Hmmmmm...
STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
RED FLAGS OR NOT?
Dear Mrs Korkus,
So there's this issue bothering me and I finally decided to write you
I've been in a long distance relationship for a while now (he in a different country) but I don't know if I'm just being overly sensitive or I should just carry on...
We talk almost everyday but whenever there's a misunderstanding, he usually goes mute, he wouldn't address the issue and when I insist that we talk about it he can either not, or end of saying a lot with words like "you're foolish, a manipulator, idiot, etc"
We're supposed to be making peace not all these...
Sometimes I'm scared to think he's bipolar or he has a lot he's suppressing. I feel he's hiding some "rough" features, doesnt really have this soft spot for women. Even when I discussed with him about his actions, he promised to change and its all seem to me as if he's acting - like it's not really him.
I've been really picky in my relationships and I don't want to grow old alone and that's why I decided to give this love a chance as I feel maybe my expectations are too high or maybe I'm just looking for a perfect man in an imperfect world.
I'm not perfect but I just want to be treated right with love and respect and I will reciprocate too
I want to be able to discuss anything and everything with my man without him picking out a single statement and using it against me or it causing quarrel.
I don't want to be counting my words when discussing with my man or walking on egg shells
I love him, and he loves me too but I don't imagine living the rest of my life adjusting or being cautious around someone I should be free around.
What do you think of a relationship as this??
Dear Mrs Korkus,
So there's this issue bothering me and I finally decided to write you
I've been in a long distance relationship for a while now (he in a different country) but I don't know if I'm just being overly sensitive or I should just carry on...
We talk almost everyday but whenever there's a misunderstanding, he usually goes mute, he wouldn't address the issue and when I insist that we talk about it he can either not, or end of saying a lot with words like "you're foolish, a manipulator, idiot, etc"
We're supposed to be making peace not all these...
Sometimes I'm scared to think he's bipolar or he has a lot he's suppressing. I feel he's hiding some "rough" features, doesnt really have this soft spot for women. Even when I discussed with him about his actions, he promised to change and its all seem to me as if he's acting - like it's not really him.
I've been really picky in my relationships and I don't want to grow old alone and that's why I decided to give this love a chance as I feel maybe my expectations are too high or maybe I'm just looking for a perfect man in an imperfect world.
I'm not perfect but I just want to be treated right with love and respect and I will reciprocate too
I want to be able to discuss anything and everything with my man without him picking out a single statement and using it against me or it causing quarrel.
I don't want to be counting my words when discussing with my man or walking on egg shells
I love him, and he loves me too but I don't imagine living the rest of my life adjusting or being cautious around someone I should be free around.
What do you think of a relationship as this??
Hmmmmm
Your worries are valid, especially if he is hiding severe red flags that you cannot see because of the distance.....
Please start shopping for another boyfriend cos love is not enough in cases like this.... later each curse or swear word will be followed by a hot slap or ounch.......
Dont invest emotionally and the next time he uses such words on you, please call off the freaking relationship...DO NOT SETLLE FOR LESS OR YOU WILL GET LESS THAN YOU SETTLED FOR!!!!
Not being able to resolve conflicts is ❌️. And he goes on to insult you. 🙄. You don't want to grow old alone, you decided to give love a chance, but PLEASE do not allow anyone disrespect you in the name of love.
ReplyDeleteMy dear poster, do not ignore your intuition. It just shows you don't really know much about this guy, and that is a no no for a long term relationship.
DeleteAlone is better than abuse and toxicity
DeleteGet therapy and become a whole , emotionally healthy woman that can attract an emotionally healthy man
You don't get to know someone just in a day. With time all will be revealed. This problem is a minor to me. If she gives the guy chance to change and he remains the same. It's left for her to know whether to take a walk or stay.
DeleteThere is no perfect human out there.
An abusive relationship is not safe and healthy for your mental sake. Soft heart needs tender, love and care.
"I want to be treated... and I will reciprocate."
DeleteUntil he does, you won't do. But you want it done?
This let me take first mindset influences all - even what you say that triggers him, but you don't understand why it triggers him.
A man should not continue a friendship with the man you described
A man should think thrice before marrying a woman who only reciprocates in relationships.
If you walk into this one with your eyes open, you’ll either run out or be carried out
ReplyDeleteSeems like she is desperate for a husband. Now, she Don see abroad one, she will compromise.
DeleteWhen people are not kind with the words they use at you almost all the time, then you shouldn't put yourself in that position. You actually deserve better, you won't understand this until God gives you someone that will treat you right.
ReplyDeleteLeave please, you deserve better. Don't manage him, he won't change. You've said it yourself that you've been telling him about his behaviour, what have you gotten in return?
Word
DeleteYou deserve better
Be intentional about who you marry.....
Conflict resolution involves everybody,I wish you can see things his own way by judging yourself also ,I don't believe you are saying the whole truth.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you should help her say the truth then.
DeleteDainty, 🤣🤣
Deleteone of them stupid men who think they are always right....help her say the truth na....anyway some women are slow, i cannot be with you in a relationship and you will be using abusive words on me. i give respect in relationships so i will not take that from any one because they think they are alpha male and can do whatever they like
DeleteMy bf is just like this goes mute when there's an issue but he doesnt abuse me like urs,also long distance,does he live in maryland usa,igbo,name starts from k?
ReplyDeleteDear sister, wish mine did all that while we were dating. He hid it very well. Run. I am hoping to run, getting plans ready
ReplyDeleteTry using the his approach and see what's happens. If he learns then he is ready for a change. Otherwise madame run for ur ass
ReplyDeleteI disagree with stella.thats the problem with you all..we are always quick to start or shop for another once theres an issue that should have been delt with a little patience..kindness and understanding..imagine Christ always leaving us at the smallest offense or mistake...yet we say we are christians and christ like..love aint easy this is what it m3ans to love..someyimes we might just be the angel God is sending us to others to help and assist them out.it takes kindness...patience and tolerance and when you win..you will cherish it.
ReplyDeleteIn this time and generation the truth is we are in a pithole when it comes to relationship.no one is perfect.poster be patient.. kind...consistent and hope on God with good faith you will win and you will see the changes and you be happy because at that point you truly found that p3ace and love you craving for.nothing is life is easy.just as we work hard to make money and payrolls to live th4 good life..we also work hard to have the b3st relationships.it involves being kind...underatnding...selfless...patience and etc.nothing is easy.stau with your man and work things out it won't be easy
Anywhere..the beauty of life is ehen we conquer.poster use your head and don't follow the dictate of what others say.search your heart if you truly love this man and work it out with him in kindness
Imagine this advice! SMH. it is impossible to change an adult and it is better to call off a relationship now that you can see the red flags than after you have married him. Then you'd probably have kids and you'd have to endure for the sake of children. And trust me these red flags gets worse in marriage. I am speaking from experience.
DeleteDO NOT SETTLE IF YOU YOU ARE NOT COMFORTABLE WITH ANYONE'S REDFLAG! DO NOT!
We are human beings not Christ.
DeleteHope you get the point. One is perfect, the other is not. Poster leave. It gets worse in marriage.
Anonymous 16:22, how long is she supposed to wait for the change to come. So they can move on to probably marriage. She is not married yet and doesn't need to enter this contract of till death do us path and live in misery.
DeletePoster, if he repeats this, take a walk.
16:22 lol, you and this your endurance advice again today . Endurance is good but not in this case ok?
Deleteshut up with this stupid mentality....this is not the kind of change you wait around for. someone is abusive and you are giving this long epistle...that is how some of you are cheated in life or die early because you misinterpret the scriptures. stupidity is not wisdom
DeleteSorry ma'am, that man doesn't love you.
ReplyDeleteA man who loves you won't use abusive words on you. A man who loves you won't allow for unresolved issues.
#JustMyOpinion
How can your potential hubby be calling you names like, idiot, stupid etc. And you think you are over reacting. Pls you never see husband, don't settle for less all in the name of bearing Mrs somebody.
ReplyDelete@Poster, what you described up there is the behaviour of 99.9% of Nigerian men, they are the masters, you dear not , exchange words with them. I Can't tell you to leave, because the next ( Nigerian) man will be exactly the same if not worse! Nothing dey street, manage am, inugo.
ReplyDeleteNot all Nigerian men. Out of all the men I have had close relationship with, it's just 1person that is guilty of this. He does it to anybody he has issues with.
DeleteDon't expect your partner to be like you or have all the same qualities and character you possess . You know why it's said that you should look for who to "complement" you .
ReplyDeleteYou may like talking and he doesn't talk much, adjust.That's what you do for love when there is understanding.
The only thing I see as a problem to me is his choice of words or being insultive when settling issue. I feel when there is issue to settle, you do that amicably then take corrections and keep it moving.
Tell him to do away with those words like calling you, " idiot, manipulator" that you are not cool with that. It's hard to change an adult who doesn't learn or wants to change.
Since both of you love each other, work it out and let love lead. Love is not hard.
RED FLAGS OR GREEN FLAGS APPEAR BRIGHTER IN MARRIAGE. Meaning what ever character you see now, you'll see more of it in marriage.
ReplyDeleteAbuse of a partner is a no no. Leave immediately. Look for a kind hearted partner.
Dear Poster, this is a red flag raised high for you to see. My ex wasn't insultive to me but always dulge not to resolve issues when we had one. He kept piling them. Think twice because it will get worst.
ReplyDeleteWhy don't you have a discussion with your man about this attitude of his that you don't enjoy, talk to him about it let him make those his empty promises without keeping them and you too will start behaving like him and see how it goes.
ReplyDeleteToo much walk away is not really good, when do we learn to wait and fix things with someone we love.
No vex. She doesn't love him. And he knows too. Case closed.
DeleteI am in a long distance relationship as well but sincerely will tell you to hear from both side .. I can boldly say she is the problem.
ReplyDeleteFrom what she narrated how is she a problem. The poster just described my friend ex hubby behaviour. Alot of men just want to be worshipped. I thank God for my adorable loving brothers who are properly raised with so much love in their heart.
DeleteThat’s a little silly
DeleteThe man calls her an idiot
@18:36, you are so sure the problem is the poster. You must know them to conclude this.
DeleteThe problem is from the man because the Chronicler says so.
DeleteFirst to report naim dey win case for dis side. Only say d Bible no agree with dat. If una doubt, check Proverbs.
you are boldly stupid then.....we know your type. not all persons are desperate like you. mumu
DeleteYou are living in different countries so this is the easiest situation to end. Pack up your data , wifi, phone, and time and go to another part of the World Wide Web. This ain’t it, sis!
ReplyDeleteHa!
DeleteMake she no relocate abroad first before she leave the relationship or marriage?
That's the current style now.
Using harsh insulting words for me is a no no. That's a recipe for disaster. Please choose carefully
ReplyDeleteLong distance relationships is a no no. Please refocus on people around you. Don’t waste the time you don’t have. Abroad will come, work towards it and don’t use a man you don’t know to japa. Focus on the good toaster you have around you cos the angel you know is better than the devil you do not know.
ReplyDeleteCalling an adult that you love, idiot, stupid, senseless etc is verbal abuse. It's not going to get any better.
ReplyDeleteThere is no love between them. She is waiting for him to love so she can reciprocate. He is not loving or maybe waiting for her to love him before he reciprocate.
DeleteTwo people deceiving and both using themselves or one planning on using the other and both knowing that.
Yet as usual, some of us have started tagging 99.9% of Nigerian men for one man's wise or unwise or both actions.
Long distance relationship have it's ups and downs, you are still trying to understand your partner. "whenever there's a misunderstanding, he usually goes mute, he wouldn't address the issue and when I insist that we talk about it he can either not, or end of saying a lot with words like "you're foolish, a manipulator, idiot, etc"
ReplyDeleteSome people prefer to keep mute when upset, it's to prevent saying the wrong words.
Insisting that someone speak at that time may not be acceptable to them, it may be interpreted as manipulative and controlling behaviour which can lead to him becoming hostile (this is not to excuse his actions which is very immature).
Seems like he generally doesn't trust women, I wonder if there's some past trauma yet to be healed that's playing out in your relationship.
Now is the time to set boundaries on what will be tolerated in the relationship, when he is in a happy mood, discuss how his harsh words make you feel, ask him what words/actions of yours always trigger him, likewise tell him what he does that is affecting you. Then agree on an acceptable thing to do whenever either of you is triggered ( say buzz word, stop the conversation for 10 minutes, or change subject until the next day).
Pray about this then observe if this improves in the next two months, if it doesn't, you can leave knowing that you tried your best to make it work.
Praying that it'll work out for you babe.
PCX
Thank you 100%
DeleteIf he refuses to thrash out issues with you hmmm na God hands you dey.
ReplyDeleteThe most complex B