CHRONICLES Of A Married Man - 32

“Snoop is giving me headaches”. Bawo said in-between gups of his glass of beer.

He was referring to his wife; He had coined this name for her due to her incessant checking of his phone. The first time he called her that name while we were having a sit home out. We almost died of laughter.

His wife is so addicted to checking his phone; and that has always been an issue with them. Even when he passwords the phone, the wife will still figure out how to unlock it. So, he doesn’t bother with locking the phone anymore. The last big fight they had was when the wife checked his phone and went through his bank alert messages to track his transactions.

She discovered that he sent monies to some “strange” women. She requested Baba to come and explain the meaning of “good time payment”, “thanks for coming”, “daddy’s gift” and other funny transactions he had made to the women. I was part of the peace committee that went to settle that matter. I have always advised her to leave her husbands phone alone if she wants peace of mind.

Basically, we’ve known all know that “phone laundry and dry-cleaning” has now become a basic marriage survival skill these days. The rule is simple. If that text, DM, information, photo or video is going to put you in a compromising position where you have to start answering uncomfortable questions or if its capable of putting your marriage in harms way. Delete it!

Before returning home from offshore or getting to the house, all “suspect” materials have to be deleted from the phone. The phone has to be squeaky clean.

 We have learnt over the years that the best storage memory is your brain.

You can only imagine the drama that ensued when Bawo’s wife picked a call from his “supervisor”. The phone has been ringing continuously and the innocent woman just wanted the tell the supervisor to call back later only to discover that the supervisor is a woman. The wife knew most of Bawo’s bosses.

Even when Bawo was deleting stuffs, he got the shock of his life when the wife started snooping on conversations between him and his friends. She found out that there were even more “dirts” on his chat with his friends than even from other areas or even from the women. Bawo had been deleting other things but not chats with his friends then.

It was a learning curve for all of us. Men, when they chat with their buddies, will often talk about everything with no holds barred. We found out that such friendly conversations are goldmines for snooping wives. We adjusted accordingly. Even bank alerts are not spared these days during laundry and dry-cleaning exercise.

Snooping on your partners phone is always a controversial and often contentious topic these days. So, my question is why should wives snoop on their husbands’ phone in the first place? Is it right or wrong? Is snooping justifiable? Do women do it out of curiosity or lack of trust or in order not to be caught off guard in cases of cheating husbands or due to insecurity?

I cannot answer the questions for all women by I can try for the case of my wife.

In almost over a decade of being married; I have only had serious quarrel with my wife for less than ten times. And more than half of the times that we have had such quarrels were due to her snooping on my phone. Because of her, I have deleted most of my social media apps including Facebook, I only have WhatsApp left on my phone.

 The others like Badoo and its cousins were deleted by her. When I asked her why she did it. She asked me, “what is a married man looking for in Badoo?”

Whenever she discovers that I have started forming new habits, coming home late, spending more time on my phone than necessary or my stories are not adding up; her first port of call for her investigation is on my phone. And when a woman goes snooping on your phone, she must find something. No matter how “clean” the phone is.

I am in a better place now, so I care less whether she snoops or not but I have equally advised her to stay away from my phone to avoid BP and unnecessary headaches. She has been off my phone for the last two years now but has always reminded me to “watch my back”. In any case, Baba has always been a diligent laundryman. I don’t have energy to start telling stories.

In closing I will just ask the snooping women a few closing questions.

Firstly, is snooping worth it? This is a very valid question most wives she ask themselves before picking up their husbands’ phone. Is it worth the stress? Many a times, snooping wives already know what to expect before picking their husbands’ phone yet still go ahead to do it. Sometimes, ignorance can be bliss and what you don’t know won’t kill you. Managing your mental health and having a dramaless marriage is key these days.


Secondly, before you pick up the phone, ask yourself. Am I ready for the results or findings I am going to get from snooping? If you eventually find out your husband is cheating, or having a child outside or confirm whatever suspicions or fears you may have, do you have a “what next” plan? One of the stupidest things I have seen these days is women coming online with chronicles asking about what they should do after getting revelations from snooping.

Finally, a cheat will always be a cheat, same goes for liars, abusive people, deadbeats and the likes. Though some try to change. Snooping on your husband’s phone won’t change him. Some men go to great length to hide stuffs. Why go digging them out? If the marriage is no longer safe for you, why not seek divorce?

I won’t advice you whether to snoop or not but always remember, that he or she who seeks will find.


We go see next week!

Ciao!

*Me with legs crossed and waiting for them to come after you for talking about their snooping like this.