Saturday In House Gists

Last weeks Saturday In House gists had no winner LMAO!
The gists were pathetically funny but deserved no trophy.
For todays own,some don make me laugh tire.
The gist continues tomorrow after which a winner will be selected.

GIST ONE
GOOD EVENING IN THE MORNING 

This happened many years ago, I had finished my secondary

school and trying to get into the university. My friend Ifeanyi came

back from school and wanted me to accompany him go see this babe he

just started dating. Blessing and I went to the same secondary school,

same class sef and since our dad was both Army officers, I was the

prefect guy to go with Ifeanyi.

 Blessing's father is a Major while my father a Warrant Officer class

2 (Retired). Let me tell you a little about Blessing's father, he's so

strict with his daughters, even though we dey the same class we dey

fear to talk to Blessing make the father no catch us by chance. So

when Ifeanyi asked us to go see her I warned him say I go just follow

am reach gate o because I still like my life. Ifeanyi told me not

worry say the girl don tell am say the papa don go for one military

course like that, so I said no problem.

As we reach the gate, we enter knock door, na blessing come answer, we

smiled at her but she cut us eye say ground no level o. But it was too

late, na so the papa shout say 'who's there? Allow them in na'. Liver

fail us, na so saliva finish for my mouth.

Major: Yes, gentlemen! how can I help you?

Me: Good evening sir(for morning o), sir we were just walking o and

became thirsty, so we saw this beautiful flowers and we said this

people must have cold water, so we decided to knock to drink water. We

were just asking Blessing for water (first f**k up, I called her

name).

Major: "No problem, come in and a have a seat". He went in and came

out with a shortgun. "Oya who among you is dating my daughter?"

Na so we lie down o. Sorry sir, abeg sir, we don't know her, we were just

passing sir.

Major: Una no wan talk abi, brought out his jackknife. I go cut una

preeq. Enh! As i hear p... na so I shout o. Oga na this my friend na

him I follow come here na him dey friend Blessing sir. Abeg oga I

still be virgin sir.

By this time Ifeanyi don dey cry dey roll for ground. sir abeg I no go

do am again. From today i no go follow any girl again.

Major: That's the reason I'll cut off your preeq so you wont be

disturbing small girls again. Ifeanyi come shout say sir abeg, please

sir don't cut off my pirik sir, if you cut it off sir how will I

urinate?

Na so the man match us go him backyard come tell us to kneel down and

raise our hands up. Come cork the gun. As I hear 'chakapkun' cry start

o. We come cry dey beg say if the man allow us go, we go turn born

again, say we no go even marry sef.

At long last na, the man allow us go o, come tell us say for our life

make we no ever talk to his daughter if this life still dey sweet us.

Na run we take reach house. As I reach house I tell mama say from

today say I don give my life to Christ. I no go do bad thing again.

And from that day, if girl tell me say she still dey live with her

parents, I don run be that o

ludakristos@gmail.com

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GIST TWO
CALL THE SMELLER.

There is a particular way damp clothes smells (clothes that didn't dry well) I know we all know that smell, my sister and I don't eat fufu because of the way it smells so we call that smell fufu, so anybody that wears damp clothes with such smell we say "that guy cloth dey smell fufu"

So when we were younger, my mum washed some clothes that's didn't dry enough, my sister wore one of the short from those set of clothes. 

My brother and I were sitting in the balcony while my mum was cooking and my dad was in the kitchen too gisting with her, so my sister came to the balcony and I said "fuuuunnnn.... Your nicker dey smell fufu" she said "na lie!" Then I asked my bro to smell it, my bro did and said " fuuuunnnn.... Na true, e dey smell fufu, Ejiro (that's me) go tell daddy" 

Na so me sef carry my big head enter kitchen "daddy Tume (that's my sister) cloth dey smell fufu" my dad said " ehn ehn, owk, tume! Come here" she stood in front of me and my dad said " smell am again whether e still dey smell" na so I bend oh to smell the nicker, the next thing I hear my dad land me better slap for yansh, kpowai!!! I jump hold my yansh, my brother and my mum don burst laugh "Never say your sister's cloth is smelling" 

The cry no gree come out na only my mouth dey move, oh boy when the cry gave way eh I cried, my brother was still laughing, as I was crying I was saying, no be u say make I go tell daddy. 

Since that day they call me the smeller, anytime anything is smelling my brother brings it to my nose and say smell am, e dey smell?

If a visitor comes to my house and use the toilet and the person shit dey smell and my brother want to tell us codedly that the person's shit is smelling without embarrassing the person, he will shout " call the smeller! Call the smeller!!" Na me them dey talk about oh.

Learnt my lesson in a funny way

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GIST THREE
MR ETIBURUNMASHO

I hail ooo

This one happen to me during secondary school days.

Na S.S.S.3 we dey that time.

We dey assembly nai our principal come dey address us,since we be

senior we con start our own discussion as usual.And e don tey wey dem

don dey caution us but we nor hear,but that day our cup don full naso

the principal vex,order our wicked maths teacher to flog us.And na

yansh he dey flog.

Come see us dey beg,for where principal nor gree ooo.

Naso the flogging start oo,come see cry,

E con get this girl wey no dey cry but that day she cry ooo nor be the

cane pain am.

Everybody con turn look the girl con see tears and she con dey shout

excuse sir,excuse sir my hair, my hair.All of us surprise which hair

because for our school we nor dey do hair.

Nai the girl turn am to dialect oo,excuse sir eti burun maso(excuse

sir you don hold my t*to hair join cloth)nai we burst out laughing.

Shame sef catch Mr teacher,since then we change him name to Mr etiburunmasho.

Lekwa Ukwu

Otimzydelmz@gmail.com

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GIST FOUR

OLE! OLE!! OLE!!!

Hello sdkers?

Ok i was going to pay a friend a visit at Mushin sometimes last week, i was in the bus &  there was terrible traffic and i was starving,  wo abeg English don tire me.. (Switching to pidgin) as i dey go Mushin last week the worms wey dey my belle dey do conference meeting.. (lol)  luckily i saw a boy selling plaintain chips, just before i could shout plaintain, na plan i still call i never mention tains, he brought out his kini kini (dont ask me what is kini kini pls) (lol) and was we-weeing he shook kini to the left & to the right (lmao) and put it in his trouser .. he carried his goods and place on his head..he didnt even wash his hands. jexoooox i lost appetite..

As i land my destination, 2 hours later there was a loud noise , Oleeeeeeh OLEEEEH OOO (Thief).. oleeeeh

Na so all of us run outside to go see oleh (thief) oo, the one wey carry stone, stick, tyre,  dey among us.. people don gather begin chase the boy, screaming and running after him, oleeeh oleeh ... finally they caught up with him, different sounds of slap don dey land for him face, they didn't even let him talk.. orisirisi voice from all angle.. choi e yaff  be for this boy today, as dey drag him to the ground and make him sit, the man who raise the alarm was there, and they asked him baba ki logba lowo yin?(what did he collect from you) he couldn't talk.

A woman among the crowd stepped forward, looked at the boy face and looked at the man face, looked at him again and looked at the man, and asked baba but this boy look like you.. It dawned on us all and we could all see the striking resemblance, the old man burst-ed out crying... 

but baba what could make u, be screaming thief on your child we demanded to know, baba said the boy was stubborn, and they were having a conversation about the boy going to learn a trade, the boy refused to either work or learn a trade, the baba got angry and started shouting Oleeeh (thief) that was his reasons..

A voice from the crowd shouted you are a foolish man, (lol)  so because your son refused to learn a trade you want to get him killed.. people hissed and began to walk away.. (lol)..  some people asked the man to beg for his son forgiveness.. i didn't even know what to say i just waka comot.. (lol)

well na the small tory wey i get to knack una be that, till i come your way next tym.  Enjoy!

Signed sealed and delivered.. Nnuku Kork of sdkb.

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GIST FIVE
FAKE GLASSES

Hi Stalla, I hope you dey fine. Straight to my amebo gist.

This happened while I was in primary school, primary five precisely. I was privileged to attend an aje butter school, meanwhile, I be serious kpako. Back then, I noticed most intelligent kids in my class use glasses. And because they are really brilliant they are given this special treatment. For example, most question asked after each lesson are hardly directed to them. This is because most teachers believed they pay attention in class, unlike the "dull kids" that come to school for snack and after school lunch.

As I nor know book erm, I suffer for cane hand nor be small. Because during and towards the end of every lesson, na so my heart go dey beat gbim, gbim, gbim, cos I dey know say *yawa must gas*

There was this particular day my teacher asked me to define pronoun, be like say na noun I define give her, because she said it was incorrect, and wrote a sentence in the board, for me to identify the pronoun, na so I shine my eyes dey look. Most times, after  we, (dull ones) are asked question and we can't, our teachers we then ask the brilliant kids, and sometimes the ones who use glasses. They always got the answers, and most times out teachers do not ask them at all.

After primary four exam, I swear say I go come back to school with glasses. But at home, I have never complained of eye problem and I knew they was no way my parents will buy the idea of me, wearing glasses. The best I know my dad would do, was give my mama money make she buy me eye drop.

Holiday came, and was almost over. God bless me, because my papa junior brother came visiting, and dash me and my siblings money. Nai so I trek better trek go "Enerhen junction" (for those that are familiar with Waffi town)go buy the glasses. Come buy case and pink rope join. School resume, my new classmates see me with lens, but they nor code. Even my new teachers sef nor code. 3weeks pass for school, my teachers nor ask me any question. The only question I was asked was to define a pronoun. Of course, I knew that one, not after the strokes I received for being unable to define and identify it in a sentence, back in primary four. In fact, if una see the way I take define am erm, he be like say nai my papa manufacture the word.

Meanwhile, nor be as I program am e come be. We were beginning to prepare for primary six exams, as my school ended in primary five. The thing come be like like say, the table don turn. Because na so so the intelligent pupil and pupil with glasses teachers dey ask questions. In fact even when them nor ask them, na so them go raise their hands high up, only my own go dey down. Sometimes sef, even when I nor know the answer, na so I go raise hand, dey pray seriously make my teacher nor call me.

The thing come start to purge me, but I nor reason am, I was still acting. Until one day, we come dey do spellings for class. I noticed the "dull pupil" were asked to spell simple words, while those brilliant ones and the kids with glasses were asked to spell the hard words (of course, the words were on same level) Chai!!! E reach my turn, my teacher say make I spell "discouragement" I looked at my teacher's mouth as she pronounce the word, come reason the word. For my mind, I don die today. Na I pull glasses "Aunty it is not medicated ooooooo, I can't spell di......,,,, even to pronounce am na war. My teacher looked at me, look glasses wen dey my hand. I sure say she weak. She carry me put for corner first, when the period was over, she come say make I follow her go my head master office. As we dey there, my head master come ask me who give me fake lens with case and rope, I said I bought it my self. How? he asked, I come tell am how I trekked to get it. Why? he asked. I sha told him the reason. My head master say make my teacher leave me. And told my teacher to make sure that questions after every lesson are asked equally amongst pupil henceforth. Teachers and head master even held a meeting on top my head. From that day, na "fake glasses" my classmates come dey call me. Recently sef, I bumped into an old classmate for bank. You know girls na, they can snub fire. Na so she shine eye dey look me.  Even to say "hi sef dey hard am. As I dey smart dey go say hi" to her, nai I remember this gist. Chai!!!