Saturday In House Gists...

In House gists today is so hilarious and i have been laughing so hard...Infact i am about to take Ibruprufen for my headache caused by laughing...
Today has gists 1-5,it continues tomorrow.

GIST ONE

THE PRANK

Stella, I want to share this crazy prank a friend played on me at Ekosodin.
      All Uniben students know how dreaded Ekosodin is... my friend whom I shared a room with at Ekosodin usually warned me against leaving Ekosodin for night class when it's late, she insists that if I must go for night class it must be before it gets dark but I often neglected and told her that she was just being scared. 

       So on a Monday at 9pm(exact time I leave home every night) I left my friend at home to go for night class... Everywhere was so quiet but I kept going, before I could say jack 3 persons in disguise jumped out of the Bush in front of me , out of fear that they could be armed I didn't make a move to run, I almost urinated on my pants......

"Hey you no dey fear abi, where you dey go by this time" one of them asked,  "oga nor vex I just dey do area survey for my project" I lied.....

 "you dey do survey for night??", they all laughed, then they asked me to do frog jump and roll on the floor.

  I was  already crying... After which they asked me what my favorite song was, I said Doro Buchi ,  they  said if I wanted them to leave me I should sing and dance well to the song for 5 minutes ,  see me singing and dancing like it was a competition,  they were just laughing at me. Only for them to remove their disguise and I realized 2 of them were my roomie's course mates, I was so shocked. 

    Amidst the laughter they told me it was my roomie who asked them to prank me and escort  me to night class. The thing pain me ehn!!... I couldn't go to night class that day again because my face was already swollen from crying.Then they warned me against walking alone at such late hours...When I got back home, my roomie so laughed at me...After then I never left my room once it's 8pm.
 

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GIST TWO

WHERE'S MY JOLLOF??

I sat in my room that morning, one of those days when you wake up and lie down lazily on your bed, thinking of sweet nothings.

I had been invited to a wedding by my friend..and I couldn't fathom the joy that I would see wedding jollof again....it was mindblowing. I laid on the bed reminiscing on the slightly orange, no it cant be red, that would be too much tomato, single grained rice, with a distinct aroma that could still be perceived days after, and that piece of fried meat sitting gallantly in the middle staring at you. Please do not insult wedding jollof with plantain, you can carry out that sacrilege at home. This is a reverred meal.

I am not a glutton, but my oh my!! There is something about wedding jollof that makes it stand out from the ones we cook at home.

I dunno if it's the firewood used in cooking, or the condiments and spices, I can't just place it!!

Who is feeling this testimony brethren?? Glory Glory!!!

One of my favourite hymns in church says " I need no other argument, I need no other plea"...for Jollof, I need no other invitation.

I took my time to bath, after pushing out the excesses of the previous day, to give room for the meal of the day...the meal to come....my jollof.

I put on my Asoebi, I have never liked gele...my "off shoulder" sleeveless flowered gown, just on my knee, my navy blue shoe with red heels, I held a small red clutch, my phone...that was it. I don't like baggage, straight to the point. You know my signature ponytail hairstyle na...with little makeup...I was good to go.

I called up my girls and we met at the junction. Never!! And I repeat never!! go to the church service, you wont make it in time to the reception venue, to get the best seats. 

We arrived at the reception venue, one cool hotel,  looking all tush, my eyes scanning the hall for the location of my jollof.

See, Jollof needs no introduction at any event. Burial, naming ceremony, wedding, birthday, please name it!

We allowed our noses guide us to the perfect seat, not too far from where you can see the couple, and relatively close to where the buffet table was. Gbam!!

You know in Nigeria, many people abuse this word "buffet". I mean, you go to a wedding and they say its buffet, but they don't let you serve yourself. It happens in two ways, either there is a mean looking lady behind the table, bypassing all the chicken laps on top of the tray, to look for the wings, ribs and chest to serve you, while you seethe behind that tight smile.

Oya lets do that smile....1..2...3...smile, shut your teeth together(to avoid calling her a "beach"), blink three to four times (to stop the tears)...then mouth thank you. I suggest you walk away calmly.

This same buffet in Nigeria also means, these same mean girls, will share the food, and now hand it over to very partial sets of girls called ushers, who look at your table, and if they find no eligible bachelor, overlook you.

Trouble started when it was time to share drinks. Lemme tell you something, If they share wine and soft drinks for everyone, and then drop water, serviette and tooth pick on your table, I can assure you with 98% confidence, you are getting no jollof that day.

During the chairman's speech, they started serving the food, beginning from the high table. The ushers kept passing my table with hot steaming jollof as if we were invisible. I acted cool because they just started serving like 15minutes ago.

I kept glancing at the tray of jollof rice behind me, rubbing that invisible spot behind my neck, and watched as it kept reducing in quantity. I was sweating lightly now, despite the cool AC closeby. I was praying in my heart, wondering what I did wrong in my past life to deserve this treatment. By now, the visitors in my stomach had started grumbling, they took part in the cleanup exercise, and were expecting a reward by now.

I continued sipping my water as I professed faith that the pastor preached about the previous week. I tried every trick I knew, even smiling at the ushers as they passed, all to no avail. Could this be payback?? Did karma remember when I hid my pot of jollof rice that hot afternoon my friends visited?? Ahhh!! Karma is a beach and suffers no amnesia!!

Respite came my way, I saw that dear usher walk towards our table, after extra 30minutes, with a tray holding one plate of jollof, coconut and fried rice. I was forgiven of my past sins! I smiled ever so beautifully, as I stretched out my hands to collect my food....and the beach just walked past us. I had to gently drop one hand first, scanning the faces around, then dropped the other hand 4seconds later.  

I didn't know when I muttered "where's my jollof??" My world had just crumbled. I couldn't take it anymore. My stomach visitors were in revolt and my friends wouldn't stop laughing. They had eaten at home, an advice I refuse to take so I won't contaminate my jollof.

I stood up calmly, my face drained of all emotion. I couldnt quite place if the pain I felt was from the betrayal of no jollof, or the war going on in my stomach. I picked my gift and started walking towards the door (the things I can do for jollof, oh!!), then I began to think about "WWJD"...What Would Jesus Do?? I came back, walked up to the stage, danced with the couple, shookieed my sadness away and gave her my gift.

When I saw that usher, the one who made my testimony incomplete, the one who betrayed my trust, who tried to test my love for jollof, I chose not to get angry. I purposed in my heart not to say anything to her. But In my mind, I just kept repeating the song CHIGURL taught me.

"You can't do more than a hanging shimi

You can't do more than a hanging pant,

You can't do more than a hanging trouser

Hanging...ha....ha....ha...hanging!!!!"

I woke up from this nightmare!!! It was all a dream!! Affliction shall not rise a second time. 

I will attend that wedding today and eat JOLLOF!!!

Guess who I am!!!

Have a nice day.

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GIST THREE

MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT

Stellakork,  I have sent you this mail before for in house news, but I still want you to post it in the IN-HOUSE GIST though it's long, but will make your blog visitors laugh. 

My most embarrassing/hilarious moment was one I can't forget o.

I was still serving in Gombe state then but traveled to the village to see my siblings because it wasn't long we lost our parents,  so I had to come home and check on them from time to time to know how they are faring. On the day I was supposed to travel back I now decided to call my immediate elder sister who is married but stays in another  village,  just to tell her I was home but due to time I won't be able to see her before going back again.  

On calling her she told me she is not even in the her husband's village sef,  that she's in the market in the main town where I came to board a direct vehicle to Jos before heading to Gombe(since there are no direct vehicle from there to Gombe state).
I was happy that at least I would get to see her before I leave, I ask her where she was 

and she told me she is in the major section where they sell palm oil in drums,  keg,  and basins. 

Na so I carry my bag enter bike go meet my sister o. 

On getting to where she is after much pleasantries I  asked her what she was doing there,  she told me that she came to sell some drums of Palm oil which she bought at a cheaper rate a long time ago and now that the price has increased she wants to sell them.  I was impressed that she was doing such business. 

She now asked me to please give her some minutes to finish negotiations with the buyers. 

My sister now asked one of the women who sells the oil in retail price to pls allow me to sit beside her on her bench and the woman gladly did.
While sitting on the bench,  right in front of me were big basins of palm oil on display for buyers to check out the different qualities before deciding which one to buy,  me too come turn to Palm oil seller o,  just to impress the woman that shared her seat with me. 

Na there I siddon dey wait for my sister o,  not up to five minutes after I siddon,  I just hear shouts for my back,  I come turn say make I know wetin dey make people shout, the next thing I saw  people were running towards where I was sitting,  as I say make me ma stand up make I join the race na him somebody from behind me just run push me straight into the Basin of red oil,both me and the oil troway for ground.  As at this time, people were Still running past me ooo,  even my sister wey I find come market and the owner of the oil I was sitting with sef don run go.  

As I fall inside the oil come see say people still dey run past me,  I come think am "what if whatever is chasing people in this market and heading towards my direction come meet me here harm me nko? " 

Na him I say make I stand up from the oil run  again o,  as I just dey stand make I run(because of the slippery nature of red oil,) na so my feet slide fiam land me inside other Basins of oil, this time around na two Basin of oil I troway. Na there I give up!  Come tell myself say anything wey dey come make e come come meet me inside this oil o,  because to stand up sef come dey very slippery. 

I siddon there inside oil with fear sotay people run pass me finish come dey return back,  na that time my sister come realize say her sister no dey with am,  as people dey pass go back to where they were running from na so dem dey look me dey talk eyah  sorry o,  eyah  sorry o,  without even making efforts to help me stand on my feet from the oil o,  chai see shame! 

I come ask them wetin even cause the race? All of them said they don't know o, that they just saw people running and decided to  run too... Chai,  I felt like slapping all of them,  just because people were running in a market they all decided to run and then push me inside oil???? 

It was while I was still very vexed inside that oil na him my sister show,  na she come help me with two other people help me stand up  comot from inside the  oil. I was all drenched in red oil from head to toe inside market! Even weavon wey dey my head sef dey soaked.
Mind you,  I was wearing iro and buba and a short nika underneath.

NOTE:  All these while, The owner of all the oil wey I fall inside troway never come o.. Hmmmm.

My dear,  I come dey wonder how I go take comot from inside the market and then find a place to baff and change. Well,  one of the old women there now offered me one of her wrapper,  na inside market there I stand pull my iro,  but couldn't pull my buba as na only bra I wear and all eyes were on me especially that of all the wheel barrow pushers and agberos wey don set to look bobi.

I just tie the wrapper like that onto the oil stain buba,  find one small cloth clean my face make I go find Okada wey go carry me go  one of our relation house for that town.

To Waka from that point where they sell red oil reach road na him be the height of the embarrassment, i carry my oil stained bag for one hand dey waka,  na so people dey look me like say I be mad woman, some dey even give way sef make I no carry craze jam them.

 
On top this walk if shame wey I dey waka dey go make I go find okada na him one of my slippers come cut join.... Choii!!!
Na there tears full my eyes because as people dey look me so to bend down pick my cut slippers eh, the shame was raised to power infinity!!!!
Toh, how I go do,  I can't leave the slippers there, can I? I gat to bend down and pick it up.  Na so I pick slippers for one hand and  travelling bag for the other hand walk the  remaining walk of shame reach road. 

As I reach road to get okada na another story,  every okada wey I stop go look me from head to toe like mad woman, pass.  I no blame them o,  because I really looked like a fresh mad woman that day. I stopped eight okada until the ninth one was an old man,  as I stop the baba wey the baba look me finish won move na him I shout, "baba please I'm not mad, na person push me inside red oil abeg, any amount you want to take I will pay please". 

The baba look me well well again to be sure am not really mad and asked where I am going (the first okada man to ever ask me where I was going since I have been standing there),  I told him and even told him I will pay five hundred naira (for a fare of 70 naira).
Na so baba carry me I come dey narrate my ordeal to  am o,  the baba laugh nearly fall comot from bike.
As I reach our relation house pay baba him money I just knock,  I no wait for response sef before I  enter house,  the kids ran towards me to hug me I just screamed "stop there,  don't come close". As  I dey greet na so I dey waka pass dem go bathroom,  they were all staring at me,  I just tell them say I go explain when I am out of the bathroom.
My dear no baffing soap gree foam for my body o, Na ariel detergent powder I soak for bucket carry baff that day. I spent close to two hours dey baff.  It was when I came out that I explained to them what happened to me,  they were all laughing and rolling on the floor eh. Na that time my sister come call me from market say the owner of the oil don come back from her race dey parra say I must pay her for her oil wey I troway.  My sister just paid the woman jejely to avoid wahala from her sale before she come meet me for where I dey.
Na so I cancel my journey back to Gombe till the next day o.  

When I arrived Gombe my Zonal Inspector said he will punish me for not resuming to duty as expected,  as I begin tell the man wetin happen to me eh,  the man laugh so tay cough catch am,  na so ZI take forgive me o.
Stella,  I can never ever forget that day o,  since then till date,  any market wey I go and I see bowl of red oil,  na so I dey give gap dey increase my speed comot from that side oooooooo.

Sorry for the long epistle jare.

Aunty Lizzy 

HAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHA

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GIST FOUR

THE FLYING MEAT

There is a guy that has been on my case for sometime now. So one day he called and was like we should meet at a restaurant. I accepted. I dressed up, did my correct makeup and went to meet him. 

When I got there he was already seated. I joined him (I was doing correct shakara o) He called the waiter and we placed our order. I ordered for fried rice and chicken. The waiter said their chicken had finished so I went for beef.

They brought the food and as I was eating he was asking me questions and I was giving him one word answer. When it was time to eat the meat I tried to chew it but it was hard.

So I decided to use the knife and cut it. I used my fork to hold the meat and as I began to cut it with the knife. The next I saw my meat bounced from my plate. Instead of it to land on the ground it jumped into the plate of the person sitting close to us.

I was already embarrassed. The guy looked at me. I was like as I have embarrassed myself let me complete the embarrassment. So I stood up, carried my plate, went to the guy apologized and carried my meat from his plate. Since then I don't order for beef again o

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GIST FIVE

RITUAL ESCAPE

I just remembered a lie I told several years ago, that till date it is still a secret, no one knows the truth.

My dad was very strict when growing up , and usually beats me at the slightest late night back home after 7pm, he had the assumption that I had gone to see boys . One night , I got home late after going to my tailor's who had delayed me. My dad didn't believe me he chased me round the compound in rain beat me with Cane, had marks all over my upper arm.our neighbor even had to intervene .

So this fateful day, I had gone out again, to see my girlfriend. I realized it was like 8pm , then I had no mobile phone couldn't call home, so I hopped on an okada, that broke down and got home like 9pm.

As I entered the house, I saw my mum, my dad and siblings all in the parlor looking worried, immediately I saw the look on my dad's face

I just started crying , rolling on the carpet, shouting, ' you people should thank God oo,' the okada I entered almost used me for 'ritual ooo' he swerved on the way , entered into the bush , he had planned with some guys , but they rejected my head for the sacrifice o and let me go.

I was crying , breathing fast as I rolled from one end of the carpet to the other.

My mum now started crying!!! Saying oh my daughter , the devil has failed , he has failed.

So they took me to my room and prepared food for me to eat.

Trust my mum, the whole family had heard about my ritual escape and where trooping to the house to pay me visit, my mum had planned to give thanksgiving and testimony in church.

But knowing deep down say na lie I lie, I kept on telling her it wasn't necessary .

My cousin who is same age with me came to my house and wanted to know what had happened , she gave me the Kermit the frog 'side eyes' like she didn't believe me.

My father on the other hand, didn't even raise his thumb against me. Was just silent

I still laugh till today, when I think about it. No be me them go use my body as beating tool.

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