Stella Dimoko Korkus.com: Chronicle Of Blog Visitor Narrative...

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Friday, November 26, 2021

Chronicle Of Blog Visitor Narrative...

 Hmmmm....





STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
DIFFICULT DECISION



 Hi Stella, please I have an issue really bothering me.


 I met my wife 3 years ago, we got married and we have a beautiful daughter together. When I was very young, I got my then girlfriend pregnant and we had a boy.

 I have been the only one taking care of him up till now(she wanted to give him up for adoption but I did not accept). He is now 22 years old. 

we live in a city (outside Nigeria) where accommodation is a very big problem . We live with my son in a 2 bedroom apartment, my wife and I work in the city so it is not easy to leave the city and get a bigger apartment somewhere with less accommodation stress. My son just got admission into the Uni near our City, my wife advised that we get him a room on campus so we use his room as our girl's room. I discussed with my son, but he refused.


 He said he wants to drive to school everyday from home. I cannot force him because he battles sometimes with depression but my wife is not having it, she started searching for an apartment for her and our daughter which was not the plan, we were searching for a big house together before. 


she says I can come and visit that she cannot live with my adult son anymore and that I can continue living with him for the rest of my life(I admit he is the very lazy type and he is very dependent on me). Now i'm confused and sad. Its like asking me to choose between her(and my daughter) and my son. This is really breaking my heart because i cannot imagine not seeing my precious little daughter everyday, I also love my wife very much, this is even our first misunderstanding.

 What should I do? should I let her leave? or should I force my son to move out? Thanks





Your boy is already an adult and should stop depending on you, let him move out.... You don't need to force him, he should know its time to move...Please be careful that it doesn't get to physical altercation. if he refuses to leave then move out and leave him there ......  

134 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. It's time to let him grow up. Far from the issue between your wife and you, he needs to become independent. For a 22year old, he needs it. Get him a therapist to coach him through this phase. You must let him know you are only a phone call away and still very much love him but he needs to grow up and only visit from time to time.

      Delete
    2. 22 years?
      22 years old na MAN.
      He will always be your son, but you need to treat him like a MAN otherwise even at 40 he wont have his life together.

      Unless your son is rude, disrespectful, a potential molester or physically violent I see no reason why she should decide to move away.
      Selfish and self centred.

      You can get a big enough house where everyone can face front if they want to.

      Delete
    3. A boy who is battling depression, hmmmnn. Would your wife have had this attitude if this was her son? Your wife is not a nice person, let her pray that her own children are not forced out of their father's house by another woman in the future.

      Delete
    4. Eyya
      This is a dicey one
      He needs that campus life sef
      At 22 most people are done with NYSC
      I see he dint get admission at the right time.
      Does he have a friend in the said university so they could stay together when he gets lonely
      A 2bed room is small for 3 adults, where does your daughter sleep?
      He needs to learn to be independent o, if you keep enabling his behavior, you will reap it later.
      Your wife is she being extra, but she must be really frustrated.

      He needs to make new friends during his registration period.

      Delete
    5. We don’t know the full story but based on what you’ve said, your wife is not very understanding.
      Yes, he is 22 but it’s been you and him for a long time and he suffers from mental health issues. He still needs help so why cut him off from the only parent he has known all his life?
      Your wife’s decision to move out is irrational unless she doesn’t like and, or trust your son. What I gathered is that she never accepted your son but managed him because he was already grown when you met her.
      Your children will remain your children and there is no need to choose. However, you may need to be open with your son to explain the situation and encourage him.
      He would also need moral and emotional support so this is not just about accommodation…

      But don’t rush or push your vulnerable son out over a grown woman that cannot show empathy…

      Delete
    6. Poster I agree with this comment. Mental health issues are no joke. Your wife should be more understanding. She cannot make you choose between the two.

      Delete
  2. I support Stella on this

    If he refuses to move leave him there and move with your wife

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Mr man your son is an adult, being depressed is a major problem here, my good friend lose her only similar like yours , her son comit suicide at the same age as your son 22 years because the step father refused to accommodate the guy. Please trade with care.

      Delete
    2. Hmmm poster send this link to your wife, thread carefully since he is depressed oo abeg o

      Delete
  3. Poster no matter how difficult to get money, please look for a one room apartment for your boy. He is an adult even though in Nigeria we still have 30 something to 40 something still living with their parents. Look for money and support your son. You can still be checking on him every time.

    This is the worst situation where the son is not from your wife. Step children are really suffering because of new wives that men are marrying.

    May God Almighty give you wisdom to handle this so that there will be no bad blood among your family

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yori did we read the same chronicle?

      Delete
    2. @your second paragraph. If he was my biological son, I'd still ask him to move out.
      Step parents are trying, sometimes they are afraid to take certain decisions for the fear that they'll be termed bad

      Delete
    3. Poster I believe you know the right thing, so find the will to do it. 22yrs old old enough but since he has and underlying depression issues, you need help him with a therapist to walk him through his difficuties - accepting the reality and plugging into it. Don't let anyone coerce you into not following this through it course. Parenting never ends...

      Two things crossed my mind though, if he was her child would her stance be same? And how come we don't see our daughters old enough to live on their own at 22yrs?

      Delete
    4. Some step parents are even the victims
      They get scared of treating the child bad, especially when one parent has rejected them in the past.
      These children suffer from abandonment issues and rebel...trying punish the step parents.

      Why would a 22year old not be excited about moving to school, if not that he is trying to make his step mother suffer it.

      Also poster, kindly let him know he can drive the car whenever he wants to.
      Maybe he wants to be driving to school and forming "big boy".
      He needs to learn independence.

      Delete
    5. Thank you very much

      Delete
    6. @push up they are not in Nigeria. Car does not equate big boy abroad. He doesn’t want to move out obviously he is dependent on home, didn’t you see depression? He may not have friends or he may be afraid. Why do you jump to the conclusion of punishing the step mother? Na wa.

      Delete
  4. Hmmmmmmm.........this is a very dicey situation

    ReplyDelete
  5. Tou said he battles with depression?
    Anyway your wife already resents the boy. If he was her real son, I doubt she would ask him to move out. Life no balance, talk to your boy n encourage him, let him not feel left out. And pray he doesn't fall depressed again without you knowing, before you see headline news about him, God forbid.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Resents a 22 year old that is due to attend uni?
      Let's be realistic nau! The crib is too small for the family. They need space. His going to school is an opportunity to relieve one of the rooms.

      Delete
    2. BB leave that depression talk. People just dey use the word anyhow. Na d word wey dey reign since 2020. By next year new one go come out. Abi you don forget wen narcissist bin reign? Lol. Who diagnosed him and pronounced him depressed? Abeg, make una lemme ooo. πŸ˜„πŸ˜„πŸ˜„

      The boy is just attached to his father and misses growing with his mom. That's all. It's time for a change.

      Delete
    3. Well, we all u know that if that boy were to be her own son, she won't kick him out, she would allow him grow n coax him, build his morale n he will move out on his own, OR they get bigger apartment. I cant send my struggling 22Γ½o boy out without proper coaching. GUYS, if you have a child outside wedlock, make provisions for the child coz no matter how your wife pretends, the resentment would show sooner or later.

      Delete
    4. BB, did you attend university from home? I left home at 17 to campus.

      Delete
    5. BB, did you read different chronicle?
      The guy was given an option of living on his own and attend uni but he refused.

      Delete
    6. Yes, till now I still enjoy free rent, free education and food, except I leave this country.

      Delete
    7. Jechix my darling, please don't downplay the effects of clinical depression. I believe the father is old enough to know it's an actual ailment and not a word one just throws around

      Delete
    8. Thanks Bb.
      Suddenly everyone is saying leave. is it a must?
      you all left because you wanted to, nobody forced you. Who said that is how it should be for everyone. Simply because you left doesn't mean anyone who doesn't want to leave at that same age as yours has a problem.


      Delete
  6. Stella you got it πŸ˜‚ πŸ˜‚

    Some adult have no shame honestly, my bro told me how his friend's dad told his boys, about 3 of them to leave his house🀣🀣🀣🀣, they were all doing well o but refused to leave home.

    Our next door neighbour sold his house without informing his boys and relocated to the village, they got evicted by the new owners, they were furious and called their dad, the man told them to find their square root🀣🀣🀣🀣

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

      Delete
    2. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ€£πŸ€£πŸ€£πŸ€£
      Chai! The man na badoo. ,πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ€£πŸ€£πŸ€£. Not only square root. Even cube root join. After that, did the boys die? Thier own case be say they no wan pay rent.πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚. But he shouldn't have sold the house. Maybe lease it.

      Delete
    3. Maybe the boys in the second story by Gifty were lazy.
      🀣🀣🀣🀣

      Delete
    4. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚that man wicked ooo

      Delete
    5. Chai hahahahahhaa
      D man no try at all and morrow he'll expect them to help/cater for him.

      Delete
  7. Talk things over with your wife over a date night.. Plead for time to get your son an accommodation or the proposed bigger apartment.. Don't fight with her...

    ReplyDelete
  8. First of all I am a woman. Apart from being lazy are there other things he does that gives a lot of concern? If the reverse was the case she would expect you to cope with her own child, now it is yours she does not accept, please weigh options and prayerfully take a decision, if his mum rejected him, please don't do same. Some people don't grow up early that might be his case. Apart from God no one will love you dearly like your parents. May God guide you in whatever decisions you take. Amen

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I got emotional reading your response. His mom rejected him, don't do the same,sir. He didn't ask to be born. He deserves the same kind of love you have for your daughter.

      Talk to your wife and ask her to put herself in your shoes. Tell her if she leaves the house tomorrow and one thing leads to another and you guys divorces, if she chooses to remarry would she like the new man to treat her daughter the same way she's treating your son? Forget about his shortcomings. No one has it all.

      Delete
    2. @HairsbyK at 22 years? What are you guys talking about? The other children living on campus are how old again? 40s?

      Do you know that back home in Nigeria, many children have finished youth service? What is the age bracket for working in a bank or joining the military? Not more than 25!

      You guys, let's raise strong men and women and not lilies.

      Delete
    3. The other children living in campus still have their rooms intact in thh he eue family homes and available for them when they are on hols.

      Delete
  9. Don't chase your son away! I say, DON'T CHASE YOUR SON AWAY! What's wrong with your wife? Is your son disturbing her, is he a trouble maker? Does he have a bad behavior aside being lazy? You might call a 22yo an adult but he's still a very young adult, he's young!

    Why does your wife want him out of the house? What if he was her son? Oh, women! We can do better!

    Well, stylishly tell your son that he's now a man and you want him to have his privacy, so, you will be leaving the 2 bedroom apartment for him while you go in search of a bigger apartment for you, your wife and daughter. That's if you can afford the rent. He might be happy!

    If your wife doesn't have any reasonable reason why your son should leave, then, she's a wicked woman!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. At 22 I had finished university, was working, paying my own rent.
      I get it that that's not everyone's path, some are still living with their parents in their 30s, but at 22 I was an adult and regarded as such.

      Delete
  10. Poster, you have to be very wise in dealing in this issue. This is a very sensitive matter because of your son depression and you training him to be so dependent on you. Cutting him immediately off can trigger his depression

    Just sit him down, let him know you love him, and that he is old enough now to face life on his own as a man. That what if you end up not being around tomorrow, that you want to instill that independent attribute in him... Trade carefully, so that you wont lose one part. Pray about it too. Prayers works wonders. All the best

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "Trade" by barter 🀣🀣🀣🀣🀣🀣🀣

      Delete
  11. Poster at 22years your son should not be overly dependent and I think you allowed him to have his way all the time and you have over-pampered hence the problem..Also I see that you have not allowed your son to blend with your new family so he has this me-and-my-dad against hiswife-and-daughter mindset...I must be frank with you; you didn't do well as you should made it a well blended family....

    As you have stated up there...Call for a meeting with your son and wife and explain to him why he needs to stay on campus; you should be firm because I see that he knows your weakness and he is manipulating you (That's my opinion)...If he insists that he wants to drive to campus then tell him that he will pay for the rent and you and your wife will be moving out of the apartment....He is an adult and should understand and be responsible enough...However please go about it calmly and reassure him that you love him but you got to make better financial decisions...Please be firm and don't bow to his every needs or pressure...All the best...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Same way, u paid for rent or any household payments in your parents house.
      How do some of you think.
      Instead of advicing the man the man to pool money and get a bigger house and carry his family as one. U keep talking of things to divide a family.
      Walai, u no get sense.

      Delete
    2. A father who over compensated for the mothers absence

      Delete
    3. Anonymous you are very stupid for saying I don't have sense...Go and read comments here and see whether others don't share the same opinion as mine....The advice is not for you so get lost...Ewu Gambia!!

      Delete
    4. Thank you phoenix
      He enabled the boy
      How can you even say you know that he is lazy?
      He doesn't help out, which is even bad enough.
      How would anyone say she doesn't want to accept him, she's been accepting him all these while now.

      You all forget there's another child in the mix, who also deserves her parents attention.
      Parenting is very tricky, if you spend too much discussion on one child, the other will feel left out.

      Oga, call a meeting and let them know your decision

      Delete
  12. Madam Stella just gave you a best advice,since your son is now an adult,get a good apartment for him and you can always check up on him often. And I think you should sit him down like an adult that he is and a very serious talk with him.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Na real wa o! Y'all should be able to reach a compromise now but why is your wife acting so pained like she doesn't really like your son? IT'S WELL

    ReplyDelete
  14. my own question is this, if the young man was hers, would she be saying the same thing?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. some of you will read and dont comprehend before typing....did you read where the father said he was lazy and does not help out at home? so if you have a lazy son, dependent on his father and does not help out at home when will you want him to become independent? if he has admission to go to school but wants to be driving from home. will you not encourage him to go and stay on campus so he can be independent? he did not tell us the things his wife has endured with the boy so u can open your mouth and assume she is wicked..that boy needs to go live in the hostel

      Delete
  15. this is heartbreaking, poster you married a wicked woman that's still disguising. if that boy is her son will she ask him to move? what is wrong in a 22 years old trying to be close to his family. poster please allow the guy to clock 25 before sending him away, pushing him away by force is not advisable, he can harm himself. some women sha

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I thought same too. If he was her child would she ask him to leave? but before you brand her a wicked woman, did you read where the dad admitted that he is the very lazy type? there's also nothing wrong with him moving out and getting used to life without his dad. He's an adult now and clinging to his dad and totally depending on him is not healthy for him. Let him go stay in school and mingle with his mates and see life differently. Poster sit him down and assure him staying away will be best for him as a growing MAN. Will he also get married and stay with the dad?

      Delete
    2. I don’t understand this, at 18 I already hated living in a family house and prayed to get admission so I could MOVE OUT. A woman for that matter ooo, not to talk of a 22yrs man that is old enough to marry if he wants.
      If poster’s wife is a bad woman, his son will be the one fighting to move out. I believe that woman must have suffered enough in the hands of poster and his manipulative son.
      Please encourage him to man up and face life as an adult that he is, you people have pampered him enough oo

      Delete
    3. Let's stop blaming the wife and be open minded.
      When you were in uni (assuming you have attended uni), were you living in your parents house or on/off campus?
      It's not like she's kicking the boy out. All she's saying is, he should go live on campus to create room for their daughter. I don't see nothing wrong with that.
      I'm a woman and will give same advice if he were my biological son,sentiments aside.

      Delete
    4. @ Fan 😘😘😘😘

      Delete
    5. Thank you @Fan. I left my parents' house at 17 for the university and never went back till today. Only visit or semester breaks. By the age of that 22 in question, I was done with school. My father only insisted I never stayed off campus. I lived in the hostel throughout. Mind you, from home to campus is one full day's journey. So it's not like I was always even visiting sef. I got to visit twice a year during semester breaks.

      Please let's stop clouding our reasoning with unnecessary emotions.

      Delete
    6. Anonymous 😘😘😘😘😘😘 right back to you darling

      Delete
    7. If he was her son?

      If he was her son, she would be able to shout and order him to do chores, she would be able to make decisions for him like the one above which him and his father rejected. You get it now?
      Go down the thread and read where a father sold his house without his sons knowledge in order to make them move out.
      If they were not his son, you would say he is wicked to them cos he is not their father

      Delete
  16. Sorry to say, but you're an enabler. Thanks to you, your son has become very lazy.
    He is old enough to live on his own now. Kindly let him go and live on campus. It's not worth the stress you're putting your wife through

    ReplyDelete
  17. Talk to your son to stop being lazy abeg.

    ReplyDelete
  18. You raised him wrongly,how can a 22 years not want to move out?
    Till when,30 years?
    How long will he be dependent.
    It's the way you raised him.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Tenth, you said nothing but the truth, at 21 I was already a graduate and serving. Why is a 22 year old boy still clinging to his father's 'sokoto' and refusing to grow up?
      He needs to learn now to be independent, he can't be a boy forever♾️.

      Hope you are getting better Tenth?

      Delete
    2. Thanks twins squared.i am good now.

      Delete
  19. Nice advice Stella
    And may I add that you assure him
    Of your visits😁😁
    It's one of those prices to pay for past indiscretions.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Judgina must find something to judgeπŸ˜‚. God help you o

      Delete
    2. @16:08
      What is judgment about this? Did the man have a past indiscretion? Yes.
      I also had mine and paid dearly for it. NOne of us was born perfect.
      If we were perfect, then why did Jesus have to die, why did he have to come
      to teach us? Please find something else to attack.😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁

      Delete
    3. I still feel that if this man make a passionate appeal to the boy, he will move. Perhaps promise him that you will be visiting him every weekend.
      You have to appeal to every heart to keep your family together.

      Delete
    4. I hope all the small boys and girls sleeping with themselves are seeing this.

      Delete
  20. Your wife has seen some things in your son. You've admitted he's lazy and in this case, I'm guessing there are so many other bad behaviours you have not mentioned here that your wife has noticed.
    A woman's instinct is usually very strong and I believe she's not comfortable having your son together in the house with her very young daughter.

    Think on this and prevail on your son to leave the house and stay in school. After all, he's an adult now. For your wife to choose to stay away with her daughter instead says a lot about the character of your son.

    May God guide you as you make the right decisions

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oil dey ya head. The woman have seen some traits in him. She doesn't want wahala that is why she prefers to move out. She must have been enduring a lot.
      To those saying if the boy was her son bla blabla, if he was her son, she would be able to reprimand him as she likes when he misbehaves, she would order him around and he would obey. Do you know if the poor woman does not have any say in matters when it involves the boy? She must have been praying for an opportunity for the boy to leave the house but this man is acting like an obstacle to her prayers.

      Delete
  21. Your boy still wants to be chopping mama's food πŸ˜…

    ReplyDelete
  22. Stella you are on point.

    I like your wife already, no time for drama.

    ReplyDelete
  23. The boy can stay on campus and come for holidays. Your wife's plan to convert the other room to her daughter's makes it look like she is doesn't want to have the boy around at all. So even when he comes visiting he'll stay in the sitting room this is somehow. You should kukuma share the room into 2 with. Don't forsake your son and follow your wife. Encourage the boy to make good friends in school and also he should be involved in social activities. With time he won't want to leave the school.

    ReplyDelete
  24. This one is hard. Ask her if she'll react the same way if it were her son, especially with depression issues.

    May God give you wisdom to handle the situation.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No. She won't act the same way. She'll allow him live with them. When it's time for him to get married, she'll allow him bring his wife to live with them as well.
      It will be till death do them part πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„

      Delete
    2. Y'all should stop with this "if he was her son" mindset. A bv said here yesterday that her parents ga e her an ultimatum to move out by December if she doesn't bring home a suitor. Another father up there sold his house to make his sons become men by moving out.
      If he was her son, she would only need to suggest him staying on campus and he will agree,even if it would be grudgingly, he would agree with his mum.

      Delete
  25. I don't get it. You are putting your wife's needs and decision side by side with that of your son? Hey God. Women don really suffer. A boy that is supposed to be a son to her and she'll be making decisions for him? Oga, send that boy to get a room fast! What nonsense! You obviously have no regard for your wife. Imagine!

    Do you know what you are doing? You are telling your wife in clear words that she is second base in your life and that is the wrongest thing any man can do to his wife. You are going against God's rule for marriage which says both of you are one. You are now tearing that divine union to please your son. Gosh! Na wa o!

    The boy is not at fault sef. Na the hand wey you give am naim e dey take follow una. If your wife had reacted violently now, shey you would have said she is a bad woman. But she's peaceful and moving out to avoid trouble. Imagine what you are even saying: your only problem will be your daughter that you won't get to see every time. Imagine! So you don't care if you don't see your wife? Kai! This chronicle pain me oooo.

    Guys on the blog, do you guys see why we women always run away from men with baggage? Na dis kain tin. Oga talk true. You've been looking for a way to divorce your wife abi? Ok. Let's turn the tables. If your wife had come into the marriage with a child and any decision you guys take will be based on whether it affects her child. How would that make you feel especially as the man of the house?

    Now this is my advice: Call your wife and apologize profusely to her. You've insulted that woman. Call your son and in the presence of your wife, tell him he will be going to stay in a room on campus. That is not to say he won't always come to the house. That's his father's house. He is always welcome home. But for now, because of the issue of accommodation, let him go to the room outside. Please be firm about it. He needs to leave until you can get a bigger house. He can't call the shots in your house. He can't and shouldn't!

    You too start looking for a house that can accommodate all of you so that he can join you. Because I see you are attached to your son which is okay since you've been with him all his life. I know that's the reason he doesn't want to go. But you have to explain to him that there comes a time in life when he'll need to man up. I'm not saying you should lose your relationship with your son. But he has come of age. Do you know that in the barracks, children above 18 are not allowed to live with thier parents? That's the rule. Just that it is always violated.

    Stop giving him a voice over your wife openly. That's wrong. Please tread carefully with the relationship between your wife and son. You need both of them.

    Enjoy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jechix, order a bottle 🍾 of your favourite drink 🍷, it's on me. Aptly said πŸ‘Œ

      Delete
    2. Gbam! I love you Jechix πŸ’•

      Delete
    3. Your son is funny sha, most men of that age would be excited to leave home, I am surprised he still wants to stay wit u, tell him what happens if he wants to have a wife or girlfriend?

      Delete
    4. Jechix, if you know what depression is, you will erase everything you have written, and beg God for forgiveness. Ask parents who have dealt with depressed kids. Well it's people that bring such issues to blogs to get opinions of people wey never even marry, not to talk of raising a child, or a depressed child. Oga , get help for that child. Don't ever think of sending him anywhere until he gets better. If this boy your wife's biological son, she won't even entertain such suggestions from you. If he kills himself, you will hate your wife forever. If she didn't have a motive, she would have suggested a bigger house but she wants to make sure he doesn't come back to the house again. Most women here will pick their children over their husbands any day, anytime but when the case is reverse, they start quoting rubbish verses from the bible. I know what I went through with my son, the fear that I will wake up one day and he is gone. No parent should through that. Save your boy please, let her go if she doesn't want a bigger room. There might be things she does to him which he may never tell you probably because he doesn't want to cause problems between you guys.Spend time with him and let him fully trust you, his mental health will greatly improve. Bible did not tell uou to uncleave from your children as you are cleaving to your wife. Women, when you marry a man with baggage, accommodate evry evry, don't come later and be forming voltron, nkita aracha unu anya. One of the reasons I have ot married again, make my children grow, to be able to take care of themselves, abeg. Before one Homo Sapiens go come dictate dry measure the love and time I go give my children. Awo suo ya onu.

      Delete
    5. you people will just be typing rubbish....if she had a motive will she marry the guy? so it is allowed for depressed people to be lazy and refuse to help around the house abi? if he could not help around the house due to his condition the father would have clearly stated it.. what has the woman endured for 4 years they have been married? having the room converted to her daughters room does not mean the guy cannot come to his fathers house again. so you must have a room assigned to you before you call it home abi?

      Delete
  26. I'm concerned about pushing your son away due to his depression that u mentioned,I don't know of obodo oyibo but here it's not a big deal for a 22years to be going to school from his father's house. Agreed he is no longer a kid but at the same time he is not over that age that staying with his parent will look somehow, your wife might just be scared of having a grown up man around her daughter with what we read everyday now but not wanting to voice it out but I might be wrong Sha hence her reason for not wanting to live with ur adult son. First, sit her down and know exactly why she doesn't want to live with him again,plead with her and intensify ur search for a bigger accommodation..a child under 3years can still manage a room with her parents, except u didn't inform your wife of ur son before marriage I don't get why she wants him out all of a sudden,he has the right to go to school from his father's house please, don't chase him but let him start learning how not to be overly dependent on you

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  27. I am a woman too and his wife is not being fair. If he was her son she would want the man to accept the guy but she is finding hard to do the same now that the table is turned. She would suggest they add the money they have set aside for his apartment to theirs and get an apartment with an extra room.

    Forget the fact that he has to go to school, she is using that as an opportunity to push him out else she won't plan to convert his room to her daughter'room after he has gone. If he comes back on holiday where would he stay? Ask her if he is on holiday from school can he come back home to his father's house and see her reaction. Her type would even expect him to stay back in his rented apartment while his agemates go back to their parent's house during school break. That your wife just wants your son totally out of the house and she feels she has seen the perfect opportunity.


    You said he is suffering from depression and still she is in a haste to push him out complaining about him being lazy. Don't you read up on depression, poster? depressed people are mostly tired and they experience fatigue. Their energy levels is low so it is not his fault that he can't be energetic or work like a mule to please her.


    Most 22 years old in university still go back to their parent's house so why are You both trying to make him independent forcefully? is he out of school? does he have a job yet? stop comparing him to a 22 year old abroad a 22 years old abroad is already doing his or her masters program or PhD unlike Nigeria where a 22 years old is like 16 exposure-wise some 22 years old are still writing jamb.

    Stop trying to fling your son out of the house. He can leave when he gets a job. You would not need to force him. By then he would even be the one hastening up the process. Most parent won't even mind but support the idea that their boy or daughter goes to school from home, if it is not far. She is like this because he is not her son. If it was her son she would even tell you him sleeping in the living room is not an issue that you all can manage and even advice that by keeping him in the house will help save cost and you can use the money you set aside to get him an apartment to do other things. Be wise.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. 1 am still anon 16:20. please I want to ask a question. All of you writing "I left home when i was 17...", please did you have the same upbringing as the guy in question? Did you experience abandonment?


      The poster said he had the guy when he was "Very young" which means he was likely a teenager so young that his girlfriend wanted to give the boy up for adoption, do you know what they means? Do you have any idea what the boy would have gone through having a small boy as a father who could not even fend for himself let alone a little boy? A case of a baby taking care of a baby.

      I am pretty sure this poster who had a baby at that young age left his son in the care of relatives. Who knows if the boy has been passed from one relative to another and left feeling unwanted while he waits for his dad who is the poster to go to school, get a job and make it to be who he is today before he could come back for him and live with him under the same roof, finally. I am sure the son was deprived of so many things which includes fatherly love while growing up and the only care he likely got was in cash. Do you have any y idea the emotional trauma the som would have gone through, the mental torture of being abandoned with people who would have treated him far worse? what if that was part of what led to his depression? Someone up there even disregarded the fact that the guy is depressed. how dare some of you trivalise such a condition?


      Poster, Your son might be a late bloomer when it comes to life due to the experiences he encountered at the onset of his early years.

      Delete
    2. This is the best advice so far.

      Poster do not push your son away, that's your first fruit. 22 is too young to be totally on his own, you won't know before he joins a secret sect. He's even depressed and needs close relatives(you in this case) by his side.
      Your wife is selfish and wicked for suggesting that you push your son out to make room for her daughter, that's the highest form of self centeredness.

      PS. Your wife might wake up tomorrow and ask for a divorce,leave you and get another husband but your son cannot get another father. You are his dad and nobody can change this, not even your selfish wife.

      Delete
  28. A 22 year old MAN is old enough to live on his own! I got admission at 18 and left my parents house to live off campus and I had the time of my life!
    Poster are you saying you, your wife and daughter have all been sharing one room, while your son has a room to himself? Your wife don try abeg.
    If you can afford it, look for a bigger apartment and move your family out ASAP!

    ReplyDelete
  29. Your son is very selfish and lazy for not wanting to move out of a small apartment to the school campus so you 3 can be comfortable at his age!!! Who drives from home to school at that age. You have not raised your son well and you are totally wrong for not taking a stand against your son’s decision. It’s the audacity and selfishness for me! I don’t blame your wife, you can marry your son until your eyes clear.

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  30. Is your son the only one battling depression?? We all are. Keep giving excuses for raising a spoilt brat. I applaud your wife for walking away from you with her daughter. Only God knows if the boy is sexually abusing her daughter when you both go to work. Your wife should come and bear the burden of your youthful exuberance while his mother is somewhere lounging. Your wife is not wicked buh a very good woman. I don’t blame her at all. I empathize with her and I wish her the very best with a real man.

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  31. Get a bigger apartment for all of you

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  32. Please your son should go and look for accommodation in school i left my family house at 17 years and faced the world squarely and a boy of 22 years don't want to leave abeg force him to go and look for accommodation please the earlier the better he has to learn how to cohabit with others see the world make friends make mistakes and learn from it please stop baby sitting him let him grow up my Father's friend married at the age of 22 and you are still baby sitting yours

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Don't mind the man. Some children travel to go and study abroad at that age, what would you say to that Mr poster?

      Delete
  33. Oga poster, let that your son pack out of your house and go hustle like a man.

    So if you ain't in the picture, what would he have done?

    How long do you intend to carry him?

    Stop encouraging his lazy ass and give depression excuses for him.

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    Replies
    1. Please poster, the best thing you can do for your son is to help him become independent. I think it is better he moves out and learns how the world works. That is what will help him in the long run. Just assure him that you are not abandoning him, will visit him and help him out where possible. Also as others have suggested, let him work through his issues with a therapist and don't stop encouraging him. Try to make peace with your wife and daughter and subtly remind her that she is his mother too. You did not really highlight the kind of relationship they have, but it seems she has been putting up with a lot. And yes your daughter also needs space as she is growing up. She can't always be sleeping with mummy and daddy. May God bless your home and give you wisdom sir.

      Delete
  34. Your wife lacks empathy. the guy is battling depression, he might commit suicide. He needs to be constantly monitored. How can your wife be dictating to u? This boy is ur blood and not an outsider. Beg ur wife to be considerate. My childhood friend committed suicide due to depression due to unemployment. For any one battling depression such person must not be isolated. Had it been d boy is not battling depression that will have been another case.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The boy is depressed but they want to push him out. see how most are ignoring that aspect and telling him to move out.

      Delete
    2. Any small thing, depressed!
      Your friend was unemployed and frustrated, what is this boy's own? He has his father at his beck and call, totally dependent on him, what is his own problem. They have spoilt him too much

      Delete
    3. Being independent may be what helps the boy out of depression. When you feel you must depend on another person to live it can cause major depression because humans will always let you down. For example the father also has to put his wife and daughter into consideration. At his age, he is no longer a baby and there are many good opportunities he can learn to embrace abroad. The father should just form a good friendship with him, visit him often, advice him, know his friends, pray for him etc. If he has a big house he could still accommodate the son, but I would still advise preparing him for the outside world and giving him a time frame to leave. I bet he would be glad he did in future. Some kids need to be pushed else they remain a liability for life. If na Naija na different story. Still you see so many youths here hustling despite challenges.

      Delete
  35. I don’t understand these comments
    How does asking the boy to move out translate to abandonment?
    If more parents practiced discretional love, we would have more wholesome adults.
    He has lived with them all these years and suddenly now that there’s opportunity for the Little girl to have some space, the wife becomes a bad person by asking him to take an option that’s even more convenient to him? Sir, the only reason your son has refused to relocate to college is because he wants to keep being dependent on you. Easing him off with proper counselling is not abandoning him, it’s not even for your wife’s happiness, it’s for him really. You need a lot of wisdom.
    I pray God’s wisdom guides you so that you don’t set a bad trajectory for your lovely family.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Help me tell them cos I don't get why they are all saying the wife is wicked. She is not!

      Delete
  36. Poster, handle this issue with wisdom.

    You said he is very lazy and depends on you? Why did you allow him to grow into a lazy young man?
    We know some parents spoil their sons and make them stress their wives in future but then, we also have some who trained theirs to be independent and hardworking. Some leave home at less than 22yrs to a new city to hustle, squatting with friends and working as casual hands in factories to survive.

    Your own son would have an apartment to himself, probably a car too, upkeep money and no stress asides schooling.

    Pls let him go, he will adjust in his new abode. Most of the students in my days who came to live on campus adjusted after sometime. Those that couldn't cook learnt how to cook or gave fellow students money to cook and they share the food, others eat out till they left school. Those that couldn't wash their clothes or clean their rooms were forced to do so or pay fellow students to do it, etc.

    Your boy would be fine. Just check on him from time to time through phone and physical visitation. A surprise visit once in a while too would be fine. Lastly, take it to God in prayers and always pray for him wherever he goes.
    I wish you the best as you proceed.

    ReplyDelete
  37. Imagine you even saying he is very lazy, you are not even ashamed to say that. Even if he came to your house as lazy boy why didn't you retrain him?
    Your wife has had enough, let the poor woman breath abeg. You also have a daughter now, we have heard of half brothers abusing their half sisters including minors, prevention is better than cure.
    Release the boy. You have access to therapists there, let him see one if he is depressed. You indulged him to the extent that he became so rotten and doesn't want to leave home. Some guys would be glad to run off to school and be free.

    ReplyDelete
  38. Well 22yrs is not that old for me,especially in naija here afterall most of us have people who are 23,24 & above still staying with us in our homes...but I think it's based on the abroad system, at 22 a person is already considered old enough to have his/her own apartment and even see themselves through college (even though with support from family).

    I think you should have a talk with your wife. Why exactly does she want him out?...is there something he's doing that you're not aware of or does she just want him out?

    Am not really of the opinion that you throw your son out of the house,but you really need to come up with something fast. Seeing you base abroad, that apartment renting is quite ok and won't necessarily be seen as wickedness.

    Also talking with your wife is also necessary to know what her problem/concerns are so that tomorrow now they will not ask you to throw your whole family away or she would find her way. Whichever way, you need to tread carefully on this matter

    ReplyDelete
  39. Oga you weren’t ready to marry. Your son is selfish and will continue to be if you don’t send him to campus like his mates. Your wife is really patient. He should live in the basement when you move and nothing else!

    Karen

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He should live in the basement? His own child?? Ah! You're very heartless. I hope you'll be happy if your child is asked to be thrown in the basement. Wicked mean thing *spits*

      Delete
    2. they might not have a basement depending on where they live...what is wrong with a basement? my sisters basement in her home in America has its own bathroom and a small kitchenette so what are you on about? bush things here forming tush...lol

      Delete
  40. Please don' allow your wife bully you, this is exactly what she is trying to do. This isn't about your son moving to school, but a very obvious attempt to push your son out of your life. The young lad haven't even left for school, your wife is already scheming to give his room to her daughter. I guess you haven't thought of the fact that your son can't even visit you once he leaves for school. Your wife is using your daughter to blackmail you to send out your son. Those who left their parents house at 18 and 22 congratulations. At 22 I was working, living in my parents house and eating my mother's food. If I I have to relive my life , I will do same thing without regrets. All my 6 sisters married from our parents home and they were all working at 22. It is foolish to use your standards to define the lives of others. If you want a good relationship with your son don't push him, all you have done will amount nothing. That same woman who is threatening you today may still divorce you with time

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So what is your suggestion uncle? What would you have him do?
      I no insult you o.πŸ˜†

      Delete
    2. God bless u sir. How many 22years old are on their own in naija?

      Delete
    3. @Alexander, I tire o. All these BVs claiming to have left their parents' home by 17 or 22, na this same Naija dem dey? I've been reading Stella's blogs for years and I can comfortably say most of you married women commenting married from their father's house and moved to their husband's house. You didn't even experience paying rent before you got married.

      See dem telling the man to throw his 22 year old son out. So when he goes to school and comes back for holiday, where would he stay when his room is being convertedfor another child? Especially a young man the father said is depressed.

      You women are very wicked! Some of you have your grown up brothers/sisters living with you in your husband's house. How many young people sef can afford to get their own place at 22? Is it those that JAMB jambed for years that they end up graduating at 25 and above? Those that spend years looking for a job? Those who are underemployed and can barely earn enough to pay rent.

      Ha! You women are very wicked. You better kneel down and pray that God should keep you alive till your children are adults that can take care of themselves. That is why I advice widowers or single fathers to remain single until their children are grown and can take care of themselves before they marry another woman.

      See the wicked advice! God, please protect motherless children and orphans from wicked people like this.

      Delete
  41. Na was for all this advice dem o, this woman is trying to push this guy out of his father's home and blackmailing the man with his daughter. Why does she want to rent her own house separately, why can't they join the money together and get a bigger appartment. Does this boy have money to pay rent whether on campus or outside campus. I don't understand. Is this guy an abuser or what is he doing apart from laziness that makes this woman despise him so much so she is willing to deprive her husband and her daughter.

    ReplyDelete
  42. Poster the way it is,it seems like you are already showing preferential treatment between your two children and the son is already thinking that if he finally leaves the house,he will no longer have a space in your life again.
    If the boy was her son will she send him away? I will advise you do not pursue your son into the hand of friends that will be a bad influence on him. Make you no wake up one day and see him come with a gang to sh**t your wife and child. I am talking reality o
    Apply firmness in him when occasions demands you to so your wife doesn't also think you are giving him too much freehand.
    Try to take a stand as a man. How will your wife that you married just get up and go rent a place.
    I wish you God's wisdom

    ReplyDelete
  43. I don't understand what some people are saying.A 22 year old boy cannot leave his father's house to attend university. It's really a shame how some people indulge stupidity, foolishness and irresponsibility at the same time.Some guys started catering for their nuclear and extended families at even 20.
    Poster if you like give him breast milk because he suffers depression.
    Depression ko, foolishness ni

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Depression is not something to ignore. There is something wrong with the boy, he needs help. If I were the step mom, I would want that issue sorted out first. It is hard, but it is what it is.

      Delete
  44. Wait o, there was a woman who sent in a chronicle about her hubbys out of wedlock son who wouldn’t do anything not even brush his teeth or any such thing. She said she was preggy at the time and didn’t want to bring her baby into that kinda home bla bla bla, could the poster be the woman’s hubby???. Or maybe not. Pls help this young man grow up , now, you’ve got to do it gradually, weaning a baby isn’t easy. He’s one but he shouldn’t continue to be. Going off to school should be exciting enough for him but the fact that he’s not willing to stay tells a lot. Could he be afraid of staying alone? Could he be afraid that no ones gonna want him as their friend? Whatever the case you need your wife in this case o. If you’re sure she doesn’t hate him o, seek her collaboration on making him grow up. Maybe step back a lil and allow her work that woman magic on him. Let him know it’s all for his own good. Don’t let your wife get a house of her own you guys might never get back together again o. It’s either you get the bigger one or let your son get his own place on campus, but don’t be far away at all o, Biko, look for friends kids who attend same school to check on him regularly. Madam pls if you’re reading this forgive your hubby for over pampering this boy. I assume you couldn’t do what you would have ordinarily done to shake him up if you were his biological mother.pls give him more time, so you don’t go actually deserving of the title wicked step mom. Pls when, we love you. Thanks. God bless you

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hmmmm, when reading this chronicle I remembered that woman's chronicle too. So similar.

      Delete
    2. Yes me too i remembered that chronicle

      Delete
  45. What a dilemma.

    Part of good parenting is giving your children the tools for independent life. It is great that your son is kinda stuck on you, but it is not sustainable. Won't he want a girlfriend of his own, friends and the chance to explore the world as an adult. He is probably an introvert and homebody, but you should encourage him that he can still be an introvert and have a balanced life. All birds must fly the nest one day. Let him know that you will always be there for him, but as a man you should be preparing him for life as a man too, and that starts with him taking steps out into the world to make choices for himself and live independently.

    If he suffers from depression then he should have a doctor and his medication. You cannot shield him forever, he has to start getting comfortable stepping outside of his comfort zone. You probably feel guilty because his mother and you didn't work out, but what can you do, shit happens.

    Parents don't wait for the appointed time to start effectively parenting your child. If you are doing your due diligence from birth the transition from teen to adulthood should be seamless. Parenting is not only about bills being paid, roof over the head and food in the belly, please remember the practical and spiritual side to parenting too.

    I wish you and your family all the best. Be firm but loving, encourage your son through wisdom and practical knowledge. It is time for him to embark on manhood and that starts outside of the home. You are not kicking him out just preparing him for the next stage of life, and he may love it once he experiences it. If he is putting up resistance then negotiate with him, tell him to try it for the first year of school and if it doesn't work out to come back after the first year. This should buy you enough time to figure out something.

    ReplyDelete
  46. He needs to give you space.. Its apparent your wife is no more comfortable living with a man who is not her child.. Please explain to him in love and also stop giving excuses for him..

    ReplyDelete
  47. I really feel for you all. You know what, tell your wife not to move your daughter to his room yet. Let him move to school and start by staying 3days in school, going to school from home for two days and spending the weekend at home. Before you know it, one fine babe will tie him down in school. Please take it gradually with him. Beg your wife don’t be forceful.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Poster,take this advice. A few days in school, a few days at home. Gradually he will get used to it

      Delete
    2. Poster, kindly take this advice. A few days off and on will help him adjust. Then, find a therapist for his depression issue(that is if you haven't). Please with your wife to give both of you( father and son) time to adjust to this new arrangement because trust me, you too need it so as not to feel guilty. Don't let your wife move out because that will mean letting the same cycle happen to your daughter. Above all, I can't underestimate the powers of prayers. May God help you protect your home and family.

      Delete
  48. Well by God's grace poster you will all live long, but if something happens to you then what happens to your son? The best gift you can give him in the world we are in today is help him become independent. I think I have said enough.

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  49. i can bet your wife is not a wicked woman but she has realised that his going to campus is the only way to let him begin to be responsible....how long has she tolerated his laziness and dependency on you? even if he was her child, a time will come when a parent must allow kids be independent. have a family meeting and discuss the issue. yours is a young marriage with a toddler to go with and your wife definitely needs space like most young couples do. you say he is prone to depression so just sit him down and let him see reasons why school is the best option. assure him of your support and love. he can even be spending weekends at home only instead of full time.. all the best

    ReplyDelete

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