Stella Dimoko Emotionally Unavailable Persons!


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Friday, March 22, 2019

Emotionally Unavailable Persons!

 Good relationships can sometimes go through hard times when one has got to hold on, but first, you've got to know if you are in a relationship or a ‘situationship.’ Yes a situationship is the type of 'ship' where you think you are in a relationship with a significant other, when in actual fact, that significant other is none but yourself. 

The big question is, “Are you dating yourself?"

Now, nobody likes to admit that those 7, 8, 6, 12, 2 years, or 2 weeks you have given yourself to loving someone are wasted years. It’s like a blow to the ego. We keep asking ourselves all those self accusing questions. Could you have done something differently? Perhaps if you had dressed in a certain way, lost a little more weight, made a little more money, given a little more time...yada yada yada. Honey, we all need an upgrade every once in a while but there are people who you could never be good enough for, heck! Nobody could ever be good enough for them.

It’s time for you to wake up and smell the coffee. Now sit tight, because WE NEED TO TALK!

I hate to be the one to break it to you but there are people who cannot love. Now don't give me that 'everybody's got flaws' look. I repeat, some people cannot love!!!!!!! Let it sink a moment. No matter what you do, it’s just never enough. On why they are this way will take a 12 page article, I'm not about to go into that right now, just note that there are usually deep seated issues.

Remember John Mayers song, verse 1 chorus:"I know a girl, she puts the colour inside of my world, but she's just like a maze where all of the walls all continually change; and I've done all I can, to stand on her steps with my heart in my hands. now I'm starting to see, maybe it’s got nothing to do with me. fathers be good to your daughters, daughters will love like you do, cause girls become lovers who turn into mothers, so mothers be good to your daughters too"

This song should give you a clue of where deep seated issues may stem from. (apply to both genders). There are 3 categories of people who make loving them hard or impossible.

Category 1: Incapable of giving love but damn well know how to receive it. (Narcissists)

Category 2
: These set of people love to love but are incapable of receiving love. These folks do not believe they deserve to be loved. (Avoidant Personality Disorder or high insecurity)

Category 3: Please beg whomever you serve, that they never allow you meet and fall in love with category 3. Incapable of giving and receiving love. (Sadists)

So what are we on about here? We are talking about Emotionally unavailable people. People who act savage are the ones who need love the most. Yea true!

I'm not telling you to flee every emotionally unavailable person that comes your way, oh yes they will come your way, (lord knows we have one too many in the world), you could be the catalyst they need.

This post is to help you understand what you might be getting yourself up against! Then there are people who are emotionally unavailable and don't even know it... Well lets understand these categories, shall we?

Understand that not everyone in a relationship is looking for love; It would save you a whole lot of heartaches if you can keep this in mind. Don't be deceived, an emotionally unavailable person (let's call them E.U.P) is very capable of doing the romantic chase. In the beginning, you may not have been interested because let's say they're married or they initially ignore you or act like they hate you. Then they suddenly have eyes for only you go out of their way to impress you, wine and dine you, show unwavering attention, for as long as it would take, they will court you. When you finally say yes, the drama begins.

Perhaps it was you who did all of the above because you found their eccentric nature attractive. Well either way, the relationship is officially just kick starting and you are already beginning to experience the frustration of “what happened to us?" It’s not like they've fallen out of love for you, (not like they were in love with you earlier most of the times anyway) it’s just like we said earlier, deep seated issues, broken people, hurt people hurting other people consciously or unconsciously.

If you are with category 1, these ones will punish you for loving them. They start quarrels over irrelevant issues, usually verbally abusive, could switch you off for weeks, either not calling or picking your calls, not visiting only to appear after weeks, like nothing happened with no explanations and no remorse. When you get tired of the circle and want to pull away, then they show you great affection, you fall deeper in love, they withdraw it again and leave you feeling guilty, wanting to win them back. Category 2, gets bored of people quickly or are afraid to be loved. These people can show you genuine love, love like you've never ever seen. The problem begins when you begin to reciprocate that love. These people actually desire to be loved, but cannot stand it if it eventually comes.

You tell them "I love you". They wonder why or how anybody could love them, so they interpret it to mean falsehood. They start to withdraw from you. Of course category 3 are sadists. Sadists cannot give or receive love. They thrive on other people’s pain or suffering. If you are with category 1 or 2 there is hope for you. If you are with category 3 ABORT SHIP!!!!! I know you watched 50 shades of Grey and 50 shades darker, where Christian Grey told Anastasia that he's a sadist. However he fell in love with Anastasia and 'the love 'changed' him. My darling the percentage of sadists falling in love and changing is 1 in 1000. Well you say you can be the one in one thousand, well good luck then.

Ways to identify an Emotionally Unavailable Person

How can you identify an E.U.P? E.U.Ps come in different styles and shades, they may come in the form of a narcissistic partner or even a parent. Sweet pea, a narcissist will drive you crazy. In their own eyes, they are perfection personified....let's not digress into this personality disorder please. Alright, there are actually 5 signs, if you tick all these five signs in one person…

Number One: Too good to be true. Sweetie don't get me wrong, there are people who we meet in life who are almost close to perfection. Normal good people but when you meet an E.U.P. its waaaaaaay different. You see E.U.Ps take their time to select their "prey". Oh they would charm you off your pants. (Literally and figuratively). They usually have a mystery aura surrounding them that would get your attention. Don't be fooled, they can charm you so easily most likely because they've been observing you for a very long time without your knowledge. Don't let it freak you when they know the perfect things to say, the things you like, the people you hang out with, where you school or work. Thanks to social media, they can tell quite a lot about you. They will focus all attention on you, you'd feel flattered. WARNING!!!! If it feels too good to be true, it sometimes is actually too good to be true. Wise up! Stay woke!

Number two: Manipulation. Do not underestimate E.U.Ps, they are masters of the manipulation game. They'd leave you doubting your better judgment. Sooner than later, they call all the shots and make all your decisions for you. Some subtly others more pronounced. They choose who you relate with, where you go, what you eat, what you wear, who you are......... They do this so adeptly, that you don't even know when you are changing. Others can see it and warn you, but you are usually the last to know.

Number three Emotional dependency. Have you ever seen the yam plant when its growing, it curls itself round anything within its reach in a bid to get more sunlight. That's the picture. These ones can cling and make you feel they can't do anything without you. Bollocks!!. Yet they'd never reciprocate in action what they say in words. Remember Kerry Hilson (lord that girl can sing), there's this song 'Energy' by her. “this love is taking all of my energy"

Loving these people will take up all of your energy. They use the weapon of tears, threats of suicide, withdrawal of material gifts, blackmail and a lot of stuffs to keep you manipulated.

Number four
: Passive Aggressive. When you hear the word aggressive, you quickly picture violent behavior, physical fights, smashing your windscreen, painting 'f**k you' in red on all your walls, and all of those stuffs. Well passive aggression is a different type of aggression. An aggression more destructive than the physical form. This one has to do with subtly punishing people by hurting them mentally and emotionally. Not everyone who is passive aggressive falls into E.U.P. Generally people who do not like confrontations, are usually good in passive aggressive behaviour. This post is not on passive aggression (some other time), Some E.U.Ps greatest tool is passive aggressive behaviours. You do not need to do anything for them to throw you the cold shoulder. Oh lord, you can live together in the same house, share the same bed and they'd stop talking to you just after you made love. No reasons, no explanation and this can go on for weeks. The mental torture it puts you through gives them satisfaction and keeps you wanting to please them.

Number five : Unrealistic expectations. You remember that friend you had, who kept whining about how fat she looked even though she was as slender as spaghetti, or that brother who had no savings because his girlfriend wanted more designer outfits. Great! I once had a friend who was in a situationship with this dude. See my friend is petite in structure, always has and always will be petite! So this dude saw her in a party, did the chase for months, before they finally became an item. Guess what? Dude began to complain that baby girl was too short, excuse you! What exactly was he expecting, that she bury herself in fertilizer and grow? Funny thing was that baby girl was already in love and was getting depressed. He would admire taller girls in her presence and tell her how much tall girls were so attractive. Okay break up with her, nope, he wouldn't. Others it could be the colour of their skin, ' oh if only you were fairer,' or 'oh if only you were darker'.

Seriously! You really should not be with anyone who makes you feel small and who holds unrealistic expectations about you. Cheers.


  1. What about forkship -that one wey Naija girls go dey with (non) significant other and na only fork dey happen. Even the time wey them suppose yarn over the phone, na phone sex go replace am. The time wey them suppose yarn for social mmebi, na internet fork go replace am.
    Them go be like two ndi ogbi; dump people wey dey date. Na only nwiii, nwiii, dem dey talk. The rest of the space them go fill am with fork. Finally, na to go babalawo move the man into marriage; complete stranger o.
    Two days into marriage, either man collect slap wey them boil for stove or, girl teeth don knock off. Persin we no get gap teeth before marriage come get gap teeth overnight?

  2. Such a long read and worth the time. In all I will say it all depend on the favour one has in life. What works for one might not work for another when it comes to relationship.

    One major problem with people getting into relationship is that, they didn't set up their priorities right from the onset.

  3. Interesting Piece you've got here. Enjoyed it thoroughly.

  4. I think I can relate:

    BF 1- Left me after he traveled back to base, he didn't even have the balls to breakup with me, he had to use his gf, the only thing the bitch could say was leave my man alone you suck in bed. My old version self nearly died of low self esteem.

    BF 2, left me for a mutual friend and i didn't find out till i saw their dp, I suspected though from their pictures and all and him talking that bestie shit, gush I have suffered in this life.

    BF 3, wasn't sure if we were in love, maybe i was scared, not sure!! and only fell heads over heel with him after we broke up due to some problems beyond our control, we are still trying to get over ourselves, I guess after this write-up, i'll block him on all social networks, maybe I'll find someone i could spend my whole life with.

    BF Last: talk about sadist redefined, guy was a control freak and a manipulator, i was choking in that relationship, our break-up was messy, he told everyone and anyone I caused our breakup thinking it'll make me change my mind, boy was my mind made up, I didn't even bother explaining to anyone, they can think whatever they like, i'm done, this is like my worst relationship, money, time, efforts all gone down the drain.

    I know it doesn't make sense to anyone, just bear with me, i'm just pouring my heart out, I NEED TO VENT.

    1. It is well with you. Don't worry Mr right is coming

    2. Aunty in your next relationship, close your legs like a mermaid
      Trust me things will be clearer when sex isn’t involved.

  5. Nawa....I guess this writer is Reuben Apati's brother. Who else scrolled and didn't read?

    1. My dear very interesting writeup

    2. Me ooo.... Although I think the writer put it on IHN a few days ago..

    3. Pleasant surprises22 March 2019 at 19:44

      Me 3, too lengthy abeg

  6. God bless you for this post.
    My mom is a narcissist,
    My ex husband was.
    I always attracted narcissist.
    Then I began to read books.
    Why does he do that by Lynda something
    Too good to leave, too bad to stay,
    Gifts of imperfection
    You can heal your life.
    Now I have a siren that raises a very loud alarm whenever I am in interaction with a narcissist
    I got to find out I am an empath, an enabler and also progressing to narcissism.
    Trust me knowing is the first big step.
    I am a work in progress.
    I avoid my mom like a plague cos shes honestly the root of my problems.
    My ex doesn't even know the country I live.
    I am continually reading books.
    I also have mental awareness apps on my phone.
    Dear Poster A PERSON CAN BE ALL 3 at different times.
    That was my EX HUSBAND.
    Dear Women in abusive marriages,
    Take your time and plan your escape and leave,
    The mental, emotional, physical, financial and social abuse takes so long to heal that your innocent children becomes by products of violence and may become worse off.
    These Men who maltreats us today(never again for me) are a result of our mothers staying put in abusive marriage.
    Its in our power to change the tune.

    1. Anon 13.51

      I love your comment. I’m also an empath and have been educating myself about narcissism. I’m becoming more aware and have developed healthy boundaries.

  7. who wrote this

  8. This is me right now. I'm sitting on this very fragile table. My UK based boyfriend is abusing me mentally. He is everything written up there. God knows I've made up my mind. We aren't talking since January. Picking quarrels over irrelevant issues..

    1. Pleasant surprises22 March 2019 at 19:47

      If he won't change pls drop him like a sack of potatoes

    2. Used to be that kind of guy (well still kinda is). Not always our fault you know. Sometimes, your heart might have left the person and you might be doing trial breakups to see the best way to let the lady off gently. Also, in certain cases, you ladies are not number one on our minds. There's work, school and generally other stuffs. Time becomes a scarce commodity that there isn't enough to share. There's pressure to make some money and then your girl start saying her friends said you don't treat her well and that you might be stingy...someone just trying to forge a career path. The distance wasnt even helping matters. Later worked out the courage to break up with her (she had no fault in any of this) which was one of the saddest thing I've done in my life. She was just not the priority at that point in my life. Not that anyone was...but as she put it, I needed to find myself. I needed to do what truly made me happy.

    3. Hmm..Are you sure you are not my ex?

  9. I’m married to someone that’s great at giving frequent and long silent treatments. I always have to do the sucking up. I was never really emotional attached to anyone but my parents and siblings during my dating years. Im more focused on my education or career whichever I have going on. Also he was and still is a great partner. So I’ve just found a way to deal with it while maintaining my sanity for now. A day may come when I can’t take it anymore then I will begin to look at other options.

  10. Too many broken
    Brittle people who need help or outright deliverance

    Victims if it doesn't feel right
    Dont go stockholm syndrome



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