indubitably a best seller.

Anonymous said...

For all I know most women stay in abusive relationships cos of sex,maintaining a supposed body count that the African society has set for women.most women won't admit it but they don't leave cos they can't but they don't want to be perceived as loose women so they stay,suffering and smiling to preserve that notion.domestic violence is bad,we can only begin to address it when we look past what others would think and begin to put ourselves first as women.

Anonymous said...

For all I know most women stay in abusive relationships cos of sex,maintaining a supposed body count that the African society has set for women.most women won't admit it but they don't leave cos they can't but they don't want to be perceived as loose women so they stay,suffering and smiling to preserve that notion.domestic violence is bad,we can only begin to address it when we look past what others would think and begin to put ourselves first as women.

Anonymous said...

God bless you SDK

Anonymous said...

MS KAY, You are one strong woman.............
PH Babe, God bless u and i like your tactics, try to help and be strict about it....
Ola, God is your strength, okay......

Anonymous said...

Ms Kay, i must applaud your strength and will to live. Like my dear mum use to say, "Di ojo na egbu nwanyi" which simply translates a bad husband destroys a woman. The destruction isn't just physical, but emotionally, financially, health wise and all. Growing up, we lived in same compound with an Isoko couple, the man was outright wicked to his meek wife. This woman is so blessed with talents, that anything she touches turns gold. Yet the husband, who later degenerated to a drunk and street clown, abuses her physically, sexually, etc. He wakes up the whole compound anytime he is drunk and needs to sleep with his wife, you will hear him bellowing "open your leg, foolish woman", things like that. Several times she has been locked out, even in cold weather, she slept on the corridor. She stayed on not for financial purpose cos she practically fended for the house, but because she doesn't want to be seen as a failure, as that was her second marriage. She prepared pop corn and bottle groundnut in large quantity, she was very industrious. Every time it's like her business is picking up and she has saved enough to increase the volume of the trade, the husband strikes. This man would empty one basin of corn into the dustbin, beat her up and then demand his food be prepared immediately, with no food money from him and she would oblige. She would then start all over again, buying her goods on credit and in a short while, she would bounce back and the man will strike again. All efforts to help her by neighbours, family, friends, even her grown children from her first marriage failed. She stayed put, so they all left her alone. It was a very sad situation cos if this woman had a good, industrious and supporting husband, she would have established a bigger business which was always her dream. She also made all kinds of braids and hairstyles, in the compound, without a shop and her clientele was huge cos she was so good in it. She sang like an angel and would have made a very good musician, a very beautiful, tall and fair woman but her face bore blemishes from the scars of beatings. We moved away and i don't know what became of her. A bad husband is a curse to a woman. Run as fast as you can if you are unfortunate to meet one. They are destiny destroyers.

Anonymous said...

Some men are good,wonderful,caring and God fearing.my sister in law calls me sometimes to say thank your brother for me, please thank him, tell him i love him, God will bless him,she will start praying 4 him, crying, saying she never regretted marrying him, she loves him, he supports her etc I will laugh n say our wife, he is doing his duty oh but I will thank you.Meanwhile my dad was one hell of a husband,beat my mum,keep malice,stay away, date all the women in the neighbourhood, some friends in the house will tell to go and fight and embarrass these women, my mom will say no way,she will never disgrace herself outside.Some of these foolish women will greet my mom when she drives past them or walk past,infact one was attending my our church.i recall one day my dad drove past us, he had a woman in the car,my siblings n I were coming back from lesson, he just drove past us like he didn't know us meanwhile he saw us, infact it was drizzling,some men are just pathetic and truth is some of them don't deserve women.

Mena UkodoisReady said...

*shedding tears*

Thanks for all the comments, I have learned a few things and one is too trust my instics. It is unimaginable the pressure i have had because I am not married but I have been unlucky in that the men I have come across have this tendency to get angry or nasty at flimsy things, so of course I would end it..

God bless you Stella and God bless the survivors and if you are still in it please choose life!!!!!


Mena

Here is a victim of domestic abuse and how she solved it..agree or not?
http://efemenaoreoluwa.blogspot.com/2013/05/how-she-got-out-of-abusive-relationship.html

Teegirl said...

Wow... I've been reading posts since noon. I took a break to do my work between 1:00 PM and 4PM. As soon as it was COB, I continued reading. This is ... wow... is a I can say.
I'm so so sooo happy for you MS. KAY. I feel like giving you a hug for your courage and new-found freedom.
Obviously, I have to start including women in DV situations in my prayers.
Honestly, right now, marriage dey fear me. Cos as you've all rightly said, these men don't put up a sign of I'm a wife-beater on their heads.

I ran away from a "potential such" recently. He didn't hit me. We were not in a relationship yet, but we were working towards one. But soon after we started getting comfortable with each other, I realized he liked to argue over everything. And he told me proudly that he loves to argue. I told him I didn't like arguments and I don't like getting into it; and when I see an argument surfacing, I try to agree to disagree with the person. He insisted that he has to argue whatever out. I let that slide.
Then I started noticing anger traces, and I mentioned it to him. He told me he didn't have anger issues. I said OK.
Well, the last straw came when he left my house one evening, got home and BBM'd me, announcing proudly, that he just beat up his sister for provoking him. I took to my heels and ran for my dear God-cherished life.
After I started reading these posts, I wrote this on my BBM status:--- "Dear Ladies - A man who hits ANY GIRL for any reason at all is a CONFIRMED wife beater AND if he inflicts emotional pains on you now, he'll do it forever. RUN FOR YOUR LIFE"... Some of my contacts BBM'd me to say they liked my PM. Do you know what this boy sent to me? This is someone who has not talked to me for MONTHS o:
He wrote:
""""If the ladies are married nko? Dey should divorce? (***rolling eyes smiley***). What abt ladies that push men to the extreme? It's OK to talk about "wife beaters"... not all men are in the habit of that. Am advocating for dem anyways just speaking frm neutral point of view (***rolling eyes smiley*** again). *women dat hit their husbands""""

[[[Pardon my spelling errors; I'm just quoting him verbatim]]]....

Can you imagine the nonsense. I didn't even reply him?
People, shouldn't I be rababa-ing (dancing around) that I fled for my soul and body? God forbid evil. God forbid foreseen evil even more.
My prayers on marriage will definitely take a new turn from tonight.
God bless you Ms. Kay, [all the] Anonymouses, Hautefe, and everyone who shared her story on this blog. My GOD will give you all lasting joy, peace, freedom and true love (from Him who is called LOVE).
Thanks too Ms. Stella.

Anonymous said...

Stella I think you should start a Shame that beater forum where people can speak and name abusive men. One such is Yomi Balogun. Son of former IG of police Tafa Balogun. Yomi is a notorious woman beater that he goes round Lagos beating up girls. He has beat and slapped at least 8 girls that I know of and he is proud because he knows he cannot be punished. At least if we start naming them maybe women will think twice before marrying them.

sarks said...

you must think yourself some kind of celeb
or lord or something on here....imagine the nonsense...does Hybunny and bunny look the same to you?...

and what makes you feel it is you place to tell her what to do or not do, what name to bear Iraq not bear.. imagine your tone sef....mschetwwwww

attention seeking oshi

Anonymous said...

I cosign with anon 1:57am! I have a picture of some girl Yomi Balogun beat up 2wks ago with bloodied and black eyes! Coward bastard!

Anonymous said...

Hmm... I'm rily short of words. These comments 4rm diff pple is rily makin ♍ƺ scared of marriage. I wuz once in an abusive relationshp bt tnk G̶̲̥̅Ơ̴̴̴̴͡D̶̲̥̅ I'm out of it. Met dis guy tru bbm n we kicked off T̅ђє̲̣̥ relationshp. Durin T̅ђє̲̣̥ course of our dating, I got preg. Contemplated abortion bt l8r decided to kip T̅ђє̲̣̥ baby. M̶̲̥̅̊y̶̲̥̅̊ guy wuz T̅ђє̲̣̥ "akagum" kinda guy (very stingy). He also had anger problem. He can say anytin weneva he's angry. Tho he neva raised hs hands against ♍ƺ bt he had always threatened dt he'll beat T̅ђє̲̣̥ hell out of him if I insult him in hs own houz(I rented n paid 4 M̶̲̥̅̊y̶̲̥̅̊ house alone), he abused ♍ƺ emotionally, verbally n financially. I went tru hell durin M̶̲̥̅̊y̶̲̥̅̊ preg yet I wyuz prepared to marry him cs of M̶̲̥̅̊y̶̲̥̅̊ preg. He told ♍ƺ he wntd to get an apartment n M̶̲̥̅̊y̶̲̥̅̊ own share of T̅ђє̲̣̥ rent will b 150k. You cn imagine hw surprised I wuz wen he said dt. Hw much wuz I earnin den. Am I T̅ђє̲̣̥ one dt'l help him in gettin a houz. I bought majority of M̶̲̥̅̊y̶̲̥̅̊ baby tins. T̅ђє̲̣̥ hosp bill wuz shared eually btw both of us. B4 T̅ђє̲̣̥ baby came, I had taken M̶̲̥̅̊y̶̲̥̅̊ maternity leave a mnth b4 delivery. Gave birth nov last year. Had a tear durin delivery. Twuz stiched bt it got loosened again. Had to go bak 4 re-stitchin which wuznt funny at all. Cudnt sit dwn 4 3 whole wks. M̶̲̥̅̊y̶̲̥̅̊ supposed guy said I must resume wrk by jan cs T̅ђє̲̣̥ financial load is much on him. Help ♍ƺ ask ‎​ƜЂa†̥ financial load. I wuz stayin į̸̸̨ƭƕ M̶̲̥̅̊y̶̲̥̅̊ mum. T̅ђє̲̣̥ financial load he wuz referrin to is baby diaper n milk. He didnt giv ♍ƺ a dime 4 upkip thr wuz ‎​‎​​​₪☺ tot of hw I wuz fidin. He told ♍ƺ to resume bak to wrk nt mindin T̅ђє̲̣̥ pain n agony I went durin n afta childbirth. I've resumned bak to wrk livin alone į̸̸̨ƭƕ M̶̲̥̅̊y̶̲̥̅̊ baby. T̅ђє̲̣̥ expenses of takin care of T̅ђє̲̣̥ baby is on my head. We r separated presently. I cudnt cum out to say I'm fed up of T̅ђє̲̣̥ relationshp bt G̶̲̥̅Ơ̴̴̴̴͡D̶̲̥̅ jst did it 4 ♍ƺ. Goin into marriage į̸̸̨ƭƕ such a person is lyk walkin into hell į̸̸̨ƭƕ u̶̲̥̅̊​я eyes wide open cs he wunt drop money 4 T̅ђє̲̣̥ runnin of T̅ђє̲̣̥ houz bt wud always expect hs fud ready. He wuz lways monitorin wen I wud b paid at wrk. I make necklaces n earrin. He wud always monitor weneva I make necklace 4 sum1. U̶̲̥̅̊ ask him 4 money, he asks U̶̲̥̅̊ ‎​ƜЂa†̥ abt T̅ђє̲̣̥ money mrs A paid 4 T̅ђє̲̣̥ necklace U̶̲̥̅̊ made? Ask him 4 money buy M̶̲̥̅̊y̶̲̥̅̊ baby's clothes n fud. Said if I lyk I shud allow T̅ђє̲̣̥ boy starve or I shudnt buy him T̅ђє̲̣̥ clothes. Said its ♍ƺ dt'll b ashamed goin arnd į̸̸̨ƭƕ a boy in unda-sized clothes. I jst tnk G̶̲̥̅Ơ̴̴̴̴͡D̶̲̥̅ dt G̶̲̥̅Ơ̴̴̴̴͡D̶̲̥̅ has bin providin M̶̲̥̅̊y̶̲̥̅̊ nids. M̶̲̥̅̊y̶̲̥̅̊ boy is lukin veri handsome n healthy. He cums once in a while to check on T̅ђє̲̣̥ boy

Anonymous said...

Hmm... I'm rily short of words. These comments 4rm diff pple is rily makin ♍ƺ scared of marriage. I wuz once in an abusive relationshp bt tnk G̶̲̥̅Ơ̴̴̴̴͡D̶̲̥̅ I'm out of it. Met dis guy tru bbm n we kicked off T̅ђє̲̣̥ relationshp. Durin T̅ђє̲̣̥ course of our dating, I got preg. Contemplated abortion bt l8r decided to kip T̅ђє̲̣̥ baby. M̶̲̥̅̊y̶̲̥̅̊ guy wuz T̅ђє̲̣̥ "akagum" kinda guy (very stingy). He also had anger problem. He can say anytin weneva he's angry. Tho he neva raised hs hands against ♍ƺ bt he had always threatened dt he'll beat T̅ђє̲̣̥ hell out of him if I insult him in hs own houz(I rented n paid 4 M̶̲̥̅̊y̶̲̥̅̊ house alone), he abused ♍ƺ emotionally, verbally n financially. I went tru hell durin M̶̲̥̅̊y̶̲̥̅̊ preg yet I wyuz prepared to marry him cs of M̶̲̥̅̊y̶̲̥̅̊ preg. He told ♍ƺ he wntd to get an apartment n M̶̲̥̅̊y̶̲̥̅̊ own share of T̅ђє̲̣̥ rent will b 150k. You cn imagine hw surprised I wuz wen he said dt. Hw much wuz I earnin den. Am I T̅ђє̲̣̥ one dt'l help him in gettin a houz. I bought majority of M̶̲̥̅̊y̶̲̥̅̊ baby tins. T̅ђє̲̣̥ hosp bill wuz shared eually btw both of us. B4 T̅ђє̲̣̥ baby came, I had taken M̶̲̥̅̊y̶̲̥̅̊ maternity leave a mnth b4 delivery. Gave birth nov last year. Had a tear durin delivery. Twuz stiched bt it got loosened again. Had to go bak 4 re-stitchin which wuznt funny at all. Cudnt sit dwn 4 3 whole wks. M̶̲̥̅̊y̶̲̥̅̊ supposed guy said I must resume wrk by jan cs T̅ђє̲̣̥ financial load is much on him. Help ♍ƺ ask ‎​ƜЂa†̥ financial load. I wuz stayin į̸̸̨ƭƕ M̶̲̥̅̊y̶̲̥̅̊ mum. T̅ђє̲̣̥ financial load he wuz referrin to is baby diaper n milk. He didnt giv ♍ƺ a dime 4 upkip thr wuz ‎​‎​​​₪☺ tot of hw I wuz fidin. He told ♍ƺ to resume bak to wrk nt mindin T̅ђє̲̣̥ pain n agony I went durin n afta childbirth. I've resumned bak to wrk livin alone į̸̸̨ƭƕ M̶̲̥̅̊y̶̲̥̅̊ baby. T̅ђє̲̣̥ expenses of takin care of T̅ђє̲̣̥ baby is on my head. We r separated presently. I cudnt cum out to say I'm fed up of T̅ђє̲̣̥ relationshp bt G̶̲̥̅Ơ̴̴̴̴͡D̶̲̥̅ jst did it 4 ♍ƺ. Goin into marriage į̸̸̨ƭƕ such a person is lyk walkin into hell į̸̸̨ƭƕ u̶̲̥̅̊​я eyes wide open cs he wunt drop money 4 T̅ђє̲̣̥ runnin of T̅ђє̲̣̥ houz bt wud always expect hs fud ready. He wuz lways monitorin wen I wud b paid at wrk. I make necklaces n earrin. He wud always monitor weneva I make necklace 4 sum1. U̶̲̥̅̊ ask him 4 money, he asks U̶̲̥̅̊ ‎​ƜЂa†̥ abt T̅ђє̲̣̥ money mrs A paid 4 T̅ђє̲̣̥ necklace U̶̲̥̅̊ made? Ask him 4 money buy M̶̲̥̅̊y̶̲̥̅̊ baby's clothes n fud. Said if I lyk I shud allow T̅ђє̲̣̥ boy starve or I shudnt buy him T̅ђє̲̣̥ clothes. Said its ♍ƺ dt'll b ashamed goin arnd į̸̸̨ƭƕ a boy in unda-sized clothes. I jst tnk G̶̲̥̅Ơ̴̴̴̴͡D̶̲̥̅ dt G̶̲̥̅Ơ̴̴̴̴͡D̶̲̥̅ has bin providin M̶̲̥̅̊y̶̲̥̅̊ nids. M̶̲̥̅̊y̶̲̥̅̊ boy is lukin veri handsome n healthy. He cums once in a while to check on T̅ђє̲̣̥ boy

Anonymous said...

Stella please start this forum. It makes sense

Blog Whore said...

It is well. Ms Kay, I await your story.

Anonymous said...

Omo! I support this notion! Name them! I wish I had the guts to name my uncle! Useless wife beater! I don't know why d wife keeps coming back! I don't know how he manages to keep up the front! So nice outside! Best uncle ever always buying us things! I can't deal with this monstrous side of him! I avoid him greatly these days. Holding my tongue has been a struggle! Dude needs deliverance!

www.thebanquethall.blogspot.com said...

Stella, I have been reading your post on domestic violence. Please don't stop the post update. It's like a therapy for the abused women and some people like me are praying for. God bless you and every woman out there.

For those of us that made a resolution to follow God more this year. God will never disappoint you.

Please visit your Christian blog, www.thebanquethall.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

PH babe God bless u, I share ur exact sentiments which is why I find it hard to understand all these situation. Not to be misunderstood I ache for all these beautiful women but I can't comprehend how women can be in such situations for year. I taught it will be like reflex, if u put ur hand in fire and it burns u will never do it again so why any human would endure such is beyond me.

Anonymous said...

Thanks PH babe, I share your view.

Its been a real struggle for me reading about some women's experience on here. I simply cannot comprehend why a woman would willingly go through such suffering in this century.

I had this discussion with a friend and she said not all women are as strong as I am. My heart goes out to all the women suffering from any form of abuse. But please, you are not in a hopeless situation. Even if you can take the humiliation, think of your kids. Dont mess up their heads and hearts.

Anonymous said...

Nice

¤Ozone baby¤ said...

Na wa o! Some women are goin tru hell all in d name of marriage.

Anonymous said...

I seriusly dint wnt tu av a say in ds forum cs am nt married nd av nt ad an abusive rel. Bt ystday I gt d shock of my life abt d guy I call my bf which I assumd were in a serius rel. I am nt d extrovert typ am a serius introvert bt I rily try tu hng out at list once in a while whch I tot he understood. We av bn togeda fr clse tu 3mnths. Yesterday I made plns tu  him afta brnchn sme places. We did nd d nxtq I heard was hw lng am I hngn out nd wen I askd where we were goin he said an hotel. I wasn't evn in d mood fr all dat I jst wntd us tu tlk nd chat sync its bn like 2wks we saw last. I tried xplainin tu him nd I assumd he understood until ds mrnin. I cald nd calld him ysterday after I tld him I was home he dint pick my call. He finally did nd to my greatst surprise ds so calld bf of mine was gvn mi attitude cs I dint av sex wit me tld mi tu my face dat he cnt date sm1 dat doesn't av his tym. Like seriusly, am so angry ryte nw. Bt y do guys behve in such stupid manner#Gosh#. Very immature minds

Joseph William said...

Rather than name the beater make una force una representatives to guarantee equal rights for women... Come 2015, dem go come beg una for votes{APC ND PDP}, when em come make una force to listen to una demands... TO STOP DV, THE WOMAN MUST BE FINANCIALY INDEPENDENT... So our mama's nd sister's u can stop dv using the instrumentality of the state. And Aunty stella pls give our sister's mama's d opportunity to name d beater

Anonymous said...

You should be talking to your boyfriend rather than vexing here..guys don't behave in such stupid manner, your boyfriend did. Take it out on him..and perhaps you have squandered his money and running from payback.

Anonymous said...

I do sympathize with those women who have or are going through these challenges.
Pretty difficult to deal with but my prayers and thoughts are with you that God will comfort you and bring closure to the dark side of your relationships.

Anonymous said...

I've been married 10yrs and my husband has never hit me physically but emotionally he has assassinated me. He wants a master servant relationship where he is worshipped and begged even when he is at fault. this I have been doing for years but have resolved not to do again. since i stopped, he can stay weeks without talking to me. I had thypoid and was on AM/PM injection for 3 days yet my husband did not say a word to me, would not eat at home, comes very late and goes off to bed without a word to me or our children. worst is that there's no one in his family that can talk to him, though he says he does not like 3rd party involvement in marriage yet he can never bring himself to discuss with me. i got married at 27 yrs as a virgin and at time feel he married me just to have sex with me since i insisted on no premarital sex. i am a christian but seriously considering divorce though i have not been financially independent since i lost my job some yrs back.

Joseph William said...

Some Niggarz mehn! SMH... Madam i may not be in any position to advice u but try involve a third party; someone he'll listen to like ur pastor or a trusted friend...

Anonymous said...

Am relieved to see the strength of my fellow women in the face of adversity. I have been so traumatised that for 10 years after we separated I have not been able to have another relationship or re-marry. Am 42 and childless! I still see the several attempts he made on my life and hear his threats. I did seek professional counselling but the trust is something am stiLl grappling with! Just don't understand how a human being can derive pleasure from dehumanising his fellow human being!

Anonymous said...

Am in Tears

Anonymous said...

Sis Stella, I have read this DV post several times and wish to write my story here and as well seek advice from the wonderful women in this forum. My name is Mrs. E. I did traditional wedding in 2007 and yet to do either the white or court wedding, all efforts to persuade my husband to do the white/court wedding is to no avail.

I and my husband were being introduced to each other by his friend. Our first discussion were centered on marriage. as an adult, I said okey, we courted for for three months and decided to see our parents. the introduction was done during our second visit and we agreed that we will do the traditional wedding in a low key and later do the white wedding in an elaborate way. we fixed 8th April, 2007 as the d day. In my state, the traditional rights is a little expensive, the list of the items for the traditional/wine carrying was handed over to my husband and he handed over the list to me with the excuses that he does not have time to go to market and buy the needed items for the traditional rights. I collected the list, started buying the items one by one with my money until I bought everything in that list few weeks before 27th April.

Anonymous said...

Mrs. E said

On the 4th of April, 2007, I left to the village with all the things I bought for the traditional rites against the 8th April being the day of the traditional/wine carrying. My parents and siblings invited some of their friends, I invited some as well because we did not print cards (low key I said). on the d day, food was cooked, drinks were ready, my father called a DJ saying he will never welcome a low traditions/wine carrying for his first daughter. all was set but my husband was no where to be found. his parents, siblings and some of his people came and told us he called to say he was still on his way. I cried my eyes out. guest started murmuring and left one after another. I felt it was a movie but lo it was real. at about 6pm when almost every body had gone except for immediate family members and his people. the man drove inn. blamed his lateness on holdup on his way. ie. he left abuja to East on the d day of the traditional wedding. (1st sign.). We did the little we could do that night and the rest was completed the next day.

Anonymous said...


........
Mrs. E said
We started living together as husband & wife. her younger sister came to stay with us. he prefers giving the lady money for food instead of me. I felt nothing at first, after all, I always go to work & she stays at home. The day I complained on why a wife will be in the house and a sister will be collecting feeding allowance for the house. I got the beating of my life. I was dragged out of the bath room naked to the full glare of the sister.

I left the house the next day to my former house cos my younger sisters are still there. His pleadings and that of his friends brought me back. He traveled to Liberia for an official assignment for a year, when he came back, he decided he needs to see his parents after a year absence. behold he traveled to his village with another woman to introduce to his parents as his new wife. reasons was that am yet to give him a child. was I expected to give birth to a child while he was away?. his mother accepted the new woman but his dad said he must see me first. they tried to hide the issue from me but somehow I got to know. when I asked him why he decided to marry behind me, I got the beating of my life. He denied he ever went home with another lady.

After this incidence, he became more loving, more caring, decides to leave his phone on 2/4. I became more confused if actually the story I heard about another woman/lady was true/false.
Some of his sisters who use to be loving and friendly had all turned their back against me. 6 years gone, we are yet to have a child... he lives in another state while I live in another state. I have made several efforts to relocate to where he stays but he bluntly refused. reasons that his job is such that posts him from one place to another. he can not grantee his stay in a particular location for more than two years. May I say he has been posted to 4 different states since the last 6 years. he visits my base every Friday and stays till Monday morning.

I am really fade up and confused. doctors said I have no reasons not to get pregnant. He has avoided every effort for us to visit the same hospital on this infertility issue. his phone is always off when ever he is with me. reasons that he sneaks out of the office every Friday and will not want his superiors to know his whereabouts. Am making efforts to leave this marriage.... Am l actually tied to him with this traditional wedding....... Can a lady married traditionally get divorce in court? Does he have another wife else where....... am not getting younger, I was 36 last month.

worried soul.

Anonymous said...

Not sure if this falls into the DV bracket but I just found out that the man am engaged to dropped out of sch many yrs ago.I feel humiliated beyond comprehension.d wedding is off!

Anonymous said...

wow.. you inspire me, i think you should write a book to encourage pple that are going through this or have gone through this.

Please what did you do after you left and what happened to your kids afterwards?

Anonymous said...

Oh dear Mrs E, so sorry. One word, don't waste your time, get out of that marital cum mental confusion before you lose the grace which God has bestowed upon your destiny. If a man who's been married for 6years refuses fertility counsel, or refuses to visit a doctor, it could be becos he already knows the reasons behind it. Pray tell, he prolly has another family somewhere whom he spends the week with. Maybe he has kids already, who knows. If you need closure to this before you move on, then get off your behind and seek the truth..by going to his village or family house. And the TRUTH shall set you FREE. Bet you'll find a God fearing person to emancipate you from his very obscure life style. At 36 all hope isn't lost, begin again my lady. God be with you!

@anon 1:14pm. I rejoice with you, after-all you haven t married him yet. But hold on, apart from the fact that he dropped out of school, is he in any other area less of a man? Perhaps, is he jobless, a woman beater, a bad lover..?etc. Because...if the only lie you've detected is that he is a graduate, well, maybe he lied to meet up with your high standards, depending on the criteria you sought of him. Or are you afraid he may have lied about many other things too? So take anger out for now and scrutinize him properly before you make any irascible decisions. God help u!

Daughter of Zion

Anonymous said...

Mrs E... you have to divorce your husband in a customary court if you had a traditional wedding. Speak to a lawyer to see what other options you have legally.

Anonymous said...

My story only lasted for 4 months but I am so ashamed to say and ask for GOD forgiveness every day that I had an abortion resulting from it.

the 1 month was fine, nothing special, wasn't the wonderful love story beginning you get, just normal. A month later I got pregnant, what was I thinking my GOD, please forgive me. Everything started from there. The guy started to be abusive, manipulative, he would come up with all kind of things, accusing me
of cheating on him, telling me how he could tell i just had sex with someone else that he could smell it, started spraying perfume all around, saying that I would give him HIV that I may already have it.

The next thing he started saying was that he would disfigure to the point that no one will even recognise me, not even my parents, so much I went through within such a short time. Being pregnant I would be in the kitchen for the whole day, not having eaten anything, or there would be nothing home to eat.
I was still in university at that time and very naive.
I saw all the writings on the wall but still though that it would get better.

I remember praying, asking GOD whether he was the one and I clearly remembered GOD answering me thrice in different dreams where unknown people are warning me and telling me to stay off that guy, I would wake up pray and brush it aside and saying to GOD that that's not the good reply that GOD must be wrong. Who was I to think that GOD can be wrong, never ever can my dad in even would want something bad for his daughter, I should have listened to his message to my dream.

Cutting the story short, sometimes the signs are there GOD is showing it to us but we don't want to see, please let's be honest GOD would never ever want you to suffer, so if a boyfriend or husband is treating you right and you know deep down you that it's unlikely that he would change and you've prayed to GOD and there's still no improvements there must be a good reason why!

GOD'S CHILD

Chief Mrs said...

@Mrs E, please leave as fast as you can. This is no marriage. Are you sure he is not married to someone else? You are lucky, you have no kids with him. Your own husband is waiting for you! Please discuss with your parents about the traditional rites and the fact that you bought all the stuff with your money. They would advise. That wedding never took place. You entered one chance. Good luck girl. Move fast. Dont let him meet you on his next visit.

Rubynnia said...

Chief Mrs, GBU so much! One thing I have learn regarding union of a man and woman is if no vow was exchanged between the two, then there was NEVER a marriage, just cohabitation!

Mrs E, did you both exchange marital vows to love and to cherish till death do you part? If NO, then you are just a live in lover(I'm sorry if I sound harsh here).

That man just wasted 6 GOOD years of your live but not to worry, you can redeem yourself by starting afresh; it's never too late except you think it is.

He has another family elsewhere hence his refusal to have babies with you. Please leave him and let your destined man locate you.

Dedicate yourself afresh unto GOD, ask him to replace the years wasted and follow him all the way and see him works mighty in your life. It is well with your soul.

Rubynnia said...

*...have learnt
*..of your life
*...work mightily

Anonymous said...

Just to ask a question? Has any of us tried reporting these cases of threats and beatings to the law enforcement agencies? These are crimes against humanity that should be punishable by law. Hmmmm, I sit here and wonder when this cycle of abuse will end. Mothers were abused, now daughters are being abused, in the future grand-daughters will be abused, and it goes on and on, one generation taking over the abuse of the other. All forms of abuse are demeaning and leave wounds and scars that only God (through the sacrifice of His Son), and heal and take away. I have a story too, just as we all do, and soon the world will hear my story and testimony of triumph too, when it is all over. Thank you all for sharing your stories, now I know I am not alone in this.

Uk

Anonymous said...

Which police? Nigerian Police? They will ask you to go back home and obey your husband! They are jokers.

Mena UkodoisReady said...

God bless you all, Stella ah, God bless you too!!!

Anonymous said...

shocking posts.Ms kay you are so strong!

Anonymous said...

if you stay and you die,no one will know your story...take a stand and live for the sake of those who love you..so many children are motherless from dv saga.its wrong...i cant even begin to imagine in real life some of the tins i have read it...appalling,shocking,gruesome and wicked .....God is still alive !

Anonymous said...

if you stay becos of the kids and he kills you,you have yoiurself to blame....if you love your kids leave before the decil enters his head...i know cos i lost someone from dv...he said he didnt ,mean to kill her but he choked life out of her and broke down crying...she died,he didnt

Anonymous said...

@hauefe whats your present situation?your story is so sad but dont relive your mothers sad life...i see you going that line despite ur strong resilence.

Anonymous said...

6kids each one conceived after the beating and the rape.....the rape happens almost everyday...rape becaos i say no..

at first i was so blind in love and thought he loved me and was just jelos...the beatings never stoed,was too ashamed to tell anyone......the first rape,i conceived the twins and after then i just couldnt go.....i didnt graudate from the uni cos he stoped me from taking my final exams,,,he almost killed me and i had to stay at home,,,,after the kids came it just wasnt possible.

everytime he beat me blue and black he wud force himself on me and beg in tears,at first i wud beg him to sto crying and later i would just lay down crying.......i finally ran with my six kids in tow cos i cudnt leave them with him for fear he might sexually abuse my dauighters.

we are presently far from him,he has sent msgs threatening to do the worst when he see me but i am too far away for him to catch me and God is my solace.

i am presently more concrned with trying to get my children counselling cos all six of them came out with bruises inside.

Ms kay your story is touching..i am hapy you left.

Anonymous said...

such heart breaking stories!
God kee all of you strong-

Anonymous said...

such heart breaking stories!
God kee all of you strong-