STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
I AM LOSING MY MIND!!!
Dear bvns, I hope this mail meet you all well because I need all the advice I can get.
I got married early last year. Did Traditional, court and church wedding back to back.
I just entered mid thirties while my husband is in his late thirties.
He was working with a financial firm but thanks to covid, he lost it in April this year. He started complaining that he doesn't have any money from the very month he was relieved of his job. Haaa!
I was confused like, you mean you haven't been saving for rainy days all the while.
Meanwhile, he was using one rough small car when we met, he disposed it and had to take a loan of 1.5M from where he works, add to what he has to get something bigger.
He remitted for 5months before he lost his job and he was given liberty of 6months before he can continue re-paying the loan.
He started using the car for Uber/bolt purposes immediately during the lock down pending on when he gets another job.
Things just changed drastically, Providing money for house keep and giving me small pocket money like he used to became a task. Thank God the two bedroom house we are occupying is one of the flats owned by his retired father so nothing like landlord wahala.
I on my own side came from an average family. Moved into his house with my own car and some household properties, so not a liability at all cos I work.
We kept managing from April till my husband luckily got another job offer last 2months through a friend's referral, no interview of any sort. Just send your CV, come for 3days training and resume so so date.
That's how he went for the training the morning of the first day.
In the afternoon, I got a WhatsApp message from him that he had to leave in the middle of the training because he changed his mind, reason being hes enjoying the free time he has had for some months and doesn't want to be stuck to office work targets again, that all he wants to do with his life now is suffer and gain in the future by reading/coding for some hours. Like, are you still a bachelor to take such decision..
According to him, he was getting like half a million in the job he lost with some incentives by the side while this one offered him almost 300k which is huge this covid 19period.
I kept asking how he intends paying off his remaining loan and all if he rejects this job. He was just saying what I dont know.
I got real mad and started whatsapping his sister and two brothers including his dad. All tried to talk sense into him to take that job than being on the road everyday riding but he was just adamant and that's how the job passed him by.
My attitude towards him just changed from that day. Like we now hardly communicate well, I always get angry whenever he talks/jokes with me, I talk to him anyhow, I don't like us making love any longer and all.
Now bolt app that people ply more here because it's cheaper than uber has permanently blocked him from riding with them probably because of bad reviews from customers, he depends only on Uber app which is as good as he's doing absolutely NOTHING!
Car will break down, he will shamelessly run to his father to collect the small small money he survives on from his tenants or ask for assistance from his two older brothers that are based abroad.
The whole thing just started irritating me because this isn't the kinda life I envisaged. I don't even know how to ask for assistance from anyone because I am a very content human.
Stress has started stepping in to the extent my mental state is beginning to be affected. What now keeps going through my mind every blessed day is, it won't be easy raising a family with such I don't care attitude of his and since baby hasn't come yet, I don't think I will want to go ahead and keep trying with him.
All I sincerely want to do now is, walk out on this marriage and rent a self con because I wouldn't want to go back to my parents house even though they are equally based here.
I have told my parents and siblings but they keep saying I should remain there that all will be well someday.
I honestly don't want to care how they or the society will feel. My happiness should be the utmost!!
Will I look like a mean person if I walk out???
*This is really sad but its not about whether you are being mean or not,your spirit is no longer in that Marriage....Maybe a trial separation will reset his brain?He appears too non challant and that is not a good environment to bring kids into.....is there money for school fees and money for food for the kids?
if you are no longer in love with him,have a talk and see what the way forward should be...I can even sense your irritation in this Narrative..
I suggest you go to your parents for a while,to clear your head...if being away from him makes you happy then you have your answer.
A married man rejected a job worth almost 300k in this present Nigeria? What a very lazy being, my dear, separate for few days maybe that will reset his brain. I don't support divorce in this your case, it hasn't gotten to that
ReplyDelete*Larry was here*
Madam, all I have read here is my husband this, my husband that. You what are you doing, there is no mention here that you work. Go and look for job first, since there are no children yet. Look for job and get yourself established, if you like leave your marriage. Let me tell you what will happen, if you continue showing resentment towards him, he'll leave you and travel out.
DeleteAnonymous asking if she works, biko did we read the same chronicle?
Delete@Larry God bless you
Deletemadam give him space for sometime this matter never reach divorce.
Poster can i just say well done to you for not having a child yet. You have a good head on your shoulders. What i hate most are those, i was pregnant he had no job, 2nd baby, he slapped me, third pregnancy he cheated...that could have been you. Please continue to avoid pregnancy for now.
DeleteI dont think you should leave him yet tho. Its only been since april. He is very irresponsible so make sure you amass your own wealth separately...at least you are not paying any rent.keep talking to him calmly and tell him no baby till he has a job.
@ 15.44, are you sure you do not need eye check? She said she works or you just chose not to see that bit.
DeleteThere is something going on with your hubby. Maybe sit him down for a heart to heart discussion, biko not something quarrelsome. There must have been something you saw in your man before you married him. Maybe he is no longer feeling fulfilled in his occupation. Try to find out what he really wants to do and maybe you can support each other to get it done. Don't you love him anymore?
DeleteThe problem is that he got the job TOO EASILY that is why he couldn't appreciate it. Easy come, easy go.
DeleteHmmmm. He's enjoying his free time, when he would have been earning 300k. People are even looking for 50k salary to thrive on, and he has this nonchalant attitude. Bolt that he should even manage, he has f**ked that one sef. Na wa. Try sit him down, and talk to him. But do not think of having a child now o.
ReplyDeleteWhat a lazy husband!!!
DeletePoster, I feel you. I feel you so real I can't believe I raised my voice at my daughter while reading this story, which never happens.
Delete1. Please keep child bearing on the shelf for now.
2. Please did you read the tips I posted on In House News last week Wednesday and Thursday? I am SURE if you appy them will work. Infact, it is perfect for this kind of irritating, exhausting situations.
Good luck and may God light your path.
No, I didn't see the tips @Saphire. Let me go look for it now and read.🏃
DeleteVery LAAAAZY
DeleteAh ah! Aunty... because your husband refused to take another job that pays less and doesn't bring money to the table anymore, you want to walk out of the marriage. Hian. Na wa oh.
ReplyDeleteDo you know what marriage is at all? I didn't read anywhere you tried to motivate him humbly or have to heart a heart talk with him, and you want to walk out. So because you're earning and he is not, you're better off alone abi? Pls dont give women a bad name abeg.
Sit your husband down in a humble mind and low spirit and express your mind and fears to him. He is still your head. He just lacks motivation and he seems depressed. Since he is willing to drive uber, he is not lazy. Calm down madam, calm down. Take your husband to God.
Oga husband ANG welcome o..
DeleteAbubu twele
And you think she has not sat him down and talked it over with him? He lacks motivation and rejected a #300k a month job in this present day Nigeria? What motivation again does he want? Such men in their mind day dream hitting it big, time flies and he ends up in all these sport bet shops screaming how he will win millions in one fell swoop. Let the lady give him few days to separation for him to clear his head.
DeleteReverse the situation, will you advise the man to take his wife to God?
And you know she hasn't motivated him because??? Are u In their marriage. Trust me. There are men like this. First opportunity to drop their responsibility on their wife's head..and at that point the woman stops needing the man because he becomes useless in her life. U already see she said her sexual desire for him has dropped drastically. Only she taking care of house and now adding full responsibility of the finances too?? U too do u want to kill her? What's the use of being married if all your husband is doing is staying home n eating. He's not useful again na cus the woman is doing everything. N don't come here to talk about love and understanding. Those are not enough to keep a marriage. It's damn time Nigerian men stop daydreaming like babies expecting someone daughter to come and coddle you like mommy all in the name of marriage. Wake up and be men! For chrissake!
DeleteIf I talk now,they will say I hate God....mtchewwww!
DeleteShe is married to him please. She's not babysitting a toddler.
DeleteI understand how she feels.
Very annoying trying to reason with someone that refuses to listen.
My husband had to take a job that pays just about half of what he was earning before. A responsible man should be sensible.
Thank you. I didn't want to comment so I wouldn't sound insensitive.
DeleteMarriage no dey sweet all the time poster.
Anon I agree with you...I know it can be challenging and annoying but haba it’s too soon for you to take such a drastic decision now haba. Covid/lockdown/quarantine never celebrity 1 year anniversary yet oh n you want to leave? If he has started doing the coding thing Show him support for at least 6 months before making any rash decisions
Delete@Anon 15:09 did you say calm down?
DeleteWith all the poster wrote up there, it shows clearly she got married to a lazy nonchalant spoilt brat and you're asking her to take him to God? Take to God for what exactly? For rebranding?
Dude is spoilt and if her spirit is done in that marriage she can leave.
Dear poster, if you're tired of the atmosphere around you, sit him down and tell him how you feel about his nonchalant attitudes, let him know with the current economic situation of this country no one can survive leaching on anybody. You come off as a person who likes to work and not be idle, let him know how you feel about the job opportunity he threw away, talk to him as calm and solemn as you can "and" give him some time to see if he will try working something out for himself.
Your hubby still probably feels and act like a single man probably cos there's no child yet ( no offense) or probably cos he was brought up getting all he needed from his dad hence the fact he still goes back to him (his dada) for money.
Try doing all these things and if your spirit is still not settling with him or he's not showing any sign of "I am a man and ready to be one" sit him down and unsign whatever you've signed with him. Marriage no be do or die, it's better to separate and be happy than looking for the happiness outside in someone else while still being married to him.
Peace be unto you ✌️
@Bambi
DeleteSo she should leave her husband, isn't that all your long grammar there? She came here to hear from people like you, the "divorce him orchestra."
Once someone loses his job, he becomes "lazy" in your books?
What about your own earnings and savings, can’t it sustain the both of you till you get another job, I don’t think you ever loved him, you just wanted to get married to a big boy banker, talking about the life you planned 🙄, that man is better off without you, you are selfish and very unsupportive, he can start another business to support his Uber on the side, you guys are meant to be a team but there is no love, do you know how depressing and tedious target driven sales jobs are? He just got a tip of the iceberg during the training and decided to leave for his sanity but you want him to take the job so he can fund your lifestyle. Leave him o biko so he can have peace of mind
DeleteHonestly poster i think your husband has big dreams of grandeur. To be honest with you coding is one of the biggest moneymakers on the planet. I kid you not, he will be making millions. If he is dedicated in his quest for knowledge and programming then pls support him. You can be on child planning and give it 3years at least (marriage is hardwork and i need you to try) i need you to support, motivate and pray with him. I don't believe you will regret it if he is hardworking, if after 3years no show then a mild separation for a little space and air. Don't forget to pray and let God guide you. Best of luck
DeleteAnon 18:10, you said it all!
DeletePoster. I hope its not too late. Your husband is like mine. Not lazy but very focused on what he wants. Just like you Covid affected his monthly salary in April till date. Someone earning 750k minus benefits. I got him a job with a family. 500k a month. He did not accept. I was livid, mad and frustrated. I mean I have kids. Well he made me understand that he did not want to deviate from his career path. About 1 month after he got another job. Still less than what he earned for like 4 years. Not much benefit. Guess what. He took it. Why? Its within his career path. Although he had his reservations cause it will affect his negotiation in another job in future but he took it ONLY because it falls within his career path.
DeleteSo you see just like you. Sex became disgusting in my home. I pushed him to want to do anything just to put money in the running of the household. I lost myself while frustrating a young man. Thankfully my family and his have been extremely supportive. Him too did trainings for organisations and was bringing home some money though it was quiet insignificant compared to our lifestyle. We had to stop a few things. You are lucky. I have 3 kids. In luxury schools on the Island. My salary was never enough and I work with one of the best companies in Nigeria.
That said. Answer this questions. If your answers are all yes. Please calm down. Just put off child bearing for now till you guys get back on track financially.
1. Does he actively look for jobs in his field or his interests
2. His he networking with the right set of people
3. He his thinking of alternative ways of making income aside uber and had he begun
4. I hope he does not ask you for money and he I also hope he his not interested in what you earn
5. Does his family help you with little finance no matter how little knowing fully well you have yourself but feel compelled to help
6. His coding his he taking it seriously and using same knowledge to plan a better future
Also poster my husband is an IT engineer. This guys know what they want and hardly settle for less.
Dont forget what I said. Put off child bearing for now.
Good luck.
@ 21:33.so he can’t ask her for money when he’s been footing the bills all along?!?!? How the hell do you guys handle marriage for Goodness sake. Where is the unity?? You want to chop his money but you don’t want him to ask for money in time of need. Even though you know he’s actively looking for a job and not a lazy man! Selfish bunch!
DeleteNawa oh... some men shaaaa...my sister do what your heart tells u..but in all remember is for better for worse
ReplyDeleteI could really sense her irritation too 😅😅. Naija is not an easy place for love to thrive at all.
ReplyDeletePls poster gv him a little more time. I dont like a controlling partner.. have u tried to see things from his own perspective???
Marriage and love is all about compromise you know.
I'd say loosen up, show him u still care, show interest in what his new ideas are and see if indeed theres any hope there. So u dont end up like that acrimony lady. Lol. Bon chance!
In my case That’s what everyone told me give him time. It’s been 8 years and they are still telling me to give him time. I guess I should give him till the end of time abi??
DeleteNo matter his perspective, it's selfish for him to reject a job that pays that high in this tough economy where people even settle for lesser pay. He didn't even discuss with his partner first, very unfair. If he didn't consider her why should she consider him?
DeleteNawa o,what kind of irresponsible behaviour is this,u were offered a job of 300k in dis covid era and u rejected it. He cld have managed it afterall no child yet and u dont pay rent. He seems like a last born they have spoilt.
ReplyDeleteI dont advise u leave the marriage just yet. Give him time to redeem himself, dis yr has been hard for all. In.all u do pls DO NOT GET PREGNANT...u will be more irritated when u start fending for ur child alone. So let him know nothn like kids till he has a stable job.
Take a break smwhere as Stella suggested; someone really needs to talk sense into dat man of urs. When its not witchcraft. Why cant he be doing d 300k job and hire a driver to be using his car for the uber. Nawa o
U don’t know Nigerian men. My husband did big boy. He had a job of 800k and left it to start on his own. That was almost 10 years ago. Meanwhile nothing worked out. Now they will offer him 600k jobs he will be doing big boy. Nigerian men are too proud and have over inflated egos. Me I threw him out o. I cannot be hustling to take care of 3 children plus one irresponsible man. And I’m earning 400k. Imagine
DeleteChaiii anon16.17 when nwdays d trend is dis useless motivational speakers dat tell men u cant be a billionaire working for someone. You see all dese men now leaving good paying jobs and say dey want to be on dere own. A friends hubby was workn in d bank dis guy resigned dat he wAnts to start clothin line and d thing didnt pick up till date. Shes left with handling d home alone while still hoping his biz will pick up and its causing a huge strain on dem.
DeleteDont know who gave dis young men advise dat to make it u must be an enterpreneur.
I was just miffed reading through her story. He had a 500k salary and made nothing out of it even though they do not have kids yet and weren't paying house rent. He couldn't save a dime. What does he do with his salary? Don't they talk about finances and make monetary budgets and plans towards savings? How was he able to spend his money without her realizing on time.
DeleteIf he wanted to learn how to code why didn't he look for ways to manage his time and multitask? Now he is not doing either of the two. Being in the same space with someone without a clear-cut plan can be draining How can he let a job of 300k to pass him by? He does not want to work.
The issues I noticed as regards her husband is, he is a spendthrift, lacks initiative and blatantly unserious.
Please just avoid him for a little while to shake things up and get him up and running.
The funny thing is, he still really wants me to get pregnant in this state.🤷
DeletePoster pls try and have a child. At least you can take care of a child on your own. Considering your age, you need to have a child ASAP.
DeleteAs for your husband, threaten him by leaving him for a while. He should get a job and still find time to do his coding and studying. After all he is not the one cleaning the house and cooking.
Poster about having a child you have to consider certain things. Can you afford to take care of one for the time being? If you are working and earning reasonably why not? Consider your age and your health. The way time flies is funny, and we women whether we like it or not have a biological clock... Not to scare you, but I think it is worth considering. About your husband it seems to me finance is the only thing irritating you. That is not your fault, but try to tone it down for now and get to the bottom of issues before you finally decide on what to do with the marriage. You are only just married and maybe for you challenges came early. Try to stick it through with prayers and understanding. If things don't change after some considerable time and you become completely irritated by him, then you can do what you will. But for now if you make him see how irritated you are, you may just isolate him away from you, where he no longer bothers to open up to you. And then things could go haywire. You didn't mention specific vices like drinking, drugging, womanising etc so I feel there is hope. Above all pray for divine intervention. Pls hang in there for now. Hugs poster 🤗🤗
DeleteNo lady. Loss of a job (and not picking up another), isn't a reason for you to quit your marriage. The mere fact that you are working and able to have food and clothing (not even paying rent), you should be content.
ReplyDeleteYes, read it in the Scriptures; "if we have food and clothing, let us be content" 1 Tim. 6:8.
Your dear husband would have learnt from what he suffers not to reject such offers anymore. So dear, work on yourself, for "a person's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires" (James1:20) Cheers.
She is content but her husband is not. He lives above their means and borrows money from all and sundry while refusing to work. They have no savings and someone like that will gamble away his family and his wife’s own savings one day. Husband is not god. Marriage is not the ticket to heaven and is not one sided job of a woman to manage
DeleteAuntie Poster, Move away for sometime.. This pandemic,he saw a job with that salary! Your overall health is important
ReplyDeleteNobody should put anyone through stress abeg as Madam Stella been talk,'This life na one way ticket, you loss your own, nobody go lap you.
Take a walk, just like that? So where went "for better for worse, in sickness and in health?"
ReplyDeleteNot 'worse' that's created by the husband.
Delete@15:49
DeleteSo then, modify the vows to "for better for worse...if not created by the husband..."😏😏😏😏
Nigerians and cars. A Nigerian will take a loan and his savings and buy a car but won't use a dime for investments. And people will be hailing him as "big man?" What a warped sense of value we have in this country.
ReplyDeleteMadam, learn from this and know that you both are "accomplices." If you discussed financial management during courtship and went ahead to invest wisely while working, you should have by now had some solid joint investments. But instead, you ran a parallel finance and encouraged him to buy a liability; yes, a car is a liability. Instead of making an investment. You have to work together henceforth. Else, if you enter into another marriage with this mentality, you might still have same problem. people lose their jobs everyday.🙄🙄🙄
Me i cant even understand why he needed to borrow 1.5m to buy car when he was earning 500k monthly and paying no rent ah ah. What was he using money for...highly irresponsible man!
DeleteAnon 15:25 I tell you my dear they believe once you have a car you are a big man.
DeleteNo investment at all .
Even in overseas people take loans to buy cars also so it's not a Nigerian thingy. Besides car is a necessity, the stress that come with moving with public transport isn't easy.
DeleteThe issue here is , he knowing that he owes a large sum should ve taken the job atleast to pay off his loan. 2ndly him not discussing the job issue with his wife before turning it down shows he doesn't want a parallel finance with his wife. It's not enough reason to divorce him but enough reason for a small seperation as the man can't n won't refuse to see what even his family members are trying to tell him. Where does he expect to get money from to repay the loan? For better for worse doesn't mean someone should deliberately input suffer into a partners life abeg.
Work together hence forth, you said? When he rejected the job without telling her, how working together hence forth going to play out? When he does his things himself by himself for himself, is she going to force him? If he wanted to work together, he would have taken the job at her suggestion that's working together, ma'am
Delete@Baltika
DeleteDid you read there that "he did not tell her" before he rejected the job...? Read again
@Anything
You do not borrow to meet a necessity that does not bring in dividends. That is a poor man's mentality.
The borrower is servant to the lender.😎😎😎
Keep it coming with the investment tips beevees. 😊
DeleteStella maybe there should be a post on investment and financial management. Many of us are weak in this area. Some of us don't even know it.
His attitude is not helping at all. Poster no vex,try to talk things with him again. If he doesn't change then Stella's advice should be your best option. Please this matter never reach to divorce your husband.
ReplyDeleteLovelace
How was he spending his salary before? I hope you are not part of the reasons that made him not to have savings?
DeleteHow stressful can the new job he rejected be?
Can he make it big with coding?
Because me I think that last thing on your mind now, assuming you really love him and see him as a friend o, the last thing should be a divorce, haaba, ko ti le to be o.
"I don't like us making love any longer and all." Chai! That is the respect you hold for him as a man slowly leaving your body. Baby girl. So sorry you're going through this.
ReplyDeleteI don't blame you honestly I know I have gone thru sth similar so I understand. A man with no ambition to be a provider is slowly going to lose the respect of his wife and kids and definitely she will stop getting wet for him because he has now switched masculine roles with his woman and not acting like a man. Men were made to withstand the harsh work deadlines more than women so God knows where his sudden change of heart is coming from. Unless maybe he was pushed into this profession by his parents and he wasnt doing something he loves. If u have patience to stay then maybe he needs to talk with a mentor about what his passion is and how he can use it to make money to support your family.
Act fast o before he starts making you the sole breadwinner because as I'm seeing this your husband he won't mind resting at home while u do all the sweating and grinding out there. Little by little he will start passing responsibility to you and one day his uber car will suddenly have fault. Lobatan that is how he will find his way out of work for uber completely. The fact that ur husband also gets bad ratings from customers so much so that he was banned from driving shows he has serious attitude problems and character problems and lacks work ethic.
How long will ur feminine body sustain you when more kids start coming in? Female bodies are not engineered to work the way men's bodies are. After a few years women start dreading work and start wanting to birth kids and stay home with them. Sadly your husband has beat you to it and seems to be taking up a feminine role In your marriage. Stress and strain show easier on a woman and before you know it you stop taking care of yourself and your husband that put you in that position will start looking at girls outside. At this rate you could be doing back breaking work well into your retirement age and looking older than your age while your husband looks fresher by the day and starts using that as an excuse to cheat
I can understand what you are passing through, despite the fact that I'm a guy, I can't stand a fellow guy without ambition and everything will seem difficult to whoever doesn't listen to advice. My 2 cents, try to talk out things with him, let him see reasons why the relationship that supposed to be peaceful and lovely now turning irritable, if that doesn't work, try to involve the 2 families before thinking of separation. Not always good to end up with someone without future plan or financial consciousness.
ReplyDeleteKai!..
ReplyDeleteMarriage without money is hell fire!..
Nne,this is spiritual husband and wife at work!...
You and your husband need to settle them ooo for a blissful marriage or two of you should go for deliverance...
You are in your thirties,cant you use him as sperm donor to birth one or two children?..
Remember menopause will soon knock on your door step!...
I hate divorce mehn...
Dont allow incubus and succubus to frustrate your life...
My dear na real hell fire ...honestly
DeleteMtcheeeww
DeleteReal hell fire!!!🤦
DeleteVery useless comment. Mtcheewws
DeleteAwww @acrimony lady! Poster, keep irritation aside, sit with him and examine his options, ideas and ambition. Don't rush out. Also look out for how u can help raise his spirit again
ReplyDeleteWho will raise her own spirit ? Men are head of the house but we’re the ones in charge of working, cleaning, birthing kids and spiritual upliftment ? Isn’t she better off alone ?
DeleteThat man of yours is very stupid I am sorry to say. Look how he burnt the bridge for you and your friend tell me how you can ask that your friend for help again and he didn’t even care or bother to discuss with you before he left the interview venue. He is obviously a spoilt child and I’m happy you don’t have kids with him yet. A temporary separation should reset his mind and also give you time to clear your head and if he doesn’t change pls move on with your life. You obviously deserve better
ReplyDeleteDo you realize that you have to hear from him before you jump into conclusions?
DeleteWhat do i know
Ignorant people are often cursed with over inflated egos and hate correction
DeleteMan wey no dey listen or is accountable na leadership failure
Arrogant
Unambitious
Ignorant
Tessy, keep quiet with your gutter language. How is her husband stupid or a spoilt child?
DeleteAll these fair weather wives . When did marriage become a bed of roses? Small challenge and you guys are preaching divorce!
Has it ever occured to you people that the husband might be thinking of growing his career in another field, not marketing?
He drives Uber from morning till night , so it's not as if he's lady.
A woman takes care of a family for just few months and the whole world must hear of it .
Every Sunday, i put an extra offering in church so God will not give me this type of ladies for a wife.
Tueeeh!
Unfortunately, you don’t understand marriage. Maybe better you leave now. You have not shown any empathy as far as understanding his perspective is concerned. He wants to go into IT, do you think that is a lost cause? I don’t think so, but you know better, you are married to him.
ReplyDeleteCovid or no covid, situations change, life turns, perhaps this was the push he needed to re-evaluate his life and check if he wants to be a salary earner for life. You haven’t said he is lazy, you didn’t say he now sits at home doing nothing. When someone you call a partner is going through a low moment, do you throw in the bucket or support his decision and together, calmly come to the best solution that works for most if not all.
I can’t tell you his proposed IT/coding will pay off, but if it does, hope you will not feel acrimonious?
In sum, I just feel both of you can handle this better, without you babysitting or over-indulging him; but if you want to leave, feel free.
A bird at hand is better than two in the bush. He can pursue his dreams part time for now.
DeleteThank you Mystic, you spoke well. 👏👏👏
DeleteBest comment here. Poster, please read this comment again and again till it's well digested
DeleteThank you Mystic that was apt. Best advice here. Poster please get to understand your husband's reason for turning down the offer and continue to motivate him.
Deleteluck never shines on those who truly wants it,dont mind a 50k job now.
ReplyDeletePoster pls calm down,dont take any decision out of annoyance.thank God you're working,just give it a little time.
You married a grown boy. That is just it. He has probably never liked the idea of working but just used it to whine his parents and trick you Into thinking he is responsible so u can marry him and take over working to keep the house together. This kind of a guy is fit for sugar mommies. Just a baby boy for life for old women to Rent his pee pee and throw him back to the streets when they are satisfied. How did this attitude of his even escape your notice. Except maybe u were giving him money, food and other things while courting and the baby boy was now like "ah at last I have found my eternal maga. I can now settle down " Lol..sis better shine ur eyes o. This man is not ready to be a husband and not a father. Like a mother would, u need to take away his privileges and put his butt in time out until he learns to be a good boy
ReplyDeleteA man's work ethic and character are 2 of the things to look for in courtship. Probably he had shown u signs of baby boyism while dating but I suppose you fell for the fine boy, okey Doke and delicious peen so u didnt have a clear mind to scrutinise him properly before marriage. I don't believe for one second that your husband stopped liking work out of nowhere.
ReplyDeletePoster I can imagine how you feel however I want you to calm down and not think about divorce as an option when things are not ''favourable''..One would have thought that your husband would have taken that 300k job and then use the BOLT job as an extra stream of income, oh well! but it has happened!
ReplyDeleteWay forward: I need you not to be angry and rude to him I get your angry and if you continue, you will become a bitter and resentful towards him and the end of the day you are hurting yourself while his ''non chalant attitude continues'' So I want you to do this exercise (1) Enter a quiet place or room and yell! Scream! Shout!!! Curse all you want (2) Take a deep breath and exhale all that you feel inside...then when look for a very good time when you are in a light mood and he himself is very happy and then you pour your hearts out! Tell him how you feel but Note! Watch your tone, body language and pls don't talk in a place of anger cause then your message arrives dead and then you are no longer communicating..Keep being you, smile, laugh with him just flow with him..Don't allow his actions/inactions get to you at all nobody should determine how you feel or your happiness ok..All the best..You will be fine..
Please🙏 poster don't give up on your your marriage just yet.you sound like someone who has lost her love for her husband,this is the time he needs your support and encouragement.Do you know people will say that you left him because he was jobless. Marriage is a work in progress but if you feel you can't cope anymore the ball is in your court.my only advice for you is PRAY N LET GOD DIRECT YOUR STEPS✌️
ReplyDeleteNever make any decision based on 'what people will say'...let them say!. Do what is best for you and yours
DeleteMadam poster, just 1 year and you're running. You're in your mid-30s so time is not on your side. Calm down, at least you're working. Have your kids. Things Will get better
ReplyDeleteSo when is the right time to separate? Accurate time keeper
DeleteWhat do you mean by time is not on youe side, you are one of those people who encourage women to stay marriages to useless men all in the name of "time is not on your side".... Also she should have kids for this same non-challant man, how can you wish such evil on her
DeleteLEP ☺️
This is why it's good to look for a man with provider mindset. But if I talk na some people will say you're not entitled to your man's money. I guess little by little women will start seeing the negatives of babying men and coddling men making it easier for them to not be the providers they were made to be. An idle man is a very dangerous to a marriage/relationships because men think about sex 24/7. Do the maths. While ur out working hard to take care of his lazy butt what do u think he is going to be occupying his time with? Probably going to give special "bolt journeys)" to some woman that he is using your hard earned money to pamper.
ReplyDeletePoster from your narrative you are tired of this marriage and your mind and body is not there anymore.
ReplyDeleteYou need a break and time to make decisions to know whether you really want to continue
Poster,I feel your pain!but e never reach to divorce.
ReplyDeleteMadam poster, your marriage is still too fresh to be thinking like this, the fact that he refused the job doesn't mean you'll talk to him badly, he is still your head whether you like it or not, I believe you should pray much more for him than you have ever done, go to church together, encourage him, let him be happy then you'll see the situation turn around, there is nothing God cannot do, it's too early to give up on your man.
ReplyDeleteWhat a man-child. He is not thinking about the future. He can still ride Uber as a side hustle
ReplyDeleteHmmmm,,,you mean your husband rejected 300k job in this naija for uber or bolt driving..... He needs prayers.
ReplyDeleteFather give me this kind of referrals for job... Life is not easy.
Poster, I understand your reasons for getting angry but don't take hasty decisions. He should have accepted that job and can be doing his uber driving on weekends but that's by the way.
ReplyDeleteYou need to have real discussion with him. Give him another opportunity.
I lost my job with the pandemic and God being so faithful I got another one in September that pays me 50k every month. Not much but nothing gives me joy than stepping out of my house every day while praying and hoping that things will be better.
ReplyDeletePoster your husband to reject a job of 300k because of freedom. It is well oooooo
Stella's red pen to the rescue madam. There's nothing more to add to it.
ReplyDeleteSince he was stopped by bolt. Means he must hv messed up a lot. He seems to be this kind of drivers dat would be asking customers out while driving. Especially young ladies.. my advice is u give him enough space. Even a year may not be enough.
ReplyDeleteHaba Rexxy, too quick to conclude?
DeleteJust relax, wen the debt comes knocking , maybe he wud wake up
ReplyDeleteThis is so annoying to read. I can imagine how angry you must feel right now, I mean, who rejects that kind of offer?
ReplyDeletePlease, give him some time for a brain reset. Don't divorce him.
Poster, marriage is for better for worse. You have married him, stay with him till death do you part. Develop yourself too and stop depending on him. He might have goals he wants to achieve thats why he turned down the huge offer. Most times when someone has a goal and wants to accomplish it pple think they r crazy when they turn down offers that look larger than life. Just support him with your prayers since u annot do anything g about it. The first few years of marriage are rough for some n smooth for others but surely things will always change for the better. Its as you lay your bed you lay on it. Money doesn't grow on trees so does a good marriage
ReplyDeleteShe has a job and the husband has no savings and lives off his family which you ignored because you just want to blame the woman/wife. You people’s so called Christian advice is usually just anti-women
DeleteHaving gone through the comments, I choose to take the advice of separating from him for now till God knows when.
ReplyDeleteThanks all for your input.
Do not separate except you never loved this man. Just a little challenge and boom you are off.
DeleteI am not saying you should stay put in a miserable marriage forever but it is too early. You have to work on your marriage. When you have put in all your best, efforts and prayers with no result, then you can consider separation. Try and make him see issues from your perspective, get his family involved If he is not listening. What happens when you start having kids? He needs to buckle up and understand that he is no longer a single man. A lot of people lost their jobs this covid period and have had to settle for lesser pay. There are bills to be paid so it is not about having free time, it is facing reality. He should have at least taken that job, balance out and resign later. A bird in hand they say .......
I wish you guys all the best.
madam, I’m disgusted by your husband’s attitude towards the whole work thing. But you don’t have to be so quick to separate from him. Talk to him again and see if other options can be looked into. Saddle him with more responsibilities in the house. Lets say a woman in this same situation decides to separate from her husband and goes to rent a place to stay, abeg when the man gets a job, is he to go plead with his wife to return home or what?
DeleteMadam poster separation would definitely give the devil roomto scatter your home and another woman will enjoy him when things pick back up. Stay with him and hustle your way up. Please don't let all those that attended your wedding feel they wasted thier time.
DeletePoster, if thats d advice u choose, make sure u do it in a peaceful way without drama and let him know exactly why u have to separate. Goodluck to u
DeletePoster, good of you to leave him. There are a million men out there, you will find another man sooner or later, don’t go give yourself hbp, you can also participate in the upcoming SnM, no time for radarada. I wish you all the best
Delete18:38, REALLY... Just like that.
DeletePoster the ball is in your court.
Too sad you listened to advice of frustrated women. After separating, pls don't go begging when things become rosy for him.
DeleteSo if the next man you meet is worse than this man you'll keep jumping from one man to another? Never seen a senseless 35yrs old
Poster but comments never finish nau. Obviously patience might not be your strong suit. Do you decide things so quickly? After reading some random comments you have already decided? Anyway it is your life and your choice. Wish you all the best.
DeleteYou people should keave this poster alone jare. This one eye is outside already. Maybe some guys are eyeing her outside. Leave the man God will provide him a wife that will weather the storm with him.
DeleteAnon 1:00 and shooter gyal . God may provide the man with someone that will weather storm with him but doesn't mean the man will want to stay with her forever.. men do not feel they owe loyalty to the women that suffer with them. If a man doesn't want u there is no amount of suffering and loyalty that will keep him there and if he wants you there is almost nothing that will keep him from you. Know this and know peace. While you two and the likes of you are so busy being pick me's and enabling the men In your lives out of desperation hope you are 100% sure that he will stick with YOU when the going gets tough, when you are no longer his spec and when you no longer giving him free food,sex and money. When a woman operates from a lack mindset and thinking there are only few good men out there who will want her she talks and acts desperately like the both of you. Keep suffering with men while he leaves you for one babe that doesn't know his struggle . Them no dey warn una type. Abokoku oshi. Desperados. Won't be back to read ur rubbish but u will read mine. Poster abeg if ur eye nk dey d marriage, Carry go. A better man will locate you if you believe. Don't be desperate and settle for a mans affection like shooter and the best man will find you. It will prevent you from sub par relationships. If u stay and things get worse people like shooter will be the first opening their dirty mouths to laugh at you. Misery loves company so be wise.
DeletePoster you are a very big fool and a gold digger, when you were enjoying his money, there was no chronicle, now there is no money, you want to run, you never loved your husband and you don't have the fear of God in you, at your age, you still think from your anus, you think social media marriage is marriage?, ladies like you are the type that prepare for wedding instead of the marriage itself, what happens to working things out with your husband in a loving and a peaceful way? Oh I forgot there was no love in the marriage in the first place. I really these generation that marry for the wrong reason, looking for a ready made man, what happens to struggling and growing with your husband?, please leave that man alone, he is better off than with you, fair weather wife, if you are considering leaving your husband because if lack of money, what if he was struck with an ailment, you will run 490, I'm very sure that your husband must have left a good and fearing woman to come and marry a fare weather slay chicken like you hence kama is visiting him, this your stupid comment has pissed me off, abeg swerve.
DeleteAll I see is an insecure woman. Leave him and walk out of the marriage because I don’t believe you married him for love, you want a meal ticket for life, please leave him
ReplyDeleteEVerybody is saying he’s a lazy man. Didn’t we read where she said he rides Uber morning till night? I don’t see a lazy man here, I see someone who has become fed up with 9-5 job. He wants to be his own boss, nothing is wrong with that but the wife prefers salaried husband. Why don’t you guys sit down and find a common middle ground. Resenting him won’t solve the problem, it will worsen it cos he won’t feel appreciated. Have a heart to heart talk, if there’s no common middle ground, you guys shld go you’re seperate ways.
ReplyDeleteMy Husband is a bit like this but not this bad, posters husband's offence no reach divorce IMO. If I was you, I would take a good holiday without him to clear my head.
ReplyDeleteMy only problem with the whole set up is that biologically, time is ticking for you (as per child birth) and not for him so please plan well and apply caution. May our husbands be a blessing to us all....Amen
Pls whatever you do, don't bring a child into the equation o.
ReplyDeleteI think u need to sit him down and ask him how he wants to actualise his goals since he didn’t take the job, u see, his family would say u are not a good wife if you ask for separation because of this issue,forget the fact that they are supporting you now. In as much as he didn’t do well, it’s obvious u don’t really love your husband from the tone of this story, I am not saying this because u are upset but because it’s glaring for smart people to see. Speak to him one more time nd threaten him with a separation before leaving
ReplyDeleteWhy he was let go of his job has truly not been revealed to you. The Bolt situation should give you a hint of why that happened. Coding and IT is not a bad idea. He can follow that but he needs to have money coming in and, obviously what he earns for Uber is not enough to cover those expenses.
ReplyDeleteHmmmmm, this is an important angle..........
DeleteI think it's too early in your marriage to call it quits. If he wants to do something else, show your love and support for him especially if he's working towards his dream.
ReplyDeleteMany of the successful entrepreneurs of today had to take crazy risks.
I don't think it was fair for him to make that call without your approval but what has happened has happened. Encourage him and help in whatever way you can to build his dreams. But don't forget about yourself too.
@ Poster. Please i will rather you take a break holiday on your own to clear your head. Not separation judt yet. I think this situation can be still be salvaged but you do need the break to get off your anger and resentment first
ReplyDeleteSeems like your husband is either battling depression and anxiety or is a lazy dreamer. Marriage is for better or worse. As his wife now is when you should help him the most. And help doesn't mean indulging him it could also mean tough love. I definitely think at least ensure no pregnancy. Good luck
ReplyDeletePoster have you watched Acrimony?
DeleteN500k job, no savings so he is a spendthrift? First, how long had he been on that salary. Poster said they did traditional and church wedding back to back. Were the ceremonies big and elaborate? Who funded the ceremonies?
ReplyDeleteImmediately after, he bought a bigger car on loan and was paying the loan from the salary. Poster want a saver, but didn't ask if he had savings at that time or why he took the loan instead of paying cash from savings.
Poster speculated on reason for bolt blockage. Bad reviews may come from car problems, and not bad relationship with clients.
The Jury has spoken: Separate or divorce.
But divorce is not available for 1 year's marriage. Doubtful if she can get a legal separation order on grounds stated. I was in court once and witnessed a divorce case on similar grounds thrown out. The female Judge barely refrained from calling the woman a gold digger.
If you separate, your husband may sit up and do what you want, or may sit up but let you go as a woman who came only because of the glitz and the money, or may continue to be who he is and grateful you left.
She obviously came for the glitz and money.She doesn't love her husband.I think the wedding ceremony was funded by the husband.She want rich husband with nice car that works in a bank.Madam you have a problem too,go and sort it out.
DeletePoster, don't separate or divorce him. Just RESIGN FROM YOUR OWN JOB or TAKE 2 MONTHS LEAVE OF ABSENCE and become an "entrepreneur" too. Add learning coding to it too.
ReplyDeleteThat way both of you be bringing any money to the table. LET SEE HOW YOUR HUBBY WIIL COPE OR WHAT PEOPLE WILL ADVISE HIM TO SO. 🙄🙄🤦♀️🤦♀️
Madam, stay put bcos of the rent free accommodation at least. However, it seems you never loved your husband. This is too quick. Try to love him and keep praying.
ReplyDeleteSee, life no balance. A lot of people are in worse situations so yours is not the worst. Sebi you still have a job? Use it to your advantage. Support him for a while. Some women are desperate right now to take 100% responsibility of their husbands just for the loyalty and companionship. I'm not justifying this, just saying we have different values and sources of fulfilment. What is yours?
If you leave him, I can assure you that you will never get a replacement half as good as him. Do you know how many more eligible spinters are in the pool? And where are the men? How many of them have sustainable sources of income? Nigeria is messed up and has in turn messed up our perceptions and expectations of certain life choices including marriage. Meanwhile, we're in a recession ma. Things are just about to get worse. Hold that your job well o. Don't let any "mental inbalance' cost you that your job. Be focused. Accept that life is not balanced.
The new person you will find will most likely be a 'damaged good' himself who is looking for leverage as well. He will probably marry you (that's if THEY don't SERIAL DATE you) for selfish reasons.
If he's rich and providing, he may not be as loving or have a good family. He will definitely have flaws as well. Life is not balanced.Take your 60% and work at improving it close enough to your taste and standard. There's no factory fitted husband or wife anywhere.
Endure for a little bit at least. It takes two people with a success mindset to make marriage work.
Marriage is for better or worse.
Don't hold off on having a kid. Adjust your lifestyles to your current means of livelihood. I personally stay away from anything or anybody that gives me unnecessary pressure. I just dey dey my lane. No pressure. At the end of the day, none of us will live this world alive. I'm not driven by unhealthy and unnecessary competition to outdo others or live my life on their terms. I came to this world alone. What matters most is my happiness ( which will not always be guaranteed but WE MOVE regardless) and contentment.
Take my advise only be if DV is not involved. Although, sometimes DV itself could be triggered by the woman. God help you. And me too. We all need help.
Dear poster, I have one question for you.
ReplyDeleteDID YOU REALLY LOVE YOUR HUSBAND?
If yes, then his mental state on a particular job should give you concern. His peace of mind at every state should also affect yours.
He came out of an ongoing training and told you that he can't continue, why? You mentioned 'TARGET'. I believe not everyone drives joy working with target, sometimes its emotionally draining, can affects his mental state, or even your relationship with him because he might be looking for inner peace whenever the months is drawing to an end and he has not met is target.
Dont crucify him for rejecting one job and dont look at the pay of any job without taken into consideration his peace of mind. I believe he's a bit relax because kids are yet to come. Encourage him when he miss a step in life, step in as his better half and fill his absent because tomorrow it might be your turn. You guys have a long way to go, find a way to communicate your displeasure towards his actions and make sure it brings positive result. More wisdom to dear!!!
And again what you are going through now is one of the challenges marriage brings to the table. How did you plan to handle marriage challenges when you accepted his ring to journey with him on this institution?
ReplyDeleteWeren't you expecting issues like this or less to come up? Ok you only Option then was this decision you are about to take.
Come on! Covid has just reviewed how prepared you are on this journey.