Hmmmmmmm.......
STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
JEALOUS FATHER
Hello BVs, good day.
This is between my kids, I and my husband, my kids are very close to me. They discuss things with me. They're very excited whenever they're around me, they feel free with me. Let me just say that I've noticed that whenever I'm with them talking or where we're out, and they cling to me and like they are like mommy, Can we do this or that? I have something to share with you. I have something to tell you.
I have noticed this resentment and tightness in my husband, should I say, jealous of the their closeness with me, or something. I can't really place it, but I noticed this sort of unsettling in his eyes. I don't know. Is it normal? And he still goes ahead and tells them, leave your mother. Stay away from her. Leave there. You're talking too much with her. What are you discussing with her? Stop holding her. Stop jumping on her. Stop going close to her.
I don't know if I should call it jealousy or something. I can't really place it and it's beginning to worry me, because he's hardly around every other day, he's out there always working, hardly spend time at home or with these kids.
I do the school assignments, school pick, run almost all home errands. Yes, He's a responsible man, but whenever he's around, his attitude towards my closeness with the children is worrisome. I don't know what to do about it.
I am confused...He is their father? I dont know what to say...Maybe his upbringing is replaying itself..Have you asked him what the problem is?Please discuss with him and find out what the problem is... cos i dont understand why he would have such jealousy in him......
I am confused...He is their father? I dont know what to say...Maybe his upbringing is replaying itself..Have you asked him what the problem is?Please discuss with him and find out what the problem is... cos i dont understand why he would have such jealousy in him......
Dear Poster, your husband has a childhood trauma that is playing out. He needs therapy and counseling.
ReplyDeleteHowever, because of lack of knowledge, he is uneasy about your closeness with the children. He should be happy and not feel any resentment about it. Usually, children are closer to one parent depending on their availability. It doesn't undermine the other spouse except if there is something else.
When he is around, he should be friendly with them and learn to listen to them and play with them.
He should stop his attitude towards them, he should stop shooing them away from you, the more he does that the closer they will stick to you.
You need to have a conversation with him. First find out how his childhood was. Then talk to him and advice him.
His attitude is wrong, if he doesn't stop, he will eventually loose the relationship with them. Or his relationship with them will be mechanical.
He needs to relax.
Poster check very well...I hope he is not molesting them; this type of hostility should not be accepted....Find out more and tell your girls to feel free to share with you....
DeleteIs his their biological father? Fathers lean towards their daughters and have these bonds....Poster abeg check well well
Father's need love from the children you know. you also have to discuss with your children to share same love to their father to balance the equation. He is the provider despite he is not always around
ReplyDelete@Straight guy, yes Fathers need love from their children, but Fathers need to SPEND time with their children, whether working or not, BE INVOLVED WITH YOUR KIDS...kids will migrate towards the parent that makes an effort to spend time with them!
Deleteyour husband did not allow good bond between him and his children, now the whole thing is playing and he is angry. Who is to be blame you or the children abi is him their father? discuss this with him and get to find out why the children do not discuss anything with their father.
ReplyDeletehmmmmmmmmmmmmm
ReplyDeleteEncourage the kids to spend time with their father . When he's around go somewhere else give them chance and space to bond
ReplyDeleteA father’s job isn’t just to provide only, it’s to actually be present. Too many Nigerian men think being a good dad stops at paying bills. But how do you tell kids to go spend time with their dad when he’s not the one showing up? Kids will always go where they feel seen and wanted, period.
DeleteAnd honestly, I can tell when there’s a bit of jealousy involved , I’ve seen it with my own kids and my husband. People love the idea of being parents, but not everyone wants to do the real work that comes with it. Parents please do better!
It's not actually easy for some fathers to provide and be present at the same time..
DeleteSome really want to bound but they can't have both,you as the mother and wife should help in balancing the both,if he's a responsible husband and father..poster please help the man be close to his kids,some of them don't even know how to go about it..
17.18 👌
Delete@ Sharon, work, life, balance, irrespite of work, Fathers should make an effort to spend time with their kids..
DeleteSome people are damaged from childhood not brought with love,they don't understand family values,we can see good example of Kola in the last BBN ,filled with love for others. You need to sit him down know what the problem is,his relationship with his siblings then you know what to do but please encourage the children to Converse with him when you are all together in the living room.
ReplyDeleteOf course he's jealous,my kids use to be like this,when I noticed it I changed..
ReplyDeleteI make sure we all go out to welcome daddy once he's back from work,he carry all of us up,one after the other..
He buy things home for us everyday when coming, like fruit, juice etc..
I tell them how important their father is..
When I buy things for them,I tell them it's from daddy,so they should thank him when he's back..
I make sure he spends time with them,no Matter how little..
That's man works and struggle for them everyday only to feel like an outsider in his own house is heartbreaking..
Good advice
DeleteGod bless you Sharon. Na better woman you be
DeleteVery good advice. Poster read this two times.
DeleteMrs. Sharon, oil dey your head👍
You have said it all
DeleteMy thoughts exactly
DeleteAdditional,even if he's not back from work, before they sleep we call daddy or he call and talk to them,even if he's on his way home..
ReplyDeletePoster come and read and learn
DeleteInstead of asking them to leave you, he should try to get close them. Build a HEALTHY relationship with them, and stop being resentful.
ReplyDeleteMy ex husband was jealous of my relationship with our daughter. He literally said to me, "I've never seen a child so attached to her mother. Wow! She really loves you." He said it with such vile in his heart and since our divorce he has tried to undermine our relationship at every turn. It's sad to see because I've only ever encouraged a relationship between the two of them. Maybe part of the program is that he thought she would be a daddy's girl and it's the complete opposite. No advice. Hopefully you can talk to him to understand.
ReplyDeleteMichymic, tell me about it. At first I thought it was because the kids were young but later I noticed that he was openly jealous of them even though he was their father and sabotaged them at every move. He is now my ex and punishes them financially. I know he had a terrible childhood and this turned him into an evil character. He is very jealous of other people as well, wishing them bad and he is so mean.
DeletePoster, maybe you have different circumstances and it's salvageable.
ReplyDeleteI totally understand you. What you’re describing sounds like small jealousy o. Some men can get a bit uncomfortable when they see how close their kids are to their mother, especially when they’re not around much. It’s not always intentional, but it shows in their attitude. Just try to talk to him calmly about it, let him know it’s not competition — the kids love both of you. Maybe find ways to involve him more with them so he feels included too. Na small-small, it will balance out.
My daddy is like this, he has finally succeeded in dividing us,poisoning the heart of the wealthy ones amongst us, from helping the less capable, Thank God for my mum, she's trying her best to glue us back together, just the way we were before . So I believe your story. Your husband is jealous.
ReplyDeleteGod will bring you all back together.
DeleteGod bless your mum
DeleteTry to carry him along,if the children comes to you to hug you or play with you,tell them to also go and hug their daddy, tell them to sit with him , just try and involve him in whatever you people are doing
ReplyDeleteI agree with you.
DeletePoster, you need to look for how to encourage your children to play with Daddy and bond with him. Also tell them often of how they need to thank Daddy for this gift or that shoe or school fees paid because he is doing those things due to the love he has for them.
Also sit your husband down and tell him how you feel, and you guys should look for solutions together.
He is a responsible man and deserves to be loved by his family that he works hard to provide for.
I totally agree that you should kindly...look for a way to also encourage the children to move closer to him.....be intentional in telling them good things about him ,even behind his back....also encourage him if possible to have open arms towards' them. You know we grew differently and his working hours is also an additional factor. You have the assignment to bring that union among them. My truth is , I grew up with unfriendly parents, not that they were not responsible..but,you know, there was no cordial relationship. When I started having my children, I told myself, history won't repeat itself...and I thank God, for the cordial relationship we all have as a family. Madam, encourage the children and encourage him, don't take it too far or personal, work the bonding well. You are a super woman and a selfless woman and wife! Cheers
DeleteI will suggest you approach this with solution view, help him overcome this, he probably grew up with little or no love like the home where they hug and peck one another. I sense he wanted what you and the kids have but does not know how to go about it.
ReplyDeleteHave a gentle talk with him, he should take the children out whenever he's around, don't go with them, initiate calls probably every evening where he must listen to the summary of the daily acitivies, invite him for important school events
Felicity
This is long but Poster, patiently read it carefully.
ReplyDeletePoster, every parent ( Mom or Dad desires/ appreciates a connection with their kids) your husband is not outside this equation.
It's a natural parental desire, that a parent assumes would come naturally between them and their kid.
When this is not the case, it's also natural for that particular parent to feel bad.
Initially he may not have minded, cos like you said he not mostly around, but that doesn't belittle or take away this longing to be desired too, by his own kids. But his resentment and what you perceived as "jealousy" which you shouldn't even be using in this case, arouse as a result of what he felt was a passing phase, suddenly it's becoming the status quo, in his own house, with his own kids and u his wife lapping the entire glory up.
See, I sense you are a good mum and a good woman, but I also see, you are not doing enough to check this pending disaster that can destabilize the peace in your home.
Your husband, u ve said is responsible, but barely around, please start redirecting and sharing that spotlight from ur children. Intentionally, consistently and strategically start speaking to them and creating all possible avenues for them to bond with their father, the few times he is available.
And also clear that resentment with him, by talking things out with him, to understand what or how he feels and also encourage to be intentional too, in bonding with his kids.
He has a role to play, you have a role to play, the kids have a role to play.
You and the kids should not keep fanning coal, and expect it not to start burning one day.
Nip it now at the bud, and if u need him to help more at home too, tell him, but don't encourage this one sided closeness, it's dangerous and to no positive end.
God bless u and your home.
CEE
Poster, Please take this advice and in addition, start with your kids first and watch the outcome before talking to your husband. Ask the kids to always go to him whenever he is around and do stay away from them, Ask them to go to him with their homework even when there is no assignment from school, create one just to give them that bonding time. Tell their father that the kids have been longing to go out with him and they always discuss it with you that they want daddy to take them out alone. The power is in your hands to create that atmosphere and what you want to see in your home don't sit and conclude their father is jealous.
DeleteHe is envious of the relationship you have with them because he doesn't have the same. Assure him of his place in the family and help your kids bond with him more.
ReplyDeleteHey poster, your husband probably feels troubled that he is absent from his children's lives. Look for an opportunity to have a heart to heart talk with him. There are ways he can make up for the times when he is away from home breadwinning. Assure him that he does not need to be uptight or feel threatened by the children's freedom and closeness to you. You can bridge the gap between him and his children by getting them do things for him whenever he is home. Look for little acts of service that his children that can offer him to make him feel involved in their lives and they in his. Above all running and keeping a family require wisdom from God. Whatever your faith or religion is provided you believe in God ask Him to help you handle the situation.
ReplyDeleteShow your husband more love and attention. Even if the children do not cling to him like they do to you, then you cling to him and prioritize him. It appears that he is hungry for the same kind of love and attention that the children give you. If you give that to him then he will be satiated and filled up.
ReplyDeleteWhy do couples stop dating and doing fun things together? Drop the kids off at the grandparents for a weekend and reconnect. If you don’t want to drop them off then find ways to make time that is just for you. You can even make a completely different dish for him one evening that nobody is gets to eat. Buy him a nice shirt when you go shopping for the kids. There are so many simple ways to show that he is a priority in your life. Send him a naughty text that he would never expect from you while he is at work. It’s not rocket science. Nobody should be starving for love in a home!
So he can give the attention himself? Why does the onus always lie on the wife to make a marriage work! Why?
DeleteEka, exactly what I wanted to ask.
DeleteEka joy, the reason is because women are the ones more desperate for marriage's than the men.
DeleteLook, I don’t always want to go to work everyday and I do not necessarily want to be always polite to my clients or my boss, but I have to. You do not have to like what you need to do or even enjoy it, but if the doing of it leads to a higher purpose then just do it if it’s not going to kill you.
DeleteCould it just be that he feels that the kids are disturbing you, and he wants them to give you a break?
ReplyDeleteIt could be that he wants them to start being independent as they are getting older.
It could also be that you no longer have time for him, and he wants you to at least recognize him in his house.
Those were my initial thoughts when I read your Chronicle. So, I'm wondering how you left those options and concluded that he is jealous of his own kids.
I really don't get.
You people are quite funny! Why must the woman always do the work? Why? You feel ur kids don’t play with you, as soon as you are free, insert urself in their midst and start playing with them. Take their books and start going through it with them.
ReplyDeleteAs soon as you get home from work, go and pick up the kids, push ur tiredness aside for 10-20 mins and spend the time while ur wife is using to get ur dinner ready to play and have conversations with them about how ur day went.
I’m speaking from experience as my husband also works and I spend all day with the kids but as soon as he gets home, he takes over. Playing with them, feeding them etc and their bond is so strong.
It’s not everything that ur wife will do for you, including helping u have a relationship with ur kids! Haba!
This is not too much for her pls
DeleteKeep in mind this is a man that is working hard and appears to be disconnected with the children because he’s not always present
If he was out being a jerk, it will be one thing
My dad wasn’t around much at some point. Remind the kids to call him themselves. Send them something to ask him. Call your dad and ask about this or that. My mum did that quite a bit growing up. Nothing intense. Could be mum wants to know when you’ll be back fo dinner. Give them something to talk about. Set up a date with him and each of them. They will find what to discuss there 😀
You asked why, it is because the woman is a nurturer, in addition to her responsibilities, she mends, where she feels there is a crack. The same way mothers fix the bond between her kids when there is a rift between/among them even though some of them are adults, infact some of them are well in to old age, is the same way she fixes a bond between the dad and the kids when there is a need to do so.
DeleteAs usual, aside money, most men actually bring nothing to the table to the extent that once ur wife doesn’t help, you can’t even figure out a way to have a relationship with ur own kids! Na wa!
DeleteThank you Eka Joy. God bless you for always speaking the truth without the fear of standing alone. May God continue to bless your home
DeleteAmen 21:28. Amen! Someone has to do that in the midst of all of these!!!!
DeleteThis is something that really needs to be handled before it gets out of hand. Sometimes, when one parent shares a stronger bond with the children, especially if the other is often away , it can make the other feel left out, even if they don’t say it directly. It’s not always jealousy in a bad sense, sometimes it’s just a quiet longing to be part of that closeness.
ReplyDeleteYou'll be surprised it happens in almost every home. It may not be as bad as this, but it does. A lot of times, I've had to tell the children to go sit with their dad and gist with him with or without me being there. I tell them, you and I have been at home all the while, your dad just got back and you're still here with me, go and stay with him, ask him how his day went and also gist him about your day at school.
My advice is to be intentional about bridging that gap. Encourage and guide the children to be close to their dad too, especially whenever he’s home. Try to include him in conversations, fun activities, or even small family moments so he feels involved and connected. It might take some patience and deliberate effort, but it’ll help restore balance and strengthen your family bond. May God help you sis.
We go open floodgates if we discuss parents jealous of their own kids. Another day sha
ReplyDeletePoster, your husband is working hard to provide for his family. You have to prioritize him. Appreciate him and let your kids know how special he is.
ReplyDeleteIf you leave it to my niece, nobody else will do anything for her
ReplyDeleteShe wants her mother to do everything
So we also drive her sometimes
When I show up to help, I have to be firm. I will bathe you today, let your mother rest come and sit here let your mother sit freely on her own
It’s probably not jealousy
You’re the one telling him how much work you’re doing so when he shows up he’s like leave my wife alone
Let your husband plan solo outings with the children alone without you. It will create bond amongst them.
ReplyDeleteMy children are closer to me than my husband and he doesn't like it .
Let your husband plan solo outings with the children alone without you. It will create bond amongst them.
ReplyDeleteMy children are closer to me than my husband and he doesn't like it .
It's jealousy. Also encourage the kids to go close to him and share things with him. You'll see a change. Tell them things like 'your daddy is also your best friend. Share this information with him too:
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeleteMy husband is rarely at home too but the kids look forward to his coming home..once he is home, I become very irresponsible and utterly useless intentionally because I want them around him more..and yes, it works..I love the bond I created between them with intentionality.. Whenever they have activities in school, I ensure we attend together..I ensure he is carried along when he is not around through video calls and all..I ensure the kids make their requests from him and he send the money..sometimes, when I take up responsibilities, I tell them daddy did..so they are used to daddy doing everything..and I really do not mind..I also have my relationship with my kids..they don't discuss private things with their dad..they are more comfortable discussing that with me..so poster, please you need to help your kids and husband build their relationship..it doesn't reduce the love they have for you but it models what an ideal home should look like to them...the kids always say, dad is the fun one..mum is the boring one..(Do I care???)I created the atmosphere and I love what I am seeing..
..might not be Jealousy 85% ladies once they gve birth to kids , them go keep the husband for one corner and start bonding with the children only while the man struggling to get attention from them again
ReplyDeleteThis is not too hard to fix madam just pay attention.