DOGS Corner

From time to time, one reads or even witnesses instances or situationships where a lady or a young man dates for years and there is no head way in the relationship. 

It is even more heartbreaking when after being with someone for a long time, from the blues, your partner tells you or indicates that making full commitment to you in marriage was never their intent. Of course there are couples who date just for companionship and have no interest in being married. Nothing wrong with that since it is something they’ve agreed on.

I can’t help but wonder though. What keeps people, ladies particularly in relationships where the man has shown no serious sign of commitment? Why spend years in such a relationship? 

There is this lady I know (a relative actually) who met a US based man in 2013 and from the looks of it then, he was serious about marrying her or so she told me. He even came to Nigeria and visited her and her people. I was excited for her and looked forward to a wedding invitation.

I got married 6 years later and she attended my wedding. Considering how close we were, I asked her what’s happening between her and her man. Were they still dating? She replied in the affirmative but signaled she didn’t want to dwell on it further and I let it slide. But I could see she was becoming apprehensive and disappointed about the whole thing.

I met her coincidentally this week and this time, she brought up the topic of her supposed engagement herself. Apparently, this year makes it 13 years of her dating and waiting for this US based guy. I listened intently as she lamented bitterly. From everything she was saying, I came to the conclusion that she left a greater part of her brain in her mother’s womb. Dis aunty na big mumu.

First shocking thing I heard was that this supposed ‘man’ of hers was in his 60’s, a two-time divorcee, had a couple of kids with different concubines and was very misogynist to boot. If red flag was a person, he was a walking physical representation of it. This man, from the US, stalks and monitors everything she does. He monitors her social media pages and actively keeps note of the comments any man makes on this lady’s facebook posts. 

He even calls her to ask who certain commenters on her posts are to her. That’s not even the most shocking part. He pays people to keep watch on this lady. I found that too hard to believe until she dropped a shocker on me. When he came to Nigeria and visited her in her compound, he got to know that some flats in the compound were still unoccupied. A few weeks later, he paid someone to move into one of the flats. All this to keep an eye on the lady. 

Her going out and coming in was all being monitored and relayed to him. It was when she had an altercation with another neighbor that she mockingly told her. She didn’t believe it until the young man who was sent to spy on her, admitted it.

You’d think this would be a breaker right? You’d be wrong. She still remained in the ‘relationship.’ The excuse the man is giving is that she has refused to accept the conditions he has given her for marriage. Even the devil himself wouldn’t think of such. The conditions were that she will never work if and when they marry, she will never own and operate a bank account, she will never send a penny to members of her family without his say so and she must be dutiful and respectful as a wife. 66 year old man o!

 It even gets worse, he is impotent and can no longer get a woman pregnant. This he admitted by himself.

Wetin I wan talk when I hear dis kind thing? How woman go allow herself enter prison like dis? He wasted her time all these years and is now giving her conditions? But seriously, should the man be blamed? I’m sure over the years he had shown her signs of his unwillingness to commit. She convinced herself of a relationship that wasn’t there. She was dating herself as far as I was concerned.

I strongly believe that no one has any business dating if the immediate intention is not settling down. By 6 months a lady should already be seeing tangible signs of commitment from her man. If we want to be generous, 12 months should be way ideal. I do know though that a lot of factors do come into play in a man’s marital readiness. But if he is not ready, what is he dating for? 

It is cruel to keep a woman for long and then disappoint her. If she isn’t meeting your criteria, cut her loose and stop stringing her along. A lady should equally be able to spot the signs of an unserious man and walk away. It is her time after all and she should not permit anyone to waste it. 

This works on the assumption that both the man and the woman are ready and fit for marriage. If you aren’t ready, then why are you dating? You are only giving permission for your time to be wasted and you should certainly deserve more than that.....

WHAT DID I JUST READ?????