They say communication is key,and one should invite God into it and all that. But we also know that at times you keep talking to your partner (spouse) about a particular issue over and over again, but yet no changes.... for example it could be keeping late nights, not performing marital duties(s#xually and otherwise)
For men, it could be going to Owanbe's every time or no effort to build the home for the women, etc.
Have you spoken about it, kept malice, given silent treatment, prayed about it, yet no visible changes?.
Now the questions are ....
- At what point should a third party be called In to talk to your spouse?''
- Who should the third party be, parents, elderly ones, friends, pastor of your church, bosses? Etc or counsellors..
Please,lets not go down the road of ''did you not see it before you got married'' We all know some things crop up in marriage that one did not see while dating.
Has anyone invited a third party and it worked or more damage was done. Let's discuss.
I'm waiting for comments
ReplyDeleteA friend of mine shares her marital issues with me,even the ones she has resolved already and I advise her as sincerely as I can. I do not share what she tells me with a third party,ever.
DeleteAnon, you are the third party.
DeleteBeen married for 13years now. And am yet to call a third party. Dont get me wrong,we argue keep malice. But after every every we settle. But one advice i took from my late dad,was even in quarrel share same room and same bed. Then God has always been my 3rd party. My mid night prayers intensify.
DeleteBut in the scenario above,i think a sensible adult would do.
The world is gradually becoming DIE ALONE with your problems
DeleteOnce you tell people your issues (even family) most times it even becomes worse.
It's like you never knew how long they've been in wait* hanging in for your bad story. Just one bad story to help their feeble hearts feel superior.
Gone are the days when people genuinely* cared and fought for people with honesty. Now everybody is so woke* and neck deep in competition that telling them shim* is a ticket to multiply your confusion. Plus the follow up sadness of their displays to mock your situation and trash they will spread about you.
If you feel burdened pls talk to God and send chronicles to faceless people for now!
Hopefully someday our world will get better again
I wonder why people go to friends with their marital problems when you have parents; except they are late.
DeleteThey have seen everything in life and been in marriage for decades, they also won't share your story because they want the best for you. I'm talking of responsible parents here o.
In my own case my mum will even side my husband,and apologise to him sayn she knows my mouth is sharp etc. My husband can do no wrong in her eyes. But it's all wash. Inside she will still tell me how to go about things,but she won't side with me outside. I used to be pissed till I understood.
I try not to take marital issues to friends. If it's an issue above me I may involve his dad who he respects very much.
Your mum is very wise. It is wrong for parents to take side.
DeleteLol bed and roses your mom is like my mom o. In all she will still call me aside.
DeleteLovely tactic I tell you.
Oya over to the married ones..I'm here to learn.
ReplyDelete"...and the two shall become one, they are no longer two but one" Mark 10:8
ReplyDeleteThe Scriptures has the answer to every issue of life. You Sisi are not one with your mother, father or siblings. YOu are one with your husband. Full stop. That is God's original plan for marriage.
Your dad collects bride price and you are one with husband. Once third parties (dad,mom, sugar-bitter dad, abroad dudes etc.) begin to come in, that is scatter scatter 😊😊
That does not mean that the two cannot agree to bring in somebody, but it has to be mutual agreement.
So when you run your mouth like parrot and typwriter combined and tell mama everything including how long the rod is mmmmhhh 😮😮
When I say, I have lived for more that a decade with my DH and have never had even an argument, ndi uta will shoot off arrows.😘 My mama fit dey where DH and I dey yarn English or Igbo and she won't understand shim...na so e be o. If you live according to Jesus' teachings, you'd have peace, just peace.
Omini perfect, I greet you.
Delete@14:41
DeleteSdk said we should write our experiences, I wrote mine, where is yours except the imperfect arrows you shot there eh? 😊😊
Okay, make I yarn you one thing Baba God talk for the Bible
"Be perfect even as your heavenly father is perfect..." Matthew 5:48
So what do you have to say, shoot arrows at God's Word: Does God tell you to do what he has not given you the capacity to do? 😊
You're the reacher and your husband is the settler. If Siblings quarell the how much more strangers who came together to leave as one
Delete@15:16 But the only wise God said that the two strangers have become one flesh. Do you have a problem with that?😏😏😏
DeleteHere for the comments.
ReplyDeleteThis post came at the right time.
ReplyDeleteMy sister and her husband lives with her husband last born.
The problem is the dude and his wife sleeps in the sitting room leaving the bedroom for his sister. My sister will lay down waiting for husband, the dude go come tell am say mek them leave the room.
Or could it be the matrimonial bed could be anywhere?
The stupid lastborn can't even take a cue
Sorry to say but that her sisterinlaw is daft mehn. There are some things you do not have to be told, you just act accordingly.
DeleteWhat are you saying please.🙄🙄🙄
DeleteI follow you ask, in Latin.
DeleteIf your sister and her husband are guests in her house, then his sister can sleep in the bedroom but if reverse is the case, then that sister of his ought to sleep in the living room abeg.
DeleteWhat sort of confusing narrative is this?
DeleteThe husband is a big fool abeg.
DeleteWell,while I'm against telling all and sundry your marital issues,there are indeed some wise third parties that could help save the marriage.the key is knowing the right person to share with.
ReplyDeleteOne thing i know first hand about involving third parties in your relationship is they will never forget the negative shits. Greet them good morning and their reply is "why yo eyes red, that nigga cheating on you again?".
ReplyDeleteI personally can't stand a man who feels the need to be chatty with family and friends about what's going on in our relationship. Meddling third parties did me in once..never again.
Married people where are thou.
ReplyDeleteA third party would end up looking like they are taking sides while advising;and that would be a problem between the couple later..
ReplyDeleteEven if the issue is settled;the memory won't go out of the third party's head;and it kinda alters their perception about the couple involved(even if they won't tell you this)..
The problem is most couple don't see themselves as friends or "partner in crime";rather as "Mummy Nkechi" and "Papa Emeka"..
The man marries her not because he loves her;but simply because he wants children;while the woman marries him not because she loves him but cos he is the one available at that moment and can take her out of their fathers house;settle their bills daily perhaps..
Now how can you settle issues when you are together for various selfish reasons?
The man wants to prove he is the man of the house;and the woman wants to prove without her he won't have had the children..
Everybody wants to prove a point and end up disagreeing until they become enemies in same house and the issues escalate until they both think the solution is a third party..
A third party doesn't solve anything;they have their own marital issues too but won't tell you..
Marry your friend! Marry your love! Marry that one person you look forward to see at the end of each day..
Friendship goes a long way in settling disputes among couple..
Marriage nevertheless doesn't have a manual;no one size fits all!
It worked for your parents this way;doesn't mean your partner wants you to do same thing or use same strategy..
Say No to third party;and talk as friends..
Most times act like a novice and take your partner's advice for peace sake..They would value your own advice later if theirs fail..
@MARTINS
My dear leave that matter you hear, so many factors play in this marriage thing especially in Africa OK. Thanks got married to a man I loved, we were so in love chai, but things started changing to a point that I now regret honestly. My MIL wishes to break my marriage, why because according to her I MADE HIM TOO HAPPY, so she is enforcing all diabolical powers to destroy us. You can imagine that!!! Hubby is stunned!!! Because he saw himself doing things he wasn't supposed to do to me, mil gets a lot of his earnings. But I am left to cater for the kids alone. Mil has sent me SMS directly telling me her mindset!!! She isn't happy I had kids for him self. Said he was better without children. So you can be genuinely in love but one demon will come and contaminate your love story. Meanwhile I have never quarreled with this woman before. And I do pray, fast, even do midnight join. But the truth is that God has been faithful.
DeleteNot everyone knows how to communicate effectively in marriage. there are times that after you have talked , quarreled, fought, kept malice etc and nothing seems to work, then a third party has to come in especlayy if this threatens the marriage. everyone has someone close they listen to and respect a lot, maybe that person needs to come in to the issue. there are some issues I have spoken to my husband about, quarreled and nagged but nothing seems to change. i just decided to live with it and tolerate it for peace to reign. i later discovered that he started change gradually after i gave up. personally i believe the couple should work things out on their own that is why marriage is for matured minds not babies. its not all about the romance and sex, cos sometimes you see the other person like a sibling.
ReplyDeletebut when the relationship is becoming toxic please seek for help from a qualified marriage counsellor not just anyone.
You are absolutely right! Third party/ies saved our marriage. I counted myself divorced and was packing my things till God used his uncle and my uncle.this was an issue that... nne it was messy. Thank God for using them.
DeleteNot everyone knows how to communicate effectively in marriage. there are times that after you have talked , quarreled, fought, kept malice etc and nothing seems to work, then a third party has to come in especlayy if this threatens the marriage. everyone has someone close they listen to and respect a lot, maybe that person needs to come in to the issue. there are some issues I have spoken to my husband about, quarreled and nagged but nothing seems to change. i just decided to live with it and tolerate it for peace to reign. i later discovered that he started change gradually after i gave up. personally i believe the couple should work things out on their own that is why marriage is for matured minds not babies. its not all about the romance and sex, cos sometimes you see the other person like a sibling.
ReplyDeletebut when the relationship is becoming toxic please seek for help from a qualified marriage counsellor not just anyone.
Enter your comment...came at the right time.I am presently in the middle of a conspiracy by mil,mil,Hubby's uncle's wife and sil.
ReplyDeletewhy? because I agreed to live with the parents in law in the family house.I will forever regret that decision. I should have insisted and put my foot down that hubby got an apartment before wedding instead of the one room he was staying in in which I joined him till I was 7months gone before I moved in with parents in law.
Now,I am talked to and scolded like a child,everyday panel on why I did this or that even why I don't tell them so and so person gave me money for baby
story long.
tomorrow is baby's Thanksgiving but I am so depressed and wish I can run away
You can still move, I hate it when nursing mothers are stressed or depressed.
DeleteTalk to your husband, let him understand that you are a woman and need your space.
I have a friend that tells me almost every issues with her marriage. I think she does this because she knows I can NEVER advise her wrongly. Despite this, I do let her know its never advisable to discuss marital issues with any outsider but she still tells me.
ReplyDeleteI remember when she found evidence that her husband was cheating. I told her to make sure no other ear hears about it. BTW, the husband knows she tells me everything.
Cos he always tells her afterwards that 'mo mo pe o ti lo so gbogbo fun Ore e, solo makinde'
He understands that we grew up together, from age 3 or so and they eventually became my next house neighbour back in ikorodu.
In as much as it's not advisable to involve third party but there are cases u need to speak out or die in silence. The key is knowing when to involve a third party not every issue u involve a 3rd party
ReplyDeleteWhen I got married i never knew i will be involving third parties but i noticed that a little misunderstanding with husband he will discuss with his friends or use it jokingly in front of friends to make me feel bad and he is good person because am the kind that doesn't allow people to know my secrets.It makes him to feel good and that he has gotten a revenge of whatever he felt I did to him so that people will think am a bad person.And i brought my own tactics whenever he starts talking about me in front of friends whether jokingly or not i will start defending myself immediately when he noticed that he changed immediately.Atleast now it has reduced
ReplyDeleteThird party being involved may not be good in a relationship, had a good relationship and never knew the person who introduced me to my ex was also going behind my back to paint me black,because i insulted her,okay why didnt you draw my attention immediately if you felt hurt, if i truly insulted you she couldnt answer,the thirdparty is actually married, but made sure my ex never came for my introduction which was slated for last december, i have learnt my lesson the hard way,most third parties may not be happy for your relationship,my engagement crashed before my eyes,the third party who introduced me to my ex started keeping malice with me over nothing, i have forgiven all parties, but its too painful to forget,i see the third party who is married everyday and i just pity her, she practically avoids me,i moved away from the same office we share in order to heal and move on, imagine the third party that introduced me to my ex saying women from our tribe are not good for marriage and end up divorced,never share your happiness or promotion with any third party,they may be eyeing your next level,go on your knees to your creator when you face challenges and to think this third party is a pastor wife and lawyer still gives me goosebumps till today.
ReplyDeleteI can only relate any marital issues with my my Mum or my siblings instead of ordinary ederly relatives or friends.
ReplyDeleteHmmmm third parties are bad ooo. That’s how I had issues with my husband, the guy said he doesn’t want the marriage anymore o, well I begged him with my family and we all settled, only for me to find out through his messages to his close relative insulting my family and saying all sorts about me and my family. I felt so bad. Though we have settled and our marriage is fine now.i still feel like confronting him about all he said about me and my family just cos we had issues,abi I should just ignore it and move it sef. But a part of me feels like he treated me like an enemy.
ReplyDeleteIgnore all he said but be guarded. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst. As I always say, start saving.
DeleteIt’s not a bad idea for issues where you feel a wise elder or a respected confidant can help avert danger. I’ve had to confide in FIL two years ago because I could tell my husband was about to make a very bad move with another relative in the name of “help”. It took the wise counsel of his dad who let him in on one or two secrets for him to back out. He didn’t even think of getting angry with me because he knows I rarely ever involve outsiders in our affairs. When that useless evil relative got into deep trouble recently, he thanked his father and I for opening his eyes because it would have been a huge stain on his reputation.
ReplyDeleteHowever, some weak men and women with leaking mouths go and vomit everything and I mean everything to everybody. They don’t know where to draw the line and when to talk. A friend of mine shares so much I can draw her husband’s penis from memory. She tells her marital secrets to everyone. When her husband was having issues getting it up, she basically had her church pastors and members come to pray for him. I can imagine the shame he would have felt that day.
Another time she came to me for advise about how to convince her husband to stop saving money at home. That even if it’s dollars he should find a safe place to keep it. She told me all this in the presence of my driver and I later found out she had told about three other random people I know. Is that not madness? When you advise her to be a little secretive because the walls have ears she’ll go on to say “she is the kind of person that likes to pour out her mind so she can sleep well”. What I’ve done is just to strictly steer the conversation away from personal issues and gossip about general stuff like celebs and what not because it’s just too much info.
Men and women, please keep your affairs to yourself. In situations where you absolutely need to share marital matters please tell wise elders or close trusted people who have a positive influence on your spouse. Don’t go talking to anyone and everyone because some will use it against you or give damaging advice.
God help us all.
Ivannah
My father in law once told me that he hates me because I don't report any quarrel I have with hubby to him.
ReplyDeleteTime to read comments.
ReplyDeleteI'm really grateful to God that so far,we've not had to involve a third party. If you tell people your problems, they'll eventually use it against you. So I tell it to God.
ReplyDeleteHmmmm I have always had a friend I share my martial issues with but after telling that babe things I will get home and feel worse
ReplyDeleteI'm beginning to stop telling her things because she doesn't calm but instead add more pepper
After reading comments here I think it's not right to share marital issues with friends.... Just share with your mum or siblings or no one at all
Share with Jesus and the Holy Spirit
I'm still learning and evolving!!
I had an issue with my husband today, we had an argument & he hit me hard on my hand. This is the second time he's done this. The first time he claimed he didn't beat me, told him its assault.for the first time in 7 years I talked to his close aunt about it. You can't claim to be under pressure & vent your anger on me. I broke down & wept when he hit me today, he came back apologizing, I just moved to children's room,I told him he's changed & if he's tired of this marriage, we should take a break. Generally he's a good man, we both work & earn about 400k combine which we manage, he dosent womanise keep late nights, but this new hiting attitude is becoming a norm. I needed to talk to someone today, the aunty was really disappointed at him & promised to talk to him. I have sacrificed a lot in this marriage & the only reason I married him was cos of him good character. This change I can't cope.why do it if you will feel sorry immediately?
ReplyDeleteSharing or not sharing depends on the issues and circumstances. I have been married for over 10 years and I involve someone he respects if the issue is getting out of hands. In the multitude of a good counsel, there is safety. Young couple please seek counsel if things are getting really bad.There is nothing happening in your marriage that has not happened to someone else before. Don't bottle things up and end up embarrasing each other on social media. It is not wrong to involve a third party but you must carefully choose the third party.
ReplyDelete