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Hello Stella, Great work you are doing, God bless you abundantly. I need advice on my life issues.

I was raped when I was 15 ( lost my virginity) ,I got pregnant without knowing for 5months in which my parents took me for an abortion. I was doing well in school before then, I finished my secondary school and I was a shadow of myself,it led to me having alow self esteem issue since then. 

I started having tummy pains, discharge when I got into the university, I couldn't tell anyone except my boyfriend who knew about it.( I had a boyfriend in my 2nd year in school) He stood by me during those period, he paid for my hospital checkups and all. He is 15 yrs older than me but he lied that it was 10yrs. I told him about the abortion and the rape. He knew everything about me, he was working in a good company in which he earns over 150k as at then,just knew all these now (he earns close to 250k now although he doesn't know I know). 

I didn't notice some of his behaviour then, he talks down on me, denying me in front of people and making me understand that his family knows me and that's all that matters, he cheats and flaunts in my face. I thought it was a normal thing because my dad always talks down on my mum and also disrespect her even though she is the one taking most of the responsibility in the house. He made me understand that he chose me ahead of other girls but I should know that girls are always around him and it was only flirting.

 People I spoke too, that were close to me about the issue told me that he is going to change that the devil I know is better than the angel I know. He introduce me to people as his sister, we don't go out together to catch fun. I was naive and stupid, the low self esteem had eaten deep into me that i just feel nobody will accept me and maybe I wouldn't get someone better than him due to my past that I told him about, because he made me understand that nobody can be with me hearing I was raped, aborted and also dealing with residuals from the abortions for 3yrs( discharge 3yrs and bones coming out of my virginal after the 3yrs)-  WHAAAAAAT????

 He was the only one that knew about it and my close friend.

I go to his house every weekend from school to wash his cloth, cook and tidy up his house, he was living in a face me and slap you that was dirty, I wasn't used to that kind of environment but I endured it because I felt I don't want to be seen as someone that can't suffer with a man. He wanted me in his life because I was young and foolish, I am the kind he can control and dictate to..... 

 I practically live my life for him and what people will say. He dated one of his neighbours, a young girl like me, different girls from his work place, he changes them when he feels like and also spend money on them and takes them out, sponsor their school and training skills. He goes out of his way for them but he never does for me. I felt I should be grateful for him sticking by me through my trying times by staying with him, people told me, even if he goes to London to cheat, its me he will end up with. 

I was more than desperate, the reason I was that desperate I couldn't figure out, maybe because nobody loved me and I don't have friends and my self esteem was on zero and I just want to be accepted by people, I couldn't imagine leaving him to be alone. 

He travelled out for a training along the line and he met a white woman, they started dating and when he came back, she was on his wallpaper, I didn't even know, was thinking maybe its all this actress or singer he used as the wallpaper of his gadgets until I found out later , he loads about 4000# per day to call this woman and whenever he is doing the calling he sends me on errand. Then it continued like that for a long time, we stopped communicating, he doesn't call ,I do the calling most times, I was drained and my life was on a spot, I realised there is no future for me with this man who uses every opportunity to insult me.

 A close friend of mine that we were crushing on each other in secondary school started disturbing me for a relationship after I told him what I was passing through. He started giving me audience, the communication was smooth and I could relate with him like age mate ,I started seeing what love suppose to be, then we had s§x once. That was the beginning of another episode of problems in my life.

From no where my boyfriend started calling disturbing me and begging and threatening me at the same time and all, I knew I couldn't go back cos I cheated already coupled with the other past he knew. But I was stupid, when the threatening was much I went back and he found out about the other guy and that we had s§x. He gave me a slap that night and I started bleeding from my nose, I think I passed out sef.

 He sprinkled water on me and started asking me series of question ,how many times the s§x was, was he better than his own and all sort of question. I cried that day blaming myself for cheating on him, I wasn't even pitying myself for going back. Then the blackmailing started, anything I do is always referred back to my cheating and my past.

I graduated from school ,I was working while in school too, he knew and always find a way of collecting the money from me, he said he was saving it for when I graduate to start a business. Unfortunately for me I got pregnant, that was the worst day of my life, I told him, he was very happy but I was sad, I knew something wasn't right, my strict parents,my life and my relationship with him wasn't smooth, it was the same circle from the beginning, I knew I was done for. But abortion was the last thing on my mind because I was sacred from the first experience and haunting. 

Before I found out I was pregnant, a family member of his was chatting with me on bbm and you know how people use funny names on bbm, unknowingly to him, he thought I was chatting with another guy, the beating I received that day left me in the room for 4days with swollen face, I couldn't even see for the first two days. He was even telling me he will call my sister to tell her he just finished beating me because I disobeyed him. I wished he had called my sister then, maybe my life won't be like this. A week after the beating I found out about the pregnancy, he started apologising to me and told me it won't repeat itself anymore, he has never been sober like that, although since then he hasn't beaten me till now but the emotional torture and verbal abuse is on another level.

He started acting nice and taking me out, spending time with me and telling whoever cares to know that he was having a baby. I couldn't tell my parent till I gave birth, I told him about marriage plan and he said we will do it when I give birth that he doesn't want to stress me so the baby won't be miscarried. 

He gave one of his friend's wife money to buy baby things and what she Bought was useless till today, I had to buy all the baby things with my money and I forgot to say he stopped me from working. I later gave birth during my service, He then rented a duplex, we didn't do naming ceremony for our baby, no dedication in church, The reason why he rented a duplex, he said because he wants our baby to have space to play and catch fun. He told me that he has paid for the whole thing we are going to use in the new rented house and we should leave some of the things in the face me I face you that he already paid for new things. Then we moved in to the new house with his mom who came for omugwo, the house was empty with nothing inside, we expected that the things he paid for will move in within a month or so but I never saw anything like that.

 He didn't move in with us, he comes once in a while to check us up, I was the one feeding his mom, clothing her and washing her cloth, I didn't experience birthing and resting ,I was practically doing everything ,the only thing the mum does is to bathe and carry the baby and I was deeply grateful for that, my parents later was told I gave birth and they were disappointed because my mum was a deaconess in church and my dad was a mentor to many people . 

My dad was more than disappointed, he hated me with so much passion for disgracing him, I was his favourite before the rape incidents. But they both later came around after series of begging Here and there. Our baby was named by him, he didn't allow me name the baby, he said the name i wanted to give was too local and that was the name I love for my child. The insult started coming in bit by bit with the disrespect, I just didn't want to end up a single mom, so I was enduring. I bought whatever the mom needs and gives her pocket money too out of my allawee, I didn't know she was thinking it was her sons money .

His family believes he is a rich man that hands over his money to me, they think I am in control of his money but truth be told I have never benefited from him. He doesn't give me a kobo, since I had our child, I have been the one buying clothes,shoes and other miscellaneous, he buys imported food that are way too expensive than the money he has. Whenever I try advising him about his life and spending, he makes me understand I am too small to advice him.

He earns good money but we don't plan, he spends it as its comes and his family , girlfriends and outsiders who needs help. By the first week of the month, he is broke again, borrowing money up and down. He buys things on credit that they came to knock our gate one day but that was only once though. He doesn't have any savings at all, no car,no property. Nothing to fall back on above all he flirts like no tomorrow and put the blames on me. I learnt numerous handwork, he talked me down that responsible women I see are always career people who works in offices, he breaks and put me down ,most of the hand work ,I have forgotten them because no money to start business and I can't even work because of our child.

I must pick the child from school, I can't go out and also not allowed to go far. we have been disgraced from school several times because he didn't pay the school fees. He always believes that money is meant for spending, but he doesn't spend on me, I guess I am exempted from the belief.

The duplex we are saying has been leaking since we packed in, I pack water whenever it rains, the kitchen zinc is faulty, I always carry the water to pour inside gutter in the compound. He has never thought of fixing them, most times no food at home and he is not ready to move out of the duplex, he likes telling people he lives in a duplex but he doesn't allow them come to greet him. Nobody comes to greet us, I don't have one single friend, I am always alone, nobody to talk. 

I moved out two years ago to my parents place but my dad ordered me to gp back that I don't have any business in his house, that staying with him brings more disgrace and embarrassment, I made him understand that I am not married to this guy and I wasn't suppose to be living with him. He slapped me and told me since I got pregnant for him and he is educated, I have to bear my cross and endure that he is going to change with time that I can't be jumping from one man to another after having a child that who do I expect to marry me after i had a child with someone else...

 I cried for days because I didn't know my dad could say all that to me, that's the only people I think genuinely loved me, my mum opposed his action and they started quarrelling with each other ,he told my mom that if she ends up misleading me or violating his rules, that she should be ready for whatever consequences she sees. My mom called me and told me what she has been passing through from my dad and I realised I am passing through same thing. 

My dad and baby daddy has same character, the spending lavishly, boasting, disrespecting , insult and all. I cried again because I felt pity for my mom, the only saving grace for her is that she is working, I wish I can take her out of that place, they have never been separated before, I just want my dad to feel the absence of my mum and he should know he can't stand without my mum because she bought almost everything in the house they stay, my dad spends his money for outsiders and family member , same with my baby daddy too. Although he pays school fees only but all other thing we needs were done by my mum. She told me she doesn't want me to end up like her.

I had to move back to my babydaddys house and its been close to two years I moved back, its getting worst, I don't have a life I am living ,i am just like a walking corpse that just have privilege to breath. Nothing has been moving for me, I am stagnant and frustrated, depression set in and I started thinking of suicide, I want to move out without anybodys consent, but I don't have the capacity. I am just stock here without any future. He said I am very stubborn and I don't tell him before I do things, I am submissive despite everything he did to me, but I have reach my limit. Have been planning of doing house help job at least so I can move out of here before the years runs out, the house help will help me in having a roof over my head and child but I realize I can't take care of my child , sending him to school, school fees isn't smiling. 

The other time I sent my child home to stay with my parent, my baby daddy started calling them and said a lot of things about me to my dad and my dad is the kind of person that believes outsider than his children. My dad told me to pick my child and that if I succeeded in pushing my baby daddy away from me with my bad behaviour, that he will never forgive me and that we women likes cooking stories up to make someone looks bad ,that I took after my mum .when I went to pick my child, he was looking like a village child, with rashes and couldn't speak English again, I cried seeing my child looking like  what i can't describe . My mum tried for my child but couldn't stopped the playing with people cos our house in the village isn't gated.

 So I understand her when she was explaining to me. My dad made me understand that if I don't listen to him about staying with my baby daddy, that he will hate me and my child for life. And I shouldnt bring the child back without the dads consent again. 

I am growing lean by the day, a lot going through my mind, I know I am the architect of the problems in my life, I take 100% blame for not walking out early before now. I don't blame anybody for my misfortune except myself. I am frustrated here, my life doesn't have a meaning , nothing is moving for me. I have never been helped in my life despite me helping people out of the little I have although I don't give to get back but it bothers me a lot, I have been fasting and praying for a turn around in my life, came out with a third class, l don't have a single self esteem anymore, the little I am trying to build and grow thick skin , I realized this man is just bent in torturing me emotionally and verbally.

 He told me I don't have any usefulness, that everything I do in the house is what can he can pay people to do for him. He just needed me to be taking care of our child and also doing whatever he commands me to do. He cheats and flaunt it in my face , he doesn't care if I am sick or hungry, the only thing is that I should make sure nothing happens to his child. He make sure I don't have any savings which he doesn't have either but immediately he has money he has a particular girlfriend he sends it too, the girl even speaks with my child atimes and uses my child pix has her dp. 

I want to move out and have a life of my own, don't even know if there is a life for me out there. I need advise and help.
My life is miserable, I don't want to drop my child and leave ,at the same time time ,I don't have the capacity to take care of the child for now and my parent is a no go area. I don't even have anywhere to go to. I don't know if there is hope for me out there to make it in life.I wasted over 11years with this man, my life has been around him from the onset, he still insult him me with the rape,abortion, discharge ( as if it was my fault I was raped, I am still battling with getting the rape out of my head).

 I still do chores in the duplex we are staying, I can't dear not to wash his cloth, and other chores in the house. He is quick to remind me that I should be grateful he put a roof on my head. Our child is lacking behind of others and he doesn't seems to see anything wrong about that. I don't know who I am anymore, I am depreciating daily, not sure there is anything that appreciate in my life again. This past few days , Its just as if something bad should happen to me to him but thinking it through I realize i had a choice to walk out since but I never did , so he didn't force me to accept his behaviour. I never complained, I had to leave several jobs because the insult I get daily from him doesn't make me productive at work and the whole responsibility of the house falls on me immediately I get jobs, he feels so far I disobeyed him for working ,that's my punishment on top salary that is not up to 20k atimes. I am frustrated and depressed ,that I am always thinking of something bad happening to me but my child is the only thing keeping me going, can't even afford the basic things for the kid.

Pls I have reached my breaking point, what should I do, I am getting old and I am trying to talk back at him this days if he insults me but things he tells me always leave me crying for days, he reminds me of been older than me and I address him with respect from the onset, I don't dear call him by his name. He is manipulative, He said I can't never make it without him ,that he is the pillar that is supporting my life and without him I am nothing.

I need your advice,counselling and help. You can insult me (everything was my fault) but pls remember to advice me and pls take it easy on me. Thanks for your time

*JESUS CHRIST OF NAZARETH!!!!...This is the worst form of low self esteem i have ever read about...You need counselling seriously!....Your story,your mindset.everything is messed up..You had to look for someone who treats you the same way your dad treats your mum?ha!......