Saturday In House Gists...

Saturday In House gists ONE - SIX and i have really laughed out myself getting this post ready.
Please enjoy..

GIST ONE
'SLEEPING IN THE MONKEY SHADOW

Hello dear Stella, hope you and the family are ok? May the good Lord bless you plenty for your generosity and admirable work towards humanity! 

.... Unto my gist: When I was child, my mother(of blessed memory), had this funny habit of hers; when she and my dad had a fight, she will not sleep in their room and instead share my bed. It wasn't funny because not only was I aware of the reason for it, but I could not sleep peacefully(lol, I used to be a crazy sleeper with my limbs flung every and which way).

I had to be conscious of my body while asleep. One effective way we used in diffusing the tension in our home after their fights was to watch a really interesting movie especially a funny one (Problem child, Home alone, Coming to America, Atinga... where amongst our favourite especially my for my mum).one evening she and my dad  had a falling out and that night, we decided to watch one of our favourite movie of all time which is 'Snake in The monkey Shadow' (those where the days mehn! Kikikiki) and the movie's magic worked on my mum. 

She was laughing her head off and had really relaxed. I breathed a sigh of relief and was inwardly glad I had the bed all to myself. Unfortunately for me, my joy was short-lived as my Mother wasn't ready to forgive my Father! So I got into to bed that night knowing I was in for another uncomfortable sleeping experience.

I don't know what it was about that night...maybe because my sleep was not peaceful(I think I've read somewhere that a restful sleep is without dreams or nightmares ), I started dreaming that I was Jackie Chan's sidekick, was displaying impressive karate moves and kicking butt! I was even making those sound like 'Hia! Acha! Aaaa!' And just having the time of my life mehn! Next thing i heard was 'iyanmi o!, eyin ami awod mien! Ansio mien eyen!'(this child has killed me o, she will pluck out my eyes o!) 

I thought I was hearing the cry in my dream and as a super sidekick, fought harder not realising my body was physically responding to the moves I was making in my dream and I was busy kicking at my poor Mother! A slap was all I needed to wake me up and cause me to realise in less than a minute what I had done.
I became the laughing stock in the house for a while but I did not mind much because that event caused my Mother to stay put with her husband for a while and leave me to sleep well jare!  Nevertheless, the whole experience left a mark on me o! I became a more 'organised' sleeper! Loooool. Long live Sdkers!

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GIST TWO

ERRRRM  *SIDE EYES*

This happened in school a while back.my department learnt in a very big

pavilion due to number and negligence.

One morning,all the classes were having lectures and this guy in white

polo was walking past the arena.all of a sudden,his books fell,he held

his chest and started screaming,fell down then started convulsing.at first nobody moved till a guy ran to him.

They started pouring pure water on him,one over sabi even went to do Cpr.we wey siddon come dey scream say make some people go get cab.e no get wetin i no imagine....From winches and wizard to lack of oxygen in the brain.

As everyone dey shout,na in this guy stand up,carry en book,jejely waka

comot.we come see some guys carrying placards 'vote so so and so for

so so and so'.kai,we no fit shout....na in we come they cheer.the

lecturers come vex waka comot say na 'affront' abi wetin sef.i don

forget.but my lecturer,for where?the guy no gree go.im just continue

from where he stopped amid our protests.

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GIST THREE

 GLORIA INA TAKE M CHE....

So I remembered the gist my mom gave us a little while ago.

Y'all know this catholic hymn that goes like

Glory to God in the highest

glory to God in the highest

glory to God in the highest

The highest o

So they were singing in church and everyone was singing along and clapping. Then she noticed one woman sitting close to her that was clapping more than others. She was almost jumping up sef and dancing and shaking body well. My mom was admiring her enthusiasm until she heard her lyrics. Which was a  little bit above every other person's own. She was singing

Gloria ina take m che

Gloria ina take m che

Gloria ina take m che

Ina take m che eee

Translation in english

Gloria you're are protecting me

Gloria you're protecting me

Gloria you're protecting me

You're are protecting me ooo

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GIST FOUR 
FIRST TIMER GROUNDED

As a kid I was a handful, momma said from conception to the day I came into the world (after 24hrs of labour, she kept singing it to me), I gave them nothing but headache, I was always getting into trouble, even when I seem not to, trouble always has a way of locating me and dragging me in the middle. 

For that, I always got punished by my father till the man even got tired of the flogging and decided to go for punishment that does not require beating because I was getting used to it, plus the last time he flogged me I passed out and that scared the living day light out of him. I earned the nickname Mrs. Spencer from my siblings from the then TV soap, Mr. Spencer, it was that bad.

There was this particular episode that happened, it was Xmas and we were holidaying in the village like every other Christmas, it was super fun as kids back then; we had freedom, freedom to do whatever we wanted and to even do some things you dare not try in the city for fear of incurring the wrath of my father and get away with it, because we had full immunity, if dad should try anything, all those old women in our compound who believed they owned us more that my parents would come hard on him, and trust me to wail out my lungs if dad tried anything with me, even if it’s a pinch to the ear.

So that Xmas, I was about 8 and we were supposed to go see my maternal grandmother, our cousins in the village were to take us. We got dressed and took off. When we got to Grams, she told us that one of her relative in the compound just came in from the States and would love to see us, since he knew mum from their growing up days and all. She told our cousins to take us to see the man and warned us to behave while looking at me.

We got to the man’s place after the introduction and everything, he brought out cookies and chocolate, shared amongst us and told us to go and play with his kids since he had a visitor at the time. After a while, I got bored of the kids and their funny accent and decided to look for another form of adventure, so I decided to go eavesdrop on my great uncle and his guest, I hid behind the sofa and listened to their conversation, none of what they were saying made sense so I decided to leave, then I heard my great uncle tell the man that the drink they were taking was made in one country I couldn’t pronounce it then, in fact what got my attention was the way my uncle was hyping the drink, the guest was just shaking his head in admiration of the drink, there and then I decided I was going to test this drink.

I went to confide in one of my cousin, who was close to what I was, we had identical character with a year difference between us, she agreed with me to go and taste the drink. That was how we started lurking, till the guest left and my G-uncle went to see him off. We swooped in and started sipping the drink, it had this sweet milky taste, but I also noticed that it burned a bit when I swallowed it, but who cared, it was fun, my cuz will stand guard while I sip and when it was her turn I would do same for her; we kept taking turns till one of the helps came to clear the table.

After a while, I started feeling funny, everything was becoming doubled, and when I try to walk I seem to stagger, meanwhile my partner in crime seem fine, soon I was sweating, I find one corner sit down, my cousin noticed what was going on and went to call my two elder sisters, by then I could only hear them and a funny ringing in my head but couldn’t see; they didn’t want our host to find out what happened, so they decided to smuggle me out of the house it was getting dark already. 

When we got to my Grams,I was laid on the bed, I could hear them talking, my baby brother was crying he thought I was going to die, I wanted to open my eyes but it felt like something was pressing them close. Grams called in her co-wife and explained, they were now suggesting what to do, and finally they decided to give me water and sugar. Told my sibling to go home, if my father should ask of me, they should say I’ll be spending the night at Grams place, my baby brother couldn’t keep his mouth shut, immediately they got home he told my mum that I was dying at Grams and she said not to tell them, before you could say jack, my parents don show, my grandmother had no choice than to tell what happened. By then I was already sleeping it off, dad insisted on taking me home with them.

By morning, it was no longer news that I got drunk last night, this time around, it was one of those women who was always giving dad grief about beating us that gave me the beating of my life, even my sweet mother didn’t come to my rescue, my cousin was not spared too.
  

We were grounded for the rest of the festive period, I got a new job as dad’s new errand girl, I’ll wait upon him anytime we had guests, which was often, my job was to bring water for washing hands ,clearing tables, fetching more drinks for them chai I suffer that period eh ,I turned to mouse if I talk or even smile na problem, my siblings will get dressed in the evening to go and watch the village match and even masquerade, me I will be waiting table for dad. I was even banned from fetching water from the stream, my job was to empty their keg when they came back.

Shout out to Kehinde, I know how it feels, my dad is late now, but I still have all those memories of him, it wasn’t easy at first, but I’ve learnt to leave with it, you’ll get there E-hugs

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GIST FIVE

BROTHER BAYO AND I

Good day Stella of life...This is my own IHG...Our last born

was still some months old and my parents had to go for one outing, so

we were told to stay with her and take care of her..me and my elder

brother. 

We were both young like 9 and 13yrs old...they both left and

like good children, we stayed and watched over her till she slept. It

was getting boring so my elder brother suggested we both go play

outside and be  checking her up every 30minutes which I

agreed...playing outside was fun, we played ball and I was always

alert to go check on her, but later when we started playing action

film where we go dey shoot each oda, I got carried away and didn't

even remember my sister was alone in the house. 

In the cause of the film,we went through houses hiding from our 'enemies'. It was perfect, had killed plenty of them then I decided to look for more enemy around our house and I then I saw my Dads car.... Popsy don arrive...I looked formy brother but he was too good in hiding so I decided to go home

alone....

 I entered the sitting room, saw mum and greeted her, she was

like you this children, where did you go leaving your sis all alone like

this, I stammered, she said don't worry go and greet your dad in his

room. 

Note: you can't greet my dad standing or just bending slightly, you

go chop slap. I knocked and prostrated.it was like dad too was acting

films with us, koboko landed on my back..that kind of pain you don't know

if you should cry or just scream..dad shushed me, if you scream I will

double it, go call your brother and if you notify him you will take his

beating.....

Note: a day dad wanted to beat my brother, he saw the cane

and ran away till night bringing back our neighbours to beg...I knew I

had to be perfect, thank God I didn't cry. I went in search of my

action film brother  with plantain chips on my hand..when I saw him

from afar, I started jumping and smiling and shouting, 'broda Bayo,

daddy ti de'..he started asking so many questions, what happened, did

he beat you, is he angry? But odechi, I said noooo...he even gave me

chips. My broda was convinced enough and we were jumping home like

someone that just won a lottery...we entered sitting room greeted mum,

she said bawo ni oooo, daddy dey room, as my broda entered papa room,

chai, I could feel his pain, Na  ye ye ye ye eyin mi oooo I hear....I

no fit laugh. He came out from dads room, eyes red he looked me, then

just went to his room straight.... Broda Bayo no chop through out that

day again ooo.....till date, before he can trust me, I will have to

use Ogun, ,Bible Quran and even show him plenty proofs.

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GIST SIX

YANSH WEY YOU NO PRESS NA ALEKOBA

This incident happened during my secondary school days. I went to a boarding school and i will never forget this incident..
We had a cook then, we called her iya Moses.. This woman's hips and backyard is something else.. BV Faith Martins hip and toolz oniru hips put together na learner for this woman side. All the boys from SS3 to JSS1 and all male teachers fantasize about her. 

She noticed this extra attention, so she took every opportunity to flaunt her backyard to the death of all males around. So, on this faithful sunday devil wanted to catch iya moses. Every sunday we always have  jollof rice and one tiny piece of meat for dinner. Now, this was the best delicacy on our time table (compared to the water and bean weavils garnish with selected bean seeds that they serve us on Saturday mornings).That afternoon, a very notorious senior that we call charloo(  Charles) had an argument with another senior on the genuineness of iya moses hip. 

And they came to a conclusion that she puts foam inside her underwear and charlo vowed to confirm it. I didn't know how that conversation travelled round the boys hostel that " na mouka foam iya moses dey put for ikebe, senior charlo wan confirm". So, that evening the bell for dinner was rung and we all went to the dinning hall. 

Now, let me explain how we receive our food. The boys and the girls queue on separate lines, two cooks serves the girls while another pair serves the boys. Unfortunately for Iya Moses, she was serving the  boys. All was going smoothly, until it was charlo's turn to be served..

 All eyes was on charlo. 

The reason why i will always love NEPA is they know the right time to seize their power. Darkness descended on all of us like a blanket. Then someone shouted "LAMANCE".....Now, that word was a word known only to the boys and it is usually used on  "aka  gum" boys that wants to eat alone and die alone. 

Everyone will rush the person's food like the almajiris up  north. Normal procedure when there is power failure is to secure your precious tiny meat. On this day, Iya Moses serving charlo and NEPA taking light and the shout of LAMANCE made something clicked.

 All the boys in the hall went after Iya Moses.

 For close to twelve minutes, the woman was shouting "EGBA MI OO, MR KUNLE ( the teacher in charge of dinner) AWON OMO YII MA MA TE IDI MI PA, MR KUNLE OO.. YEEPA...OWO BA MI POO". All the time she was shouting she held on to one person. At the sound of the generator kicking in, everyone ran back to their seat as if nothing happen. When the lights came on, Charlo was struggling with Iya Moses. 

Then Mr kunle came into the hall.

 Mr kunle had been wooing her for months without success, you can imagine his anger when he saw iya moses and charlo struggling with each other. " HAAAAAAAA, CHARLO" he screamed " YOU MASSACRE IYA MOSES BOMBOM.. O LON TE OUNJE AGBA, YOU ARE A DEAD MAN"..

The irony of the whole matter is charlo never touched the woman. He was too stunned that he could not move while the massacre was going on. The first time he was punished for a crime he didn't commit. After almost killing charlo, Mr Kunle told all the teachers and they all took turns to flog him. It was when the principal flogged him personally that we discovered that the principal was a coded admirer. 

During assembly the next day, everyone was punished both male and female. Charlo was called to the podium and asked the lesson he learnt, he said with a sheepish look" yansh wey you no press na alakoba". Everyone including the teacher almost died of laughter. He became iya moses best friend after the incident. She gives him extra meat or fish during meals.

PS: This is purely fiction... Charlo no be you oo... Although e happen but the one wey i put here na co-incidence oooo.. No come use bottle find me for club oo.

Last weeks winner the blow job poster has been credited by Money maker..Thank you Money maker.Catch this blow job oh..hehehehehhehe