Stella Dimoko Korkus.com: Chronicle Of Blog Visitor Narrative.....

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Thursday, February 13, 2020

Chronicle Of Blog Visitor Narrative.....

It is well...............................








STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
DEPRESSED AND SUICIDAL AFTER RAPE 11 YEARS AGO


Hello Mrs. Korkus I just want to pour out my heart and the pain that I go through. I don't have friends so no one to talk to. I'm a girl who wants to live a simple and happy life but it's as though I do not deserve happiness. I have been depressed for the past 11 years but now I'm having suicidal thoughts I don't want to live anymore. I'm more sad than happy.



I lost my virginity to rape 11 years ago by armed robbers and since then my life hasn't been the same. I've been battling with asthma and anxiety issues as a result of the incident. I was diagnosed of ovarian cyst in November 2018. So health wise I am not even okay. I feel so unlucky and unworthy of happiness. I know we should let our happiness come from within but I'm always put In situations where I end up feeling worthless.



 I have never been in a happy relationship.( I'm not perfect but I Know 100 percent that I am a good woman who deserves to be loved). I feel cursed and unlucky. It got to a point that I gave up on love and getting married. But when I got a job at a superstore, I see various couples who come with beautiful families and then it started sinking in my head that women can actually tame men and make a family then why is my own case different? I get a whole lot of admirers and if I were to make money off my body, I'll be balling so well. 




I meet men who like me and compliment my personality but they don't want to stay. It's either they stop calling for no reason or they don't want to be committed. I meet someone, we get along so well but it just won't work out. I even had a relationship I was happy in but it ended because of tribal differences (he's ibo, I'm Yoruba the family wanted an ibo girl). It's either they are not ready to be serious or something must spoil the relationship, I felt it was bcos they got what they wanted (sex) so I decided no sex the same thing happened. (Not been serious). And I ask my self why don't my life attract serious men even if I'm ugly and nasty that shouldnt even be an excuse cos you can't tell me all the married women and girls in serious relationships are perfect.


 I'll be 28years this November and I'm not even excited about getting to 30 if this is how my life is going to be. I have cried to God to bless me. I have even promised not to engage in premarital s#x anymore. I don't want too much from life, I just want to feel loved and valued not just to be seen as a beautiful woman only good enough to warm a man's bed.



 My family don't live here in Nigeria so I feel so alone. I am not desperate for marriage at all even though my mum is already asking me to bring a suitor home. I just want to be loved as I should. I have already told God to bless me or take my life in my sleep if this is how my life is going to be. I don't want to be tagged that I committed suicide and bring a stain to my family's name.


 Stella, I do not have the right words to explain what I am going through emotionally but I am losing interest in living. I have been crying in my bed and my pillow has been soaked with my tears I just want to talk to someone. Thank you for this platform. I attached my picture for your eyes ONLY. I am not ugly.





Getting a man has nothing to do with being beautiful..you need to get a grip on yourself and love yourself,you cannot continue hating and blaming yourself for what happened..forgive and nurture the will to want to live......you are the only one responsible for escorting yourself back to reality from this trauma......
You want to talk to no one but yourself and God.....You need to rid yourself of the mentality that anyone but yourself can help you..Its a lot of work but you can start now...

You are alive and thats a plus....

Start with loving yourself...your negativity is affecting you and poisoning the air around you my dear.......

Good luck with self rediscovery!

45 comments:

  1. Change your mindset.
    Nothing's wrong with you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What is the link between 11years rape and being single? You have been having sex since then meaning that you have recovered from the rape. We all have battles in our lives. Read yesterday's chronicle comments for advice on how to get a man

      Delete
    2. a man is not an achievement, am a guy writing dis, try and find something that will be taking your time, either hair dressing, fashion and design, baking, etc...and try to be in the next single and mingle, but dont let your life depend on a man....go for seminar....stop putting your truth in human, but in GOD..

      Delete
  2. Poster all I can say to you is, it is well.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Poster all I can say to you is to please change your mindset. You have no problem and nothing is wrong with you.

      Delete
  3. Poster seek help from a psychiatrist, you are already having suicidal thoughts and that is a sign of Depression. You went through the trauma of getting raped 11years ago and you do need professional help and guidance in navigating.
    Seek the professional help of a psychiatrist, it ain't easy doing it alone cause if it were you and many others won't have this complain. Seek help from those who are trained in this matters ( a psychiatrist) and trust me people do get better and achieve a normal life.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Oh dear! Sending you love and light.

    There's a reason I always advice people to speak out, at least speak to someone when you have had a bad sexual experience like, rape etc. Speaking out always help at the long run, it will no longer be a burden to you after going through therapy sessions.

    You should speak to your mum if you both have a good relationship and also, you can pay your family a visit. Go spend time with them and see new things, experience new things and people.
    Visit a therapist

    Locking yourself up in your world won't help you. People were created to relate with each other, we were never created to be alone. Loneliness can cause depression. You need to make new friends, there's nothing wrong in having friends. Get closer to God and pour out your hurts and frustration to Him. He has ears and He can hear you.

    Don't be hard on yourself, God will not take your life, He will rather chose to bless you and answer your prayers.

    πŸ€—πŸ€—πŸ’–πŸ’–

    ReplyDelete
  5. Poster get up from that bed of crying. For you to be alive till now is God's business with you. All your crying what has it brought? Nothing but pains.

    Now is the time to tell crying bye bye and be happy with ypurself. God Almighty has a big plan for you. Only your physical eyes is deceiving you with what surrounds you now.

    It is well. Look up and say thank you God Almighty for what i have been through and where you will take me tor

    ReplyDelete
  6. Once I read "...women are able to TAME men..." I understood what's probably happening in your mind.
    This is sad, but can turn good and lovely.

    What my (near) rape experience did was to draw me closer to God. I began to fast more and meditate on God's Word the more and pray more. I cried on my auntie's shoulders but I creied more before God. I forgave my attacker and focused on building myself up.
    Satan (not lucifer please) wanted me to see
    a rapist in any man but he failed woefully. What I see in every man is a person that could be bad or good but I have to be careful not to put myself at risk by being alone with him.

    When the Lord brought my DH, I did not see a man, I saw in him my husband, a man whom I will give my body wholly and who will not want to rape or abuse me.

    So my dear poster, men are not tamed. They are not wild animals to be domesticated. Those armed men were felons but forgive them for your own good. Nice, you've begun talking (here and perhaps call sdk) Seek the Lord in his Word, fasting/prayers. fill your life with worship songs.
    (These days, I play worship songs in my guitar, record it in my phone and listen to it even while I drive.) No space for lewd, or noisy chants called songs.
    You will see a brand new re-born you.
    Nice too that you have decided not to allow your body abused again because fornication is an abuse and degradation of your body which is God's temple.
    You will rise above this to be an overcome.
    Hope my truthful yarns has helped you. πŸ˜˜πŸ˜˜πŸ˜˜πŸ˜˜πŸ˜˜πŸ€—πŸ€—πŸ€—πŸ€—πŸ˜˜πŸ˜˜

    ReplyDelete
  7. change the way you think and be positive about life
    everything will turn out well.
    join an organization in church and develop your social life.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't want to be too harsh but please shake out the pity party you have going on. I was raped too at 6 by one stupid neighbor like that, but God knows I don't give it a second thought. Shit happens, most Nigerian girls have been molested one way or the other. Don't carry such negativity around you. And that's not why things aren't going well for you, you just have a REALLY poor outlook on life. I also have ovarian cyst, it's not a death sentence. ALOT of women have cyst it's no biggie. Maybe you should visit the hospital to put your life in perspective. You're doing fine, you have a job and food on the table.

      Maybe your partners feel the downer vibe or maybe they're just dickheads. So feeling so bad for yourself because by all accounts you seem to be doing just fine. Love you stranger

      Delete
  8. Oh dear i feel so sorry about your situation but first of all, you need to love yourself enough to attract the kind of love you want

    A lot of us have some not so good past we are dealing with but at some point you have to let go and look on the bright side

    I pray you find healing and the kind of happiness you desire and deserve

    ♥️❤️❤️❤️πŸ€—πŸ€—πŸ€—πŸ€—πŸ€—

    ReplyDelete
  9. Find your self-worth in God.

    You said that you just want to be loved. Have you met your Prince Charming, the one who died in your place to tell you how much you are loved already, how important you are, how valuable you are.

    Jeremiah 31.3. “I have loved you, my people, with an everlasting love. With unfailing love I have drawn you to myself.

    Look away from yourself and look to God. Seek Him and let Him tell you just how much you are worth. Imagine the creator of heaven and earth, the King of kings has written your name in the palm of His hand, has said that He has good plans for you. What human love can compare to His?

    let your joy come not from men or even from within you, but from God, from the knowledge that despite what may or may not happened, you are deeply loved by Creator God and nothing, no one can pluck you from His hand. Psalm 37.4 says to Delight yourself in Him and He will give you the desires of your heart. Find happiness in God, enjoy His presence through Bible study and prayer, and He will lead you to the one who He has chosen for you.

    I am so sorry for the rape incident that happened to you. Do not let that define you. It cannot define you. You are so much more. There is more to you than yesterday.

    P. S. Have you considered speaking to a counselor or a therapist? I think that you have deep-seated issues as a result of what happened to you and that is why you feel so lonely. Sometimes talking it out helps unburden. Also try Journalling. Writing is another therapeutic.

    Sending you all my love and praying that you realize the depth of the Father's heart for you.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Dear poster.... alot of people go through same or even worst challenges than yours.......... if you don't appreciate your beautiful life more, worst might come.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Poster..it's well with u,just remember that ur happiness depends solely on u and not in any body..self love is bae, love urself, love ur life,cos d moment u start having these thoughts ur body starts to die inwardly!stop beating urself up for about d past,Jesus is d only friend u need,He cares,He loves u unconditionally..start a relationship with him today and I can assure u,He won't fail u

    As for relationship,marriage it will happen at d set time God appointed it..keep a good attitude while waiting on God to bring to manifestation all ur heart desires

    Stop crying and give thanks to ur maker cos He created u to show forth His Praise
    Sending strength and love
    All d best

    ReplyDelete
  12. Girl, you say you've been depressed for 11 years and you're wondering why men come and don't stick around. It radiates off of you and no man will intentionally jeopardize their own life and happiness by being with someone who doesn't radiate happiness or love themself.

    You have to get a grip of yourself. No one owes you happiness except yourself. Learn to love yourself. Learn to focus on the positive sides of you and make them radiate more. People who have it worse than you are not even contemplating suicide, why should you?

    You're young, you're beautiful and you have the world at your feet. Don't let an incident that happened years ago define your future. Life is beautiful...go out make friends, mingle and learn to focus on life's positive rather than negatives.

    ReplyDelete
  13. you are depressed and you need to see a psychiatrist. you need to deal with the rape issue and begin to love yourself. the only person who can give you unconditional love is Jesus Christ. being in a relationship or ultimately marriage is not a panacea for happiness. if you dont deal with the low self esteem that has developed because of the rape incident even when you marry you will not be happy.begin to actively pray and tell God to deal with the hurt. you are not too old to find love please. dont know your family dynamics but please reach out to someone. sending you hugs. you can send a mail if you want to chat

    ReplyDelete
  14. Stella said it all, you can't get what you can't give out. So start from loving yourself first and then see love locate you. God bless you my dear. I love you.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Free yourself of all the pains and trauma. Be willing to let go, it is not easy, so, talk to a therapist. You really need to heal and all negative energy will be gone from around you. All the best.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Poster, You deserve good. I wish I can be friends with you. I'm same age as you and I was sexually abused as a child but I think I have gone pass that. Even girls without rape experience are still out there looking for love so you are not the only one.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Please dont think of suicide.... These things will pass. Dont submerge yourself in your problem instead try to be yourself. Stop crying, the right person will come when u dont expect. Pray, go for deliverance too fine need be. May God be with u as u take a new step in your life.

    ReplyDelete
  18. poster you don't need to be hard on yourself, you are not the only one with terrible stories in the past. You cannot give up on life because no husband is coming, we too are not married nah. Take it easy and enjoy your life while it last, killing yourself cannot give you a man or children rather you will end up suffering when you should love yourself. I think life is all about luck not beauty.

    Do not give up because someday you will have a man of your choice.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Enter your comment...if u are reading this,let's get married.stella take note

    ReplyDelete
  20. poster you and i are going through the same phase of life but a little difference with me.

    i was raped when i was 19 years old in secondary school. I got pregnant from that rape but i was so young so i aborted that pregnancy, kept the whole story to myself without telling anyone in my family due to the fear of what they will do to me and since then i have never missed my period again not even b change. I will be 34 years old by march 2020 and you see this life has never been fair to me. I didn't come from a wealthy family so you should understand where i am coming from. i have been fighting with infection since i had that abortion because at that young age i went to wrong doctor who did wrong things and infected me with STD, i have treated and treated no way of healing, i don tie with drugs, herbs, injection, swap test and many more. I got married in 2016 to a guy i tot came for me for love but he came to me because he felt i have a good job. i have some money to dash out to people. That marriage didn't last up to a year we started having issues, we try to manage and see if things could be sorted out but we didn't sort things out and in February 2018 we both parted ways. Now i am two years out of being married, my bride price has been returned back to him and we both have moved on with our lives. 2019 may i went for fibroid surgery which thank God i came out, you think your story is worst than mine then tell me if you blended for 8 months straight without stop, no man was ready to stay with me when everyday i am wearing pampers. Before i finally gave in to take the fucking fibroid off my body and rest. After the fibroid surgery bleeding refused to stop, i went through hell before my period came back to normal, is like 8 to 9 months after that surgery i have started bleeding intervals meaning i bleed twice in every month. What can i do, should i end my life because i have been through alot nope i still believe that someday God will do t for me. I cannot type all i went through in life but i just want to encourage you never to give up as you have every reason to be grateful to God.


    Did i tell you that i have not been able to completely get ride of the infection i have, everyday i wear panty liners like 3 cos of the discharge coming out, once my balder is full i will be so wet down there, i got tire of going to the hospital and i am managing this till the day that life will give me an opportunity to have a clean down. Do not say change pant, because i have been doing that and still doing same thing. I jut wish i can fall pregnant and have a child then i will option to take out my womb and rest from unnecessary bleeding. I wish i can afford IVF i would have try it and see if i can take in, i don't even think i want to marry again but once in a while i still have feeling to have a man that will love and care for me. I am very beautiful but life have decided to treat me this way. Let me stop here as my story is too much.

    i guess some wound never get healed.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear anonymous, the Lord is your strength. I read ur piece over and over again and was sober. You are a strong lady and God will surely hear ur cry, comfort you and grant you your desired happiness. It's well.

      Delete
    2. I am sending you plenty ❤️❤️❤️❤️ and πŸ€—πŸ€—πŸ€—πŸ€—

      Very soon everything will fall in place for you

      Delete
    3. God will surely come through for you, He is the HELP of the helpless. You will rejoice exceedingly for things would fall into place. Hugs.

      Delete
    4. You need to see a good infertility gynaecologist, my dear. If you can afford it, do it asap. I hope you don't have a remnant of that foetus left in you since then or your womb was not punctured.

      See a doc asap.

      Delete
    5. Anon 16:34
      Have you tried COMBO? please also try bara cooked in pap water it is very effective for infection.

      Delete
    6. This your story broke me. I will say a prayer for you before I sleep. I pray the Lord changes your story, amen. Keep your head up.

      Delete
  21. Go into therapy. Ask that it should be tailored towards helping you regain your 'power' and sense of worth.

    A lot of damages happened when you were raped at 11, and something was taken from you.

    EFT/Matrix would help, though with the help and support of a qualified and experienced therapist. They'd walk you through the process and stand by you as you face those monsters, depending on what you want. Max Max you do 3 sessions and you'd be fine.

    ReplyDelete
  22. My dear, it's really sad you had that terrible experience 11yrs ago. May God heal your heart. You might need to see a psychiatrist OK? Forget the stigma just muster courage and see how it goes. Then you see eh!the truth is that, even marriage will not give you the happiness you seek. Your partner or children won't ONLY YOU MY DEAR CAN GET THAT HAPPINESS FROM GOD. HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE SPIRIT OF JOY??? Ask God to fill your heart with joy cause he's the custodian OK? Then make conscious effort to start blocking out suicidal thoughts, sad thoughts too!!! The more you ask God for the spirit of Joy and thank him for giving it to you the more you see your mood change. Now you can take it higher by taking yourself out every time you engage sad or suicidal thoughts, that way you will think less negative thoughts.
    Be conscious and ask God to erase the memory of the hurt of your rape experience, you might need to forgive those nitwits not because you like it but because you'd like to HEAL. Because that my dear might still be a doorway that the devil will continue to use to torment you. So each time the thought of the experience flashes in your mind, you will be like oh that's in the past!!! I have grown past that!!! My dear beautiful child of God, know this God might want you to heal first before you can take the next step, which might be marriage or something else!!! If I were you I'd join the school of holy ghost and get to know God. Thank God they didn't infect you with HIV!!! OR Veneral disease!!! Beautiful child of God don't keep dwelling in the land of sorrow , move to the land of happiness cause it exists and is in you!!! Go to the school of holy ghost and diligently and patiently follow the steps and watch your life transform!!! I wish you the best. And my dear don't commit suicide!!! God has great plans for you OK. You will one day have a good laugh at your foolishness today when you look back because I know that your future is very bright dear!!!

    ReplyDelete
  23. If I read correctly you came out of the rape incident and started dating. You only got this way when the men refused to stay. You want your own man but you can only be truly happy when you are happy on your own. Suicide can never be a solution. God forbid you take your life, people will only mourn for a few weeks, probably a few months after that, life goes on. If the story comes here, we eiyah, shake heads, some won't type rest in peace because some of us believe there is no rest for people who commit suicide and so, we are unto the next post. Girl it might not be very easy but get up from that bed and find a reason to live. People don't talk to themselves. You should always do that. When that negative thought comes, counter it aloud. Do not allow people who have lived their lives pressure you. I hope you come out of it. Take care.

    ReplyDelete
  24. I'm 36 fine slim sexy. No boyfriend! I still make myself happy. Why put yourself through this much stress? Pls live your life in Peace.

    ReplyDelete
  25. May the Lord heal your broken heart and cause His face to shine on you...Read Study and Meditate on God's word... it'll surely help you...All will be well...#BaeisBeulah

    ReplyDelete
  26. My dear, cheer up and do not feel bad. I may not have been through half of what you’ve been through but still, there’s hope for the living. Do not be suicidal, be happy with yourself. Surround yourself with positive energy. That you are unlucky with relationships doesn’t mean life is not worth living in. Time heals all wounds. You’d be all right with time. I’m single as well. But I can’t let a man be the source of my happiness. This is a phase, no matter how long it takes. It’ll pass. Keep your head up dear poster and stop feeling less of yourself. Keep being the you that you are, which is amazing. Appreciate the gift of life. Each day you wake up, is a sign that life is not done with you. Be optimistic. Hold on to whatever religion or faith you believe in. Your well being and state of mind is all that matters. If you die, people will mourn for sometime and move on with their lives. It’s no use being dead when you have your beautiful life ahead of you. There’s something I tell myself and it goes thus; “Be strong even when everything seems to be going wrong”. You’d be fine, dear.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Poster, it's well.
    Change your mindset about life.
    Forgive yourself of what happened in the past because it was never your fault.
    Love your self and express it.
    Seek God in prayers.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Babe! sweetheart, you need professional counselling.please get HELP.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Hi poster if you are reading this I want you to know that God loves you deeply. I may not know exactly what you are feeling right now but I've experienced something similar and I came out a Victor. If you want someone to talk to, kindly drop your details with Stella and I'll get in touch with you.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Dear poster,
    Please seek professional help to deal with the rape. Men/women cannot be tamed. People change because they want to.
    You have such a negative outlook that it will be difficult to believe that you don't have a negative aura. Look for the book "the secret " and learn how to attract what you want. Crying from today till next year won't bring ant change. Dust yourself, make your hair, dress up and go watch a movie. You need to stop thinking about men and I bet you that they will start flocking to you once you do. Just focus on doing the things you love and being you. If you don't love yourself, no one will.
    I'll leave the rest for Doppel. I know she will give you sound advice.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Getting married doesn't bring happiness it comes from within,u re thinking too much,the bible says d glory of the latter shall be greater than the former,y beating itself wen a second can change everything,the suitor will come,whatever u re praying for will come in due time jux relax n allow GOD do his will in ur life,kisses n know we will always pray for u

    ReplyDelete
  32. JESUS LOVES YOU
    GO ON YOUR KNESS AND SAY JESUS COME ONTO MY LIFE

    ReplyDelete
  33. You are living with a very wrong and negative mindset that has kept you in victim mode for years. Guess what? You will never be free while living in victim mode. Now you need to call off the pity party and start living purposefully. Did God who made you tell you all you are good for in this world is to be a girlfriend or a wife? Start seeking God and His plan and purpose for your life. You do this by repenting, asking the Lord Jesus to be your lord and the Holy Spirit to come into your life. Spend one hour every day for the next coming weeks studying the word of God so you can discover your identity in him. Your worth is not defined by your past or your present but by God's Word and His word says that you are beloved, redeemed, blessed and favoured in His sight. Did you know this? Do you believe it? You probably don't because your eyes are not on the word. Faith comes by hearing and faith is how we overcome this world. If you keep looking to men and the world for happiness and fulfillment, I can guarantee you that you will never fond it there. Your identity and worth, hoy and happiness is in Jesus Christ who died for you. This is God's greatest gift to you and if you don't learn to live in appreciation of it, this scripture will be true for you - Whoemever has will be given more, but to whom does not have, even what he has will be taken away from him'. This is deep. And right now, your mind is steeped in lack and emptiness. Don't you see that's why you feel more and more depressed? Please start listening to preachers' sermons on Faith Channel, TBN and Daystar on DSTV and slowly, your mind will be renewed. Don't allow the devil to keep on lying and toying with you. Shalom!

    ReplyDelete
  34. Dear poster, you're your greatest problem and the solution lies within you. Nobody will love you until you love yourself. No one will be happy with you until you are happy with yourself. Forgive yourself and let go of the past. Accept your flaws and no that someone out there is more broken than you. In the laws of attraction your self worth or self perception is what determines what you attract. You cannot please anyone. You cannot place your happiness in another's hand. Seek peace with God and seek his wisdom. It's not a man that will make you happy. Find something you have passion for and delve into it. Remove your mind from your single status and focus on your career. Build self-confidence and soon. Your person will come your way.

    ReplyDelete

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