Stella Dimoko Korkus.com: CHRONICLES OF A MARRIED MAN 37

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Sunday, August 08, 2021

CHRONICLES OF A MARRIED MAN 37

Family time is very important!








“You need to spend more time with us, you have been travelling too much these days”. This has become a regular murmur from my wife since last year. I looked at her and asked, “Should I resign and take up a teaching job?”. “I don’t mean it that way na; since you came back from work, you haven’t even spent up to a week at home. You travelled to Lagos and Warri; and now you are going back to work”


Being an employee, running my own establishment and trying to further my professional career has really taken a toll on my family time the last couple of years. I was practically helping my wife change baby diapers and other household chores when we had our first child. By the time we had our third child, I can’t even recall if I helped change diapers up to five times. I have been so busy and was always travelling. I barely support in house chores these days except when I want to cook soups.


I did eventually get her a paid help early this year and her younger sister is now living with us. This is has given her more time to rest properly. But having her husband at home and spending time with the kids is invaluable hence she has to murmur every once in a while.

If someone had told me I would live a life where I wouldn’t have much time for my family especially my kids; I would have argued with them. 
As someone who spent so many years as a school teacher, I know the importance of the role of the father in spending time with the kids. I have always wanted to check their school work, monitor their upbringing and be there for them when they need fatherly support but that is not happening right now.


The wife of a colleague abandoned their marriage some years ago over his incessant travelling for work. Before he came back from a six-month job in Ghana; the wife had packed out saying she could not continue with such life.


In Port Harcourt, a lot of our colleagues have to contend with their cheating wives as they are not always around. But then, we keep asking, “were you not aware he is a traveler before you married him, abi na money blind your sense ni?”


My boy, Efe, is getting married this weekend. One of the things I told his fiancΓ© when he came to introduce her to me was that; she should know the kind of marriage she is getting herself into. Her husband will always be travelling for work. There will be cold and lonely nights, taking care of children and managing the home alone; and most especially her husband can be called up to work at any time. She has to adjust and manage her expectations.


The irony of it all is another fact that, the more you grow in your work, the less time you will have for your family. You can only imagine what the wives of highly placed politicians and MDs of companies go through because their husbands are always busy. While I was still coming up and working with a local service company, we sometimes wake up our MD by 2am when we have emergencies. That has become my life these days.

But there has to be a balance. You cannot sacrifice your family on the alter of making money. I have starting making adjustment in certain areas but it has to come with support and understanding from my wife. 

The first and most critical thing about the family and work time dichotomy is first accepting the reality of your marriage: Most rich husbands barely have time for their families…it’s a fact. You can argue all you want but it’s the sad truth.

There are jobs and professions that avails the man more time for his family but when you start thinking of making lots of money and building competitive careers, you will have to sacrifice family time. That’s does not mean the man cannot create time for his family if he diligently seeks to do so. It’s all about sacrifice, commitment and discipline.

It also been a very huge struggle for me but I have started making some adjustment…

First, I have starting building that mindset into my children to know that daddy’s work involves travelling. If they don’t see daddy at home after a couple of days, they know he has gone for work. Whenever they want to talk to me, they will always request their mother to do video calls with me. Through such calls I’m able to ask some questions and get feedback from them. They also know the list of activities that daddy will do whenever he is in town.


Secondly, I have cut down on my “carry-waka” time these days. I have discovered that lots of the times we spend in hangouts and other “misadventures” can be used for the family. I am also beginning to learn the act of coming home by 6pm daily. Though it a struggle but I’m winning the battle one day at a time. I have learnt to spend my weekends at home. I even bought a PS game console all in a bid to adjust.

Thirdly, I have rescheduled all the shopping and soup cooking activities to always coincide with when I’m in town. We got a bigger freezer for bulk food storage and these days, we do shopping once in two months and cooking also follows the similar pattern. This enables me to give all the support and help in cooking the soups whenever I’m in town.

Fourthly, I have always encouraged my wife to always get busy. You know what they say about the idle mind…These days she always has her hands full and this helps in reducing the unnecessary nagging and complains. We have always had our regular hangouts and dinners before now even from our early days. We formed the habit of always looking for new spots in Port Harcourt.

All these sounds like the fairytale marriage but the truth of the matter is that it’s a huge struggle. It not as easy as I have stated it but we keep trying. Some days are awesome while others are days from hell but we live them as they come.

I have always advocated for couples to do what works for them. That’s what I have always done. Sometimes marriage becomes a bore and the activities become monotonous and mundane, but I have learnt to enjoy the things I can and “bear” the ones I can’t help.

 I have chosen to be happy no matter what and whenever I have time to “carry-do”, I indulge.

I jokingly tell my wife these day “enjoy your life, because death is always at hand, you never know”.

Time to stop until next week...

Ciao!

19 comments:

  1. Nice. I think the most important thing is that you're putting in efforts. Well done πŸ‘✅

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You be man.
      You are so practical with your writing and telling your truth.
      I'm happy that you embrace your weaknesses and adjust to make positive changes.

      God bless you so much.

      Delete
  2. God will help you to keep to all the adjustments you have outlined in trying to live a family life. Welldone better married man

    ReplyDelete
  3. I like the fact that you keep evolving and learning to be better as an individual. God bless you and your lovely family

    ReplyDelete
  4. Nice one, at least you are making an effort to adjust.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Nice write-up
    Having a good family worth envying isn't easy

    ReplyDelete
  6. As you climb up the career ladder, the work life and personal life become closely intertwined, plus all the additional stress. One of the greatest things God has done for me this year is putting me in a position to turn it down by giving me an alternative source of income with far more flexibility. I thank You Lord.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Summary: Stop, take stock, re-adjust and refresh. Great!πŸ‘

    Sometimes, let your wife travel out of PH alone or with her friends/siblings so, you spend time with your children during your annual leave.

    You will miss her and realise how much sacrifices she makes too. It keeps things fresh and takes away the mundane and monotonous routine of marriage.

    By the way, that word is *altar* not 'alter' ("You cannot sacrifice your family on the alter..." )

    I see that error often in some comments and posts.

    Other typos in your write-up are forgiven. You probably didn't proof-read.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Being the wife of an offshore oil worker is not easy at all. Imagine me that refused to marry a lawyer because I hate it when a man will be home but is buried in his work(books)
    The Pandemic/lockdown of last year made it worse with my husband being stuck at work for months on end while the guys in town were enjoying their freedom and getting paid. The money is there alright but their movements are highly unpredictable.
    When I became pregnant with our first child, I had to leave my job which involved transfers and a lot of f traveling to start a business because of the children.
    My husband always compensated though during his offs by being more involved with the children, attending PTA's/ open days , going to drop or pick the children from school despite us having a driver,having lone outings with them and gisting with them over meals/treats without me being there all in a bid to know them better etc
    In all, I would say he ended up spending more time with them cumulatively than the dads who work in Lagos, who leave home early and return home late daily as a result of traffic because his off periods are usually extended too and he isn't a social person, no parties, no friends,no hangouts, just his family.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Nice one poster. I learnt something from this your write-up

    ReplyDelete
  10. Thank you for being intentional about your marriage πŸ‘

    ReplyDelete
  11. Marriage really involves alot of wisdom and intentional growth

    ReplyDelete
  12. There are successful female career women. You always sound like men are sole providers.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. @ Anonymous his stories his home, his world. He never said this is how it is in every home.

      Delete
  13. I love this Chronicles ehh. Poster keeps saying it the way it's happening.

    ReplyDelete

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