Stella Dimoko Chronicles Of A Married Man..- 30


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Sunday, June 20, 2021

Chronicles Of A Married Man..- 30

When I hear people say that money can’t buy happiness; I normally ask them to define what happiness means.

I will discuss in the next weeks some of the issues that married men face. If you have been married for an upward of two years, you probably would have experienced one or more of issues like.....

Surviving unemployment, handling a case of a cheating wife, living with the in-laws from hell, married to a “snooper”, maneuvering through financial distress or wrong financial decisions, school fees wahala, managing a nagging wife and the almighty mid-life crisis.

Some of the above crisis I have witnessed and others I would rather not. But I will be sharing stories of experience of my friends and I to drive home my points. I do hope we can relate with some of them. .....

I met Obaro back in the days shortly after my service year when I was still teaching to keep body and soul together. He was a very cerebral and effervescent kind of person; my type. We naturally bonded and did things together. And since he was a member of the “St. Bottles ministry”, it even made it easier for the friendship to flow as we could afford to have fellowships ( “misdirection” as we used to call it back in the days in Warri) from our little teaching pay.

Obaro was way older than me and had more life experiences. At that time, he already had a Masters’ degree from University of Ibadan. He was doing the teaching job in the day and riding “Okada” in the evenings. By then he was living with his wife whom he was yet to officially marry but they already had a son who was 13yeears old at that time.

His wife is his secondary school sweetheart who got pregnant for him in SS3 and they kept the baby. They separated afterwards but kept in touch till Obaro finished schooling. But unfortunately, the wife didn’t go to the university but had to settle for auxiliary nurse. They eventually came back together after 11years. That was when I knew them.

Obaro was struggling and the wife stood by him all through. We had to rally round when the wife gave birth to the second child (14years younger than the first), to make sure we settle the bills and support them.

The next year, things took a turn for the better and I got a job and moved to Bonny while Obaro got a better paying job .

 Money started coming in.

One of the advices we normally give to ourselves (we that work in the oil and gas sector) is; Settle and establish your wife in case things go south. Obaro did just that. He did the wife’s marriage and opened a huge chemist shop for her. He even encouraged her to return to school.

Five years later, Obaro lost his job. Initially the wife was supporting him with some stipends and helping in the house expenses. But mama changed it for him after six months. She had had enough and was always nagging and making things difficult for him. To make matters worse Obare got entangled with another woman who was “helping to cool his head” as he later told me.

How could such a supportive wife who has been by his side all through the years even when he had nothing just change overnight? Was it because of his joblessness or other factors? Those were the questions I was asking him then. All Obaro told me was “my friend, in whatever you do, always have money. Don’t be jobless. Money indeed stops nonsense”.

They are still together till this day but the last time I saw him, Obaro is doing better now; he has completed his house project and doing his doctorate.

This brings to the fore the question...

 why would a woman become antagonistic when the man becomes jobless? How do jobless men cope in their marriage? Why won’t jobless husbands humble themselves and still want to “command” and lord over their wives while they are still jobless and the woman is trying to help?

One of the most annoying categories of such jobless men are the types that still go ahead to cheat on their wives when the woman is the one feeding them. Some still want to force uncomfortable conditions on such woman who are trying to support them in the state of jobless.

I am not making a case for the unruly wives who want to shame their husbands just because things are not going well.

Here are a few points to help survive the jobless phase of marriage if it happens to you.

One, learn to be humble. It makes sense if such a man will support and encourage the wife for holding forte while he is jobless and not complicated matters or take her for granted. Women are not naturally built for such responsibilities. So, when such happens, love, adore and respect them.

As a man, learn to start from the scratch when you become jobless. I know people that became supervisors before they lost their jobs. Some are still looking for such positions till this day. They don’t want to start afresh. There is so much a woman can bear. Let’s not push them to the limit.

Lastly, I will emphasize this again. Men empower your wives! When things are booming, establish your woman, build her business, support her skills, encourage her to grow. She will become your first line of defense if you lose you job. The Covid pandemic taught a lot of our oil and gas boys this lesson last year.

I am not going to talk about the women who frustrate their husbands when they become jobless, or deny them sex, or start degrading them for not being man enough or an infidel because they are jobless. I won’t talk about the nags or “look at your mates” ambassadors. I will let peace reign this week. 

Remember my friend Efe? He has sent my share of the bills for his upcoming wedding…

E go be. Till next week.



  1. Yes, I had a jobless phase in my marriage but I did not act like that
    woman up there. You know why?
    Galatians 5:22 22But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness,
    goodness, faithfulness, 23gentleness and self-control.
    Against such things there is no law.

    Yea, the laws of men won't work against you when you spend time
    before the Lord Jesus, in the "ministry of the Word of God and
    prayer," to develop these characters of the Spirit of Christ.
    But if you spend enough time on "the bottle ministry," alcohol...know that the preceding verse talks about drunkenness', orgies, fits of rage, pride etc as the works of the flesh which you will have in abundance.
    That is the plight of the life of that lady and indeed the lives that are lived outside of Christ.

    1. He lost his job and still couldn't stop is cheating. Which woman will support that? His wife was not behaving that way because he lost his job, she wasn't ready for him to take her money and spend it on another woman. She may have looked the other way when he was using his own money. Same misogynistic story as always.

  2. The problem with you and your friends in "the bottle ministry" or misdirection as you called it is
    the rewards that comes from alcoholism.
    Go and read Proverbs 31. King Lemuel called it "that which ruins kings."
    he said that when you drink alcohol, your eyes will behold strange women.
    Any doctor will tell you that alcohol removes every inhibition you have as
    a person to resist sexual temptations.
    You simply become a puppet for seducing spirits/the women they use.
    You lose grasp of the character of Christ and succumb to the vagaries of the human nature. It is a most frustrating and blunder-ridden lifestyle.
    So you can see why your experiences are not universal to the rest of sane, sober and mindful mankind?

    1. Fellowship
      Not misdirection

    2. @Unique
      Please inform us on what he called "misdirection" above, during his teaching days.

  3. Quite interesting to read. Words of wisdom.

    Some men just relax and leave all expenses to the wife. Still nag the wife on top.

  4. A lot of women will comment today. Since this one will sweet a lot of the Nigerian women reading this. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

    1. Yes na, he made a lot of sense

      Very fair and good advice, well said oga!

  5. My dad got married to my mom when she had nothing. No job, no cert and zero exposure. He literally managed our home with his civil servant salary for over 30 years. During this period, he encouraged my mom to go back to school, it was tough with 4kids for her but he pushed her and she finally graduated. He never denied her anything, and she was practucally the one managing his finances at that time cos she was and still is a better manager.

    Before his retirement he pushed and pushed till she got in as a senior staff member with the state govt. Today tables has turned around and the exact opposite of what played out many years ago is what's happening. My mom is the sole provider and my dad is a sit at home father depending on his pension which is not even much. His own sit at home ehh is worse. He doesn't do any house chores, my momma spoilt him for yearssss during his working days. He's so used to it now.

    Some days its hard for my dad cos hes so careless with money so most times when my mom brings home cash and keeps on the dressing table in two days its finished. She can nag ehhh when it comes to money matter but a lot of times when she remembers the past years she had nothing and how my dad provided everything and never complained she becomes humble again.

    To still feel like the man of the house sometimes my dad will take all his allowance for the month and drop at the table so they'll be even. You bring i bring too. They understand themselves so well that you have to be wise not to chook mouth for their matter else you will regret it.

    Just saying, if not for how he empowered momsi I wonder how e for be now. Tho we as children give them especially our first son but without it they will still be fine.

    1. My dear, you literally spoke about my family. Same story, same story. Bia….you be Igbo? Only deviation, my pop has passed on to glory. Thankful for what he did as he elevated us all by elevating his wife, my mother.

  6. Poster,
    Thank You for taking your time to write down your experiences and that of your friends. When I started reading your column, I didn't like you or what you wrote but I have come to realise that you're laying it bare and consistent, so kudos to you for that!
    I am reading and learning from what you're penning down and taking my lessons from it.

    I just want to Encourage you to keep sharing your experiences as it is not easy to do so.

  7. Hmmmmm This is deep. Some women can be stupid shaa, wanting to Lord their husbands cos guy man no dey bring again, umu Nwanyi ..... jiri nu nwanyo.
    Some of the men can act stupid during this time too, always commanding here and there. Oga , we know you are the Lord of marriage, nobody is competing with you. Umu nwoke, zukwanunuike.

    May God almighty bless us with good spouses who will be there with us through thick and thin. No one prays for a bad partner and I don't wish my enemy that . UDO CHIA 💪💪💪👳

  8. Loyalty not everyone has it. If you like empower and support with your life savings. Blessed are you if you meet or have a partner that has it. They'll stay by you through it all, the good, the bad and the ugly. But you see those with zero loyalty, give them the world, when you run dry, they'll leave you hanging and find the next big thing or person reigning around them. if you stay too long in finding your way back up, they leave you there after a while.

    When investing in people spread your wings, family, friends, acquaintances and even strangers. A lot of times when we need help it comes from those we least expect. The ones we treasure dearly might shock you. It just could be that stranger you helped many years ago that will give you that new contract to change your status.

  9. That's the power of an emergency fund (3-6 months living expenses) and decent investments. When there is a job loss or reduction in earning power, you can still cover the basics instead of being a total liability. Thank goodness that phase has passed and that he had established his wife earlier so things didn't get as bad as they were in the past.

    No matter how poorly or well you are doing, take a shower to cool your head, instead of breaking your vows. I think Obaro's wife endured his wandering eye when he was able to provide for his children and take care of himself. The moment that ended, she didn't see the point financing someone who wasn't a direct benefit to her. I think this is common with women who marry up who have it mentally engrained that the man would cover them financially- not that this is a bad thing. Having had to be a single mother for over a decade, she didn't adjust well to being a single married woman whose husband couldn't husband any anymore... Sad. I hope their marriage heals.

  10. I wish you could stop belittling women. Shouldn’t a woman be empowered before marriage? You portray women as seeing marriage as poverty alleviation program. Which one is men should empower their wives as a back up plan in case he loses his job? Also stop this cliche that when a man has money he starts to cheat

    1. But his portrayal isn't wrong. Some women see marriage as the end of all their financial woes. Though it isn't in all cases. If u are a constant visitor to this blog, u will know that his comment of men empowering their woman is very welcome by most of our female bvs.

  11. I think his wife reacted that way because he was cheating on top. It's insulting. When he's supposed to be looking for a job, he as you said "got entangled with another woman who was “helping to cool his head”". If his wife was cheating on him when he was the provider, can he take it?

    1. Whose head should even be in more need of cooling: the woman carrying the home and running a business in addition to normal duties or the man who is just sleeping and waking up after forwarding his CV? With this picture painted, you can imagine the level of cheating when his head was overheating with work.

  12. When investing in people spread your wings, family, friends, acquaintances and even strangers. A lot of times when we need help it comes from those we least expect. The ones we treasure dearly might shock you. It just could be that stranger you helped many years ago that will give you that new contract to change your status.

    Rhapsody these your comments are facts. Thank you

  13. As women say, man money sweet. But in marriage, it doesn't always work like that. My dad retired when l was in Jss3. The only person my father put through the university is our 1st. And we are 5. My mom did the rest. But if u weren't on the inside, you who's never know. And my dad was still acting his usual drama at home. But my mom never belittled him. Not once. Kai. I hail that woman
    She will tell you when he had, he played his role. Even till now, he hoards his money and finds ways for momsie to spend hers. But she just ignores his drama and does what she can. I wish to be half of that woman. And they are fine. She complains attimes and let's it go. At times she opens eye for him and gets her way. Life goes on. One thing l know is after God, na that woman for him.

  14. No be every wife you can empower. My friend (a female) couldn't account for the N35m her husband invested in her business. The husband lost his job and they are back to square one. The only thing the neighbours do now is to separate fight mostly on the weekends

    1. Lol. Ngwa. See now. Madam Oriaku dem.

    2. Na wa

      Empowerment comes in different forms, further education, investments etc

      Truth is not everyone has head for business

      Also know thine spouse!


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