STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
UNSOLVED PUZZLE
I am 24 and working, I am in a relationship with someone who is 10 years older, we have been together for a year and few months. My job and pay is ok yet i still feel empty like I am not doing enough for myself i intend to quench this thirst by getting an additional qualification probably i will get the fulfillment i am looking for and I don't want to get married with this empty feeling, so I have plans of applying to a school this year (I already have a BSC) atleast to make this year count.
My partner and I intend to get married next year but I really have a lot of puzzleS to solve, he is a great guy and I really love him.
1- we are in a long distance relationship, the problem of relocating down to where he is there, he doesn't really like the timing of my present job we close late and resume early, some days we run shift. But I don't want to be a stay at home wife I will fall sick, my parents will not even agree plus this is Nigeria you don't just jump out of a job and think another will show face just like that.
1- we are in a long distance relationship, the problem of relocating down to where he is there, he doesn't really like the timing of my present job we close late and resume early, some days we run shift. But I don't want to be a stay at home wife I will fall sick, my parents will not even agree plus this is Nigeria you don't just jump out of a job and think another will show face just like that.
We are hoping I get a job where he is or I get a transfer and our company transfer can be difficult. So my suggestion was to maintain a long distance marriage pending till i get a job where he is, if a new job hasn't come before next year,this idea is not sitting well with him. What do you think I should do?
2- I am making plans based on my present situation so therefore the school I am applying for is in the town where I am working presently and I want to start the program this year, he feels i should hold on and start the program next year after i have relocated to where he is (i can choose one of the schools in the town where he is) the reason he gave was that if I finally relocate I will have to be travelling down for test and exams if I start the program now and that will be stressful for me.But I keep wondering what if I hold on till next year and there is still no new job is that how this year will waste because of uncertainty. What do you think I should do?
3- I have a sister in Ontario who is encouraging to get my PR done and she said with an higher additional qualification I will have more points, this is part of the reason why I want to get my program done early so that I can start my process.
Can someone please help me fix this puzzle that has been bothering me.
*Why are you stressing yourself like this?A long distance relationship might be successful but not a long distance marriage....Look for a job in the town where he lives
2- I am making plans based on my present situation so therefore the school I am applying for is in the town where I am working presently and I want to start the program this year, he feels i should hold on and start the program next year after i have relocated to where he is (i can choose one of the schools in the town where he is) the reason he gave was that if I finally relocate I will have to be travelling down for test and exams if I start the program now and that will be stressful for me.But I keep wondering what if I hold on till next year and there is still no new job is that how this year will waste because of uncertainty. What do you think I should do?
3- I have a sister in Ontario who is encouraging to get my PR done and she said with an higher additional qualification I will have more points, this is part of the reason why I want to get my program done early so that I can start my process.
Can someone please help me fix this puzzle that has been bothering me.
*Why are you stressing yourself like this?A long distance relationship might be successful but not a long distance marriage....Look for a job in the town where he lives
Oooh dear, I won't advise anyone for a long-distance marriage. Where ever your spouse resides, please endeavor to join him.
ReplyDeleteThis one is somehow abeg and follow your heart,lovely
DeleteYou want to go to Ontario, you want to move to his town, you want you want .... how about you do what you NEED! Put urself first ! You are the priority!
DeleteYou sound like a virgin, go and have sex to ease you tension. Girl you are too uptight
DeleteYou sound like someone I know, if you are truly the one, you forgot to add the fact that bros is not interested in travelling then if my guess is wrong and you are not the one then girl don't try a long distance marriage, you can always get a school in the town where he is
DeleteI really understand this lady. I was in a similar situation when I was her age. Firstly, relax and take it to God in prayer. Your prayer point should be clarity and direction concerning all the issues you raised.
DeleteSpeaking from experience, my natural mind would say if you can get the funding, you and your guy should write IELTS, then get your certificates assessed. Then marry the guy at the Federal registry and both of you should apply for Canada express entry as a couple. Pls don't leave your job. Na naija we dey.
The void in your heart will be filled with God and then, your own personal achievements/purpose.
Put off having children for a few years until you get your papers and travel right, and until you're settled in Canada. (in fact, if I'm being totally honest, from my own personal experience, for a while after landing in Canada, so that you can build your career well. Or at least, till when you're doing your MSC program.)
Organise your documents well, make sure you meet all the requirements and apply so that you'll be sure you'll get it. When you get to Canada, you can get better jobs and pursue your MSC.
Meanwhile, apply to the school in your location. It's only a year's program. This is just in case Canada doesn't come through, so that time wouldn't have been wasted. Carry on with your normal life while waiting for Canada (visit your hubby, go to work, go to school, etc.) If Canada doesn't come through, you'd have been better qualified for a new job in your hubby's location. Win-win, by God's grace!
All the best dear xx
Don't get married and turn into a nagging wife or wallow in regret. The same man asking you to leave your job may start complaining when you are fully dependent on him for everything. You have dreams you want to explore and you owe it to yourself to be fulfilled before you get married. You are just 24. When kids start coming and you look back, the days of enjoyment doing what you love will help dampen the stress. Enroll for your masters, apply for your PR afterwards. Any man that doesn't encourage you to be more is not worth settling down with. You already know being a house wife is not for you and I totally understand because I am like that too. If you love travelling, travel, experience different cusines, be young, and experience the world. Corona may make that difficult at the moment but don't get married until you know in your heart that you are ready.
DeleteYou are right candix, I'm getting married in a few months. My fiance and I are almost a thousand kilometers apart. I had plans before he proposed, but after the proposal, I rescheduled my plans. I also plan on applying for my masters program this year, but I will now be applying to a university in the state he resides. I also wanted quiting my job and getting a better one. These days, I see very good vacancies where I reside, but I don't apply. Once I relocate, I will search for and get a job where he resides.
DeleteThis life is all about compromises and what's most important to you. Mine is having a good companion and raising a happy family while my career comes second. To you, it might be career first. Poster, do what suits you, but always remember,marriage is not a limitation. With the right partner, you can achieve whatever you put your heart to. However, I will never advocate for a long distance marriage especially for a newly wedded couple. Research has shown that the first two years of marriage are usually tough as both couple try to adjust to their new reality as man and wife. It is therefore, very imperative that the couple stay together. In all, pray to God for wisdom and direction.
🚶 go and talk to God. I didn't see Him in all your plans.
ReplyDeleteExactly Poster you are the one tensioning yourself...Breathe, sit down, place your priority right..It will be fine..
DeleteDon eeh, lol
DeleteDON best advice and comment. 👌👍
DeleteJohn 14v26, Romans 8:26-27 1 John 2:27
The Holy Spirit helps, teaches all things and guides into all truth (for those who have received Him).
My dear, for me, Job before marriage o. Pray to God about it cos the once very loving and supportive boyfriend usually turn out to be a terror if married to a jobless wife.
ReplyDeleteNot usually. there are still many men that are okay with taking care of their wives whether jobless or working. It is good she works for self fulfilment but let it not be because her marriage may be threatened if she doesn't. so many marriages thriving on a single income.
DeleteLets be honest here,finding a good man isnt easy nwdays. Im assuming this is a good man.
DeleteLet her get married pls,career can still continue if she moves. Loads of women have made dis mistake and are regretting it. Let her start applying for transfer to his state also start looking at jobs there. You may be lucky to find one.
I speak from experience, i was in dis type of situation had a good job in Lagos,my ex wanted us to get married and i work a transfer to his side. I was hesitant,i wanted him to come to Lagos instead. We were always arguing back and forth on this issue. Till it broke us,he said i was never willing to sacrifice i wanted things my way always.
That was 7yrs ago,i was 28. Now im 35,iv met all sorts mostly gold-diggers cos im doing well. Finding a good man like my ex has been next to impossible. He was doing well enough for me to support me and caring too.
My elder sister left her career to raise kids while doing baking at home cos her hubby is a doctor. Today at 45 she went back to school cos kids are grown and is now back working as a school admin.
She is just 24yrs...24yrs!!!
DeleteThose of you shouting she ys just 24yrs and so? Is 24yrs a child? This year has already been useless by Corona so she is heading 25 already before you know it you are at the gate of 30 and still confuse. See my dear if he is a good man as you claim go for him with him u will not only accomplish MSC even PHD sef you will accomplish plus Greater achievement. Like I said IF YOU ARE SURE HE IS THE WILL ON GOD FOR YOUR LIFE. Imagine been 30 and you are done with kids, msc awaiting PHD or u'v even relocated to canada. I married my God's will at 23 and I thank God for it. Age is not a guarantee for a successful marriage neither is finance. I had nothing but my husband stood by me alot of women have money can keep a career but can't keep a home. You sound like a girl with sense take it to the lord in prayer I am sure you will be fine
DeleteA long-distance marriage is not advisable at all.
ReplyDeletePoster since you getting a transfer to his location is near impossible, did he even consider the possibility of him getting transferred to your own location? I was once engaged to a man who wanted me to make ALL the compromises without him moving an inch in the name of he is a man and I am a woman. Like say to be woman na curse.
DeleteYou are young my dear and when a woman is in love, a new mumu is born. But my dear, make sure he is also sacrificing and compromising and looking for solutions just as you are.
I have headache reading this! You are stressing yourself badly.
ReplyDeleteYou are apprehensive about your future.
Whatever you do, never you resign until you get another offer letter in your hands.
Let him come down and see you, while you also go to meet him.
Don't be a stay at home wife. You will regret it, and sooner than later, resentment will set in.
I like how ambitious you are.
ReplyDeleteEven if you get the admission this year, this year is gone academically in Nigeria. Even if covid vanishes tomorrow, universities academics are on hold cos assu is on strike.
ReplyDeleteNo matter how much your man professes to love you, always have your own stream of income as a lady be it through business, 9-5 job etc. There’s something about being financially independent. Having your own even if he gives you a million bucks each month. It’s a whole different ball game if one was fired from their job or of their own accord want to give it up due to one issue or the other but in your case it’s different. Hold onto your job while applying for a job in the town he lives. Apply for your program and start it. If you eventually find a job in the town he lives, will you be able to transfer your credits to a different school there?
ReplyDeleteDo not go into marriage with that “empty feeling” you have. You are only 24 not 154. Women tend to give and give and give and give. Sometimes, you gotta be selfish in life and make decisions that will benefit you in the long run so long as it’s legit. Is he able to move to your location instead?
Very true 3 Amigos
DeleteI agree with you @3amigos.
DeletePoster take this advice ☝️
3Amigos, I so agree with you on these "Women tend to give and give and give and give" and "You are only 24 not 154."👍
DeleteEverything you said is 💯%👌!
Poster, live FOR YOU a little.
Your fiance is 34 and has lived an extra 10 years of life more than you. He shouldggive you that 1 year or 2 for your studies. Don't hop on the marriage bandwagon feeling empty and later, closed-in.
Pray until you have peace with your decision.
Yes ooo@Amigos.We give a whole lot in the pursuit of life...What about him moving to where u are or moving totally to a different place since it's so easy to move..Don't quit your job at all..please take this advice
DeleteYou are not yet married to him yet. So please all your focus should be on yourself at this point. It is too early to start to think of compromising for someone who isn't your husband yet. Especially when it involves your future plan. Whatever you decide could mar or alter your Destiny, so be wise. After marriage, it's fine to compromise all you want but before marriage, know this, you come first. If he can get a job for you in his state only then can he advise you get a school in the state where he lives but right now he doesn't or does he? I doubt. So hold on to your job tightly with both hands while you apply to a school where you are right now So you can move ahead with your PR on time, please. The Single period is the time to be selfish all you want and give yourself the best. Don't let anyone pull you back. Yes, he is a good man, that is the more reason why I expect him to understand. The issue here is you haven't exhausted all benefits that come with singleness and you haven't achieved all the goals your singlehood affords you yet, before thinking of settling down. You are still growing. Your getting married seemed more like an obstacle at this point rather than a bonus. You have so many plans ahead of you. You already said he is a good man then there shouldn't be any problem waiting an extra year to get married, right? Do what is best for you. Stop planning your life around a man you are not yet married to. Do all that you have to do on time. You are 24 marriage can wait an extra year. Achieve all you can while you are still young. When you marry you won't be able to do most of what you want with ease like you currently can right now.
ReplyDeleteNothing more to add ☑
DeleteSabella I always look forward to your opinion..Top notch
DeleteThanks, RSQ. 🤗
DeleteThanks, Phoenix.🤗
Gbam....
Delete@Sabella... I ji ya
Sabella, the wisdom of God is at work in you.💖
DeleteYou already said it all. She just needs to wait, that emptiness is a sign of unreadiness.
DeleteGood luck poster!
💯👌
DeleteLong distance marriage is no go area. If you don't wanna relocate to his base then forget about him.
ReplyDeleteAre you sure he is the one? You guys dont seem to agree on somethings already. Ask God for guidance to be sure he is the one.
ReplyDeleteEnsure you do everything to improve yourself before marriage my sister. Get that msc or mba done if possible do tef, max out ielts and get out through EE, you're young and if he is indeed a very wise man, he would move with you over there. Nne, be wise.
Exactly..with a sister in ontario means extra 15points, max out your ielts, shorter courses like CIMA can be completed in 3months sef or less ...apply as single to garner all your points. If and when you finally marry, you can add him showing your marriage certificate.
Deletehmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
ReplyDeletestop brooding over unnecesaary issue jare
Why is long distance marriage so problematic for women n you see men not budging. Women get wahala jare...
ReplyDeleteBe intentional with your goals..long distance marriage is challenging and it's not advisable
ReplyDeleteDistance marriage kwa. Please plan to join him if you wish you marry him or still wait for a another person. You are young, I dont know where you are rushing to.
ReplyDeleteI quite empathize with you lady because I've been there.
ReplyDeleteThat "emptiness" you feel is not having Jesus in your life and
sadly though, I did not read where you mentioned him in your quest
for the things of this life.
Having Jesus and living according to his teaching is "peace indescribable"
He is the master planner and executor of seamless plans. He makes all things
beautiful in his time and has set eternity in the hearts of people Eccl. 3:11.
He works in all things for the good of they that love him Romans. 8:28
🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️
Here's an unpopular opinion; a long distance marriage is completely doable. But here's the thing; both of y'all have to be on the same page. Quick background; I'm in Medical school and we are currently in our third year of a long distance marriage. Going to Medical School had always been my dream and he made it his as well. So when the opportunity came up, it was an easy choice to make. Luckily enough, soon after my admission, he got his dream job in a small town and he took it. There and then, we both decided we would use this time to pursue our professional goals. We see each other about 1/2 a month. It has sucked, but we're looking forward to living together and starting a family next year. And, we'll both be content with where we are professionally. All this is to say; if you don't find a job in the same town as him and he comes around to the idea of a long distance marriage, it's completely doable. Goodluck!
ReplyDeleteMadam poster. You have to choose between career or marriage. Which is your main priority now. Life is a choice. I will suggest you choose marriage. But before that have a discussion with him on how you will cope financially untill you get another. Perhaps the Job is stressful. It doesn't worth the sacrifice
ReplyDeletePls poster, you have to choose. At least, not now.
DeletePls don't try long distance marriage ooo. The guy I am fucking presently is in a long distance marriage. The man has fallen in love with me and has refused to leave my toto even when the wife is around. I am quietly planning to ditch him. Biko don't try it. I repeat don't try it.
ReplyDelete😂 😂 😂
DeleteThis is usually what ends long distance relationships and marriages, on either side (male/female). You could be lucky tho.
You don't have a problem you just need understanding and clarity.
ReplyDelete1. Put in for the program where you are now
2. Start the marriage process if you wish. Give time between introduction, traditional/white wedding.
3. Request for relocation in your office and/or start looking for another job where he is.
4.By the time all these falls into place you are married, through with your program and can move over to his place.
What is important is that you are happy, doing something and adding value to yourself.
Don't rush to marry poster, so you don't rush out. You guys are not on the same page. Even if you come to an agreement be very watchful to see if he is really in agreement or just trying to calm things down to marry you. It is important because some people seem to change after marriage, but the truth is they were not paying attention before marriage. Pray ooo. Let the Lord lead you if you are a person of faith.
DeleteIt's not that easy Stella to just move and get a job. You cannot eat your cake and have it as a Nigerian woman living in Nigeria.
ReplyDeleteWhat most women like you have done is quit and move to where the man is. Then start that arduous journey into skill acquisition
and entrepreneurship. See, the moment belle enter, e go hard. Some end up more fulfilled but most do not. People will even pressure you to move. Even the people you work with. If you have a fiance with a high libido and who cannot cook + a picky eater, just be prepared to hear stories that touch the sucrutum. And be prepared to be blamed for it. Do you expect him to quit his job to follow you to Canada? How will you be able to take time off work AND school to go and see him? Do you know many miscarriages have been triggered by travelling on Nigerian roads? Abi you think that he will agree to be the one travelling down to you everytime? Will you be able to stop yourself from being jealous of your other female friends whose marriages didn't affect their careers? I wish you a happy married life, please I am not trying to be negative, just realistic. Like I said, some women end up becoming more fulfilled and if you're determined and blessed you will fall into this category.
You raised some salient points
DeleteNigerian roads are terrible.
DeleteLong distance marriage is a No No.
ReplyDeleteI pray God direct your steps.
Someone once asked me "Zozo, if you got a job in a country different from where your husband resides, will you take it?"
ReplyDeleteMy reply was "1. I wouldn't be applying for a job in a different country to start with. And 2. If I do that, it means my partner and I must have already had a plan on what to do if I get the job. But be rest assured, my husband and I are a team and as a team, we move together"
I would never advise someome to walk into a long distance marriage.
That's what I can say
I like your mindset......
DeleteLong distant marriage does work as well stella. My husband and I have been married for 4 years now. He lives in Nigeria while ai live in the UK. I do visit and he does visit. He's finally joining me permanently after the lockdown. He had a job in Nigeria, while getting ready to get his medical licence ready before joining. It's been almost four years we got married and it's worked for us.
ReplyDeleteThank you. The first few years of my marriage was long distance. It was crazy esp as I got pregnant along the line, but it worked. We are together now. It works. If you have a good, loyal man and you're a good, loyal woman, it works!
DeleteIt worked for you guys because you were all on the same page.
DeleteYes because they were on the same page
DeleteWhat is the meaning of long distance marriage again?! Oh, the type where the husband and wife live separately in different countries and they can decide to frolick around with other people.
ReplyDeleteYoung woman, face your career and leave that guy alone. You are not a considerate person, so, it will be very hard for you to compromise and make a decision that will profit both of you.
For now, do your thing and leave the "entanglement" thingy for the Smiths.
Most long distance marriage never ends well,why not ask for more time and settle yourself first.
ReplyDeleteDo not leave your job.
ReplyDeleteIf the end plan is PR,You dont need the qualification to start the process.Start now,look for school in his town.After marriage,go to school full time.Before school is over,Ontario go don click
ReplyDeleteI agree with you I was going to type this too but she doesn't look like someone who can't stay without a job.
DeleteYou didn't read where she mentioned her points and how the masters will help increase it?
DeleteThe way she mentioned the PR it appears her guy does not even know about that plan.
DeletePoster, take a deep breath, you will quench if you stress like this.
ReplyDelete1, I know job no dey, ut if you want to spend forever with him and have peace of mind...please get a job where he lives.
2. He's right as per, getting the admission where he stays(it means next year for you)I know. Or you can get the admission now and transfer to his state when you eventually move.(but I dont how naija system works when it comes to transfer of transcripts etc).
3. You don't necessarily need additional degree per se to start your process. If you actually graduated and it can be verified, you can use that. To really boost you point, you need to ace the english exam, as in 9 or more across all bands...make sense?
P.s. no vex ooo, why do people use 'an' before a consonant 'h'...
This Canada that u are even rushing to go, will not be accepting immigrants till 2022,same as America because of the virus.so focus on yourself in Nigeria for now
ReplyDeleteHow do you know if you weren't also interested? By then, she'll have her master's to make up any points she would have lost to age.
DeleteWhich canada are you referring to? The same one i just invitation lastweek to and that people i know have moved to since late June?
DeletePoster make inquiries,there are shorter courses like CIMA which you can write and use to boost your points in less than 6months. Max your ielts and youre good to go. Your sis in ontario will even be extra 15points for you. Your chances are very good now.
I will advise you start looking for job at his base while holding on to your current job. you can get married too and apply for transfer. Getting a Transfer on the basis of marriage will be easier than when you're single.
ReplyDeleteFor enrolling for program, put that on hold for now.
Are you sure he is really the one???Do t put your life on hold for anyone, pursue your education, next year is still LONG
ReplyDeleteUntil you get married focus on yourself. I was in a relationship where everything appeared it will lead to marriage. A colleague told me to process Canada I took the decision not to because I felt my relationship will affected as the guy was based in Europe. My today guy is married to someone else and I am trying to process Canada. It is more difficult as am older,the points are now higher than when I was first told. Always put yourself first till you get married
ReplyDeleteDamn 10 years difference in age is crazy. Hope he won’t be the controlling type and talking to you like his papa. At 24, what you should be worried about right now is financial stability, your career and just dating. Marriage goal will come in place once you’re well settled and you’ll even have clear mind to make better decisions. Read more on. Prefrontal cortex. Your prefrontal cortex completely develops at age 25, which helps with decision making. Then add 3 more years, that’s when you’re able to really make much better decisions. 27, 28 and up is a very good age to start settling down honestly. By then, you’ll know have a clearer mind set using your brain and not emotions. and you must have achieved more. Although emotions still clouds judgment sha. Based on your chronicle, you’re not ready for marriage. Free that man. You’ll fall in love again and this time find someone younger abeg, your friend, your best friend and life partner. It shouldn’t be this stressful getting married Ahn ahn. Good luck.
ReplyDeletePoster I don't think school will hold this year from the look of things but if it will just apply for your studies. Do not wait till you get married next year as anything could happen and the date will be shift.
ReplyDeleteI feel you can achieve both but not as perfect as you said it. The program you are applying for I don't think it will be more than two years max. Uou can copeonce you start this year but if you are unable to start this year next year is not that bad.
Poster please take it to God in prayers,then ask him for divine direction.As for distant marriage it doesn't always end well, please you are young,God will direct you rightly.
ReplyDeletePoster, chillax and talk to God..then be open to hear from God also.
ReplyDeleteWhy isnt the guy looking to get another job where you are? Who earns better? Who is in a place with more opportunities?
No matter how good a man is...please have an independent income. That's how you'd marry and end up frustrated because you can't pursue your dreams due to pregnancy and what not. It's not just money but fulfilment.
Since you're still unmarried, prioritize yourself.This canada paroles is fast moving..there are shorter exams you can write to quickly increase your points. Aim to max your points and if possible, apply as a single sef...you can add bros later when married.
Be intentional about the decisions you take.
take time off to pray and fast about what God wants for you...when you are sure of what it is then other decisions will follow. yes you love this guy but is he aware of any plans for canada after you succeed in this programe because i believe the reason you want the additional qualification is to relocate. you are just 24, while you are not too young to marry you are also not too old to start behaving like this man is the only good man in this world. yes he is a good man but does he see you where God sees you? you have dreams and aspirations that weigh heavily on your heart and if both of you are not on the same page it would cause big issues. your purpose and his have to be in unison and untill he agrees then i dont see you both going far. you are feeling empty now because you are not fulfilling purpose yet. what if you leave your job and dont get another how will you pay fees? is he ready to pay fees for your school? if you resign to where he is who will you live with, him or a relative or you rent a place? plenty questions because my dear marriage is not to be rushed because you have someone now that must not be missed. Be sure of what you think God wants you to do, let your boyfriend know the plans and if he is in Gods will he will buy in.
ReplyDelete