STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
HUSBAND MATERIAL
Good day.
I am an ardent reader of your blog.......this is my first chronicle here,I really appreciate you for this platform and how much people get to learn from the life experiences shared here.
God has actually been so faithful to me through my 24years on earth. I am a graduate and presently working with the federal government. I have been a very careful girl and as such kept to my self a lot from childhood. I have truly loved only once that was when I was in my second year in school and we kept it pure but he didn't seem to love me,so I let him go. Ever since then, I haven't loved that deeply.
Fast forward to presently, a colleague of mine has been on my matter for like 3years now. He is God fearing,good looking (although he doesn't dress so well),prayerful but not exposed and acts as though he is uneducated. I so love the fact that he is the spiritual kind of guy but we rarely have a good conversation as he isn't so exposed and outgoing ...recently I decided to give him a chance so we get to know ourselves better but I can't just flow well with him,no feeling,no attraction, just boring moments till I leave.
The guy loves me so much to the extent that when he asked that I accompany him to the market to get some things for his new apartment, he insisted that I sign on all the receipts (I.e having them bear my name), i go visit him and he takes time to cook for me,He never let's me pay for anything when we are together and he has never made moves s#xually.
He was actually brought up in the village I don't know if that is responsible for his behaviour and timid nature. I love a man I can learn from and be so free around, I can be so interesting when I am around people I am free with. But I seem to be so confined when I am around him...my real self never really plays out.
I didn't mention that during my service year,I came in contact with a man of God who I told nothing but he described this guy and told me he is a pastor(the guy) and that he is a very nice guy but that,he is not my husband,,,he reaffirmed my ministry and told me to let this guy go that my ministry has a lot to do with who I get married to. I went home that day and cried,thanking God that there is hope for a good life without this guy. This was in my second year of my knowing him.
But then, the guy was so consistent talking to everyone I know and even to my mentor who gave me a go ahead! So I decided to give him a chance.
I am writing this,because this guy wants to see my parents this Christmas but I know I am not excited about it and also troubled by the fact that if I let him go...I might not find someone so good and my mum will always tell me to hold unto this guy,that husband is scarce,, this and that. Although I have many other persons coming for marriage, but they are not Godly and that is a priority on my list,,I am so confused and feel depressed most times.
I haven't know a man since I was born and want to enjoy all of that in marriage... I don't love this man,but he is a good man,will I be making a mistake to leave him or something... I need good advice from the married mostly because you have been in marriages and have more experience about life.
Do I forget how I feel and go ahead?
Do I believe I will fall in love in the marriage and go ahead, seeing that he is a good man?
Have I kept to myself so much?
Do I ignore what I was told by the prophet?
Am I really okay, could this be a strategy by the devil to make me loose something good???
Pls I need sincere advice pls???
Thank you !
He was actually brought up in the village I don't know if that is responsible for his behaviour and timid nature. I love a man I can learn from and be so free around, I can be so interesting when I am around people I am free with. But I seem to be so confined when I am around him...my real self never really plays out.
I didn't mention that during my service year,I came in contact with a man of God who I told nothing but he described this guy and told me he is a pastor(the guy) and that he is a very nice guy but that,he is not my husband,,,he reaffirmed my ministry and told me to let this guy go that my ministry has a lot to do with who I get married to. I went home that day and cried,thanking God that there is hope for a good life without this guy. This was in my second year of my knowing him.
But then, the guy was so consistent talking to everyone I know and even to my mentor who gave me a go ahead! So I decided to give him a chance.
I am writing this,because this guy wants to see my parents this Christmas but I know I am not excited about it and also troubled by the fact that if I let him go...I might not find someone so good and my mum will always tell me to hold unto this guy,that husband is scarce,, this and that. Although I have many other persons coming for marriage, but they are not Godly and that is a priority on my list,,I am so confused and feel depressed most times.
I haven't know a man since I was born and want to enjoy all of that in marriage... I don't love this man,but he is a good man,will I be making a mistake to leave him or something... I need good advice from the married mostly because you have been in marriages and have more experience about life.
Do I forget how I feel and go ahead?
Do I believe I will fall in love in the marriage and go ahead, seeing that he is a good man?
Have I kept to myself so much?
Do I ignore what I was told by the prophet?
Am I really okay, could this be a strategy by the devil to make me loose something good???
Pls I need sincere advice pls???
Thank you !
*Dont do it if you feel this way!
Poster let me give you this advice as a professional in marriage 🙄🙄🙄🙄 marry a man who loves you more, he will tolerate your excesses and you will have peace in that marriage. And hey, another plus is that he's spirikoko, you won't be afraid of side chicks... Hehehe
ReplyDeleteLeave all this swaggerlicious fuck boys, they will so break your heart. Upgrade him to your taste fashionwise
I don't agree with you on this. The bible says before He formed us, he know us and has a plan for us. If marrying him is not in God's plan for her life, no matter What, even if he loves her more, it won't work.
DeletePoster take it up to the Lord in prayer. Remember unless the Lord builds the house, the Labours Labour in vain. Don't follow a man's standard on this issue. Read the bible, there lye your answer. May the Lord open the spirit of your understanding and lead you to make the right choice.
Poster, you are fantasizing about a guy who is sleek, polished and has swag??? Lol, take it from a more experienced person, most of them come with a level of pain that your innocent heart might not be able to bear. Stay with a man who loves you this much. In this day and age, finding a man who loves you the way you just described is rare, very rare. No take your husband do boyfriend o!!!
DeletePoster totally ignore this advice from Amanda, infact dont read it twice... you CANNOT upgrade a man to your taste, thats like teaching an old dog new tricks, have that at the back of your mind, yeah its good to marry a man who loves u more but that doesnt guarantee happiness, you can still be miserable when the wrong one loves you right. Your home will echo twice with every said word between you two, cus its mainly the basics youd talk about, you'd be miserably living with a roomate as a "good husband"... & being that misery loves/embraces company real good, your colleagues will start growing on you.... & emotional entangling begins, i'd say apply your breaks at this junction.
DeleteA wise South korean activist said to me "Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love"... he was right! Some things are beyond human understanding, love is known to wane at some point in every marriage, then the friendship takes the wheel, what happens to a marriage that clearly lacks both???
My husband will always tell me that his job is to love me and my job was to respect him. He will always say "Funmi I dont need your love. All I want is my respect and I will give you the world". The question is do you respect him enough to be called your husband. In addition he must be a provider, hustler, trustworthy and honest man. Love will come in later but if you know you cannot be patient or not convinced that you want him to be your husband please let him go in peace.
DeleteGbam. Marry a man who loves you more.
DeleteFrom what you described up there, he's someone that is ready to do everything for you. He loves you more so it's better for you. Change him to what you want him to be he will be ready to change because he lovesyou so much.
Forget that prophet jare.
NEVER marry a man you don't love. Forget all that let him love you more ish...You should atleast love him a little . What makes you think you won't meet another poster?
DeleteBrakes*
DeleteDon't marry a man that you cannot open up fully to.
DeleteDon't marry a man that you cannot be a child or a wanton or whatever you want to be in.
You will be in perpetual BONDAGE.
Forget all that foolish, bush, local, village talk about marry a man who loves you more nyen nyen nyen.
Love is not a bucket or 'drum'. It is infinite,it continues to grow,sometimes it wanes, sometimes it sputters, as each season passes.
One person cannot be putting more and the other person balancing and basking in all the love and attention.
It is not slave and master relationship.
Ask people who GENUINELY know what marriage is about.
Not people who are counting length of years. Somepeople will count years they've been in marriage meanwhile they are living like master and servant or brother and sister or even neighbours.
Is that what you want?
The questions I even expect you to ask, you haven't even asked.
Number 1, What value is this person bringing in my life?
Number 2, What value am I bringing to his life?
Number 3, What can we achieve together?
You might be mentally ready for a wedding, but I don't think you are ready for marriage.
*If you are a cosmopolitan Nigerian woman, never marry beneath you. You will never rise above your husband in that marriage and the day you try to, either through additional degrees, travelling, assorted finery etc, that is the end of you. Marry someone with your own World view or better.
If you think your God is so crippled that out of 7 billion people he can only create one person, who am I to persuade you otherwise?
Cheers!
Some one somewhere is praying for a good man.
DeleteTo me personally attraction is very important and you don't seem to be attracted to this man. My own case the guy is handsome(almost to a fault), there is huge attraction, conversation flow, even his father is wealthy, but he personally doesn't have much, he has a job earning just 120k, I earn double and he isn't willing to find another,so he is always broke. I keep wondering how we will survive on such salary in Lagos. But I do love him. I see no atom of love/attraction in all you have written.
DeleteI'm in posters shoes oh. My God. I want marriage like kilodo .this guy says this year will not pass before he wifes me. But o dear lord I've tried my best, just nothing. Instead I'm disliking him more and more. He has a bit of a temper so it's not too hard to walk away. I think it's my marriage and that I like a few things about him that's what's paining me small. This is my own chronicle. We've not dated for long. He's just saying I'm the one
DeleteDo not marry him. You will be trapped and unhappy. I had a lovely doctor friend who wanted to marry me years ago. Wonderful guy, went extra mile for me, very spiritual and all the things you listed up there BUT I was not proud of him. I just did not flow with him. I would walk behind him when we went out, would not hold his hands. I was not proud of him. Mind you, he was a doctor o so he was educated, trained in a foreign country sef BUT, I was not attracted to him. I had to let the poor man go because I was punishing him, I was not fair to him. If I had married him, he would be happy but I would be a very very sad and unhappy wife. Guess what, I met another man!!! My spec. We are married and we are happy. So, do not be bothered that you will not find a good man, you will. Dress well, carry yourself well, be nice, smile to people, wave at people, be the life of the party. Above all, do not let your standard down. Your man is out there, he will find you. HUgggsss
DeleteNot everyone will have your luck to meet another good man, pls pray and let God direct you, look out for your dreams and look deep down if you have peace with him, bcos at the long run, the emotions we ve before we start may not last but true love and respect will, from experience I married the one dt love me more than I love - did I even love him b4 we entered no, but he did something for me just like what ur guy did, he took me to market to choose things for his new apartment, he used to wear one boxer for one week, guess what I worked on him and today, Oga na him dey teach hygiene like say na him first name.
DeletePoster you said you are depressed because of the guy? Is that not a red flag? Not all that glitters is gold. At least you should have even a little love for him or else why torture yourself?
DeletePoster, I am a leader in many parts of life, most especially in charge of Youths and a Pastor of a church, I want to tell you that except you have a leading contrary to it, please go ahead and marry this guy.
DeleteThe 'foolish' thing that I have discovered about women is they always want to eat their cake and have it at the same time. A combination that is not easy to find:
They want:
1. A good looking man
2. Well dressed
3. Godly
4 Good looking
5. A man who will have time for them
6. Trustworthy
7. Charming
8. Well to do man
etc
All these factors are good but very hard to come by in a good single man. We all grow to become what you ladies dream to become.
This is why ladies always fall into the hands of players, married persons, etc who are ready to deceive them with materials things and this is exactly what the poster is craving for.
You have seen a good guy but your heart desires will deceive you to think there is a good guy somewhere.
Marry him except you have a good confirmation from God
But 17:37 you still don't love him do you?
DeleteIt's called settling and yes it's allowed as long as you're okay with it.
Once you marry him he will change and treat your fuck up. You think he’s a fool and doesn’t know you don’t like him? Plus you are a greedy bitch I’m sure he gives you money that’s why you are not letting him go. You are a very wicked soul and don’t deserve him if he’s as nice as you paint him
DeletePlease poster, don’t ever make the mistake of marrying him. The fact that a man loves you or is nice, is NO GUARANTEE that you would love him later or that that you would be happy if you marry him.
DeleteI’m extremely sad and depressed right now because I made the same mistake you almost want to make . BE CONFIDENT in yourself, don’t you ever let go of your standards because of the word, ‘ marriage’ cos you will surely regret it.
Poster
DeletePls talk to God
Jesus,some Nigerian women are very stupid oo...So it an achievement for a man to use your name on his receipt for furniture?..smfh..
Deletewhy do you people keep following prophets? Is it the prophet that will live with your spouse? Are you sure of the prophet's godly ways? You people should learn to make choices for your selves and live with any outcomes of your decision
ReplyDeleteCorrect talk, Sylvia!
Deletena over spirituality dey cos am.U bera drop spirikoko and think with your head.
DeleteOxygen, you have a good head on your shoulders.
DeleteDrop his number
ReplyDeleteGirls are not smiling 😂😁
DeleteHahaha
DeleteZero 8 zero 3.... find-your-own-husband.
DeleteHahahahaha na you the man want
DeleteIt is awesome to marry a man that loves you more, too sweet infact because I enjoy it in my home, but you have to love him as well, not tolerate him. Poster, please DONOT get married to that man. You will NEVER love him, no matter what he does. You will be irritated by everything about him. God can grant your heart desires, just take it to Him in prayers, and He will satisfy your need at the right time. You want to be with a good man, and a man you can be proud of. A man that excites you. Yes he will tolerate your excesses because he loves you more, but someday, he will get fed up, and might do something drastic. The best marriage, is one where there is Love, and YOU as the woman feels that love. With love, comes respect and honor and submissiveness to your husband. If you donot love him, you will not respect him. Take it to the Lord, wait on Him please. You have waited in purity this long, don’t let it go to waste. I pray God comes through for you. He is never late. Good luck.
DeletePersonally I don't know where you guys meet all these prophets telling you blah blah blah.
ReplyDeleteWhen confused, talk to God... With a clear heart, fast and pray and God would give you the answer you seek.
About an unpolished man, baby girl you can brush him up. you just have to put your mind to it. He is godfearing, working and loves you... Not everyone gets the "prince charming or mills and boons" kinda romance. Give it time, don't let him rush you into marriage now. Hear from God yourself before taking another step
You don't even have 1% love for this guy, for yours n his peace of mind, let him go.
ReplyDeleteExactly, poster you don't love this guy at all!! Let him go, you are 24, you will find another man. I was in this same situation some years ago. This man loved me to pieces. He is a true believer, selfless to a fault.. I slept in his house one night, there was no light so we put the generator on not knowing there wasn't enough fuel to power overnight, NEPA took light before daybreak and I got very uncomfortable(dry season). This guy looked for a handfan at that time of the night and used on me till I slept off@!! That act blew me away. I honestly thought about it for a very long time, but I knew we won't have a happy marriage. He will be happy initially, but I will eventually dampen the effect by the time i start pouring my unending frustrations on the poor guy. Looking back, I do not regret taking that decision. Think about it, this guy deserves someone who loves him in his life too.
DeleteAnd Oh, I was 23 then too. Moral lesson; it's too early for you to settle. Pray and give it another 3 months, if it still doesn't go down well with You, waka!
DeletePoster,the love will grow...give it a chance.
ReplyDeleteGood men are hard to see,Teach him what you want,I believe he will be willing to learn cos he loves you and above all fast and pray...tell God to lead and guide you
When your spirit rejects someone, most cases that person remains rejected.
DeleteI tell u! 15:41
DeleteI once dated a guy. I wasn’t sure what I had for him but I know for sure it wasnt love. I will visit him and lock my self inside the guest room watching movies. He’ll be at d door calling me that food is ready that I should come and eat😂
I hated doing d do wit him reasons being that he stays too long and the sex becomes annoying. So I was always dodging that part and most times form sickness so I won’t visit him.
He didn’t know I’m a snake in d monkey shadow kinda girl till we broke up.
Now I got married and my husband is always begging me to stop. As in we are always changing styles. Never marry someone u cringe when they touch u.
There’s no manual for these things my dear. Na only u know as e Dey do u.
I'm 40 and single. A guy who I met in church and became close to likes me. As in we get along, we laugh, cry, talk for hours. I don't have a drop of attraction for him. The thought of kissing him makes me want to vomit.
Deleteat 24 and you think this guy is the only male left bon planet earth? yes he loves you but that is not enough. you do not love him so let him go if not you will surely regret it. marriage is to be enjoyed not endured. he is not the only good man in this world. don't let your mum push you into a loveless marriage.
ReplyDeleteSince you are a Christian, why don't you do your research in the bible? Read about how the people in their bible found their godly spouses. There will lye your answer and dont forget to pray about it. While at it, please tell him to move the date of seeing your parents further. Let him know you will need more time.
ReplyDeleteWhich bible Godly spouse...na d same with this age?
DeleteI wonder how some of you function mentally. See advice.
DeleteForget him and enjoy your life. You're still young
ReplyDeleteI'll go with Stellas advice, don't do it. You're not even excited at the thought of being married to him. Life is too short to be trapped in an unhappy marriage
ReplyDeleteIf only she knows the amount of unhappy married women and men in this country, she wouldnt add to that number... theyre just inside there cus of the children or no concrete place to go.
DeleteIf you give 20 married women 10million naira each to leave their marriage & be on their own with their kids, 15 will dance and collect that money.
15 ke? 18 will collect money o. Me sef, if you give me 10mill, i'll do female castration (if there's anything like that). Most times, it's money that make us shine teeth with these mitches (man bitches).
DeleteHaahahahahah Castle!!!! Keeping it real yo!!! So many unhappy people in marriages.
DeleteThen they wii come to office and pour all their venom.
To go home mba!
Using style to hold up everyone in the office because they don't want to go home.
Na we force you say make you marry????hian!?
I get your point. Can't imagine getting married to someone I have no feelings for. Tell him to delay the wedding preparations then try for another 6 months and see if you will have chemistry. For the chemistry, tell him with style to change his wardrobe. Go with him and select clothes that fit him. Tell him about sdk blog. The more he reads it, the wider his knowledge. Go with him to cinema to watch movies. From what you described, he is good so just try to make him more appealing. You may meet a happening guy who loves you 2moro but he could be a serial baby daddy. Choose wisely. Try to make it work. I know the fact that the guy is local can be a turn off but that can change with time.
ReplyDeleteAshawos were once virgins
I think you made a good point.
DeleteI'm with you on this. If you make out time to do more stuff together you might just see another side of him that you'll love. Go out more,talk more-never mind if you initiate the conversation all the time,go shopping,movie watching, people watching lol! Sometimes its just a little nudging on the right track you'll be happy with the results. Communication is key,always remember that. I think you should open your mind and give it a try.
DeleteMy two cents.
BEST response so far! The 'weed' you're taking is working for you jare! Abeg send me your supplier's number! hehehehehehe
DeleteWeed Chick these things you mentioned are good, but it's all about orientation, upbringing, socialization.
DeleteDo you know there are grown up people, some educated, who reject things we consider normal? Like washing machines, smoothies, good perfumes going to the cinemas, make up? They consider them too 'oyibo', modern or not Nigerian.
And it runs through their perspective, nothing worse than trying to relate to someone with a very local primitive point of view.
Their thinking, dressing, attitude even their smell, primitive.com. Bushingo lala.
I typed something her but it disappeared so lemme summarise.
DeletePoster whatever you do, don't introduce him to social media. That's the fastest way to spoil a man. Women whose men are not or interested in being on social media do not know what God did for them. 80% of Nigerian men on social media are where's. Even pastors.
Change his dress sense and some other things but leave that sm side.
*whores*
DeleteCastle, sooo true!
DeletePoster, your man is better off without SM.
Mitches everywhere on SM i tell you.
😂😂😂😂...primitive.com, bushingo lala.
DeleteThese guys that one doesn't like nver give time for it to grow. The one on my case would ask everyday if I'm now interested in marrying him
DeleteDon't marry him if you don't love him. .I did same and 12 years after I still don't ..Don't get me wrong I love him as a husband but not in love with him.. And I grew up loving love and longed to be swept off my feet.. But the only thing holding is the God factor.. He is not a womanizer. .He is God fearing man to the core and an evangelist.. So please don't.. You will certainly see a man who fits at least more than half of your husband list.. Cheers
DeleteWhen it come to spiritual matters especially regarding marriage I am very careful. I want you to understand that no matter how you you think you know this guy, his other sides will manifest in marriage likewise you too. Love most times grows in marriage, you can never have a hundred percent of what you want in a person, another thing is does he meet up at least 70 - 80 percent of what you want in a man? if so then you will have learn how to tolerate the remaining percentage. Most importantly you have to be prayerful and allow God to lead you Himself.
ReplyDeleteI was married traditionally to a man I never loved and it didn't survive one year. I was never excited about him and he said this on several occasions.
ReplyDeleteProblem is with time , you might get irritated or fall in love with him. Nothing is guaranteed.
It's obvious you are concern about his looks and so you just can't open your heart to love him. Talk to him to give you time, do not give in to pressure to see your parents with the way you feel about him. You need to open your heart, make efforts to brush him up. And see if an atom of love will develop. You have to love a bit before marriage. Because we understand that he loves you which is good. That means you need to work on you. Marriage is to be enjoyed not endured.
ReplyDeleteAt your age settling for less than you desire should not even be on your mind. Why would you at the prime of your life in youth, beauty, and vigor settle for a man you feel absolutely nothing for? Seek a love with passion and a man who makes every cell in your body vibrate for joy when you see him. Even women in their 40s are looking for a love with passion. Sit him down and let him know you only have a sisterly feeling for him and it is best he deserves someone who will love him just as much as he does her. Even if you give yourself 3-4 yrs to find someone and settle into marriage you will still be under 30yrs old. Life is not running away, you have time.
ReplyDeleteI once took someone I wasn't excited about home and one arguement after intro broke up the engagement.It was easy for me to walk away because that initial excitement wasn't there.
ReplyDeleteHe is a good man, very Spiritual, people around him call him Pastor.(Well I wasn't there when he was ordained).He mentioned after intro that he will open a Church after wedding and I started asking myself if I'm called to be a pastors wife.🤔
I've noticed that most spirikoko brothers are usually boring and it's worse when they don't care about their dressing or physical hygiene generally but we can't deny the fact that most of them are nice.
My dear check your inner man and ask yourself if you can handle all you stated(your concerns I mean).Also ask him his plans for ministry and all that so that he doesn't spring up suprise on you after wedding.
I remember that my aunt noticed I wasn't excited and asked me why and I said I don't like the fact he doesnt dress smartly but she said that's not enough reason cos I can help him choose clothes and combine colours.He also asked me why I wasn't excited getting married to him and told him it's because "he is SUPER boring.😊
I have a lot more to say but no more energy to type.Just know that if you decide to be with him, you will be the one to steer the relationship.Bring the Fun, Bring the Swag,Bring the Magic.I hope he picks up and meet you half way else you might get exhausted.
You are just 24 and you feel you might not meet a good man again if you walk away,issorait.
All the Best.
Just Say A Prayer Over It
ReplyDeletePoster DO NOT MARRY HIM. You are settling!!!! Wait. You are going to meet THE ONE. He will find you. You do not want to send in chronicles several years down the line complaining of unemotional attachment to the father of your children. Besides, your heart is not with him. Why marry him? Life is too short for unhappiness...Stick to your values. You will be happier and self content for it. Being a virgin is not a curse. Stay true to God, you and you!
ReplyDeleteYou should stop assuring every lady that writes chronicles or rants that they'd meet The One! The bitter truth we wont all meet that special person that makes our heart skip a beat, i'm not saying a lady should settle for less but tomorrow is not promised. That "the one" has kept some ladies single till 40, still waiting for the cows to come home literally, its a probability... we're all pawns on a chess board.
Delete....and what is wrong in being single at 40? When it comes to marriage, there is nothing as good as being in love and being loved in return and if the poster has to wait some more for that to happen, then so be it.
DeleteOxygen, I just love you because your reasoning is outside of the box. Are you married, single, single single or powerfully single?
DeleteOxygen, please speak for YOURSELF. She can continue assuring others, feel free to exclude yourself.
DeleteAbsolutely nothing wrong being 40 & single...
DeleteLadies fail to prioritize valid traits in a man, she can find 80% of her box ticked, & believe theres a 90% around the corner, afterall shes still under 30.
What is even wrong for anyone to be single forever? Some are single out of choice! Who marriage help? Anyone who thinks being alone means being lonely has not been in a bad marriage. Singleness is not a disease or a stigma abeg
DeleteI think you need to pray about it. For the Bible says He will make for you a Helper suitable you. Know one thing the Lord has a plan already for you Just let Him lead you to it
ReplyDeleteYou want God fearing man you have one but you want a man that has 'swagger'.
ReplyDeleteIf you dey look for swagger husband talk am make we hear, but mind you. Boys don't have all the swagger in the world for nothing and for only one woman.
Choose wisely.
That Swagger man pretending to love Jesus and a Christian will come.
You will so jump unto him and he will unleash the reasons why those 'swagger' were there in the first place.
Then, you will come to Stella typing how all men are cheats and never trust-worthy.
Your co-bitter stupid feminist will sympathize with you.
Your cross will remain there and you will carry it alone.
Another chronicle will come in and we will read.
From your comment, you are one judgemental human being that lacks exposure. Are you saying it is impossible for a man to have swagger and be God-fearing at the same time?
DeleteExactly. Being God-fearing does not exclude other positive qualities. It is not one or the other.
DeleteYou don't love him because he is not polished, he was brought up in the village bla bla bla. Poster leave him another woman will be there to cherish him the way he is.
ReplyDeleteExactly, another unpolished village woman can come along and they can entertain themselves by themselves.
DeleteIf you settle for less, deal with whatever you get. And just know marriage does not automatic improve people.
In marriage, people ONLY improve if they CHOOSE to improve.
This one hard o! Na wetin you go do now?
ReplyDeleteAnyway since you feel confined & not happy & free to be yourself when you are around him, it's better to let him go.
It is true there are so many single ladies searching, & good husband is not easy to come by, still don't gamble with your happiness.
You are 24 right, so calm down a bit, you will still meet a God fearing good man that will be your spec. You just keep praying about it, don't give up all because your mum said this or that, it's time to start socializing, do it with wisdom & back up with prayer, you will be alright.
I think dis guy loves u so much and dat most important, he will meet up wit his dressing if u give him chance, if he really know God not matter of being spiritual he,s definitely going to treat u fine wit d fear of God and u hv no option than to reciprocate and love him back, u can,t find all d packages in one man and if it appears so I bet u it,s fake, I think u can go wit dis atleast his character is OK.
ReplyDeleteThat's selfishness. It WONT last. Chic has noniota of love or feelings for dude. Poster o was once in ypur shoes.... I married well at 29.
DeleteMy dear that was how I married my husband because he's a good man and he loves me more than life. However, I deny him sex all the time because he's not that attracted to me. I like him but not in love with him. M y attitude towards him (because I don't love him) has started bringing out the little monster in him He gets angry easily these days and little other things. I envy people who married the love of their lives....BUT I won't trade good qualities for a bad guy who cheats and beats me because he's the love of my love.
ReplyDeleteExactly, I said something like this up there.
DeleteYou don't seem to love him from all you've said, I'll advise you let him go.
ReplyDeleteSee enhh! Remove this mindset of you may not find a better man to love you if you let him go from your mind and have a positive outlook towards life. All you need to do is pray to God and trust Him enough to connect you with your own.
Love will find you when you least expected, it will flow effortlessly, you will enjoy it and be at peace as well. E nor hard at all. if only you can trust God and have a positive mindset.
I know people will say its better to marry a man that loves you more but at least you also need to love him a little. If you don't love him at all, with time you may detest him and it won't work. You can't force love.
Well,my advise is if u don't feel OK,getting married to him ,don't.i had similar issue like this but mine was that we don't reason alike,we were always having issues but my ex loved me so much even the day of the introduction I asked my mum if after introduction I can still go my way if I decide.she was surprised at the question but I was looking at the bigger picture of not enduring marriage.we finally broke up 3months to the white wedding.dates were already fixed,hall booked n clothes were already bought.but I am happily married now.marriage itself needs a lot of work.give it some time, pray about it.love grows in marriage if it's just about the dressing that can b worked on as for discussions with him always raise a topic n try to make him discuss with you.try all you can first if it doesn't work,then take a bow
ReplyDeleteAll I can say is that a typical Nigerian woman will marry who she has zero feelings for. I don't blame you poster,I blame our society for putting So much pressure on women. Love is an amazing feeling. We women deserve to love and be loved not just marry a man we feel is good with the fear that we might never find another good man. I wish we would look out for our own happiness,I wish poster would wait a while to love and be loved but this might not be the reality. I don't know what else to say but I know that it is good to marry who your heart beats for.
ReplyDeleteWord. God bless you. Marry who your heart beats for.
DeleteThank you!
DeletePoster, if u marry a man u don't love eh,hmmmm, chances are ul never love him.
Im married now but while single, i had a guy that wanted to marry me,if il just say yes! I tried giving him a chance but nope, no emotions whatsoever from my side.
I never wanted to be seen with him, i couldn't even hold his hand, attraction was ZERO! I just ended it barely two months of getting to know him and mind u, he s very enlightened,comfortable, God fearing,very calm, but he wasn't my spec in a guy.
I ran as far as i could jare, now I'm married with two kids and my husband and I LOVE each other.
Do not marry a guy U r not attracted to pls.... ul regret it. Even if he worships the ground u walk on,ul lack fulfilment.
Do not allow societal or family pressure take over...no be them go live with the guy, na u
This is my twelfth year of marriage, so I will advice you based on that. The only way that you can enjoy that marriage and stay in it, is by marrying someone who loves you and worships the ground you walk on, with time, all these will make you fall in love without you knowing. Another one, because he loves you, likely he listens to you, so that will give you the opportunity of brushing him to your taste in a loving way,because he will heed to your advice. Do know that when people say Godly person, the right word should be, someone who lives a Christ like life. That means the person lives his life like Christ. You should know that living in a church does not mean he lives a Christ like life. I don't know, which one he is, but from your description, he lives a Christ like life, which means treating his fellow human beings well, just like Christ did. This shows you that, his respect goes first to you because you are a human being that deserves respect and that's why he treats you well. Marry someone who respects your feelings as a person,then when you are married, the person will respect you more as a wife. Please throw away that pastor in a pit, if you can.
ReplyDeleteI was once in your shoes, same age(24)same 3 years, i mean the same duration of years he pursued you the guy pursued me.I was also a V, i still am.
ReplyDeleteIf I didn't know me I would say i went back in time to write this or unknowingly entered a time machine into the past. I also had the same issue as you which was "no single ATTRACTION" whatsoever and i knew he loved me but after thinking about it for a long time I broke it up.
I need to love him as much as he loved me,i didn't want to marry a man i only tolerated, for life is too long to live in misery.
I know people may tell you marry a man that loves you more than you love him but from my experience that's bull. You are only short-changing yourself. let them try being in such situation it's hell on it's own.
Some may tell you with time you will love him for where if you don't love him now, you just don't, anything else is love out of pity biko.
Stop considering your age you are still young for i remember when i was 24 i felt marriage must happen by force and I won't meet any other person who would love me like he did in the future but that's not true.
It's been 5 years now and am just getting married but am extremely happy i waited for this treasure. He spoils and pampers me, treats me like a Queen, trust me he is worth the wait for he is what I ever hoped for and much more and yes the feeling is mutual.
You are still young make friends, go out more, broaden your horizon most especially pray about it. It's well.
Thankio!! This is more like my story too. Same time duration of dating, about the same age. I'm 28 now, I just got married and I'm doing fine.
DeleteIf you can't stand him, I'd say let him go now.
ReplyDeleteI'd also tell you to pray about it but chances are, you'll not hear God cos you are not open-minded. You've already decided you don't like him. One of my former suitors told me love is a decision not a feeling. I did not believe him but even though I did not marry him, I can say now that he was right. Sometimes, we need to let go of our picture of the perfect man for God to give us His perfect man for us. Not every great marriage starts with chemistry. I'm a testimony to this.
Truly love is a decision, but the decision is helped when you like and love the person. If there is no love, it will be very difficult hanging there during tough times.
DeleteDear poster please don't marry that guy if you don't feel that inner peace each time you think of him or you guys are together.
ReplyDeleteWhen you say exposed this worries me. Will he encourage you and not see you as a threat when you want to achieve your dreams? Will he support you? Forget all the love he has right now. Can you count on him to be there for you when you need him
ReplyDeleteAlmost everybody on this blog ignorant die!
ReplyDeleteThe Bible mandated woman to respect her husband and man to love his woman. #shikena
Nuffsaid.
GOD bless you my brother, love me and I will respect you chickena. Some people don't even know what love is, read up 1 Corinthians 13 and understand the depth of love (if you are a Christian oh)
DeleteLoll, 2 dunderheads.
DeleteBefore you go ahead with the marriage plans please seek the face of God , do not believe what the prophet told you most of them are not from GOd seek God pray and fast God will speak to you do not rush into marrying him seem you dont love him.
ReplyDeleteI will say communication matters a lot, you can let him in on your fears and see if it can change him. I once dated a guy like that, he wasnt timid but his sense of dressing di egwu, I started by getting him good t-shirts and shirts, and he understood the kind of stuff I wanted him to always wear, with time he changed and was a bad ass dresser, he loved me a lot and cooked for me and did all sort for me, I was looking for money and didn't look his way. His made and living fine now and I see the way he dresses too and I smile knowing fully well it was my making.
ReplyDeleteSo u have 2 choices, teach him and so if he can change and if u can actually love him or you wait for the right person. But the truth remains that he may be the one for you and you will pursue him bcos of fashion and all that. He can go ahead and meet your parents, it musnt lead to marriage.
ka onye nwe anyi mezi okwua
Poster as many have already said seek the face of God. The Holy Spirit will guide you aright. Meanwhile the issues you are raising about boring and dressing are things you can lovingly address with time.
ReplyDeleteMy dear let me tell you from my own experience. I used to read a lot of mills and boons, silhouette romance paper back,along came a handful of suitors.
One in particular I remember up till today how I arrogantly mistreated because he had tribal marks. Fast forward to some years later along came a guy that any girl would desire..speaks eloquently, dresses to the tilt but he is a perennial womanizer unorganized, heady,arrogant and I have passed through hell with him and still stuck in it.
So my dear Sometimes I think back to my guy with the tribal mark and ask what good the daniska I fell for brought me. So my dear shine your eyes.
Your own is called "olojukokoroo" continue to live in it.
DeleteThank you for this! I have a friend feeling depressed about marrying the "exposed" guy. The guy is tall, handsome, etc., but a serial womaniser. He treats her like dirt, but after three kids she feels helpless. The problem with some of the good looking, exposed guys is that they feel they are doing you a favour marrying you, because in their minds, they have so many options. I am of the opinion of marrying a guy that loves you more.
DeleteI have told myself now, to say a big NO to anyone who feels he is doing me a favour by marrying you. Because you be wetin? Since ayam enjoying being single, I would rather remain that than marry someone like that, however fine or rich or spiritual he may be. Tufiakwa!
DeleteYou don't love him an you tagged along. Why do you want to go on with him? Part of the reason for not having love for him is lack of panache or trendy. Have you told him? You can upgrade him you know. Good men are hard to come by these days. Just follow your mind.
ReplyDeleteMy love, this was me a few years back. People tried to tell me just like they're doing you now that I wouldn't get another guy. Sigh! I summoned courage one day and broke up with him, for crying out loud, I didn't love him.I wasn't excited. I couldn't bear to spend one full hour with him etc. I opened up to a friend who was reprimanding me when I broke up with him that I would never have a kid for him if I married him, why? I couldn't bear him touching me let alone make love to me! Guess what? I got a better gift from this same God. Just the way I want him. Hubby has the same spirikoko qualities I was looking for in a very lovely container. You won't think my hubby was born again by just looking at his face and dressing or talking but he is a pure deeper life at heart. So please, don't despair about this. Talk to God about it and then end things politely with this guy.Dont be rude or harsh but make sure you're firm because he won't find letting you go so easy, he's probably going to come crying and pleading so heavily that you'll almost want to pity him. Just be wise and let him understand it's for the the good of you both. I assure you: he'll find a woman, you'll definitely find another man too.
ReplyDeleteNote: God is the only one of His kind. Every human being has his/her like somewhere.
Dear Poster,I would advise that you seek the face of God on this one. Marriage is supposed to be for a lifetime so there should be no rush. Pray earnestly,fast if you need to. Ask God for signs. Seek God's face,He will guide you aright. Thank you
ReplyDeletePlease, do not marry someone you dont love! When marriage happens, there's no way you won't feel like leaving and that is not good for you. Sometimes, we need to let go of our picture of the perfect man for God to give us His perfect man for us. Please, forget what the prophet said. Go to God youself, by you yourself, and be sure God's gonna speak to you. Cheers
ReplyDeleteDicey situation...my hubby over loved me..in just two years of marriage...having sex with him is like disturbance to me...I hardly get wet..my whole V. will swell..dunno again o..U guys shd also advise me so I can get wet n enjoy masef...Poster evthg has advantage n disadvantage!! MzSilky
ReplyDeleteStart by using a good lubricant. Also begin to sexualised him in your thoughts and try to make him do those things that you will enjoy in bed. Most times we don't know what we have until we lose it.
DeleteGet a vibrator or dildo. Use it with him
DeleteSeek the face of God by going on a personal retreat! trust me you don't want to get it wrong!
ReplyDeletePoster, I know what your problem is, he is not polished. You just affirmed that he is a good man. I tell you hold unto him & you will never regret it. One more thing, it is the duty of the husband to love his wife and he does love you.
ReplyDeleteDear Poster, i've been a little over a year and i can tell you this. Attraction and love are key in any marriage. If you feel this way, please tell him now and let him go. Trust me, you will find the one who compliments you
ReplyDelete1. You seem not to know what love is yet. I don't blame you. it took me thiiiiiiiis long to know as well.
ReplyDelete2. Likewise you don't know what marriage is all about yet.
My advice:
3. Nobody ever gets the full package in a marriage. So focus on your core values. You mentioned spirikoko, I wonder if that means being righteous or being religious.
4. Tell him to give you time to sort your understanding and feelings out. Don't take him home yet. if he wants you forever, why the hurry. Spend the 3-6 months trying to make up your mind by
I. Researching more on what love is and what marriage is.
ii. Access both of your financial standing. It's a prerequisite for successful relationships in Nigeria. I didn't say you have to be rich.
iii. I am not an atheist but I believe more in the concept of emotional intelligence in relationships that spirituality.
iv. In short, all I'm saying is you need wisdom. Nobody has it all. Even seemingly perfect people change. Due to various reasons even circumstances beyond their control.
v. Assume you got married to your seemingly perfect spec of a husband and somewhere down the line he became this spec we're talking about now, what would you do.
vi. Personally for me, (and this has a lot to do with how intelligent you are yourself), I cannot stand unintelligent people, they make life more difficult. Emotionally intelligent people will mostly always reach a compromise. But relating with someone on a totally different wavelength of intelligence usuall
Many women in Nigeria marry who is available not who they love.
ReplyDeletePoster, truth is you don’t love that man, you are with him cos you want to be in a relationship. Don’t force yourself, it takes more than ‘he loves you more’ or ‘ he is spiritual’ to stay married. Someone even said he won’t cheat on you because he is spirikoko...’yinmu’. Spirikoko or not, if a man wants to cheat he will cheat. My advice is let this good man be, your man is out there you just need to take your time and don’t rush things so you won’t regret your decision later in life.
ReplyDeleteContinued @ Anon 19. 04
ReplyDeletedifferent wavelength of intelligence usually ends in disaster.
vii. how mature are yourself? How good? How many yards of a wife material are you yourself? Do you think you're his utmost choice? Definitely not. And that's how I came about my own definition of love. Liking, accepting and wanting our choice regardless of whether they tick the boxes of our perfect spec or not.
viii. Yoruba will say "idobale kii se iwa". That's he's spirikoko doesn't guarantee that he'll be yards of husband material. What do you want in a life partner? He doesn't need to check majority of the boxes, no. He needs to check the top most important boxes. I'll use myself as example so you'll understand.
My man has to be in no particular order
loving
selfless
emotionally intelligent
fairly good in bed
expressive
financially capable
good looking is a plus
great family is a plus
etc etc
but in order of priority
emotionally intelligent
financially capable(this wouldnt be important to me if I had my own money but it does now as I've lost my job)
expressive- able to communicate well
selfless
... honestly, the rest may or may not be there. But I wouldn't even love love you the above are not.
Goodluck
Contd @ Anon 19:04
ReplyDelete...different wavelength of intelligence usually ends in disaster.
vii. how mature are yourself? How good? How many yards of a wife material are you yourself? Do you think you're his utmost choice? Definitely not. And that's how I came about my own definition of love. Liking, accepting and wanting our choice regardless of whether they tick the boxes of our perfect spec or not.
viii. Yoruba will say "idobale kii se iwa". That's he's spirikoko doesn't guarantee that he'll be yards of husband material. What do you want in a life partner? He doesn't need to check majority of the boxes, no. He needs to check the top most important boxes. I'll use myself as example so you'll understand.
My man has to be in no particular order
loving
selfless
emotionally intelligent
fairly good in bed
expressive
financially capable
good looking is a plus
great family is a plus
etc etc
but in order of priority
emotionally intelligent
financially capable(this wouldnt be important to me if I had my own money but it does now as I've lost my job)
expressive- able to communicate well
selfless
... honestly, the rest may or may not be there. But I wouldn't even love love you the above are not.
Goodluck!
Enter your comment. Baby girl, with all dis plenty comments don't end up confusing yourself.
ReplyDeleteAsk one person who knows the perfect answer
Jesus.
Dear poster, you seem to me as a believer. Please go listen to a woman of God called Debola deji kurunmi (DDK) the author of FIREBRAND. I am sure you will find answers to your questions and be blessed.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous 19.04 talk talkey..why not mould your dream man?you don't even have a dime and YOU stating all these qualities😂😂😂ole
ReplyDeleteHahahahahahaha anon stop naaa lols...see list!
DeleteMumu! When you'll not read and digest properly. I didn't say he has to tick all the boxes. I said one needs to rearrange the list in order of individual priority and make sure the most important ones are checked. Even if it's 30% of the total list. We prioritise things differently. What is important to me, might not be important to you. Just like we speak different love languages. Saying that the guy loves her is not enough for those that claim marrying a man who loves you is the way. Does he love her the way she likes to be loved? Does he speak her love language?
DeleteAnd i'm now an enterpreneur but the challenges of making a business work in Nigeria are gruesome and I'm still struggling to find my feet. That's why i said financial support is now important to me not that I'm lazy. Ode!
Never marry a man you don't love, you will regret it.
ReplyDeleteIf u eventually change ur mind to marry him,pls confirm if he gets an erection
ReplyDeleteI married my husband because he was the only man who ever treated me right but i didn't love him at all. All these so called "good looking guys" come with baggage that you cant handle as a good girl.For me, the first few years were tough because the love wasn't just there but he was extremely good to me. i thought of cheating a couple of times but my faith wouldn't just let me.
ReplyDeleteone day, i sat down and said to myself, i just have to love this man. It was a conscious effort and today, i cant believe its 8 years and i so much LOVE him.
Its going to be tough, but you can achieve this if you set your mind to it.
Since he loves you so much, communicate to him on how you feel, you will be amazed that he will be willing to change. even to something as minute as the colour of his boxers. This worked for me, communication is key. I always tell people that if i had not married him, i would have regretted it.
You are a christian, stop going to prophet. hear from God directly.
Best of luck!!!
This was my state of mind every day from the date hw proposed ro thw day he met my parents then thw preaaurw wwnt up 100 notches. It was no longer the way i fwlt rhat matteres as muxh as it was how wicked i would seem if i left him after he had mwt rhe most important pwople in my life - family. So what happened? I married him, found out that his lack of exposure madw him susceptible to a dwmonic inferiority complex. His 'love' waned and became wickedness. My outgoing self was a threat. Summary: our marriage lastes 6months and 18 days. My family would not have cared even if i called the wedding off standing at the altar because they love me to bits. My story ending may not be yours. It could end better for you or you could die after a short married life spent living a lie.
ReplyDeleteDear Poster, marriage is a good thing either we like it or not but the fact that you are still sitting on the fence is not healthy enough for you to love him. You said something about his timid nature, kindly upgrade him since you know little or more about his background. Please decide within your heart of heart to love and care for him, love is never make but build, kindly build the love for him and teach him the city life you prefer. Most importantly try and know the type of man he is.
ReplyDeleteMoreso, you told us his age, so as to advice based on the age and what you really need to know about that and search for books and journals about perfect man. Good luck
marrying a man you dont like is the worse thing that can ever happen to a woman.my did it outt of pleasure and the did not l;ast for 2 months i walkedout when i also died with domestic violent and stalvation.dear poster dont do it.
ReplyDeleteAt 24, you're already thinking like this. Please chill, relax and enjoy your life. I got married at 30 and I wish I even waited a bit longer. Getting married right is better than getting married early.
ReplyDelete