Stella Dimoko Korkus.com: My Divorce Story - 4

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Saturday, January 21, 2017

My Divorce Story - 4

What an interesting story!







I met my ex-husband through my father.



 Daddy dearest assumed I was carefree and non chalant about love and relationship issues so he decided to step in and rescue me before I become a lost cause. On the appointed day of the meeting, I didn't want to go. A friend of mine who lived with me said there was no harm in trying. I decided to go, since I had a right to reject the dude. 


On meeting the dude, he was nice and looked responsible. He came with his mother. I also learned they were from my hometown and dude's dad was my father's childhood friend. Dude was my father's junior colleague in the same profession. The mum said the initial arrangement was for me to visit their home but since dad changed plans suddenly, she brought the food she prepared. We ate. 


Later, the guy dropped me at my house. This meeting happened in a different city. He drove me to another city where I lived in, a journey of about 2hrs. On the way, we gisted. He was very open and jovial. We laughed a lot. I was happy meeting him but I knew he was not my type. He was a chronic smoker, a walking chimney!


Father kept telling me that the young man was from a good home. He also said I will have an advantage of replacing my dead mum with his good mother. He earned the love of my friends and some family members. A few weeks after we met, we got married traditionally, a small scale affair. Then, we had the first sex. 

Nothing spectacular but I didn't mind. I didn't want to compare him to my Spartacus lover, the satisfier of my pu**y, my original pu**ylicker. I had a new phase of life so I moved on from Mr Ramotu*. 


I lived alone comfortably but dude still lived alone with his mum in his late father's duplex. I told him I didn't like that idea. I also told him I would prefer to live in a rented two bedroom apartment or we live in the father's house in a section strictly ours. He only had a room and parlour there. His kitchen was an extension of his mum's. His siblings moved in and out whenever they visited because the door was always open.


 The elder sister once saw me washing in the bathroom and complained of where I washed. I was wearing a bump short once, he complained and said, " anybody can easily come here without prior information, so dress properly ".I told him I wanted to live freely in my house. He said he didn't want to leave the mum. He had six other siblings. Four lived abroad. He was not the last child either. I told him it was better for the mum to come live with us than for us to live with the mum. 


Several factors robbed me of my peace so I told my husband I was no longer interested. He pleaded and cajoled me jovially. I yielded. Then, we started church courtship sessions in an Anglican church,his mother's church.
When I ask for sex, he would say, "the reverend says it is forbidden ". I would say, " we are married traditionally". He would tell me to be patient for the remaining six months before the white wedding. Patient, I was. 


The counseling session took place in his city. I took permission once a week, on special arrangement, to attend all sessions. Ideally, I slept in his house. He would drop me at home around 7pm and gallivant till 10pm. He hung out late and smoked a lot. He would say he would quit. Herculean task. 


By 7am, he would leave. He avoided me whenever I visited. 

I felt he was avoiding sex. I also lost interest in sex. I managed until the wedding night. I found out God loves me extra. I was at the peak of my ovulation. I asked the man to do the do. He told me he was tired from the wedding. He left that night and came in early morning when I was fast asleep. We had no honeymoon. I was called to work 4 days after my wedding. I asked him if I should come back that day if I finished early or if I should come the following day. He said I should come five days after, a day to Christmas.


 I was surprised. I went through the gifts to sort them out and to express gratitude to the givers. I saw a gift I didn't like. It was a photo frame from his ex professing love to him. It was hand written. I discarded it,then I travelled to my city. I was in the car when he called yelling about the destroyed gift as if I destroyed his life. He told me not to come back to his house . 


When I got to my office, after work, I confided in my boss. He rented a hotel room for me so that I wouldn't have to go to my house and told my friend to keep me company. He later advised me to forgive my husband and go home if he asked for my forgiveness. The following morning, he called and apologized. I forgave and went home. 


The late nights and smoking continued . I told him not to stop smoking because it would be his lungs and not mine that will be damaged. I told him to keep hanging out late so that he could apply to be a vigilante.
A few days after, he told me he was not sexually attracted to me. He also said he was not emotionally ready to have kids. No prior agreement. Just out of the blues! 


First, I tried to work it out on my own using emotional blackmail and prayers. Nothing worked. I told my father and his mother. They called him separately. That was the beginning of his hatred for me. He felt I embarrassed him.


The mother was a nice woman and very good to me. She believed in fairness. As an African, she was not happy that the son didn't want kids. She lambasted him. She even promised to train the kids for him if he didn't want to spend his own money. My dad told him I was not a piece of furniture. 


Another issue: We had similar surname. I told him I would prefer to answer his own name so that people will not assume I am still bearing my father's name. I told him privately and calmly. He never replied but his sisters(elder and younger) abroad called me to tell me to quit talking rubbish. I was surprised again. 


My city was bigger. I was working for the oil and gas sector. I told him to come to my city so I can hook him up to better business opportunities. He refused. I told him that I was willing to relocate to his city just so that this marriage could work. He said he preferred we visit each other and not live together. Gradually, we fell apart. Only one was in tango when it should take two to tango. 


I was worried about what people would say if the marriage fell apart. I ran to the reverend who joined us. He decided to intervene but he couldn't come up with anything concrete from the guy. All he said was he was not attracted to me. Why marry me then?


Who am I, you may wonder? I am 5feet9inches tall. I have well formed hips and I'm a little busty. Men saw me as a nymphet. When I walk past, men stare at me while women admire my dressing. I was jovial too and very intelligent. I was 26 then, and I already had my Master's degree. 

Who is this dude? He is an inch taller than me. Slim with six packs. Strict smart but not book smart. Would have been sexy but for his tobacco stained teeth( I booked an appointment with my dentist for him. He never showed up).
I forgot the marriage issues and decided to focus on my job. I didn't go to his house again. We talked on phone only. 


When I wanted to visit, he would tell me to postpone it. Sometimes, I would even lie that I was around. He would get upset. I gave him an ultimatum. He came to my city. We talked but it was just talk. No change. 

My father felt he made a mistake,so he wanted to fix it. The guy became insulting to my dad. I wouldn't have that.
I felt bad. I was no longer the bubbling and cheerful girl. I asked him what he wanted. He said if I couldn't cope like this, I should move on. I applied for vacation. I traveled to the US. While there, he came to collect the brideprice he paid. When I came back, I found a lawyer with the help of my company's client.


 The marriage was dissolved because there was no consummation and compatibility. 

Lessons :
1) Never assume you alone can make a successful home. It takes two to tango.
2) Never be with someone you are not attracted to. Don't assume attraction will come.
3) If all efforts failed, move on.
4) What people will say is not your business.
5) Never agree to any radical changes not discussed before the marriage.
6) Seek your happiness and peace of mind first.
7) Marry a man not a boy.
8) Love alone cannot sustain a marriage. It takes commitment, understanding, patience and more from BOTH parties.
9) A partner that makes you laugh may not make you happy.
10) Never marry anyone that has no fear for anybody. Not the shaky shaky fear but marry someone who has an authority they listen to. Don't marry who the Igbos call EZE ONYE AGWALAM. 

11) A person from a good home may not be a good person in marriage. 

12) Never blame someone who introduced you to your spouse as long as the person had good intentions. I was very angry with my dad. I stopped calling and visiting him but I realized he had good intentions and couldn't have known the guy was an imperious Homo sapien. 

13) Spend more on your marriage than on your wedding. 

14) Marry someone you can tell anything. Communication cannot be overemphasized. 

15) Marry a person with the fear of God, not just a church goer. 

16) Don't be limited in your thinking. Someone from your village may not give you marital bliss. Your happiness may lie in that tribe you hate very much.
In all honesty, this guy was not a bad guy but he was not ready for marriage. I used to ask him why he spent so much on his wedding but wouldn't invest time and effort in his marriage. Thank God, we didn't have any WNB. I would have been a frustrated single mother. 

All I regretted was the fact that he wasted two years of my life. I have never heard of/from him again. 

I am remarried now to a wonderful guy. He has vowed to make me forget my first experience. When I jokingly call him Yoruba demon, he will call me Igbo witch.


*He was probably gay right?did it ever occur to you?

His profile matches one who is!
I am happy that you found love again with a Yoruba demon.


109 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Just wow!!
      I'm glad you are happily married now.

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    2. Well written story complete with lessons. God bless you poster.This is a good post. Thumbs up Stella.

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    3. Thank God for your new home and found happiness and thank you for stating here that our Yoruba men are not demon its just about individual character.

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    4. Stella I do not think he is gay he had an ex (female) remember. I just feel he wasn't ready or was still inlove with his ex or probably bipolar. A lot of people have mental issues they don't know about. Thank God for your new status, shows no man can hold u down

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    5. no tribe is bad. just like every family has a black sheep so does every tribe.

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    6. Story. He was gay. There's no way he wasn't,

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    7. Yoruba are not good in marriage but their are a few good ones,the rest na rubbish

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    8. Guy wasn't gay, he just wasn't ready for marriage. Imagine still living in his mother's house and saying that he's not ready to leave. Reminds me of my husband, men with small boy mentality. If not for my good heart, I have already considered my marriage a failed project. Almost two years of marriage and my husband still shouting that he's not ready for kids.

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    9. All these igbo hook ups dont always work. Na trial n error.

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  2. Replies
    1. He may not be gay. They both were forced into something/someone they didn't want. The sad side of arranged marriage.

      Tamunomiete

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    2. Poster am happy you've move on with your life.
      The guy is a confirmed gayton
      Wishing you all the best in your new marriage.


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    3. Poster am happy you've move on with your life.
      The guy is a confirmed gayton
      Wishing you all the best in your new marriage.


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    4. Mehnnn, this sounds exactly like my ex husband, I ve not heard from him either nor seen him for 6 years, I am remarried too, to a kind man that loves me, I don't want my son to ever know his biological dad, some pple think it's not OK, but I don't care, I don't want to ever see dat guy again. BTW my son bears my surname.

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    5. It's very obvious the guy is either gay or he is in love with someone his mum doesn't approve off.

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    6. Anon 15:58! You just rocked my world!!!

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    7. You just said my mind. (My mama say I must marry from my hometown.)

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  3. Wow! This is an interesting read. I actually thought it was a novel. Cos of all d different travelling back and forth from one city to d other.
    Poster am happy at the end it all turned out right for you. Thank God you found someone to treat you right

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    Replies
    1. Oyibo don put gay for una mouth,everybody n.a. gay now idiots

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    2. I'm igbo .most our men are gay and wife beater!i rather go for yoruba demon again yes and again✋

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    3. I'm igbo .most our men are gay and wife beater!i rather go for yoruba demon again yes and again✋

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    4. The most important lesson poster did not say. Never marry someone you don't know. After a few weeks you did trad? What nons3nse is that.

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  4. This poster has sent WNB last year to Stella. The last paragraph made me remember coz you said it in your chronicle. Am happy for you dearπŸ‘πŸ‘

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    Replies
    1. Did you read well at all? Which colour of WNB

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    2. She sent WNB of her new hubby not her ex, i might be wrong.

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  5. I say it's not about tribe but individuality

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    Replies
    1. Hmmmm..... Am still not convinced.

      Okaybye

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    2. Tribe matters abet,yoruba no be am.

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  6. Replies
    1. Learnt a lot from this. Thank God you're happily remarried. Like the poster said; that someone is from a good home doesn't mean they'll make a good marriage partner.

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  7. thank God for you.. he truly fits the description of a gay....

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    1. Exotic half caste22 January 2017 at 06:13

      I do not think he is gay
      A lot of times, arranged marriages do not work out especially if the man has someone he loves but his family will not let him marry her because she is not from their tribe or village

      Poster, i am happy you eventually found true happiness and love and i wish you the best

      Your story is like a couple I know...

      Arrangee marriage
      The girl is from his village
      In fact they both have the same Umunna
      The guy did not love her but went through with it
      Married for 8 years now
      Lived together for 1 year
      Apart for 7 years
      He just cannot stand living with her
      They are both living married bachelor and married spinster lifestyle
      Will not divorce her because of family

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  8. So true.
    Some Yoruba demons rock!
    Mine rocks big time!
    Not all of them are fetish, womanisers, lazy and all. Mine is none of that. We are like friends, calling each other sweet names and nothing like that Yoruba kind of respect 'kileso sir, daddy wa, setigbo' we relate like friends. He respects me so his family members dare not misbehave near me even though I'm from another tribe entirely.
    My handsome, fresh, caring and loving Yoruba demon. Kikikiki

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    Replies
    1. Keep hyping yourself. O ma to te. His family members dare what? You better respect your inlaws. The day you have problems with your husband and you need them is when they will humble you. They are only waiting for your day of humiliation.

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    2. I concur. Mine is cool like that. Good bless u darlyn. Poster thank God u didn't have a baby 4 him. He doesn't deserve to be a father.

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    3. Anonymous up there can't you just be happy for ppl. haba why?
      Anyway, I was lucky I escaped giving future chronicles as I got to know the kind of person the man is. Dt not withstanding I will still date/ marry a yoruba man if I meet the right person.

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    4. Anon up there is right. Yoruba are very much into respect. Even your husband. O ma to te exactly lol

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    5. Anon 15::10
      I would have said i wish you what you wrote up there but i am sure you actually passed through or about to pass throiugh what you wish ur Generations up there. Why dont you just tap into my marriage and see your miserable life turn around. Let me add this, for almost a decade that we ve been married no family member has settled our quarrel before, we settle by ourselves. Did i add that mi MIL takes me like her daughter? Now go and wash your cursed head in a flowing river and come back to tap into my blessings. Unamikot.

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    6. Faithful woman or whatevet you call yourself. Yiu should b very happy u married a man from a respectable family...you said his family dare not? How dare you? Who r you? You must live in a island of madness. You r the one happy to see someone from our tribe to marry u..when all ur tribe men left your sagging vj and left u in sorrow. You cant find ur tribe man to marry you and u want to vex for ur yoruba in law. Chestbeating motherfuckers better b humble or they will humble ur fucking fake ego. Look at her she feeling funky. Our yoruba men r the best even we yoruba women cant be with ur men or other tribe for that matter they r low to us except benin.

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    7. S3 bad belle people. E dey pepper dem say dia marriage.no sweet. Anonymous wetin dey bite you? Faithful women abeg give.me five jor. Na so my.marriage dey sweet dey go. Praiiiise d lord. Ah ahnn
      It's not everybody dey are beating at home it's not everybody they mistreating. Some are happily.married and fir that we must be happy.and give glory to God
      And encourage other young girls to equally look well.and find a.good person.

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    8. Lemme just perch here small, hehehehe. I am married to my loving, caring Igbo hunk and I am Yoruba. So it isn't s tribe thing, it's an individual thing (good or bad husbands). The type of family the men come from also matters a lot although as the poster said, you could come from a good family but be the opposite. My inlaws respect me and rate me high because of the way my husband treats me and presents me to them both in my presence and absence. And my mother in law has taken me as the daughter she never had. I don't disrespect them either, we're like one big family. If I'm correct, anon is not happy with the way Faithful Woman reffered to her inlaws by saying "his family members dare not misbehave near me". I think you were just trying to express how much you mean to your hubby but it could also come across as if you're belittling your inlaws. It could have been stated differently. As close as you say you are, I don't think they would be happy to hear you refer to them that way, not even your hubby would like that. My inlaws wouldn't do the same to me either but I would express it differently. We're all so close and free with one another. My mother in law keeps calling me "Iyawo Igbo/Ibo" and hailing me whenever I dress in the trad attire. We keep cracking up together with laughter because you would expect my friends to be hailing my that way and not my Igbo mother in law. Lols! .......... Just Me

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  9. For lack of something to read, I found my way into this post..
    The marriage was doomed from the word go.
    At last, I'm mighty glad you found love in the arms of another..






    Dum Vita est spes est.

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  10. Awwww. So happy she eventually met someone better.

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  11. Mr thoughts exactly Stellz

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  12. Aww! I'm happy you finally found love

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  13. #When it's Over, LEAVE. Don't continue watering a dead flower*

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    Replies
    1. Frankool, sometimes your says will just tally with everything like this chronicle of today. No use watering dead flowers.

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  14. When matchmaking goes wrong! igbos shud learn biko...

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  15. Nawa o,thank God you scaled through

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  16. Thank God,your story ended in praise

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  17. Wowwww. So happy you found love again.

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  18. Waoooo, thank God you finally found the one you deserve, may God bless your home

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  19. This story reminded me of match making

    he was introduced by a mutual familyfriend(elderly grandma).he was in his Forties works in a good place. Instead of him to say he was not insterested from day 1,he said nothing. He never calls, forms busy all d time.fixes appointment but disappoints, until I got tired and sent his a message,which he used against me.(lawyer sense). I just thank God he nvr gave it a chance cos I would have been been frustrated. Could he be gay?cos last I checked he is still single.

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    Replies
    1. Could be gay but again he could just be one of those boys that will never grow up. Yes, the idea of being married makes some mature looking men shit their pants! It's a disorder that's not recognised or even being treated because men who suffer from it like to pretend they are just the ladies men / players and all kinds of name to hide their disorder. Many of them end up sad pathetic men.

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    2. Gay as a nail!

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  20. Wow, so much lessons from your story
    I'm glad you are in a better place

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  21. Was it just me who saw "RAMOTU" in that write-up? LMAO.
    I am glad you are happy now @poster. No woman deserves to be unhappy in the name of marriage. If it's not working out, move in.

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  22. You are a strong woman.
    May God bless your home

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  23. Well constructed, well read and lesson learnt.

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  24. Well constructed, well read and lesson learnt.

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  25. I am just happy you met and married someone better.



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  26. Poster, i thank God for whom you are today.

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  27. Thank God you moved on and God gave you a better man

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  28. So many married men are gay, I know that for a fact....tho i'm not married, i'm not into girls either, I PREFER GUYS..

    Advice Number 1: If you know you're gay, don't bother getting married for society, and suffer your wife...It's NOT worth it.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you for being honest. Does your family know of your orientation and how do you intend to paddle your way out when the pressure to get married comes? You do know at a certain age, society expects somethings to happen, one of which is get married and start making babies even if you're as broke as shit.

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    2. Maybe two lesbian will marry two gay guys and they will just live in a shared apartment or house. But how can you justify bringing children into that. They will be so confused

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  29. Wow dis really touched me,not all dat glitters is gold ooo,#not everyone who makes u laff can make u happy..word# it sank really deep in my head

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    Replies
    1. Saving all her advice. Throwing away the story.

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    2. It is really deep. I've never thought of that before.

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  30. You write so well. May God bless your marriage.

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  31. Poster why were you and your parents so desperate at age 26.
    I won't even have stayed put for half of this shit. It's so obvious the guy is gay and the parents are also aware, hence them looking for wife for him.
    Thank God he didn't even consummate the marriage and make you a baby mama.
    And pls I hate that word Yoruba demon, whether joke or not. Demon is not a term to be used for anyone. Much less your husband.

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    Replies
    1. And you missed the part he calls her Igbo witch

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  32. What?!! Hehehe. You mean at 26 you already had this experience? God of mercy. You deserve a second chance honestly. I'm sure be had that extreme Oyibo mentality. He and his sisters.

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  33. Stella please don't stop this section of the blog. It's a good initiative.

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  34. I'm cewiusly blurshing @ Yoruba demon, when you get a good one, life becoms 2 awesome.

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  35. Thank God for your life dear poster, the mistake you both made was not taking the time to get to know each other,you assumed he was good enough because your dad knew his mum.everything seemed rushed. May God continue to bless your home, i learnt alot from your write up.

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    Replies
    1. Yes you are right. No matter how good it seems at first, never rush. Take your time and be very careful so you don't get pregnant while you are still getting to know each other. That can finally throw everything off balance.

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  36. Wow thank God u are happily married Igbo witch lol

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  37. Eeeya. This story hurt me.
    Thank God u are in a happy place now.

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    Replies
    1. Yes....thank God you are in a better place.

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  38. Lesson 9 struck a cord within me; A person who makes you laugh may not necessarily make you happy. So true!!!!!!!
    Laughter does not mean happiness.

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  39. I don't want to abort my child, please help.

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    Replies
    1. If you don't want to, then don't! I hope you have enough support to get you by. A child needs at least one stable parent to provide and nurture him/her. Be strong, you will get by and won't regret it. Whatever the situation that has gotten you into this position, you need to focus on the positive side of things and don't worry about what society will say. It's your life as long as you are not ruining anyone else's. May God be with you.

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  40. "The person who makes you laugh may not necessarily make you happy" Hmmmm. Hard to distinguish but thanks for sharing .

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    Replies
    1. Anytime he calls, he cracks jokes and makes me laugh so hard but he makes me unhappy by being stingy, womanizes and expect me to buy him ticket from London to Nigeria. He has never wished me a happy birthday and we have been together for over 10yrs. He doesn't buy me anything and he once said he'll like to sleep with my younger sister.I have stopped loving him and praying to God to give me my own.

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    2. Anon you are dating yourself

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  41. From start to finish, i knew you were talking about a brother on the down low. Your ex husband would frustrate any women he come across, because he is gay. That reminds me of a friend who is married with kids and likes to deprive his wife of sex, pretexting that he is not too much into sex. My friend is having extra marital affair with men he introduced to his wife as his mates.

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  42. Good story. Don't sit and die in an unhappy marriage . though I am not married but wish to be married once. Oluwa bless this Urhobo babe with correct guy na. Where are the matured brosies ,come o I dey wait

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  43. What a story 😡...
    Thank God you had the courage to move on.πŸ‘

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  44. Wow, thank God for you. God bless your new home. I'm planning on getting a divorce. Can you please link me up with a lawyer?

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  45. The first thing I thought too, he seems gay but if you say you saw a gift from his ex gf then he probably still loves her

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  46. So when ibo guys no find an ibo girl attractive or wan marry am u selfish ibo girls call am gay? Ashewo

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    Replies
    1. They call him gay because straight guys don't usually marry a girl they are not attracted to, and if they do, they don't start pretending and starving her of sex. Anyway, na the fault of the stupid Nigerian law that makes being gay a crime. Now all the gay gays are hiding it by marrying innocent, unsuspecting beautiful young ladies especially through family influence. God will help our single ladies sha. May we not make the wrong choice in our spouses. Amen!!

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  47. OP, what eventually happened to Ramotu?

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  48. Igbos are more prone to have this sort of story. They are very tribalistic when it comes to marriage. Even among themselves they have villages they dont marry from. Some will tell you he must be Catholic and from my place. At the end of the day the marriage doesn't work. Tribe or religious affiliation alone cannot make a marriage work. Women please be wise and marry only that per so that can make you happy

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    Replies
    1. Yoruba's are more tribalistic

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  49. diamond in d house22 January 2017 at 07:52

    Where r all those ma fellow beevees dat kw how 2 condemn someone dat divorced n remarried, calling her an adulteress. All of una don turn 2 God bless ur new home singers. Nonsense. As if na una, una go stay. #kamnukwa#

    ReplyDelete

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