A man sat down a grown son he had raised that had called him “father” for years, and told him he was not his biological child. He said he was letting him know now in case anything happened to him tomorrow.
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According to them, the wife, who is the young man’s mother, knew her husband planned to disclose it. She wasn’t happy, but she was comforted by the fact that she had other children with him.
The guys discussing this issue were justifying it. They said he did the right thing to avoid conflict after he joined his ancestors. I couldn’t hold back, so I joined in the conversation.
I asked them, “What surname has the young man been bearing all these years?” They said the man’s surname, the one married to his mother.
I told them, “Do you now see how wicked that ‘father’ was?” How do you expect a man over 30 to process and live with that reality after all those years? Was there even a need to say it at all?
They’re all siblings bonded by one mother. That move only created disunity. I might have understood if the young man’s biological father was in the picture, but he wasn’t. Who knows if he even knew he had a son, or if he’s still alive?
I find it distasteful when people adopt a child while trying to conceive, or marry a single mum with an infant, only to break their heart years later by telling them their “real” identity.
Something like this happened in my community years ago. A woman married into the community with a child. When the boy grew into his 20s, some people told him he wasn’t from the community and would always be denied the benefits other families get.
His mother was heartbroken. She explained everything and told him the truth about his father. Years later, that boy became a millionaire. Very wealthy. He went back to his father’s community, bought land, and built mansions there. He vowed never to build anything in his stepfather’s community. He cut off the youths who kept asking him for projects. One line he always said was, “Those who rejected me have no moral right to my support or benevolence.”
Traditionally, some Igbo families are clear before giving out their daughter’s hand in marriage. If she’s a single mum, will you accept the baby as yours? It’s a condition. This is usually when the child is still an infant. You can’t accept a woman and throw her child away. I don’t think any woman would be happy in that situation. Some women won’t even accept the proposal.
A child born out of wedlock. In the Igbo culture, If an unmarried girl gets pregnant, the child belongs to her father’s house, bears his surname, and is treated like every other family member. The man who impregnated her has no right to the child unless he pays full bride price. Customarily, if a married woman gets pregnant outside, the husband is still regarded as the legal father because bride price was paid. The child belongs to the husband’s lineage. Although practices vary by town/village because Igbo culture isn’t one monolithic rulebook. Isuikwuato for example has very strict taboos around married women’s pregnancy outside.
Anambra / Nnewi area “A child is a child” If married woman gets pregnant outside, the husband is still the legal father. Bride price confers legal ownership of the children. The child inherits from the husband, not the biological father but there's a limitation which is, that child could not be custodian of the ọfọ staff if he became the oldest in ụmụnna. Ọfọ is the symbol of truth/purity, so there was still a small restriction.
Impregnating a married woman in Imo/Isuikwuato area, is a serious taboo called ikwa ala(to mourn the land). It's regarded as a sacred taboo with a spiritual consequences. It requires public ritual and sacrifice for purification. Sometimes a male dog or a female goat is used.
Originally, no “bastard” word in the Igbo culture. So children born in their mother’s father’s house were still accepted as gifts from the gods. No stigmatization title. If biological father wants the child later, he must pay the woman’s dowry, wine, yam etc, just to claim the child, not the wife. Rejection/stigma of the child itself was traditionally minimal. Today, modern Christianity and Western influence has made “bastardization” more of a thing now than before.
This sis so heartbreaking
ReplyDeleteChai
Teejay, I'm a bit puzzled here. For example, a woman who has a child outside marriage eventually gets married with her dowry and all fully paid. Tomorrow then, the father of the child comes with intent to claim his kid and as you wrote in your last paragraph, he must pay the woman's dowry.
ReplyDeleteWouldn't that be a double dowry on the head of the woman then? She's legitimately married with all rights done and husband is alive. Yet another man pays dowry on her head to claim a child? How does this work? Can her husband tell his in-laws to refuse collecting the dowry? Since he has accepted the child initially.
Got you, Dog man.
DeleteIt only applies when the woman is not yet married.
The man who impregnated her is expected to do the needful so he can be fully recognized as the child's father. In that case, the child will bear the surname of the woman's family unless the man do the needful.
If the woman later gets married and her prospective husband agrees to accept the child as his own, he will be regarded as the child's father, but not the biological father.
If the biological father shows up later, he is no longer obligated to do the dowry. However, he will be made to settle the expenses for the child's birth and upkeep.
A similar scenario happened with my ex. She had a son with a man who denied and abandoned her. She raised the child alone until he was 13. Suddenly, the father returned from the UK and asked to have him.
My ex, who is from Abia State, was married at the time, though she’s divorced now. The family made the man pay for the child’s delivery and upkeep, which he did. The child was then released to him and he took him to the UK.
I learnt the boy is 19 now. He recently sent me a Facebook friend request. He also sends money to his mother, my ex, once in a while. Even in the court of law, the law will request you comply with the necessary requirements before the child is being released to you.
I hope this makes sense now.
©️ TEEJAY
Good topic for discussion.
ReplyDeleteI however think there are some assumptions you have made that might not be as assumed.
What was the agreement about the child when the man was marrying the woman, you don't know.
It might have just been the mother that made the child to be calling the man 'daddy' and the man allowed it more out of politeness - we don't know,
While it is good the way you have painted the issue of taking over and claiming full ownership of a child from a failed relationship, unwanted pregnancy or the man absconding, we have seen cases where the real father suddenly appear later in life to say they want their children, such drama can be embarrassing to the adopted father. Some even appear when the child is about getting married and say they want to play the role of father.
It is a complicated issue and not very straight forward.
The man might also have made the clarification to avoid issues between the children around inheritance in future.
Cultural practices are real and respected, but i don't think a man can legally be stopped from coming for his child in future, at best the community will make him pay some fine.
Absolutely. At your last paragraph. Just like I replied Dog Man above.
Delete©️ TEEJAY
Being a father is more than biology. Timing and intention matter too. If you raised him as your son for over 30 years what exactly was the purpose of revealing it at that stage? The child can never remain the same
ReplyDeleteGod bless you MeJhay,
DeleteHonestly, I have to say it. After 30, where exactly is a man supposed to start from again?
The mental breakdown is real. It’s damaging.
©️ TEEJAY
No matter how painful it might be, every human being needs to be told the truth about their real parents at some point in their lives.
DeleteWhy should my parents lie to me that someone is my full sibling when they are a step sibling or not sibling at all?
One neighbor or relative will now leak the secret in future and we label them wicked or busy body
Anon 16:11,
DeleteI quite understand your point, and they’re valid. But don’t you think it’s not just about revealing the truth? What about what happens next to the person’s mental health?
And what happens to all the certificates the child already has bearing the stepfather’s name?
I think if such information must be disclosed, it’s better to do it while the child is growing up. Ideally, before age 10. That way, they know early enough and can process it better.
©️ TEEJAY
Anno~16:11 is very right. In the UK you are obligated to tell them.whether abduction, surrogacy, donor egg/sperm, you must tell them at some point.
DeleteIf you refused, the government would do that for you. They will keep it on record so the child will find out when he/she grows up
There are many reasons why it is better to let them know. I don’t think it is healthy to denied them the information because if you did not tell them, someone else would.
My cousin who was born at home came back from Dubai and attended an uncle’s funeral meeting. The umunna asked him whose son he was, because they haven’t seen him for a while because of hie sojourned abroad. He called his mother’s name instead and they politely told him that the meeting was for umunna.
He left and started looking for his father, luckily for him, he found him in Anambara whereas his mum is from Abia. He quickly sold the land he bought in his mother’s village and went back to his father, who looks so much like him.
I feel sorry for these sort of people because they are caught between 2 world that do not really want them. I think the Igbos should be kinder in dealing with this sort of situation. Other ethnic groups have moved on.
Nice read 👍. Nigeria is vast with vast culture and traditions.
ReplyDeleteHere in the South West, men marry women who have children from previous relationships, but in most cases, they don't accept the child as theirs. They tell the woman to either drop the child with her parents/other relatives or forget the marriage. Some accept the child but with strict conditions.while a few others accept the child and raise him as theirs.
Yorubas have a name for children born outside marriage, their own version of 'bastards". We even have Proverbs that depict the dangers of raising a bastard.
Teejay, this is heartbreaking.
ReplyDeleteThe truth is not always the enemy. Family secrets have a way of surfacing, often at the worst possible moment.
A child has a right to know the truth about their identity. But that doesn't mean the truth should be delivered as a last-minute confession to ease an adult's conscience. Waiting until someone is in their thirties, after a lifetime of calling a man "Dad", can leave them questioning not only who their father is, but who they are. That, to me, is the real moral issue.
The question is not simply whether a child should be told the truth. It is when, why, and how that truth is shared. Timing matters. Intention matters. And so do the years of silence.
I believe that difficult truths rarely become easier by delaying them. Whenever possible, if a child is going to learn something so fundamental, it is usually kinder for that knowledge to become part of their identity gradually, in ways that are appropriate for their age, while they are still growing. That is far less damaging than asking an adult to rebuild their entire sense of self overnight after a life-changing revelation decades later.
If the truth is to be told, it should be because it serves the child's wellbeing, not simply to ease an adult's guilt or settle future disputes. Being a father is about far more than who donated the seed, just as identity is about more than blood ties alone. A wise parent finds a way to honour both without being careless or reckless with words.
Thanks for this. Just like I said above, if the truth must be told, let it be told early before the child turns 10. That way, he has time to process it, understand it, and grow with it before becoming a full adult.
DeleteYou put it perfectly. Telling early gives the child space to ask questions, adjust, and not feel like their whole identity was a lie later in life.
It’s hard, but honesty early is kinder than a shock later.
©️ TEEJAY