DOGS Corner

This topic isn’t something that gets talked about a lot. Most would rather sidestep it because it does make for an uncomfortable discussion. But this is a discussion that needs to be had all the same particularly since it appears to be an accepted norm in our society.

Why do married men who keep mistresses outside, not divorce the wife and start over with the mistress? We see issues like this everywhere. The man keeps a mistress/mistresses outside, spends time, resources and affection on them and yet keeps a wife at home. 

A wife he will never consider divorcing.

I don’t go with the rather simplistic view we have come to embrace here in Nigeria that ‘men are polygamous in nature’ and I certainly don’t think polygamy should still have a place in our current society. But it does exist and the law doesn’t criminalize it. But that’s another matter entirely. 

If the option exists however and assuming the wife in the home has no reservations against it, why doesn’t the cheating husband just go ahead and wife the mistress? We can’t really answer this without understanding why the mistress exists in the first place.

See, the mistress is an escape plan.

 That’s all she is. She offers the man without emotional depth and maturity an escape. She mirrors, she masks, she paints. She gives him an illusion. One he buys, one he believes in. She offers him emotional detachment. Intimacy without affections. She knows she can’t demand emotional attachment from him because that is a spot the wife already occupies. 

At anytime she starts demanding emotional commitment from the man, he starts to withdraw. She gets replaced in a heartbeat. She failed to understand she was nothing more than a tool. One to be used at will and discarded when it becomes more trouble than it is worth.

The psychology of the cheating man can’t really be understood. I mean I have sat with a number of them and I have asked pointedly.

“Will any of you abandon your wives and marry your mistresses?” After the initial deafening silence that follows, none answered in the affirmative. Most will tell you they still love their wives and you can see how fiercely and deeply possessive they can be of them. Some of the wives do know their husbands are cheating but since he doesn’t rub it in their faces, they let it slide. 

One of such wives told me pointedly that she’d be disappointed if her husband wasn’t running around on her. I kid you not. The reasons she gave for that are not what I can share here for now.

I have had a woman whose husband cheats on her endlessly tell me that the reason why a number of marriages have lasted as long as they have is because a side piece exists somewhere.

 The marriage becomes a tripodal relationship of sorts and the moment that side piece gets removed from the picture, the marriage will be forced to face its demons and will most likely collapse. I consider this argument to be batshit insane. But maybe that’s what works for them.

It is generally held that men can compartmentalize emotions from sex. Who says women can’t as well? I think women can be generally more brutal in that regard. The true mark of a man is fidelity to his emotions and the value he places on his sexuality.

 If the wife in the home is not good enough, she should be let go before going on to be involved with another woman. That’s my thinking but most of us would rather keep her at home while scouring outside. But that’s wrong.

No one should bear the pain of dealing with an unfaithful spouse. If we don’t love them enough not to cheat, we should at least place enough value on ourselves to let them go before we do. But that’s near impossible. Cheating is only ‘fun’ when it is done and gotten away with. And what a sad state of things that is.