Hmmm......
STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
WORRIED
The guy I am "getting to know" lost his brother 2 weeks ago, this guy didn't shed a tear or act worried or feel sad after he was told. He has been going on with his activities normally.
Had to ask him if he had an issue with his brother before his death, he said NO, asked if there was a reason he was acting the way he is acting, he said NO then added that "is he suppose to be crying up and down because he lost a brother????? I shock oOoOO.
The family have picked a date for the burial, he plans to leave his base for the burial on the burial day. I advised him to go at least a day before but he has refused.
This is becoming an issue for us, he no dey listen to anyone, he does what he wants and that's on period.
I don't know if I should be worried
The guy I am "getting to know" lost his brother 2 weeks ago, this guy didn't shed a tear or act worried or feel sad after he was told. He has been going on with his activities normally.
Had to ask him if he had an issue with his brother before his death, he said NO, asked if there was a reason he was acting the way he is acting, he said NO then added that "is he suppose to be crying up and down because he lost a brother????? I shock oOoOO.
The family have picked a date for the burial, he plans to leave his base for the burial on the burial day. I advised him to go at least a day before but he has refused.
This is becoming an issue for us, he no dey listen to anyone, he does what he wants and that's on period.
I don't know if I should be worried
You should be worried, you should be VERY VERY WORRIED.
Please disengage and dont bother to know him again, this guy is a red flag and he is not hiding it....If you get to know to the extent of marriage you wil regret it
Never marry someone that doesn't have anyone that can talk to him, it's a big red flag, fleeeeeeee
ReplyDelete*Larry was here*
Tell her
DeleteNo respect or regard for anybody is a BIG RED FLAG
That is a very callous and unfeeling man and you would do well to disengage from him before you get in deep with him. How can someone lose a whole brother and be so unfeeling? And nobody should come with the 'people grieve differently' line cos this man here is not even grieving one bit.
DeleteOmo
DeleteDO NOT MARRY THIS MAN
I feel like asking for your email address from stella so I can get your phone number and name and pray for you
DO NOT MARRY ANYONE who no one can talk to
DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN
DO NOT MARRY AN EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE MAN
RUN
RUN
RUN
You go cry for marriage, no one to pet you
I pray you listen
Mma Nwachukwu
Awon eleyi kin gboran. My uncle wik say "e no dey hear word”.
ReplyDeleteRun oh.
No need to worry.. i am also like that. I dont know how to cry when someone dies
ReplyDeletethe truth is no matter how close i am to someone, the moment the person wants to die i unconsciously start staying away.
it does not mean i dont love the person or i dont miss the person. As the matter of fact i am hurting but not like the normal people
You're still young at heart. By the time you get older, you will understand
DeleteI don't like people with no emotions at all
Delete@Cracy u. We are not talking about 'crying ' is all about being remorseful. Sober reflection. Emotional intelligence.
DeleteI use to have an aunt, she was very close to me, she was all I had as a mother figure, she was there for me every time I needed her.. Then she became sick, when it was getting worse, I knew she won't make it, I ran, stayed away, she was asking after me, she just wanted to see me one very last time and I didn't go because I was scared of loosing her too, I don't want to see her in that state and she died, I haven't forgiven myself for it, I even fell into depression and almost killed myself..
DeleteSo my dear u will learn, u haven't lost anyone u share a bond with yet..
Your moniker is all i see, crazy? Yes!
DeleteGifty
The guy is heartless and should be careful about anyone who lacks empathy.
ReplyDeleteBvs please recommend movies for me similar to Hotel Rwanda, The boy who harnessed the wind etc
He has not deceived or pretended to you. He has shown you whom he is. Now that you know, do you still like him enough to continue to get to know him? Would you want to create a family with him, with a man who has shown you that he doesn't prioritize family or human beings?
ReplyDeleteIf it doesn't bother you, continue with him. If it does, pick your slippers and run away. Why wait until deep emotions are formed!!!!!
Poster this comment above seals it!!!
DeleteWhat if he’s in the denial stage?
ReplyDeleteExactly. Once he goes to the funeral and sees his brother being lowered into the grave and he doesn't breakdown there or later my dear you can run. But for now keep on observing him.
DeleteGrief has about 5 stages, besides people mourn differently.
DeleteIt amazes me how we think if people don’t act the way we do, then something is wrong with them.
I’ve lost siblings and always found it difficult to cry but always had this deep ache in my heart which no one sees. I also hate people paying me condolence visits but prefer to mourn privately.
I mourn by investing heavily on my late siblings children and ensuring they surpass their parents expectations.
What if the guy has a reason for not wanting to travel a day to the event?
No one has the right to tell anyone how to grieve pls.
Thank you. Delayed grief is the most dangerous. I have witnessed people go through this. In one case, the girl lost her father but you would not know. She would refer to him in present tense when telling stories. We would all wonder if she really lost him because there were no tears etc. When it finally hit her that she would never see him again, hers was so bad that she dropped out of school. It wasn't due to financial challenges, but emotional and mental. She just stopped attending classes, gisting etc., then packed up one day, left, and never returned to school. Another example is a guy that lost his father. Same attitude of acting as if nothing happened. When the grief finally came, it was so bad that he changed from a Lagos big boy to a guy that would wear shirt with holes in the armpit and when you point out the holes, he will tell you that all is vanity. If his father's money and wealth couldn't save him, why should anyone stress themselves or bother? He would rather give others than spend on himself. I keep joking that he is doing penance as he derives joy depriving himself of things to make sure others are happy. Seeing cases of delayed grief and how adverse it's effect can be made me understand why some people get slapped to induce them to cry when they lose someone and do not grieve or show emotions. Your boyfriend may be going through this phase.
DeleteDo u stil need more red flags...? He doesn't seem to be bothered Abt his own blood...den who u think say u be???
ReplyDeleteNot everybody is emotionally attached ,some are strong witted but it could also be a kind of wickedness inborn
ReplyDeleteNo sober reflection at all. Ko daa. Is not good. I don't comment,but I have to drop this.
ReplyDeleteHmmmmm i hope he doesnt explode one day sha
ReplyDeleteAbort mission sister i said arbort mission..he is very hard this one that did not cry for his brother's death.. hmmmmm just pick ur slippers and run..
ReplyDeleteMust he cry ????
DeleteQuit.
ReplyDeleteNot because he is bad as a person, but because you are not compatible in two areas that matter to you - not listening to spouse opinion and not showing emotions as you value.
You have heard of "explain taya"? If you marry him, "you go explain AND talk taya".
Mr. Mann
People grieve differently.If he doesn't cry ,that's the way he's wired.Does that make him a bad or wicked person? I don't think so.
ReplyDeletePeople grieve differently.If he doesn't cry ,that's the way he's wired.Does that make him a bad or wicked person? I don't think so.
ReplyDeleteCrying is not the only show of grieving. Crying shouldn't even be trusted as authentic grief, because many ppl can cry on command and it means nothing. Also, like yawning crying is affective, so some ppl are crying simply because others are. The most intense show of grief is weight loss and aging. Mental irregularities and a whole host of other displays that do no not involve crying. Most ppl will cry but most will not lose weight or age. But anybody who is grieving will show it intentionally or unintentionally, like joy, grief is hard to hide, especially to a perceptive person.
DeletePoster for Stella advice pls don't go on with the marriage plan. Even if he will not shed tears but at least he supposed to show some kind of feelings or inner pains. This is a whole a human being fa.
ReplyDeleteHow do you measure someone.’s inner pain nau?
DeleteA man that doesn't listen to anyone is a big red flag.
ReplyDeleteHmmmm
ReplyDeleteYour guy lacks empathy,this should be a red flag. ..
I know people grieve differently but his own seems like psycho sh***t.
ReplyDeletePeople deal with issues differently, especially in this case of tragedy.
ReplyDeleteHe's probably going through a lot of processing at the moment.
Leave him be, abegg.😎
That's how you people will see fire and chook hand inside and be crying up and down later. A man that cannot feel his own brothers death,is it you he will feel for? This kind of man..you will be sick and he won't even tell you sorry. You will.need a shoulder to lean on and he won't be there to provide it. You will be hungry and he won't care less. The poster knows the man more than you do but you are the one who is telling her not to be bothered as people process things differently.
DeleteAnon 17.12 💯💯💯. My ex is like that...heart of stone. The only emotion he shows is anger.
DeleteI was thinking he was using some form of stoicism to deal with his pain. However, when you stated he was leaving his base on the day of the funeral that I found extremely strange. Even if they were not particularly close it is natural for the close family members to be around to support the parents and receive the guests. Do not tell him how to behave or ask him anything on the matter again. You haven't known him long and who knows the truth. Yes his behaviour is concerning and it is perfectly okay to move on from this now rather than later.
ReplyDeleteI left for my dad's burial in that same day.
DeleteIt's not a big deal. You don't even know how that brother treated him.
Because you left for your dad's funeral same day doesn't make it any less strange. If you parent died and the day you showed your face is on the day of the funeral it is strange. Most employers offer bereavement leave. Obviouly if you are sick, on your own deathbed or dealing with something extreme then that is different. But it is strange under normal circumstances and even if a million ppl behave like that it will still be strange.
DeleteYes, you are right I do not know their relationship, but I don't have to know because all the poater asked is if they should be worried, and they should.
Nothing is strange my dear. Everything was set and arrangement made . Na in carry life for head . The way I see life is not the way others do .
DeleteSet and arranged and still strange my dear. But you and God knows your heart and that is all that matters. Even in strange ways it’s between you and God.
DeleteI have seen people,that don't show physical emotions but they're hurting. And you will know but this flagrant display from your man is very worrisome. Siblings?🤔🤔🤔
ReplyDeleteI don't think there's a black and white to this.
ReplyDeleteI don't cry. No matter what happens I can't shed a tear. Even when I lost someone. I may just sit sober, but typically I go and sleep and everyone just thinks I'm unaffected.
Now for him not wanting to go earlier, I can't blame him. Grief has a way of dealing with people. He may just want to avoid all the crowd crying and all.
I don't believe that makes him a bad person. That is just how he his.
Everyone has how they feel and want to be. I suggest if you can't take this. Then bounce.
But I'll suggest you engage him. Talk to him, console him. It mustn't be until he cries. Most men don't cry. (toxic masculinity)
Encourage him, see eh, people that are not sharing it doesn't mean they're not feeling it. Comfort him, sit with him in silence, hold his hands, pray with him.
Pay attention, he may just be sighing now and then. It's all in his chest.
Then again, I don't know your partner, you do. But this is just an advice.. I am that way, so.... I guess.
My condolences to him
HYDROGEN
YOU ARE VERY WISE.
DeleteBLESS YOU🙏
This!
DeleteStella, I expect a better response. People grieve differently. And it is unfair to expect him to grieve the same way everyone grieves. I lost my father, all my siblings cried except me, does that mean I hate him? No. Was I heartbroken, yes, did I make noise like all others, no. God did not create everyone the same way o. Also, madam, dont just tell him that he should go a day before, ngwanu, have you given him "burial assistant", do you know if he really has the financial resources or he s just covering up like most men do?let me stop here so other bvs can write too
ReplyDeleteEverything has an energy. Even if you don't cry grief has a look. It may show in physical appearance, loss of appetite, distraction, lack of concentration, irritability, self medication, drinking, smoking, hysteria...etc..Grief will show if it exist.
DeleteAttending the burial on the burial date is also being wired differently.
ReplyDeleteWired ko rewire ni
Please listen to Larry's comment. Never marry anyone that nobody can talk to. When I was getting married during the "iju ese" part, my parents went themselves to the man's village. I remember my dad coming back to tell me that I shouldn't marry the guy. His reason was " nobody can talk to him". As a young girl in love, I thought it was the dumbest reason ever. My dear after the traditional wedding, living with him and planning my white wedding, I started seeing what my dad meant. I eventually left before the white wedding abeg. I will tell you categorically that if that man could listen to people or me, it would have worked. Maybe! The Eze onye agwa name attitude killed us. I also can't deal with non emotional people or people that lack empathy. When you mourn, you mourn alone and it's hard when you are expecting your man to support you.
ReplyDeleteDon't ever marry anyone that doesn't listen to anyone because like the girl I know he will treat you the same way & you will run away from the marriage
DeleteThe most complex B
Not everyone cries when someone dies.. People grieve differently. Him not crying is not the issue at all. The issue is attending the burial on the burial day. Family crises, they're not that close in their family that's why he's doing that. secondly, having no one to talk to him is also an issue. However he was raised, he will pass it down to his own family, he's already showing signs of not being a family person. To cut it all short, he's a cold person.
ReplyDeleteTo stay or not to is your decision to make. You can't change him, his own is looking like follow come. If you love him you can manage him but if the love is not that strong, it will only get worse in marriage when eye don clear.
Dear poster run away from any human that does not listen to anybody, it is a very huge red flag. When you marry him, he will also not listen to you or anybody, can you stand it??????
ReplyDeleteHe used his brother for ritual. Baba warned him not see his his corpse that’s why he can’t go a day before.
ReplyDeleteBetter run for your life.
What if he cries just to please you people what if cries crocodile tears you won't know. Na fake people fit una. Is he caring by nature ?
DeleteOmg. How do you come up with this?😱😱😱
DeleteI disagree with some of your comments. My sister is being buried today I didn't attend because I can't bear to see a younger one being buried in a box. And there's an evil family member there among the mourners.the point is even people who didn't like the person is there crying crocodile tears. Although I've been to the morgue to see her earlier. Am I grieving? Of course I am.the part of the guy not listening to anyone is the only red flag.
ReplyDelete
DeleteWhen I was 10 my cousin died, he was 10 too. I had to attend the funeral, no choice and I did a scripture reading. His casket was open all through the service at the church, that is how they did it in those days. I was looking right at him and that was the hardest thing I ever had to get through. Folks are stronger than they think.
Na that type dey marry one month after their wife died
ReplyDeleteAnd marrying because they are depressed and grieving the loss of their beloved wife🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
DeleteThis is serious! Poster pls run away ooo.dont even gamble it.
ReplyDeletePls find out well,before you make any rash decisions. Remember you said you're
ReplyDeletejust getting to know him.
He may have had a very bad experience with his brother while alive.
Another reason may be hes processing the pain by not showing his emotions outwardly...
Last but not the least ... He lacks empathy.... of this you must be wary.
I have people that can talk to me o..I have people im answerable to but I have not lost someone nor know how to cry when people die.im not callous and people that know me know that I am one of the most loving,empathetic and sweet men ever but that cry?naa
ReplyDeleteI have an aunt that didn’t cry nor showed emotion when our grandma (her mom) died. She was the one that took care of her all thru her sickness, but she didn’t shed a tear wen we lost her. She didn’t even look like she grieved. Infact because i am close to that aunt, on the day she died and was buried, cos we r muslims, my aunt gave me the new clothes she bought for me to wear. I was 10 then, fast forward to now, i am in my 20s and still close to that aunt, she is the only one that still does good deeds in memory of our grand ma, i dnt think even my mom that was behaving like she was also going to die, when she was told of grandma’s death, remembers her as much as that my aunt.
ReplyDeleteEvery Ramadan, she feeds plenty people, in the name of our grandma, and prays that almighty Allah takes the reward to her mom( our grandma)
So the point i’m trying to make is, ppl are different, there are those that would burst out laughing when you tell them bad news, someone like me, would on the spot start feeling sleepy. I would sleep like a dead person. So cut him some slack and give him space to mourn in his own way not ur own way.
The only red flag i see is him not listening to anybody. That’s how my dad is, and it was really tough growing up, cos he didn’t have anybody u cud report him to, cos he won’t listen to.
Finally, you dnt know how dysfunctional their family was, family dynamics r different. I have siblings that, i wud not cry wen they die, if i manage to attend their funeral, i might just breeze in n out like we are nt related.
If you are with any man/woman who doesn't listen or pay attention to anyone please share goodness in fellowship with them. For his attitude towards the death of his brother could be his way of life, some people when they lose loved ones they pretend to be okay but deep down they are not okay. The day such people will breakdown, it will take thr gracebof God to hold them back on track.
ReplyDeleteJust give him some time with the death of his brother but for his attitude of not listening to anyone make sure you share goodness in fellowship once the burial is over.
Aunty dem don advise you follow their advise live the guy now,there are so many people that are silent when they open up you will be surprise to here their story
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you noticed all these things on time.. please PICK RACE
ReplyDeleteMy dear, just RUN!. Don't listen to all the people grieve different...RUN!. He is emotionally dead. To avoid depression, run. I have been there.😢
ReplyDeleteThere are two separate issues I see being mixed up. His penchant for not taking advice or “listening to any relative” and your interpretation of him as being emotionally vacant based on his reaction to his brother’s death. Please read my comment carefully in case he is a good man being judged by a single event. Many here never attended their parents funerals as they had immigration issues and the sky did not fall. Americans serve snacks and coffe at funerals but set up endowments to benefit generations of others in memory of their loved ones. They are not as openly emotional as we are.
ReplyDeleteI left for boarding school at 10, university at 15, till today, I have no real relationship with most of my siblings except my late youngest sibling who lived with me for years before I relocated & way before she got married. At 9 I was physically abused with the consent of my dad and mom and my other siblings apart from the youngest saw me as the family ATM for decades.
When the youngest was struggling with infertility & health issues, the reactions of the others broke whatever feelings I had that made me so sacrificial. It left me wondering if that is how they would have treated me if that was me. They were indifferent to her plight. I begged my mom to go to camp to pray. She refused to go with the support of others. My youngest sister died lonely & broken hearted. I was a broken person, I changed towards the rest till date. I blamed myself for not doing “stuff” like adoption to change her name & relocating with her decades before. The behavior of my parents/siblings in the aftermath are long stories. My dad died a little over a year after her. I was still mourning my sister not really my dad. I still cannot look at old albums because of her. My mom & siblings killed 5 cows to bury my dad a year after. I sent money though I was not in agreement with such insensitivity. We just lost our youngest sister (in her 30s) a year before. I was still in grief. They obviously had forgotten her! One said not to mention her name on a phone call again! They overruled my protest to keep dad’s funeral simple since he lost one of us before he died, every good parent’s nightmare! contributed my share but did not travel from here to the village, the place of my trauma. My mom the enabler died & the usual dominant voices want to keep her in the morgue for months to bury her, they impose their will once it’s Owanbe. This is why a friend’s brother found no morgue to put his late high profile brother’s body years ago & a former gov had to intervene. He didn’t even remember they now have private ones in his grief. Bizarre culture of freezing the dead for months to throw party. In these days of kidnapping in the area they want to throw a big summer party! I grieved my mother in law more than I’m grieving my mom. She thought the male child was the only one entitled to success & was never genuinely happy at my early success. Her “prayer” was “ that my brother will pull his siblings “behind”” not sure I’m capturing the curse disguised as prayer in English. I still mourn my sister & ache when I see her namesakes comment. Her bestie asked if she can send me some of their joint pics while in Naija. I wanted her to come here for treatment but her hubby always never allowed her alone. I still cannot get over how the kindest among us was treated. I was shocked at how the rest of the family treated her kind soul. I shed a tear when my mom died, like my dad’s own and nothing. The abuse, manipulation and diabolical nature are factors that break some bonds. “Blood is thicker than water” is a saying Nigerians use when it favors their manipulating cause.
My point, you do not know the relationship history between them or family dynamics. Many have no idea of the physical abuse I went through as a 9 year old which still affects me decades later. My mom dismissed it, my “exposed” siblings did the same but when they needed me to be there, I was there. You should see if this is a one-off case that was based on something you have no idea about before you lose a good man.