STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
IN LAW 'SITUATION'
Dear Stella, many thanks for this blog you created that have been delivering, supporting and helping people over the years. I have so benefited from this blog since 2012.
There is something i need our ardent bvs to help look into and their advice and yours will be highly appreciated. Kindly help post to the chronicles section or any other column you deem fit.
My mum was with me(outside Lagos) to do omugwo duties last year, then my husband's niece called me that she got a job in Lagos(she just finished NYSC last Nov) and she needed a place to stay in Lagos.
my mum told me when she got back, the house was so dusty and the dining area littered, she was so shocked.. that was not what she was expecting. Anyways, she cleaned every where, settled and started observing.(my mum is in her late 60s).This lady ( I'm far older than her) leaves the house in the morning and returns around 9pm every day, she also works on Saturdays but it is half day.
My mum feels if the lady will not buy anything, let her not use the ones she bought. my mum has passed that level of hiding foodstuff and toiletries from her. she has not given my mum N1 since she came (my mum is not even expectant) not even recharge card, she only helps with buying a bag of pure water and that is because my mum cant carry it over a long distance.
Now, being an in- law, my mum can't say anything.. she is just suffering in silence. she cant even rebuke her.I don't even want a situation where my mum will para for her because of accumulated issues , it wont be funny, she has not yet hinted when she plans to leave at least we will manage till the day comes.
Please bvs how can we handle this matter so it wont lead to quarrel, my mum wants her to leave, she is tired. Pls note that I'm currently with mum for some events and I'm a witness to these things, even me sef cant talk as per in-law tins.
Thanks so much!
Dear Stella, many thanks for this blog you created that have been delivering, supporting and helping people over the years. I have so benefited from this blog since 2012.
There is something i need our ardent bvs to help look into and their advice and yours will be highly appreciated. Kindly help post to the chronicles section or any other column you deem fit.
My mum was with me(outside Lagos) to do omugwo duties last year, then my husband's niece called me that she got a job in Lagos(she just finished NYSC last Nov) and she needed a place to stay in Lagos.
My mum lives in Lagos but she was with me at that time, so i told her and my mum was like no problems she can stay at my place in my absence. she sent her house keys to her and that was how she started staying in mumsy house this January .Off course we thought it will be a temporary arrangement till she can settle herself.
Fast forward to when mumsy's omugwo duties ended in march and she was so excited to go back home knowing she wont be alone in the house as her maid left a month she came to my place.
my mum told me when she got back, the house was so dusty and the dining area littered, she was so shocked.. that was not what she was expecting. Anyways, she cleaned every where, settled and started observing.(my mum is in her late 60s).This lady ( I'm far older than her) leaves the house in the morning and returns around 9pm every day, she also works on Saturdays but it is half day.
I understand her job is very demanding but that doesn't stop her from cleaning the house.
she cleans once a week (Sundays), which to me is very poor, my mum does the cleaning during the week. Also note that she cooks almost every morning before going to work( for her mouth only cos my mum is very selective as regards food) .My mum is not even angry cos of the cleaning but the fact that she uses the things in the house like soap and food stuff without replacing them.
she cleans once a week (Sundays), which to me is very poor, my mum does the cleaning during the week. Also note that she cooks almost every morning before going to work( for her mouth only cos my mum is very selective as regards food) .My mum is not even angry cos of the cleaning but the fact that she uses the things in the house like soap and food stuff without replacing them.
if she will buy anything like indomie or egg, it will be for herself alone. my mum is not working, her children give her upkeep money and she is trying to manage in this Buhari times. I am so pained because i have lived with people when my organisation transferred me outside Lagos, i have never been a leech on these people, i contributed my own quota to the running of the house, till today those people respect me and we are very good friends with no negative vibes.
My mum feels if the lady will not buy anything, let her not use the ones she bought. my mum has passed that level of hiding foodstuff and toiletries from her. she has not given my mum N1 since she came (my mum is not even expectant) not even recharge card, she only helps with buying a bag of pure water and that is because my mum cant carry it over a long distance.
Now, being an in- law, my mum can't say anything.. she is just suffering in silence. she cant even rebuke her.I don't even want a situation where my mum will para for her because of accumulated issues , it wont be funny, she has not yet hinted when she plans to leave at least we will manage till the day comes.
Please bvs how can we handle this matter so it wont lead to quarrel, my mum wants her to leave, she is tired. Pls note that I'm currently with mum for some events and I'm a witness to these things, even me sef cant talk as per in-law tins.
Thanks so much!
*Why cant you tell this young woman that her behaviour is a no go area?Are you scared to talk to her cos you think it will affect your Marriage?Then have your mum in law tell her that she doesnt like to stay with someone and needs her privacy...As simple as ABC!!!
There is nothing wrong in you calling her to order. Your mom should have done that long before you came but mom should be the one to so.
ReplyDeleteUse style to correct her. Tell her "abeg, u go dey help clean house when u can. E no good as old woman like mama go dey do all the cleaning." Tell her that things r expensive in this buharia times. She go try dry drop money to buy things 4 house since she sef dey use am. Tell her if she cook, make she dey put small 4 mama to eat.
DeleteSimple. Use style to pass the message across in front of her n ur mum so shame go catch her. If the girl no like am, she sef go pack commot.
Open your mouth and tell her to leave, cus I dint see where you mentioned your fathers name, it’s not everyone that knows how to be responsible, the young adults we have this generation act a certain way. They all want to be treated like adults but can’t take the responsibility that comes with it, you can’t stay in my house and not do anything, even if you a guy.
DeleteI totally understand how you feel, but can’t you guys report her to someone for now atleast give her a chance to change, if not let her pack her load and go, she dint come for vacation
There is one lazy Aunty that came to live with us while growing up. And she can't even cook to save her life. A period my mum travelled and my dad ask her to cook. The stew was not done. We could not eat it. This aunty was a working class o.
DeleteAnytime my mum is cooking she is upstairs watching movie and laughing. As soon as my mum finish and drop the food on gas
She is first to dish.
One Sunday my mum just finish making jellof rice and chicken. My mum finish and drop it in oven. Meanwhile aunty was watching movie upstairs. She didn't know mum was watching her from compound. As soon as she enter kitchen as the first to eat. Mama stopped her to drop that food. It was my dad that came to beg for her. You know when you have slaved to cook while someone is watching movie. Next thing you never chop and the person come remove spoon to dish the food. It was painful.
She later won lottery and moved to US. My mothers anger was she never helps and always ready to eat. Me though young that time it is a must you stand with my mum cooking. Even if you do nothing. Just ask if she need help. Whether it's just onions you will just even cut it or gisting with her.
Poster if you have a siblings, tell one of them to ask the babe to leave, that way, they can't pin it on you or your mum.
DeleteMy cousin staying with my mum exhibited same character with your DH's niece and I didn't say anything cos momsy doesn't joke with her brothers,and I knew she would certainly ask her to leave when she gets fed up,one day she she caught this big babe stealing money from her purse,she couldn't take it anymore and told her she wasn't comfortable with her staying,my younger brother living in the same state with my mum told her she can't live with him,she packed her things and left,your mom is well aged enough to call her to order,and ask her to leave,or you can talk to your husband.
DeleteDear poster, ask your husband to talk to his niece. It's that simple. Please bear in mind that these millennial children no too get sense and it's not their fault; they weren't raised well...
DeleteNo be this millennial children only,I have a cousin who is in her 40s and has a worse attitude than described by the poster,even the lady working for me is in her late 40s and behaves same way, she has borrowed more than 20k from me without paying back and I don't deduct from her salary yet she won't use her sense,I clean the shop while she sits and stares cos she is older, if I buy cleaning items for the store,she will take half of it home thinking I wouldn't find out etc.I am looking for a replacement.
DeletePoster speak to your husband about it. Your husband will be able to handle the situation since the lady in question is related to him
DeleteReasons why I don’t accommodate anybody anymore, especially friends! They are the worst, it never ends well ! They begin to have entitlement mentality! I have had very bad experience. Don’t even accommodate anybody in the first place.
ReplyDeleteIn-laws...taar, I no know eye wey them they serve oh. On my sons birthday, in-laws were invited, my sis in-law came with her 2 daughters. Mehn those girls lack mannerssss. They single handedly tore up all the decorations, I just they look, turned the parlour to a dumping ground but what broke the camels back was they were jumping around by 9pm. Their mum was just Looking at them and the action lady in me came out. I said, look girls, in my house you should be on your bed by 9pm, now move,immediately, they behaved and I no even look their mama face. Mschwww. I can't die in silence abeg. If na me, I go find way shift you for corner
DeleteSame here. Even if blood is coming out from your eyes, I can never accommodate anyone again. I've been called bad names bcos of that, due to the bad experience I had. If you love your mum, find a way to send that lazy girl out of your mum's place. Stop dying in silent.
DeleteI don’t understand, is it your husband or your niece’s family that built the house or paying the rent for your Mum or what’s this petting and walking on egg shells about? If you decide not to talk it’s only a matter of time before your Mum would lash out and by then it would be worse because people would say why did it take so long for her to react.
ReplyDeleteIf you or your mum can’t talk then let your husband know and have a talk with her as for me I won’t let anyone do that to my mum and I won’t care how I’m perceived because an adult should act as one but if they decide to act like a child I’d treat them as such just like this lady is acting. She has no excuse for these behaviors at least your Mum is old enough to birth so why the disrespect? You better put her in check before things escalate or ask her leave. Let her get money to rent a place or have her family help her with money to get a place where she can live large. Stop encouraging disrespect.
Some people just don't know how to live with others sha. You use things in the house but you don't contribute in buying anything.
ReplyDeletePoster she cleans only Sundays but you wrote there she works Mondays to Saturdays, her work is demanding nd she comes back late. Biko when do you now want her to do the cleaning during the week. You nd ur siblings should go get your mum a help abeg.
She cooks every morning. She should clean up after herself because someone is coming behind her to use the kitchen
DeleteIf it was her own house won't she keep it in order? What are you saying and also the fact you stay with someone means you should also contribute to the running of the house
Deleteobviously you are like her. if she is staying alone in her own apartment wont she make out time to clean. except of course she is comfortable living in a dirty environment.
DeleteSenorita Bonita .. you deserve a kiss for this comment.
DeleteI think the problem with this chronicle poster is this "I am better than them,therefore they should worship my feet mentality". Excuse me madam! That young lady is not lazy or dirty as you put it. She works morning to night, Monday to Saturday and still help clean the house on Sundays. Haba! Have Mercy. Put yourself in her shoes.
As for food stuffs and soap, it's better you talk to her about it. She might not know! I lived with Aunty B for Good 10 month and she frowned at me trying to run the house with my little money (this is someone I'm not even related to).
Life is not that hard dearie. Be accommodating. Be warm. Communicate and most importantly listen. No one knows tomorrow. Allow this young lady grow... She choose to do this 'slavery' job instead of selling her body. Trust me, jobs like this pays peanut.
Thank you Senorita, I live alone and I clean my house once a week.
DeleteThey want to turn the young lady to an "unofficial" maid, but the lady is beating them to their game.
Your mum's maid left last month, so when 're you getting another.
How much is the girl's salary sef.
You said she buys indomie and eggs, maybe she feels your mum doesn't like it.
Or she probably offered your mum once and your mum declined.
Please replace your mum's maid and leave your husband's niece alone.
chai God!u guys are the bomb. I won't be surprised if they are westerners, always wanting to demand so much from you when they help you. Abeg if you are not comfy with her just tell her to leave and don't turn her to a maid. You said your mum does not have issues with all these but she's complaining. mtcheeeeeeew..oshisco
DeleteU pple should grow up. They are somethings expected of a sensibly grown person. Who said she should clean the house everyday? She can clean up after herself when she cooksor stuff .Just little little things that won't take her time but will leave the place neat. And is she a fool? Why would u live somewhere and not contribute a bit. My neighbors had these ladies living with them. They would turn on AC leave it and go out. Would not contribute a dime to aedc credit or fuel for generator.dont clean. Nothing. Very clean working class girls. Until they read the riot act to them. At least offer first and let it be rejected. Make the girl borrow sense Abeg.
DeleteNo matter the work schedule as long as you are not in your own house or your father's house you have a role to play... I once lived with my uncle and his family and I wake up 4am to clean the house everyday before leaving for work which is 6am and return home late.in fact the days there is no light in the morning I make sure my touch light is ok. I just think that girl is just lazy. You better do something about it before she gives your mum HBP.
DeleteTruth
DeleteShebi you were doing good in-law. Oya load don come for you.
ReplyDeleteIt is your mum house and she has every right to tell her her mind instead of dying in silence.
You too good girl, you no get mouth? Come on talk to her and tell her what is wrong
Story of my life, they will not clean or help with anything and they will even use my things! Thank God they are gone. I ain't accommodating anyone again.
ReplyDeleteSorry madam. Please tell her to leave if she won't change. Nothing will happen!
One problem today in the society is that we often let people get away with their act. There is nothing to be afraid here, you people should talk to her and inform her that her attitude is bad and mom isn't comfortable anymore staying with her.
ReplyDeleteAs simple as abc. Poster please don't raise your kids with this mentality of suffering and smiling...
DeleteI would be reading comments
ReplyDeleteShe tried that she cleans the house monthly. What more can you ask for someone that works for 6 days out of 7 days.
ReplyDeleteAre you that senseless to say this ? The house she's not contributing anything ? What stops her to wake up very early to clean the house before leaving for work?
DeleteYou're a miserable somebody to conclude here with this your comment .
What type of mannerless person is that? She is not in her house or her parents house. What level of BS entitlement mentality is that?
DeleteDon.. as the help that she is abi. To wake up early morning and clean house. My friend will you keep quiet.
DeleteDon do you realise she may be leaving the house as early as 5.30/6 to beat traffic.
DeleteThe cleaning aspect I can't blame her for her every Sunday cleaning. I believe poster said once a week. Most working women can hardly clean more than once a week. We try to atleast clean the room and major area daily cos i cant stand dirt, but spring cleaning is Saturday once a week.
My thing is she should not be using things she can't replace and she should have atleast one bill she picks in the house. If it's Nepa or water bill.
The cooking in the morning you can't say if it's just rushed stuff like bread and egg she makes and she may not believe your mum will like it.
Just find a way to bring her attention to it in a loving way.
Some young girls are clueless. She may not even realise what she's doing.
Thank you anonymous 16:31
DeleteAbeg staying with some people is hard. You didn’t state that she eats food prepared by your mum and she gets to clean when she has time.
DeleteThe only fault here is her using things without replacing them. Mama should talk to her about it and you should get your Mum a maid.
If your mum does the talking, how does it affect your marriage?
ReplyDeletePlease call her to order. Considering the suffer my mama suffer for us, nobody fit inconvenience am now ooo. I will call the person to order or she can live else where if she chooses.
ReplyDeleteYour mum is old enough to correct her without her taking offence. She should sit her down calmly and in a very motherly tone and tell her that in life the two hands help to make each other clean. Or what’re that proverb is... The girl might carry face for a while but in future she will have her own home and understand better. Whatever happens you shouldn’t get involved because it will turn to something else.
ReplyDeleteLol. Such things can't happen in my house, cos I wasn't brought up in a 'suffer in silence' environment. See, when some relatives come to live with you, understand that they may not have good upbringing. Sometimes, they aren't doing such intentionally. It's just that they are ignorant of how their selfishness affects others. It's your mum's duty to call her to order, out of love. Let her know that this attitude can be detrimental to her relationship with others, even if you guys stomach it. And if she doesn't comply and it keeps bothering you, then remind her it's your house at the end of the day.
ReplyDeleteDon't inconvenience yourself for anyone, because if the reverse is the case they would not give a hoot. Be firm about how you want her to conduct herself while she lives with you. Never condone excesses in your house. Such people will leave tommorow and not look back. Remember that.
Your mum should also try giving her things to buy. Like filling gas, some electricity bills, refuse levy, and tell her to make stew 'for the house' on sunday. If she squeezes face let your mum keep face up like say she no dey see.
please where is a like button when you need it? Chikito, a million likes for this comment.I tell people 'Orientation 'is everything and some people where raised with a faulty one. Please parents it starts with us, let us try and raise our kids with the right orientation.
DeleteHmmmmmm iv lived with relatives in the past so I don't want to judge you much.
ReplyDeleteI don't think her cleaning once a week is bad if she returns home daily at 9pm daily. Not easy cleaning everyday at that time.
I will advise any young lady working to get her own small place or find a friend to share rent with.
This staying with people caused family problem. I lived with an aunt who didn't treat me so well especially after quitting my job because of maltreatment and target issue. Till today there are issues in the family which may not have occured if I didn't live there. I wasn't working and they still expected me to pay for the house dstv,buy some things for the house. Which I did when working but couldn't do again because I was jobless for a year. The dstv spoilt they said I should buy a new decoder of 60k PVR for them. Mind you these people have money and I heard they now pay their subscription for the year at once. Meanwhile when I was there even if I don't have the money. They will wait till I do.
I lost my respect in that house cos I was jobless and the husband even tried sleeping with me. But I left before they could chase me out when I got a new job because they were doing things to fraustrate me into leaving.
Their driver opened gate for me and caused a damage to another of their cars while closing the gate nonchalantly. They said I should pay for the damage. Which I refused.
Anyone that has the means please get your own place. Till today both families are no longer close to each other.
In all this I didn't see you address the issue but chose to tell your own story. Didn't you see the part that said she's working so her case is different from yours,nothing stops her from chipping in small small things like taking care of some bills.so if she was staying alone will she leave her house disorganised till Sunday to clean it up?
DeleteHmm all I see is that inlaw trying to sleep with you part, it seems like it's a thing amongst men now, to sleep with their wife's people. my oldest sister just gave birth last month,and I'm in their house for now, my eyes have seen things these few weeks. Her husband won't let me rest, he is always saying he likes my body, the way I walk, this and that. The first time he tried anything was when my sister was still in hospital after giving birth,that night, we were alone at home because my cousin travelled. He came to my room, and was begging me to allow him give me a head. The next day he acted as if nothing happened, since then, one rubbish or another. just last night as I was washing the dishes, my sister was in the room with my niece, Nepa took light, before gateman will put on gen, he came to hug me from behind, and touched my breast, im even too embarrassed to tell my sister (our mum is late) or even my bf all these things, meanwhile him and my cousin who also stays here are super close, now she watches movies till late at night, and comes to the room to get set for school around say 5am while the man stays out side to chill with his dogs and also smoke till late in the night, so I'm now thinking maybe they do somthing at night, though I don't have proof, I can't just wait to go back home.
DeleteHmmm.... are you the type who will say you're unemployed, but you buy new hair, fix fresh nails every week and buy aseobi? Na question I ask oooh.... cos in such cases, they may be tempted to keep throwing bills at you.
DeleteAnon you failed to see the part I said i can't judge but brought a dimension instead advising young girls to get their own small place if they can afford it. To avoid family drama.
DeleteDid you see the part I said i paid DSTV bill of 14,700 even when I wasn't working and food items. I hardly ate their food because all I mostly eat is beans,sweet potato etc. But I still bought stuff.
My problem was when I didn't have a job I was still paying and they still send their house boy to collect money for chicken from me. I would still do those things from my savings. My pain was you knew I was broke and jobless and your decoder spoilt I brought a technician with my money who adviced buying new decoder and you people expected me to buy a 60k PVR while not working. They also have a son living at home but he is irresponsible and won't even answer them.
I really do not mind contributing to a household. But my problem is when that person is down. Please be understanding. AFTERALL I did all this with ease while working.
I know what I experienced there. The husband started hating me just because I refused his advances.
As soon as I got a new job I left immediately as I didn't have any other relatives in PH. They are all in Enugu and I'm in oil industry so PH has to be my base.
Until you have experienced Some things don't be quick to judge.
Let this poster advise the girl to pick maybe Nepa bill in the house. Then address the rest in a loving way. We havnt heard this girls side.
You stayed with relatives for a year without a job. You guys tried. Just like it was difficult for you same applies to them
DeleteWhich one is in law things? Someone is making your mother uncomfortable and you accept that shit cuz of in law things? It's people like you that take raw hot shit from in laws in the name of marriage. Imagine an in law coming to stay with you and misbehaving? You will keep quiet? Please speak out.if she is offended by simple corrections, she is very mad. Rada rada oshi!
ReplyDeleteThere was a family friend of ours a boy of like 23 years that wanted to come and stay with my mum. That my mum has free room since she stays alone.
ReplyDeleteWe had to reject it o. How will a grown man of 23 come and stay with a woman of almost 60 years .
He will now be misbehaving and we won't be able to caution him. A boy that is an only child and very spoilt.
My mum said she will even loose her privacy. One won't be able to tie wrapper freely or be free in one's house. And it's a 3 bedroom.
If you don't have food stuff and just managing yourself. They will say you are starving him.
You gan you are confused. Is 23 years a boy or a man? Make up your mind.
DeleteStory of out lives till the loafer moved out late last year. 5 good years going to six. His case was worse than this. He never bought anything or did anything. Take thrash out wahala. My mum of course took all his BS and would never allow anyone call him out. She didn't want trouble with her sister that sent her own secondary school son out in the night to go back to boarding house and Lagos alaye almost lynched if not for a neighbor that recognised him. What you allow is what will continue. God has delivered us lol in the most funny way (long story). Your mother doesn't need stress. Call the girl out. Those who behave like that were brought up a certain (useless forgive my French) way. Mistakenly go to someone's house and your phone won't stop ringing from my mum telling you what to do in that house. Buy this, clean that, cook this, wake up early and do work before going out. Whew! Cousin of mine feel free to read and report back to your mum. Una kuku know say I no send person. 😏
ReplyDeleteExactly! My mother will beg you to not inconvenience anyone and tell you how to behave (Incase you have forgotten). Me I've lived with relatives too many times, the good ones don't hide. It's the bad ones that you will regret housing that come with drama.
DeleteVery true. There are some you will beg not to go or become very excited whenever they say are coming.
DeleteNo need suffering in silence. Let your mom send her parking since she's not using in any way at home.
ReplyDeleteShe's working and getting paid but can't contribute in cleaning the house at when due or be useful in the house upkeep
Poster, your mum should call her to order. What arrant nonsense.
ReplyDeleteI will type in all caps.
ReplyDeleteYOUR MOTHER IS UNCOMFORTABLE AND YOU ARE TOLERATING AN IN-LAW? ARE SOME OF YOU MAD? YOUR MOTHER WHO JUST CAME TO CATER TO YOU AND YOUR BABY IS UNCOMFORTABLE AND YOU ARE WALKING ON EGGSHELLS TO SET THIS ILLMANNERED GIRL STRAIGHT.
What work is she doing that will not let her even act like she is an adult. Even if she can't clean, she should contribute to the upkeep of the house. Your husband is the one who needs to be told and he needs to then start sending (if he has not) things to meet up for your mother. What are you walking on egg shells for?
Your mum should be the one to talk to her. She apparently got that training from home. How can someone clean a house only once a week because she goes to work? There are married women who go to work daily, have kids and still take care of their home. She doesn't see anything wrong in what she is doing (due to upbringing) so she should be corrected in love sha.
ReplyDeleteDon't tell your husband. It will backfire. Let another sibling of yours or cousin. Or last last your mum do this "dirty" work
ReplyDeleteYour mum should call her to order! What is the big deal in correcting someone?
ReplyDeleteWhether na Royal Marriage you dey protect so oo.. Please your mum should talk to her and if she feels offended, she may pack up and leave , to the glory of God.
ReplyDeleteChrist did not die on the cross for your mother to come and be uncomfortable in her own home.
Poster even as I am, if any of my in-law, be it younger or older came to visit me and they don't do things the way I want it, I call them to order, lovingly though.. I can't discomfort myself to the enjoyment of one person, it's better you call her to order before things get out of hand
ReplyDeleteLet your mum talk to her.some people really have bad upbringing or should I say they are naturally ill-mannered.
ReplyDeleteI don't know why some people cannot apply common sense, even if she is working from Monday to Saturday as far she enters kitchen to cook she can as well do little clean up fast fast before leaving home . Look for any of your relative to put her to where she belong.
ReplyDeleteNigerian women worship marriage, not God. That’s a sin. Two chronicles in one month women have chosen marriage over their children. Now a woman prefers her aging mother suffer discomfort in her own home over possible argument with her husband. Nigerian men are the god in Nigeria. Yet if it’s to attack or insult a fellow woman because they don’t like her dress or how when posts on Instagram they turn to warriors and lions. Enough is enough. This is too bad. Please speak up before your mum develops high bp or stroke (Godforbid)
ReplyDeleteThis issue is simple abeg,,just call her to order and if she can't adhere then she should leave..u can't satisfy anyone at the expense of ur mum..
ReplyDeleteMc pinky
Set her straight immediately if she can't adjust let her leave, it's that simple
ReplyDeleteSet her straight immediately if she can't adjust let her leave, it's that simple
ReplyDeletePoster, What was the agreement before she moved in? I will fault you and your mother for not laying down the terms of accommodating her. The problem is that we Nigerians lack communication skills so we often fail to address issues until they get out of hand. What was required of her should have been clearly spelt out as she was moving in. It's careless to assume that people know the right thing to do and that they'll do it even if they know it.
ReplyDeleteI don't think this is a major deal that cannot be sorted out. Let mum as the elderly person in this situation talk to her in a mature and loving way about the 'house rules'. If you guys prefer that she cleans more than once a week, then let her know but personally I feel its unfair and unreasonable to expect a working graduate who closes by 9pm to clean the house everyday. I say this because I work late too and know how tiring it can get. And please don't expect her to clean before going to work because when you come home late, you tend to eat late, sleep late and wake up late too, its a cycle that may not allow early morning chores.
The girl may be a little selfish for not helping out with groceries butcould it be its because she doesn't earn very much and is prolly spending the little she has on TP? All I'm saying is don't be too quick to find fault and apportion blame when there is no need to. This is a young girl who is just starting out in life and needs your support, show a bit more empathy because you don't know whose help your kids will need in future.
You have said it all, God bless you, the problem with most Nigerians is when you ar staying with them, they want you to turn you unofficial househelp
DeletePoster......you're the one creating issues for your Mum.You are the one bringing all this disrespect to your mum. Since she's through with the omugwo, let your husband's niece leave your mum's place and come over to your house.....it's better that way, she can do anything she likes in her uncle's home.....please, your mum deserve some accolade...
ReplyDeleteI dunno how to say all these,but to stay with person dey hard
ReplyDeleteShe's wrong tho for not supporting the house,but it may be cause shee spends her money on tfare,poster your mum selects...she should ask her what to prepare for her daily,when she wants to beat traffic?but in all these,you've not even spoken to the girl,maybe she'll adjust...you've not told who's suppose to hear this,but the whole world already knows...to fix any problem,just talk about it..its no biggie...if it's your own younger sister still staying at home,with this kindda peanut job,will shee pick up bills?dyhu know how much she's paid,if she's tired of the job?how her day went?Communication is just better,she may just be struggling and you assuming
You don't hear of such things happening abroad. That's because they are encouraged to be independent . What is wrong with getting her own place? We dont respect privacy at all
ReplyDelete.Poster so you want your mom to continue suffering because of so called peace in your marriage??What sort of man is a husband that you cannot talk too...your husband.....this is ridiculous
In my opinion the mother in-law should have the conversation with the lady. Its her home and she is the lady's benefactor. The conversation should be very calm and as polite as possible. There is no need to fight. I imagine a script such as this playing out (feel free to borrow and modify as you choose):
ReplyDeleteFree loader in-law: Good evening ma.
MiL: Hello dear. How was your day?
Free loader in-law: It was good ma. Thank you.
MiL: When you are settled in, I need to have a word with you.
Free loader in-law: Hope nothing ma?
MiL: The conversation is about ensuring that there won't be. There is something we need to nip in the bud.
Some time later...
Free loader in-law: I am ready ma.
MiL: My dear, I need you to give me an honest answer to this question. What do you think we are doing here?
Free loader in-law: I don't understand ma.
MiL: OK, I will tell you. You asked for a place to stay. I offered this place to you gladly. So, what we are doing here is that I am treating you as family and offering the help and support you needed to settle into your new job. In contrast, I am not running an hotel. If I was, then you will be paying for and enjoying a bunch of services. Let's say you rent the space you use here outside, it will cost you say about N200,000. You will pay for two years rent and pay agent's fee. So, you will pay something in the range of N550,000 to N600,000. If you have not thought about it, what I have done here is show you kindness, help make sure you get off on your new job with as little distraction as possible and I have also given you a gift worth N550,000 to N600,000 in value (or some fraction of this sum at least). I have not asked for anything in return. But without asking, I am getting something in return. In return I am getting to clean up after you, buy supplies for both of us. It is not all negative returns, as least I get help with carrying pure water sometimes and I have an occasional companion in the house.
Now my dear, tell me. Do you think this is a fair and sustainable arrangement?
Free loader in-law: (probably feeling awkward), no ma.
MiL: I think it is in order then that as an independent hard working woman you can find a place of your own where an old woman won't be complaining about you and you can enjoy all the freedom you need.
Free loader in-law: I am sorry ma.
MiL: Don't be, you are like my daughter after all so I am glad I was able to help but I am unhappy with the way it is going right now. Still I don't want you stressed. I know you are a busy woman. So, you can take 2 months looking for a new place, right? I can even help you ask around if you tell me the kind of place you want and your budget.
Free loader in-law: I am sorry ma. I will start looking.
QED!!!
In any relationship you have with anyone ,problem will start when you start nursing grudges, when someone is doing what you don't like in a polite way call them to order. your mum did not do well in this matter, why didn't she talk to the girl instead of reporting her to you, now you are seeing her in a bad light. let your mum call her and talk to her like a mother and daughter.
ReplyDeleteThe girl should please leave. It's very difficult staying with someone in lagos. Her maid left, so your mother was happy to have found a new replacement. Moreso for free. Someone leaves the house early, cones back late at night, and still manage to clean the house on a sunday, which is the only day left for her. Yet your mum is unsatisfied , as she is already used to a maid cleaning on a daily basis.
ReplyDeleteShe offers your mum food, but your mum is very selective when it comes to food. Yet, she is not satisfied. I very much doubt that she doesn't buy stuff at home. If not for anything, for her own personal use. When they want to chase a squatter from the house, everything becomes an excuse. Your mum is tired, because she did not see household quality. It's that simple, don't paint her bad. Just let her go.