Hmmmm......
STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
MARRIED BUT SAD.
I dont know if something is wrong with me but i got married sometime this year and i am tired already and want out...No, i dont fell like wanting things out...I want out and i want to relocate back to Europe where i was living before i got married...
I fell choked and hate everything that marriage stands for...I hate the same clothe thing that husband and wives do...I dont like to be branded by any man......I dont like the name change and its causing a problem already cos i refused to change or add....
I do not like that i have to stop whatever i am doing to attend to a man when he cannot do same for me..
Marriage tries to mould one into what one does not want.... Or maybe it is Nigerian men that do this?I have dated men from other Countries and i did not feel this way.
And I also dont like the expectations from the other family..I dont like the total respect they want without giving it back and one not being able to talk to avoid issues..
From all what i have listed up there, am i the problem? ..... I am already pregnant but have not told my husband yet but i am travelling to Europe for Christmas and dont intend to return on the date i told him i would...He can visit if he wants but i dont want to live together as a couple.....I still have my small flat in Europe, its my property and i rented it out...
I will tell him whatever i need to say over the phone...
And oh....I read chats on his phone with his sisters and the sisters have a horrible code name for me and they all laugh about it.......Seriously? You laugh about me with your sisters and come crying for my cookie jar at night?
*Scrolls back up to read*
So sorry for your situationship.
ReplyDeleteYou are a man and still planning to waste scarce resources on one lavish wedding just because one daughter of jezebel is requesting for it, na mumu u be. Look at them cooking up different excuses just to justify stupidity. You don't know what marriage entails before venturing into it? Even roommate have to make sacrifice to live together successfully. I don't believe all those gossip excuse you cooked up to gather sympathy from your lots here. Well na u sabi, leave the marriage if you like and please don't look back. It's only those mumu men that's still falling for women's manipulation that I pity. Oga make everyone dey there dey make we see who go cry....
Delete"Or maybe it is Nigerian men that do this? I have dated men from other Countries and i did not feel this way."
DeleteYou did not see any of the other countries men fit enough for marriage?
The other countries men did not see you as good enough to be married?
Poster, the joke is on you.
That is what your husband and your family (in-laws are family) joke about you.
They also know you have the character of what you plan to do - just take a man's child and walk away.
Or is that what you have always wanted? A child (Nigerian Child) for yourself only? Knowing very well that most European countries would not let you have your way against their born-citizens?
Why did you allow the man waste his funds?
DeleteEven if we tell you or your parents tell you to stay, you won't love him, and the marriage will scatter.
Na you know your answer.
Wait o, did you commit your union in God's hand like Tuface's wife?
To be fair, marriage is not for everyone sha
DeleteHmmmm. Some like it hot some like it cold. Baby girl that's somehow marriage for you. It can be draining but just hold on a bit. There's still light at the end of the tunnel.
ReplyDeleteWhy did you get married?
ReplyDeleteDear Poster, you are simply a woman who entered a marriage that doesn’t match the life she’s used to. You were living independently in Europe, then suddenly you found yourself in a Nigerian-style marriage where matching clothes, name change, extended family committee, and “wife duties” are the default settings. Anyone would feel suffocated.
ReplyDeleteBeing pregnant changes everything, though. My sister, don’t run off to Europe without telling your husband. No matter what is happening between you two, he deserves to know about his child. You are carrying a whole baby, not a hand luggage you can just travel with quietly.
As for the chats you saw between him and his sisters, that one is deep betrayal. A man who allows his family to mock his wife and even joins in the laughter has already failed you emotionally. Your hurt is valid. But don’t let that push you into acting out of anger. Make your decisions with a clear head.
If your heart is already out of the marriage, it’s not a crime. Marriage is not by force. Some unions are just not meant to be, especially when your values and lifestyle are different from what the marriage demands. Choose yourself. Choose peace. But do it properly, talk to him, explain how you feel, set your boundaries, and then go. Don’t ghost him or disappear like someone evading loans. You deserve a clean, dignified exit.
You are not the issue here. You are just someone who needs space, respect, and individuality, and you’re not getting it where you are. Go where your mind can breathe. Just leave with honesty and maturity.
Let her leave and inform him about everything on the phone from abroad.
DeleteDon't trust a man who mocks you on chats with his family members. They may plan and prevent your travelling in December, if they don't want you to separate.
I understand the poster's feelings. She should have married an European since she is used to their lifestyle.
I stand by this advice. Read and assimilate it so don't make a mistake you regret later in life.
DeleteDon't let present circumstance change your future happiness.
Shalom
Pls relocate before you open. Do it from a country that can protect you. Not where you will tell him and he will destroy your chances of leaving and he can't be held accountable.
DeleteHe may not let her go if he knows she won't be coming back,now that she is pregnant..
DeleteSo advisable,don't tell,call him when she get to Europe..
Oh dear.
ReplyDeleteSeems you didn't marry a good man.
But wait? Have you checked yourself? To see if you are the problem?
Anyways, like you said, you want out of the marriage.
My mother said that marriage is not meant for everyone.
So, do whatever makes you happy darling.
All the best
Do not give him the cookie jar for now. Go to Europe and see if your feeling will change. A lot of ladies I know feel horrible in their marriage. I think men enjoy marriage more than women.
ReplyDeleteGood luck.
Thank God you’ve prepared your mind fully to opt out of the yeye marriage
ReplyDeleteIt will shock him. And make sure you let him know if the name they call you
But you left Europe to come and marry a naija man after having been with people from other countries? Well, different strokes for different folks
Best of luck honey
You can't have a conservation with him as your husband, so how can this marriage even work?
ReplyDeleteConservation kwa?
Delete*Conversation
DeleteThanks @anon
Very stupid man .
ReplyDeleteHow can he be discussing his wife with his sisters and making jest if her?
Person wey never mature go just go collect person daughter keep for house .
My sister do what suits you but make sure you keep your baby
Hi Poster… please follow your heart. Don’t worry you’ll be fine. A lot of women stay and end up betraying themselves and hating their partner. It alright.. 🤗🤗
ReplyDeleteImmature man and foolish sisters.
ReplyDeleteThe freedom of being a single woman is awesome.
ReplyDeleteRegina Daniels doesn’t know what she lost.
Ned gave her so much freedom even as a married woman.
Ehya auntie european why did you marry na and waste somebody's son time .Will you be happy if someone did this to you ehn . It may be the hormones playing up too. I feel for the husband
ReplyDeleteYou feel for the husband,how???
DeleteSomeone that is busy gossiping his wife with his siblings and they also have a disgusting name they call her behind her back ,is that one a husband? Someone who doesn't respect his wife shioor.. Ge's not ready yet.
Poster I quite understand you.
ReplyDeleteHaving lived in Europe and used to their relationship method, you should have gone for an European man.
Naija 's style of marriage is for those of us who grew up here and have lived all our lives here.
Your hubby also grew up here and follows that style too. The only place where I fault your husband is that mocking part, he doesn't respect you, so how would his family even respect you? He is a stupid man.
Also, he is not supposed to force you to change your name or add his name to yours. I know some of my relatives who didn't do it and heaven did not fall.
Pls leave quietly and inform him of everything when you get there.
Your feelings are valid poster but you need to talk to a therapist to help you navigate them. It's a good thing you are travelling, please speak to a therapist before you tell your husband what's on your mind. Take care of yourself, your baby needs you.
ReplyDeletetherapy for what? when she already knows the cause of her depression, sister go back t your base and both of yu can do long distance marriage. It works the best. If that doesnt work, divorce. Men look for maids, cook and baby breeder in one person, they dont actually want marriage for anything else
DeleteThe mistake women do is losing themselves all in the name of marriage. Its not a Nigerian man thing. Just depends on the individual. For me, apart from moving in with my husband, nothing has changed for me. It took me 10 years to remarry after my divorce because I wanted to be with a man that will allow me be me. I love to sleep alone, I still do sometimes. I love solo traveling. I still do. Try and talk to your husband when you get to Europe. I am not against you traveling but make sure you communicate how you feel to him.
ReplyDeletePeople are wired differently and marriage is not for everyone. Take your time and figure out what you want. I do not conform to the traditional marriage norms that puts the burden on women. I told my husband I was looking for a partner not a husband and it has been that way. We are married but its partnership where we do things together and support each other's dreams and goals. Please dont lose yourself.
Not every couple like to wear to match, since you feel this way, I think your decision to live apart is good
ReplyDeleteGood luck and safe delivery
Poster did u date this ur husband? Or was it arranged? From ur description, he appears immature. Tell him about ur pregnancy and go to Europe as u're planning, u might have a change of mind while there. Please DO NOT TERMINATE THAT PREGNANCY.
ReplyDeletewtf is your business is she wanna do that~? y'all behave holier than thou, will you help her with childcare and stuff?
Deleteare you saying you just found out all you just said after you said i do?
ReplyDeleteYou have a good plan. Keep on with it.
ReplyDeleteYour sanity is worth everything especially now that you are pregnant. Please do not let him know you are pregnant so that other stories and manufactured cultural ish will not crop up suddenly.
More strength and wisdom to you
Your Sis in-laws mock you and your husband cheers them on ?
ReplyDeleteThey are only using YOU ! Find your peace sisterly ...
I can forgive anything but the talking behind your back and mocking you is unforgivable. Please annul the marriage and move on with your life.
ReplyDeleteMarriage is not stress and you are not to feel stressed out because you got married, actually you’re to feel lighter and more joyful, hopeful and expectant for a good future. I wonder why you accepted to marry at all. These feelings could not have just come on suddenly. You must take some of the blame for not living authentically and honouring truth. Why did you deny yourself to enter a union you did not desire, uproot your life, and put yourself in places you had no reason or desire to be? Please don’t pull this kind of stunt with your life ever again. Live truthfully and honestly, never deny who you are to fit into anyone else’s picture of who you should be and to become what you can never be!
It’s all okay to forgive if you want
DeleteI wouldn’t make a big decision while pregnant. Hormones can really make one think very deep
ReplyDeleteGo to Europe finish this pregnancy
See how he behaves as a father
Tell him how you feel about everything and then decide whether to come back or not
I can understand when you feel like you're locked up in a box and you can't breathe. Sis, you will be fine.
ReplyDeleteTravel, then tell him from there. Maybe you love him but you just do not want to be seeing him everyday. Some people are like that. Think deeply before taking any action
A lot of useless Nigerian Men gossip and say ill things about their wives to/with their families. I am part of the statistics, its a deep form of betrayal.
ReplyDeleteThis is what I don’t get. Why would he mock his wife behind her back with his sisters. Who does that? Even if she has an unbearable personality and is unlikable, she is still his wife. I do not get partaking in such behind her back. The marriage is not an old one where resentment had time to build up. Those women will be family to her child, the horror.
DeleteI wonder why you got married in the first place
ReplyDeleteHmmmn welcome to the life of most married Nigerian women. i'm married a year and few months and most times i regret ever getting married. The only thing that makes me happy is when i look at my baby. Most Nigerian men have "small dick energy" an over-inflated ego and sense of worth. They pretend when you are dating them and reveal their true colors when you get married. Don't tell him while still in Nigeria, and remember most of them are pretenders, so he can pretend to lure you back and take your child.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on your pregnancy. Seems like pregnancy hormones is adding to your stress, navigating your personal needs while trying to play the traditional role of new wife can be stressful.
ReplyDeleteLet's unpack it together:
You have shared the stress points in your union on this forum and I commend you for being self aware as to knowing what is making you unhappy.
Does your husband really know these things that is making you sad? (Most men who love their wife will want to please her especially when newly married--if he understands how you feel he might may some adjustments)
The orientation of marriage in Europe is one of partnership and couples easily dissolve the marriage if they sense that it's not working (no fault divorce). Do a deep search to be sure that that is not the case here (I.e wanting to bail at the first sign of trouble). The first year in marriage is usually difficult, integration, learning each other's love language and in your case you seem to be far away from /support/friends/comfort zone so, it's okay to feel anxious and panicky. If you up and leave it's going to leave a lot of confusion...does it mean you didn't really love him? Did it mean the vows you said in court was a lie? If you weren't pregnant would you have left? Did you use him because he was the only one that proposed?
You don't trust him, so, is he such a terrible person that you want run away with his child and tell him the news when you are miles away from him(blackmail and deception)? The news that should be a happy news that he's going to be a dad for the first time (what a beautiful way to disclose it!)?
Do what's best for you and your baby, stay safe but I want you to know that even the best marriages have their difficult moments at the early stages and those who learned to negotiate through their differences have the last laugh.
PS: in my private moment I gossip with my siblings funny things that happened in my family in a playful manner and it doesn't mean I don't respect my partner/family.
PCX
And as ever, comprehension or bias perspectives is the hallmark of many here, to not end the chronicle without a blame on the man directly, she came with the; and oh I read chats hook. If the code name is a bad one as you insinuate, don't you think he would make an effort for you not to see with a code on his phone or delete? What if they are codes like Asanwa or Achaluguo etc that myself find not trendy?
ReplyDeleteWhere in the world are real marriages far away from the things you mentioned you hate? Or don't they wear same branded cloths like Christmas attire?
Just tell the innocent man you're sorry you were not ment for marriage in the first place and keep on moving, coz your staying is to cook or fry more lies to suit your selfish interest against the man tomorrow.
And the many gullible here always will concur to anything written by a woman without calling out most for accountability.
QED
DeleteThe jokes, if made at all, are clearly about her idiosyncrasies obvious to all even from this post.
Rubbish talk
DeleteSo why did you get married? Didn’t you see the red flag before you said I do or was it an arranged marriage?
ReplyDeleteHello Poster,
ReplyDeleteI understand your frustration, but there’s a question sitting quietly behind your story - which you didn’t answer. What exactly convinced you to say yes to this man? What did you see in each other? Unless this was a rushed or near-arranged situation, your time together before marriage should have revealed the kind of person you both are.
People don’t suddenly transform after the wedding; they simply drop the act and settle into their true selves. They either evolve into better versions or stop pretending altogether.
That said, I sympathise with you, because you narrated your frustration like someone waking up in a room they never agreed to sleep in. The problem as I see it, is not your marriage itself; it’s the quiet dishonesty that started long before you agreed to marry this man.
Like two people signed a contract thinking they were buying the same future, only to realise the fine print was written in different languages one understood better than the other.
What you’ve described looks nothing like confusion, but a kind of clarity that arrived too late. You built a life in Europe where identity breathes without negotiation, then stepped into a structure where your name, your wardrobe, your body, and even your silence suddenly became communal property. That kind of shift will choke anyone who built their independence with their own hands.
You have a different orientation and perspective on being married. Which brings me yet again to my earlier question; what did you see in him to have said yes?
Still, the pregnancy complicates everything. There’s a child in the middle now, and that means whatever decision you make must be clean, not impulsive. Not cruel. Your husband mocking you with his sisters says something disturbing about the climate of that home, but disappearing without a proper conversation only creates another wound. Two wrongs don’t cancel themselves; they multiply.
The real issue I beg to be corrected, isn’t that you’re “the problem.” It’s that you walked into a life that doesn’t honour the person you’ve grown into before marriage beckoned - to which you didn’t prioritise. And when a life stops fitting, the body revolts. The mind rebels. Peace becomes a virtue of resentment.
If you’re leaving, leave with truth. Say what needs saying, not for his comfort but so you don’t spend the next decade explaining your choices to yourself. Yes, you may choose to keep the pregnancy to yourself until you’re back on your own turf. But whichever path you take, choose it with the understanding that running is easy; facing the truth of who you are - and who you’re not - is the hard part.
I only wish more people would examine the kind of partnership they truly fit into, by mirroring what they want. It would spare many marriages from the slow ache of incompatibility that was obvious from the start.
Dear Poster, firstly, you are not the problem!
ReplyDeleteSecondly, you deserve to be happy. And if the marriage isn't giving you happiness, you have the right to review things ...
Thirdly, regarding informing him about your decision: PLEASE, AND PLEASE, DON'T MAKE THE MISTAKE OF INFORMING HIM WHILE YOU ARE STILL IN NIGERIA. That would be the worse mistake of your life, as you may never be able to return. And it could be fatal. If they can't stop you, they may off you for your assets!
My ex-boss had the same experience as the poster the first time she got married and she dissolved it, though she was never pregnant. Eventually she met a different man remarried and is living a blissful life by the seaside.
DeletePoster, whatever you do, don't tell him about your decision (yet) while you are still in Nigeria. It would be dangerous to inform him while you are still in Nigeria, because they will try to stop you. And if you insist, they might go spiritual on you; especially if you have assets. Be careful, and for your safety, no sentiments, please!
ReplyDeleteI have heard of a similar story, that the man killed her for her assets. Be careful and prayerful🙏. Your safety is paramount... Keep your plans and decision secret untill you have arrived your base safely. All the best🙏
ReplyDeletePoster, you are not the problem. And as humans, we make mistakes. You have made a mistake with the marriage. And as long as you are still alive and well, you can change the narrative.
ReplyDeleteDon't inform him about your planned decision and don't inform him about the pregnancy (yet).
If you want, you can keep the baby to yourself. Let it be your reward for the pain you have passed through in their hands. Keep it moving. Except you still want the man in your life if curse... All the best🙏
I noticed that today's comments are mostly on anon mode hia,why nah🙄
ReplyDeleteDear poster, there are persons like you,yes they do exist and is not a bad idea or bad feelings at all and they don't see getting married as option
That is were I blame you the most,you shouldn't have taken that decision at first place eeh now you want to break somebody's son heart abi,again I hope is not pregnancy hormone acting already
In that case may God fix it for you or you watch nollywood movie"the other woman"🙄
You are fundamentally incompatible with this man.
ReplyDeleteI would move on with a clean slate as the incompatibility will apply to parenting too.
Please court or live together before marriage.
"Carry the pregnancy and go to Europe" you guys chant.
ReplyDeleteEvery chronicle with the man losing gets ovationised encouragement.
But when the losing man is your brother(s), the story changes.
#NaUnaWay
Is he asking you to cook for him or you’re doing it on your own
ReplyDelete