WORRIED WOMAN
Dear Stella
I don’t have a child of my own after years of marriage, I have a little girl I took in to assist me in house chores and be my companion, this girl is everything to me Stella.
I took her in from the age of 6 years, at first the mother wanted me to pay her monthly, but the girl pleaded with me that she wants to go to school and be educated. I listened to her and this made the mother angry, the mother practically dumped her with me for years without looking back.
I enrolled her in school from primary school and next year she will finish her secondary education by the grace of God. She is brilliant, lively and fun to be with, Stella this girl made me often forget I am still TTC.
She brings out the playful part of me, even though I sometimes remember she is not my biological child.
My husband initially didn’t want her o, oh he frustrated the girl and I, I had to be adamant about her stay with us and I thank God I did because just last year , my Husband impregnated another woman who gave him a male child.
I have gone through all kinds of fertility treatment believing God that I will bear a child but to no avail,the girl is my only consolation when medical tests results come out negative and my husbands betrayal.
When this girl was in SS1, my husband finally accepted her as part of family and started paying for her education till date but the biological mother has never called me,not sure the mother has my phone number, don’t know where I stay and completely forgot about the girl.
The reason I am seeking for advise is the kind of mind set this girl has towards her mother, reason being that I preach forgiveness to her concerning her mother, she has refused to forgive her mummy and will be crying that she does not want to have anything to do with her that I am her only mother, she has adopted my name in all her identities, my surname and even my state of origin, I am from Edo state but married to an Osun man but my daughter tells anyone she is from Edo state, I HAVE CORRECTED her severally , she simply refuses to listen to me on this....
She is from Benue State and l am the only family she knows. How do I make her acknowledge that someday her biological mother will surface and want to apologize and reconcile with her, I even told her I will not walk the altar with her on her wedding day, this girl cried bitterly saying I don’t want her to get married, When she is like this I also cry with her cos I don’t know her mother pain but again, my girl is entitled to her feelings.
Secondly by next year , she will be in higher institution , she has never stayed away from me before, I am scared how to cope, she is my friend, playmate, my joy, my dance and I know she will have to go away from home but how do I cope?
When my home was at the verge of breaking up, she was the only person, who wiped away my tears, we both cry together, sing together, and she taught me all the dance I currently know.
How do I survive being alone without thinking? please mothers in the house, advise me, sometimes when I think about her leaving the home, I get scared and wonder if everything will be alright.l love her like she is my child and wish she is my child but I have accepted that life sometimes throw people our way for a reason but what happens after ward get me scared, please mothers how do I cope and move on, knowing this phase is not forever.
First off....You have no right allowing that girl bear your name legally, you did the process of the name change so why make it look like she forced it on herself? it is wrong and you should revert back to her family for her own sake.
Secondly by next year , she will be in higher institution , she has never stayed away from me before, I am scared how to cope, she is my friend, playmate, my joy, my dance and I know she will have to go away from home but how do I cope?
When my home was at the verge of breaking up, she was the only person, who wiped away my tears, we both cry together, sing together, and she taught me all the dance I currently know.
How do I survive being alone without thinking? please mothers in the house, advise me, sometimes when I think about her leaving the home, I get scared and wonder if everything will be alright.l love her like she is my child and wish she is my child but I have accepted that life sometimes throw people our way for a reason but what happens after ward get me scared, please mothers how do I cope and move on, knowing this phase is not forever.
First off....You have no right allowing that girl bear your name legally, you did the process of the name change so why make it look like she forced it on herself? it is wrong and you should revert back to her family for her own sake.
Be sure that the mum will be back for her one day and she will forgive her, its nothing to do with you but blood is thicker than water.....When she is old enough, no matter what the mum has done she will seek her out.
.
As for her going away to school she will be fine, dont you worry!
Something struck me....You said that you doubt the mum has your phone number or knows where you stay....So how did you get this young woman? where did you see her? has it occurred to you that the mum might be looking for you? Did you 'disappear' deliberately?
I don't understand
ReplyDeleteMy dear, I understand it is not easy for you and deep down, you want her for yourself, my advice below for you,
Delete1. Adopt another child before she leaves
2, Help find her mother and reconcile them, she may disagree, so do it quietly and let her
mother coming be a surprise to her.
3. Leave your Arms, heart and home still open to her, if she chooses to return during
holidays, or continues to consider you as her mother. A fruit doesn't fall far from the tree,
she has the same stubborn character with her mother but help them to reconcile.
4. See if you can harvest your eggs and try surrogate, if not accept your faith and give your love to the children around you, it is not the end of life
I truly understand your fears, especially because of the bond you share with your “adopted” daughter. You have been everything to her, and she has equally been everything to you. It’s a good thing that you made her understand her mother will eventually come for her, and surely, she will, perhaps when she feels the time is right, maybe after her higher institution.
ReplyDeleteBut let me ask: if her mother is not present when she is getting married, won’t you be the one to walk her down the aisle? For now, I’ll advise you to keep things calm and not discuss such matters with her too deeply.
My prayer for you is that God will grant you healing and bless you with your own children soon. With God, nothing is impossible. Keep praying, keep believing.
my advice to you is to enjoy your adopted daughter while it last. she might end up becoming the only child you will ever have in life. she has taken you as her mother, it's not your fault. na God do am. if she eventually wants her biological mother, she knows where to find her. she is the angel that have come to wipe your tears
ReplyDeleteSimple. Changing her name doesn't mean she has forgotten. If she's ready to find her root,she will. Enjoy your time with her and don't forget that she will not be by your side forever either by youth service or marriage. Live each day as it comes. Im also a woman and can't have kids so I know your pain.
DeletePoster,it's well with you. Please look for the girl's mother and do the right thing. 🙏🏿🙏🏿🙏🏿
ReplyDeleteIs it the same chronicle I read you read? The girls mom abandoned her not that the girl got forcefully taken away. It is the girls mom who needs to come and do the right thing.
DeleteStella , be calming down, worried mother didn't say the girl mother will not surface in future in fact she has program her mind by preaching forgiveness, have you ask if the girl has any identity of her before , Worried woman is only after her mental health, she no kill anybody,try and be kind in your choice of words.
ReplyDeleteStella had asked some sailent questions @poster, please try to honestly answer them.
ReplyDeleteDear Poster,
ReplyDeleteI truly admire your heart and the way you have loved this girl as your own. It shows the depth of your kindness and strength, especially given the challenges you have faced. At the same time, I also understand Stella’s concerns. There are some important things to consider carefully......
From a legal perspective, the relationship could be misunderstood without formal arrangements, and in extreme cases, seen as child trafficking or kidnapping....To protect both yourself and the child, I strongly suggest you trace her parents or relatives in Benue.... If you can’t go yourself, you can send someone you trust, and most importantly, keep your lawyer informed so that everything is done properly.....
About her taking on your surname: I would advise against making that official for now....While it shows her love for you, she may one day wish to reconnect with her biological mother, and that could cause her confusion or pain if things are not handled wisely..... I commend you for never encouraging her to speak badly of her mother, and for showing her so much love. That alone is shaping her positively.....
It is also important to guard your own heart....She has become your emotional support, and that is natural, but if you place too much of your happiness on her, it could lead to heartbreak later when she eventually has to make her own way in life..... Adoption could be a healthy option to explore, so that your bond is legally recognized without changing the love you already share....
Finally, please also think about yourself....You have carried heavy burdens; infertility struggles, betrayal, and the fear of loneliness yet you have been so strong....To cope better when she goes off to university, it may help to slowly build other sources of joy and support: friendships, hobbies e.t.c This way, your world does not collapse when she is physically away from you.
You are clearly a mother in every sense of the word, and your love for her shines through...... Whatever happens, you have already given her a gift that will stay with her forever......
All the best as you make your decisions.....
P.S You can adopt another child as well
DeleteI feel her mum will come back someday. That she angrily left doesn't mean she has forgotten about her baby. If you're no longer staying in the neighbourhood where you guys had initially met, it's possible she may be looking for you.
ReplyDeleteI pray that God will answer all your prayers.
poster you need to take her to see her mother even if the mother rejects her. Just make sure you play your part by taking her to see her mother or calling the mother to speak to her girl. Don't be too sure of her mother's present condition till you are sure. Someday she will forgive her mother and still respect you as her mother too.
ReplyDeleteGod will open your womb and give you children very soon.
Please Ma, Why not try and adopt another child that you can focus on before this girl heads out to University. Don't put your eggs in one basket.
ReplyDeleteOP, please she is ur daughter, you raised her, believe me, even if her mother shows up later in life, she would forgive her but will never have that kind of bond with her, you the mom she knows, so please stop telling her how to feel about her parents, she would become an adult and would eventually figure out who dumped her and stood and nurtured her.
ReplyDeleteAs for higher institution, must she stay away from home? I studied law in the university, and for the duration of 5yrs i spent in school, i have never stayed one day away from home, i was a day student, my sister is a medical doctor, in our house, we go to school from home, it wasn’t even negotiable that you would bring up staying in the hostel. Discuss with her, and if you can afford it, she should be going from home, but i must warn you, eventually, she’d still leave home, either for NYSC, work or marriage. Take it easy on urself, and pray about it. You can always adopt other kids, there are millions of kids that need a home, please if you can, get another one, among the ones you train, you don’t know the one that would look back and care for you and if you are lucky, all of them will turn out well and stand for you, you would forget you never had a child of ur own, for they will be ur children. I wish you the very best in all that you do.
Why don’t you go to a family lawyer and seek to formalize an adoption or at the least a legal guardianship. You seem educated but this situation is too haphazard. There are legal avenues that you can take to formalize this arrangement. She will legally be an adult soon, so do not leave things to chance, especially since your husband has a second family. Only God knows why she entered your life and you had the opportunity to experience the fullness of motherhood.
ReplyDeleteThere is nothing wrong with this young woman having two mothers. She doesn’t have to choose one and deny the other. So explain that to her. When you are going through the formalization process please contact her birth mother, do not do anything illegal or underhanded, lay everything out so there is full disclosure and her birth mother is not kept in the dark. Demand that she is respectful and kind to her mother when she is present at all times.
The way your life is going you and her may become pregnant at the same time. Be prepared for anything.
Dear poster why are you overthinking things? Even if she were your biological child, won't she go to school? Just get yourself busy with your hobbies or how would you cope if she gets married? Also as regards her mum, just keep talking to her and pray for her too, I'm sure when the time is right, she will forgive her mum and she really doesn't need to choose between you and her biological mum. Her mum was influenced by poverty. See, everything will align, just stop giving yourself unnecessary headache.
ReplyDeleteShay.
Has your husband done DNA? What if the boy is not his and he's the one with the problem? Pls go and look for a young guy and knack him well .I promise you'll get pregnant. Wish you luck
ReplyDeleteLoL... From what I read I was meant to believe that she was abandoned by her mom because she refused to remit some money to her monthly, did I miss something?
ReplyDeleteHugs 🫂 Poster.
ReplyDeleteWhat if the biological mother is not even alive?
ReplyDeleteStella
ReplyDeleteLet’s think like this,the child could’ve started writing her surname on her book and written commone entrance and junior waec with her name, bnot like she did legal papers
Let’s cut her some slack
Poster you may be pregnant before she is about to leave
Sometimes that’s how God chooses to comfort people
Be open minded
Keep praying
Start asking God to fill in that space for you
Your daughter may go to university in your state and visit you regularly
You never know
Your husband impregnating someone doesn’t mean you are the one with the issues
That’s one thing satan does he will bring accusations left right center
Don’t be depressed at all
Depend on God as you have done
He writes better scripts
Please,adopt another child,she's not legally yours and can leave at anytime.
ReplyDeleteSpeak to a lawyer about your concerns. As for her going to school, you will be fine.
ReplyDeleteWarm hugs.
Dont change her identity to her family please she will be 18 yrs and can choice whosoever she wanted and it is not true that she will look for her biological mother later not everybody is ungreatful pls as for school no problem please adopt another child and she will be coming on holidays so it is just for some months in the year which is common to every parent ,all my children are in higher school only in December they are around
ReplyDeleteDear Poster,
ReplyDeleteI can't even begin to imagine how you feel about not having biological kids, then your husband's betrayal. E-hugs to you!
You sound well to do, have you ever thought of having biological kids via a surrogate?
Also, since you are open to adoption, why not adopt an orphanage kid or two via the proper channels, that will be yours legally?
I know you love her, but her mother never signed away her rights as her parent. I'm sure she has a father, plus extended family.
In future, which is soon, they will appear in her life.
There is nothing wrong with loving this child and having more kids to share your love with via the channels I stated above.
I wish you nothing but the best.
Hello poster I was in your shoes for years I was TTC ing for 7years me and my ex husband ran so many test they kept telling us nothing was wrong with the both of us.my ex husband left me alone in the house and served me divorce he impregnated another woman im married to another man and I have given birth to my own children I have 3kids now.so sometimes you both aren’t meant to have children together ,I’m not saying you should leave your husband or cheat on him .i pray that God bless your womb and concerning that girl make sure you look for her mother I’m very sure the mom is looking for you both
ReplyDeleteI don’t think mama went to court to change the child’s name
ReplyDeleteThe child is just writing in things and this is Nigeria so we’re going with the flow
There’s probably official name somewhere
We pretty much changed my middle name when I entered secondary. No court nothing. And that’s now my middle name on all documents
Mama this they always come back is not always true. Pls enjoy your child and stop reminding her of someone that has forgotten her. If biological mother comes back tomorrow, deal with it then
But for now, pls accept this one in all ways and leave the past and future where they are. You have no control over both
If you like, you can adopt another legally or even try to adopt this one legally. But I know you’re too scared to do that
You can still keep on with ivf
Also your child doesn’t have to stay on campus
You can get a close university and she can go from home till you’re both ready