There is one child (either for good or bad) that stands out in every home......
It's just so easy for such a child to excel and the parents, perhaps out of admiration and excitement can't stop singing the child's praises and pointing out where the other kids 'fail'.
There is no doubt about the effects this will have on the 'regular kids', issues of low self-esteem, sibling rivalry and in some extreme cases, hatred rears up its head to cause a rift in the family.
A classmate of mine still hates her parents till date for always comparing her to her extremely Intelligent sister and how she was tagged a dullard because she was obviously struggling in her academics. When the criticisms and pressure became unbearable, she dropped out of school to learn a skill.
Luckily for her, she got the opportunity to travel to a country where her skill was in high demand and she was able to build a successful brand.
Today, she is not in speaking terms with her parents and she's yet to forgive them for all the harsh words and the toll it took on her self confidence.
As a parent, I am very conscious not to allow this play out among my kids, and it can be such a huge task to constantly remind each one of them that they are good enough.
Today, she is not in speaking terms with her parents and she's yet to forgive them for all the harsh words and the toll it took on her self confidence.
As a parent, I am very conscious not to allow this play out among my kids, and it can be such a huge task to constantly remind each one of them that they are good enough.
Nigerian parents in the past valued educational achievements because they thought it guaranteed success. But the world has changed now. Educational success does not guarantee financial success.
ReplyDeleteI had that issue as a child, married with kids and it still goes on. Was in a Nigerian newspaper at the age of 4, achieved a lot while in Nigeria, was the only one that gained admission into Unilag, was fortunate to be the only child to travel and live abroad but not my fault. We were all given the same opportunity but I have always been a quiet and church going disciplined person but the pretence and hatred is absolutely unbelievable.
DeleteCan't even type things on here, but may God judge us all with our doings. Our parents have passed on and it's just very painful
I understand your pain but let me start by saying your sibling are really unhappy with their own place in life and not necessarily jealous of yours - you are just the yard stick society uses to make judgement about them . Looks like fate dealt you a lucky hand in life so it may not be totally accurate to try to attribute all your achievements to your own striving. Also may not be accurrate to attibute failure to lack of striving in your siblings. Something as simple as just having a sunny disposition to life or being extroverted makes a difference in life outcomes and those thigns are partly upbring but mostly brain chemistry which you have no control over. sometimes is it time and chance. It help to admit you got lucky in the cards you were dealt and be grateful and humble about it. Sometimes that is all your sibling need to hear to be at peace with thier own place in life.
DeleteHmmm..I dont even know where to start from? Mine is slight different though. Its something that has been eating me up. All I need is someone who understands alot before I can open up.
ReplyDeleteWell written Mrs Dee. Dear parents pls stop comparing your kids, it causes hatred and rivalry mong siblings
ReplyDeleteParenting is a whole course that needs to be studied in school,yet does not have a manual as to how to go about it.
ReplyDeleteDifficult and dicey.
My younger sister was my dad's favorite because of the circumstances of her birth. You dare not touch her, shout on her. She disobeyed our parents whenever she wanted to and nothing happened. It didn't affect the rest of us because we knew why my dad had that special relationship with her. We took advantage of it and got whatever we wanted. Today, she is the richest in the family, a very generous being.
DeleteI totally understand your Alexander, I am my mom's favourite, and my siblings know, if you see them yabbing me eh, lol!
DeleteNo bad blood from them at all, most times if there's anything they want, they 1stly run it with me.
Very closely knit family.
Nigerians rushing to Canada with young kids, please get ready to pray for the rest of your lives. A very high percentage of young people here are gay or bisexual. Guys sleeping with guys and females, girls sleeping with guys and girls. Canada is VERY SEXUALLY FLUID. I told a friend that Canada or the West as a whole can be likened to Sodom and Gomorrah which Lot chose because it was more pleasing to the senses meanwhile Nigeria is like Canaan where Abraham moved to. In summary, you are more likely to save your soul if you stay in Nigeria and someone who adapts to Canadian culture can ALMOST CERTAINLY kiss Heaven goodbye.
ReplyDeleteHahaha.... Nigeria is almost in the same page. It's a global village when it comes to vices like this
DeleteK
DeleteAnd you really think those things you mentioned are not in Nigeria too?? It is even worse here.But the hypocrisy in Nigeria is prevalent and people remain in the closet and practice it secretly till they die and even marry straight people who have no knowledge of their partners sexuality.Go to secondary schools and universities in this same Nigeria and see how some kids are initiated into these things by their peers.
DeleteStella, pls post my reponse to this post - the on not condeming others and how Abraham and Jewish nation and even Jesus were all immigrants at various times of thier lives
DeleteEach child is unique!
ReplyDeleteParents should definitely stop the comparism, instead pray for them to achieve their God given purpose. Prayers and good counsel
Thanks mrs Dee
ReplyDeleteParents really have to sit and prevent siblings rivalry.....everychild is unique, the same parents who mocked her when ahe was a dullard im sure couldn't habe imagined she'd one day build something for herself. All we have to do is put our children in prayer and kill every negative word or thought that comes to our mind based on what we are seeing
I do feel bad growing up if my parent do that, but now I understand them as I have mine but I try not to say it to their face as most time it said in love, so as to challenge the other child to do more
ReplyDeleteTry not to compare children with each other, especially with things that they have no power over like intelligence, beauty, eloquence etc, rather, encourage them to emulate the good attributes/characteristics that their siblings have. Always compare them with their past report card so they will know they need to constantly strive to do better.
DeleteMay God help us parents.
Well said Mrs Dee. Some parents really are insensitive, they need to tone things really down.
ReplyDeleteEvery home has this in various degrees.
Mine it wasn't just one of us who stands out, two. But my parents never insulted or called anyone names, but surely by actions you will know who & who was favorite. But all that has ended cos on the long run everything changes.
Children and parents begin to know better.
Well if you were hurt by those things its time you let it go. Abeg. If you be like that towards family what then will you do to outsiders?
Let go & be free
Thank God my parents taught us that all of us are equally loved, and if they had a favorite, we didn't even know.
ReplyDeleteApart from our last born 🤦 but we all knew it was a last born tins 🙄
So, I really try hard to do same, may God help me.
I was my dads favorite as per last born. My sister had this envy and she still has it till today. She even does envious things without realizing what she’s doing. Me personally have no self esteem issues and I am ready to stand up to what ever passive aggressive behavior. Everybody will be alright.
ReplyDeleteWhich is precisely why your father should not have shown that he has a favourite. Unfortunately, he is the cause of the rivalry. Of course, you have no self esteem issue because your esteem was built on solid foundation based on your fathers outlook towards you. Now close your eyes and put yourself in your sister shoes who has always been made to feel like she is not good enough - It really does damaging things to a child. Meet her with understading please.
DeleteI personally believe it's the way parents interpret this things that make it turn to sibling rivalry. In my case my sister was and is still the superstar. I do not hate her. Infact my love for her is not here at all. However it affected my brother deeply. Regardless my parents knew early and tried to correct it . He his getting better but it takes time. Me I love my siblings like nothing oh..
ReplyDeleteHas a mum of 2 kids am sort of drawn to my second born now. A boy. But I try not to show it. He his super intelligent, calm and handsome. Sometimes I doubt I gave birth to him sef. My daughter notices this and use my son to get whatever she wants from me.
But one thing have learnt over the years with my kids is never to compare. I don't compare them at all.