Dr Freak's Journal - "Yahoo Ni Gbogbo Wa" (For We Are All Scammers)

Yesterday, for the umpteenth time I had the privilege of listening to one of Naira Marley's lyrics with the afore-quoted title/chorus, and it brought back naughty memories

"Yahoo ni Lawyer" -


1998:


My brother XYZ acquired a property in Port Harcourt and like a prudent man, he engaged the services of a lawyer friend for the purposes of conducting due diligence, preparation and perfection of title documents. XYZ is a world class negotiator who is endowed with an unparalleled bargaining skill. "He can negotiate (price) for Africa!"


His friend demanded a legal fee of 10% of the consideration which was in the region of N35,000, but he refused to pay because he considered same (to be) too high at the time. He negotiated the fee down to a reduced sum of N20,000 and he was feeling fly. The lawyer friend accepted the N20,000 fee but he informed him that he needed to "purchase seals from the Magistrate's Court," each one cost N1,000 and he needed to purchase 30! Brother gladly parted with a sum of N50,000! "Shebi" he refused to pay lawyer N30,000 fee, but he was "scammed!" Lol.


Eight years after, I discovered that 120 seals cost N120! "Lawyer na Yahoo!"


*******


"Yahoo ni Doctor" -


2005:


I was ill for a period of ten (10) months. God healed me and I came out unhurt.

 Few weeks after my recovery, I succumbed to malaria fever yet again, and I visited a popular hospital around Ogba-Ikeja, Lagos. The resident doctor referred me to the lab to run malaria and typhoid tests.

 I'm a layman as far as medicine is concerned, but with my limited knowledge of English language and Mathematics, I was able to read/interpret the reports of the tests and come to the conclusion that there were few strains of malaria parasites in my bloodstream, but "Salmonella typhi" was negligible. On getting to the consulting room, the resident doctor opened the result envelope and exclaimed that the typhoid was on the high side and that the malaria too was "acute".

 I remained unperturbed throughout. After the drama, I simply informed him that I had just recovered from a protracted illness and that I had taken over 300 tablets and capsules of antibiotics in the last few months and also, I was just coming out of another typhoid and pneumonia treatments, so there was no way I would be having typhoid at this time!

 He paused for a while and sighed.

 Oga Doc simply said "don't worry, let us treat the malaria now and treat the typhoid later." 

He scribbled medical jargons on my file jacket and referred me to the pharmacist. On getting to the pharmacist, I told him that I forgot my wallet at home and I needed to rush back home to fetch same.

That was how I bolted out and never went back to the "yahoo" doctor and hospital till date.


"Yahoo ni Doctor!"


*******


"Yahoo ni Baba Osanyin" -


1998:


Some siblings with whom my mum shared some degree of consanguinity had some trust issues amongst themselves and they all agreed to trace mum down to the village for direction. Mum offered to take them to an "Osanyin" adherent with a view to invoking the spirit of their late mother and they gladly jumped at the offer! 

On getting there, the man in question sounded a note of warning and advised the affected person to confess within three (3) days or face the consequences of his actions and he dismissed them thereafter.

They all left and agreed to come back after three (3) days. Interestingly, one of them returned few hours later and had a secret session with mum. By the time the duo emerged from the meeting, mum was beaming with a mischievous smile.

 Guess what, he had come to confide in mum. He knew the whereabouts of the money in question and he wanted mum to protect him. After much plea, mum accompanied him to Baba's house and they made Baba an offer which he could not resist.

By the time they converged there (3) days after, the tune had changed. Baba invoked the "spirit" of their late mum, the spirit responded and cleared the air. The spirit informed them that "she" spent all her money in her lifetime and admonished all of them to go and work hard and make their own money.


Two of them had their doubts/reservations, but what could they do when the spirit of the dead had spoken? They grudgingly accepted the verdict and moved on. The dude in question and my mum enjoyed a strange bond before, during and after the episode, the origin of which was only open and known to this little me. I was my mum's confidant, as such, she told me almost everything!


"Yahoo ni Baba Osanyin."


*******


"Yahoo Ni Pastor" -


2017:


I was undergoing the most turbulent moments of my life at the time and a Pastor showed up who told me my life history from the day I was born!


He attempted to introduce strange practices but I "tolerated" his excesses because I knew that he was going to display his true colour in no time. It was just a matter of time. Constant demands were made, some were met, some could not be met. In no time, he had assumed the role of telling me the days of the week to go out; and not to go out, then came the most shocking. 

He called me and decreed that I must not eat out anymore. I quickly informed him that I had never eaten outside my home since I was a child, so that, for me was not unusual but inquired if I could eat in an eatery. His response was shocking!

 He "held" that I must not eat in any eatery until he sanctioned it! I was like man of God Sir, but I live in Lagos where I leave home as early as 5.00am and return as late as 10.00pm from Mondays to Fridays and occasionally, I do have cause to eat out. 

He still maintained that I must not. I said okay, as my Pastor pleases. Then came the real thing! 

Monetary demands, etc, prophesies that were inspired by guesswork and mind games. I quickly did the needful. By their fruits, you shall know them.


"Yahoo ni Pastor!"


The list is endless. For we are all scammers. "Yahoo ni gbogbo wa!"


¹Credit to Naira Marley