Stella Dimoko Korkus.com: CHRONICLES OF A MARRIED MAN – 57

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Sunday, December 26, 2021

CHRONICLES OF A MARRIED MAN – 57

''Na who them catch be thief''








The last time I was in town, I got a call from my aunt about my cousin, her daughter. She said her daughter had left her marital home for one month now and she is back with her at home and refused all appeals to return to her husband.

My aunt said she had given her till the end of the month to leave her house; that she is not the one to give birth to a daughter that will not remain in marriage. She begged me to help talk to her as she believes the daughter would listen to me, as she had always held me in high regards.

The issue is that she caught her husband cheating and this wasn’t the first time.

 He has been begging repeatedly after he was caught in the act. After cautiously hiding his dealings and claiming to have changed for months; she eventually found out again that he hadn’t stopped. She packed her stuff and left the house to her parents’. The husband has been begging her to return since then.

I eventually called her and we had a very interesting conversation. I told her the decision to abruptly leave her marital home was dumb to say the least. This got her really angry and she said she would have insulated me had it not being that she respected me a lot. She said I didn’t even consider her emotions, welfare and health before making such comment.

She asked if I expected her to remain in the marriage where the husband cheats and risks her life getting STDs or other infections? not to talk about the emotional trauma and the fact that the little money the husband is supposed to manage with her and the two kids, he shares with the other women.

I really felt for her and the fact that I have always supported her and the marriage for the last couple of years. I told a little about her story in one of my previous writeups.

 She became a full-time house wife after marriage and recently started a teaching job after two kids. For someone who graduated with second class upper in accountancy from one of the federal universities, she had abandoned her career for marriage. I recently encouraged her to start her ICAN program which she abandoned some years ago.

Note that I do not support her cheating husband, but the manner with which she went about leaving the marriage was wrong and misguided. This is often the case with lots of women leaving their marriages today. The usually act based on their emotions and not with their brains.

In her case, she didn’t even consider the children schooling, how she was going to take care of the them or what she was going to do with her life outside of marriage. Her own was that her husband cheated, therefore “she nor do again”, just like that.


I won’t encourage her to stay in an unhappy marriage for more than a day, but just leaving without proper planning is akin to shooting oneself in the foot. Even in cases where couples want to dissolve their marriage and seek divorcee out of mutual consent, it is not done in one day. Issues like welfare and custody of the children, sharing of properties and assets, resettlement, etc. are properly discussed and agreed upon.

We have seen cases where the ex-husband weaponized issues like payment of children school fees and sending of upkeep money just to punish the woman.


 Some women left their marriages due to cheating only to become side chicks to other married men. While other women find themselves in situations where they could barely feed or take care of themselves and the children because they abruptly left their marriages without thinking about doing it the right way.

I told her that whatever she does, the husband has cheated already and she cannot change that fact. She can shout, fight or do whatever she wants to do at that time she found out about the cheating but leaving the marriage that instant should be the last thing she should have done.


She argued that I was supporting her husbands actions and the whole emotional drama that women tend to put when you try to make them see things logically. I eventually convinced her to go back to her marriage, bid her time and plan properly for herself and her children before leaving.

I advised her to complete the ICAN program, get a good job and prepare for life outside marriage before quitting the marriage. However, while doing that, she can forgive the husband if she wants to. She wasn’t prepared for divorce now and the circumstances of her leaving are purely emotional.

Cases like her are very common these days with women who just act without thinking, for one reason or the other thereby jeopardizing the lives of their children. Some even went back to the husband they so hated with their “tails between their legs” because what they found on the life outside of marriage was different from what they thought it would be. 


This even gives such men more impetus to continue misbehaving.

She has since returned. I saw posts on her status last week with her husband all lovey-dovey. I just “yimmued” and swiped to the next status. She obviously had forgiven the husband and they have moved on.


Know this.....


Leaving a marriage is no easy thing like most people think. Imagine after all the years spent together, the resources that have been put into it and the life altering changes that will happen to the couples and the children involved due to such separation. Not to talk of the fact that many women become handicapped in such marriages that they can’t survive without the man’s support.

This is the reason why many women remain in loveless marriages and even in cases where there is domestic violence and other forms of physical and emotional abuse. It takes lots of guts, courage, planning and time to leave a marriage.

 Women need to consider all these before making such decisions.


Marriages  in Nigeria is naturally stacked against the women due to circumstances that usually favour the men, women need to be smarter and more logical in marriages rather than being emotional. The need to have their own sources of income and other support systems in case the marriage goes south cannot be overemphasized.

By the way, I did call her husband to talk to him about his wife and marriage. I told him I won’t judge or even condemn him because I am not a saint either. But he needs to clean up his act and do better. If he truly loves his wife as he claims, he needs to manage his affairs properly.

Afterall, na who them catch be thief...


I rest my case.


Have a happy holiday.

Ciao!


35 comments:

  1. You are getting more annoying with each additional chronicle!
    Your arrogance inside sin and adultery is mind-boggling.
    Continue!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As annoying as it is that is the reality of marriages in Nigeria where women have little to no rights and cheating amongst men is not only condoned by encouraged. Have a game plan from day one. It is not good to trust a man completely.

      Delete
    2. Women don't like the truth.

      Delete
    3. Anon 19.57. No! Nigerian men do not like the truth. That you cannot treat another human being with disrespect and keep getting hailed.

      Life is changing but you guys are not getting the memo. Na for old age una eye go clear. Those multiple stabs you dished out to your poor wife in the name of "being a virile African man" will be dished out to you, very cold.

      When you cheat on your wife, something in her dies and she low key starts to resent you.

      But then, you do not want to her the truth do you?
      Continue o. Virile Africam man.

      O ga- eme gi voom n'anya.

      Delete
    4. 10.26 👌👌

      Delete
  2. Okay, weldone sir. "Na who them catch be thief." Good afternoon

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't like what I hate so let me drink water and mind my business

      Delete
  3. Advise from people like you is the reason women remain in very shitty marriages, one would believe you were born in 1920-1950s . I can’t type abeg but if I were her I would have insulted you or hung up and not listen to the rubbish you spew everytime

    ReplyDelete
  4. If I catch my husband cheating I won't leave, the only thing that will make me leave my home is domestic violence.
    Anyway except I have everything figured out then I can actually leave the cheating man

    ReplyDelete
  5. Really? This doesn’t sit right with me. You are stylishly encouraging the husband to keep cheating.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hmm! Dear women, please make sure you're financially capable of taking care of your and your children before marriage to avoid staying in a marriage where you're cheated on and not respected. Remember the chronicle of the medical practitioner? Nobody can go and give her the advice our married man gave his niece because she's financially capable of taking care of herself and children.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Men make una dey use condom if una won cheat, cause if I say make una no cheat, una go say Africa men are POLYGAMOUS in nature.

    Cheating is also another form of EMOTIONAL ABUSE

    ReplyDelete
  8. I usually never agree with this man but this article makes a lot of sense. I've always advised my friends to remove emotions from their thinking when it comes to dealing with men. Finding and keeping evidence of cheating, and planning one's exit takes time and patience. I've known calm and wise women who have built houses and secured the bag before exiting their unhappy marriages through smart financial planning. Some housewives I know have cleverly funded their exit by selling off duplicate jewellery and designer shoes and handbags they made their men buy for them out of guilt. Nigeria does not favour women in marriage so we need to be wise.

    ReplyDelete
  9. But to be sincere
    What the man wrote down there is true
    Especially the kid

    ReplyDelete
  10. See how most of you are insulting the writer for speaking the glaring truth, meanwhile,a lot of una dey collect beating,cheating and other weirder shits inside relationships that are not even marriages o.

    He gave her the best advice, based on the reality on ground.

    Moving out, without proper financial planning would make life hellish for you, especially if you already have kids. If you,your support system/cycle is not financially buoyant, I swear,you go hear am. You'd end up taking trash(far worse than cheating), from fuckboys and married men(as their side chic o),all because you want to be able to provide the next meal for your kids.

    Nobody is asking you not to leave a cheating spouse,but please plan your exit properly,so you don't end up jumping from your frying pan of a marriage into a fire of hunger and 'beggi-beggi'

    ReplyDelete
  11. Hi Stella,
    I am still so confused why my comment is specifically not uploaded on this column. I came in and saw that first comment there which is at best insulting.
    I do not insult this guy in my comments. I disagree honorably. Please can you correct me if there is anything peradventure that I am doing wrongly.
    Thanks.

    ReplyDelete
  12. As annoying as it sounds, its the truth. Go into marriage financially able to walk away if it goes south. And if you aren't financially capable take ur time and plan ur exit.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I understand his point... Keep emotions aside can you face the world with your kids alone after you leave the marriage if yes then joyfully leave the cheat of a man. If no, then plan your exit. Patience is key here.. A lot of women after doing the gra gra and leave at the heat of the moment after finding out, after a while they make up and go back. But if you plan well, going back won't even be an option.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I found out that most bvs here are hypocrites,you judge same thing you go through and act as if you haven't experienced it before,haba,this post is the plain truth but no,you will choose to turn a blind eye and judge the writer,continue

    ReplyDelete
  15. Even though this write up looks or sound annoying,it's the absolute truth!! I still live in my ex husband's house,we built it together,so many people have asked me to leave and my reply is that if I leave,it's cos I'm leaving this country,at least house rent comot for my bukata,women we need to be wise,if she's not financially independent,then she should go back and plan her exit well!!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Undiluted truth. This is exactly what I did. After years of cheating n begging to change, I kept pretending to forgive and he furthered my studies, still cheating I pretended to be nice, omo I need an award for pretense, women stop being overly emotional, use your head when dealing with a remorseful cheat, always pretend n massage their ego. That's how I pretended till I secured another admission abroad, I left with d kids, he continued sending money n refused to visit due to enough chance to cheat, I finished my course and tapped into the residency programme n got my permit. That's how i moved balanced here, he still sends money for the kids, asked us to visit, I told him, if u cannot visit us here, stay there. I ain't stepping foot into naija till my kids finish high school. Now i do not need his money again but he still sends. We not officially divorced cos I am not filing and he is not either because I still pretend to be lovey lovey on phone, we are just separated and catching fun. If he wants to remarry, fine, I remain the first wife abroad. If you are too vested in your feelings and carry husband for hrad, you won't be able to move on and be useful on time. Women should be smart sometimes. Tears and self pity won't help you. I call myself married with a touch of single hood. I dont need to spill everything but I am *winks*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The sad thing is that children are observing all this... sad.

      Delete
    2. Anon, sorry to bust your bubble, I am not foolish to be blatant where my kids are. And they a fantastic relationship with daddy dearest.

      Delete
    3. You don't need to be blatant, kids see and know a lot more than you realise, it would be self deception to assume they don't.

      Delete
  17. I understand your point. However, sometimes its better to leave without planning than kill someone's son out of anger.

    ReplyDelete
  18. What's happening in marriages this days? However plan yourself before you leave

    ReplyDelete
  19. It's to plan before you enter sef.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Pls people should wake up and smell d coffee,stop insulting oh! Wat he wrote is true.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Some facts are sadly bad. We shouldn't normalise woman leaving marriages for cheating. Before you leave make sure you can take care of yourself and children. Sadly 80% of women that leave cheating horsebands end up becoming mistresses to married men just to keep body and soul together. Plan your exit and get legal help. Courts will mandate child maintenance but na the amount be another issue.

    ReplyDelete

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