CONFUSED
Good day Madam Stella, I’m in total confusion right now. I’m 27 and dating this amazing guy (30), we both love each other very much and we’re planning on settling down this year.
The issue we’re having now is accommodation, boo is planning on getting a mini flat in Lagos for a start but his dad is hell bent on him getting a room instead so he can use the remaining money to acquire a land at his site.
His dad’s plan is for him to finish building on the proposed land in two to three years but my problem is, I have never for once lived in a single room before in my life, I can’t stay living in a room as a single woman not to talk of being married.
His dad’s plan is for him to finish building on the proposed land in two to three years but my problem is, I have never for once lived in a single room before in my life, I can’t stay living in a room as a single woman not to talk of being married.
I’m not used to that lifestyle and there’s 95% probability that his dad’s decision will prevail over his and his dad might think i can’t manage with him or I’m not a wife material(no matter how bad the situation is I can augment the house rent to maintain a mini flat I.e a room, parlour, toilet and kitchen)but getting a single room for a start isn’t a good idea for newlyweds.
I don’t even know why he had to tell his dad of his decision to get an apartment at first because it’s not as though he still lives with his parents, he stays in a room currently and I don’t even go there to pass the night because I can’t share public toilets(you know how messed up it can be) or even kitchen. Now his dad wants us to continue this lifestyle albeit his dad is doing the right thing but the wrong way. He can also build a house while living in a mini-flat, am I to start having babies in a single room? Two to three years is such a long for me to cope and the truth is I just can’t cope.
I don’t even know why he had to tell his dad of his decision to get an apartment at first because it’s not as though he still lives with his parents, he stays in a room currently and I don’t even go there to pass the night because I can’t share public toilets(you know how messed up it can be) or even kitchen. Now his dad wants us to continue this lifestyle albeit his dad is doing the right thing but the wrong way. He can also build a house while living in a mini-flat, am I to start having babies in a single room? Two to three years is such a long for me to cope and the truth is I just can’t cope.
I’ve discussed this with him and he said it’s not bad for us to manage in a room, so apparently His dad’s decision has prevailed. I’m scared of losing such a good person because of this issue and I’ve already bought a lot of kitchen wares, if we are to use a room I can’t even make use of the kitchen equipment I’ve bought to support him or imagine placing a gas oven in a room or at the entrance , a bed in a room and a chair, no privacy whatsoever...I’m not cut out for that.
Please has anyone ever being in my shoes? what do you suggest I do? Is his father right by interfering in the type of accommodation we should get? am I being inconsiderate? my dad won’t be happy with this type of accommodation cause my dad told him to get an accommodation first before he comes for introduction! I'm so confused right now!
Kindly keep me anonymous.
ONE ROOM??? HELL NO!!!
*Dont settle for less at all in the beginning!
I know a couple who had this kind of arrangement and by the time i was leaving Nigeria, they were still in that one room with 8 kids... Plans changed and life happened the building they were building was sold off to cater for the kids.....
Getting a land to build is OK but it is always better to start a project with enough funds, not tie things down and be suffering.
I DONT EVEN UNDERSTAND..... where is this site that money to rent a mini flat can also buy a land there?
All the best my dear but dont settle for less and your father in law should face front and let his son make his decisions alone.
Chances are, the guy may not get married till he finishes the house, he will be 33/4 by then. Don't be faster than your shadow. Most kids listen to their parents than their girlfriends, you and I know he cannot disobey his dad and listen to you, not now atleast.
ReplyDeleteOnly a child who doesn't have a mind of his own would take everything his parents tells him to do without weighing options..
DeleteHaba, who marries in a room naw, not when you have the money to get a more comfortable apartment..
Even as a single guy I can't stay in a self contained apartment talk less of a room..
May God not shame us sha
DeleteBB, why did his dad have to wait till marriage to remember he will build a house? If he had started since he got a job, he would have almost completed the house by now.
I know the old man has good intentions but there are some ideologies that are out-dated. The mind is a powerful place. You will move into that kinda neighbourhood and that's it. You will mingle with those class of people, think like them, behave like them and attract the same kind of life as them. That is exactly what is playing out with this young man now because vthat is the kind of environment he was raised and his mind has been conditioned to accept that kinda living.
I love that "my dad told him to get an accommodation first before he comes for introduction!". There is no hurry. By the time he comes back to your dad and tells him he is taking his daughter to face me I slap you, he will tell the young man to go and come back when he is truly ready.
All I'm just seeing is his His dad wants this, his dad wants that, his dad thinks this, his dad that.. a 37 year old man??? Omo Does he doesn't have a mind of his own ni? You better have a rethink about this person you want to marry. If you marry him, you're in for a long long ride.
DeleteWhat if the guy is lying. What if the father is the one sponsoring the house rent?
DeleteAre you sure that He is ready to move up to self contain?
He might be deceiving you just to get the balance from you. If you help with the rent this early morning, be ready to continue to pay rent in subsequent years. You will have to contribute half of the bill for house upkeep.
This guy is using brains on you.
You should delay this proposed marriage because he is not truthful.. He intends to buy land with how much??? 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Biko, this guy might be a deadbeat waiting to unfold.
Are you earning more than Him? 🤷♀️ If yes, you should read between the line. Goodluck
Abeg where you read 37?
DeleteI have always prayed to God that whenever I want to settle down, I will leave my one room and move to a 1/2 bedroom apartment. So help me God.
ReplyDeleteTriple C: so you are asking your heavenly father who owns the earth and the fullness thereof, and you are sure this what you want? Let me tell you a hard truth; it is the exact same energy that He will use to give you that one bedroom you are asking for that he will use to give another a mansion. It has nothing to do with being humble or greed. Your father has it all and it is up to you to ASK. Be careful what you ask for and be sure that it's what will truly satisfy you.
Delete😘
Ms Sapphire, if that mansion is not God's will for him, God will not answer the prayer ra ra o.
Delete* Saphire
DeleteMs. Saphire I know I like you. Omorr!! You understand what God can do abeg. Ask God for things that you know normally you can't get. God can do exceedingly more than you even know. Nice one Saphire!!
DeleteTriple C, start by praying to move to a better accommodation first, maybe a one bedroom apartment, as Saphire said you are surrounded by people with one kind of mentality that isn't healthy and very limiting, when I first started working, I lived in a compound where I was the most affluent and had a lot of problems, I advised myself and moved out of there, surround yourself with people that will stretch your mind and inspire you.
DeleteWhy not be a helper her and pool resources together and rent a miniflat like you want.
ReplyDeleteIf not, free him for someone else that can "manage a room" for a beginning. Then probably write chronicles about how good husbands are scarce.
Life does not always come in one package.
His dad didn't tell him jack. He's lying.
DeleteSteer clear from suffer head kneegas, it's a effing mentality
It doesn't look like this marriage is important to you. You will probably lose him and be filled with regrets. That money you are clinging unto now will not give you the satisfaction and fulfilment that this man you call good will give you in marriage.
ReplyDeleteAnd the pressure to have your own kids will come.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
DeletePls ignore this
Did we read the same chronicle? She said she's willing to help augment the rent and bills. So I don't get your advice to her.
DeleteSome guys say you can’t add your own
DeleteThere’s nothing someone won’t hear on these streets
They want you to love to a place they can afford even if tug can afford better
If you marry him. You go regret die. 27 is not too old oo. Just don't agree to stay in a room. He shud go n marry to
ReplyDeleteThose ladies that can stay in a room.
My thought exactly when I read the Chronicle. Like what exactly is wrong with young ladies of today? You are this desperate and afraid at 27? Your standard is so low to be calling a man that listens to his dad on decision concerning both of you over your opinion an amazing guy. You should be ready to move on if he doesn't want to see reasons with you. As Stella said if you settled for less, you will get lesser than you settled for.
DeleteIt is good that this matter is showing up in this beginning. He hasn't hidden who he is to you. The dad will keep interfering. So count the cost and know whether you are willing to marry him or not.
ReplyDeleteBut the father in law did not write us a chronicle. Neither can the lady talk to him in that manner. She is the one disturbed and confused.
ReplyDeleteI may not have enough now, but I try to discard poverty mentality in anything I do. Why would you want to settle for less when you can afford something better?
ReplyDeleteIt is not only about losing a good man here, is he ready to lose a good woman because of his mentality?
It is good to start small in marriage, not start suffering.
Please let him make up his mind on whether he'll go with your input or his father's.
Maybe I overlooked it. Have you clearly told your man you will fund the rent for the self-con while he builds, and he refused?
ReplyDeleteIf yes, please you have not found your husband yet, or this man is not ready to marry yet, or this man IS NOT READY TO MARRY YOU YET - he wants to upgrade to your level.
Na man write this.
Let him provide that money for the one room rent,then inquire about the rent for a mini flat,open an account separately and provide the funds for three(3) years..
ReplyDeleteExample if the rent for the one room is 100k and mini-flat is 180k;provide 220k in a separate account,Show it to him and tell him as long as he brings that 100k for one room;you would provide the balance of 80k for the next three years..
If he doesn't agree to your request,he has another motive,which is not moving out of that one room until he builds his own house and that takes time,so can you wait for him or not?
@MARTINS
If he doesn't agree, then he's looking for 'scope' to make her end the relationship
DeleteAt that age, my papa no suppose tell me how or where I suppose live with my wife. Besides, any normal thinking upwardly mobile man should like the comfort of a good apartment and space. Except say suffer no dey tire you. Who says you can't live in a good space and still be building yours codedly?
DeleteA self contained is not too bad but the room's gonna be big. Nne, trust me, public yard, public toilet and kitchen will frustrate u to hell. Kukuma augment the money up for a better place. Na so devil wan finish u wit vexnation.
ReplyDeleteHmmmm, this Early Morning and his Father is dictating on the kind of Apartment he should get in other to help him save.
ReplyDeleteLet see, Why not convince him to get a room self contained.
Then, You probably hold on on Baby Making.
Or you move the wedding w to much later, Let him Build the house.
Or You Simply Don't Settle for Less.
I personally do a 1 room in marriage.i mean it's so difficult coping in one as a single lady let alone a married couple.
ReplyDeleteWhith the amount of clothes and other items women have I wonder how your man is going to arrange his own.
He should compromise. You can bring someone down from their standard because of marriage especially if that person can door the bills.
Be sure that this guy is ready for marriage so you don't be planning for nothing.
"I can augment the house rent to maintain a mini flat" Have you discussed this with him? Make him understand that you will contribute in paying the rent even when it expires.His Father has great plans which will benefit you both.
ReplyDeleteThe guy may not even be ready for marriage.
ReplyDeleteDear Anon. Please read 15:24. Martins, nice suggestion up there.
ReplyDeletePls don't agree to the face me I slap you house ooo, since you're willing to add to the money try and persuade abi cajole him in moving to the mini flat. Make him see reasons, I wish you best of luck
ReplyDeleteDon't settle for less, that's all I can advice you, it never gets better almost immediately.
ReplyDeleteWhy will anyone be able to afford a mini flat and still want to manage face me I slap u wahala? God forbid! Poster, u need to stand ur ground. The him you can both pool resources and rent a mini flat. He can bring 65% while u bring 35% (no go do pass urself)
ReplyDeleteI hope u are certain that the marriage is happening before I will go and pay rent for another woman
Building a house is a good idea but u don't have to degrade urself to achieve that. I grew up in a face me I slap u, it's not an environment I will wish on anyone
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ReplyDeletePlease don't settle for a room or a self contain (one room, toilet and kitchen). The difference between a miniflat and a self contain per annum in most places in Lagos isn't much however, the agency fee and all can be a bit higher. Jejely get married comfortably! If your home doesn't feel like a home you will get frustrated with almost everything and it will affect your overall productivity and sometimes confidence. Tell him your thought on this single room thing and suggest to assist so he can get a miniflat. Follow Martin's advice but make sure he doesn't leave the payment to you totally all in the name of working on his project.
ReplyDeleteIn all you do please don't settle for less. A good man should consider your wellbeing. A room nor be am at all. So you will wake at night and go to the toilet outside to urinate? Abi you go dey use custard cup like who miss road? Please life is to be lived with ease. What if you get pregnant immediately after the wedding? You will start paying the exorbitant lagos agency housing fee to get another apartment hastely? Or you will stay there with kids? Do what gives you peace of mind.
Living in one room apartment doesn't mean you will share toilet or kitchen with anyone.
ReplyDeleteYou can get a decent room self con. A room with toilet and kitchen. I know a newly married couple who live in a decent room self con. They paid 360k to get the apartment. You will still have your privacy except when you have visitors.
Well, u lose ur privacy when u have visitors. Every single thing u own will be visible to anyone that visits you. Your house will be so jam-packed because u have only one room to put all ur things. If resources cab be pulled to get a mini flat, I will never advise a married couple to settle for this
DeleteA man who cant provide a comfortable place for his wife and his children never ready to marry. Nne run from my papa and mama say.
ReplyDeleteIf you support him now with money for a mini flat just know that you will satet paying the rent with him ( talking from what is causing problem in my home now) . Another thing is that guy is not fit to own a family of his now since he wants to be listening to his father, wants to build a house without enough funds and want to start a family too. Babe don't be carried away o, i will never advice mu sister to settle for such man. Although there are some ladies that can cope with being married in a room.
ReplyDeleteSorry to correct you.
DeleteThere are people living in a room today who can afford to live in a flat and raise family. Their financial orientation is just different. I know a young woman who moved from two rooms to a duplex and a had a factory building that is bungalow plus.
If the father is telling him to buy land and start building, ask yourself how much is even a plot of land and building materials. If his story is true, then he has the capability of doing it.
There was an Igbo man squatting in my compound who already had a building in the village.
What is wrong with paying the rent with your husband
DeleteI also moved from a room and parlour to duplex, infact hubby built three duplexes at a go. Married him and lived in a room and parlour when i heard the cost of renting an apartment, i advised him we start something no matter how small that was when guy man showed me his worth and doesn't joke with me till now. For me pple should always prioritise their needs and plan for tomm, poster pls convince him about the room and parlour then he can start building. God willing he might finish it within a year or less, just be positive
DeleteThe size of this red flag is: pole - 100 feet; flag - 500 yards by 60. Too big to overlook!
ReplyDeleteIf I am the one, I'll call off the marriage. Yes. You read right. I won't marry him. And after calling it off, I'll never go back to him, not even with any amount of begging. That man is already molded to the kind of life you are seeing now. The only thing that will make him change will be the death of his parents. Even then, he'll still be looking for third party opinion and that will be most times, to your detriment. The frustration you will face in future from third party intrusion will give nothing less than high BP. Trust me, you don't want to experience a porous marriage.
You are 27 for God's sake. You can easily get another man. Is he the only good man left on planet earth? Na wa oo. Hope you know that your feelings and plans won't count in that marriage. You and your children will hear nwee. A man should "leave his father and mother and CLEAVE to his wife". This man is not doing that anytime soon.
This man will not protect you from the harsh elements of marriage which is his first duty as your husband. And this our Nigerian society has no provision for women. So you'll definitely be on your own.
But since you may not want to "lose a good man", this is what I suggest. Tell him you are putting the wedding on holding until he finishes the house that nothing will make you descend from comfort to suffering. Imagine birthing babies in that situation. Not like it's bad, but you can afford better! Also, tell him that he should be open to new relationship which you will also do. From there you can move on. Mind you, he may concede for now and let you have your way, but na wash. He'll still go back to what he's used to.
But if you can cope with playing second fiddle in the marriage, then go ahead.
The hand wey you take start something, naim you go take finish am. Carry your tongue count your teeth.
@Jechix 1000likes for this your comment,the best thing to do is call off the marriage,but she won't listen.
DeleteGive him the option of support and state how uncomfortable you feel about the whole thing also state that your father too no gree, he can advise his father to speak to your father abi na only him get father.
ReplyDeleteBuilding a house is a project. Marriage is a project. He should choose the one he wants.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you op, you both can always build after starting a family. What is the rush???
Again, this is an insight to the kind of marriage you will have. His fathers decisions supersedes yours. Be careful with this man.
Madam,please leave that boy alone.When he is grown he will find his kind of woman. That guy is being a "good man" because of condition o. Please if you're working and can already afford a level of comfort,do not let any man drag you into undue discomfort in the name of marriage. Never settle for less,you will regret it.
ReplyDeleteI personally feel all face me I face you in Nigeria should be demolished. I have never lived in one and I will never do.
ReplyDeleteWhy are you even dating someone that lives in a face me I face you? Are you okay! For him to even want to continue living in a one room apartment shows he is not tired of living in one.
Lol I agree they should be demolished. My parents lived in a 'face me I face you' as newly weds who moved to lagos newly. Till this day, my mum still tells the stories of how horrible it was. I'm sure she would ask me to dump any man who suggests such. They only lived there for a few months & moved to a better place. Thank God my dad equally had big eye. God forbid such a life
DeleteDon't settle for less,stand ur ground.
ReplyDeleteI can't even date someone living in face me I face you. Sorry. When as a working single lady, I didn't live in a face me I face you?
ReplyDeletePoster, do what you want to do sha. I know someone who lived with his parents until he built his own place. But he got married after he had finished building, not before. And he was earning a big oil and gas salary, meaning he had the financial resources to finish his project quickly.
Your fiance doesn't seem to have that financial advantage. And unless your fiance already has a land and money saved somewhere, his project doesn't seem like something that would be completed in the next 2 years.
I honestly believe in not starting what you cannot finish. It's a big red flag that his father is dictating to him where to live and he's obeying even when he knows you don't like it. A good husband should put his wife first before anyone else except God.
When a man does not want to marry a woman. He comes up with a thousand excuses. Do you really think that guy's father gave him that advice?. Open your eyes
ReplyDeleteHe's lying, he's dad didn't tell him anything
ReplyDeleteListening to his father's advice doesn't make him a Daddy's boy or mean he will listen to his father always.
ReplyDeleteThere's no marriage where the partners' parents don't have a say. May God not let you marry a man who does not listen to his parents at all. If he slips during marriage, who will guide or reprimand him.
If he earns well, his Dad's advice is actually very good. Just tell him clearly your readyness to provide the balance for the mini flat.
If he insists on the one room, after your clear and demonstrated offer to augment the rent for the mini flat, it means you both are not compatible on money matters. Such incompatibility is the real red flag, not the "my father says". You should then really think deep whether you want to go into marriage with him.
By the way, there is no harm going into marriage with the mindset of being a financial contributor even beyond rent. Yes, general comments may warn against it. But it is not against any law of man and law of God.
The real worry here is that it appears you don't know what your boo earns. So you can't even guesstimate how long you both may stay in the mini flat or be sure when the proposed building will be ready.
So you still have some serious discussion to do with your boo
Good luck and best wishes
Hmm, A man that listen to his father over his relationship issues for me is a dicey one especially as it involves you both. Don't settle for less at all o
ReplyDeleteAnyone who wants me to live in a one bedroom is not for me. It means you don’t know me
ReplyDeleteIe suggestion is beneath me
Tell him your own father doesn't agree to you starting married life a single room.
ReplyDeleteI read this and I wanted to skip, but then I think you deserve the best. Young ladies, stop using age as a yardstick to get married. I was in exactly same situation; but this time it was his mum rolling the die(s)... I got married at 25, I am 29 at the moment and the truth is that we are currently going through a divorce...
ReplyDeleteWhen we wanted to get married, his mum told him the type of accommodation to get, it was after we got married, I discovered she paid the rent and until I finally left she is still paying rent for him...
They told us to get that kind of accommodation, because they wanted to sent us abroad_ guess what?all lies
His mum, basically controlled the marriage; he never stood up to his responsibilities; I supported him with funds, but it was never enough. He loved to me about how much he was earning...
If you really want to get married to him, wait until the conditions are favorable, he should get the land now- you two can wait for 2/3 years to get married, if not I must tell you that this marriage is a disaster yet to happen.
#correction
DeleteHe lied about how much he was earning, only to discover after marriage that he was earning 40,000 monthly and the mum is the one bankrolling him.
Ur man is lying, he's father didn't tell him anything
ReplyDeleteDear poster, this man is clearly not ready to get married. No right thinking man, ready to start a family will want to live in that type of accommodation when he can afford a mini flat.
ReplyDeleteNo good parent would want their child to be subjected to that either.
So my dear, read between the lines and start getting ready for purposeful relationship with a KIND hearted man who will be ready and do the needful.
Dear poster, this man is clearly not ready to get married. No right thinking man, ready to start a family will want to live in that type of accommodation when he can afford a mini flat.
ReplyDeleteNo good parent would want their child to be subjected to that either.
So my dear, read between the lines and start getting ready for purposeful relationship with a KIND hearted man who will be ready and do the needful.