EGG DONOR
Good day Stella,
I am in serious dilemma with my male friend who is married. I am a female and I have known this man for let’s say 11 years.
We met in university. He was one of the biggest help I had then. He had a car then and everytime I needed him, he was always there for me.
He helped me use his car to move my things from hostel to off campus then and so many errands.
We lost touch after uni. And we rekindled our relationship about three years ago. We randomly met in another state and he has a good job now and he is married . We became friends again and this guy had not changed. Genuinely nice and He’s there for me. Just like uni days. He would help me financially and call to check up on me and he would use his job to help me solve life issues.
His wife stays in another state maybe like 2 hours away we hadn’t talked deep about it because I didn’t want to press on but I know he has been married for about 7 years now or so.l and they don’t have a child.
Yesterday I posted my nieces picture and he jokingly said he can’t wait for me to have mine and I jokingly replied that I don’t want. He said come give me your eggs now and bvs this is how joke turned serious. He is telling me to pls help him with my eggs so that they can conceive. He called me to talk about it and send me some articles too about the procedure and everything.
I told him I would think about it. I called 2 friends after to discuss it. one a male (his sperm) and one a female (her eggs) to ask if they could make that kind of sacrifice for a friend in need and they both said they couldn’t. That it would be odd to know you have a child out there and not have anything to do with it.
And that I should decline the help. I really understand their points but the issue is I can’t just shake the feeling that I need to help this guy. I feel like if there is anyone I. This entire world that deserves a child it should be him. He looks after everyone and I feel he genuinely should have kids of his own to extend that love to. The male friend I called said that my friend shouldn’t have put me In this situation which I know is true.
Now I don’t know what to do. I am not married though but trusting God it will happen for me. But what if I never get married or never have kids? If I see this man and his wife with the child how would I feel? I don’t know what to do.
Please I need opinions on this and how to go about this whole situation. Thank you...
DO NOT AGREE TO THIS AS YOU WILL NEVER HAVE PEACE OF MIND...There are fertility clinics that sell eggs, tell him to go and buy there and cut off totally from him...Such sacrifices are better if you do not know the person and you will never set eyes on the child.
Please do not do it and do not ever cross the line by sleeping with him.....Before he may have helped you out of goodwill but now the help has a transactional alert so please put an end to it and cease all convos with him on this.....Protect your mental health and end it.
I am curious why he has interest in your eggs particularly. One of the biggest selling points of assisted fertility programs is that the offer extended degrees of anonymity for intending donors and recipients. Couples so challenged that they can't produce viable eggs or sperm can get them with the help of the clinic without ever meeting the donor of such.
ReplyDeleteThough your story seems to allude to your relationship with him being romantic at some point. I think you need clarity from him why he thinks you are a perfect fit.
Don't burn a bridge that has been there for you all this while.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?????WHICH BRIDGE? YOU EQUATE LIFE TO FINANCIAL HELP???
DeletePOSTER DONT DO IT!!!
Stella, the poster wasn't exactly clear on the nature of their 'relationship' and moreso it needs to be asked, how comfortable and permissible was that relationship even when the man is married, that he can easily ask her for her eggs?
DeleteIf it was an intimate relationship, then there is more to it than just donating eggs.
A man who asks for your egg to birth his child with his wife, loves his wife to the end of the world and back.
ReplyDeleteYou are catching feelings…lol
Look at you
Everything he did for is something Okada or Keke bus would’ve easily done. You are attaching emotions to his kindness
Since he know about eggs and has done his research, he should know where to get them.
Do the maths
A smart young man
Educated and well read
Has money
A wife he loves
Exposed
Mature
Then he wants a baby, he is asking you………
Why not his wife’s sisters, his distant relatives, previous girlfriend
Why you
You are not good for marriage but you are good to donate egg..
Abeg use your number 6
A man who asks for your egg to birth his child with his wife, loves his wife to the end of the world and back.
ReplyDeleteYou are catching feelings…lol
Look at you
Everything he did for is something Okada or Keke bus would’ve easily done. You are attaching emotions to his kindness
Since he know about eggs and has done his research, he should know where to get them.
Do the maths
A smart young man
Educated and well read
Has money
A wife he loves
Exposed
Mature
Then he wants a baby, he is asking you………
Why not his wife’s sisters, his distant relatives, previous girlfriend
Why you
You are not good for marriage but you are good to donate egg..
Abeg use your number 6
I think if you already had children this would have been an easier decision for you to make. If a decision comes with a heavy dilemma then it is best to take the safest path. It would be better for them to ask one of the wife’s sisters, it would be a closer dna match. I think ppl should always seek for solutions to fertility issues within their families first before looking outside. Anyhow, egg extraction is painful and invasive from what I’ve heard, it would be a huge sacrifice. But ppl do organ donation for friends all the time and are able to live with their choices, despite the impact to their quality of life.
ReplyDeletePerhaps the best way to help him is to find someone who is willing to make that sacrifice more easily.
Maybe you have female friends or family members who would be willing, serious ppl who understand what is involved.
You should ask him why they have not tried a clinic and use banked eggs, is it a money issue? Keep them in your prayers.
Don't ever give him your egg, can't he go to fertility clinic to buy egg, or use one of his own or wife's family members or relatives?
ReplyDeleteSay your No to him confidently and don't allow him to manipulate you emotionally, and please don't forget to cut him off completely.
Stella is right to some extent but poster if you are looking at donating egg in that your angle then nobody will ever sacrifice anything to people they love including donating kidney, blood and it’s products, even bone marrow.
ReplyDeleteLife is altruistic. The fundamental purpose of living is helping others without expecting reward. We can argue that every human being has a tendency to be self serving because of psychological reasons or cognitive bias, however if you are the kind of person that genuinely believes in making this world a better place and not expecting any reward, then donating eggs or kidney is for you.
You already said that the man is a good man. if you do it for him, you stand to gain a lot. For instance, you will get a free health and genetic screening, you will get left over eggs frozen for you for the future, no matter what age you get married and above all you have become one of the few rare people who have helped clean the tears of childless couples.
If you choose not to give the eggs, you are still going to be losing one or two every circle until you get to menopause.
If you are worried that you will be thinking about the child being yours, you could keep away from them. If I have an opportunity I will do it and I will like to see the child make some other people happy.
Whether we like it or not, this is the future. God permits it, if not it will not be happening. I will not advise you to give or not to give. Rather put yourself in their shoe and tell them what you would have done if it were you.
A friend of mine who lives abroad bought 8 eggs from donor bank , 4 were viable (embryo) and but non of them implanted. So the fact that you are donating an egg doesn’t mean it will become a child.
Aunty, if you really want to help him don't do it o. This friendship wey dey sweet you go come bitter. Send him your encouragement and maybe ask around. There might be people willing to sell their eggs.
ReplyDeleteBtw, Stay away from that family. You won't find what you are looking for there.
I don’t see the big deal here , we attach too much emotions to everything . This help shouldn’t he so difficult to render in my opinion. You’ve caught feelings for the guy hence why you’re saying what you’re saying, the dilemma is if you’ve caught feelings for your friend.
ReplyDeleteNa wetin Oyibo use pass us be this.
ReplyDeleteOyibo people can be extraordinarily kind but Nigerians don’t have that kind of kindness in their heart.
Even if someone wants to be that kind, you have other people discouraging them just as is playing out here.
Poster if I were you, I would have checked all the pros and cons then come to a decision, rather than bring it to a forum where the majority of people can’t see past their lives and what they will benefit from a certain situation.
Even if you wanted to do it before, you now have a multitude of people discouraging you, so….
Give am ya egg na .afterall you dey lay am every month for nothing .give to who fit use am till you ready born ya own e fit no work. Sef . It's not that deep.
ReplyDeleteDo it if you want to
ReplyDeleteIf not explain to him that you think you’ll want the child and feel bad that your egg is a child to someone else
Tell him you think its better to use an anon donor because his wife’s mind sef will probably not take this easily
Shell till he stylishly wants your child
Don’t cut him off
He’s desperate and only asked you a question and for help
You don’t have to say yes but I don’t see why this makes him someone you should avoid
Poster obviously feels she can make the man genuinely happy. She low key wants to take over that woman's home because why did she say categorically if the FRIENDSHIP was sexual or not...
ReplyDeleteYou saw it too
DeleteYeah...she should settle for being his babymama
DeleteDoes the wife know that he is asking for help from you? Well, if you can let go of the child and within yourself you really want to do it, then do it. Maybe you're a nice person and he loves your person, that's the reason why he's not looking elsewhere.
ReplyDeleteGod guide you on this
Dear Poster,always put your interest and needs first in any human relationship,never be a spear tyre in any relationship,if he really wants children he knows where to get them,he wants to use style to browse you for free,block him from your life and move on,fast!!!
ReplyDeleteSista, DON'T do it.
ReplyDeleteYou have said all the reasons why you should not do it.
Read your chronicle again, the reasons are listed.
Let him go to the proper clinic where matters like these are ethically handled.
Don't. Just politely tell him that it is best for you both and for his wife's sake that you don'st.
If he is a good personas you say he is, he would understand.
A mark of good persons is that a no to their request, usually hard request, do not destroy their relationship with other people.
By the away, I am a male.
Pls don't do it. Let him get eggs from the clinics.
DeleteMao Akuh
Comparing ourselves to other races is baseless. They have different socio-cultural believes different from ours. Theirs are not necessarily better than ours. "Oyibo will not think twice before doing it" Yimu. Do you know all Oyibo?
ReplyDeleteNigerians do this for each other
DeleteIt’s just we don’t say things as openly as oyibo do
I feel bad for him. But that request is just too personal. He should go to the hospital and buy eggs
ReplyDeleteIt’s not that easy to just buy sha
DeleteHello Poster,
ReplyDeleteYour story truly got to me. It’s one of those situations where kindness and confusion are holding hands. I can feel your heart - genuine, grateful, full of compassion - but please, this isn’t just about helping someone. It’s about protecting yourself.
What you’re dealing with isn’t simple. It’s layered - full of emotion, history, and blurred lines. This isn’t about lust or wickedness. It’s about good intentions crossing into dangerous territory. You’re not naïve, and he’s not necessarily bad. You’re both just human, caught between gratitude and boundaries that shouldn’t be crossed.
I know you respect him. You still carry echoes of the good he did for you - and may still be doing. But what he’s asking now isn’t that you can give easily - it’s something that will tie you to him forever. That’s not friendship anymore, it's an emotional trespass that crosses into a sacred place.
If his goal was purely medical, he’d go through a fertility clinic - a neutral ground where no hearts are entangled, no futures intertwined. Those systems exist to keep peace intact. But by coming to you, he’s stepping outside that safety. And you need to ask - why you? Why not relatives? Why not a stranger or a proper donor? Why involve someone whose heart already trusts him? Why ask from
Someone whose face and story already live in his heart?
Because once emotion mixes with something this delicate, it stops being a medical act and becomes a lifelong attachment. A quiet chain that will follow you both, long after the act is done. Even if everyone means well, one wrong move can leave a permanent scar.
And then there’s that line you wrote - “What if I never have kids?” That question alone changes everything - it is truth peeking through your own words. Which tells me this wouldn’t just be a kind gesture for you; It would live in your mind and follow you quietly for years. Imagine seeing that child one day - your features, your spirit - and not being able to call them yours. That’s not a burden anyone should carry in silence.
You don’t owe him this. Gratitude doesn’t require giving away parts of yourself. You’ve already honoured him with loyalty and honesty - that’s more than enough.
Say your no with grace and finality. Let your refusal be a prayer for him; wish him well, even help him explore the proper medical path. But don’t let emotions or guilt lead you into something that could cost you your peace - that’s something you shouldn’t leave in someone else's hands but yours!
Because sometimes love isn’t about giving - it’s about knowing when to stop. Some lines are drawn not out of fear, but out of wisdom. Protect your heart. Protect your peace. That’s the kindness you owe yourself.