CONFRONTING THE ABUSER
Hi Stella Nwanyioma
Last weekend, I heard the most troubling thing for a very long time in my life.
I got back from work last two weeks and my nanny who has been with me for 2 years and 1 month asked me when I will be on holiday from work as she would like to travel to Aba in December. So I told her to give me some time to get my hierarchy’s approval for my team’s holiday schedule. So when I was clear on my holiday schedule I told her the dates last Saturday and she was fine with planning her trip around this date.
Then I asked how long she planned to be away and she said not long that she needed just 3 days. For me 3 days was really short, I was like you said you wanted to go to Aba, what for? (I wanted to know if there was a new guy that I had not heard about). I asked if she wasn’t going to see her mum because her mum stays in her village not Aba. She said she was going to stay with her step sister during the period as she wanted to go visit some other part of Aba from her step sister’s house. At this point my curiosity level increased and I started asking what she was going there to do and she was reluctant to speak. She said she couldn’t tell me.
I asked her if she was going to die if she told me and she said no, so I told her she could talk to me and I insisted.
After a very long hesitation, Stella I heard the shocker of my life, she said she wanted to go visit a man that took advantage of her from when she was 10 years old. I was arranging my kids wardrobe, I quickly turned and looked at her and at this point she just broke down and started crying. I knew she had told me about this family she lived with in Aba for 5 years who kept her at home to do all the chores while their own kids went to school but I didn’t know this part. Stella just to give you some background information, my nanny came from a really dysfunctional home.
After a very long hesitation, Stella I heard the shocker of my life, she said she wanted to go visit a man that took advantage of her from when she was 10 years old. I was arranging my kids wardrobe, I quickly turned and looked at her and at this point she just broke down and started crying. I knew she had told me about this family she lived with in Aba for 5 years who kept her at home to do all the chores while their own kids went to school but I didn’t know this part. Stella just to give you some background information, my nanny came from a really dysfunctional home.
Her mum was a 3rd wife and she had 3 children. My nanny is the first from her mum and her youngest brother was born after her father died so according to her it was all poverty for the best part of her childhood. At 10 years old, her stepbrother of course with her mother's consent, took her to stay with this woman he knew in Aba and her family and this was the beginning of her abuse story! This woman’s husband started abusing her since she was 10 until she turned 15 and left the house. Stella my ear full! I was in shock!
She would be at home alone doing chores, the kids would have gone to school, the man would leave the house like he is going to work and the wife would also leave for her shop. Then his man will pretend like he forgot something and come back home to rape her. He said if she told anyone he would strangle her. I asked if she never felt sick or passed out during the act. She said she was constantly in pain, he told her to tell him anytime she was sick and he will buy her drugs himself. She said at some point she wouldn’t see her period for months and then he will give her drugs and her period would come back. She never told ANYONE not even her mum.
She would be at home alone doing chores, the kids would have gone to school, the man would leave the house like he is going to work and the wife would also leave for her shop. Then his man will pretend like he forgot something and come back home to rape her. He said if she told anyone he would strangle her. I asked if she never felt sick or passed out during the act. She said she was constantly in pain, he told her to tell him anytime she was sick and he will buy her drugs himself. She said at some point she wouldn’t see her period for months and then he will give her drugs and her period would come back. She never told ANYONE not even her mum.
She is 26 years old now and she is scared of having sexual relationship even at this age. Stella she was talking and weeping and shivering. I walked over to her and gave a big hug, but she was so tensed like I was going to harm her. I hugged her and told her to calm down that everything will be okay at this point this was all I could do.
All the while she has been with me, she is always startled whenever anyone walks into anywhere she is even when with the whole house busy and kids jumping around be it night or day and I have spoken to her severally about it. Now it’s beginning to make sense why that happens to her.
She said she wanted to go see the man and his wife and tell his wife everything and how much harm he had caused in her life.
So this is the point where I need your opinion and the opinion of your BVs. For me I think she needs proper counselling and I will get that for her.
I don’t think it is safe to just walk into the home of your abuser so I need some help on how to advise her.
She is really broken and I feel terribly bad for her and i am ready to help but i honestly don't know how well to help.
Please I will be reading your comments.
Thanks Stella.
All the while she has been with me, she is always startled whenever anyone walks into anywhere she is even when with the whole house busy and kids jumping around be it night or day and I have spoken to her severally about it. Now it’s beginning to make sense why that happens to her.
She said she wanted to go see the man and his wife and tell his wife everything and how much harm he had caused in her life.
So this is the point where I need your opinion and the opinion of your BVs. For me I think she needs proper counselling and I will get that for her.
I don’t think it is safe to just walk into the home of your abuser so I need some help on how to advise her.
She is really broken and I feel terribly bad for her and i am ready to help but i honestly don't know how well to help.
Please I will be reading your comments.
Thanks Stella.
*OMG.....Confrontations like she is about to do can go South if not handled properly...This may help her find closure but she cannot go alone or else you might not see her again...
Please advise her on the dangers of what she is about to do......it is good she confronts him and lets his wife know that her husband has damaged her life whilst his kids are OK but caution must be taken else she might be hurt
I like her confidence and courage in seeking to confront the man. While it is a welcome idea, she shouldn’t go alone. If you can’t go with her owing to distance, then perhaps you should arrange to have someone nearby go with her.
ReplyDeleteI don’t know if there are places in that region that addresses issues like these (rape)
but she could also go to them and have them accompany her to the place because knowing how some women are, she’d have the man’s wife to contend with. She might get thrown out without getting a fair hearing or worse beaten up. That man is a monster and who knows how many others he has taken advantage of? People like him need to be disgraced and jailed, so I support her confronting him and it would also help with closure, she probably blamed herself all these years.
Also when she gets back, please she needs to see someone who would probably place her on medication to suppress/manager her anxiety. I wonder if she sleeps soundly at night, poor child.
The first thing is to seek healing through counseling. She is still in shock and hasn't gotten over it.
DeleteHaving talked with you about it and the comforting words will make her feel better.
Now that you know about this part, your workload has increased. You must manage her carefully and not let her feel the pain of opening up to you.
Help her seek out organizations that deals with issues of abuse. They will handle her professionally. If there is need for confrontation, they will initiate it.
God bless you.
#hadeyhalaba
1. Don't let her go alone.
ReplyDelete2. Let the confrontation be done in a public place.
Not as public as to cause a scene but public enough to let her leave without being traced.
Then let the counselling start as soon as you can. In fact, start the counselling before she goes to confront.
She MIGHT not need confrontation for closure after the counselling.
Sending a million hugs her way.
Oh my God!
DeleteShe has to go with someone! She can't go alone.
The man is a devil how can you do that to a child. Visiting her abuser can go either ways so I'll advise her not to go, rather let her go for the counselling
ReplyDeleteOh poor her. This really got me tearing up. She needs support & guidance now, she has to go there with security, at least guys that can protect her against more abuse, then she needs a professional help on how to overcome her fears & struggles. May God guide & protect her, & change her story.
ReplyDeleteNo need going to confront the man because anything she says will be used against her since the wife did not know what the husband did or too dumb to notice.
ReplyDeleteMy own is go naked by doing midnight prayers and release the curse and pains eating her up. After that she ask God to heal her heart because what she needs is healings to move forward.
It is well
After she don release that kin curse, the man come begin dey steal even pepper for market,
Deletecome dey walk the streets talking to himself alone and come dey rape animals, persin go begin
dey pity am. Them go diagnose kleptomania, and all those heave psychiatric wahala
them no know say na wetin im fork himself into be that.
The first question I have is; is this lady at 26 attending school or any vocational training from your house?
ReplyDeleteThe confrontation: She should go with whoever introduced her to that family, her mom if still strong, and of course file a police report or get a trusted police officer to accompany them. In this way, the man will be made to know that it is no a "family matter' but a legal matter.
Hmnnnn .....this one is tough.
ReplyDeleteFor her to be scared around people means she is yet to heal.She needs help and the way it looks if she doesn't confront those people she won't be okay.Find out what she wants from them, Is it apology or justice?
If it's apology, its easy.Talk to them first and arrange the meeting but if it's justice 🙆♀️, no one can predict the outcome.
Whatever the case, she will have to learn how to forgive this people, forgive the past and forgive herself.I feel she blames herself and sometimes wonder if her life would have been better if she spoke out earlier.Well, it is what it is.
Please tell her that "forgiveness is what we do for ourselves and not others".
Sad much...Jesus please fix her.
The first step to having peace of mind is for this girl to forgive her abuser.
ReplyDeleteI once met a girl like that in the clinic and she was full of hate for anything called man even to me her doctor.
With her consent, I shared from Roman's 12 about forgiving an enemy and those that have hurt her so badly and for the first time, she found peace. This is a girl who have had all kinds of "therapies" but was not bettered. Not forgiving the man isn't going to help her heal. Confronting the man too; after that, what next.
Please note that forgiveness does not preclude legal redress but in her case, the time of accountability may have passed according to the Nigerian law. Please,the lawyers should enlighten us.
Madam, if you are not putting that girl through any formal training, you may be mentally "raping" her again.
ReplyDeleteDon't let her go alone.the
ReplyDeleteman is a monster.
She needs to let his wife know before he does it to another innocent child and that is if his wife will believe her.
ReplyDeleteShe also needs to find closure which I think she'll get by letting it all out there.
Let her go with someone.
Na wa!
She should go with someone, preferably a guy and let the man and his wife know that karma is not far. How could you destroy the life of a child? She is still facing the trauma now ... This is really sad. All I want for her is to find closure and I am sure she will. Let her confront her fears and she will be better.
ReplyDeletePlease she should write the woman a letter or send text message. Someone doesn't just walk into lions den like that o. Except she is going with family members or elders.
ReplyDeletePlease try and advice her against going on this trip. Alot of Nigerian women can defend their husband to the death.
I have stayed with a relative whose husband attempted sleeping with me twice. Till date I didn't tell the wife but my mother knows. The wife is used to defending her husband. If I do decide to reveal it. I will do that with the backing of my mother. I won't go there alone.
This isn't safe pls. Let her go and visit her mother and tell her mother what transpired. The mother will advice her better. I think that man needs to be named and shamed but it needs to be done with wisdom. Her life may be in danger going alone.
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ReplyDeleteShe cannot do the confrontation alone else the man May kill her, get her someone reliable to go with her.
ReplyDeleteShe shouldn't do it alone o before it would go South. She should first, speak to her mom and the step brother that took her there. Then, go with the step brother. Also, what does she hope to achieve by doing this? Closure? or just to see that family scattered?
ReplyDeleteI pray she finds peace
....and what exactly do you mean by just to see that family scattered? If the family wants to scatter, let it scatter. People like you will cover up nonsense even when it is glaring that someone is an abuser. That poor girl was sexually molested for five years. Five whole years o! Even if it was once a week that he took carnal knowledge of her, please multiply that by five whole years and try to imagine the pain that girl is going through. You pray she finds peace and that peace starts by confronting the pervert. It's about time that family scatters!
DeleteWhat is her business with the family being scattered? I sincerely hope you’re not one of those dickmatised fools that shield abusers in the name of marriage and reputation. Any woman who stays with a man that molested a helpless and vulnerable CHILD will share the same skewer with her husband in hell.
DeleteI’m sure what she goes to achieve is closure and to shame her abuser. She wants to heal and regardless of what the outcome is, she deserves to heal.
I’m just so pained that there’s no evidence to prove that the man raped her. Such a heinous crime. Anyone who hasn’t been serially abused may not understand the gravity of the pain and torture that comes with it. It never leaves.
Getting justice for the sexual abuse is the only way she can heal.. Pls involve the police in this case,rape is a 1st grade crime so he should face the consequences for his devilish action
ReplyDeleteThis story reminds me of Ochanya chaii!
My thought too @getting justice. I feel she should get the man’s number and get him to confess while recording it. She can then make it a police case with her evidence. You guys safe the recorded call in several places. If that guy doesn’t do time, I don’t see what the confrontation is for. Some women can go to any extent to defend the dogs they have as husbands. Let him do time while she claims damages which can be achieved by taking the bastard to court. Imagine raping a ten year old and aborting pregnancies on abi for a minor!!! I hope his children don’t go through same.
DeleteGosh! Ochanya was raped by father and son and died as a result. This lady needs every support she can get, so she doesn't consider suicide. The whole thing is eating her up so much inside that she could consider going to the man's territory to confront him alone, which is dangerous. She needs both counselling and help from an NGO that deals with such matters. Even poster cannot help her alone, as she also needs information on how she can best support her help. So try to locate help first.
DeleteWhat a pity. Please someone should go with her
ReplyDeletePlease nobody should preach forgive. Madam poster, if it is possible go with her. That confrontation would heal her more than forgiveness. I was abuse as a child and as an adult though not constantly so I know what I'm saying. She would find healing through confrontation. The authorities should get involved if she wishes. The man needs to pay for his crimes against her.
ReplyDeleteDon't mind all these people. Yes, we all know that forgiveness is good but she has to confront that bastard.
DeleteThe main reason why sexual abuse will continue to strive in this part of the world is because the victim is being cajoled to forgive and leave everything to God will she or he is still bruised inside. Please I understand that it is not easy but we should stop this unnecessary silence the victims culture. You will never know how it feels until someone holds you down and have sex with you against your wish. it is one of the most humiliating things that can happen to a person. You would feel worthless and shameful.
ReplyDeleteshe shud go with 2 policemen not to arrest them but to protect herself. and make sure its early morning like 7am. she can go with her step brother but dont say a thing to him on where they are going( so that he does not inform the people) but at least 2 men shud go with her
ReplyDeleteShe needs to go because that is what her heart desires but not alone. If there are any organizations that could accompany her not only for her safety but also as a backbone to support her incase she breaks down emotionally. This journey she must go, this is the beginning of her healing.
ReplyDeleteMay God be with her.
Olusweets
Evil man! Evil man! Evil man!
ReplyDeleteYes, let her go and confront and expose the bastard.
Don't stop her and never you let her go alone.
If you can, go with her and even involve her mom or any person that is cray cray that can stand by her in her family.
And yes, she needs closure.
The best lesson to teach the beast?
Hire gay rapists to go treat his fuck-up!
She left @15 & now she's 26, that's 11 yrs after, how sure is she this family still reside @thesame address though, is she getting info from a spy? Anyway I agree with what Epistlegang wrote up there, it's very important U find out what she truly wants.. Apology or Justice, then take it up from there. May God heal her inner wounds, it's just unfortunate
ReplyDeleteDear poster, if i start my story, the rest of the year won’t be enough to round up.
ReplyDeleteThis story i am about to briefly write is real, it is my story and i have never ever shared it with anybody, not even my mom. It is my darkest secret and i would only write just little of it.
My abuser started abusing me from the age of around 3. When i was in nursery school. He was my brother, my step brother. Thesame father and the eldest in my family.
He would finger me, and it hurt so bad. Until he graduated to raping me fully, he continued untill i was in primary school, arnd age 8-9 that was when he stopped. And moved on to my kid sister.
I did everything in my power to stop what he was doing to my kid sister, untill i suceeded for even as a child, i knew it was wrong. He would call me to his room and lock it up and do all sorts, from rape to asking me to give him a blow job untill he came. When it started my mom was separated from my dad, so only his mom and the last wife where in the house, i had no one to tell, for they won’t beleive me, you all know polygamy stuff.
But guess what? I never let that define me, i found a way of healing. I studied real hard. Today i am a professional, i got married 5 yrs ago, with 2 beautiful kids. I hardly even remember what he did to me, just that i don’t ever watch movies where kids’ are being molested, i can’t stand them.
You all would want to know what happend to my brother.
When i was in secondary school, he died. He died of cancer, he had cancer of the colon, and he died a miserable death, before he died, even his surroundings were smelly, people were running away from him.
I forgot to tell you all, those days when he used to lock me in his room, sometimes he would lock me up together with his sister, the one that they come from thesame mom, but he won’t touch her, but would rape me till he came.
I can vividly remember the last time he had sex with me, in the night, everybody was out, we were in the parlour, just 3 of us, me him and another relative. The relative said she was going to bed, and left, poor me, instead of following her, i stayed. I was in primary 5 then. My brother arranged pillows under by butt so that he would get the comfortable position he wanted, he was having sex with me, when an uncle came in. Caught him red handed, he left and my uncle called me and counselled me, cos my mom still hadn’t come bck with my dad, so i didnt’t have any body in the house, just 2 step moms.
And my uncle couldnt raise the issue, cos he knew the kind of trouble it would cause, he just cautioned me and taught me that no man should come near me, i should not allow it, that was the last time my brother touched me, untill he shifted to my kid sister.
That my uncle after some time, also almost took advantage of me in his room... story for another day.
But as i type all this, i swear i feel nothing, because i believe God compensated me for what happend to me in my childhood.
I finished my profession in flying colours, no spill over, got married as a corper, did my pop in February, gave birth to my first daughter in March, got a Federal govt job in july and so many other blessings.
In all, i didnt let it weigh me down, i built myself, no pity parties, just hardwork and decency. Men were queing up to marry me. I didnt share this even with my husband, i took care of myself and my husband thought i was even a virgin, because it took him 3 days to penetrate me.
I was super decent with the fear of God. I didnt play with God’s word.
Poster the best thing you can do to her is help her develop herself, she should be self sufficient please, help her heal. Tell her only she can heal herself. Yes she can do it. Read out this my story for her, let her know that she is not alone in the world, i beleive 1 out of every 10 young girls has been molested, and there are those that turned out good despite the molestation. I am one of them.
Goodluck!
Thank God for you dear. May God continue to bless you and your family.
DeleteMy dear. You hd closure because your perp died, what you can call karma. Things are happening oh. Jesus christ
DeleteOmgggg this is so sad 😢 I think she should confront him because that's the best way she can get closure but she should go with 2 or 3 people. I pray karma finds the stupid bastard
ReplyDeleteMadam, let her confront them but not alone. It's high time some issues are handled without fear of what would happen, Is the man not human? Help her to get deserved justice she needs. Involve a lawyer to make it real.
ReplyDeleteShe needs to confront her molester,someone can follow her....just got an ID since 2014,hope my ID shows.welcome me house.
ReplyDeleteI don't think the victim is all about justice Or apologies. She wants answers, she wants to know why he stole her innocence and childhood. She wants to know why he inflicted such pain on her, yet protected his own . She wants to know why he defiled and violated her repeatedly. She wants to know why he chose to treat her callously, when she hadn't wronged him.
ReplyDeleteShe doesn't care about justice or apologies, she wants to confront the beast who defiled and abused her, the thief who robbed her of her innocence and naivety.
She wants to look him in the eyes and tell him that she did not forget; She couldn't have!!!!!!!!
She wants to look the bastard in the eyes and dare him to abuse her again.
She wants to reclaim the power He and his family had over her when she was nothing but his servant girl and sex slave.
She wants to reclaim her life by seeking closure.
Deprive her of this and you deprive her of life.
Deprive her of this and you steal from her one more chance at living her life.
If that man dies without her confronting him, a part of her dies which may never be regained.
Help her if you please, but NEVER STAND IN HER WAY.
She MUST CONFRONT the bastard and she need not tell her mum or her stepbrother .
She could go with a person who will stand by her and support her in reclaiming her life.
Do all you please but DON'T YOU DARE ROB HER OF A CHANCE TO LIVE AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!
SHE must confront him in the full glare of his family, he should be given no notice of her coming.
She needs this to live again.
She must confront the bastard who took her as a child and turned her into a slave while protecting his.
She must let his family know the harm he did her.
She must let his children know their father is filthy and disgusting; a child rapist!!!!!!!!!! !
She must let his wife know that under her watch, a beast who stole from her was unleashed.
You can't deny her that. To do that would be unpardonable! !!!!!!!!!
Why are some men he-goats? Why do they think with their penis? Rape is a very bad thing to experience. It not only temper with your browser body, it goes as far as crippling you mentally,. Emotionally, psychologically etc.
ReplyDeleteShe needs counselling. Serious counselling. Then the man should face the law. How inhumane can one be? Chai 😢
Confrontation is the last step in the healing process. You need to get professional help for your Nanny. She first need to deal with the issues associated with the abuse. The professional counselor will then determine (based of the facts/records/dates) if a confrontation is needed. Remember that it is her word against his. The wife of the abuser will not support your Nanny because she will try to protect her family and home from the truth and will do everything in her power to discredit your Nanny. Above all, this is Nigeria, the poor has no voice. Your Nanny is broken emotionally and in all aspects of life, help her heal first. Closure is different from vengeance
ReplyDeletePoster, God bless you for supporting this girl. I don;t know what ti say because the man she described could easily be my dad. He was a wicked and violent man too. I remember catching my dad red handed trying to rape my cousin in broad day light when he thought no one was in the house. Luckily my cousin screamed and I came running. I was a child myself but knew something was seriously wrong. In those days children were so afraid of adults and usually had no one to confide in. Luckily she told her big sister who came to take her away raining curses on my dad. MY mum pretended not to understand why. In fact there is no house help or female relative he did not try to molest. My mum acted as if she was unaware but she knew. Now this is where it gets interesting. For some reason EVERYONE was covering for him except me. This of course led to my being beaten almost daily till I left home. I then found the courage to confront him. MY mum even with evidence backed her husband all the way. They are now both alone and miserable. All 5 of us send them upkeep and they have every material thing but we dont step inside that house. Poster please let that young lady know that KARMA will get that man eventually. If she must confront she should not go alone. I will however suggest that she concentrates on herself and her healing and build up her confidence and self esteem. She may choose to forgive eventually but it is her choice.
ReplyDeleteI am a child of God. But this is my answer. Send her to a 1week training on how to shoot gun from close range. After that, let her go with someone. She will not shoot o. The gun will be empty and then let the acting begin. When the man sees a gun himself go know say shit is down. If you go empty handed, it will not make any sense. God knows this is me talking.
ReplyDelete