Stella Dimoko Weekend Arena - Every Lover Must Demand For The Relationship To Be Defined


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Friday, February 19, 2021

Weekend Arena - Every Lover Must Demand For The Relationship To Be Defined

If you are living with a lover with whom you have a child or children and the relationship is yet to be 'consummated' in Church or in a civil ceremony, then you need to read this....

First and foremost, I wish to make it crystal clear, that the intention here is not to disparage the personality of Helen Prest-Ajayi. A gorgeous and charming personality, I have always admired her. As a child in the primary school, I used to be attracted to her gorgeous photos in the magazines of that era-Drum, Vintage People, Prime People etc. 

The zenith of her persona for me would be the fact that she is not only a beauty queen, but also a writer and lawyer; the type the media would call a ‘combination of brain and beauty’.

In view of these, the unsavory stories emanating from the burial of her man, late Dr. Ajayi, are quite unavoidable. I am sure that within her closet, Helen would be imagining where she could have set it right from the very beginning. But like a popular Ngwa proverb, ‘the day one misses his way, marks the beginning of the thorough knowledge of that route.’ To break it down for those who don’t do African proverbs like me, it means when you happen to miss the road while travelling between Point A and Point B, someone would probably help to direct you and from then on, the direction would be engrained in your brain.

The encounters should be an eye-opener for both ladies and men. Much as the situation would remain ‘embarrassing’ for Helen, I am sure the late medical doctor would not be happy about the incidents that have dogged his household since he died, culminating in discussions that have dominated the social media space. If dead people have any feelings, he would wish he amended certain things to save everyone from this kind of scenario. Incidentally, what needed to be done initially are not complex things, just the act of calling a spade a spade and standing up to it. It is that simple, but sometimes, people are too busy or always procrastinating until it becomes very late.

The facts of the matter are so simple. Late Dr. Ajayi had a wife whom he married in 1974 but the relationship became strained after some kids. While the couple were separated and not divorced, the celebrated doctor found love in Helen, and started a family. This new relationship would last 25 years, and the new woman, Helen, had to put in so much that she was the person with the man during his last days in the hospital. Having to bear the burden of a sick spouse could be the most trying moments of any relationship, which is why marriage is easily classified as ‘for better…for worse’. 

The real test of love does not only rest on when life is flowing with all the good things; a spouse gets tested when it goes left for any reason, especially health or financial challenges. At this point, that hitherto great-looking spouse could be so sick that one would have to help him or her to pee or poo. That is when the real test of love comes. In the case of Dr. Ajayi, it was the beauty queen, who spent the last 42 days in the hospital that bore this burden. From Helen’s social media posts, after going throw those harrowing encounters for 42 days, she ended up being accused of killing the man and had to do rounds in courts to extricate herself from the allegations.

In my opinion, Helen did nothing wrong by falling in love with a man who had a family before her. The only thing she did wrong is failing to understand that in Africa or elsewhere such relationships are supposed to be backed up either by law or custom. That word, ‘consummation’, stems from the idea that certain things must be in place to make it whole. It was also a mistake for the doctor not to have acted in like manner, considering that this woman has spent the past 25 years with him. That’s a quarter of a century and some marriages never lasted that long!

Truth is that there are many Helens and Dr. Ajayis everywhere today. They are in relationships that have not been certified either by law or by the custom. Everything could be going well today but there are no guarantees that things would be the same in the next couple of years. There could be illness, death, bitter feud or even ‘total dis-interest’, where both partners simply grow tired of each other. The best is to do well and save oneself of such in case it happens. Every woman or man in a relationship deserves to know his or her place in that ship. Demand it. 

Many avoid doing so because they will not like that uncomfortable truth that will come out of it. But it is better to suffer that rejection and discomfort when things are still repairable than when they are not. Life has a buffer for every situation. It is not all marriages that would cost millions of naira to organise. So do not fall for the story that ‘it will happen when money comes’. Or it will ‘happen when you get pregnant’. Start somewhere. 

Consummate it in a small way, and when money finally comes, you can celebrate it by inviting Rihanna and Beyonce to perform for you, if you wish.


  1. Ok I'm a guy but I love this man.

    Very sound and a genius with pen

  2. Well well, lovely piece Mr.Ngozie.

    What you have written is sure the reality of what's happening in our society today.

  3. Well done Ngozi
    As usual you delivered the truth.
    When we were single and dating, we were taught to define our relationship within a certain period of dating and avoid ambiguities.

    I am really surprised that Hellenistic did not see the need to get the law behind her, since she wasn't the one that broke the marriage, also knowing the entourage behind the man.
    5 children no be beans oh, you can just wish them away.

  4. I felt pity for her today when I watched the ladies of Your View dissect her story.

  5. I would never advice anyone to be a husband snatcher but if you find yourself in a position where you are the man's second family, demand for your certificate and save it in a safe place as you might be required to produce proof of union one day. If the man refuses, as the writer put, face the uncomfortable truth of your place in his life and that is mistress/side chick, encourage him to do gift intervivos to you and your child/ren while still alive as you might not be considered in his will if he dies, especially if the union/relationship doesn't last as long as Helen Ajayi's own.


  7. Very articulated and very well said👏👏

  8. I love your writing skills Mr Ngozi. I feel sorry for Helen Prest and I've always admired her. Clearly Dr Ajayi was a selfish man. He played both women and got away with it. If Helen truly came into the picture 10 years after he left his wife, then she was no side chic. They should have legalized their union.
    I hope everything is sorted out. She seems like a peaceful woman.

  9. Helen is a lawyer. i wonder why she slept on her right. She was with a man for 25 years and did not know she had to ask the man about divorcing and marrying her under the marriage act. she fall my hand seriously. she played into the hands of the first wife or is it the law of karma that did not want her to sow where she didnt reap? in the Baptist church, polygamy is not recognised and the Pastor didnt err at law in allowing the children of the deceased to perform the dust to dust right before Helen. i am very sure that their legal battle has just began.

  10. Very nice write-up, I couldn't agree more!!! We need to be intentional with our relationships, know what we want ab initio and not get carried away with fine face, neatness(this one I am a sucker for it) and false character😭. I am enjoying this community and will be dropping my comments from time to time, thanks Stella.


  11. Well written Mr Ngozi. This consummation of marriage has done more harm in the lives of women. You see two adults living together without doing what they are supposed to do officially. Women should wise up and stop listening to cooked up stories because it affects them more.

  12. Very big mistake on her part. I really pity her right now.
    The ending part though:my boyfriend of 4years told me he needs space after I asked him to define our relationship.

    1. It's better you found out earlier

  13. Nicely written Mr. Ngozi. The deed has been done and I hope those who find their selves in similar situation either by choice or unknowingly should endeavor to do right by themselves and the law or customs as the case may be.

  14. Marriage na just for children and gbola services das all

  15. From what the children of Dr. Ajayi wrote they said that the have correspondence on where Helen tried forcing Dr Ajayi to legalize their union but he refused.

  16. These things happen all the time. I was discussing with my lawyer friend yesterday about this same issue. It abounds everywhere and he's handling so many cases of this nature.
    Please, things should be defined properly from the beginning. Always ask questions and where possible, get proof


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