TRAPPED
Hi Stella,
Please hide my identity. I am a woman who has been married for 20 years, and my husband is the only man I have ever been with.
Right now, I feel completely trapped in my marriage and I need advice from you and your blog visitors.
The truth is, I no longer have s*xual feelings for my husband. Our relationship feels more like siblings than husband and wife. I even once had a conversation with him about this, telling him our s*x life was dull and it felt like we were just siblings. His reply was that s*x is not important if he loves me, that he is comfortable with me, and that s*x is not a priority in marriage as long as we stick together.
Meanwhile, I know this same man cheats on me and gets better s*x outside. With me, s*x feels like a chore. At one point, he even joked that the kind of s*x he really wants, he can never do it with me because he “respects” me.
The truth is, I no longer have s*xual feelings for my husband. Our relationship feels more like siblings than husband and wife. I even once had a conversation with him about this, telling him our s*x life was dull and it felt like we were just siblings. His reply was that s*x is not important if he loves me, that he is comfortable with me, and that s*x is not a priority in marriage as long as we stick together.
Meanwhile, I know this same man cheats on me and gets better s*x outside. With me, s*x feels like a chore. At one point, he even joked that the kind of s*x he really wants, he can never do it with me because he “respects” me.
I told him plainly that if that’s the issue, he should treat me however he wants in bed, that if he needs an ashawo, I can be his ashawo. But even then, this man couldn’t maintain an er*ction.
To make things worse, when I decided to lose weight for my health and looks, he initially complimented me. But when we tried intimacy, he kept complaining that I was “all bones” and that my skin was too rubbery. He couldn’t release and later accused me of losing weight to look good for other men.
Stella, I am drained. After 20 years, I realize I only love him like a brother, not as a man. I feel trapped in a marriage where intimacy is dead, attraction is gone, and my husband gets what he wants outside but leaves me empty inside. I honestly want out of this marriage
Hmmmm.....I honestly dont know what to tell you at this point....Looks like you cant communicate properly with him......See some marriages after all the love and Intimacy are like this...dont you have kids to focus on? Marriage isnt all about nacking nacking nacking oh........If he is getting it outside and not giving you well then stop giving him until he fixes it...Until work on yourself, look good, feel good and dont let any man pressure you at all...
To make things worse, when I decided to lose weight for my health and looks, he initially complimented me. But when we tried intimacy, he kept complaining that I was “all bones” and that my skin was too rubbery. He couldn’t release and later accused me of losing weight to look good for other men.
Stella, I am drained. After 20 years, I realize I only love him like a brother, not as a man. I feel trapped in a marriage where intimacy is dead, attraction is gone, and my husband gets what he wants outside but leaves me empty inside. I honestly want out of this marriage
Hmmmm.....I honestly dont know what to tell you at this point....Looks like you cant communicate properly with him......See some marriages after all the love and Intimacy are like this...dont you have kids to focus on? Marriage isnt all about nacking nacking nacking oh........If he is getting it outside and not giving you well then stop giving him until he fixes it...Until work on yourself, look good, feel good and dont let any man pressure you at all...
Most happy couples you see live like brother and sister and this is the honest truth.......look for other things to make you happy...
My late mum in law told me a lot of stuff when i was marrying her last born and I am beginning to understand what she meant. reading this your chronicle and others........
Like i said, look for other things to make you happy.....
Please dont use dirty words in the comment section, you can use our codes of gbenshing and nacking et al.
Marriage is Grace.
ReplyDeleteTruly, a time comes in marriage when the relationship feels more like brother and sister. The sexual fire may not burn as it did at the beginning, and it takes conscious effort to keep the spark alive.
At that stage, shift your focus:
Work on yourself.
Stay attractive and confident.
Dress sexy, wear perfumes that turn heads.
Flaunt your beauty, a little cleavage, a mini skirt, those pretty legs.
Don’t always be the one initiating knacking…I bet he will be the one running after you for gbenshing.
Marriage thrives not just on love, but on grace, effort, and intentionality.
There is really nothing in the street o, don't go looking for trouble for yourself and be thanking your God because if you were sick or something you won't be looking for what is not lost and thinking of cheating competition between yourself and your husband .
ReplyDeleteDon’t let his actions drain you. Focus on being happy, healthy, and raising your kids, Marriage shouldn’t steal your joy. Concentrate on yourself and your children, and let him carry his own cross."
ReplyDeleteDear Poster,
ReplyDeleteI can imagine how you feel....The truth is and which I know you can attest to but may have not fully come to terms with, your husband is not s3xually attracted to you.....The truth is as the years go by, your marriage will go through different stages and dynamics...Unfortunately, this is where yours is....
While marriage is primarily known for companionship, I understand your yearnings for him....Here you just have to look out for yourself...I must applaud you for always thriving to be a better version of yourself; now do this for you and teach your children how to be resilient and no more for your husband....It is not easy oh because it is only normal to want to do right by your spouse but please don't get lost in it because you will lose your self-worth....
Anytime he wants to be intimate, please always protect yourself; don't lose guard....It is usually the innocent spouse that is the worst causality in this cheating game....
All the best and May God give you wisdom and strength....
Because of years of see finish ,most marriages are like this especially with grownup children and bills to pay .Just look for other things to attend to; even divorce can't fix it but an honest talk about him cheating on you may fix it.Let him knows you know
ReplyDeletePre-occupy your mind with some other things that will make you happy and stop placing a huge demand on yourself to satisfy your Husband in za oza room.
ReplyDeleteDodo
It's well with you.
ReplyDeleteDress like ashewo and see if he will not be enticed. Perhaps, your body puts him off or he is no longer attracted to you same way you feel about him.
Focus on other areas and get a dildo for your pleasure.
Let just keep hnmming because... my mind is dirrrrty at the moment.
ReplyDeletePoster I'm a man. It is time to leave. There is nothing you can do that will ever make your husband sexually attracted to you again. It is not really about your weight. You were never his spec and that's the truth.
ReplyDeleteYour marriage is over. Whether you want to see what is staring you in the face is up to you.
I am a man. Intimacy in marriage is your right. It's not a privilege. If he's not fulfilling his role, two things should happen.
Delete1. Demand it respectfully. Do everything in your power to get it.
2. Kill your desire. This is a cruel and unusual punishment. Any marriage without Intimacy (where one or both parties is unwilling to render his due) is a dead matter.
Pursue what you want. Pursue it vigorously. My four daughters are of marriageable age. I will stand by their decisions whenever and wherever such thing occurs.
Marriage is not a play ground for master and servant. Fellow men be guided. If you ill-treat your wife, don't bother praying. God hates your prayers!
Im a man too.
DeleteAfter 20 years, leave and go where? Bros, leave and go where?
After 20 Years leave marriage bcos of nacking. U never nack ooo. Nackdimous. Wetin woman want self. I see ur living the life financially na nack be ur issues
DeleteThis marriage matter don dey too much , why nah , madam please focus on Anything that will make u Happy. Look for some Training u can do just keep Busy and Stay Happy 😁 Bico . Odiegwu wahala no dey finish
ReplyDeleteThe best thing to do is to look after yourself and ignore him. He has a madonna/whore complex that many men have and you are a madonna, mother of his children and nothing else. It may take other men seeing you as a very attractive, sexual being to ignite his interest again, but that will be very short lived as it will be based on ownership. Is all this worth breaking your marriage over is what you need to ask yourself.
ReplyDeleteI have read here of people that had similar experiences like yours and how they changed their looks attitude etc and their partners became afraid and started manning up. Can you apply those principles and see if that works.
ReplyDeleteListen, reading your post sef I’m already unattracted to you. You sound like a woman that likes to have a pity party. Why are you clinging to every compliment or yab your husband gives you?? I’m so annoyed. If your husband doesn’t want to have intimacy with you, then stop initiating it and begging him to do like his babes outside. Are you a child??? There is absolutely no difference physically between you and those ladies he meets outside. The difference is those women are confident and exude s*xual aura. While you, you are at home throwing a pity party following him around like a puppy begging him to find you attractive. And he is clearly taking advantage of it.
ReplyDeleteIf you’ll apply these things I write, you’ll see a change and shift in your marriage soon.
Aunty, lose weight. Ignore his comments about bones, lose weight so you look so good in clothes that even you will feel beautiful any time you get dressed up to go out. Start getting your hair done regularly, get your nails 💅🏽 done. Change your entire underwear collection. Wear laces and feminine underwear. Walk around the house like you’re that B*t*h!!!
And remove your mind from nacking for now. Like Stella said, focus and preoccupy yourself with other things. Don’t even fight your husband, use kindness and warmth in responding and communication. If he accuses you of cheating, smile and don’t even argue. Continue to find and draw your happiness from within.
Once he notices you don’t follow him around anymore begging like a lost puppy, he will come looking for you. And even then, make sure you NEVER lose yourself again.
Men like and are attracted to confident women who know their worth, not women who are like clay in their hand that they can mould anytime.
Come back and give us your testimony after applying these things. Goodluck! 👍🏾
Very good
DeleteSeek the help of a marriage counsellor before you walk out. Your needs are valid, it's not like you can just up and go sleep with another person when you are married considering the vows. He is an inconsiderate person and borderline mean. I wonder why he chose to marry you if he did not have any physical passion for you. I don't like his blaming of your body and I am not sure why men think they cannot have wild seck with their wife, why the wife deserve some boring shyt but he gives wild to the outsiders. Here you are nto even getting the boring and he is giving all of himself to strange women. This is horrible, because fi his azz was to land up with some malaise the outsider would forget him like yesterday's fart. Seen it so many times, married men thinking they are hot shyt until one bad accident or illness reach them, not one of the outsiders to do shyt, they run so fast, then the wives are left to care for them. Your husband needs to do better and not deny you intimacy. I am sure he doesn't look the same as he did 20 years ago. I am sure he probably has long balls, and hair growing out of strange parts of his body but here talking about you whose body went through the rigours of pregnancy and that's why it is different.
ReplyDeleteIf your finances are in good order and you can walk without limping then go for it. Don't be quick to jump out of it if you are not on solid ground, cause the global economies are shaky. If you can stay and build a house of your own on his dime as pay back for all the years of cheating then that may be the best option. Build yourself off him same way he is trampling on your self-esteem.
U go chop nacking na. Go on vacation, trips and dinner. Nackdimous
ReplyDeleteHello Poster,
ReplyDeleteYour story is not just about “phases in marriage.” Yes, many marriages reach a point where the spark dims, passion cools, and routine takes over - but that is not a place to pitch your tent. What you describe is deeper: a husband who cheats, disrespects, and withholds intimacy, leaving you starved of love so loudly that even silence feels heavy is emotional and sexual neglect.
Some men marry women they are never fully attracted to but who they believe will make good wives and great mothers. They then scatter their desire elsewhere, while their homes remain empty and forlorn. No perfume, cleavage, or roleplay can revive such men who have already chosen not to value their wives. He has shifted intimacy and satisfaction outside, at the expense of his vows.
We Nigerians don’t readily turn to therapists, in such situations - I know. But has your silence fared any better, for the sake of being married? If you cannot pursue counselling, find a trusted elder who won’t cover for him but will speak truth.
Try to protect yourself while you both explore healthy communication and amicable resolution: his lifestyle puts your health at risk, and disease does not respect loyalty. Again, stop bending yourself to fit into his “spec.” - you're obviously not.
Staying “for the children” while you are dying inside only teaches them that marriage can be lived as a punishment, and leaving is a shameful choice rather than a means to an end. Children learn by watching. Let them see that self-respect sets the standard for love, sacrifice, and tolerance.
Start rebuilding your life emotionally, financially, and spiritually if you haven't already begun. Just so if he continues disenabling your self-worth and you choose to walk away, you can stand tall, without fear of crawling.
I know how lonely and vulnerable twenty years of this must feel. But two decades of loyalty do not mean you must serve a life sentence of misery - haba. It means you gave your best. Sometimes, the most courageous act is to walk away - because preserving your dignity is the truest expression of womanhood.
Then again, if not that you said you know he cheats - presumably with women. I might have sworn that he could codedly be an agege - your narration shows a man who shares similar traits. They also legally get married and have children these days.
Why not cheat too
ReplyDeleteNnenne he has developed some weird fetish. Maybe he likes eating poo,who knows.
ReplyDeleteSnoop and find out what is, if you are interested.
If not, then its marriage counselling then divorce if it doesn't work out