STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
ADVICE NEEDED
I'm putting this out because of my kids. I had to separate from my man and it is because of my children o! Imagine getting to know ourselves and everything seemed so good and sweet.
He already knew I am divorced with 2 children and never complained about that and he, a single guy who was never married. Infact, he was always wanting to speak with my children and wanting me to introduce him as their dad but I have never allowed him cos it's until a man pays my bride-price before I can begin to allow such relationship between him and my kids.
During one of our dates, he pleaded that after marriage, my damsels won't live with us but with my parents as he doesn't want the family to know I have kids now until after about 2 to 3 years into the marriage (he was straight about marriage and ready to meet my parents from the outset).
Oga, so you can not defend me in front of your family?
He started speaking gibberish and begging me to understand. Na so I end the relationship o! I never see wetin go make me live away from my most precious gifts when no be say I japa to go find greener pasture.
I still feel somehow letting a good relationship go and sometimes I feel I should have played along but what if he switches on the earlier agreed plan. Pls anyone with similar experiences?.
WHAT A WICKED MAN!!!Asking you to be away from your kids cos of him? no way!!!....If you had married him, na so you for meet more conditions wey for shock you!!!
He's not wicked. It's his own principle.
ReplyDeleteThen next time,go for a divorced or widower and leave the single man who doesn't want to drag you into any unnecessary drama.
He knows his family and has spoken to you. Did you ask for proper discussion?has he said something and reneged on it?
Can we stop painting anyone who doesn't give us what we want as evil? Because this man isn't.
He only spoke up honestly,and you didn't.
I totally agree with you. Most of single mothers find it sexy or a thing of pride when a man that has never been married before approaches them. To be honest it’s high time they understood that men are wired differently from women, only in exceptional cases will you find a man that would love you whole heartedly when you have another man’s child. But a woman can do that for a man. In the end, they mostly come with conditions. I wish these single ladies will stop wasting their time with men that have never married and go for divorcees like them or single fathers. Having a blended family will be fine.
DeletePrinciples on a faulty foundation, and without sincerity. Then if issues arise later in the marriage he will use it against her; that's immaturity. If he truly loves her, and is willing to marry a single mother then he should fully own that decision, including being transparent with his family about her status. Commitment requires honesty, courage, and accountability from the start.
DeleteYou’re not okay
DeleteSomeone met her with kids
Made her fall in love and started nonsense talk and this is your response
I hate rubbish
He’s a jerk
Date single or divorced it’s up to you
Don’t let anyone make you think you did anything wrong here
16:29, who is fighting you? See the way u r insulting ppl upandan. Everyother person dropped their comment wtout insults. We must not agree wt the same thing but that doesnt give u the license to abuse us. It is obvious you are the one that is not ok in this thread.
Delete17:46 so your rubbish talk that she should find her level was polite
DeleteYou are seeing nothing wrong with the guy's request because you lack morals. Why didn't he go for a single woman? He's encouraging poster to neglect her children and you see nothing wrong with it? Do you know how emotionally damaging that could be for the children? If not wickedness, what will enter a normal human being to say a child should be neglected by his mother? HE IS WICKED!!! (deal with it)
DeleteHe's a liar as well by that his suggestion. A man who can lie to his own family cannot be trusted either. Moreover he's not self aware; if he doesn't like what a baby mama comes with, then why go for her?
Poster don't let these people gaslight you.
20.27, God bless you.
DeleteHe wanted you to introduce him as their Dad, but didn't want them to live with you, because his family didn't know about them. What a clown. You feel bad to let go of a good relationship, good as per how na???
ReplyDeleteThe guy was being honest and I don't blame you either.
ReplyDeleteIt's better to let go now than regret later. Marriage is not just for copulation, it also an agreement between two people, and since children are involved both parties must understand and align with their principles, including family interference, and since it didn't work out at that stage then it's fine. You made the right decision.
ReplyDeletePoster, go for baby daddy, divorcee or widower.
ReplyDeleteHe knows his family and how to handle them.
You think about yourself only and defending you(whatever that mean) is selfishness.
Well, you did nothing wrong, inasmuch as he has his own reasons, it’s highly unfair to ask you to live without your kids.
ReplyDeleteWhen he started dating you, he knew you had kids so this is really on him!
Hopefully, someone that will accept all of you will find you soon!
No one should ever ask such of a mother. For the sake of what? A marriage that can disintegrate at any moment . To please a person who may tomorrow ask you to leave his house for any reason he chooses. You did the right thing, no relationship or ring is worth traumatizing your children for.
ReplyDeleteStella I do not Consider the Man As Wicked.
ReplyDeleteIt is His Choice.
It is Very hard to See a Young Single Man that Genuinely want a Long Lasting Relationship with a Single Mother.
@ Poster,God will bring Your Own Man,This Particular Man's Choice does not Align with Yours. Sorry Darling. May Your Children be A Blessing to You and to Their Generations.
You make your choice known in the beginning
DeleteHe is wicked and a terrible wimp
No, Marie. He is wicked! He knew she was a single mother with kids! Where would she drop those children?! It's still you women that would blame her if she had done that.
DeleteYou know him more than us and perhaps he has other good attributes. You could have sorted it out because every relationship has it's Challenge .My cousin married a divorced man with 3 children and their agreement was that the kids should stay with their mother or with their grandparents but could spend holidays with them only because she felt she needed her space and it worked for them .
ReplyDeleteNa wa o for one use less man? That's how my neighbor left hers with sister na so them pregnant 13yrs old girl .poster you did well .
ReplyDeleteWhy couldn't he go for a single woman that has no kid/s if he knows that he won't want his family to know that he's married to a divorcee with kids?
ReplyDeleteThere was a school mate of mine that was a single mother of one, when she wanted to marry, her parents called her husband to be and asked him if he was aware that his wife to be was a single mother, he said yes, they asked him if his parents were also aware, he was fidgeting and couldn't answer properly, they told him to tell his parents to come and see them, his parents came and they asked them if they were aware that the woman their son wanted to marry was a single mother, his parents were surprised told them, they called his wife to be daughter and showed her to them, that this is the daughter of who their son wanted to marry, that if they were pleased with it, they should go ahead with the marriage plans and fix dates, but if they were not, the marriage preparation should not start at all, that they didn't want anything in the future that will make the man said he was not aware and his parents too will believe him and said their daughter hid her child from him and deceived him into marrying her.
His parents agreed and said they're happy with any decision their son made as long as it would make him happy, they've been happily married for many years, the girl from her previous relationship is still living with them and they even have their own kids.
Such a good parents
DeleteIt's good he was being truthful than surprising you later.. it's good you let go too, I'm glad you are so passionate about your kids.God will bless you with your own soon.
ReplyDeletemost times anything you accept before marriage will remain same when you have entered the marriage. Is good you take your stand from on set to avoid sabi you agreed to what i said.
ReplyDeleteThis! Not every woman is desperate or will accept anything for a ring. His false face had to show up eventually. This BV and her children are truly loved by God. She passed her spiritual test!
DeleteI suggest you go for someone that got divorced or a widower like others suggested. Someone who cannot tell his parents about the kids now, will not allow those kids living with you in the future. If he wants to be their dad, let him be that with his full chest
ReplyDeleteAs it should be, you and your children are a package deal, and if he can't handle it, then there is no point.
ReplyDeleteIt's a good thing he told you, so you know your stand, some wicked men spring this on women after much forcing them to part with their kids and live them with relatives.
The moment he started asking you to introduce him to your kids as their dad was when he waved the first red flag. You didn't mention if your girls' dad is in their lives, but even if he weren't, a gentleman would follow due process by marrying you properly and letting things flow naturally.
ReplyDeleteAdditionally, how do you reconcile him wanting to be your kids' dad, but insisting on them not living with you two when married? He sounds like a confused person. I also think his suggestion for your girls not to live with you both was a ruse to get you to break up with him.
Please don't let him return. He has already shown you his hand. Enjoy your life with your girls. When wants you, he accepts you and all that you come with without reservation.
Your man will come for you soon. Don't worry
Thank God he showed you he is than after you delved into the marriage. Na so person dey become divorced twice.
ReplyDeleteYou've done the right thing. Other T&C's might come up as you continue, you just can't tell.
ReplyDeleteWhat if his family feel betrayed after and decide to make your life unbearable? A lot of factors has to be considered. You'll find your own by God's grace, don't worry.
You did the right thing.It saves you future problems with his family.
ReplyDeletePoster,please don't expose yourself like this next time. Plus look for people,with like experiences and expectations. It will solve more issues. Your kids are no baggage.
ReplyDeleteTrust me, you made the right choice.
ReplyDeleteYou made the right choice, let me guess? You are financial stable than him cuz that's the only reason many single guys will want to marry a divorce with 2 kids.
ReplyDeleteHello Poster,
ReplyDeleteIs your ex wicked? No. He is afraid. And that fear exposed a weak boundary.
He is not afraid of you. He is not afraid of your children. He is afraid of perception - how he looks in the eyes of his parents, extended family, and friends. He is afraid of judgement. Afraid of the social pressure he believes will follow him. Instead of confronting that fear directly, he tried to manage it by moving your children out of sight.
His position shows a man with reputational anxiety - a dependence on external approval. He tried to control the optics rather than defend the truth. That tells you his identity is still tied to family validation. His loyalty hierarchy is not settled. And avoidance sits at the centre of it.
Sometimes people get swept up in the excitement of being with someone who feels right. In that euphoria, they ignore practical realities that will eventually demand firm decisions. When reality arrives, panic follows. That panic tells you the relationship was never fully anchored.
He wanted the emotional reward of playing father, but did not want the social cost of standing by that role publicly. That does not paint him as wicked, he is immature at fulfilling commitments.
A man who is ready for marriage stands by his choice openly. He does not delay reality for some years and hope it resolves itself. Marriage requires individuation - the ability to stand as an adult separate from parental control. He is not fully there.
So, you were right to end it.
Children are not accessories to be adjusted for convenience. The moment you agree to hide them, you have communicated that your motherhood is negotiable. And what is negotiated before marriage becomes amplified after it.
Compatibility is not chemistry alone. It requires shared courage. You cannot build long-term stability on someone still negotiating his backbone.
He may eventually choose a partner whose life aligns neatly with his family’s expectations. That is his decision. But you need a man who can stand beside you without editing your story.
You did not lose a good relationship. You refused and walked away from a structurally weak one.