STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
MARRYING WITHOUT LOVE
Hi Stellz of Laif,
I remain a loyal reader and would like you to help me post my predicament anonymously as a chronicle.
At a certain age, everyone starts pressurising single ladies to get married. My impression of a life partner is someone you are compatible with; who you can talk with endlessly with ease. I have met guys who fit this category, we can chat for hours and after, I will be recalling the conversation and smiling to myself. Unfortunately, the guys I have met who fit this category are either taken, womanisers, Muslims, divorced, etc.
In my last 2 relationships, there was no chemistry between me and the guys in question. Sometimes I memorise what I will say to them before we meet. It was depressing yet I endured because I didn't want to be single. When I broke up with them, I didn't feel any heartbreak instead I was sad about being single again. I didn't love any of them at all.
Currently, I met another one that is OK physically but I feel nothing for him. His messages and calls are making me feel depressed. I don't even know what to say cos I have minus zero attraction for him. And he wants to marry me. How can I let such a person touch me?
I know there are some women who have gotten married because they want to be Mrs and not because they love the guy. How did you people do it? How is the oza room experience? Kiss kwanu? (SALIVA GO FULL MY MOUTH)
Gisting? This is not the way I imagined my love life ending. I'm depressed.
I'm someone who is cheerful, funny, etc but how can he ever find out if I can't stand him? Should I adopt a child? If you are on this table, talk to me biko. I'm losing it. :(
*Hmmmmmm ,fine ,you have not met someone you love but you are choosy oh...Maybe you will end up with exactly what you are not looking for...Instead of you to get to know the new guy well u are there talking about love...Do you want to marry someone you love more than he loves you?Dont make that mistake oh......eh hen!!!
Simple! Don't marry who you're not attracted to
ReplyDeleteMaybe age is still on her side, marriage is a little more than just love
DeletePoster if you want to do as they did, then don't be surprised to get the results they are dealing with.
DeleteIt's not about age. Your happiness should not be based on age. Imagine marrying a man you are not in love with, and you made a vow of "till death do you part". If you don't believe in divorce them you will live a life sentence of happiness. If you are worried about your emotional well being then you need to marry who you truly truly love. If you are hurrying to marry due to procreation then marry anybody that comes your way.
DeleteThis marriage matter sef
DeleteMarry the one you love ..I DID
Marry the one you can have convos with...I DID
Marry the one you are attracted to ....I DID
What i didnt know was this one would be chasing university/secondary school aged kids for sex upandan loool
Na God God help women!
Sugar pray na only God wey fit help make a choice of a loyal man...THESE DUDES AINT LOYAL NA MALE ASHAWO SPECIES FULL NAIJA....
Ducking everything in skirt just a few are different... after writing chronicles make you pray ooooo PRAY
Happiness matters alot. Age can always step aside moreover it's just a number.
DeleteU are funny though, I had a good laugh at the saliva part, chimooo.
Get to know him well first, it's better he loves you more than you love him.
How is she choosy Stellz? She only said someone she's compatible with and can converse with. Women can't have even the barest basics again, yet men have SPEC?!
Delete@anon 17:28.pls, you forgot to check the last one.
DeleteDid you marry the one that loves you more than you love him???... obviously no.So, I think this was where you got it wrong.
Poster please marry a man who love you more..However make friends first before you think about love..Its just a phase you aint a terrible person..But hey take it easy and smell the flowers..The love you seek will find you..Love comes when you ain't paying attention..All the best..
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
DeletePls marrying someone you love is also very important. Let the feeling be mutual! Everyone says - oooh marry a man that loves you, I disagree. Let the love be both ways. Me I cannot stand someone I dont love or have feelings for. How will i make love to him?? I also will not want a man that does not have feelings for me. If you are prayerful, table your needs before God an dhe will give you the desires of your heart. Don't be pressured, biko. You will find a man that is head over heels in love with you, and you with him !
ReplyDeleteI'm with you, I disagree with that statement. It will work though for most Nigerian women because it's a patriarchal society. It means the man gets what he wants..he will marry who he loves. But the woman doesn't get exactly who she loves..she is told to marry him naa, as long as he loves you. It sounds pitiful. Not bad but won't work for me.
DeleteExactly @ NiB... it sounds pitiful. Being condemned to managing a man just because ‘he loves me more than I love him’. I feel like I’ll be doing myself a disservice and cheating myself.
DeleteI would rather marry someone I love as much as he loves me. The only caveat would be to love myself more than I love any man
Nne, calm down, none is perfect.
ReplyDeleteFrom what you wrote up there, there us no chemistry between you too and i can totally relate. It can be so frustrating esp when everyone is putting pressure on you. Don't give up sis, If you can't make it work, don't force it. Infact take a walk. The right man will come when you least expect. You seem desperate. Maybe you think age is no longer on your side but that doesn't mean you should be in a loveless marriage or relationship. How do you even cope in a loveless relationship? Can't deal mehn... Love is a beautiful thing.
ReplyDeleteHow old are you that you are so desperate to want to settle for an emotionless marriage?Someone you don't have feelings for? How do you think you'd cope with that?
ReplyDeleteWhy punish yourself and him like this? I am sure he isn’t aware you don’t like him. Stop pretending.
Do not marry him. Some of you want the Mrs tittle at all cost, not considering it’s effects on you both. This is how some of you cheat on your husbands, you say stuff to paint him bad to justify your cheating ways.
If his calls and messages make you feel terrible, how would you allow him touch, kiss you and all of that?
Since you have no emotions for him, let him go.
Poster I can relate..when I met my hubby,I don't have any feelings for him,infact his sight irritated me.but he kept on coming,he wasn't discouraged.eventually I got tired and agreed to marry him.the love is developing small small.when I look left,right and center and no other guy love go grow by force.
DeleteLol!! @7:20.. E go grow by force.
Delete. I really get you poster.. do not give up dear...
Chronicle have landed!
ReplyDeletePoster, what exactly is it about him you don't like? Is it something you can work on or around? Does it have to do with his looks? Does he have body/mouth odour? If it's none of these, I'd suggest you open up a bit and get to know him for who he truly is. Maybe, just maybe you'd begin to change your perception about him.
DeleteAll the best!
P.S; Don't you think you worry too much?...
He sounds like someone who grew up with amadioha
DeleteWhich one be Amadioha inside..God!!, una get mouth hahahhahaha
DeleteI feel you jare...guys I also meet now are guys my family wont approve of as I'm their only daughter(tribe/religion) so I don't bother dating any.
ReplyDeleteI know you will say follow your heart,but my heart is with them;making them happy is what will make me happy.
It really is getting depressing...
Will join you in reading comments.
Nkay, even within your religion your family would still select the tribe you're to marry from? Really? It really beats me why some of us give "OTHERS" such rights over us concerning such sensitive issues.
DeleteI bet if it were a Governor's son from a tribe they don't approve of, they'd accept wholeheartedly...
My dear, I use to think marriage to an igbo was the key till I left a good Edo guy I was attracted to and married an igbo violent man. U need to be open minded cos even the igbo mans mentality about marriage is screwed
DeleteI used to be like you, until I woke one day, and realised that My family will not live with the consequences of my decisions. I will. I had sacrificed my happiness and let men go because they were of a different tribe. So I was going to let another good man go, because my parents were what?custodians of tribal heritage? I was deeply unhappy because I had to make My parents happy? They are going to leave this world some day having lived their lives and I was going to sacrifice myself. So I made a choice. I followed my heart and its the best decision, I ever made. My other half is not from my tribe, but HE IS A GOOD MaN. Oh my parents had no option. They learnt to live with it. So dear, do not become a sacrificial lamb for anything Or anyone! E hugs
DeleteBe patient. You will meet the person. Seek first the kingdom of God...and these things will be added to you. I had my share of pressure especially from my mom but regular fasting and God's Word helped me to rebuff them. As long as your legs remain closed, no heartbreak😌
ReplyDeleteNow to my ajuju n'ese okwu😜😜
If this dude is loaded or lives abroad, you go write us chronicles? 😘
He lives abroad. I'm not a gold digger
DeleteSometimes, keep an open mind. You can only know someone, if you take time and effort to truly know them. Without effort, nothing comes off it. Maybe you want love at first sight or something, but it does not always happen that way. Also go with the flow. Stop memorizing what you are going to say to the other person. It makes everything so programmed. Best of luck.
ReplyDeleteposter never you marry a man you don't have feelings for to avoid punishing someone's son. Those people you mentioned up there that are womanisers, Muslims, divorced if you ask me i will tell you to pick among the three you have mentioned. find out why they are divorced and see if is something you are ok with them. I think you prefer matured men than younger men that could be the main reason why you are complaining. Allow yourself to fall in love before you can say yes, marriage is for a lifetime and not something you will dash in and dash out. Do not rush because others are married, take your time.
ReplyDeleteWait till you find love, it doesn’t matter your age or what parents or people say. Marriage is a lifetime thing, don’t rush yourself. The feeling between two is supposed to be mutual. Already the guy irritates you, how then can he touch you when you are married? Cos then will be legitimate pounding in ANgs voice. You’re not in a happy relationship so leave it poster. Hold on, pray to God and just let your mind free, You will then find whom you’re looking for when and where you least expect it. I’m a living testimony of find love where one least expects and at a time my mind wasn’t even into it.
ReplyDeleteI confuse as you put Muslims and divorcees in the same category as drunkards and womanisers.
ReplyDeleteThem no be people?
If you do not love the person, then don't marry them! This is a "no-brainer". Not everybody would and should get married. You can adopt a child but you adopting should not be contingent on not getting a man. Adoption is not the last resort. It is not for hopeless singles please. But yeah, don't go further if you are not interested. You can either wait and hope or make up your mind to be without any partner.
ReplyDeleteAunty,,,keep calm and dont be depressed, make sure you have feelings for anyone you decide to go into that union with.
ReplyDeletehappiness is the key,let God work it out but few questions
do you love yourself
are you too choosy
are u the dictionary wife type,,
My sister married a man she didn't love initially but now she's enjoying her marriage and loving the man because there's money. In every marriage, the only prerequisite is agape love and money to sustain the family. If you love him as a human being, you'll surely develop feelings in marriage unless he's broke or a wicked man.
ReplyDeleteSo if he's broke, love don disappear, abi?
DeleteFirst, go through your 'reasonable' check list.
ReplyDeleteDon't compromise or forgo any quality/character you CANNOT STAND in a person/man.
If you do, you will REGRET IT.
Attraction is very important. If it's not there, you cannot pull it out of a hat.
If you can't imagine him kissing you, stop that 'break-dance' right now!
Personal experience, a guy I wasn't attracted to pressurized me so much to
marry him for 1 year and 4 months. No attraction plus his insecurities and one character flaw (dishonesty/lying) I could not stand in any human being.
I broke off the engagement with a tearful apology to God that I realised that at 33 I was still too young to be so unhappy. For some years, he kept coming back to beg, sometimes with his family but I couldn't.
All the material comfort and connections were there but I was not raised to put faith in uncertain riches or man. I had more than enough from my family plus a very good job.
Wealth has never influenced us in my family.
So, poster wait on God for the right man for you.
ReplyDeleteit may be you are too picky and the kind of man you desire does NOT desire you. before you say some kind of guy is your spec, you must ensure that you are his spec too! Befriend him if he is single and get to know his celebrity crush for example or girls he has dated in the past. do you fit the bill or are you slightly heavier than them or less worried bout your looks than they were?? look at your dressing, sense of fashion, manners and your WEIGHT! Seems shallow to women but is very important to men since they are visual shallow creatures who look at the surface before getting to know a lady. nothing like if he loves you for who you are he will stay. women who like this find out the hard way that men who don't see you as dream woman will stay to use the woman for money, sex, etc until they are financially capable of getting the girl of their spec.
before a guy is even interested in falling for you he must have seen what he likes in your appearance. That is a bitter annoying truth I have learned about men. Thus, I am working on reducing my weight because I like guys that Look like Mike from BBN whereas I look nothing like his wife Perri. Additionally do you act like a feminine high value woman or are you too desperate or needy when it comes to relationships?
Do you act like one of the guys (which makes u friend zoned or not taken seriously), talking about sex brazenly, swearing, competing with men's wallets and careers to see who is better? How do you talk to men? Do you talk like a princess that is the PRIZE or do you treat him like the prize and get taken for granted? choosing a guy to marry is not child's play. You need to read up more, become self conscious of the kind of man u want to attract, and take an honest look in the mirror to see if you look n act like the kind of girl that he would attract
how did you ennd up in 2 relationships where you had no chemistry with them. were u anxious to just be with someone? tbh, if you don't find the men a bit attractive either personality, book sense, intelligence or money wise or humor you may have a tough time staying in that marriage. to me it seems like the guys you mentioned don't have anything that attracts you? not even personality then there is no point. with a charismatic personality, a lady can overlook a man's looks but without even anything there then cheating may occur. I suggest staying single a while work on yourself and use single time wisely
I read your comment and honestly laughed. You think you can get a man by figuring out his spec from his celebrity crushes or girls he has dated before and working on your body to fit his spec? I laugh in Swahili. Why didn't he marry the girls before? What happens if after marriage and childbirth, you're unable to continue maintaining the body spec he likes? Using Mike and Perri as example, is it every man with Mike's body spec that married someone like Perri? A colleague of mine whose body is similar to Mike's just married a chubby babe. Yes, it dey happen wella!
DeleteI have seen handsome well fit financially stable men who married the exact opposite of what people were expecting and are truly happy in their marriages. Their wives look nothing like their celebrity crushes or spec of their previous girlfriends.
Women, a man that loves you love you. If he likes slim girls and you're not slim, don't go and kill yourself o. There are men who love their women chubby.
Besides, there's nothing wrong with the Poster having a spec. Men do so ALL the time and are not shamed for it. It's not unusual to see an illiterate broke man desiring an educated professional woman or an ugly short man desiring a tall beautiful woman, and they are not shamed for it.
But a woman states the spec she finds desirable, lo and behold, "she's not serious", "she go old", "she don look herself" "Who want marry this kind person?".
@17:47, you're spot on. Person dey go love you, go love you. Like that. Anyone making excuses doesn't love you. And you're right, women are shamed for having a type. All men I know have a type. But that's the norms of our society.
DeleteAnon 17:47 ko le ye e. I'm looking for where I mentioned that men that look like Mike can't be attracted to fat women. Is it not his spec? Even at that such an occurrence is rare. And how do u know he is not using her for something?? Life is not sunshine and butterflies and no man loves you "just the way you are". There's always something attracting a man to a woman physically. If ur looking for some assurance that that man in your life loves you for who you are aunty you had better wake up!! And hope that the reason he is with you is not just for money and sex. You have to always ask what Is a man gaining by being with you? If u take it away from him will he still stay?? I swear a lot of women in this naija will be single if they weren't financially or sexually or foodily beneficial to a man. No man loves you for just being you. Get that into your brain. If u develop an attitude today, cuss him out refuse him sex and money, see if ur so called lover boy will be anywhere to be found. Lmao
DeleteBesides just because a man marries a fat woman doesn't mean that's his spec. It's like u don't know men are opportunistic creatures. They don't mind using a lady as a placeholder to build up themselves to be a man that can attract his own dream girl even if that means Marrying her! When they say a man divorced his wife out of nowhere and married his side chick in a month's time after making money and getting visa now u people will be acting confused. To answer your question, just because the man didn't marry his exes means Nada! Did he have enough money to afford them or attract them at that time?? If u check answer will be No. Will he reconsider dating and marrying them if he becomes financially buoyant now?? Most likely yes!! As a lady you need to Learn to ask questions that matter. It will stop women like u stuck in dreamland from getting used and dumped . The ways of the world are still very new to you I see. Hope u wake up soon because I feel sorry for you if you don't
@anon22:44, it's you I feel sorry for.
DeleteWhy torture yourself over nothing?
ReplyDeleteHian!
you people will crucify me now...but maybe poster is not attracted to the opposite sex. it could also be that poster is asexual that is, you don't like anything that has to do with sex including having a partner. these are real things just that we are ignorant or too religious to acknowledge them. Just pray and ask God to make you have feelings for someone. from my experience, prayer is the key my dear. even if you feel its wrong to ask God for it, don't be shy, just ask him and watch miracle happen.
ReplyDeleteDon't think that's the case. Poster admitted that men who she has been attracted to in the past were already married, muslims or womanisers
DeleteIf she didn't mention that, then it's wrong to assume that. I guess I'm like her and I've had a friend ask if I'm gay but I'm not. People in our personality group have high standards and don't tolerate BS lol. For instance, the friend that asked me that question..All what she does to keep her boyfriend now hubby, I can't do it oh. Spending on him, spending on his parents, trying so hard to please him etc. It was a long distance relationship for 4yrs and she was the only one visiting, spending. The guy never visited once though he has a job and she is a student. They're married now but then...
DeleteAttraction and friendship are very important in marriage. When all else fails, it is friendship that will pull you through. Relax, your spec will come. Don't sweat it. Cheers.
ReplyDeleteDarling, it's only natural to feel the way you are feeling, I get that. You know the scariest part? You know how lonely and depressed you feel right now? Multiple that by 10( and that's being modest, it probably should be a lot more) that's how miserable you will feel if you marry the wrong guy. It's easier when a man marries the wrong woman than when a woman marries the wrong man. Society is more forgiving when men engage in "extracurricular activities", not so for women.
ReplyDeleteThe reason some marriages last is because the men gets to blow off steam on the bosom of their mistresses, while women are expected to "thug it out" in a loveless marriage and keep up appearances. Sweetheart, I don't know about you but I can't imagine being married to a man I don't love. It will be 18 amazing years I said "I do" to the angel of my heart and I still get excited when I close from work because I know whose arms are wide open, eager and waiting to receive me. When you are blessed and lucky enough to marry the right one, it really doesn't matter who loves whom more. Both hearts give and receive love, you guys will be too busy loving up on each other to start evaluating who loves more.
Honey, if your shoes are painfully uncomfortable, perhaps they're the wrong size, no? It makes zero sense to force them to fit when you can easily wait till you get your size. Don't force yourself to feel what isn't coming naturally. If the attraction isn't there, it isn't there. How can you marry someone whom you have zero attraction to nor affection for? It's way too risky to get married and hope you will grow to love your partner. True, it worked out for some but the stakes are too high to take such a gamble. Most women who write in, wanting to leave their marriages so badly, it's because the love or attraction is gone or never existed in the first place.
Every marriage has its peculiar dynamics but as a woman still in love, I can't imagine being in a loveless marriage. True, love is not enough on its own but it is one of the indispensable ingredients for a happy marriage, in my considered view. Honey, please don't give up on love and don't settle for less. That you are lonely right now is not enough for you to hookup just with the wrong man. It isn't fair on him either, as every woman, so every man deserves a lady who truly loves him. Be patient, don't marry the man meant for someone else because of the "tick tock" of the infamous biological clock.
e-hugs and kisses.
Thank you :)
Deletee-hugs and kisses to you too
I wish people will take time out to read this lovely comment of yours Ronalda.
DeleteBeing in a loveless marriage out of fear should never be considered. Be a bit patient, be cheerful, put yourself out there and remember, pray to God for direction.
Ivannah
Loneliness in marriage is worse than that of being single o!!!! una no go hear!
ReplyDeletePlease don't marry someone you don't like or feel attracted to. Not only would you be miserable, you may find that person who makes you tick and end up cheating. Don't create space of the devil.
If you can't find someone you love, at least marry someone you truly respect. The love may grow from there
Exactly. Someone you love, or someone you like and respect. Both will work. Someone you no send or who you're annoyed when he calls, naah please.
DeleteYou know, that’s how I think of it. What if I marry someone I don’t love and then while in marriage I meet the one I love (because I know he’ll surely come)? I know I cannot cheat, so I’ll spend my life miserable in a marriage but looking outside and thinking “if only I waited”.
DeleteThe problem with being with someone you don’t love just because he loves you is that the day he messes up, you’ll think to yourself “see this one wey I dey manage before!” And for me, that’s one of the most painful feelings ever
Follow your heart and do what makes you happy... don't jump into another relationship after a breakup... you'll never think straight...take time to discover and love yourself more that way you'll be able to understand you and sort out your wants/needs in a man...
ReplyDelete#BaeisBeulah
Watch the movie "unforgivable" by Dayo Amusa. While it does not directly address your matter in some ways, it does address your matter in other ways. Cheers.
ReplyDeletePoster,give this new guy chance na.Look,its better for the man to love you than you love him before you know it,you may start catching feelings for him.My 2 penny
ReplyDeleteI'm also in your shoes. I will be 29 this year and I'm not attracted to those who have asked me out even though there's nothing wrong with them. I've prayed about it too but no matter how hard I try I can't force the attraction. I know I will be miserable if I ever marry someone I don't love.
ReplyDeleteMarriage is not by force oh! Dont force yourself into what you are ready for. Wait and you will meet someone you have chemistry with. Stop being afraid of being single, this will make u desperate and lead u to wrong people.
ReplyDeleteI will be 28 this year. As beautiful as I am, people wonder why I’m still single. I am ready to settle down but the right guy. I prayed for a guy with self control and cleanness. First guy talking marriage to me in December tried to rape me. I forgave him , for he was drunk. This guy loves white but when we when on our first date, my guy was on white, white has turned to literal charcoal all over white paper or whatever, I told bobo to go home and change as he appeared so dirty. He laughed and said, he can stay like that for the next 3 days. I went home and cried to my God. Please I want no mad man. I still dey single dey go.
ReplyDeletelolz why is it that the guyzz you are not attracted to that stick on like glue lolz. inside life poster you are not alone. I think the secret is to know yourself. Personally I cannot date a guy I can’t see myself getting married to. Ur punishing yourself and the guy because as you said you will never ever be the best version of yourself. Trust in God and just live your life. We go Dey alright last last.
ReplyDeleteDear poster, I feel your pain. See, the guy I wanna get married to right now wasn't my type of man. I love my man tall, chocolate and sleek. He's average height, very fair but really classy. I allowed our friendship to blossom and today, I can categorically tell you that he's the best thing that has happened to me. He's so cute (I didn't even notice cos I was looking for a dark guy), calm, friendly, funny, faithful and considerate. We pray together, study together and encourage one another. See, because I gave friendship a chance, I was able to see other attributes I wanted in my man. Ours is abstinence till marriage and that has helped us develop other parts of our lives without clouding our senses. I can tell you with all conviction that he's everything I've ever wanted in a man and more. Please give friendship a chance, you might fall in love before you know it. All the best dear.
ReplyDelete