Stella Dimoko Korkus.com: CHRONICLES OF A MARRIED MAN – 54

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Sunday, December 05, 2021

CHRONICLES OF A MARRIED MAN – 54

Fellowship held last weekend with a visit to my new favorite joint whenever I am in town. It’s been almost three months since we had our complete squad, because the Covid-19 drama has altered our work pattern in the industry.










During the sit-out, we had to do an intervention in one of our friends’ marriage that was having crisis. He left home since he came back from offshore saying that his wife is giving him problems. We had to come in after his wife reported him to one of our friends.


This my friend in question got married to the daughter of wealthy man. He on the other hand came from an average family where both parents were teachers. They both have different orientation and approach towards marriage in particular and life in general.


Right from their wedding ceremony, there has been issues. While the guy wanted a simple and a less extravagant marriage, the lady wanted to “pepper dem” and do a much elaborate wedding. At the end of the day, the father of the lady sponsored about seventy percent of the wedding cost as my guy stuck to his earlier budget. The father-in-law wanted his daughter to be happy and doesn’t want to “fall his hand” as a Calabari man.

The actual marriage has become a replica of what happened during the wedding ceremony. While my friend will always want to live within his means and plan his life according to his income; the wife one the other hand would not settle for such life. She has rich siblings and still gets financial support from her father. So, she   always wants to live the expensive life.

Most of the time, my friend is always trying to play catch-up and put-up appearances on the outside in order to give the impression that he is a “big man” while always fighting with his wife to tune down on her lifestyle as he cannot afford it. Also, the wife has been disrespecting him and has repeatedly told him she is not ready for a life of suffering.

Not that he is doing bad financially but his approach to spending, his frugal upbringing and his conservative lifestyle is at variance to that of his wife who is a rich Port Harcourt brought up, Uniport schooled and a child who grew up in wealth.

Whenever he says he can’t afford certain things or says “no” to certain demands of hers, she still goes behind him to get such item with the support of her family. It has now become an issue of not respecting the man’s authority in the marriage.

The present crisis started when my friend insisted that they have a child after eighteen months of marriage but wife said she wasn’t ready. After series of quarrels, my friend left his home and hasn’t returned for two weeks.

We advised him to go back home and settle with his wife. But deep down we all know that there is a fundamental issue with that marriage already.

His case brought of this phrase I always use when I refer to what marriage does to you. Marriage is a leveler!

He has to either level up to his wifes expectations or his wife has to do the opposite. This class difference will continuously affect their marriage except each  adjusts their approach to the marriage. This is usually difficult if not impossible especially for people who are already accustomed to certain lifestyles.

This is usually the case when people marry from different social classes; and this brings about the issue of social compatibility when picking a life partner. That’s why I keep telling people “Marry your level or the level you see yourself becoming in the future”.

If you know you have an exotic taste, don’t marry a poor man. It is as simple as that. If you know you are a domineering man with narcissist tendency, don’t marry a woman with feminist tendencies, it won’t end well. If you like beautiful women, always remember it cost money to maintain beauty.

Marriage is already a tasking institution and having areas of less friction will help couple manage better. It is also better to consider the social status of your intending partner and ask yourself if it is something you can cope with. Most times, people are blinded by love or desperation to get married that they don’t consider these issues.



Here are a few points to drive this home...

First, always tell yourself the truth and accept the reality about the person you are getting married to. Hoping that people will change is not a good strategy when going into marriage. Even wealthy men who came from very poor background still have traces of their poverty mentality they grew up with. Do not start what you cannot maintain.

Social compatibility will always affect your marriage. The more socially compactible you are, the less friction you will have.

Secondly, it is always easier for a man to marry down, than a woman. Men are naturally supposed to lead in every ramification. No matter how humble the man will be, the insecurities will always pop up every once in a while, when a woman marries a poorer man.

For such women, learn to accept such realities and mange the insecurities when they come. For the men in such marriages with more powerful women; they need to realize that they will have to give up some of their manly powers. It is what it is.

Lastly, drop your entitlement mentality at the gate and tune down your ego when you get married. Irrespectively of your class differences when you get married; once you are married, what you see is what you get. Even if you think you were princess before you got married, it won’t change anything if your husband cannot support such lifestyle.

We understand you have to get the best things in life but when you can’t get what you deserve, kindly settle and support your partner to work out the better life you desire. Stop comparing your father who took decades to get to where he is today with your husband, who is just starting life.

Inasmuch as your expectations are valid, the realities of your marriage should guide your behavior.

Once again, marry your level....


See ya’all next week

Ciao!

60 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. I love this piece so so much. Dear writer,you hit the nail on the head. I'm currently in that situation now, and it's eating me

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  2. It is either this your friend is being too stingy(as a result of his humble beginning plus stingyness is in his blood) or his wife is being an unrepentant naughty brat.
    This your friend should have seen the extravagant tendencies of his wife from when they were dating,but because he wanted to marry a BIG GIRL he turned blind eyes to it, now he should enjoy the food cooked for himself.
    Finally one day this wife will calm down, something must make her calm down. I hope that thing won't be too painful.
    Na so e dey go.

    For a woman to marry below her level is very dangerous.
    Real life story my sister's friend is currently experiencing, her husband has packed out of their house and they are already going tru the divorce process. This man sees his wife as overambitious and sees her investments as a waste simply cos she didn't give them to him in his name and him and his family members have been calling her names and doing evil things to her simply cos she is rich and they are not. Now she can't take it anymore.

    I like that part where you said "marry your level or the level you find yourself being in the future"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks and God bless.

      When some men make money they will want to marry a certain class to make up for all the years they couldn't...he always knew she was like this, he even experienced it during his wedding. Why did he think she will change?

      Lesson to both of them...they will keep having issues because no one wants to change.
      It's difficult to change an adult.

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    2. It is some how confusing though. How can a woman marry and still expect to be behaving your old self. It can't work. You saw he may not be able to meet your demand but you still hope to go back to where u get those luxury from.. Better don't marry the man because you won't respect him

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    3. So it's only women that should change after marriage?
      He was providing before, if he was being this way, she probably won't have married him.
      He only expected her to change and mature in marriage, hoping she'd be more understanding...it blows up in his face and he is crying fowl.

      No one can change for anyone, they can only change when they decide to

      Delete
  3. I believe it's always best to address issues such as these during courtship. If they had a proper courtship before marriage, these issues would have played out.

    Not resolving issues and expecting that they will be resolved in marriage is another form of deceit

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  4. Lovely write up. God help me to make a good decision.

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  5. Beyond marrying one’s level, I believe what’s more important is being mature enough for marriage. If you assess compatibility mainly by one’s economic status, you may make a mistake or lose out on a good partner. Maturity is the key word here. This lady will still be problematic even if she married a wealthy man. Sure there will be the money to spend, but is she the partner one can rely on to help build and GROW the family’s wealth?? Some people take this ORIAKU thing too literally. I would expect that a mature married lady would be ashamed of asking her parents or siblings for money, especially for trivial items. I would expect same from a man too. Even the enabling parents are not trying. How can you train a child then keep sustaining him/her even when they are to be independent? What character are you building???

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. πŸ‘ŒπŸ‘ŒπŸ‘Œ

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    2. Thank you for this. If you are not ready for marriage don't go into it. Why not stay with your husband encourage him and grow with him. When you give a man heat he leaves you. Go and look for that your compatible fellow.

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    3. There are still women from rich homes that still receive allowance from their parents even after getting married, no matter if there husband is wealthy or not,or if they are doing well for themselves. entitlement has nothing to do with it.

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  6. I want to believe your friend saw all the signs while dating but still chose to go ahead with the marriage.
    Having children,when and how many should be points of discussion before marriage as well.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I keep thanking God that i didn't settle for the least out of desperation. i was already a working class big gurl standing gidigba on her feet then before i met this akagum nwa teacher...me that can use 3k meat and okporo ,dry fish,kpomo, with different orisirisi to cook soup. Guy came and started complaining that i spent too much money cooking soup... it's my own money still guy man will not allow me to enjoy in peace. After complaining he will still eat my food...mtcheeew. If i go visiting he will used #200 fried aboki fish and okporoko #100 with plenty iru too cook one full pot of efo riro...yepa. He will make semo ontop and start bragging how he cooks more than me that spend thousands cooking. Ewooooh i was not born to suffer in life...moya jappaaa. Thank God for the patience to wait for my husband. I'm not boasting oooh my husband na odogwu. If i want to cook soup and stew for the weekends he gives me nothing less than 25k just for family of three and i cook at least twice a month. i keep thanking God i didn't settle for less. I would have been frustrated by now. Haba jawaaaman poverty and it's mentality is a disease.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. πŸ˜ƒπŸ˜ƒπŸ˜ƒ

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    2. Thank God for you,You would have been a frustrated woman if you had married that teacher.

      Delete
    3. Ur moutheeeeeh,it's good u waited and married ur kind. Let nwa teacher go marry his type.

      Delete
    4. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚. Story of my life! Thank God I fled.

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    5. 🀣🀣🀣 thank God for your patience

      Delete
  8. The problem here has nothing to do with "marrying his level or not"
    It is a problem of pride of life on the part of the wife. Greed and insolence
    are a mix that is as deadly as a conflagration. It is rather surprising that it
    has not consumed the marriage totally till now.
    The problem I find with your writing is when you make a generalization and mix it with flattering adultery

    My husband is from a very rich family but decided that he will have nothing to do with his family's wealth,
    He loves Christ as well as I do and this attributes endeared me to him.
    So "I" was richer than him when we met and married; our finances became one, just like we are.
    So you see what I mean, that not all the people who are wealthy are arrogant and spendthrifts?
    What makes the difference in people's lives is Christ Jesus and without him, we are nothing.
    😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐

    ReplyDelete
  9. Why is no one talking about the fact that the guy is pressurizing his wife to have another baby after 18 months. She is the one that gets pregnant and most likely takes care of the child, so she is aware of the consequences of having another baby at the moment. The man should not be selfish.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Read and understand before you jump to comment.. go back and read the post again, then make another comment that aligns with common sense..

      Delete
    2. They don’t have any child at all yet. It’s “after 18months of marriage” not child birth.

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    3. The write up says after 18 months of marriage, not 18 months after a previous child. 18 months after marriage is quite a long time. Though I agree the wife should have a very big say on when she wants to have a baby. But women shouldnt do it selfishly. Some men like kids a lot and cant wait to have their own to spoil with gifts & love. Like my husband has been fantasizing about what & what he would do for our kids long before we started having them lol

      Delete
    4. Anon 14.18
      I think you should go back to the eight paragraph and read again
      Because I did not see where they already had a child and he wanted more

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    5. Hope you won't change your tune if he goes outside and gets another woman pregnant.

      Delete
    6. She is in a hurry to defend her wicked gender🀣🀣🀣

      Delete
  10. The foundation of all he is going through now is him allowing the girl's family sponsor 70 percent of their wedding. Now which mouth him won use to take stop the girl from the embarrassment of going back to her family for handouts everytime..

    A man should be a man and put his feets down on certain nonsense. Me I Sabi love, Asin I be Ramsey Noah but even as the love dey scatter my head, I go still dey yarn you Koko, and put you on check when you do nonsense.. if you like hurt me with my love, e go pain me.. but a short painful sacrifice is nothing compared to the happy life that would come later. I no dey pretend to fit accept Wetin I know say I no fit live with..

    Blessings Big OG ✌️

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Respect. Spoken like a true OG.

      Delete
  11. Hmmm... Beautiful and interesting ...

    ReplyDelete
  12. Ur friend saw the signs 100% but he shook head. He should level up biko or let the woman be. I guess he saw babes off his level but decided to go for her level, he should endure what comes with it.

    #Every package get content#

    ReplyDelete
  13. This piece Is inspiring. Nice one

    ReplyDelete
  14. Nice points πŸ‘

    I know your friend saw all the signs and knew he won't be abble to condobe them in the long run yet he choosed to chook his head inside. Besides that, what were they discussing during their period of courtship? Weren't they supposed to trash all this major challenges during those period. I bet they were busy gbensing and forgot that there is more to marriage than that.

    Now that the wife isn't ready to get pregnant... I guess she has seen the signs that the marriage between them won't last long hence her refusing to make babies with him.

    Him moving out is childish sha... I just hope they try to communicate properly and try to change for each other. All the best to them.

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  15. This is nice and educative!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Hi Stella,
    Did my comment offend today?
    I can't find it here again. Or It didn't conform to the greater, and prevalent "norms?"
    Thanks.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Always making a lot of sense, Good one as usual.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Nice write up πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘
    In marriage couple should be ready to compromise

    ReplyDelete
  19. Spot on.All of these should be dealt with during courtship,nothing like it will be alright when we get married,if it is not resolved when dating,forget about it.

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  20. I'm from a very rich home with proper home training.
    I also married an average guy from a background of teacher-parents but yet we were able to discuss these things and reach a compromise no matter how difficult it waster still is.
    I wouldn't disrespect hubby to collect handout from Odogwu rich Dad or mum.. we agree within ourselves and are now building our own empire gradually and its worked out real well for us years later with kids...
    It took my parents maybe over 25 years to reach this comfort, so why should I kill somebody son starting life??? Me nko?? Why can't I work hard to provide the lifestyle I expect?(spoilt brat should answer us if her legs and hands or eyes are handicapped)
    Well,courtship is time to discuss these things ,iron them out and not sampling laps,penis,breast or six packs....
    The couple discussed by Poster married man are doom because their foundation is faulty, baseless.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are a wise person.

      Delete
    2. A million likes to your comment ma'amπŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘

      Delete
    3. Beautiful πŸ₯°πŸ˜πŸ₯°πŸ˜πŸ₯°πŸ˜πŸ₯°πŸ˜πŸ₯°πŸ˜πŸ₯°πŸ˜
      You are such a wise lady.


      Delete
  21. Very beautiful and well written.
    Your advice, so up point.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Thank you for this piece. It spoke to me. As you said it's easier for a man to marry down than vice versa. I was recently involved with a guy I'm richer than. I earn more and also from a more stable home. I got attracted to him because he's academically sound and I saw some potential in him. He works and earns about 170k but struggling financially due to family responsibilities as a first son and child. I felt that since he's working I could help build him up by supporting and advising him but I discovered that despite his education he has too much poverty mentality. He doesn't eat lunch (despite being hungry),doesn't eat more than one meat etc even when these are free. At first I thought it's because of healthy living but I got to know it's because he doesn't want to get used to that life. Again he wants me to get pregnant and move in with him because he doesn't see the need to spend on getting married. I guess these are the things he's been conditioned with because of where he grew up. When we initially met he proudly invited me to come and see the "slum" where he lives. I was put off by the description so I postponed my visit. After I eventually visited he expected me to embrace the place and when I didn't, he started showing me attitude. Where he lives there's no light (the whole yard can't afford to pay nepa bill) or water the toilet is public and they fight there but he expects me to come and feel comfortable there. He lives in a cheap area where one could get a decent room self-contained for 150k but he decides to live in a slum where he pays 30k annually. I just realised that he grew up in a slum too and doesnt want to upgrade because at first I thought it's because of finance but he actually feels comfortable living there. I was encouraging him to get a miniflat of 300k or I support him to get 2bedroom of (600k) when we get married but he acted like that's unheard of. He feels it's only foolish or rich people that'll spend that kind of money on accommodation. Any time i suggest anything that involves money he'll tell me that maybe i expect him to sell his testes to afford it. He just feels most things are not within his reach and he's 38+. Already as a single lady of 29 I live in a miniflat in a good place in Lagos with my own private facilities, have a property somewhere, good sum in my account. I wish to maintain status quo or upgrade after (of course I will support him) but he wants me to downgrade and meet him there by fire by force. Now he's feeling insecure, calling me proud and making me feel like a bad person. I've been thinking about the whole thing and it scares me, they don't even have family house in the village(no solid root) and the whole family of 7 depends on his income. I recently cut him off after he tried peppering me for not accepting him the way he is. I'm even more resolved on that decision after reading this piece.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anon 20.47 hmmmmmm with your narrative

      Delete
    2. Madam support,go easy before you end up with a gold digger. Everything you want to support.
      As for this guy you're dating,he isn't the one for you. Good thing he is saying no to everything,what if he chooses to accept all your 'support' and leaves all the responsibilities for you after marriage? Leave him with his probs and be patient for your own God sent man like the anon above that left nwa teacher that uses #200 fish to cook big pot of soup and still brags ontop.
      Such ppl don't change,move on.

      Delete
  23. Start spending quality time with your husband and having sex with him regularly and see how you feel about him in three months. You want to act as though your husband is a stranger and he should not look to you for sex or to bond with you in anyway, when you know he has not offended you. Put yourself in his shoes, what if you were the one who was new to the country and every time you tried to be intimate you were rejected while you are treated like an outsider, how would you feel? You took a vow before God to be there for this man and now you lust another.

    If you are absolutely sure than your husband is not the one for you then set him free, let him go find someone who can love him and care for him and you go to the one who you says is the love of your life. Why are you afraid of your family and others if you are so sure of your true love? When love is true the whole world will see it, so what are you afraid of, after all the one you desire has asked for your hand and you say life is once, so what is stopping you? Do not keep that man in bondage one more day than necessary. You gave your husband his papers, so you did him a good deed, he has boundless opportunities, consider it your good deed for him. It is wrong to bottle up your affection and pretend to be in a marriage when your soul is living as a single woman. You have to decide to either stay or go. But if you cannot go and must stay then commit to being a wife %

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Mmmmmmm @ anon 22:11πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚, did u even read the chronicle at all, gosh smh

      Delete

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