Hmmm......
ADVICE NEEDED
Hi Stella pls help me post as a chronicle I need advice from your community.
I’ve been married for almost a decade. My husband works and is based in another state while I work and live here with the kids. He comes homes as often as he gets off.
So far I’ve never had any reason to doubt his faithfulness. I know his passwords. And he never tries to be sneaky with his phone.
Few years ago I was diagnosed of cancer and have been undergoing chemotherapy. He has been super supportive. He’s home more often now. Takes care of the kids when I’m down. Takes care of the medical bills and all. Without complaints.
My Drs and Nurses have always told me how lucky I am to have him. Like he’s been super supportive. He makes sure I lacked nothing this period and always advocated for me, the best available medical care was what he always got for me.
Thankfully I’m getting better and my Drs are very confident I will beat this soon.
Here’s to my dilemma. I recently had a boil in my private part that turned out to be h#rpes. I have never cheated on my husband. Not even emotional or any thing close.
I’m devastated. The Chemo had my immune compromised and the flair up was really bad. Other than this I have no evidence of him cheating and infecting me with this.
From my research, this could not have been gotten from a toilet as it’s said the virus doesn’t survive outside it’s human host and sadly there’s no treatment for it rather it’s lifelong management. It has cleared now and just a scar left in the spot.
Other than this I have no evidence of him cheating and infecting me with this. His call log is clean. Bank statements show no trace of anything out of place.
How do I confront him with this?
If there’s even a chance that he’s innocent I would really come off as ungrateful after how much he’s stood by me through this tough time.
I also feel like if I go asking him and he’s been up to something he can deny and get better at hiding since he knows I’ve become suspicious of him and might be looking.
How do I handle this??
WOW!!!....This is a tough one....let me read comments.
Thank God for giving you another chance. The only for you to know the truth is for him to take the test and the result shared with you present.
ReplyDeleteIf it happens that he is guilty and pleads for forgiveness,forgive him.
Madam, I love how you took your time to outline his good side and all his has been doing. It’s wonderful you didn’t take them for granted. I had to comment, though very late due to my time difference, because I read of your health challenges.
DeleteIf what I have come to know, especially about health, is true, Sweetheart, your biggest asset is your POSITIVITY. From my research, it’s also very possible for a long suppressed virus became active when your treatment compromised your immunity.
That aside, the last thing you should bother yourself with in this condition is doing anything at all to create any form of tension in your marriage. You will be shocked at how any form of negativity will take a catastrophic toll on you.
Take out a notebook and everyday, go far into your memory as far as you can and try to remember everything you are grateful for, in your heath, childhood, your marriage, your children, friends, write, write, write and write. Let writing about your good experiences and and blessings consume you. You have an angel for a husband and that must be permanently carved into your heart and mind. You have absolutely no business writing this chronicle.
Invest in your happiness, invest in the love in your marriage, invest in counting your blessings.
And Madam, if you by any chance think what I wrote make sense and you want to practice this written gratitude (which I highly recommend), it will be wise to stay off toxic environments, stay away from people who bring up ideas and suggestions that rile up bad ideas in your head. Only read social media posts but stay far from comment sections please. You can buy “the Secret to Love, Health and Money “ by Rhonda Byrne. Check it on Konga or Jiji and take charge of every cell in your body and make them work. Yes, it’s all in your hands. Kiss your husband and kids for me.❤️
DeleteMadam you can't eat your cake and still have it ;choose one confront him and if he said no ,you loose his care or just forget asking him and pretend as if you don't complain.It is a hard decision
ReplyDeleteOnly confront him if you’re a virgin. If you’re not, you might have actually caught it yourself years ago…
DeleteShe can't lose his care if she doesn't accuse him. She should just let him know what happened to her before she gets HIV/AIDS from him
Delete@Goke, your comment sounds cold hearted, you made it look as if he's doing her a favour by standing by her during her ill health, marriage is for better and for worse (not in the case of domestic violence though) and to me she has every right to disclose what she suffered to her husband without fear of being seen as ingrate.
DeleteYou suppose focus on God for giving you 2nd chance rather than chasing wetin no lost
DeleteWhy looking for something that's not lost? What do you women really want? I guess if cancer was transferable from one person to another, you would have also suspect or even accuse him of giving it to you.
ReplyDeleteMadam, why not rest since there's no reason to suspect him. If there's a reason, your worries would have been justified. When men become good husband to their wife, you women still find a way to punish them. If he's not providing, you will still find a way to rubbish him.
You have his phone's password and haven't seen any trace to warrant your suspicion neither does his account statement shows any. Why not rest eehn fine woman.
Make una dey calm down now. If you finally know he's cheating, what next will you do? Leave him for another man who probably is a saint right?
Sometimes I feel women don't really know what they want in life.Well let me read your fellow women advise you on how to tear down your happy home.
© TEEJAY
So where did she get the Herpes from?
DeleteCos you are already sounding like you are sure the husband is innocent.
Did you read up there about her contracting herpes. Don't you know it is something that could have been gotten through sex. She is sure if her fidelity that her husband is the only man she's sleeping with so she is right to be suspicious.
DeleteSee how you watered down her feelings about her health into a gender war. This is not nice
Chichi,
DeleteAnd her husband is the only man she ever slept with in this life. So you don't know herpes can be dormant in a body for so long. Come on!!! We're all educated na, what if she had contacted it before marrying that man? Did she say she married a virgin?
Where's the gender war in my comment? Some of you women always see a diverse opinion from yours as a gender war. If a man has put up this chronicle, you women will also exonerate and justify the woman involved.
All I'm saying is that, she shouldn't create a problem to herself. She should be concerned on her healing. So after confronting him what next?
Abeggy abeggy abeggy.
© TEEJAY
Teejay, is herpes transmittable or not? She should keep quiet about it until she gets infected with HIV just because she doesn't want to offend someone that stood by her when she was I'll? You think the woman wouldn't take care of her husband if he was the one down with cancer?
DeleteYou Teejay, if you find out your wife is cheating, what next will you do? Leave her for another woman who probably is a saint right?
DeleteI noticed uou Love to ask women who suspects they might have a cheating spouse this nonsensical question all the time just to mock or silence them up but how about you ask yourself the same thing.
And what if her husband is the only man she has slept with? Look at you talking with so much confidence like you know her. Asking us if she said she was a virgin. Okay, I am asking you too, Did she also say she wasn't a virgin? How did you know her husband wasn't her first? For you to jump into conclusions like that you must know her very well so...Tell us nah. You are accusing her for making assumptions meanwhile you are also doing the same thing. Asking if it was a man if this would have been chichi's response but why don't you ask yourself if it was a man, if you would have responded the way you did.
DeletePoster don't let anyone try to make you look stupid or guilty - trip you based on assumptions.
So tough, Herpes destroyed me too but God came through.it infected me in all part of my body and still comes out.its better now.i almost committed suicide.i was faithful but looking for fruit of the womb.i had miscarriage and my immune system was very low when the idiot I married infected me because I didn't know what it was,I never heard about it, I didn't know how to treat myself so it infected ever part of me.its rare but it happened to me.I couldn't date anyone when he left me eventually for fear of not infecting another person.it was a tough road.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry anon.
DeleteHow are you now? Have you finally moved on? You now have a child? Pls don't let that pull you down in life. Pick up the pieces of your life and make something good in your life.
This is the reason I left my husband guy becomes a sex tourist when he visits naija. Very disgusting specimen
DeleteSo sorry about all that. 🤗🤗
DeleteThanks,I eventually had my kids through surrogate because with my rate of infection it could affect them.
DeleteCongratulations anoy so happy for you, some men are wicked.
DeleteThank God you are getting better now..
ReplyDeleteWhy not concentrate on Ur healings first..
Tell him about it and be watchful,if hes the one that infected you,he will wants to confront the person he's with immediately..you will get Ur evidence..
Therapy and counselling will do,he is a wonderful husband..
Dear Poster,
ReplyDeleteThank God for your recovery from cancer treatment........As you rightly pointed out, your immune system has been weakened by chemotherapy, making you more susceptible to various infections, including herpes......
Please don’t be quick to conclude that your husband is the source of the infection; this situation requires further investigation and understanding..... There are two main types of herpes:
1. Sexually transmitted herpes
2. Non-sexually transmitted herpes (e.g., through sharing towels, kissing, or close contact with an infected person)
It is also important to note the following possibilities:
A. Asymptomatic Herpes - You may have contracted the virus in the past without knowing, and it only became active now due to your weakened immunity.....
B. Hospital-Acquired Infection - If you received care at home or were admitted to a hospital during treatment, it’s possible the infection came from a caregiver or healthcare setting....
I encourage you to have an open and calm conversation with your husband about the situation......More importantly, both of you should speak with your doctor to get medical clarity and guidance on how best to move forward.......
You are blessed with a supportive husband, and I believe that together, with love, patience, and clear communication, you will come through this stronger.....
Wishing you continued healing and a full recovery.
Congratulations in advance!
All the best
P.S Toilet infections are rare....You can't get herpes from an unclean public toilet....
Thanks for this Phoenix
DeletePoster read this well.
You should tell him and take him for tests so they can check whether he has it too. You may even be the one that has it from years back when your immune system was not compromised yet. Be calm about it.
Nice enlightenment Phoenix
DeletePoster here we have what I consider best advice and steps to take.
DeletePoster you still need to tell him. You should not hide anything from him, it doesn't matter if he is innocent or not. You would tell him that you don't know how you got it and considering your health, it is very dangerous to get infected with any form of STI.
ReplyDeleteIf he is cheating, he would protect himself and desist from infecting you with STIs.
You need to let him know for the sake of your own health.
Poster see this advice
DeleteThank you Medussa.
DeleteMadam you might have caught it yourself years ago, I hope your husband confronts you sef. So you can taste what you’re planning for him
ReplyDeleteA lot of you just lack emotional intelligence and can’t express yourselves without being rude. Even when it’s absolutely unnecessary.
DeletePO didn’t even say anything bad in anyway against her husband but she s in a situation that she clearly can’t ignore.
Poster isn’t telling him for him to get tested get help or anything. She has made up her mind he is cheating and planning to “confront” him.
DeleteIf she got it years ago, did she get it while married to him? Did she cheat on him?
DeleteThanks for the enlightenment!
DeleteI think you will have to keep watching and waiting since you're unsure of what's going on.
ReplyDeleteI pray the Lord heals you real quick, however, I'll advise you relocate to where he is or he moves back. Staying apart as a family is never cool. It is well.
Sorry dear, my dear you will need all his support and care since you are battling that demon, let him know that they just diagnosed you of herpes which he might not know that he has, just tell him he should be careful outside there.
ReplyDeleteHmm...I have a question, what are the tests to take to screen for STIs and STDs as a woman? I have engaged in a lot of kissing, i have also given and received head, but I have not had sexual Intercourse. Can I also do this at a standard lab or should I go to the hospital. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteAnd this one too will call herself virgin o or Celibate.
DeleteGo to lab and tell them you wan to do general test.
Mumu, did she call herself a virgin?? You just have problem.
DeleteMadam, you can have herpes for years and not know that you have it, especially if you have a strong immune system. You only knew you had herpes because chemotherapy affected your immune system.
ReplyDeleteThere is a possibility that you contracted herpes before you met your husband. You had it all along but the symptoms didn't show. Even if you married as a virgin, but you used to kiss your exes, herpes can be contracted from kissing.
Exactly what I wanted to say but in all have a conversation with you husband so that he will get tested too
DeleteMadam you need to handle this with wisdom. I will advice you inform him but don't sound like you are accusing him of cheating. Just let him know that you can't hide anything from him and that you don't know how you contracted it. You may need to visit a hospital together for the doctor to shed more light on it and also get him tested in case he also got it, to prevent you from getting reinfected.
ReplyDeleteYou can't accuse him,of what you are not certain about.
ReplyDeleteJust concentrate on your healing. Don't cause unnecessary rift in your family by your own hand.
ReplyDeleteSo there are different strains of herpes simplex,when picked up,it remains dormant in your body unless you get a flared up triggered by a weaken immune system..you probably had it even in your youthful years while being sexually active,it doesn't have to be from your current partner however as far nil triggers it remains dormant and inactive...I would advise don't go accusing your husband..most young females picked up herpes ,human papiloma virus ...and others during youthful age while sexually active
ReplyDeleteThe first flair up usually appears thé period it’s contacted and usually the worst. After that with a strong immune system it goes dormant except when immunity is compromised again.
DeleteSo if the poster has never had an incident of it in her life at all, that is something
Herpes is something that can lay dormant in your body for decades and then show up. I imagine the toll the chemo placed on your immune system is what triggered the outbreak. Yes, there is also a possibility that you were infected before you even met your husband, if you were sexually involved prior to marriage. You mentioned only one boil, herpes usually is a cluster of bumps, although there are different strains. Are you certain it was herpes? Anyhow, you must tell your husband so that he can get tested. Insist on condoms going forward.
ReplyDeletePlease consider that he may not have cheated, but he may have had the virus dormant in him and it flared up. A conversation must be had between you two.
To whom it may concern:
ReplyDeleteEmotional blackmail is not good.
Poster why do you want to spoil a beautiful thing going. He stood by you through all let it stay that way. Ok lets say you find out or he deny it. To what end.
ReplyDeletethere's no need confronting him because he will deny it. avoid unprotected sex from him. and when he ask, you tell him what you went through. he will understand that you already know. because for someone who has been supportive, confronting him should be the least on your mind.
ReplyDeleteAll the best. that doesn't mean i support cheating. it's just to avoid wahala and your peace of mind
You have to tell him
ReplyDeleteNot confront. Tell
So he won’t a chronicle about how the wife he loved on infected him. You know you didn’t cheat. You don’t know if he cheated
This might be his get out of jail card. If you tell him then if he’s a “good” guy that’s up to no good, this will make him stop. You should also tell him so he can get tested
Doctor here!
ReplyDeleteHave you ever had "cold sores" on your lips? Or what yoruba people call "iba"? That is Herpes too- same as the one people can get on their genitals. So, if you have ever kissed someone who has it; and you perform orange sex on each other.....well; you all might have it.
It is in your body FOREVER. Can flare up ANYTIME. (Who knows-you could have gotten it as far back as High school)
Herpes is VERY common. Even children can have it (from kissing their parents)
Best of luck.
HSV 1 cold sores is different from HSV2 genital herpes. Very important. You can have 1 without the other.
DeleteI think if I were you, I wont even bother to ask him anything. I'll rather concentrate on my healing first. You might talk to him in a subtle manner and what if he takes it south, what will now happen to your health after that.
ReplyDeleteThere won't be peace of mind and I dont think you'd want that considering your health at the moment.
Dear Poster,
ReplyDeleteI sympathise with you. In your bid to sound morally right, you subtly already indicted your one-of-a-kind husband and are waiting to pass judgment - the tone as used in expressing your concern was cannily disrespectful. Especially coming from your research, you failed to see the points raised by 'Saint Elsewhere ...' and a few 'Anonymouses'. I apologise for my bluntness, even as it is from a place of love.
Other than that, the situation is delicate, and I feel the weight of it with you. Been through hell and back, and just when you’re catching your breath, this shows up like a slap from nowhere - life can be that cruel sometimes, and with a husband that seemed like the lighthouse - steady, present, loyal? Breathe again. You’re not crazy for questioning this, and you’re not ungrateful either. You’re simply human, facing a strange shadow in a place that should feel safe. Your peace matters.
Viruses don’t wear name tags while acting as a devil's advocate. Herpes isn’t always a mark of betrayal; sometimes, it’s an old ghost awakened by stress or sickness. Meaning it can sleep quietly in the body for years like a snake in tall grass, only striking when the immune fence is down. Chemo might have flung that gate wide open. Don’t toss a stone into a still pond without knowing the ripple it’ll cause.
You owe yourself clarity, not confrontation. So, bring it up gently - not like a prosecutor, but like a woman who values truth over turmoil. Please, this needn't be a witch hunt; it’s a wellness check. Invite him into the conversation, without blame, but out of respect for yourself, for your health, and for what you two have built. Let love anchor this dialogue, so that understanding can be the wind in your sails.
Well said
DeleteAre you sure is from him?Don't spoil the stable relationship between you and your husband.Let it go.
ReplyDeleteI don't know why everyone is trying to sound ...
ReplyDeleteOkay she could have had it years ago and it was dormant but she may not have had it and might have gotten it from her husband recently. It could be one of the the two instances so why is everyone focusing on only the first instance like they are sure that was what happened? Abeg tackle all angles and check all possibilities
Ask him to do the test too,to be sure he is not a carrier,maybe just like someone said up there,it might be through sharing of towel or close contact with the herpes patient or you yourself have it long ago but showing now since your immune is week,be wise.... Josaria
ReplyDelete