STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
PARANOID
I've pretty much being a loner and loved solitude all my life, all thanks to my temperament- melancholy and background.
I lost my dad at the young age of eleven and even though things were bad when he was alive, it became worse after his demise. We visited no one and no one visited us. We were practically isolated from everyone. We struggled so hard to afford the basic things of life and since we were in so much lack, people avoided us.
I grew up believing it was alright not to have any one around you.
Fast forward to adulthood, I got married to an amazing and good man. I love him to bits, his family and even those in our neighborhood love him so much. Unlike me, he loves going out and meeting people. He can't stay a day without going to visit people and he loves people visiting him. He loves the noise of so many people around him laughing, cracking jokes and being merry. I on the other hand hate noise, unnecessary visitation and disorder. In all of these, I am still respectful, cordial and relate well with people around me.
An incident happened to me two years into my marriage that left me hardened and bitter inside. I further retreated into my shell. Prior to these, I had a few friends but after it, I cut everyone off. I don't pick any calls, when my hubby suggests we visit his extended family that reside in the same state with us, I blatantly refuse or most times come up with an excuse why I can't go. When I see my neighbours, I pass them without saying a word and when they greet me, I manage to mumble a reply. I am that PARANOID.
My hubby has incessantly complained, appealed, had a heart to heart talk with me and each time I promise to change but after a little period, I go back to default.
My in-laws are not even helping matters, hubby's brother comes to the house more than four times in a week , his house to ours is about ten minutes. Once he comes, the first thing he does is to either go to the toilet to poo or urinate. Hubby's niece who is learning hair-making very close to us can breeze in up to three times in a day. I end up locking and opening the door non-stop. Sometimes I deliberately ignore because I am fed up of the endless opening and closing. When she comes visiting again and I open the door, she'll make snide remarks like, "so she opened the door today" in Yoruba. If I ask her what she said, she'll tell me to my face she wasn't referring to me. Whenever she visits I don't hesitate to give her food and even start cooking just to make sure she eats. Most times I deprive myself of food just to make sure she is well-fed. But I just dislike the unnecessary lingering.
This issue has caused a strain in my marriage and I'm tired of making my hubby sad. My hubby says my attitude has driven his family away from him. I don't know how to change.
*Fix this horrible behaviour whilst you can before it is too late.
Maybe you will get some sound advice on how to change,if you dont,you will end up alone,angry and frustrated.
@ Poster link honey or any sweeten things,,you will be fine..
ReplyDeleteGod fix it for you..
but if she link honey or any sweeten things, it will draw bees to her which will sting her and all the sweeten things wont be sweeten again.
DeleteI'm sure this is my neighbor downstairs oh ...very sick lady
DeletePoster, I understand you and can be like that sometimes and am married. But, YOU HAVE TO UPGRADE YOURSELF! Your husband is a good man, in your words, do it for him and for YOURSELF. Try!
DeleteMarriage is a daily compromise.
Maybe get a job so that you don't get irritated by your sil per minute visitation (u won't be at home anyway). Make friends with ur bil so that his stinking shit does not disgust u too much.
Dress up, make up and go out with hubby. Maybe your good looks will be a conversation starter. Reply people. Why u dey fear??? Laugh loud. Read books so that u know a lot about a lot and can contribute meaningfully to conversations.
Read books on how to initiate conversations. Start with small talk. Smile often consciously. Do something consciously. Don't spoil your good life because of events of yesterday.
Do something to try and let your good hubby help u. Don't give that man headache o. Yoruba families are almost always loud and restless . you're in theirs for good. Try to love them that way and be PATIENT. just tell yourself in your mind "they won't be here forever". allizwell
Anon 16:09
DeleteWell said.
Dear poster, there's nothing ABSOLUTELY wrong with you. People like you are many. We can't all be the same.
The only BUT I see not replying to greetings. Please try to work on that.
Like I said, you are not alone.
You have to work on yourself, you don’t expect him to be an island because he married you
DeleteThat is it Push up. Poster, just because he married you, don't expect him to give up on his family and friends. I used to be very quiet and it affected my relationship with people but I worked on myself and I can gladly say I am better now than I was before. Poster, since your husband is a good person and you love him, pls try and change for him. At first it might be hard but eventually it will be easy. Read books on how to relate with people and make small talks. It will well with you dear
DeleteO girl, don't change for anyone. Do what makes you happy. Your hubby should have married his type. Don't open the door for that girl again, she should learn to respect your privacy.
DeletePoster you need to see a psychiatrist/psychologist. This is bothersome and should be treated as such. This is bordering on social disorder.
DeleteI think my brother's wife wrote this
DeleteLol
The diff is that there is no brother cos my brother is d last male and no niece learning how to make hair but the part of indoor n not mingling with her is people , up to date i dont know my brother's house cos even me i no like disturbance but i like meeting people and i greet alot
Cos of d way the lady is every one stays away from them but my bro can visit us almost every day
It is well** with
DeletePeople I know with this type of personality are usually introverts with an intimidating persona that make them prone to rejection, but they still make the effort to greet and network. So what’s your excuse for not returning greetings? Madam change that habit before you drive yourself to depression. You are home all day and to open door is a challenge? And you are even counting how many times your bil uses the toilet. 😯
DeleteIt seems to me you are bored. Get off the couch dear, get a job, slay and go out with your husband, gist and gossip with your sister in laws next time she visits, borrow and analyze a movie from your neighbor and you will see how fun it is to relate with people.
You need to change, and that is the simple truth.
ReplyDeleteWhy does she need to change? Why can't her husband change his over-welcoming attitude? Must it be the woman that will always compromise. Well the only problem I see here is that she does't like greeting or responding well when they greet her.
DeleteAs for me, her husband should minimize the way his family come to their house to disturb his wife every hour of every day. It doesn't make any sense. I can understand if you entertain every weekend or once in a while, but people breezing in and out every day is a no no.
My husband is also someone that likes to enter neighbor's houses. He can't just stay in his own house. Same for his siblings living with us. They will come back form work and first go and gist from one neighbor's house to the other. I would go home and clean and cook for them and when they are tired and hungry around 9 or 10, they'll come home to eat and sleep. This was so annoying at the beginning cos I was not brought up like that. I realized it was their upbringing cos they are all like that. My mum always say your friends should be a bit far away cos if your neighbor knows all your secret, then they will use it to insult you. Same things goes for family, you have few ones that are really close enough for you to trust with your issues but not to give everyone access to you as much as visiting three times a day. when you are married, learn to know what your spouse like and you should BOTH try to compromise a bit. My husband is changing gradually cos now he wants to play with his baby before she sleeps but his siblings are not ready to change and there is nothing I can do about that cos they are adult and I know one day, they will leave my house.
As for me, all my neighbors think I am snobbish cos I don't like to enter their flats to gist about my marriage or issues. I am very friendly when we meet outside in the compound. We gist about general things like politics, big brother issues and so on. Please there is nothing bad if you are private but please don't take it too far by ignoring people's greeting. please work on that.
I can't marry a man like this poster's husband. I'm very friendly and all, but I love my privacy. Can't have people coming in and out of my house like every freaking day. What kind of life is this?..Just learn how to greet and respond to greetings. I think u are very normal. Your husband and family are the ones not normal.
DeleteMay be I read this upside, my dear nothing is wrong with you. We are all different and as long as you are not being wicked to anyone, I repeat nothing is wrong with you.
DeleteI will also be fed up if my brother comes to my house 3 to 4 times a week even my own brother too.
We are no longer teenagers, there is time for every thing, I love my privacy, your brother in law can come every weekend or other weekend. if your husband thinks it is ok to visit people everyday then something is wrong with him.
Nigerians have the mentality of it is my son or brothers house and think they can just show up in your house anytime. I actually inform my brother's wife first if I have to visit them, out of respect I tell her before I even tell my brother.
Try and compromise just for the sake of your husband , you can bend a little but those people should also visit reasonably and stop constituting nuisance. I wonder why I will be running to my brother or sister's house every day? Joblessness at its peak.
As for your neighbours, did they offend you? Try and be cordial with people , greet, smile and go your way.
Anoymouss 16:03, you need help because you sound like a bitter soul.
Delete@Poster ... You need to stop that stinky attitude. Change now before its too late. Once you succeeded in changing your hubby to something else, then you'll hate your marriage.
Anon 16:03, your hubby and siblings may be running to the neighbors because you ain't friendly.
DeleteI remember when I stayed with my uncle in my first year in the university. His wife put a padlock on the freezer cos of me. I had never seen such in my life. The way I cried. I often stayed back in campus attending any group meeting in sight just so I could get home late. Funny enough her sister was around and she treated her nicely.
That incident made me decide to treat people well especially my hubby's family. Life isn't that hard. My aunty died with her two kids in my second year 😢 .
Please treat people well. They won't stay forever . No one knows tomorrow.
Kai i keep saying this there are too many bitter women on this blog. Something needs to be done about some blog visitors. @Poster since you like yourself so much why did you marry?
DeleteHorrible and ugly and dirty behavior.. You r doing yourself. People that greet you are very stupid for doing that. Your husband self good, cos if na me you for don run. As if na people cause your problems. Shift jare. Next.....
ReplyDeleteStupid woman. You brought your problems from tour home into mine and caused issues with my family.
ReplyDeleteI am not married but that constant breeze in and out of someone’s home is rather annoying o and I personally wouldn’t want that. Maybe if you had an help, the responsibility of opening door and cooking would be on the person, yours would just be to show face, smile, nod and go back inside.
ReplyDeleteI don’t get why your husband wants you to change to suit him, why isn’t he also piping down his behavior so as to stop making you look bad? Anyway, since you want to please him then visit these people with him once in a while and ask his niece to go into the kitchen and make something for herself when she visits sometimes. I’m also like this, I don’t like crowd but I compromise sometimes with the boo to visit his family and friends but he understands when I tell him to go without me.
@Doppelganger..I am married amd i dont like it either,i grew up in a very small family,Father,Mother and 2 kids,just 4 of us...But me i greet people ,just that i odnt want people in my space and i dont like visiting,i just want to be on my own,hubby understand and when he is going to visit or going for a function he doesn't bother to force me
DeleteI'm a very private person n I hate that visiting up and down. That how one girl was always visiting the house daily, believe me coming down n up the stairs to open door is not easy. One day she came n I made sure she heard my voice from upstairs. She knock die, call tire n decided to leave. Since that day that rubbish stop. You try my dear to be opening door ten time. And leaving near in-laws can be tiring, I had one ex that the sister husband comes to the house daily he calls himself a politician. All the time he at my ex house n the wife too n they live very close. Tufiakwa oh. A day can never pass. How do people visit people like that cos even if the person is my blood I can't oh.
DeleteDoppel, very annoying, very annoying. Even as a single person my friends know better than just show up in my house.I will literally go crazy if I were in posters shoes, inukwa visiting us almost everyday, for what? Mstchew.
DeleteMen are very selfish, he likes people around my foot!! Let him enter the kitchen and cook for them now?? Why won't he like when he is not the one doing the wahala.
DeleteWomen are very bitter. If you love your space so much and you love yourself so damn much...please do not marry.
DeleteI understand you!
ReplyDeleteYou just like your personal space, ohwell, unfortunately, the Nigerian marital system is against this
I could be like this at times, I have no advice for you, I just hope you can work things out.
I live continents away, so no family, and you have to call before you visit.
E-hugs!!!!!
Poster i get u quite alright bcos everybody mustn't be 'the life of d party' but den you have to be cordial with people around you.
ReplyDeleteYou can always say hi or hello to ur neighbours wen u see dem outside or on ur way out.
As for your hubby's niece dat comes around close to 3 times a day, u can give her a spare key dat way, u don't have to go open d door all the time.
And lastly poster, do things dat liven ur mood. If it listening to music, playing games,it could be anything just do dem.
lets know what happend that made you bitter. u might need help processing it and from there you can begin to change.
DeleteWhy shod the niece be ckmcom there evedyday? They don't even call before coming.
DeleteChrist fix her.
ReplyDeleteThere is not a single thing wrong with you Hun.its the psychological effect of how u were raised
ReplyDeleteI am this way too . My mum was a disciplinarian . Very tough on us from childhood well into our teenage years. There are two of us, my sister who is way older than me. We rarely went anywhere except school, never visited anyone or allowed visitors. When my sister left home for uni and saw life on the outside, she became a rebel and would speak up and fight mum whenever she came home on breaks . By the time I turned 18 , mum had mellowed! So much that she allowed my boyfriend visit me at home much to the surprise of everyone..,
But it was too late for me..it has damaged me.I can't form any social life up till now( well into my 20s) .i don't have a single friend, I am like a complete mute. It's me and my mobile all day everyday. So very difficult to forge relationships. I am learning to relate with people and get outside more and allow people into my space gradually
You too can...
Go and read how to make friends and influence people by Dale Carneige. It will help you break out from your nest.
Deletei go need this book too o. but its costly. 6k
DeleteI was raised same way in a civil servant home. I worked worked as a personal assistant where i rarely relate with people. This affected me a lot up-till recently i decided to open my own company. It is so difficult for me to market my brand. I will be so nervous any time i have a meeting with a client. I remember my first meeting i was shaky all through the meeting. I had to start working on myself. Using google and youtube to learn and practice. My point is try and make yourself better. Speak to someone about your past, forgive those that have offended you. If people praise you of this ugly attitude. Don't forget they wont bear the outcome with you. And the only outcome of this your attitude will still remain more bitterness for you.
DeleteParanoia is gradually knocking at your door. Visit the nearest neurosurgeon/psychiatric doctor.
ReplyDeletePoster, invite Jesus into your life as your Lord and personal saviour. He will wash away that bitterness and resentment eating you up. He will give you a new beginning filled with joy and happiness.
ReplyDeletePoster didn't you know that your hubby was an extrovert before you married him? You knew quite well that you don't like noise and razzmatazz but you went ahead to marry someone of that nature, and to make matters worse, you married into a Yoruba family. Babe,you are in for it!
ReplyDeleteYou just have to learn to be more accommodating or better still, discuss with your hubby. He should be able to understand your kind of person and find how he can reduce the whole lack of privacy in your home.
Don't be an introvert or someone that is conscious of his/her space then go ahead to marry into a large family, unless you are willing to change. it will only get you frustrated on the long run. Marry your kind!
Are u an island?
ReplyDeleteMrs Korkus, please don't call her behaviour horrible. She's just an extremely introverted person and that's normal. And I like the fact that her husband is extraverted and she is making conscious efforts to change. This personality trait cannot be changed in a day but every effort to change would result in better interpersonal relationships in the future. I'm an introvert too. I used to live in my own world alone but now I'm more tolerant of people. I now make efforts to call, visit and text people so as to keep in touch. You can start with that, dear poster.
ReplyDeleteThis is not the case of of an extremely introverted person but somebody whose spirit, soul and body is extremely bitter. Why will neighbour great you and you refuse to answer.
Delete@Poster, everything is wrong with you. If you are not careful, you'll loose that good man.
She is not bitter, she is just scared of rejection. She just doesn't know how to mingle. Her spirit is not bitter...smfh
DeleteThe not normal ones are her husband's people. Don't they have lives of their own? Coming in and out of another person's house like everyday. God knows I can't even take once every day.
Dear Poster, I think you need help. You need to see a counselor. So that you can work through your fears. And get over this. It may have developed as a habit but its bigger than that because something caused the habit.
ReplyDeleteBut you need to work on it, and take a deep breath. Now you have in-laws. You need to make your hubby understand how you feel so he can help starting with being patient and helping you work/walk through it. You will be fine. You are asking for help and counsel by coming out to share. So you are on your way to recovery.
You can also really take time to pray about it and God will help and heal you.
Sending you ehugs.
Stella she doesn't have an horrible behavior SHE IS JUST A LONER.
ReplyDeletePeople forget that everyone cant be like them...some people just enjoy their own company and do not do it out of disrespect or pride,they just LOVE BEEN BY THEMSELVES.
Poster I understand you very well but you see in Africa communal living is the way of life here...when you marry a man you marry his family and friends and ASSOCIATING WITH THEM IS A MUST
So henceforth try been the lively person. Infact initiate the visits to family and friends at least twice a month.
Encourage your husband to bring home his friends to watch football in the house,buy them beer and prepare them food...Do this continuosly twice every month for the next 6 months and soon everyone will love you, as PEOPLE LIKE FREE FOOD.
Be mentally prepared when you are having guests,put on a happy behavior and soon your quarrels with your husband will be a thing of the past.
Don't despair there is nothing wrong with you,you just need to act more accommodating when you have guests around...cheers😊😊😊😊
Stop lying... You don't understand her at all. OP is not just a loner but bitter soul that Jesus to give her Joy.
DeleteI don’t think so o, she’s doesn’t just have love for people outside her blood. If am her in laws I will never go to that house again. Let her chop the man.
DeleteLove eating pussy....please ignore all this stereotypical peeps Jor!!! Poster nothing is wrong with you, ignore all this people saying horrible things about you. Bunch of losers who want everyone to be like them. Just work on the normal rapport but still keep them out of your privacy. Nosy set of people..mmmttccssshheeewww
DeletePlease poster you are fine and need personal space,don't listen to them,I was once like you until I became so sick one Friday night, I fainted and regain consciousness, I could walk, I was dizzy and didn't know where my fone was,I passed out again because I didn't eat or drink..Sunday morning I dragged myself to my window and saw my neighbours kids playing,I tried to signal to them but they ran away and thought I was coming to yell at them to stop disturbing my peace.
ReplyDeleteI layed down and saw my landlord I mumbled but he looked at me and quickly looked away because I don't greet him.
Pap seller came to sell my Sunday usual and she saw me and shouted for help..nobody answered her because it me,it was when she said I was dying that that foolish landlord came and broked the door to help me out,others came and they threw me in my own car like a dead wood,in my mind am like..wait till I get better..you people will see pepper
The person driving my car almost burn my clutch.
I tried to caution him but no energy,I was admitted for 5 days and not even one member of my family knew it called
It was the nurse that did everything and when I was about to be discharged I abused one nurse that I overheard saying..this one no get person? I told her off and said was I the one she refered to as "this one"
Back home ...I didn't change instead I tightened up
I no send...poster people are evil and insatiable
I thought you were going to say you changed your attitude in the end, but here you are..
DeletePoster, this exactly is why you need to change. That's a dangerous way to live. Nobody is an island and if you continue this route, you'd pay dearly for it. Greet people around you, quit being a snob. I hate when I greet someone and they don't respond. If you try it, that's the end of my greeting for life o.
Talk to your husband about his family breezing in and out every other hour. Both of you should be able to adjust your behaviour and compromise where necessary. The onus is on both of you, not just you.
Meanwhile, get something doing. Could be a job or a set up a business. Just anything that'd make you go out in the morning and cone back in the evening. Your in-laws are breezing in and out because they know you're home. When they hear that you've got a job, they'd stop coming around, save for weekend. Or would they ask you to drop spare key for them? Get busy!
Hahahahahahaha. This is actually funny to me. So you still didn't change.
DeleteANON 15:43, YOU ARE WRONG! VERY WRONG!! YOU COULD HAVE DIED AND NO ONE WILL KNOW. EVEN THOUGH YOUR BODY STARTED SMELLING, THEY EITHER WOULDNT CARE OR WOULD BE TOO AFRAID TO REACH OUT. PLEASE ADJUST THIS SMELLY BEHAVIOUR. AH AH!!
DeleteYou are still calling your landlord foolish even after he helped you with your nasty behaviour.
DeleteI think they should have left you to die sef
Anon!!!! Chai! So after all they did to help your life you still didn't change your attitude. Even in that situation you were conscious of your burning clutch..your own weak me🙌🙌
DeleteHAHAHA, and you say people are wicked, you are the wicked one, see how children that are peaceful beings ran away from you, even the nurse you still had a problem with, better change o
DeleteIf this your story is real please go to mountain of fire for deliverance. You have no conscience abeg. Change, no one knows tomorrow.
DeleteAnon 15:43 you need to change for real. This your comment made me laugh but it’s not funny at all. Dear poster it doesn’t take much to respond to greetings from people apart from that there’s nothing wrong with you in my opinion.
DeleteClap for urself.
DeleteThis one na rehearsal/warning.
A more serious something may still happen to you,and no one will lift a finger to help you
Haahaaahaaa!!
DeleteI had a good laugh.
So despite all that happened to you you didn't change?
Truly truly, your case is different in a hopeless kind of way!
Except you were being sarcastic 🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔
You survived this one right, how sure are u that you will survive another. Na wah and person will date your type. Oso Usein Bolt.
DeletePoster, one of the reasons you're paranoid is probably that you tend to assume the worst in any situation, and focus on the worst thing that can happen instead of being realistic about the possible outcome. We need people in our lives at one point or the other. So brace up to it.
ReplyDeleteMake attempts to be happy although it’s not gonna be easy because you’re wired differently, play music, practice being cheerful and smile always. You can keep a note around your house like “smile and be happy”, just a reminder.
Make moves to hang out with your husband when he ask for it. Gradually, you would possible come out of your shell.
Dear poster, you are not alone. I have similar traits but you did not say if you have kids or not. Kids makes things better because you will not have a choice but to talk to them, talk to their teachers and friends. There's nothing more I love to do than be in my bedroom alone relaxing. I'm married with 3kids so now my kids are my buddies. I don't like to talk all the time, I don't like chatting unnecessarily with pple, I don't smile very often, I love to face my front and mind my business. Luckily for me, hubby understands this although he complained initially, I'm married to a Yoruba man and I'm not Yoruba so I don't let my in-laws petty talk get to me. Over time I've opened up more because of the kids, my mood swings are very frequent and my lovely kids know when to leave mummy alone. Bottom line, you are normal but pls consider others around you especially your hubby, make him happy by compromising, don't let him continually feel sad with your personality. Start by greeting and responding to your neighbours, no man is an island, youll need them one day. As for your in-laws barging in and out talk to hubby gently about it. Don't you have a gate man in your compound? Sometimes tell him to tell your pple you are not in, simple. Lastly whatever happened in the past shld remain in the past. You have a new home now, be happy and make the best out of it. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteDarling I totally understand
ReplyDeleteYou built a wall around you while growing up to cope with your struggles and hurt. I believe your husband's outgoing personality is part of what attracted him to you.
The walls you bu lit helped you make cold, logical decisions for your own good while growing up but darling its time to let the wall go.
Isolation doesn't work in marriage. YOU HAVE TO CHANGE, lest your kids become outcasts and pass through what you passed through while growing up. It hurts!
You have to initiate visits, calls to show your acceptance. You have to open the door for them whenever they knock. They are family, you cant chase them away. I believe your husband came from a close knit family and as such any hesitation you show in welcoming them will make your husband drift from you.
Welcome them with a big smile when they come, then enter your room, break a mirror, scatter the bed, break some plates, take out your anger in private, plaster your fake smile and come face them again.
If you do not change, your husband is going to start finding solace with his family and everyone will paint you as the witch who is driving a wedge into the family.
Marriage is not about being nice at your own convenience, you always have to be nice, so long as they have not been rude to you or betrayed you. Sometimes we have to pretend that we are all chill with our inlaws but deep down we just want them to pack up and leave.
Never show disregard for your inlaws in your husband's presence. Extended family is important as well.
' break a mirror, scatter the bed, break some plates, take out your anger in private, plaster your fake smile and come face them again.'"@ Anon are you serious now? Aint those' violent traits? Please dear poster do not emulate these violent traits ejor'.
Deleteyou nailed it RSQ!
DeletePoster needs to put a conscious effort in being friendly and open minded.
please do, your action is and might build a big gulf in your home, to be forearmed is to be forewarned.
Poster you need to relate a bit with people around you if that is what your husband want.
ReplyDeleteIf i were you, i will find a way to minimize the 3/4 times visit a day by in-laws.
ReplyDeleteThis behaviour of your in-laws is what prevented me from marrying my Nigeria ex boyfriend. He was so good but the family intrusion was just too much. I had to pull out of it when I realised it's a culture thing. Poster I feel your pain; you even try sef, I can't.
ReplyDeleteStella, she is a normal being! I am an introvert.. imagine in a class of 320 students, I have no friends. It's just I and my phone. I don't socialize. People are that way, the husband should understand everyone can't be like him! I don't joke with my space oooo...lolz
ReplyDeleteHers is extreme, she hardly respond to greeting...
DeleteA form of skoin skoin
I'm just like you but, i'm a parrot when with my sisters. Mine is as result of the loss of my parents.
ReplyDeleteHehehehehe @ parrot, but u respond to greetings.
DeleteYes, i'm the type that studies people first before i know how to relate with them. I just dey maintain my lane. Can't shout!
DeleteU just can’t accomodate people. Maybe u should meet a counsellor. Also drink lots of honey, heard it makes people happy.
ReplyDeleteDear poster, I understand where you are coming from. I don't see a paranoid person,you are a simply a very introverted person who suffers a form of PTSD...the trauma of your childhood. One thing I sense in you is a childlike innocence which makes you super sensitive to all you went through and how you handle issues.
ReplyDeleteThe experience you had growing up, poverty and social isolation made your younger self grow way faster, and probably take in a bit much and way too early for your age, the real Character of many shallow people around persons who fall on hard times. This in turn has made you very sceptical, cynical, disdainful, perhaps angry and bitter at people. Trust me doll, it is very understandable. You have a right to your anger and associated emotions, however anger has no right to make you a social misfit.
There are 3 major things you need to reconcile with to find peace to be a better person... Expectations, shame, eroded self esteem.
You need to forgive people who weren't there for you and your family when your fortunes fell. In a perfect world, you would have been looked after, brought closer, never left behind or isolated despite your troubles... But this is not a perfect world. The expectations you nursed of people helping you while humane, expected and sane, is quite unrealistic and hints of a sense of entitlement. People have problems that are overwhelming enough not to care or bother about the next,some people also like to see others below them and will make efforts to diminish them if they get the chance. It is entirely up to you to be diminished or not. Forgive those people forgive those expectations, embrace the fact that people around you were poor in compassion and take solace in the fact that you thrived inspite of it all. You are a survivor and history is defined mostly by survivors.
Let go of the shame you felt when things went worse. No one is assured anything in a lifetime, life happened simply! Your reversed fortunes left you raw and naked in emotions and financial prowess. It is expected that your psyche got tampered with by the whole experience. You probably clung to shame and anger, intensely aware of your vulnerable and disadvantaged position at that point, probably made silent vows for a time things got better and your self-confidence was affected as well. Let go of the shame that Doesn't belong to YOU. The shame is on the people who isolated and Ill treated you and your family,who failed to be human beings when the occasion arose. Drop the load of shame, and pick the load of victory... A light load of gratitude and strength.
Ask God for peace, for strength to see this issues out of your life. Train your mind from seeing people in your life now as the fair weather people of your childhood.
Yes, they may be obviously fake, insincere and carry on similar attitudes of people in your early days. However, you are in a better place now and it will never be that bad again for you. So why let the unimportant people of then torture your present and dictate how you flow with people? Take that power back dearie.
The mind is extremely flexible, trick it into positivity else you will become a toxic person. You were scarred as a child by human behaviour. If you let yourself you will poison your kids and make them cynical, distrusting and unwilling participants of your childhood experiences.
Hmmm, i love you already without knowing you. I am not the poster but you just spoke to me.
DeleteI loved people With all my heart while growing up and I always prayed and fasted for everyone even neighbours who don't interact with us for as long as I know you be it from afar or near I put you in prayers without your knowledge.
But life, people and experiences has opened my eyes to a lot of things and am not that innocent dove anymore for i am now a misanthrope.
I so much can't stand people but unlike the poster if you greet me I answer but just keep your distance from me.
Hmmm, It is well
I’m quiet too. Very outgoing with few close friends And family. My husband loves his privacy. Hardly any guests apart from my siblings. It’s a win win for me. Not sure how to advise you on this one.
ReplyDeleteI don’t think your husband will change though. It’s just a tough situation. I couldn’t imagine changing who I am to fit anyone’s expection of me either.
We are almost the same but i do greet people and have friends. My husband family and their children who lives in the same state with us love to always visit us and pass the night without informing us. My Husband is cool about it but i find it annoying and lack of respect, to me it is an invasion of others space. You can come and visit us once in a while but i wont tolerate you sleeping over
ReplyDeleteNow, the foundation has been unearthed and you are brave enough to see there is a problem solution is close. You are an introvert with a solid sense of space, boundaries, independence and common sense.
ReplyDeleteNothing absolutely wrong with that!!!
How awesome is fate to bring an extrovert to compensate your earlier social isolation? Clever isn't it.
Now how about we look at the cup half - full instead. You have been blessed with this sweet loving extrovert so you can enjoy life be surrounded by people and warmth and, get a chance to be spontaneous more reaching and most importantly to heal.
I perfectly agree that too many people with an unclear sense of boundaries can be very grating on one's nerves. In fact, I am drained on your behalf. But sweet this is marriage. Some Compromise has to come in... By you your husband neighbors, inlaws, friends without you casting a sorry, hurt and irritating sight. You are owning this narrative now.
Get yourself to open up by reconciling with the issues of the past, so you don't see horns on everyone around you.
Open up to meeting people and interacting with people with the presence of boundaries. Make an effort to visit, chat once in a while but more regularly. Don't force it, one at a time and with people who seem more ready to meet you half way.
Talk to your hubby, tell him you appreciate him and his boisterous nature and, your efforts to interact more. Encourage him to give you ideas on how to interact more... Just for listening sake sha and to open him up. Filter his advice take the ones that are practical and easily achievable/compatible with your personality. It will be a win-win for you both. He gets his ego Inflated and watch you do better socially and, you get him to compromise too.. To tone it down a bit for you. The visits and interactions can be reduced so they become valued, respectable and you two strike a balance.
Take everyone by surprise in a non-exhaustive manner. Go visit that hubby's brother with your Husband, stay a while and chat nice... Show the effort. Be nice to the niece, ask about her training, entertain her, buy a small gift for once. This will get you out of the box you have been placed, you should not be that predictable. When you are so nice today and private tomorrow ... They will work to get the nice part of you. When they see you treat them better when they are not all up in your face, they will restrict their Waka Waka. Apply same to hubby shower him with attention and more when he stays more with you. Create a mental rooster for him. 2 days private I day flexing. Go out every 2 flexings with him and be on your sweetest behaviour and, Suggest other activities for him too. Go see that movie, taste that isiewu in that bar, talk about new interests and have him embrace the concept of your 'me-time'. He needs to understand you more and figure you out less to enjoy being with you.
Channel your productivity into joining an association in church if you are a Christian and strive to hold a position or organizing things no matter how little. Be part of something aside marriage to restore confidence and a sense of belonging You may also enjoy it.
Don't worry you will find your way and the formula to work it. Take baby steps and do not try too hard God bless you and your home .
Too much sense will not kill you, well said. You are indeed blessed with wisdom.
DeletePoster's husband's family have no manners. God forbid me to marry into such a family. Imagine that one that can't use his house toilet, but his brothers...Niece coming in 3 times in a day....Parents coming in everyday...Brothers and cousins everyday....Your house is a shopping mall, not a home. I can't take what this poster is takng...but learn how to greet and respond to greetings. You are absolutely normal.
ReplyDeletePoster I understand how you feel, I am also an introvert with extrovert husband and kids. I have learnt to change, I even make conscious effort to greet people even before they greet me and I now hang out more than I used to, though I hate people visiting often and that's where my husband made adjustments by not inviting people over. You will be alright, just make conscious effort to do better.
ReplyDeleteDear Poster, all I can say is please get a job. No matter how small. Get something that makes you leave house in the morning and come back in the evening. At most, get a small business around your area. If you are not always in the house, they will not always breeze in at will. You are very well. Most people enjoy their privacy.
ReplyDeleteChill a little bit poster and be more friendly and as for the intrusive family members, smh, I feel you. Thank God I live in America with my family away frm intrusive in-laws. The last time I visited naija before my hubby relocated permanently to be with me and the kids. My in-laws(father,mother,brother,sisters,brothers children,sis children etc) kept coming every day. I was pissed and they expect to be fed the whole freaking time. There were times when I just wanted to be with my hubby alone and just chill, no cooking etc. Nah! Guess who came knocking. In my mind I was like, no worries, very soon you guys will be alright Las las. And they really are, let them travel from Lagos to Texas every weekend now. Mtchwwww
ReplyDeleteLol
Deletemy sister, na the reason i wan relocate too o. i cant shout for inlaw matter. Canada here i come.
DeleteHey dear, I am just like you. First of all I can't marry someone like your husband, no privacy from his family and he is over friendly. You are in the marriage now, you can't do anything about it unless you want divorce (it isn't necessary). Pls try to accommodate his sister,smile if she comes to the house same as his brother. Greet your neighbours and answer theirs. Once in 2 weeks, dress up and go out with your hubby without him suggesting it (you can increase if you want), once in a month go with him to visit his family because you sound as if they live nearby. Call his parents once in 2weeks (I personally keep timetable to call people if not they will complain).
ReplyDeleteI am saying all this because your husband sounds like a good man,make efforts because he is making one too. I don't know what caused your behaviour to go worse but please talk to your husband or talk to a counsellor(don't go to pastors)(I don't know how counselling works in Nigeria).
You will be alright, I am just like you, I have few friends but I greet my neighbours,smile and move on, it takes less than a minute.
I was called a snob all through my school days (plus they knew my family background which didn't help) and during my NYSC. I don't care, all that matters is the people close to me few family and few friends (in your case husband and his family because it will make him happy and if he is happy it will tell good on your marriage).
Please discuss with your husband.
Poster being an introvert and loving your space is a norm for lots of people, what's not normal is going an extra length to avoid being around people. You didn't say what happened 2 years after your marriage to have made you more paranoid. You need to deal with the root cause.
ReplyDeleteWhat incident made you so bitter and hardened that you can't find it in your heart to forgive.
ReplyDeleteYou are lucky to be married because you for no see man with this kain behavior. I think it's alright to notike people(I don't), but you need people cos no man is an island. Please reply your neighbors greetings and try to smile at them and just smile for no reason.
As for your inlaws, it is because they know someone is at home during the day that's why they keep showing up. Get something doing that takes you out of the house everyday even if you are a nursing mother and lemme see the SIL that will be making snide remarks about you to your face.
Ndo o. Pele o.
she must not open the door. when them knock tire they will go .
DeleteAs for me ooo, I will say she should find a job or ask her hubby to open a shop for her. Na bcos she dey dey house, that why the hubby brother n niece dey come disturb her. If she is not at home, she won't open door for anyone. I can ask u to change but I can ask u to adjust a bit to be friendly. Get urself busy, get a shop, go out in d morning and come home later in the evening.
ReplyDeleteDear poster.we are many with this behaviour oh.I'm worse off sef. I hate crowded places.when I'm walking I don't look at pple but the floor.I sometimes pretend I'm answering a call just so I don't talk to pple.I hate visitors.don't look for me oh and I won't look for you.I hear my fone ring and I'm disgusted about the calls as I don't pick.I derive joy in seeing missed calls. And in all honesty.you can never hear anyone say.this bAbe said this' she said that. Because I mind my damn business
ReplyDeletePoster remember that with the walls you've built around yourself, you've locked yourself in and others out. No one can reach you, you can't reach anyone. You have to be intentional. Pick your whom you associate with- you have a right to do that. Draw your lines and people would respect it. Anyone who isn't, you cut off. You need to associate, you need healthy/meaningful relationships. You need people. Lastly, please talk to a counselor. Pls minister to your husband's need. God bless you.
ReplyDeleteMadam , there is nothing wrong with you, we are all wired differently. you are an introvert but you can make conscious effort in replying greetings. my father was an introvert but he taught us to always greet people as salutation is not love. greet , be friendly and go your way. i am also an introvert and hate greeting people and hate answering greetings too, but when i began to work in a bank, i had to change that attitude. i live alone and nobody visits me. na so i like my life, but try to work on yourself by seeing a therapist. God will help you.
ReplyDeleteThe moment an individual can accept they have a certain disorder, more than half of it had been solved...poster please talk to your hubby, you need to see a therapist, and be willing to work on yourself too..
ReplyDeleteIt's not going to be easy, but you putting your mind to it will be worth it...Being a loner doesn't help, it even aggravates other health issues...so please talk to hubby about it...God help you....
Dear Poster,
ReplyDeleteyou can be an introvert and still be accommodating. It's a matter of your mindset. You have a mindset that sees everyone as a disturbance because of your upbringing. However, you can change, all you need to do is change how you see things and people. Open up your heart to them, choose to see the positive in them. Your husband's siblings have been used to their lifestyle for all their lives, it would be hard for all of them to change just because of you. I'm not asking you to change yourself because of your husband but more because of yourself, you need people, no one is created an island. I and my siblings were also raised that way but as I grew, i realized the importance of being a bit more accommodating and I'm the better for it today. I lost my younger sister because of this love for personal space because she collapsed in the house so no one could gain access in to help her (she had locked the door), that day I wished she had a 'nosy' neighbour or friend or even in-law who decided to visit that day, she might have been saved. So all my grammar is to tell you that having these people around you can be a blessing, it depends on how you choose to see them - it all starts in your mind.
Cheers